I don't think anyone can or will ever understand who and what my grandma was, what she meant to me. So let me make it clear.
My grandma was a warrior, she fought for her children and grandchildren, always fought to see that we got the best there was. She was there whenever any of us were ill or such. She would take care of us. Now I ask myself what I was doing, what was so important that I couldn’t have been there for her, to soothe her pain? Now I spend my time weeping, over what I should have done but didn’t, over my own ignorance.
She was not only a physical but spiritual warrior. She always prayed for us all. I remember some days before she died, I was on the phone with her and she said, “pray for grandma, grandma will not die but live." Grandma I'm so sorry, I can't expect you to forgive me because I can't forgive myself. You entrusted me to pray for you, pray for you to live, but once again I failed, disappointed you. I'm so very sorry.
My grandma was also a genius, she is still one of the smartest people I know. She was always there for me, corrected me when wrong. I didn't know before, but I realize now that she was also many steps ahead of me, she knew what I was thinking, and told me the consequences in advance.
Above all this, my grandmother was a major part of me, she kept me intact. I remember one of the nights I would lay awake thinking of my grandma, especially when she had stayed with us for some weeks and left. I remember crying that night, missing and longing for my grandma. I spoke to her the next morning and wept to her to come back, and she did, though maybe a month or two after.
I never thought those nights would come when I would weep, but wouldn’t be able to make her come back. I always thought my grandma would always be there, just for me. Death was far from anything I expected to happen to anyone near me, and certainly not her. I didn’t even consider it a possibility. I was so confused, like, do people still die? does that still happen???
Now I don’t understand anymore, my world feels like a blur. I don’t know what to do, when a part of me was yanked out. I keep hoping, believing that I’m living a nightmare, that grandma is in Ibadan with grandpa, and that I can speak to her whenever I want, just to hear her voice. But as I think of picking up a phone, I feel an emptiness in me and remember that she’s not there, not here.
I haven’t explained half the woman my grandma was to me, but I hope you at least have an idea.
Grandma, I love and miss you with all I have left in me, and I always will for as I long as I live.