I dont have the right way to express how I feel right now. Except to say my heart will never be the same. It has been two years today when they told me you were gone. I knew I could feel your presence gone, and I just kept saying no, I thought if they didnt tell me maybe it would be a mistake. I kept hoping they identified you wrong. If i denied it maybe you would wake up. Most times when I have lost anyone close it seemed after time went so fast. And when I look back on this past two years, it did go fast in some ways, I still find it hard to believe. I find it hard to say, I find it unfair. Yet I cant say that because like you told me to trust God that he knows why and what he is doing and we have to trust him. How hard that is, others say God lost his son to. But he knew he was raised in only three days and after 40 days he ascended back to his father. Well It will be a lifetime till I can see you again. All I can do is pray that God helps me to live with the pain of missing you. So see the time feels slow when you feel you are being tormented everyday without your baby on this earth. So some ways it was so fast, two years already. Then another two long years of missing you. If I live on this earth for 23 more years I will love you still, I will never forget your face, smile and tears you cried. I know you kept saying you felt like you was going to do something good for God but didnt know what. I hope that your passing has helped some to know God. Maybe that is what it was. I dont know but if it helped anyone I know YOU would say "Ma it was worth it, to help anyone get to know God" You was an awesome young boy when you were little, with so much insight on things. And You was a awesome young man who really did love people. You cared for people. Some hurt your heart when they took it and made it seem bad cause you cared. Some people was cruel. But you kept being you. I love you Ryan and as you told me I am to forgive others. You have and did. So I did and have. I still have the lump in my throat and headaches everyday, like the tension cant and wont release. The tension I felt when they told me what my fear already knew, but wanted to deny has never let up. It has gripped me and wont let go. I pray that God can help heal my head pain. And my heart pain. You was and are my life and I know you are asleep waiting for the day Jesus comes in the Clouds and when the dead in Christ rise I know you will be there and we both will be caught up with him in the clouds. What a wonderful day that will be. I know when you open your eyes it will seem to you as if it was a blink of an eye you was behind your wheel. So that is comforting knowing you will not know any bad things going on here. You would want to kick my butt for all this crying. lol Until I see you again My precious son, RIP Then angels are surrounding you and keeping you safe.