Hi Michael
It's been a little over a month since I last wrote. It seems so much longer. 
Today was a sad day. Carol Wassman passed away this morning. She had breast cancer and Parkinson disease. Tonight Velma's mother passed away from Pancreatic cancer. Velma's mother was only diagnosed 2 months ago. 
Carol was only 2 years older then your father. She's had a rough few years. 
Stuff around here has been stressful but doesn't compare to what others are dealing with today so I'll write again about it. Maybe I'll have better news then. 

I'm really tired. I'm not sleeping well.
I'll write to you again soon. 
I use this as my diary to you. 
Love you

Hi it's me again
Dad and I took Maya (our dog) for a walk at benbrook Park yesterday. We wanted to give her a change of scenery. I haven't been there in quite a few years.
It brought back a lot of memories. We were over by the water with the ducks and I thought about Ethan's 1st birthday when you, my mom, Jason and Ryan were all there. Ryan walking along the water. I think you had pink eye or something was going on with your eye. 
I remembered when we first moved to Texas and we had a Easter picnic with Jason, Carol, Alisa and the all the kids. I have a photo of you, Ryan and Amber, your hair was lighter or orangish because you tried to dye it.
Walking past the slide I remembered my last visit there with Jason and his grandson. 

There is a park near silver creek We use to go to when Ethan was small for picnics and play ball. We went with the dog last week, it's a great place for her to run. I suddenly found myself thinking of the state park in CT when we played a little softball, you and your brothers went swimming. It was a nice park. I'm trying to let my memories good and bad return. It is a very slow process. I have a difficult time remembering the present but the past keeps popping up. 
I was recently looking at that photo of you dresses as an astronaut. I thought that was fun. Some years back dad, Matt and I took Ethan there, it was pretty boring. I guess nothing stays the same.

Well I just wanted to share that memory with you. 
Love and miss you
Mom

Oh boy is it cold! Woke up to snow this morning but it was gone in a few hours. 
I booked our next cruise. It is the end of November. Going to the Virgin Islands, Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico. I hate waiting until November but 2024 is a busy year for cruises. Most I saw were from 2025 and 2026. Ugh. I told your father if we are going to continue to cruise we need to move closer to port. The drives are long and we are old. 
Dad's birthday is tomorrow. He'll be 71! Wow time flies. He was only 30 when we got married. 
I worked the past 3 weeks at church so now I'm off until next month. I was OK working it. Yesterday I walked 4 miles in 2 hours. It's been difficult for me to find a job even though I did well in all of my classes and did great on my certification. It's very discouraging. 
I got a call for Ryan on my phone. I don't know how these people get my number. I just emailed him the info. No words no arguing. 
We changed our health insurance and hate it. It's nothing like the sales person said and charges are higher then our last insurance. Nobody cares about the elderly or just doing their jobs correctly. 
My dog scratched my arm while we were played. 3 chunks out again. It looks awful. I might have to call the Dr tomorrow. I don't want any infections. 
Well it was great "talking" I wish I could hear you. 
Chat soon
Love and miss you
Mom

We got home OK. The ride to Florida never bothered me in CT but now that I'm older I hate it. The cruises right after ours have experienced really bad weather. I'm so happy we are not on a ship right now. Ours was a bit choppy but not like theirs. I need to plan another one before I let the anxiety get to me. I need to find out why I'm falling so much first. I wish I could share photos with you. The sunrise and sunsets were amazing. The beaches were beautiful. Curacao was amazingly beautiful. Dad and I really liked that area. 
Saturday is the 14th anniversary of my mom's death. Tell her we miss her. 
Have a amazing Christmas with the angels. I wish you were here. We could bake cookies, go to college Station or the Dallas arboretum. They decorate beautifully. 
Well I worked at church today and didn't sleep well last night so I need a nap.

Merry early Christmas
Love you
Mom

Hello my Angel
Our cruise is coming to an end. It was nice but I'm ready to go home and see my dog. While in aruba I fell again. My leg and knee are badly bruised. My ankle area has skin tore off in the shape of an S. What is the chance of that? The police in aruba were great. They saw me fall and came right over to help along with 2 other very nice people. I have to see the Dr when we get back home. Thank you for watching over me. The islands were nice. Curacao is beautiful and colorful. We put our lock on the heart statues. There are soooo many locks there. The people were very warm and nice. Turks and Caicos was beautiful. Cooler then our last visit. Dad and I gained some weight. I'm sure I'll cry when we get home. I lost like 65/70lbs and have a long way to go. This cruise did nothing for my diet. 
I was telling Ethan I wish you all could be here. You would have loved it. Matt and maybe ryan would have loved the beaches with the turquoise water and white sand. Ethan would had loved all the free food on the ship. 
Over 4k people on this ship!
I need to nap. The sun makes me very tired. 
Wish you were here!
Love 4 ever
Mom

Hello again. 
We are on our way to catch our cruise ship. In Mississippi now. I won't have a phone for 10 days. I'll be thinking of you. I've been thinking of Jason alot. We talked about going on a cruise. He enjoyed his only cruise. 
I have a picture of you so you will be with me. I have a few other pictures also. 
I had a job interview yesterday. Whisper good things to the hiring manager. Thanks.
I'll tell you all about the trip when we get back. 
I've been using this as a diary/ means to chat with you. I'm thinking of getting a book. 
We love you!
4ever missed.
Chat soon!

Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven Michael!
You have a great gathering up there. Tell grandma, Jason, Cheryl and Wanda I love and miss you all!
I'm getting ready to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade.
8 more days b4 our Aruba trip. I've been so excited for a year. Soon it will be here then over. 
My graduation went great. It was fun. I carried a photo of you and your brothers in my pocket so you all were there. They gave us roses and the teachers gave us cards and gift certificates. I've never seen that before.
We went out for pizza afterwards and leaving the restaurant I almost fell again! Ugh thankfully I was able to stop it. It was dark out, maybe I didn't see a hole. I thought maybe you were watching out for me.
Today we decided to just have ham no turkey. I was surprised since dad loves turkey. 
I wish you could be here for so many reasons. Your dad is not drinking. It's been a little over 2 months. He's trying. 
Well I'm going to make some pumpkin pie cupcakes so we will chat again before we leave.

I love and miss you!
Mom

Hi Michael is mom again.
Today is my last day of classes. Thank goodness this arlington drive is over. They are doing a graduation ceremony tomorrow. I wish you could be there. Today is a job fair and it's raining. I'm so nervous. It's been quite awhile since I've looked for work. 
23 days until our Caribbean trip. I'm so excited. 
I'm at my building so I have to go. 
Love you
Miss you much

Sorry it's been a little bit. You would love the chill in the air today. It's not going to last but we are enjoying it. 
34 days until our Aruba trip. We are really excited.
So October 13th I was at Vet's Park walking the dog. She was sniffing the grass and I was wondering why there was nobody in the park on such a nice day. Anyway, without warning or memory I fell. I don't remember the fall but I was able to call dad and Ethan and the police came. I ended up being taken by ambulance to the hospital. I was kept for observation because they thought there was a small brain hemorrhage. Thankfully 2 scans later there was not. You would love the new dog she is so protective. She would not let anyone near me until dad and Ethan arrived and put her in the car. My blood pressure was low which caused the fall.

I missed a week from school so now I'm trying to catch up. We have 8 more class days and we are done. They are having a graduation ceremony and reception. I wish you could be there. I'm working hard to improve my chances to get a job. I wish all of you could be there. 
I've done so much thing, alot of it has been about my childhood and it has been hard. I still push some things away because I'm not ready and grandma is not here to confront. You're not here to really talk to about it but please know that I am soooo sorry for so much. I wish that I was not easily manipulated but I was my entire life and I brought that anger (without understanding or realizing) into our family. I will try to talk to Matthew. I can never tell Ryan. He is so angry. Not everything he remembers is accurate but we can't have a civil conversation which saddens me. I tried over a decade ago about something simple and it did not go well. We ended up never seeing each other again. I still need to work out more stuff it's just hard without grandma to speak to it Jason to ask questions to. 
Your father is trying to stop drinking. It's been a little over 2 months. He knows it's caused some issues. 

I wish we had the chance to have another sit down conversation you and I. I am so happy we were able to have that one to clear up some stuff before that horrible morning. Thank you!
Well it's dinner time. I'm going to have this amazing mesa grilled chicken salad from Jason's deli. I've been trying to come out of the box in my food tasting.
I love and miss you. I'll be busy the next week or so but I'll write soon.
Come visit me in a dream please and as always watch out for Matt and Ryan. 

Well fall is almost here. It will be so nice to say goodbye to this 100+ degree weather. 
I am at the halfway point in my classes. 5 weeks to go. I hate this traffic. Thursday it took 1hour 40 minutes to drive 29 miles. Ugh! Usually it's 1 hour which is still a crazy drive. 
Besides computers I am learning a lot about myself in my other classes. I wish you were here to talk to about it. I've had some revelations and I can't talk to certain people about them and how I feel because they are no longer amongst us. I have to work it out on my own.
My friend from church talked to her Dr about me because he is looking for office help. He called but because of school I can't work the hours he looking for. I'm sure finding a job will be difficult since it's been 20 years and I'll be 60 in a few days but I'm going to try. I've finished the medical class now I need to finish the computer class. I hope you would be proud of the efforts I've been making. Some stuff has been difficult. 

I'm glad I can use this site to chat with you. Looking forward to seeing you in my dreams. As always look out for your brothers.
Give grandma and Jason a hug and kiss.

We love and miss you dearly
Mom

I know this is supposed to be for tributes and stories but I use it to talk to you.
I've been thinking any you alot these past few weeks. I miss you dearly. I've wondered were life would have taken you. I hear from Matt Miller from time to time. Not as much because his mom is ill. He quit his job to care for her. His brother died in a motor vehicle accident some years ago so he doesn't have a lot of help. 

For the past several weeks I've been thinking of Matt and Ryan at night. That's kind of strange. I was praying they were OK. I finally heard from Matt. The texas prison system was shut down due to violence. I've been worried. He called last night, everything is open again. Whew. I hope everything is okay with Ryan. These days there are so many angry people on the roadways. It's really scary. 

I miss Frisky alot. We had him for 17 years. He was a really great dog. The new dog fills the hole but she's not Frisky. She's big. She's funny and protective of me. She takes her blanket and hides her food when she doesn't like it. We bought her some chew toys, she loves to chew.

In 76 days we are headed to Aruba. I'm looking forward to getting away. Your dad checks the weather everyday. We are looking forward to going to Curacao also. We've already been to Grand Turks. I wish we could take you all with us you would have a great time. The water is turquoise and you can see down to the bottom. Trying the island foods is fun.

I began a computer class until November. It's fun. I'm learning other stuff also. I just hate driving to Arlington.

Well I need a nap (yes 60 is coming soon and I nap )
Please watch over your brothers.
Love and miss you always
Mom

You would be 43 years old today. Happy birthday in heaven Michael!
Labor began at 1:30am as a feeling of constipation. 3 hours and 15 minutes later a beautiful 5lb 6oz baby boy entered this world and life was never the same. You were so small. 16 inches long. Just like a doll. You were such a good baby. Smart, learned to walk at 1 years old. I wish you had the chance to have your own children, to watch them grow. Not make the mistakes I did because I had the wrong guidance. 
Party with the angels today my son!!! Uncle Jason and grandma like a good party. Wanda and Cheryl also. Frisky will give you lots of love but he's not really a party boy. 

We love you and miss you!
We'll celebrate you down here. 
❤️ love
Mom

I just wanted to share that we adopted a dog. The face reminded me of a larger frisky. I just couldn't stop looking at it. She is much larger. Her name is Maya and she is an American Eskimo weighing a whopping 50lbs compared to Friskers 23lbs. She's white and loves car rides. Today we took her on her first walk at the park. I should say she walked us! Lol! I hope she fills the void that frisky left. I see quick glimpses of him, I hope they don't go away because there is another dog here. She's an affectionate animal. I haven't felt a visit from you in some time. I'm waiting patiently. 

Today was your brothers birthday. 39 years old. I hope he had a happy day.

Counting the time before our Aruba trip. It is taking so long. We are really excited. 

Dad has to see the urologist for his yearly check up. Fingers crossed his PSA is still cancer free. 

We love and miss you always
Tell frisky I miss him every minute.
Write again soon
Love
Mom

Hi my Angel
Frisky will be joining you and Grandma and Jason today. He was 18 years old and his health started to rapidly decline. He couldn't stand on 2 legs. He couldn't see well. He started to lose alot of weight. At night he would cry out in pain unless I held him which I did. You didn't really get much time with him. Only 5 month before you left. He was a great animal. All the kids at the bus stop and in the neighborhood loved him. He went everywhere with me. He was the greatest gift Ryan could have ever given. Who knew he would live so long. It makes my heart hurt but I know he had a great life and he touched many people with his playfulness. Like you he may be gone but never ever forgotten. Look out for. Play with him. For the first few years he would bark whenever Jason came around but he finally warmed up to him. I'd like to thank Ryan for his great gift. Who knows, maybe someday.

I love you. Take care of yourself and the dog until I see you both
Love
Mom

Hello my Angel 
16 years today since our lives changed forever. I was looking at photos yesterday of you and Ryan at the beach playing on the slide and in the ocean. Pictures of you and the family in Virginia. You and your brothers in the pool. You with grandma. The photo of you and Matthew at Universal Studios.
I love the photo of you, dad, Matt and Ryan at the zoo. You all were in front of burger King. Something about that photo I just love.  I want to make that into a 8x10 or larger. I am thankful for these photos and memories. I wish I could find that photo of you with that large snake around you at a school event. That was kind of crazy and adventurous. I was thinking about your last week. Us taking Ethan to the park, going to parton pizza (it's pretty awful pizza now) you use to play the machines there. The long talk we had and you understanding why I was stressed with a horrible attitude (I am so thankful that we had the time for that chat). You and Ryan playing that Wii game. Going to the renaissance fair with you and grandma. I thank God for that bonding time. We all really miss you. You would be in your 40s now. I talk to Matt Miller from time to time. He's still single and misses you. He's been busy taking care of his mom. 
Dad and I are thinking about moving to upstate NY next year. I met someone from that area who said rents were reasonable and when I Googled it they were. Shocking for NY. We don't have anything to keep us in Texas. I've had some health issues so once I check them all out we will make our decision. I may have to get a biopsy on my thyroid. I see the doctor in June. 
Dad and I are going to lunch today to celebrate you. We use to go to uno's every year but they closed down. I applied for a job. They want to interview me. I'm waiting to hear back. I think you would be proud of the stuff I'm trying to do. I wish every day that you had the chance to build your life. 
I will write again soon. I love and miss you always!!!!
Mom

Well we are coming upon that time again. I thought maybe after 16 years I finally got a grip on my emotions but no I haven't. This week I have been very angry. It usually starts mid March until May 20th. Started late this year. Maybe because of covid and pneumonia. I can't seem to get any energy and I'm very tired all the time. Now I'm angry, no patience. I can't concentrate or enjoy anything. I am supposed to have my school graduation on the 28th but I don't really care. I just miss you! I've tried to come to terms with so much and I have so much to say to so may people who are no longer here. I am so so so sorry for not seeing alot of things when you where here. I am very thankful for that last week and the talks we were able to have but there was so much more. I want to hug you and tell you what a great human you were and could had been if you were still here. You were the glue to everyone. Some were jealous but in their way love you. It's to bad we all couldn't get our act together and made a better family life. All the ridiculous fighting. Again I'm sorry. It doesn't help now. 

I need a nap. I am not sleeping well. Looking hard for work but that's not working in my favor either. I'm still trying. It's been a long time so I need to be patient. I'll write again soon. 
4everlovedand4evermissed
Mom.

I'm so sorry I didn't get to you yesterday for Easter. I can't shake the after effects from the covid pneumonia. I'm tired, heart rate gets a bit high, not sleeping well. Dad, Ethan and I went to the renaissance festival for Easter. I didn't get to see alot. The walk was too much. I thought of your last visit there and how tiring it was for you. Prices really rose since our last visit. They seem to be missing a lot. This woman was playing 1800 Irish music. It was beautiful. I interviewed for my first job in decades. I was still sick and didn't feel like it went well. I guess it didn't because they gave it to someone else. I'm OK with that. I didn't really want to drive to Arlington. I have to refresh on my Microsoft skills. I was taking classes at the library. The lady said she would email me this and that and did nothing. You can't count on anyone to do there jobs these days.
Well I have a follow up with my doctor Tuesday, kidney doctor Thursday. Hopefully both will be OK. This covid is ridiculous. Why get vaccinated if I'm still getting sick?
I wish you were here. We are going to Aruba and Curacao soon and I think you would love the cruise. Our first was so relaxing. We loved the island people. You would love the turquoise ocean and soft white sand. Next year I'd like to go to Saint Thomas and Saint Marteen for my birthday. My dream vacation is Italy. I think you would love that also. I wish I overcame my traveling fears while you were still here. Still haven't be on a plane but it's on our bucket list. Watch over us then please.
Well I'm a bit tired though I'm sure sleep won't come. I'll check in again soon. Going to a SS class tomorrow.
Love and miss you
Mom

So I was in the hospital 4 days. I'm home now but breathing is still difficult. The hospital called today and said if it keeps up I will have to go back. 
This really sucks! I finally received a call back for a job interview. It's not a time for me to have a deadly virus darn it. I told them I could interview early next week. Praying I'll be better by then. Please watch over me Michael!

Hey, Punk. Well, too much going on rn. Your fam and mine possibly have Covid. The MCU is chaotic. DC is starting anew! I hate everything and everyone (Most). Can we trade? Plz?!?!?

I told you dad and Ethan tested positive for covid. Dad worse then Ethan. Yesterday I tested positive as well. Because I have a kidney issue I went to the ER with trouble breathing. They admitted me. Covid take 2. Ugh. Hopefully I won't be here as long this time. In 2021 I had covid the whole month of January.  I'm getting lots of breathing treatments during the day. Not really eating. Last time I lost 20lbs in 2 weeks. I'm very tired. Sleeping alot.

Hello my Angel
I just wanted to share with you that I passed my medical class. I know you would be proud. I got a 98% grade. I took my certification on 3.6.23 and passed 446 out of 500! Whew I was convinced I had failed. Not bad for an old lady. Now if only I can find a job in a medical office. That will be the tough part. 

So your dad and Ethan were diagnosed with covid yesterday. Keeping my fingers crossed it doesn't turn too bad. With my being critical and Jason dying I hate this virus. I pray for all who contract it. 

Nothing much is going on. Hoping to go to the Renaissance fare in a couple weeks. We went 2 years ago in Easter. I was remembering the last time there with you. You were tired and a little weak. If only we had a clue what was coming in just a week or so could we had stopped it? It's going on 16 years and I still have so many questions. 

As always I am asking that you, grandma and Jason help your brother Ryan to have a good life. Watch over him. Whisper in his ear so he knows you all are still looking after him. 
Thank you!

Love and miss you 4ever
Mom

Hello my Angel
Just wanted to talk to you about some good things. Cousin Amber became a mommy this morning. She had a good sized baby boy they named Cayden. Logan got married the beginning of January. They are going to have another ceremony on a cruise ship this summer. I am hooked on cruising. 
Almost done with my medical class. 1 essay and the final then within 30 days have to take the certification exam. This essay is driving me nuts!
Our dog isn't doing so good. I think his time will be coming to an end. He has been such a great dog. Ryan gave me the greatest gift when he bought him. He's old now. We've had him 16 years and he was 18 months when we got him. Right now he's running around well again so we'll see what happens. 

Are you watching over your brother? I would like him to have a woman and true love and happiness. 
I'm sorry you missed out on that but I pray that for both your brothers and Ethan. 

Well I've got to work on this essay again. Wish grandma a happy early birthday. Dad and I went to favorite mimi's restaurant for breakfast last week.

Love and miss you
Mom

Hello Michael
I'm sitting here at the park and really needed to talk to you. I'm glad that not many people have access to this so that I can use it as my diary to you. 
I've been having a pretty rough time lately. I wish I could pin point what is causing my meltdown but I'm not really sure. I just feel so stressed. I'm not sleeping well. I'm going to Church. I volunteer 2 to 3 times a month. Everyone wants to do the coffee bar. I started my online class. It is stressful but they say my grade average is 96% so that's good. I lost about 50lbs and have been stuck ever since. Frisky is not doing well. He's having issues walking on his back legs. We've taken him to the vet. They aren't very helpful. He doesn't sleep much anymore. He whines and barks. He wants to get behind the couch. He's old and I'm really worried about him. Talk about old, dad turns 70 tomorrow. Ethan is in Oklahoma for the next few months trying to decide if he likes it. I want so much to get out of Texas. Will it ever happen? My class ends in March. I was hoping we could leave around my birthday. Of course I always make those plans and we are still here. 

I'm just so tired. 
I had a colonoscopy Monday. They found more pre cancerous polyps. That means I'm at high risk for Colon cancer. Great. Some thing else to worry about. I'm just tired of being tired. 

Have you heard from your brother Ryan? Wondering if life is treating him better? Did he find a woman to help change his cold angry heart and give him a little happiness. 

Well I need to work on this essay that is giving me a headache.

Love you.
Thanks for listening
Mom

Hi Mike
I am so sorry I missed writing at Christmas. I thought I did. Christmas was OK. It was peaceful. We went to Melissa's house. It was a little difficult being at that house without Jason there.
He's been gone 17 months yesterday. Time does not stand still. I enjoy our Christmas more when we go away. Last year in Missouri was amazing. 

So today begins a new year. I am hoping to be out of Texas by the end of it. Of course that's been a dream for years but dad and I found a State we both like. Matt said not to make our choices with him in mind because he needs to stand on his own. I'm not sure about leaving him with nobody. 

My online classes finally began. What a headache that was. I'm not sure they gave me the correct classes but nobody is in until next week. I have to be done by March 6th so not knowing stresses me. 

I am going to Church weekly. Still praying that Ryan finds happiness in his life. It is to short to be so angry. He can be such a good person and be angry and abusive takes away from that. Keep watching over him please. Ask mom and Jason to watch as well. Thanks. I saw a book I want to buy fur myself. It's called forgive what you can't forget. The title makes great sense. I'll have to read reviews before I buy it.
It's a new year so I'm going to try to lose more and do more. I lose 55lbs but nothing in awhile. I'm going to try to change that. Maybe another 50lbs by our next cruise in December. Going to Aruba, Curacao and Turks and Caicos. We loved Turks and Caicos last time. 

Well thanks for listening.
I miss you always!
Love mom
Happy New Year in heaven Michael!

Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven Michael!
Thinking of you today and everyday!
It's a rainy day here. Thankfully not too cold. Trying a little different menu this year. Instead of stuffing the turkey, I am making sausage stuffing balls. This is the first year we didn't get a huge turkey.

I am finally going to begin my career training next month. Hopefully I can handle it and get back to work. I'm very excited. I want to be productive. I've been volunteering at Church since late July early August. It feels good to give back. 

Love and miss you forever
Mom

Hello my Angel 
Happy early Thanksgiving in Heaven.
It's been kind of crazy here. 
Dad was diagnosed with melanoma a couple weeks ago. He had surgery this morning. Doctor said it was caught early and all cancer was removed. He has a follow up in a few weeks. It was kind of scary for me. He always has a positive attitude with these things. 

I feel pretty awful. I lost my temper with Ryan recently. I've been trying not to but I just couldn't take the same abusive song anymore. The lies and stories he tells. He's pushing 40 it's time to grow up. Anytime he wants to talk like a grown-up I will listen but absolutely no more abuse. He throws you in my face every time yet talks crap about you to whomever will listen. Things He said to Velma were just awful. 
We took our first trip out of the country. It was amazing. We took a cruise to the Bahamas and Turks and Caicos. The beaches were amazing and the people were very friendly. We are going to Aruba next year. I had the best sleep on the ship. I wish we took this vacation with you kids. You would have loved it. I didn't think with my anxiety I could get on the boat. Dad loved Guy's burgers (he had them 1 to 2x a day) and ice cream at 3am. The gorgeous sunrises and sunsets. 
I am going for training so hopefully I can go back to work. I know it's a long time coming. I'm excited about learning something new. 
You cousin Amber is pregnant due in January. She's having a boy. Logan is getting married in July next year on a cruise. I'm not sure we can afford both cruises though I would love it. 
When I go to church on Sunday I will ask for guidance regarding Ryan. I really don't want to fight with him. Maybe the pastor can give me suggestions. As always please watch over him. I periodically get calls from Bill collectors and I send the info to him. He claims it's spam and I'm stalking. It's hard to stalk someone you haven't seen in years and honestly given his abusive nature. Why would I? I heard Zuly gave up because she couldn't deal with his awful attitude. I'm hoping he finds peace and someone who makes him happy. Something you missed out on.
I'm going to bed I didn't sleep well last night. 
Love and miss you very much
Mom

Hello my Angel,
It's been a busy time. I am going back to school. I think it's time for me to try to work again.  not sure if it'll work out but I'm going to try. I'm excited about school. Not sure when classes begin. 
Dad and I are taking a step out of our box. We are taking our 1st ever cruise ! We are going to Turks and Caicos. I'm a little nervous being in the middle of the ocean. 
We recently took a mini vacation last month. Loved the state. We may look into a move next year. I get nervous about mentioning moving because someone dies or becomes very ill every time. 

Amber got married in May. She is having a baby in February next year. Logan went on vacation with his gf and got engaged. 
Velma finally has a legitimate husband. She got married September 10th. 
I want always to share news with you. This is the only way I know how. I hope you have been watching over Ryan. I keep praying for happiness for him. I hope he finds a great relationship. I heard Zuly is with someone else. He seems to have a good relationship with his son. I'm very sorry about the relationship I had with all of you. My family has always been dysfunctional. I wish I could had admitted it decades ago. It's hard to face this hard past. I have always loved you and your brothers. I wish you were here for me to tell you, to see you happy with a family of your own. We all lived unhappy for sooooo long and I'm sorry. 

Love you baby boy!

Hi my Angel
Well today is 1 year since Jason passed away from covid. 7:30pm on 7.30.21. This year just flew right past. I still miss my daily phone calls when he left work until his gf would call. 
Tomorrow everyone is going to his house for game night. He loved to play games with friends and family. I can only stay a couple hours, your dad has to work and needs a nap. The hospital is considering canceling the contract with the company dad works for otherwise I would have him take the night off. 
Amber got married memorial day weekend. He's a cop also. He seems like a good guy. She is having a baby in February next year. After a rough 2021 I'm glad she's getting some happiness. 
It's too bad Ryan won't share in the festivities tomorrow. I am sure they would be happy to see him without any drama. I hope he's found his peace and happiness. 
Soon we are taking our first trip (and 1st cruise) out of the country. I'm really excited but anxious at the same time. 
Frisky isn't doing great. He's really old and has arthritis in his back and leg. He has a bit of trouble getting around. I feel so bad for him. We don't go for drives anymore because he can't hold his poop.

Well I'm at the park for my walk.
Write again soon
Love and miss you always.

Happy birthday to my angel up in heaven. I hope you had a awesome birthday with all the friends and relatives up there with you, Jesus, the many angels.
We down here went out to lunch at tricky fish to celebrate what would be birthday#42. They have amazing burgers and banana pudding. Matt Miller watched Spider-Man in your honor.  It has 3 SpiderMen in the one movie. You would have loved it.
I actually enjoyed that one. Lol no sleeping pill movie. I watch all Spider-Man movies for you. Dad and I went together to see this one when it originally came out.
On another note In a few months dad and I are going our very first cruise. We are going to Turks and Caicos. I'm excited as well as nervous. I still have high anxiety. I've had some health issues but that's a story for another day. So I'm looking forward to getting away.

Ethan was in a serious car accident a few weeks ago.  The Dr said he was lucky because 95% of the time it is usually fatal. Luckily he walked away with scratches and a busted lip and pain. The car went thru a fence and hit a tree and caught fire. It was a scary call to receive. I told him he just graduated from high school and God has given him a 2nd chance, do great things. I really wish you were given a 2nd chance. I know I can't change the past but I love and miss you so very much. I thank God for the last talks we were able to have. 

I'm not hearing any thunder up there this year. Is the party a little quieter? 
Life is so crazy down here. So many angry people. 

Anyway, I know your day was perfect. What else could it be? 

Chat Soon
Love you
Mom

Hello my angel 
Tomorrow is your brother Ryan's birthday . Do you think you can come on down while he's sleeping and quietly wish him happiness? Let him feel your love.

So many birthdays coming up. Ryan tomorrow, Jason would be Sunday, Cousin patty on Tuesday, yours the following Saturday. I wish for Ryan and Patty a blessed day. I wish for you and Jason a party with the angels.

I am trying to find a way to celebrate you this year. The past couple years we've been going to the lake, cookout and cake for you. It is supposed to be so hot the next week or more. Ugh summer just began. I was so sad to see unos close. That was our dinner place for your birthday. 
I will write ✍️ again b4 your birthday. 
Love you
Miss you.
Mom

Hi Michael
Just wanted to share with you that Ethan graduated from high school on May 26th. Woo Hoo! It was a long road but he did it!
He is talking about going into the air force. Not really sure because he talks about alot of things. So hard to believe he turned 18 a month ago. Time is just flying by. The end of this month Jason will be dead 11 months. It's like I closed my eyes and poof all this happened. 
I have some serious health issues. I won't talk about them now. Just asking for some prayers and guidance from the big guy. I know one won't get any better but maybe a slow progression. I see the Dr in July. The 2nd one I don't have a lot of info yet. I couldn't handle it. I have to go for a scan in a couple weeks. I wish you were here to talk to about them. Right now I'm following Jason's advice. Not worry until you have to. 
Amber got married last weekend. He's a cop as well. Nice guy. There first year dating had alot of tough stuff but instead of running he stayed by her side. That's a keeper. 
Still thinking of Ryan. Hoping he is doing better and not so angry. Hoping he's found some happiness. 

I'm trying to go to school for work training. Need some stuff from SS and they are giving me the run around. 
My new orthopedic wants to do a total shoulder replacement. I'm not sure about that. I have time to think.
My cousin Scott was found dead in his home. They believe he was dead a couple days before. His kids have had so much to deal with. His youngest Ryan just turned 16 in April. They lost their sister to brain cancer, then mom died from a heart attack, now scott. All in 5 years. His daughter and wife's death hit him hard. This is John David's brother. I'm not sure if I told you I saw my mom in Walmart in January. It was pretty scary. I'll check my writings to you, if I didn't tell you the story I will next time. 
We've had 2 crazy guys making ours and the neighbors life hell this week. He destroyed their car (all tires and windows,) tried to break into their children's window.
They smashed our window on the kitchen door then tried talking to Ethan. They are on the street everyday. Making it their life work to terrorize. Dad works at jps and doesn't get paid time off but he took Wednesday off to make sure we were safe. Again I wish we could talk about this.  Ethan is being strong saying he won't let anything happen. They want to but a gun.

On a good note we are going on a cruise in a few months to the Bahamas and Turks and caicos. We are looking forward to it. Very first cruise. I wish we had family left to go. It should be beautiful. 

Well I'm at the park watching softball. About ready to go home.

I start a new therapist Wednesday. Hopefully she can help me remember, deal and recover from my past. 

Love you
Chat soon
Mom

That day is here again. 15 years since we've heard your voice, saw your smile, heard your laugh. I don't know where the time goes. I miss you very much. I always wonder where life would had taken you. Would you be married? House full of kids? What kind of job would you have? You were talking about college right b4 that awful morning. You were the glue to this family and I'm certain it was not always easy.
Ethan had just turned 3 right before you left us, next week he graduates from high school. 

I love you and think about you every day.
Mom
❤❤❤❤❤❤

Happy early Easter Michael
I've done alot of thinking about you lately. It's that time of year for my depression to set in. 15 years and it still happens every year at this time. I really wish we all could have a do over. So many things I would change. For a long time I've blocked out my past. I still don't remember alot but I think a do over would be good for us all.
Ethan should be graduating from high school next month. He's a very smart young man but he's man it difficult. Velma is around again and my relationship with Ethan is not good anymore. I have health issues and can't worry about it anymore. It's up to him to believe what he wants. 
Ethan's former girlfriend was pregnant. She recently gave birth to a big baby boy (of course). She gave it up for adoption. She was pretty awful to Ethan. She didn't care about his feelings and kept saying I'm not hurting you, I'm not doing anything to you. Someday she'll understand. 
It is so hard to believe Jason has been gone 8 months already. time doesn't stop for anything. Amber is getting married in June. Her boyfriend has been her rock thru a lot in a year.
I haven't heard from your brother. I'm still praying that he has found peace and love and happiness. He had some health issues of his own for awhile. Watch over him will you please?
For Easter we are going to do a picnic. With my current health issues there are foods I can't eat so I thought a picnic would be nice. We bought horse shoes. 
I remember the picnic back home all of us playing horse shoes and baseball ⚾️. It was fun. 
I love you Mike. I wish I could hug you and talk to you. Hear your mighty laugh. 
I'll write soon. ✍️
❤️
Mom

Hi Michael
Sorry it's been so long. It's been a busy few months. 
For the past few years we have have been going away for Christmas. Last year we went to Tennessee. It was great in the mountains. They got snow on Christmas eve and Christmas Day. This year we are going to Missouri. I always look at housing and jobs where ever we go. Now that Jason is gone there is no reason to stay in Texas. 

I was recently thinking about the week before you passed. I am so thankful that we had those days to talk. Staying the night at the hotel. Going to partons for pizza, taking Ethan to the play area at the park. I wish we could have had that understanding much earlier. You were so right, I am happier when I'm not home. The talk was great and it's what I have to fall back on. 
I've been trying to go to church. It is a little difficult sitting in the pews. I have a pinched nerve and disc issue in my back. I see a spine Dr in a couple weeks. 

Last time I wrote I told you Ethan was going to be a daddy. He's not anymore. The girl lost the baby. We found out she didn't lose it but they put him up for adoption. It was an open adoption so Ethan gets pictures and talks to the adoptive mom. They weren't ready for a child.

I am still praying for both of your brothers. Praying Matthew gets right with his life and Ryan finds true happiness. 

I was recently talking to someone about snakes. I remembered the photo of you wrapped in a snake at an event at Brien McMahon. I still shiver over that. 


Well dad just got home. Have to get dinner going. 

I love and miss you. ❤
Mom

Sorry it has been a little while. Uncle Jason's memorial was yesterday. It was nice. Logan gave a great speech. I had diarrhea all morning. I didn't think I could go to his house knowing he wouldn't be there. It was OK. I thought maybe Ryan would show up at the funeral home. He didn't. That had added to my anxiety. 

So when you left us Ethan was a small toddler. Just turned 3 years old. Today he is a senior in high school and having a baby! It just doesn't pay to talk to these kids. I can't stop him from having sex. I told him to be careful. There is a lot of birth control out there. Obviously he didn't hear me.  His gf is a twin. I hope it skips a generation for his sake. 

I should be done with physical therapy by October. My elbow and arm were swollen after my last session and still this weekend. I've had 3 surgeries so I'm not doing anymore. My arm is moving better I just wish I knew what was causing the swelling. 

Well that's about it for now. I will write again soon. I wish I could talk to you in person instead of these writings. I would love to see your children and what you did with your life. 

Ryan has a son. He blames me because Uncle Bill didn't get to see him. Ryan was supposed to go to CT and changed plans. He never called Bill and Colleen so they were mad which is understandable. Instead of apologizing and owning it, Ryan got mad and blocked Colleen from fb. If he didn't block her she would have been able to send him a message like she did us. I tried to reach him but he wasn't working. I'm sorry but I am not going to explain myself anymore. It's been too many years. 

Thank you for being my sounding board. I love and miss you. 

I'm thankful for that last week where we were able to talk and you were able to understand my side better. I wish we had longer. 

I forgot to tell you earlier that I have started going to Church again. Your dad is coming with me tomorrow. There is always hope.
I'm going to pray for both of your brothers. Matthew needs some major guidance. Ryan needs some major help with his anger and resentment. Holding onto anger as long as he has is not healthy. He also has a little trouble remembering things as they really occurred. He'll never truly be happy in life until he let's some of this go. I'm working hard with a therapist. And it is hard to talk about some stuff but I want a better life. 

I got home late from the hospital. I'm going to check on Melissa and try to rest.

Love you.
Mom

Happy Birthday in Heaven my .
We planned on going to Uno pizza to continue the tradition but found out the restaurant closed last August.
As the years go by there are so many changes. The one constant is how very much I love and miss you. How much I would love to celebrate this day with you. To go and do what works make you happy.
I hope you have a great party with the angels, family and friends. Tell grandma Cheryl and Wanda I love and miss them all. Don't dance eat lots. 

You are forever missed my baby boy. I wish we could have a do over.

Love you ♥️
Mom

Hello my Angel
This day is here again. 14 years without you. The hole in my ❤️ is as big today as it was the day you left in 2007. I will never ever get use to you not being here. You would be almost 41 years old. I often wonder what your life would be like. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe not being able to talk to you. I still talk to Matt Miller. He's doing ok. He misses you. I haven't seen Ryan in many years. I miss him and worry about him but I'm not good for him. I wish we could talk things out but with Ryan that could never happen.
Dad, Ethan and I are going out to dinner tonight. Maybe tell some stories about you. We can't go to Uno's they closed last August. So many changes. Life is starting to get back to normal a little bit since this pandemic.
Do you think you can help me out with the lotto numbers? I don't need millions. Just enough for a house. I am way to old for a mortgage. I would help others with what I could. Just rubbing my lucky charm. ☺️
Dad is in an interview now. Fingers crossed.

I love you Mike. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you enough while you could hear me. You deserved so much good out of life. I'm sorry you got the short end of the stick.

I'll write again soon. The tears are starting to fall.
Love you with all my heart
Mom

Happy Easter in Heaven Michael!
It is that time of year where my emotions are all over the place. Happiness anger tears all in a matter of minutes. My heart breaks everyday. I miss you so much. Dad Ethan and I are going over to your Uncle Jason and Melissa's new house for the holiday. I'll try to pretend all is well as I usually do. Enjoy your holiday with nana (give her a big hug and kiss from us) and the rest of the angles.
You are
4everLoved &
4evermissed

Hello my Angel
Merry early Christmas in Heaven.
I'm so sorry I haven't written for awhile. It's been crazy. Dad lost his job in September. We are still in a pandemic with this Covid virus. I had surgery on my ulnar nerve December 4th. It hurts like crazy.
Dad Ethan I are going Tennessee tomorrow for Christmas. I don't like staying home anymore without the family. 2 more days grandma has up with you for 11 years.
We really miss you both so much.

In a way thankful you up where it's peaceful and beautiful and away from the crazy violence here.

I will write again very soon
Love and miss you always.
Mom

Hi Mike it's been awhile I'm sorry. Life has been kind of crazy. We are still in this pandemic. Every one has to wear masks everywhere. Schools are operating on different schedules to prevent the spread of this virus.

It's an election year. God help us for whomever wins. The United States has gone crazy with violence against police. Folks are making criminals poster people against police violence. Everyone has turned against the police. Even when they are right doing their job they are wrong. Fired, prosecuted even killed. As much as I miss you I'm happy you are not here for this.
Ethan went to 6 flags Saturday and it was crazy. Teenagers looking to cause trouble. There were 2 big fights in 2 hours. 10 to 15 police cars during the 2nd fight. You Can't do anything fun without worrying what will happen. Road rage is out of control also.

2 weeks ago I got dad fired from his job. I don't think it was really because of me. A 22 year old died at his job from what I think was a drug overdose. I keep checking the medical examiner's site. Anyway his new manager wasn't happy that I posted a photo of police and ambulance and fired him. I didn't post any people. They said policy is no talking to media. Well I'm not an employee and I didn't talk to anyone.

I'm hoping to go to the Dallas gardens tomorrow. I love their pumpkin fest. I wanted to go Saturday for my birthday but they were sold out.

I'm running out to shop and pay the water bill.
I just wanted to chat and tell you how much I love and miss you.

4 ever in my ❤
Mom

July 2nd 1980 2:00am I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom but nothing would come. Little did I know that I was in labor with you. There was no great pain like you see on TV. Cousin Patty drove me to the hospital. Lol you got a police escort. The Dr said first babies take awhile so I should walk around. You had other plans. I got out of bed and it felt like you dropped out of me. At 4:45am this perfect 5lb 6ou 16 inch baby boy arrived. You were like a little doll. You were a wonderful baby. You slept great at night. I didn't know then we would only have you for 26 years. A short time. We miss you today and everyday.

I hope you are having a huge party with the Angels. You always deserved the very best.

Happy 40th birthday Michael.

Love
Mom, Dad, Matt and Ethan.

13 years today since my life turned upside down. 13 years since we've seen your smile or heard your voice. 13 years since we've heard your deep belly laugh. My heart breaks today as it did that awful day. So many times I hear something and think I can't wait to tell Michael. Then remember that I can't. I wanted to ask if you knew this girl who passed away around the time you did. You were about the same age but then I remembered I couldn't because you were gone. We've been in the middle of a pandemic for a couple months. Many folks ill and many died. The country shut down. It is slowly reopening even though this virus is still around. Dad took the day off from work. Ethan, Dad and I are going to uno's for lunch in memory of you. I'm a little nervous but hopefully you and God will watch over us. We try to do something every year in your honor. This year is difficult with so much closed or limited opening.

I miss you Michael. I love you with all my heart. I wish I could had told you just how much while you were still here. I've faced a lot these past 13 years.

Well the tears are coming and my eyes are burning so I'll go for now.

4 ever loved
And never forgotten.
Mom

Happy Easter in Heaven Michael.

Church's are closed. Schools are closed. Many businesses are closed due to this pandemic. Many are sick. Many have died . Cousin John David came down with this awful virus. He's been in the hospital almost 3 weeks. 12 days on ICU on a ventilator. He's off the ventilator now. Having liquid foods. Doing some therapy. He only took 3 steps Friday. It's a start. His slow recovery is a Easter blessing to his wife and kids.

I began a diet in January. Down 20lbs. Not a great amount but a start. It's hard to diet when grocery store shelves are empty. We are supposed to stay in away from others. I try to take frisky to the park for exercise for both of us. We stay away from others. It's realty spooky. Most days not many people are around.

Waiting to hear about dad's job. His supervisor was laid off. She and dad were considered high risk because of their ages. Dad called Thursday but got no response. So many people (Millions) have lost their jobs. If you could send some positive vibes to them it would be appreciated.

Well I will write again soon.
We all Love and miss you!❤
Mom dad Matt and Ethan

Hello my Angel
Sorry it's been awhile. I've had trouble signing in. It is really crazy in the world right now. We have a pandemic going on. Many many people sick and dying. Very Very scary.
My cousin John David is one of the sick. He is in the hospital in a drug induced coma on a ventilator. Drs say he is critical but stable. Please watch over him is you can. Maybe grandma can.
Millions of people have lost their jobs. Drs want everyone to stay in their homes unless shopping or picking up meds. Some of my Dr appointments have been xo'd. Folks are hoarding toilet paper and food. Schools are closed probably for the rest of the school year.
I wish I could have a real conversation with you. You were level headed and didn't get panicked.
I miss you. It's hard to believe that almost 13 years have passed.
I will write again soon.
Love you forever
Mom

Happy Valentine's Day in Heaven my sweet Angel. I love you !!!!!!!
I miss you dearly!!!!!
Mom

Hi my Angel.
It's getting close to that time of year and
I'm having a very emotional few days.
The emotions have kicked in early this year. Usually they begin mid March until mid May.
I really miss you. I talked to dad about my dysfunctional childhood and how that poured into my adult life and mothering. You deserved so much more then you got from all of us. We all love you. You were a great young man who should still be enjoying a great life.
Almost 13 years and that whole in my heart just won't heal.

I wish I could spend a few hours with you to tell you how much I love and miss you. Hug you. I'm so happy we had those talks the last week. Hopefully you knew.

Well here come the tears again. I will write again soon.

Many hugs
Love forever
Mom

Merry Christmas my Angel!

I'm sure you all are having quite a celebration up there. Stop by for a heavenly dream. I would love to hear your voice and see your smile. Even if it's in my dreams.

Love and miss you
Mom

Hello my Angel
I've been thinking about you a lot. Christmas is next week. It doesn't really feel like Christmas. Dad Ethan and I are going to Florida for the holiday. Hopefully it will be more festive. With Matt and Ryan not here and you and grandma gone the holidays just aren't festive. Last weekend we went with Jason and Melissa to a Christmas event. They talked about Jesus and the meaning of Christmas. We took a hay ride. Cookies, hot chocolate. They had a live goat and camel. This is Christmas#12 without you. 12 years without hearing your voice or seeing your smile. I try to make new memories but I wish you were here. What would your life be like now.
I couldn't do the candle lighting ceremony this year. I was having a medical procedure and had to drink this awful stuff.
My arm is still hurting from the surgery in September. I do PT a couple times a week. I wish I could finally raise the arm.
Well that's all that is happening here. I wish I could have a visit from you. Maybe in my dreams or just feel you close by. It's been awhile.

Forever on my heart.
4 ever missed
4 ever loved.
Mom

Hi my Angel
My heart is broken again. My Very best friend of nearly 40 years passed away 2 weeks ago. Almost 3 months to the day that Wanda passed. She just turned 53. As a baby Cheryl and I had so much fun with you. We took you everywhere. We would walk to the beach, play in the sand. play catch in the water. We would bundle you up and walk in the snow, lol you looked like a baby snowman.

I'm still doing PT for my arm. They say usually 12 weeks. It is not fun. I still can't raise my arm much. It gets a little frustrating.

We had a cancer scare with Ethan. He needed a colonoscopy. The Dr found 3 polyps. They did a biopsy. He has to have a colonoscopy every 3 years going forward.

I wish you and grandma were here to talk to. I miss you so much. I often wonder what you would had done in your life. Would you be married? Kids? Would you have lost that weight?

I've gained a lot my self. I'm trying to lose it.

I just wanted to check in. I'm always thinking of you.

4 ever missed
4 ever loved
Mom