i am saddened. after so many years apart, we met for just a few hours. he gave me some gifts, which sadly were lost/destroyed. i know i was kind of harsh in my questions to him. it hurts now, not only because there were so many questions i wanted to ask, but didnt get the chance to. rage that i grew up with wanted answers to questions i knew would hurt if i asked, but i couldn't help myself. he came to me, in an attempt to connect and show me love, and all he got in return was my rage and venom.
would i have been different if i knew that was the last time i would see him, that my last words to a man i wanted so dearly in my life would be filled with accusations, and years of pain? it hurts, thinking how much i wanted him, wanted him to know how much i loved him, how much i missed him, but instead of expressing this, i interrogated him. i drilled him for answers to questions that he honestly couldn't answer in 200 years, but less in the few hours that we met.
even now, my tears run wild, and i cannot stop them. i hurt because i know he knew how much i loved him, and i know he knew i didnt want to ask the questions i asked. i didnt want our time together to be spent with him on the defensive. but he accepted all i gave him with grace. he kept his temper. not once did i hear anger or agitation. not a hint of fear, but regret, i heard pain in his voice. and joy. the kind of joy that only a father can show when he is proud of his kids. i could tell my words hurt, but he didnt let it bother him. and this hurts me. it hurts me that i wasnt as much of a man at that time as he was.
he knew what was in store for him. he knew that his absence had caused a bitterness that wouldn't be easily resolved. and he accepted this and showed. knowing i would probably hurt him with words, and he showed.
sadly, this is one of the few memories i have with my dad, but i do know one thing, this one act has earned him so much respect. it takes a great man to know he is walking into a place where pain and bitterness towards him resides, and having every chance to make an excuse to not arrive, yet still shows.
so, say what you will, i love and respect my dad, for even though there is little experience, in just a few hours, he proved himself a greater man than most ever hope to be.
dad, you reside in a category few obtain. you and poppy. yall are the greatest men, the bravest men i know. forever love and respect.