The Reality
I would like to start this tribute with what I am grateful for. I’m grateful for family. I am grateful for the appreciation I developed for education, independence, decency and stability, all because of you. I appreciate the lessons taught: in and out of the classroom.
Your love and faith in God was unwavering. Your boldness made others uncomfortable. Your conviction so strong, that you imposed your belief on everyone around you. It was your way or the highway – no negotiations!
Admittedly, this is a very emotional and challenging time for me. I’ve struggled to understand and accept this situation. Your departure from this earth has caused a deeply painful experience. It comes with a hurricane of emotions, processing, and reflection. It brings remnants of unfinished business and feelings to light. My mind wants to reject it all. But this is the reality. You are no longer with us in this world. I don’t know how one can summarize or speak to an entire life. There are so many intricacies. People are dynamic and their relationship with the world is infinitely complex. You were a unique human who was more than any of us can fully comprehend or speak to. I say this to say that I disagreed with much with respect to how you handled life in general. I wish you were softer, more understanding, more open with your feelings, more open to doing things differently, more accepting of other perspectives but your differences made you, you!
Grateful
I arrived home to see you after sifting through information and the realization of how gravely ill you were. I suspected your end was near. I missed you by hours. I am grateful for the opportunity to speak to you from my heart just hours before your soul flew away. I sought your forgiveness for not being more understanding of your inhumanely shortcomings. I gave you my forgiveness and released you. I had the opportunity to be part of a Remembrance Service dedicated to your life and I am so grateful. As I listened to tribute after tribute from individuals, past students and colleagues, I was inspired. Your students mostly caught my attention and had me deep in thought. I struggled and still do with the severity of your discipline. Your students uphold a sense of gratitude because you, undoubtedly, were influential in the trajectory of their lives. It was in that moment that I realized that all were equal and you had a staunch conviction that to “spare the rod, would be to spoil the child”. And I began to have conversations with myself, asking me why am I so conflicted? I got my answer; those students went home and I was home. So for me it went beyond tolerable discipline. But I have concluded that this was how you showed that you cared.
Consistency
When I reflect on my childhood, your presence was part of my limited consistency. I was mostly an only child as my step sister was older than me by many years. There was much I didn’t understand or quite frankly much I didn’t know was different from the outside world. I was sheltered. You did not see the necessity of having friends and so I kept me company for most of my childhood, perhaps kept me out of trouble as the substitute were books, pencils, bottles, leaves, self-made toys and the bible. I still struggle to extend myself to anyone beyond family. My friends were my family, so much the reason I have such value for family. We lived a humble life, nothing extra – just enough. I have never experienced food deprivation – always clean and groomed. Never missed a day from school unless duly necessary.
Invaluable Lessons
You taught me some of life’s most important lessons. And you did so in a unique, but powerful way. I was compelled to act in a certain manner and the struggle became real as we battled with conformity of really who I was – a rebel!
Stand straight! Sit upright at the table! Walk briskly – stop throwing yourself around!
Use a knife and fork! Begin eating from the front of your plate and work your way to the back!
Pronounce your words properly! Never allowed to speak any other language but the Queen’s English in your presence.
The first thing you do when you wake up is kneel and pray; the last thing you do before you go to bed is kneel and pray!
Brush your teeth and wash your face when you wake up; brush your teeth and wash your face before you go to bed!
“Speak the truth and speak it ever – cause it what it will! For he who hides the wrong he did, does the wrong thing still!”
“Cleanliness is next to Godliness”
“It is not my Sabbath; it is the Lords’ Sabbath”! I would stand corrected!
I learnt how to be quiet; how to be seen and not heard - how to endure tough times! These are gifts you gave me that prepared me for a time such as this. I have made hard times look easy, always with a smile so the outside world doesn’t see the crucible of anxiety that I endure. More things I have learnt from you without understanding that these are traits I developed because of the environment I was raised in are- giving others even when you leave yourself bare, supporting and assisting your family. I have learnt not to be impartial – to be inclusive to all – to love all. I see how that hurts and divides. All are welcome!
I have learnt to stand boldly for what I believe in, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Offer no apology for who I am and my convictions. I have learnt that what others negatively perceive of me is none of my business, but God’s!
Authenticity
A poet said “We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” You lived this way. I feel you weren’t accountable to anyone. You did what you wanted to do and how you wanted to do it! The challenge came when your way did not align with others. It mostly felt like you stood behind the restrictive social walls and while you were free spirited in thought, speech and deeds, I wish rather than judging menial offences (by your standards), you sought to understand more. You had it in you. You visited and had compassion for the most valiant wrong doers (you visited them in prison), but you were angered by someone whose dress lacked sleeves. I couldn’t understand the standard by which sins were measured.
You had a deep faith in God. I learnt very early how to pray and though it took me years to appreciate the importance and purpose of prayer, I recall by age 4 and 5, I knew how to recite the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6: 9 – 13) as well as Psalm 23 in its entirety. This gift has carried me through the valleys of life. Going to church was always focal. I remember the first Saturday like it was yesterday, when you woke me up and took me to New Haven Seventh Day Adventist Church. I was confused because just the Sunday before we had attended (and we had attended many times before) The Open Bible Church on the boulevard. I was confused and I dare not question why this was happening. It was odd and unpopular and you were not concerned with what people thought. I grew to accept the normalcy of it. And each Saturday we went to church while others headed to the market with their baskets, and it became a foundation of spirituality for me. So I grew up to live authentically and be comfortable with that. Because of experiences such as this, I now embrace differences and diversity. I choose courage over comfort. I live by what I think is right, not what I think is expected of me.
I say what is on my mind without hesitation except to ensure my words fall within the guides of common decency. These experiences gave me an invulnerable strength. That strength endures. It’s with me today.
My Love
I knew you loved bright colors and that you didn’t like dark clothing. It was a joy to shop for you to make sure you had pretty things. I would purchase you intimate clothing and tell you it was important to keep a bag packed with all the necessities for an over-night visit and you would simply give them away. You would show off your church clothing and you kept them in impeccable condition. You would tell folks, "Anne buys me beautiful clothing - great quality!" As I packed away your clothing I realized that you kept most pieces, most still looking almost brand new. Many have approached me to say how proud you were that I took care of my father, financially. And it saddened me to think you thought I did it just for him because, in-fact, I did it for both of you. So, you didn’t have the financial burden of his care - so your quality of life did not deteriorate to a level of hardship. I made the sacrifice not just for him but for both of you! I never felt that you understood my love and that is a miserable regret. On the other hand, I too never understood your emotions either. I never felt your love.
Moving Forward
As I wrap up, I take this opportunity not just to say good-bye but to thank you for the contribution you made to my development, in who I am and the individual I have become. As I raise my two children, I have made my own mistakes, but much of the values I have tried to instill in them are the same values you tried to instill in me. I rest my faith in the same God you introduced me to – the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob, the God of Abraham, the God of David, the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, as I move forward and onward!
Your dawn has come!
Your song is ended, but the melody lingers on.
You will be on my mind forever and always!
Rest in Peace!
Your step-daughter (Anne Marie Lindsay-Kerr)