ForeverMissed
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Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in memory of my dear Mummy, Saroj Bansal. She was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure. She will live on in our Hearts forever.

Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.

She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters). Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke. My Mom was only 18. She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she passed away. So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age. She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage. We lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.

We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977. My father worked as an Accountant for the Embassy of India. Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here. Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life that we have. She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993. Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs. The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.

She was last hospitalized in June of 2013 for complications related to her Heart. She spent 12 days in ICU before being sent home with Milrinone to be administered via a Portable IV to keep her heart pumping. It made her heart work so well and she felt good and healthy in a very long time. For the first time in years, she smiled and asked for food and sang! She wrote a long message for the ICU nurses and insisted we go to UW and deliver it. Those few days were the best in ages! She was so proud of the fact that she walked out of hospital on her own two feet rather than in a wheelchair. For me these were a gift. It was such a happy thing to have her ask for more food that the Hospital Staff thought they were allowed to give!

She was very independent minded and did not accept help easily or happily.

But this reprieve was not to last very long. She came home on July 2nd and the medicine slowly stopped working as well within 2-3 weeks.

She knew it was time and she made a call to someone she trusted – to make sure I didn’t fall apart without her. Chris told me later - 'You thought you were taking care of her; she was looking out for you!'

On September 7th she said she wanted to go for a drive with me, came home and later during the morning hours between 4:30 and 5:00am on September 8th, slipped away just when we turned the lights off to let her sleep. My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet; her son and daughter-in-law close. This is the way she wanted to go, with her family around and in her own bed.

She was a very strong and smart lady. Even her close friends did not know how ill she was until the end. She never talked about it. Whenever I or anyone else talked on phone with her, she always sounded cheerful and well. She was very determined. The only thing that terrified her was the thought that she may end up in a Nursing Home. Even when she was getting Chemo, she would go to her craft class next day and they only realized her problem when they saw the loss of hair. She loved to knit and sew. She used to make all my clothes when I was a child; embroidered her saris and shawls. I remember watching her do that in fascination. She continued that almost until the end. She used to do quilting for the Senior Center. She was very active - never wanting to sit in one place, always on a move. Cooking was her passion. She was a wonderful cook and loved to make all kinds of dishes.

She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son Ashish, and two of his daughters, Priya and Pramita; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla.

November 27, 2017
November 27, 2017
Dear Mummy

It is our day and I miss your voice calling me or just waking me up to wish me the day... I miss you so much. Come and hug me in my dream tonight. Some day I will see you... 

Love you always and miss you until then.
Your daughter
November 27, 2017
November 27, 2017
Dear Mummy

It is our day and I miss your voice calling me or just waking me up to wish me the day... I miss you so much. Come and hug me in my dream tonight. Some day I will see you... 

Love you always and miss you until then.
Your daughter
November 7, 2017
November 7, 2017
Dear Mummy

Four years and 5 months today since we sat together. I didn't think I could live one day without you! And without Babaji and Ammaji...

Still I can see all your faces as fresh as yesterday and that is a blessing. I can still feel the touch of your hands... your feet... Chris says he can feel his Mom's. Today is Mom's birthday... Hope you are all together somewhere. I want not to be sad because you won't want me to be. You were not a brooding kind... But I miss you so very much - more than I can say. But I know that you know - just like Babaji knew my heart.

I love you.
Your daughter
September 29, 2017
September 29, 2017
Dear Mummy

I miss the fuss you used to make - even though I used to be annoyed then... -- You know what I mean. Miss you so much. Every morning I think of that last day we sat together and I can feel you so close... so close... 

Love you
Your daughter.
September 14, 2017
September 14, 2017
Dear Mummy

You are 80 today! Five years ago we were at Bahamas for your 75... That was a difficult cruise for you, wasn't it? I am glad that I was there for your last birthday before...

Missing you more today than ever. Love Always.
Sandhia
September 8, 2017
September 8, 2017
Dear Mummy

Forever in our Hearts... Missing you always...
Four years and 50 minutes...

Love you
Your daughter
September 8, 2017
September 8, 2017
Thinking of you and treasuring your love and warmth today and always!

With much love,
Krishna and Radha Sijapati
September 7, 2017
September 7, 2017
Dear Mummy

Four years! And yet I can feel you sitting next to me whenever I think of you. I feel your presence and so I know you are with me. Wish we had few more years together; wish I could have taken away your troubles; wish you and I went on vacation together...

May be in another lifetime...

Missing you so much.
Love, your daughter.
September 6, 2017
September 6, 2017
Dear Mummy

It was the Friday today...

You always worried how I would go on without you. You were looking out for me when I thought I was doing that for you.

You gave me one of the best gift even in your darkest hour. I will treasure it always...

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
August 15, 2017
August 15, 2017
Dear Mummy

You looked so well in my dream last night. You were happy and were talking with friends - Laura and someone else - I don't remember who. You also touched my mala, the one with your fingerprint and put it in the pocket of a suitcase. So, I feel like now I have your real print on it. I am so happy for the dream and hope you are somewhere looking over me.

Love you and miss you
Your daughter
August 8, 2017
August 8, 2017
Dear Mummy

I miss you every day and you are in my thoughts almost every minute. You will live on as long as I live - never forgotten and always missed.

Love you
Your daughter
July 7, 2017
July 7, 2017
Dear Mummy

3 Years and 10 months since you took a ride with me...

Remembering you always...
Your daughter
June 12, 2017
June 12, 2017
Dear Mummy

Yesterday morning (June 11, 2017) I saw you in my dream. I went to bed that night imploring you, Babaji and Ammaji to help me. I didn't see them but you were there, a little thinner. You were going to say something and I just reached out and gave you a hug. I thought you started to cry a little. But I actually felt you in my arms; could feel your touch! It was very real. I know now that you are close in spirit and may be a little sad at how I have been feeling. I know what you would say to me but I cannot help it. I miss you so much.

I will always remember this hug!
Love you and miss you every day.
Your daughter
June 9, 2017
June 9, 2017
Dear Mummy

I can still go back to the last day when we sat on the bench together and in my mind feel your presence. I can still feel the touch of your hand; your feet when I think of you. I miss talking to you. I wish I talked to you more about my life because you wanted/needed to hear it but I was too single-minded about getting you better that I made you miserable. I was thinking the other day about the last time I left you in July - that night and in my mind I gave you a big hug, but you weren't quite there for me to touch and that's what I needed with my whole being. Miss feeling the safety of home now that you are not here for me to see. But I know you are with me in spirit always. 

I miss you every day.
Love you
Your daughter
May 14, 2017
May 14, 2017
My Dear Mummy

Yet another Mother's Day and no way to call you. But may be I don't have to because now you are always with me. 

Still I miss you; miss taking walks with you; miss your cooking; and most of all miss your voice.

Love you and miss you
Your daughter
May 13, 2017
May 13, 2017
Dear Mummy

"Now I know why you always told me to be strong...
Because you knew...
You knew that one day
I would need the strength
to bear your loss".

Did you think I could? Come back just once Mummy and help Papa. Help me help Papa, help me to learn how to manage the stress of watching papa become weaker every day and watch him deal with blow after blow that just keeps coming. When you were here, even though so fragile, you were someone I could lean on; you gave me strength. You were my Home. Come in my dream and give me strength, tell me how, what to do. He is suffering so much; help him or just take him to you so that his suffering could end. 

You always were the strong one. You knew how to accept things the way they were. Teach me how... I am so lost. Do you, Babaji and Ammaji think that I am doing all I can or have I let you down? 

Show me the way...

Love you and miss you so much
Your daughter
April 26, 2017
April 26, 2017
Dear Mummy

Today is Babaji's Day... But you already know that. I hope that somewhere you, Babaji and Ammaji are together and that I will see you all again. Babaji has been gone for 37 years now but he is in my memory as fresh as ever. When I look back at my life, I am very thankful that I had the three of you in my life.

I miss you so very much. Wish you would call me just one more time... Mother's Day is coming soon. Who would I call? I miss your voice and your smile. Looking at old photos, you always had a wonderful happy smile on your face and that is how I want to remember you. I know that is how you want me to remember you too. But I miss you... Have I already said that?

Love you forever.
Your daughter
March 8, 2017
March 8, 2017
Dear Mummy

I can still feel you, the feeling of safety, home, the touch of your hand, the way your feet felt when on those rare occasions you let me massage them... I can feel all this whenever I want. I can see your face and smile when you were happy... Same as with Babaji and Ammaji. 

I am lucky to have had all of you and I want so much to just think of it and be happy - the way I know you would want me to be. I am but I just miss those times so much and wish I took more time to spend with you.
I thought we had more time...

Miss you so much - on this day and always
Your daughter
February 23, 2017
February 23, 2017
Dear Mummy

I wish I had your strength... strength to always smile and breeze through difficult times with great dignity. Help me... help me to be able to live my life the way you did - you know what I mean, don't you? 

I miss you so very much.
Love you, your daughter.
January 8, 2017
January 8, 2017
Dear Mummy

I am watching 'I Love Lucy' - a coincidence that I should find this program just before I was going to write to you. You used to love watching it; and 'Wheel of Fortune'. That was your favorite. 

Today was the day, 3 years and 4 months ago, when you went away - well, just in body. You will always be in my heart. Sometimes I just like call out 'Mummy' just to remind me of how this most beautiful word sound. 

You used to sit where I am sitting now and I wonder what you used to think about. Coming home on Friday, I was thinking of the days when you used to be here. It was nice to have you two at home when I opened the door; though we argued a lot, didn't we? But you knew how much I loved you and that means everything to me. 

'Dil dhoondta hai phir wohi phursat kai raat din... Jaadon ki garam dhoop mein aangan mein beth ker...' - Now I know the true feeling behind this song. Miss those days... Miss you. 

I saw you in my dream last night. I was going to take a path dotted by something like bread crumbs to go for a walk and you kept calling me, I think to have lunch :-) Come take a walk with me...

Love you
Your daughter
January 3, 2017
January 3, 2017
Dear Mummy

Waited for that call that won't be coming. 'Happy New Year'! - you used to call and say. I wish I could dream of you - and Babaji, Ammaji more... This is my wish for the New Year.

Hope you all are looking down on me from wherever you are.
Love and Miss you
Your daughter.
December 25, 2016
December 25, 2016
Dear Mummy

Missed your call today. I was hoping to see you in my dream today. 
Papa and i miss you very much always, but specially today on your Anniversary.

We would have gone out to lunch today somewhere to celebrate your day.

Wishing you a Happy Anniversary and Merry Christmas , wherever you are.

Love you and Miss you
Papa and your daughter
December 7, 2016
December 7, 2016
3 years and 3 months since we talked! And it all seems like yesterday...

Missing you
Your daughter.
December 5, 2016
December 5, 2016
Dear Mummy

Tumne keha tha 'baandh kai thodi rakh legi!'. Mein kehti thi 'Rukh loongi'. Per kehan rukh paayee? Chali gayi haath chuda ker...

Send me another sign.. I need it...

Love you and missing you
Your daughter
November 27, 2016
November 27, 2016
Dear Mummy

I miss you every day, but specially today...
Wish you were here...

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
November 12, 2016
November 12, 2016
Dear Mummy

Will you walk with me on my birthday? I miss those; and I miss you.

Love you.
Your daughter
November 7, 2016
November 7, 2016
Dear Mummy

You said to look out for Papa. I need your help as I do not know how to help him. I saw you yesterday in my dream that you had a stroke but you were still running around as best as you could cooking and taking care of Papa. I need some of your strength. I need to know how you held on to your dignity until the very end.

We are in such chaos now that I am glad you are not here. It would have been too much for you. At the same time, I wish you were here for I could lean on you even in your frail condition.

Missing you.
Your daughter
October 16, 2016
October 16, 2016
Mummy -- How to do this without you? I don't have the strength. Help me... You were so calm and collected and were able to keep your dignity. Teach me how. I am lost without you and don't know how to do all I have to do.

Miss you so much.
Your daughter
September 25, 2016
September 25, 2016
Dear Mummy

Wish you were here... 11 years ago, we were together at the Savage Mansion, happy and enjoying good food. First and last time you and I had our hair done together :-)

Love you and miss you on our day
Your daughter
September 24, 2016
September 24, 2016
I saw you in my dream today - just for a moment. You were sitting in a very high window in a house and I wondered how you weren't afraid to be looking down, because I was afraid. 

Tim says that you are with me; that I should believe you visited the bench on your birthday when papa, Jill and Laura were there, through that butterfly that hung around. He said that he met you when you and papa went to talk with him about the class. I did not know that he had met you. Somehow it is important. He cares a lot about papa - may be he gets inspiration through you. I want to believe in all this; a part of me does; a part wonders...

But that is okay. I know you are always with me. Just like Babaji and Ammaji. After all these years when I look at their picture sitting in front of his rook on a nice sunny day, I can smell the day. I can feel the touch of your hands. Chris says that he can feel the touch of Mom's hands when he thinks about it. So, I feel not so alone in all this.

Still I miss you. Tomorrow is the Anniversary of that Big day for me. You used to cry and worry so much that I would be all alone when you are gone. At the time, the thought of you being gone was so absurd. I hope it gives you and Babaji Ammaji peace to see that I am with Chris, he being the best in the World! You know I am well loved and taken care of. 

I wish we could hug once again. I wish I gave you more hugs and spent more time with you. But you were supposed to be here forever. Even on that last evening on September 7th as we sat together, I meant it when I said that we would take that walk when you are better. Somehow my Heart never knew you would be gone until you were. But you will never be gone really - until I am.

Love you and miss you - especially today.
Your daughter
September 14, 2016
September 14, 2016
Wishing you a Happy 79th Birthday, wherever you may be. I wish I could call you; wish I could send you flowers; may be you can hear my heart calling for you... I can still hear your voice at the other end of the phone when I used to call. All those 11 years you were in Wisconsin, I never came for your birthday. Wish I had. Wish I was there for you more. Wish...

Love you and miss you
Your daughter
September 14, 2016
September 14, 2016
You are cherished on your birthday and always for who you were and for your unconditional love, compassion, and kindness you left behind.
September 14, 2016
September 14, 2016
Dear Mummy

Papa went to the bench at the park to send off balloons for you on your 79th birthday. Jill and Laura were there too. 

Jill says "It was a wonderful way to celebrate Saroj’s memory! And as soon as we showed up at the bench a beautiful Monarch butterfly came. It flew around us the entire time. I am pretty certain it was your mom."

I believe you came; Tim tells me that it must be you. I am happy...

Love you
Your daughter
September 8, 2016
September 8, 2016
Dear Mummy

Three years without you! How is it even possible? But then you are with me every second of the day - in my heart. I want to remember your smile and happy voice and to forget your pain. I know that is how you would want to be remembered. I try... But I miss you so very much. Wish I could give you a hug one more time. I hope to always be able to feel the warmth of your hand and touch of your feet - the way I do today.

You will always be in our hearts.
Love you and miss you.
Your daughter.
August 18, 2016
August 18, 2016
Dear Mummy

I was just thinking of those mornings when you weren't feeling strong enough to take the regular longer walk. You would go on a short walk and Papa and I would go in the opposite direction for the longer one. I regret now why we didn't walk with you first and then went on for more after dropping you back home. I used to turn around and look back at you then and think 'one day she will disappear' - but my heart never believed or imagined a World without you in it. Not until you were gone. Always live in my heart...

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter.
August 9, 2016
August 9, 2016
Dear Mummy

Wherever you were, there was home. Somehow I can still feel a kind of security wall around me whenever I think of you... I saw you in my dreams twice yesterday - very short dream - but you were there, once walking to a train station with me in a dark snowy night and in a hotel in second one. May be you are still watching out for me.

Miss you so very much
Your daughter
August 7, 2016
August 7, 2016
Dear Mummy

2 Years and 11 months today since you and I sat together... I remember your touch and your sound of voice just like yesterday. I feel like you are so close, so close... I saw you in my dream yesterday. We were on a trip somewhere. I need you to come and walk with me again. I miss you so much. Miss the kheer... Sel... your smile and just plain arguing with you...

Love you
Your daughter
July 29, 2016
July 29, 2016
You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and Mummy
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
June 3, 2016
June 3, 2016
Dear Mummy

1000 Days since you and I sat together! How can it be? At the time, it never occurred to me that you would be with me for only 12 more hours! I don't know why but it didn't seem possible to be in a World without you. But I am not without you, am I? I know you, just like Babaji and Ammaji are always in my heart and I know you are always somewhere close to me. 

Still I wish so much that I could hear your voice just one more time!
I miss you so very much. I know you wanted me to be happy and I try. When I think of us, you always seem like you were here just yesterday. Even when I look at babaji, ammaji's pictures, I can smell the smell of the day. 

I saw you in my dream two days ago. You were driving to go to your programming job :-) It is good to see you healthy and happy - even if in my dreams.

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter.
May 8, 2016
May 8, 2016
Happy Mother's Day Mummy!

I missed your voice today; I missed not being able to call you and say "Happy Mother's Day". You would say in your smiling voice "Thank you! You and Chris, go and have a nice lunch somewhere today". I missed you today; just like every day.

Happy Mother's Day to you; to Ammaji; and to Naniji. I hope you are with them and are happy.

I wish you would come in my dream again and take a walk with me. I miss walking with you; regret not spending more time with you; regret talking more than listening to you. you always wanted to talk but had become so quiet in those last few months. I am sorry Mummy that I didn't listen; didn't hug you more.

I love you Mummy. Come again in my dream. 

Love you and Miss you.
Your daughter.
February 17, 2016
February 17, 2016
Dear Mummy

Now I understand what you were trying to explain to me and could not. I can see without the rose-colored glasses now and know what you were talking about. I miss you every day so much and wish I could sit with you just one more time and have that heart-to-heart that you longed for; a hug that I long for... 

One day I will see you in my dream again and may be then we will talk...

Tum thi tow...

Love you
Your daughter.
February 14, 2016
February 14, 2016
Happy Valentines Day, Mummy!
Hope you can see the flowers I sent for you and papa.
I miss you so much. Help us be strong. You had so much strength.
I read your old letters that I had forgotten about and feel such love and my heart aches. I miss our walks; and talks; You missed me so much when I went to India for few weeks. Now you have been gone for 2 year, 5 months and 7 days!

We miss you; I miss you so much.
Love
Your daughter
January 28, 2016
January 28, 2016
Dear Mummy

When I close my eyes and go back in time thinking of you, that is a safe place. I have found some of your old letters dating from 1987 when I went to India for a visit to 2005. I had forgotten about those; I wish I found them when you were still here. They are my treasure. I also feel a deep heart ache while reading them. Last so many of years were just full of worry about you and your illness that all else that was important and all else that you felt about me and wanted kind of got lost. 

Wish I could give you a hug. Come and walk with me one more time...

Miss you and love you
Your daughter
January 1, 2016
January 1, 2016
My Mummy...

You would have called this morning 'happy new year'! 
I miss you today... just like always. Miss your voice; and touch. I can still feel it, when I think of it, the roughness of your feet and the warmth of your hands. Chris says he can feel it when he thinks of his Mom. Hope you two are together somewhere...

Happy New Year.
Love you
Your daughter
December 25, 2015
December 25, 2015
Dear Mummy

Three years ago, on December 25, 2012, I was with you in Wisconsin. At this time that day (7:27am), we probably just finished breakfast and you were probably asking what to cook for lunch. 

57 years ago - at just-turned 21, on this day you were getting ready to start your new life with Papa in Meerut! Sab Kuch kitna badal gaya hai na...

We made Pizza that day for dinner at home. 

I was with you then. I am missing you today. Where can I send your present on this X-Mas Wedding Anniversary?

I dreamt of you last night - you put very little food on your plate and I was fussing at you. Few nights ago in my dream, you were driving a motor-cycle and I sat behind you and we were going down-hill and were scared :-)

Happy Anniversary and X-Mas, wherever you are...
With Loving Memories
Your daughter
December 8, 2015
December 8, 2015
Dear Mummy

Sab kuch kitna badal gaya hai! - You said this to me once and I can see you sitting on the sofa and the way you looked. If I could, I would give you a big hug and let you cry on my shoulder. I feel what you felt then. I was just too busy to get up at the time. I wish...

Miss you so much
Your daughter
December 7, 2015
December 7, 2015
Dear Mummy

We talked 821 days ago on this day - you and I, sitting at the bench. Still I didn't think you would leave me - it was such an incomprehensible thing to exist in a World without you. 

Come and give me a hug today. I can still feel the touch of your hands; your feet. I hope to always keep that feeling close to my heart.

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter.
November 27, 2015
November 27, 2015
Dear Mummy

We were closer than anyone can be - physically and emotionally - on this day so many years ago. You held me for the first time. Now you are a part of me - my heart. 

Still I wait for your call...

Miss you so very much
Your daughter
Page 6 of 9

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April 4
April 4
Dear Mummy

I had a bad dream about you last night. I saw you a night before too but you were okay in that. Last night, or was it this morning just before waking up (?), I saw you were lying down. I came from somewhere and you told me that you were bleeding and you looked very sad.

And it made me very sad.

Perhaps it was because we have been talking about the cruise you and Papa took, probably in 2012, when you were so unwell. Chris was telling me how he sat down with you two and tried to talk you out of going on the cruise. But he said that Papa kept saying that he had already paid for the cruise. Chris even told you two that he would take time off from work and that we could all vacation locally but he said that Papa was adamant about going. Chris said that he tried to get you to change your mind until the bags were handed over to the ship. He said that you didn't say anything and just smiled but Papa would not listen. That was the cruise when you became very ill on the ship and they tried to dump you to at St. Thomas. Chris was totally opposed to that. It was thanksgiving holiday and airports would be full, you were very ill and what hospitals in St. Thomas - well, who knows what they are like. What could be more comfortable than lying in your own bed in the ship. You had everything you needed. That was a very traumatic day for us. I called everywhere - the ship, your cardiologist who, being a total idiot, had given the ship permission to drop you off. Finally when I talked to her, she called the ship and we were able to get them to let you stay on the ship. 

You would not have arrived back alive if they dropped you off.

We were talking about it few days ago but also recently because there was exact same incident of a Norwegian ship dropping off an 80 year old lady who had stroke/heart issue at an island without any id or money. The local hospital at this African island had no clue about her. Lucky for her, there were some other passengers who were left behind because they were late returning to the ship. They managed to pay her bills, arranged for food and contacted the family and because of their kindness she was able to get back home in California.

This brought back all those terrible memories of that day when we would have lost you - and who knows in what condition. 

Perhaps that's why I had that dream.

I hope you are happy wherever you are and are surrounded by beautiful things and everyone who loves you.

I miss you very much.
You are all gone and I am still here.
I hope to be gone before Chris...


Love you
Thinking of you...
Your daughter
March 24
March 24
Happy Holi, Mummy....

I hope all is colorful and happy today wherever you are...
I am missing all of you... missing the food.. The smells of the day are still with me.

Always in my heart.
Your daughter
March 19
March 19
Dear Mummy

I had a beautiful dream last night full of lots of jugnu and them turning into butterflies somehow. We were in the Thapar Nagar house, the one in Gali#6. Babaji was there too. And so I am sure that Ammaji and Papa were also. I didn't really see any faces but had a feeling that you were there. Babaji was worrying about me as usual "aisai mein kaisai jayaigee...", he was saying. It was beautiful. As I walked up, the jugnu were coming up and I don't know how but they transformed into butterflies and were fluttering about!

It was beautiful!

I went to sleep last night wishing very hard that I would see you all just one more time... and there you were...

Not that I need any proofs anymore but it still feels so wonderful to be reminded once again that you are all with me and still your love follows me wherever I go. It is also a reminder for me to always follow your path and try to do as much good as I can. I feel like even if I can help just one person, it will repay, even if just in a small way, for the kindness of so many who helped all four of you. I am lucky (or perhaps you have sent this opportunity my way) that I can do just that. This couple has a very difficult time but they are always smiling and always so happy to see me! I am so happy to have them in my life and so happy for Chris's support in this.

Oh, it was a lovely dream. I just wish that I saw your faces but perhaps your souls are at peace now and you can only be there as a feeling... a deep feeling... That night when you came to me when I was very sad, I can still hear your voice as you called my name... 

Thank you for being there for me... and for still showing me the way...

With all my love
Your daughter
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Wish you could enjoy this view with me

yesterday
Dear Mummy

As I stare out my window, I wish you were here.  Whenever I see something I love or am happy about something, I can almost see the smile on your face and the wonder in Ammaji's voice!  It is a beautiful sunny day after several days of rain and clouds.  The green is back and everything looks so lush.  Chris doesn't like to walk and I miss walking with you two.  How you would have enjoyed this.  Only, driveway is a bit steep and that would have been difficult to manage, I suppose.  Sometimes I find myself worrying about it but then I remember that you are not even here - at least not physically.  You are always with me in my heart.  

On a day like this we would have gone for multiple walks, I am sure.  This reminds me of that nice man who stopped by when after Papa's stroke you were not able to go for a walk and he was a neighbor who noticed your absence.  He stopped by to give you a book about finding peace.  I don't know who he was but he will always remain in my memory.

Every now and then I come to an article written by someone who misses his or her parents/grandparents even though multiple years have passed. I am sorry for their loss but it provides sort of a comfort to me knowing that there are those who have been as fortunate as me to still feel a hole in their heart and that the passage of time has failed to dull their memory.  I have had too much and so while I feel sad at all my losses, I remind myself that I have lost so much because I had so much to lose.  There are many who are not so lucky.  

I move forward because that is just the reality but I always keep you all close - close in my heart.  I dreamt of Babaji on the 21st.  He was biking up on some hilly zig-zagging mountains to take care of a baby and I was worried about him.  It was so good to see him.  Last I dreamt of him was on April 1st, 2022!  And prior to that I can't remember - a very long time ago!

It was 44th year of missing Babaji on the 26th.  I listened to two tapes that Papa brought back from his visit when he was ill and had moved to Dehradun with Chachaji.  It is painful to hear the tears in his voice - we gave him only tears in return for all the love he gave us.  But it is also comforting to hear his voice when he has been cajoled/distracted by Chachaji and family.  It is so good to hear everyone's voices. I listen to these tapes every so often.  They keep me grounded and serve as a reminder of where I came from.  I have failed all of you.  The only thing I have managed to do right and am proud of is that I am still the same "Gudya" that all of you knew.  The "Home" I once knew with all of you no longer exist except in my memory... but at least I have the memory of those days... not many remember.

I will always remember.
And I will always love you.

Last letter from Babaji to me dated March 4, 1980

September 3, 2023
After this he could no longer write...

Letter from my Babaji dated February 19, 1980

September 3, 2023
Unimaginable pain and yet all he worried about and wished for --- was my happiness... and about how I would deal with him gone...

Mummy worried about the same thing...  
When one is in so much pain and despair, how do they think of anyone else?  Will I be able to?  I hope so - if for no other reason than to be able to prove myself worthy of so much love I have received in my lifetime.

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