Emptiness
Lisa and I always talked about how we would move on if the other one went before us. Lisa pegged me on the head...she said I would get into a relationship too soon and then i would go a little wild, and then I would settle back into a "regular life". She was right. Part of me regrets getting into a relationship so soon. From the outside looking in it seems as if I was over the loss and ok and just moving on with my life. From the outside looking it one would have reason to doubt the depth of my love for Lisa. I can understand that. From the inside, however, it was a different story. My world was turned upside down and I was empty and lost. My mom was gone. My dad was gone. Blake was grown and living on his own. And then Lisa, my rock, my anchor, my everything, was gone. I didn't know how to llive. At one point I didn't want to live. So I filled the emptiness with the presence of someone else. Yes, I loved her. Yes, she helped me through a terrible time. But no, I wasn't IN LOVE with her. I couldn 't be. My heart still belonged to Lisa. It was wrong. It was too early. But it filled that hole that was in my life for that time. Of course it didn't last. Maybe 5 months or so. And then I moved on. Then I REALLY grieved. And I fell apart. I wasn't strong enough to handle all of that emptiness. And I slipped into the emptiness and almost lost myself and my life. After that, I slowly began to live. I grew stronger. I was able to grieve and joyfully remember the 20 years we shared at the same time. Neither emotion overshadowing the other. I lived. A little over a year after Lisa died I got into another relationship. This time I went slow. We talked for a while. We dated. Then we moved in together. It had great parts and not so great parts. It lasted a year then it was over too. For several more months we did this limbo thing. Not together. Not single. Another loss was hard for me to accept. But finally, I accepted it for what it was and let it go. I learned so much about myself through this process. I grew so much stronger. Now Ive been living alone for almost a year. That's the longest I've ever lived alone. Ive been single for a large part of that. And im ok with it. I hope someday I find another love that makes me feel like I did before. Not the same love, but the feeling of being loved and wanted and cherished. Maybe I will find it. Maybe I won't, Im not looking. But if I never do, I know ive experienced a true, deep love like some never get to.For that Im blessed. Now, after 3 long years, I'm still reflecting on Lisa's words before she went. It's funny how she knew me better than I knew myself. She knew exactly how I would react. And just like she predicted, now I'm finally ok and stable again. Im living not existing. Im strong not weak. Im the version of me that she always knew I would be, Every day I feel like im getting stronger and finding out more about myself. Everyday I'm blessed to get that opportunity. And everyday I miss that person that knew me so well. I miss her. I love her. And I always will regardless to what happens in my life. And I truly believe that somehow, she knows that.