Miss you so much.

Goodnight 2015,nothing can change the fact that mum will not see in the new year .Her life ended completely on July 1st 2015,it seems wrong to celebrate the end of the year and the beginning of a new one , there is nothing new other than there is one less light in the world , my mum.The platitudes that people give you are meant to comfort you , but really they are just empty words having no impact to bring peace or comfort .Happy new year , indeed it might be , mum said happy new year to me Jan 1st 2015 , not knowing it would be her last .The new year will come and keep coming , people will celebrate , laugh ,drink and be full of joy , not really knowing why , but still it's better than being sad .But , as a family we are sad , because mum is no more and won't ever be again .So to all those who have loved and lost the following is for you :
"Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you "

Mum died on July 1st at approximately 2.20 pm at Saint Mary's Hospice Birmingham ,her 4 children and their husband and wives were present until the very last tear fell from her eyes.Dont cry for us I thought as the very last breath left her .She always used to say to us when we made her cross ,can't you just let me take my last 2 or 4 breaths in peace , sounds better in Punjabi ! Alas in those last hours of her life we all smiled and cried as we knew that time of the last 2 or 4 breaths had come.Peacefulness is a strange thing ,and whilst she certainly appeared peaceful,she appeared so very sad as she left us .Death is so final ,it would seem .I left quite quickly afterwards with Gary ,pain too much to bear,went home and drank lots of vodka ,listened to Whitney,Mariah,Adele and Tom Jones just to validate and perpetuate the sadness,then caught a taxi too my brothers house and drank some more , nothing takes the pain away .The funeral was nice , simplistic and purposeful.Lillies and roses to mark her final journey , a touch of her forehead and a Sat Sri Kal to send her on her way .

I know you loved your garden and the flowers you planted, funnily I love marigolds just as much .Simple pleasures brought us so much comfort.It was great just stopping by your house on a Saturday especially in the summer and you would be out in the garden showing us what had grown and what you were making for lunch . There was so much comfort to be found in you doing this .I often remember you watering the garden with your shalwar rolled up and your feet bare , you looked so happy and then if one of us popped by ,it really made your day .There is no where to go for this comfort now , why is it your house and garden still stands and grows but you are no where to be found , how is that possible .Balraj brought you such good garden gifts , the greenhouse was the best .It was very ritualistic to go down the garden every time we came to the house ,to see what had grown .Children are always in a hurry to leave and live life , and you would say ,you are ready to leave before you even arrive ! I wish I has sat longer, stayed longer ,talked more and not always been in such a hurry .Time went and you went with it .We will go back to the UK and cherish family time and ties and not rush the important moments or just moments.Its too hard without you ,I don't think I will ever be able to eat runner beans again ,they remind me of your garden.it wasn't your time yet ,we were cheated and deceived by death ,because we did not see it waiting at the corner for you .I see you in everything I do , the decisions I make .But how do you continue living a life when so much has been lost ?

Thinking of you from Perth on this the first Christmas morning since you left us. Too hot to wear my T-shaped jumper here today, I promise I would be if in Birmingham! Rest well, God bless.

Death is nothing at all
I have only stepped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other that we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together
Play,smile,think of me ,pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow on it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well

So many promises of the things we would do and the places we would visit, the only thing left are tears and memories, surely it wasn't time for you to go yet. Miss you mum everyday. Alex is here in Australia with us, you would be so proud. Love you always xxx