ForeverMissed
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Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in memory of my dear Mummy, Saroj Bansal. She was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure. She will live on in our Hearts forever.

Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.

She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters). Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke. My Mom was only 18. She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she passed away. So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age. She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage. We lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.

We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977. My father worked as an Accountant for the Embassy of India. Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here. Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life that we have. She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993. Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs. The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.

She was last hospitalized in June of 2013 for complications related to her Heart. She spent 12 days in ICU before being sent home with Milrinone to be administered via a Portable IV to keep her heart pumping. It made her heart work so well and she felt good and healthy in a very long time. For the first time in years, she smiled and asked for food and sang! She wrote a long message for the ICU nurses and insisted we go to UW and deliver it. Those few days were the best in ages! She was so proud of the fact that she walked out of hospital on her own two feet rather than in a wheelchair. For me these were a gift. It was such a happy thing to have her ask for more food that the Hospital Staff thought they were allowed to give!

She was very independent minded and did not accept help easily or happily.

But this reprieve was not to last very long. She came home on July 2nd and the medicine slowly stopped working as well within 2-3 weeks.

She knew it was time and she made a call to someone she trusted – to make sure I didn’t fall apart without her. Chris told me later - 'You thought you were taking care of her; she was looking out for you!'

On September 7th she said she wanted to go for a drive with me, came home and later during the morning hours between 4:30 and 5:00am on September 8th, slipped away just when we turned the lights off to let her sleep. My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet; her son and daughter-in-law close. This is the way she wanted to go, with her family around and in her own bed.

She was a very strong and smart lady. Even her close friends did not know how ill she was until the end. She never talked about it. Whenever I or anyone else talked on phone with her, she always sounded cheerful and well. She was very determined. The only thing that terrified her was the thought that she may end up in a Nursing Home. Even when she was getting Chemo, she would go to her craft class next day and they only realized her problem when they saw the loss of hair. She loved to knit and sew. She used to make all my clothes when I was a child; embroidered her saris and shawls. I remember watching her do that in fascination. She continued that almost until the end. She used to do quilting for the Senior Center. She was very active - never wanting to sit in one place, always on a move. Cooking was her passion. She was a wonderful cook and loved to make all kinds of dishes.

She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son Ashish, and two of his daughters, Priya and Pramita; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla.

December 25, 2019
December 25, 2019
Happy 61st Marriage Anniversary - Papa Mummy -- wherever you are.

Thinking of you today and always.

Love you very much and miss you even more.
Your daughter
December 24, 2019
December 24, 2019
Dear Mummy Papa

61 years ago today you were both preparing for your big day tomorrow at this time. So much of your life ahead of you. You were both so young. Looking back now life seems so short. But your story is not over - not until I am gone. Even then you will be remembered by those who will benefit from your legacy - I have made sure of that.

Yesterday morning I woke up and had such a strong wish to call you. But I don't know how. Can you see me and hear my voice when I talk to you? Will you come for me when it is my time?

Tomorrow is your day and I will make pakori. Both of you liked it. I miss those days when in the middle of the night we would feel hungry and you would make pakori. Those were happy times.

I miss you always. But will miss you more tomorrow. Our last time together on your anniversary was in 2012 when I came to Madison. We made pizza!
Miss those days... miss the cappuccino... miss so many things.

Love you very much
Your daughter
November 6, 2019
November 6, 2019
Dear Mummy

I feel like I saw you in my dream last night but couldn't quite remember. I hope you are not fading from my dreams too - I need you still... Few weeks ago I saw that you and I got on the bus together. That was so lovely. You had such a broad smile on your face! 

I miss your smile... miss your face... miss your voice... And miss arguing with you!

Love you
Your daughter
October 24, 2019
October 24, 2019
Dear Mummy

That last evening sitting with you on the bench, with both you and Papa slowly slipping away, my heart refused to accept what the brain knew - and what you knew. That's why you hesitated before saying 'achcha' when I said 'jab thodi taakat aa jayaigi taw wahan tak chalaingai' and pointed to the curb around the house. 

I miss you so much Mummy. Often think about what life would have been like if you had stayed healthy or even if that stupid / negligent doctor had done her job. I wish so much to find her one more time so that I can ask her the question that has been on my mind forever - 'Why???'.

But I don't know how to find her.

I thought about that little doll house we all made together before trouble came to our family. Whatever happened to it? When you all left that house in Temple Hills, did it get thrown away? We built it with so much care and love! Wonder why I didn't think about it all these years. And so much of my stuff that was in that house - obviously got thrown away!

Another Diwali without you and Papa - without Babaji Ammaji and without a family gathering. I will try to do something that day - want to at least make some effort to carry out the traditions - no matter in however small way. May be you all will see and smile...

Wish you could see all the beautiful colors the trees leaves are turning into. You would have loved it. I can just picture your smile. I wonder some times and try to picture if Ammaji (and even Babaji) could have come here and what fun it would have been to show them around! 

I need you so much!
Missing you and love you
Your daughter
October 16, 2019
October 16, 2019
Dear Mummy

I saw you in my dream few nights ago. You were sleeping and I touched your hair and it felt so soft. Your hair, when it grew back, was so baby soft. I can still feel the softness on my finger and it made me so happy. Papa was there too somewhere - I had the feeling he was around...

Wish I could touch you one more time and give you a BIG hug!

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
October 9, 2019
October 9, 2019
Happy Dasharah Mummy...

May be one day I will be with you again and we will celebrate these days. I found the old book we used to write Dasharah and news of the year! And last one that Papa wrote in 2016 when he was by himself at Artisan. That broke my heart. I had not expected him to be alone on that day. Who can I blame but myself? I hope that all those sorrows and heartaches are now long forgotten - now that you are all together once again. I won't ever ask for forgiveness because I don't deserve it. Papa depended on me much - he knew he could ask me for anything but I let him down.

Well, on this day I think of the old days when we were together in Meerut and feel lucky to have been part of that life - and to have been part of yours.

Love you very much.
Your daughter
October 2, 2019
October 2, 2019
Dear Mummy

25 years ago today we lost Ammaji. You and Papa we there and may be she was just waiting for you. I am glad that you both got to be there - specially Papa. It is very important to be able to say goodbye to special people in one's life. Not being able to be there for Papa when his time comes will haunt me forever. I am also glad that she went while in her bed at home. It still scares me when I think that she may have been in a car...

I love and miss you all very much. But specially today I have been thinking of Ammaji and Babaji all day. Where is that life gone?

Missing you.
Your daughter
September 26, 2019
September 26, 2019
Celebrating 121st and 113th Happy Birthday of Babaji and Ammaji today and thinking of all of you being together on this day. I hope you are happy wherever you are. 

Love you
Your daughter
September 25, 2019
September 25, 2019
Dear Mummy

You and I got our first and last hair-do together this day 14 years ago!
I wonder what life would have been and what places we would have traveled together if certain doctors didn't steal your life away...

So much we have missed together...

Missing you very much today.
With Love.
Your daughter
September 14, 2019
September 14, 2019
Dear Mum

I hope you liked your bouquet.  I hope you heard my voice saying "Happy Birthday, Mum". The weather cleared up just so we could make the boat trip to your resting place.

Wish you were here and we could have gone to have lunch at a Mexican place. We have found so many Mexican places since you have been gone and I always think of you and Papa when we are there.

Love you.
Happy Birthday.
Your daughter
September 14, 2019
September 14, 2019
Happy Birthday Mum

I will bring you flowers today...

Missing you very much on your day - as always.
Love you.
Your daughter
September 10, 2019
September 10, 2019
Deeply remembered on your 6th Anniversary when you left for heavenly abode on 8th September 2013. presently we have lost almost all our elder generation and left with no umbrellas. Pray god for your noble soul to rest in peace. Be happy where ever you are.
September 9, 2019
September 9, 2019
We were thinking of you today. We feel so blessed that we could have a part of your life even for a short time. We can't help but smile when we talk about you, you always made us feel so special. Our thoughts and prayers are with your family today.
September 8, 2019
September 8, 2019
Dear Mummy

No dream of you last night...
You were on your way to Gunderson - your very first and last travel all by yourself. You never liked going anywhere by yourself. We followed you in a car. 

Papa and I were with you in your last moments. You waited until lights were turned off to leave quietly. You never did like making fuss and suffered everything without letting anyone know much of what was going on. And so you left us without making a sound.

I meant to be at Sea today where we buried you and Papa but Hurricane stopped us. So I will be there next week on your birthday. 

I can no longer see you with my eyes...
I can no longer touch you with my fingers...
But you will be in my heart forever.

Every morning I try to picture all four of you smiling at me and it helps me to go on knowing that you are all together now... happy...

Missing you on this day just as I do every day... but a little bit more.
Love you
Your daughter
September 7, 2019
September 7, 2019
Dear Mummy

6 years ago at this time (12:57pm), I was with you and you not well at all. You must have been scared but talked very little. You talked very little for long time but... I know you were scared - probably mostly of ending up in nursing home. You were so strong though! Mentally, you were very strong and kept your dignity until the end. In the afternoon Papa and I went out to get somethings for you that you could easily wear. I still wear one of those gowns. But you never got to wear them. After you showered, I gave you the sweater I brought for your birthday. You put it on but you were very sad. All that time, my brain never let me realize what was happening - that you were fading quickly. 

Wish I could have held you tight and never let you go. Wish... and wish some more... 

May be you will come in my dream and give me a hug tonight. May be I will see all of you...

It hurts so much. Once in a while the memory of something - you and me going shopping; you and me taking a walk; you sitting with me talking at night... -- it all is so vivid! How can it be that I can't see you anymore?

Once you came in my dream and as I tried to hug you, I woke up but I had such a strong feeling of touching you - of you being there in the room with me! Perhaps you were...

Life without you! Live with all four of you... I was never prepared for this.

Thinking of you - Loving you and Missing you.
Your daughter
September 5, 2019
September 5, 2019
Dear Mummy

42 years ago you and Papa brought us here. It was so long ago but feels like just yesterday. I remember how you and I used to cry while reading Babaji and Ammaji's letters which arrived almost daily. When Papa would come home for lunch from office, we would ask him every day if there were any letters from India. It was such a bittersweet time. We missed them so much but we had a new life, new people and new places to see. Babaji Ammaji lost everything once we left them. I can't even imagine when I try to think of the pain they must have felt. How would they have gone to sleep that night and it is just so hard! You and Papa worked so hard to give us the life we live today - in comfort and relatively happy. But what did you two get? That is a million dollar question and the answer to which leaves me feeling inadequate and ashamed.

Missing you very much - especially this month as this is the month we all came to the States and a new life begun for us.

Love you and missing you very much
Your daughter
August 27, 2019
August 27, 2019
Dear Mummy

I hope you can see the scholarship in Babaji Ammaji's name that your inheritance has helped to set up! We wanted to do this for so long.


https://homeopathy.org/product/gupta-fund-donation/

Wish you were here now. 
Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
Wish you were here now. 
Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
August 22, 2019
August 22, 2019
Dear Mummy

For some reason it came to me earlier this morning how on that fateful day in June of 2013 you returned from the hospital and were having dinner when I called. Apparently the hospital called and wanted you to come back. You told me "mujhai to achcha he lug reha hai; per sub kehai rahain hein tow chali jaoongi". You went on your own two feet feeling good enough but came back with a death sentence. I never liked to leave you alone in the hospital but you were alone that day. Who knows what caused it but your sugar level went very low and your heart stopped before they brought you back. But it didn't function much after that. I felt so sad then and this morning when I thought of it, now it is sticking to me and I keep thinking that it was such a huge mistake for Papa and everyone there to make you go back to hospital. It was probably not so much Papa who wanted you to go back. 

I wish I was there. I wouldn't have let you go back - or at least I would have been there to protect you.

I failed you in so many ways Mummy. How to keep on living with so much regret? I should have taken care of both of you here in Maryland. It is too late for everything now.


I miss you so much - all the time you are on my mind.
Your daughter
August 18, 2019
August 18, 2019
Dear Mummy

Hope you can see that the other half of the money you left has been put to good use and a scholarship three of us always wanted to start in Babaji Ammaji's name has been established. First recipient has already been selected. Wish you were here to see this but I am sure that wherever you are you can see this and are smiling. 

Love you always.
Missing you forever.
Your daughter
August 8, 2019
August 8, 2019
Dear Mummy

It is hard to believe that it is one month short of 6 years since you have been gone. It doesn't feel that long. Feels as though you just walked away. Sometimes when I am standing in the kitchen and look down at the sofa where you used to sit, I can so clear picture your head. I miss coming home sometimes and not seeing you there. I miss your smile. Miss fighting with you... Miss walking with you. Miss going to store and buying clothes with you. I don't think I have done that since you have been gone. Last store you and walked through was Target... Miss everything about you. Miss your voice. Miss talking with you every day. We used to talk at least once a day. Miss knowing that you are somewhere where I can come and see you anytime I want. Miss your cooking... Kheer and samosas. No kheer since you left in October 2012. I can see you so clearly as you looked back at me as you went through the security gate. Miss coming to pick you up at the airport. Miss you and Papa picking me up from airport. Miss going on vacations with you - three of us traveled a lot, didn't we? 

Babaji and Ammaji are disappointed in me. I let them down. But I miss them so very much. If you are with them, ask them for me to come and visit me in my dreams. I can be happy if I could see the four of you in my dream from time to time. 

I am scared about what the end will be like for me. I wish I could talk to you about it. I know what you will say - "jo hoga wo hoga, hasti raho". Wish I was as brave as you. Will you come for me when my time comes? I hope all four of you will come and take me with you when it is time.

Love you so much. And miss you. 
Your daughter
July 11, 2019
July 11, 2019
Wish I had your strength and dignity, Mummy.
Wish I could see you all once again - even if just for a day...

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
June 30, 2019
June 30, 2019
Dear Mummy

I saw you in my dream last night - it was a long dream and continued even after I woke up and went back to sleep again. I saw you and heard your voice as clearly as I did on April 19th, 2015!  You looked and talked in your characteristic manner. I love you so much. Thank you for this gift!

Love you very much and miss you always.
Your daughter
June 26, 2019
June 26, 2019
Dear Mummy

Were you all trying to show me that you are still with me and sent couple of Monarchs to me near your bench at the garden? It cannot be a coincidence that Kevin has decided to create a Monarch Way Station right there at your bench! I know the four of you can see me and are with me always - looking out for me.

It made me feel very happy to see the first butterflies of the season several caterpillars. Kevin thinks that it shows that I have a strong connection with you. I think so too. And just around the same time the Homeopathy Scholarship is set up with the money that you two left. I hope you are all as happy as I am. Most of things that I wanted to complete in life are almost all done. I won't be sad to leave it. Just want Chris to bury me and not be left out. I know you will come for me when it is time.

Love you
Your daughter
June 25, 2019
June 25, 2019
Dear Mummy

Wish you were there on the 17th at the UW hospital. I missed you so - sitting in the atrium near where we used to drink Cappuccino. Last time when you, Papa and I passed by after seeing Dr. Rahko, you asked if we wanted Cappuccino and we said no because we were in a hurry. Didn't know it then that was the last time we would pass through that route!

I had lunch with Dr. Rahko, Kim and Pete that Monday morning. We received much from them and eventually you will be able to do something for them through me - I will see to it. 

I missed you that day as I read Papa's text messages while waiting for them.

Miss you now.
Love you forever.
Your daughter
May 12, 2019
May 12, 2019
Dear Mummy

"Hello"...
"Happy Mother's Day"...
"Thank You!"...
Missed having this conversation with you this morning for the 6th year now. Missed you even more. Last night I dozed off while watching TV and had a dream that Papa, Shailu and I were somewhere. Didn't see Shailu but he was in the house. Papa and I were sitting somewhere. Then it was time for bed; so I went with Papa in a room that looked like you bedroom and suddenly had this overwhelming sense of missing you. And I said to you - 'Aaj tumhari bahut yaad aa rehi hai, Mummy'... And Papa stood there too looking as lost as I. I haven't seen Papa in my dream in a long time. And so I believe he came to help me this Mother's day as he knew it would be hard for me. Makes me believe even more that the four of you are still looking out for me from somewhere and that some day I will see you again. That was such a "real" kind of dream!

I was just thinking yesterday that if we missed out on so many conversations between you and me because you were ill for so long. Your illness robbed us of so much!! For last so many years most of our talks were centered toward your eating, your doctor's visits and your vitals. I worried about you so much. I know you wanted us to talk about other things but most important thing for me was to get you well again... just as it was for Papa. And in that process, I lost too much time that I cannot get back now. May be in dreams?

Some times I want so much for those days to come back when we were back in India and everything was good and we were happy and content. I don't ever remember feeling deprived even though we didn't have much money. I had so much love in my life and you were all there. There is so much empty space now. 

Please come for me before it is Chris's time to go. I could not bear it if he were gone before me. I know you know this and I believe you will come for me.

In last few years without you I have learnt so much about people that you were trying to teach me and you were right. I guess I had to find out for myself and finding it out hurts. I am sorry that I didn't try to understand because I thought I knew better.

Wish I could call you... Wish I could take you out to lunch and talk and talk and listen and listen to you forever...

Miss you and Love you.
Happy Mother's Day.
Your daughter
May 6, 2019
May 6, 2019
Dear Mummy

I had a very bad dream last night. I had to try to walk me out of the dream almost... I don't remember it very well but it seemed like there was something in some house somewhere that you were supposed to go and get something from. There were many houses and I didn't know which one you would be in. I was supposed to go and pick you up in 10-15 minutes but somehow I forgot. It was few hours or so later when I remembered and I got in the car and was very upset at what I had done. I called you to find out where to pick you up but you wouldn't tell me. You were crying and sounded like you thought I wasn't coming and now you wouldn't let me pick you up. I told you that I would count to three and then may be hit my car against a tree or something if you didn't tell me. But you would not tell me. Then I woke up very scared and upset.

I think this dream was telling me what I so regret - abandoning you and not forcing you two to move back to Maryland and not taking care of you the way I should have. Now its too late.

What can I do now Mummy? Too late for everything. I just have to believe that you understand and that you still love me from wherever you are. And that some day you will come for me just like you did for Papa.

Missing you and love you always.
Your daughter
May 5, 2019
May 5, 2019
Dear Mummy

I thought of you as we sat in front of the water fountain at the Sculpture Garden yesterday. You liked it very much when we took you there, probably in 2012. It was a lot of walking you did that day! I missed you. 

Love you
Your daughter
April 30, 2019
April 30, 2019
Dear Mummy

I saw you in my dream on 25th, 6 days ago. You cooked a lot of veggies. There seem to be lots of guests at the house. I suggested that we buy naan or something from store so you don't have to make so many of them at home. Surprisingly, you agreed! You looked happy. It was a nice dream. Wish I had one every night...

I miss you Mummy. But you know that already. So many things remind me of you. A lot of times now I wish I could call you to talk. I have so many things to talk about. I hope you can hear me when I am talking to you...

I love you Mummy.
Your daughter
April 19, 2019
April 19, 2019
Dear Mummy

It will be exactly 4 years tonight since last time you came in my dream and we had a nice walk. I have such vivid memory of this particular dream! So real it was. We started walking - you and me - and everything was black and white. The trees on the sides of the streets looked bleak. But as we continued on our walk, they started becoming colorful and looked happy. You looked happy and healthy! It is such a beautiful memory of mine - I will never forget it. Just like the one on that late June morning when you woke up at the hospital room after spending 12 days in ICU and you were so hungry! Those two are two of my best memories. Thank you for the gift you gave me.

May be we will walk again tonight - together - may be even will give a hug like the other night. I felt your touch when I woke up!

I miss you so much... miss all of you. Don't leave me; stay with me in my dreams. I need that Mummy.

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
April 15, 2019
April 15, 2019
Dear Mummy

You wrote me once "tum humsai bhi apne dil kee baat nehi karogi tow kaisai chalaiga?" I wish you were somewhere where I could call you now and tell you all that troubles me. Wish I could get your advise. If you had been well all those years instead of all that happened, we would have talked more 'about me'. There was just no time in last so many years - almost one-third of your life when I could not worry about you. I worried so much. You asked with annoyance "Humai bandh kai rakh legi kya?" and I replied "haan, rakh loongi.". Per kehan rakh paayee. Haath chuda ker chali gayee. Papa nai to kuch keha bhi nehi - chupchaap akailai chalai gayai. Tum aayee thi kiya papa ko lainai? 

I need you so much; have so much to tell you; so much to talk to you about; so many places to go with you. Your illness took so much out of all our lives; and then Papa's took whatever was left. All that time lost! and it cannot be made up for. Come back, Mummy. I miss you all so much - as much as you thought I would. Somehow I never thought about a life without you. I couldn't picture it. You knew it would be very hard for me, didn't you? It is.

Come back, even if just in my dreams...

Love you
Your daughter
March 14, 2019
March 14, 2019
Dear Mummy

I read this some times as this was your last email. You only wrote 4 between
Friday, April 27, 2012 4:42:40 PM and May 3, 2012 11:50:34AM. But I have your letters. I wish...

Love you and Miss you always...
Your daughter
==============================================================
From: "Saroj Bansal"
To: "Sandhia McLeod"
Sent: Thursday, May 3, 2012 11:50:34 AM
Subject: RE: For Mummy
I will not give up
love
mummy
Date: Thu, 3 May 2012 10:19:41 +0000
From: sandhia@comcast.net
To: saroj37@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: For Mummy
We all need to be strong some time. Some people can be and some just give up.
March 3, 2019
March 3, 2019
Dear Mummy

I had a very bad dream yesterday - a night before. Seemed like Papa had to go to doctors' by himself. First they said it would be hour and a half before they could see him. Then when I called you to tell you, you told me that doctors told him he had to wait for four hours! You sounded very sad. I asked you if you had eaten - we were worried about how Papa was going to eat and make it through the day. You started crying. Then I woke up.

Mummy, are you two okay where you are? I don't like to see you cry. I haven't seen you cry much - you were such a strong person. I am so sad since this dream. Will you come for me today in my dream? Come and give me a hug like the one you gave me last time. I woke up with a feeling that you touched me and I felt your hug. I need that now again.

What to do without you all? Show me a way that I can live the rest of my life doing that is important to you. It is hard without you. 

Wish I could call you again. Wish I picked up the phone and you were at the other end. Wish I could hear you singing 'Happy... happy...' once again.

Love you so much.
And miss you even more.
Your daughter
March 1, 2019
March 1, 2019
Dear Mummy

"Like a butterfly in Flight,
     You drifted off to Paradise."

Miss you more every day. Will I see you again? Why does it still seem impossible that you will never walk with me again in life? I did not imagine that I would miss you this much Mummy. Now that Papa has also left me, I think about all four of you almost all the time. You are always on my mind. 

Wish you could come back and we could go to Disney again and take the "It's a small...small... World". Come and walk with me in my dream. It's been a long time and I miss our walks so much. Often when I am coming home, I drive by that path we walked the last time on October 7th 2012 and I always look at that spot you stepped down from to come down to the street from sidewalk and I thought you were a little unbalanced and it worried me. You never let us know the extent to which you were ill and didn't feel well. Now I understand it. That was the last time we walked in Maryland. After that life changed in just four months. When I left you at the end of 2012 after your 54th anniversary, I wasn't to know that next time I see you, both of your lives would have been altered so much for the worse. You lost so much after working so hard to give us a good life and then after Papa's stroke, all was lost for you. Mummy had I known that I would lose you so soon, I would have spent more time with you. Now I have time but you are no longer here. Chris used to tell me to go visit you every other month but I worried about taking time off and money. Wish I listened to him. 

I read your old letters and feel such sadness in them now that I don't think I recognized then. I will take them with me as well as Babaji Ammaji's letters. They will forever be with me.
 
Did I tell you I miss you very much?

Love you so very much.
Your daughter
February 14, 2019
February 14, 2019
Dear Mummy

When I think of sitting with you on that bench for the last time in the evening on September 7th, I can really go back in time and sit there and feel your presence. It is very comforting to me. I hope you are somewhere happy and are looking down at me.

Today, 6 years ago, at this time Papa was free for the last time - to move about - to do whatever he wanted to do. The last night he would sleep well and wake up ready for the day. This is the last night before the beginning of a nightmare that would affect all our lives - but most of all - his and yours. You too lost everything when he lost the life he knew. I know how much it hurt you to even lose the room you were familiar with for so many years and to lose the protection you had with him being well enough to take care of you. I only try to imagine but probably cannot comprehend fully the extent of your loss. But you never complained and became so quiet. I think it is because you became even more scared of living and gave up. 

Mummy, how I wish I had been around more for you - took you out a bit more and listened to you more. Wish I had some more time with you. I miss you all so very much!

I used to send you flowers for Valentine's day. Where can I send those now? Do you know and can you see how much I am thinking of you?

Happy Valentine's day to all of you who made up my World...

Love you
Your daughter
January 28, 2019
January 28, 2019
Dear Mummy

I went to Shoppers on Saturday and remembered that day long ago when I happened to stop by that store and found you and Papa near the veggies. Not sure why I was there at that time of day and more than that not sure why you were there so far away from home. I haven't been there probably since that day.

So I thought of that day and almost expected to see you two there. But I couldn't find you there. Miss those days! Still I don't know how it is possible that you all are gone.

I wrote a letter to Dr. Perry today letting her know about Papa. Also sending her a copy of your calendar. I will probably never see her again. But will always remember her because she brought smile to your face. I remember how she enveloped you when she gave you a hug - you being so small and she being big! It was nice to see that. Did you know that she came to your tehravi? She had tears in her eyes as she sat there and remembered you. I will never forget that.

Because of you and Papa I met so many wonderful people. That was another gift you left for me.

Missing you as always.
your daughter
January 18, 2019
January 18, 2019
Dear Mummy

It's been 1959 days today since we last talked!

Miss you every day.
With Love,
Your daughter
January 12, 2019
January 12, 2019
Dear Mummy

Today Chris reminded me of a day long ago - even before we were married and you and Papa were there in Greenbelt house. Papa and I had gone out for something. You were alone in the house. You apparently called Chris at work (he was surprised that you had his number). He remembered the whole thing so well. He said that you told him "I don't feel well. You come here" :-) (It does sound like something you would say). He came over and you talked for a minute at the door and then sat down on sofa. He said he had his arm around you and you put your head on his shoulder and cried. He asked you if you wanted him to call an ambulance but you said no and that you were feeling better. 

He was a little emotional as he was telling me the story. I had forgotten it. I reminded him of the last time he and I came to Madison - August 31st, 2013. When he came in the room, you sat up and he sat down next to you with his arm around you. I remember how you cried on his shoulder that day. Somehow you felt close to him and it gives me some relief. You rarely ever cried - I don't think I remember you crying except of that one time when I called you at night at home (Papa was in hospital). I was upset about you not taking your diabetes medication correctly. Gauri yelled at you and you cried on the phone. My heart breaks when I think of it. Why didn't I get on the next flight and come over? I don't have the answers to my own questions now Mummy. Just feel like I wasted so much time that I could have spent with you - talking and mostly listening. I loved you so much; and always will. But I have so many regrets. I should not have left you there in Madison because I knew of all the issues. I was selfish - there is no other answer to this and I will always regret this.

Missing you so much today.

Love you always...
Your daughter
January 1, 2019
January 1, 2019
Happy New Year, Mummy - wherever you are...

I called to wish you this last time on January 1st 2013. We had just spent your anniversary together in Madison. Who knew everything will change so drastically and suddenly in a month and 14 days. You lost everything with Papa's stroke - didn't you? The little sense of security; the privacy; your room - everything. Wish I was there more for you... I miss you so very much.

Love you
Your daughter
December 29, 2018
December 29, 2018
Dear Mummy

I feel very alone today. Even Papa has gone away now... I miss you two very much. Are you two together and happy? Come and tell me sometime...

I finished sorting Babaji Ammaji's letters - remember, how we used to cry as we read them? There must be a thousand letters! I am going to try to make a book just to preserve them. But I noticed that after 1980, there are not many at all - may be just a very few. I wonder what happened to them. I know Ammaji must have written lots more. But I will never find them now. Wish I looked for them when you were still around...

I wish we could go for a walk one more time. One more vacation... One more...

Miss you so very much.
Love you
Your daughter
December 26, 2018
December 26, 2018
Dear Mummy Papa

I thought of you all day yesterday. Wished I could call and wish you 60th Wedding Anniversary... I am happy that I was there with you at the last one you celebrated together - December 2012. We made pizza at home, remember? 

Nothing is the same without you. Wish I started making annual calendars before you were gone Mummy. I think you would have liked these. And Papa, I don't know how to send you the new calendar. You didn't leave a forwarding address. Hope you can see it from wherever you are. I remember you wrote to me last time in December 2017 that you liked the new calendar with its new photos. I thought of that often when I made the one for 2019. You never got to use the one for 2018. The year has gone by so quickly. I am sick this year at Christmas just as I was at last and I wondered at this coincidence whether you were back at Belmont again!

I didn't send off a balloon as I had promised - could not go out last couple of days. And I didn't make samosas as I was planning to. As soon as I am better, I will do both. I am sure you can see me and know that I thought of you every minute yesterday and missed you so very much.

Well, happy 60th Wedding Anniversary and Merry Christmas.
Love and miss you.
Your daughter
December 14, 2018
December 14, 2018
Dear Mummy

I had a dream last night. You, Papa and I were somewhere in a huge house and we were celebrating something like holi in the middle court yard. For some reason we were thinking it was nice that others couldn't see us there.

You looked happy.

I miss your smile and you telling me not to brood. How did you keep or at least keep looking happy enough until it became just impossible? Where did that strength come from and why didn't you pass some of it on to me? You will just have to stay with me until I can be with you again.

Love you
Your daughter
December 7, 2018
December 7, 2018
Dear Mummy

You used to ask me to write you a letter - so I thought I write you one today.

I was just thinking that I am so happy that you knew until the end - especially at the end - that I loved you very much. Only I hope that it was enough - enough for you to be at peace at that time. I hope my love was enough to make up for what you felt you did not have. 

It had been a long journey - a very long one! 25 years is a very long time out of 75 years - one-third of your life - you spent with one thing after the other. I often wonder how our lives would have been - as a family - if you hadn't had cancer and didn't go through so many medical issues. May be we would have had more normal lives because you would have been strong - physically. I know you were always - until the very end - emotionally very strong. Surprisingly so was Papa. I am very proud of him, you know, now especially when I look back that he was able to and wanted to do so much even under such awful conditions. But I am sorry to say that I have not inherited the 'strong' gene from you two or from Babaji Ammaji. I am not strong. I see you sometimes in my dream - probably because you know that I am not strong and that I need you so very much.

Mummy show me the way so I can live my life missing you; loving you; but being thankful for what I still have. You were able to do this. Don't leave me now because your hand is still on me - I feel it - and it does give me strength.

Something I read, I would have wanted to say to you. Hope you will know it somehow now -- "When I am very quiet, I can hear you whisper; when it is very dark, I can see your light; When I am kind, I can feel your love.".

I try to remember this when I am being unkind - I always want to feel your love. How could I live without it? All four of you have given me so much - it is enough for more than one lifetime and I am very grateful for it.

I love you very much.
Your daughter
November 27, 2018
November 27, 2018
Dear Mummy

First one without all four of you.

Please give me strength to get through the day and live rest of my life in a way that you would approve. Give me the wisdom to cherish your memories and at the same time cherish what I still have.

You left me in Chris's hands and he looks out for me more than can ever be expected and loves me the way I don't deserve. You were so strong; so very strong. I need you to help me gain some of that so that I can live on making myself deserving of him and at the same time keeping you in my heart and memory.

Missed your call this morning.

Missing you very much today.
Your's Gudiya
November 21, 2018
November 21, 2018
Dear Mummy

Missed you much on the cruise. It was September 2012 when we cruised to Bahamas for your birthday. I have few pictures of you and me sitting on a tram and you were talking to someone sitting next to you, smiling. How would I have known then that it would be your last birthday with us?

While sitting in the balcony, I thought of how it would have been if you, Papa, Babaji and Ammaji were there also... how you would sit and say...

Wish I could have those days back again... When I think of you, which is often, you are there just as you ever were. I can see your face as clearly as back then. Mummy, wish I could talk to you now like you used to wish we did then. I need you; need your wisdom and your strength...

I tried to do something for Diwali this time. Its been ages since we celebrated it - it was before you two moved to Wisconsin. Just wanted to carry on the traditions and felt like it would make me feel closer to you - closer to my roots.

Hugs.
Love you
Your daughter
October 20, 2018
October 20, 2018
Oh Mummy -- I miss you so much...

Though I can go and sit with you and feel you whenever I want - just as if it was yesterday. I am grateful for that.

3-4 nights ago when I was feeling very distressed, both you and Papa came in my dream. I feel always close to you and that is a blessing. Yesterday was Dasshara and I thought of all of you often. I remembered that Ammaji and I used to make rangoli on the wall and it was such fun! Papa was all alone last few years on this day. But this year you were all together and that brings me some peace.

Love you and miss you
Your daughter
October 15, 2018
October 15, 2018
Dear Mummy

When I pressed Chris today what he would have done if he was in my shoe, he said that I should have tried to keep you with me or at least helped you get out in your own place. Mummy, I was selfish and did not take care of you. I will have to live with that. I loved you so very much and my heart ached for you all the time but I just couldn't and didn't do the right thing.

Tell me that you still love me and know how much regret I have but now I can't make it better and may be this is my punishment.

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
October 7, 2018
October 7, 2018
Dear Mummy

Last night I watched a DVD of your Cruise of December 2010 to the Caribbeans. I wish I could give you a hug... you badly needed it then and I badly need it now. There was a song in it from Mera Saya - 'Kabhi mujk ko yaad ker kai jo bahaingai terai aansoo... Tou wahi pai rok laingai unhai aa kai merai aansoo..... Kabhi mein bichud bhi jaaoon tou bhi mera gum no kerna... Mera pyaar yaad ker kai kabhi aankh num na kerna.....' I felt like you were saying this to me. I know how much you were worried about how I would live without you. I miss you so much, Mummy. I just wish I gave you more hugs and talked less and listened more.

Yesterday I did your 'Shradh' and celebrated Papa's birthday on the same day. I hope you are at peace.
Love you
Your daughter
October 6, 2018
October 6, 2018
Dear Mummy

You have Papa with you today on his day. We used to have dahi with cheeni in the good old days and I remember it now very fondly and can almost taste it. We may not have had much in terms of 'things' but we had lots and lots of love. 

I feel very lucky that I had the best. 

Will be seeing you some day.

Love and miss you
Your daughter
September 25, 2018
September 25, 2018
Dear Mummy

Missed your call today. Missed a card from you both. Last card you sent me was in 2012 that both of you signed! It is still sitting where I can see it ever day. I told Chris earlier that 13 years ago today both our parents were around and other than Babaji and Ammaji not being with us, life was pretty complete. Babaji Ammaji would have been so happy to have been here that day. I wonder often now why Ammaji never came to be with us - what prevented her coming. From her letters it sounds like she was very willing to come. I often wonder about things like these. I miss you all so very much.

No one remembers our day anymore. You would have called and said "Go out to dinner or lunch today". No one cares anymore. Miss your voice but I can still here it on audio - still not the same as 'real' thing.

Did you know I would miss you so much? You knew I would but did you know that I would miss you this much?

I did get a present from you and Papa today!! I know you are somewhere watching out for me. Got new Endowment portfolio and your pictures that Joann found from your volunteer time at St. Mary's. Dina sent those to me and I happened to have got them today. You have a BIG smile on your face and Papa is looking happy to be there at the gift shop to start the day. What a present! Thank you both.

Love you Mummy - wherever you are.

Your daughter
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April 4
April 4
Dear Mummy

I had a bad dream about you last night. I saw you a night before too but you were okay in that. Last night, or was it this morning just before waking up (?), I saw you were lying down. I came from somewhere and you told me that you were bleeding and you looked very sad.

And it made me very sad.

Perhaps it was because we have been talking about the cruise you and Papa took, probably in 2012, when you were so unwell. Chris was telling me how he sat down with you two and tried to talk you out of going on the cruise. But he said that Papa kept saying that he had already paid for the cruise. Chris even told you two that he would take time off from work and that we could all vacation locally but he said that Papa was adamant about going. Chris said that he tried to get you to change your mind until the bags were handed over to the ship. He said that you didn't say anything and just smiled but Papa would not listen. That was the cruise when you became very ill on the ship and they tried to dump you to at St. Thomas. Chris was totally opposed to that. It was thanksgiving holiday and airports would be full, you were very ill and what hospitals in St. Thomas - well, who knows what they are like. What could be more comfortable than lying in your own bed in the ship. You had everything you needed. That was a very traumatic day for us. I called everywhere - the ship, your cardiologist who, being a total idiot, had given the ship permission to drop you off. Finally when I talked to her, she called the ship and we were able to get them to let you stay on the ship. 

You would not have arrived back alive if they dropped you off.

We were talking about it few days ago but also recently because there was exact same incident of a Norwegian ship dropping off an 80 year old lady who had stroke/heart issue at an island without any id or money. The local hospital at this African island had no clue about her. Lucky for her, there were some other passengers who were left behind because they were late returning to the ship. They managed to pay her bills, arranged for food and contacted the family and because of their kindness she was able to get back home in California.

This brought back all those terrible memories of that day when we would have lost you - and who knows in what condition. 

Perhaps that's why I had that dream.

I hope you are happy wherever you are and are surrounded by beautiful things and everyone who loves you.

I miss you very much.
You are all gone and I am still here.
I hope to be gone before Chris...


Love you
Thinking of you...
Your daughter
March 24
March 24
Happy Holi, Mummy....

I hope all is colorful and happy today wherever you are...
I am missing all of you... missing the food.. The smells of the day are still with me.

Always in my heart.
Your daughter
March 19
March 19
Dear Mummy

I had a beautiful dream last night full of lots of jugnu and them turning into butterflies somehow. We were in the Thapar Nagar house, the one in Gali#6. Babaji was there too. And so I am sure that Ammaji and Papa were also. I didn't really see any faces but had a feeling that you were there. Babaji was worrying about me as usual "aisai mein kaisai jayaigee...", he was saying. It was beautiful. As I walked up, the jugnu were coming up and I don't know how but they transformed into butterflies and were fluttering about!

It was beautiful!

I went to sleep last night wishing very hard that I would see you all just one more time... and there you were...

Not that I need any proofs anymore but it still feels so wonderful to be reminded once again that you are all with me and still your love follows me wherever I go. It is also a reminder for me to always follow your path and try to do as much good as I can. I feel like even if I can help just one person, it will repay, even if just in a small way, for the kindness of so many who helped all four of you. I am lucky (or perhaps you have sent this opportunity my way) that I can do just that. This couple has a very difficult time but they are always smiling and always so happy to see me! I am so happy to have them in my life and so happy for Chris's support in this.

Oh, it was a lovely dream. I just wish that I saw your faces but perhaps your souls are at peace now and you can only be there as a feeling... a deep feeling... That night when you came to me when I was very sad, I can still hear your voice as you called my name... 

Thank you for being there for me... and for still showing me the way...

With all my love
Your daughter
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Mummy and me -- A warm sunny day under the beautiful blue sky and the vast ocean

May 12
We were on way to Cape Hatteras and stopped at a beach.
How long ago was this?  And was it real?
This Mother's day, 11th without her, I wish we could share just one more day like this.  What wouldn't I give to have just one more day... 

She was healthy and happy and our lives were simple.

Was it real, I wonder...

Wish you could enjoy this view with me

April 28
Dear Mummy

As I stare out my window, I wish you were here.  Whenever I see something I love or am happy about something, I can almost see the smile on your face and the wonder in Ammaji's voice!  It is a beautiful sunny day after several days of rain and clouds.  The green is back and everything looks so lush.  Chris doesn't like to walk and I miss walking with you two.  How you would have enjoyed this.  Only, driveway is a bit steep and that would have been difficult to manage, I suppose.  Sometimes I find myself worrying about it but then I remember that you are not even here - at least not physically.  You are always with me in my heart.  

On a day like this we would have gone for multiple walks, I am sure.  This reminds me of that nice man who stopped by when after Papa's stroke you were not able to go for a walk and he was a neighbor who noticed your absence.  He stopped by to give you a book about finding peace.  I don't know who he was but he will always remain in my memory.

Every now and then I come to an article written by someone who misses his or her parents/grandparents even though multiple years have passed. I am sorry for their loss but it provides sort of a comfort to me knowing that there are those who have been as fortunate as me to still feel a hole in their heart and that the passage of time has failed to dull their memory.  I have had too much and so while I feel sad at all my losses, I remind myself that I have lost so much because I had so much to lose.  There are many who are not so lucky.  

I move forward because that is just the reality but I always keep you all close - close in my heart.  I dreamt of Babaji on the 21st.  He was biking up on some hilly zig-zagging mountains to take care of a baby and I was worried about him.  It was so good to see him.  Last I dreamt of him was on April 1st, 2022!  And prior to that I can't remember - a very long time ago!

It was 44th year of missing Babaji on the 26th.  I listened to two tapes that Papa brought back from his visit when he was ill and had moved to Dehradun with Chachaji.  It is painful to hear the tears in his voice - we gave him only tears in return for all the love he gave us.  But it is also comforting to hear his voice when he has been cajoled/distracted by Chachaji and family.  It is so good to hear everyone's voices. I listen to these tapes every so often.  They keep me grounded and serve as a reminder of where I came from.  I have failed all of you.  The only thing I have managed to do right and am proud of is that I am still the same "Gudya" that all of you knew.  The "Home" I once knew with all of you no longer exist except in my memory... but at least I have the memory of those days... not many remember.

I will always remember.
And I will always love you.

Last letter from Babaji to me dated March 4, 1980

September 3, 2023
After this he could no longer write...

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