So Dad and I went to church yesterday.  I was very surprised that he came.  I prayed for guidance for Matthew to help on the downward spiral he has been on for far to long.  
I prayed for Ryan to get help to over come his anger and resentment so he can live a happier more fulfilled life.  
For some reason he's under the false impression that you came to the hospital with me that fateful night. Grandma came.  
He also believes I've blamed him for years regarding your death.  I was angry at first over the fighting he Matt  and Velma were doing with you the whole week prior. Stress your heart didn't need. Then I found out the 2 of you were playing Wii the night before.  I know he tried his best to save you. Maybe he can't forgive himself and it's easier to say I've blamed him. He hasn't spoken to me so he has no idea what I think or feel.  He sent me another nasty email which I didn't read in the entirety.  I have never been a Trump supporter and since I've had covid myself and been hospitalized  I told him he was an asshole.  He isn't really,  he's just an unhappy angry young man.  I can't apologize for a lot of his anger because some of the stories are just that. Stories.  I wish you could come to him in a dream and somehow help him.  He had good in him.  Everything I look at my dog I am grateful to Ryan.  Frisky has helped me through many things over the years.  
Ryan is angry because you were cremated.  I had no choice.  I'm sorry he can't understand that.  He thinks I left you.  I didn't,  I went to Carol for help.  The ambulance was taking far too long.  I won't apologize for trying to get help.  For many years I wished it was you who came to the hospital with me. If this happened there you would have had the help you needed.  You needed the paddles within 5 minutes from what I've read.  I know Velma did not kill you but I will never forgive what she said to you.  In a way I am grateful that they gave you a hard time.  You and I talked about it.  You then understood some stuff and why I was angry at home. I'm thankful you were able to understand some.  I wish you had more time on this earth.  You could had become something.  Matthew can become something if I can find away to keep him off of the substance abuse.  Ryan can have a great life if he let's go of the anger.  
Your dying so quickly.  Jason dying so quickly has taught me to live as happy as we can each day because you never know. 
I love you Michael.  I never ever said it enough and I'm sorry for that. 
Chat soon
Mom

Well  your uncle Jason died last night.  I am in shock.  His girlfriend is shattered.  His kids heart broken.  This virus ravished him in just a matter of days.  I don't understand how these monsters can be left walking the earth and good people don't stand a chance.  Innocent children with horrible illness.  I'm really really angry.  His life was changing for the better.  He was happier then ever.  I asked you and grandma to talk to the big guy to make him well and send him home.  What happened?  How much more do we have to lose?  How many more people do I have to miss?
This virus is horrible.  It's scary.  It has killed so many people.  I worry about ryan though he would never believe it.  I couldn't tell him about Jason because I don't know how to find him.  He was angry when he wasn't told about Bill.  He makes it difficult.  
Please watch out for Jason up there.  


Love you
Mom