Dear Mathew…
Tonight I was driving to the doctor, first time I have voluntarily found a doctor let alone follow through in years. But I did it and as I was rushing there, late as usual, the song “Perfect” started to play. I like that song. I like the words. But as he got to the part about “being between my arms” I got a crystal clear vision. It was you and Tash and you were at your wedding. This song was playing and it was your special dance. You were so handsome in your suit. But I hardly noticed that. All I could see was you smiling down at her with that open adoration in your eyes that you always had when you looked at her.
Tash was exquisite in a long sleeve, beautifully laced, white gown. Her hair had beautiful French braids down the side into a gorgeous chignon in the back. She was looking up at you and the love on her face was overwhelming. You spoke to her, she laughed and shook her head. You continued to dance.
As the vision played out the most overwhelming sadness hit me because I realized, again, that this was a vision of all that was lost. This beautiful moment that should have been, will never be. Never. And I think that was, is, will always be why I cannot ever be me again. Why the happiness that I always sought as a child, finally found with this family, cruelly left with you.
And there you have it. I didn’t just bury you. I buried me too. I went with you. As much of me possibly could and as far as the universe would allow it, I went with you. Everything in me that was good, hopeful, driven, lovable… went with you.
There is only a shell left. A shell with memories of what was… what should have been… and what will now never be.
I think of Tash all the time. I hope she is okay. I hope that she has reclaimed her life. That she has found a way to push forward, to find her footing, to take back her joy. I hope she knows that I will always be here for her and that I would do anything if she ever needed it.
…and so it goes. I love you. Always…