ForeverMissed
Large image
Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in memory of my dear Mummy, Saroj Bansal. She was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure. She will live on in our Hearts forever.

Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.

She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters). Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke. My Mom was only 18. She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she passed away. So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age. She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage. We lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.

We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977. My father worked as an Accountant for the Embassy of India. Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here. Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life that we have. She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993. Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs. The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.

She was last hospitalized in June of 2013 for complications related to her Heart. She spent 12 days in ICU before being sent home with Milrinone to be administered via a Portable IV to keep her heart pumping. It made her heart work so well and she felt good and healthy in a very long time. For the first time in years, she smiled and asked for food and sang! She wrote a long message for the ICU nurses and insisted we go to UW and deliver it. Those few days were the best in ages! She was so proud of the fact that she walked out of hospital on her own two feet rather than in a wheelchair. For me these were a gift. It was such a happy thing to have her ask for more food that the Hospital Staff thought they were allowed to give!

She was very independent minded and did not accept help easily or happily.

But this reprieve was not to last very long. She came home on July 2nd and the medicine slowly stopped working as well within 2-3 weeks.

She knew it was time and she made a call to someone she trusted – to make sure I didn’t fall apart without her. Chris told me later - 'You thought you were taking care of her; she was looking out for you!'

On September 7th she said she wanted to go for a drive with me, came home and later during the morning hours between 4:30 and 5:00am on September 8th, slipped away just when we turned the lights off to let her sleep. My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet; her son and daughter-in-law close. This is the way she wanted to go, with her family around and in her own bed.

She was a very strong and smart lady. Even her close friends did not know how ill she was until the end. She never talked about it. Whenever I or anyone else talked on phone with her, she always sounded cheerful and well. She was very determined. The only thing that terrified her was the thought that she may end up in a Nursing Home. Even when she was getting Chemo, she would go to her craft class next day and they only realized her problem when they saw the loss of hair. She loved to knit and sew. She used to make all my clothes when I was a child; embroidered her saris and shawls. I remember watching her do that in fascination. She continued that almost until the end. She used to do quilting for the Senior Center. She was very active - never wanting to sit in one place, always on a move. Cooking was her passion. She was a wonderful cook and loved to make all kinds of dishes.

She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son Ashish, and two of his daughters, Priya and Pramita; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla.

December 15, 2014
December 15, 2014
Dear Mummy

I missed you a lot yesterday - for some reason I kept thinking about you. Then before going to bed it occurred to me that exactly 11 years ago you wrote me that letter... You could tell when I was sad and now I so wish you could call me just once more... that I could sit with your one more time...

Everything has changed now. I know now how you felt that day when you looked at me and said 'sab kuch kitna badal gaya hai na...'. I cannot fully comprehend how you may have felt because no one can truly understand other's pain; but I still feel an ache in my heart when I think of what you went through. And yet you never complained... Not until the last minute.

Missing you.
Your daughter
December 15, 2014
December 15, 2014
Dear Mummy

You gave up too soon... You would have been happy today. Papa managed to get back something you so badly wanted...
I wish I knew how lonely you were; I wish I understood your anxiety. May be you would still be here.

I miss you so much
Love, Gudiya
November 27, 2014
November 27, 2014
Dear Mummy

Long ago there was a day, today - just many years ago when you held me in your arms for the first time. You were there, papa, babaji and Ammaji. All that was my World. Now I have only papa and Chris. 

I miss you so much and even more today.
Yes, every thing is differerent now.

I love you
Your daughter
November 25, 2014
November 25, 2014
My Mummy

This is my second birthday without you! What does it mean when you are not here. You don't call me and wish me 'happy birthday' anymore. You always used to say, 'baahar ja ker kuch kha laina'.

You always used to ask me how I was doing; did I exercise...
I miss our walks together. We took lots of walks when we lived in Temple Hills. I wish I came for more visits and listened more. It was so long ago when three of us took the walk around your house in WI. When was it when we took our last walk together? I don't remember. Didn't know that would be our last!

I miss you every day. Come in my dreams and tell me know you are happy and healthy if you are somewhere.

Love you
May be you will be in my dreams on my birthday.

Your daughter
November 13, 2014
November 13, 2014
Dear Mummy

Were you afraid on that last day? I remember you said once 'kitna dard hota hoga Marne mein'. But you were so calm the entire time.

Driving in today I was thinking of our trips to Williamsburg. We used to leave at 4 in the morning. Once we had to stop because the bridge was closed. Just these little memories...

I think only once you and I went to McDonalds - just the two of us, when I came to WI last year. You and I used to take lots of walks together and go shopping when we lived in Temple Hills. I miss those. I wish we could take just one more walk. In 2012, when three of us used to go for a walk in WI and you would take the separate shorter route because you couldn't walk the longer one anymore, I used to turn and look back at you as you went your way. My heart would be full of sadness as I thought one day you would go on your way and we wouldn't be able to find you. But it was just a thought. Never really felt real.

And now you are gone and I look back to see you walking me to the UM shuttle, walking in the snow, crying with me as we read letters of babaji and Ammaji, nainital trips, all our vacations together, our last walk around the house in Laurel in October of 2012, and our very last in WI in July of 2013 after you returned home from long stay at the hospital.

I miss you.

Love
Your daughter
November 12, 2014
November 12, 2014
Dear Mummy

I think you would have said something like this. This is shared by Pappu bhaiya. I do wish I came to spend more time with you. There were couple of years when I only saw you for 3-4 weeks in the entire year! 

When I'll be dead...
Your tears will flow...
But I won't know...
Cry for me now instead!

You will send flowers...
But I won't see...
Send them now instead!

You will say words of praise...
But I won't hear...
Praise me now instead!

You 'll forget my faults...
But I won't know...
Forget them now, instead...

You'll mill me then...
But I won't feel...
Miss me now, instead...

You'll wish...
You could have spent more time with me..,
Spend it now, instead.

I miss you so much that it hurts. It still feels unreal that you are not just a phone call away.

I wish you had 10 more years. 

Love you
Your daughter
November 7, 2014
November 7, 2014
Dear Mummy

Thanks for that last sit-together and the car ride - just you and me. I want to remember your happy face, face that brightened up at the smallest thing that made you happy. Such an expressive face. But I keep remembering all the hurt and pain that we as a family and the doctors who didn't care caused you. I know you would want me to think of the good times more. I am trying. Regrets are fruitless now but I do have lots of them. When I am very sad, I try to remember your 'Happy, happy' song.

Dr. Perry replied to my note. She says that she thinks of you and misses you often. I know she does. The tears she shed on your first birthday without you tell us how much she cared. I will always think of her fondly because she gave you so many hugs and made you smile.

If you are somewhere, wish Chris's Mom a Happy Birthday today.

Love you and miss you

Your daughter
November 3, 2014
November 3, 2014
Dear Mummy

This time it was a vacation first time without you for papa and me. I missed you. Thought of all those times we travelled together to so many places. You always used to bring the picnic with you. Samosas, kadhi chawal, bananas, Alu puri and all the other stuff. That was fun. I miss those days.

I remember when you went to Disney few years ago, you were so proud when you told me how much you were able to walk. I can't help thinking that Dr. Kursishi, Wilson and you yourself robbed you and us of at least 10 years together. You were only 75 and could have stayed with me easily another 10 years. You went too soon. Sometimes I am angry with you for being so stubborn and not listening. But mostly I just miss you and hurt for all those times you suffered.

I wish I could do it over again. Then I would not let you go to WI.

Oh, how I wish this were all a nightmare!

Miss you
Your daughter
October 28, 2014
October 28, 2014
Dear Mummy

When I think of you, I think of feeling 'safe' somehow. Or may be it is sa feeling of having someone I can lean on... Someone who worried about me. Without you I don't have that. You loved me, i know.

I used to get annoyed when you fussed over me. Now I long for a call from you asking how I am.

I wish you were still here.

Missing you
Your daughter
October 27, 2014
October 27, 2014
Dear Mummy

There was a day 2 years ago when you had me paged at the airport as I waited for my flight. You forgot to give me my going-away money!

Papa gave it to me today on your behalf. But what I wouldn't give to have you do the same again !

We both miss you so much! The house is empty without you. You would've made me tea and toast. What happened to those days when you both were healthier and we sat and watched Indian movies?
I miss them so very much.

Life will never be the same again. Not since you are not here where we can see you and touch you. Sometimes having you in my heart doesn't seem enough. It seems like such a nightmare but I know it isn't one that we can wake up from.

Love you and miss you
Gudiya and Papa
October 23, 2014
October 23, 2014
Dear Mummy

I wish it was like 2 years ago and you could come to the airport to pick me up. Nothing is the same without you. I can hear your voice in my head and expect to find you in places where you used to be.

You are in my heart, I know - and forever will be. But I wish I could see you and touch you.

Missing you
Your daughter
October 22, 2014
October 22, 2014
Happy Diwali, Mummy

It's been so many years since we were together at Diwali. I miss all those things you used to make. I have missed us writing in the book on Dasharah - all the events of the year.

I miss your voice singing Aarti.

I miss you

Love
Gudiya
October 20, 2014
October 20, 2014
Dear Mummy

Yesterday morning, I had a dream that I was in a hospital and had a catheter attached. Nurses thought that it wasn't working and wanted to re-attach it. I thought it would hurt a lot. I seemed to be alone there. But then you came in and nurses gave you a bed to sit on. You were crying a lot. I think you Said something about Shailu. I know he brought you lots of heartache. But I hope that in the end my love alone was enough for both of us. It brings me some peace that you knew how much I loved you

You came when I was alone and afraid at the hospital - even though it was only a dream. So I know you will be there for me in Spirit for as long as I live.

I miss you so much. I can feel physical pain in my heart sometimes. I wish you were here few more years. Sometimes still I feel like I need to call and tell you something but then I remember...

Miss you and love you
Your daughter
October 17, 2014
October 17, 2014
Dear Mummy

Today I read your letter of December 14, 2003 many times and I wish you were here so that I could talk to you about what is on my mind. You wanted me to talk about myself and listen to you about what was on your mind. But lately all I ever talked about had to do with your eating habits and your medical issues. You didn't want to talk about them all the time - I know that. At the time my focus was on keeping you well. But now I know that you would have been happier if we talked more about other things - about life. 

And now when I have understood all that, you are not here. Sometimes I just want to make it happen and bring you back somehow. But I can't. And I miss you so very much.

Now I will never get to eat your kadhi, mathri, sel and those Kaju...
You bought that flour in 2012 when you came. I can't bring myself to throw it away. We didn't know it then that it will outlast you!

Come back - just once. Come in my dreams...

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter.
October 8, 2014
October 8, 2014
Dear Mummy

13 months today and almost to the hour since you went away so quietly when I dosed off. Didn't even woke me and said Goodbye?

Every day I add another day to how long it's been since we sat on that bench for the last time. Even after 396 days, I can feel the softness of your gown and frailty of your voice. That evening sitting there you sipped your last cup of tea, and promised me a walk when you were better. I know you were just making that promise to pacify me. You already knew that time had come when you had to leave me, leave us. You were so calm, as always. Thanks for that time, for that last car ride and for all your love and worries for me.

If you are somewhere and reunited with our lost family, babaji Ammaji and nanaji naniji, will you tell them that I think of them often; that I miss them and wish that we had more time together. Wish I got to see naniji. I know you missed her and were sad for her suffering just like I am for yours. That day sitting in the hospital, when we had our little talk, you said 'chachiji ne kabhi parvah he nehin kee unki'. So I know it saddened you but you never talked much about them. Probably because you knew we weren't listening.

If I could have another chance with you - even for an hour, I would hug you and just listen to what you want to talk about. I wasn't trying to make light if what bothered about Gauri and rest of the family. I just thought that if I, I don't know how to express it, but I just wanted you to not care about people who didn't matter and concentrate more in who loved you. But now I know that that kind of effort only makes one feel like their feelings didn't matter. That wasn't true at all. I hurt for you and with you all the time. I wished I could make all bad things go away but...

I wish I didn't let you two go to Wisconsin. You may not have been happier because you would have missed Shailu and Priya but you would have been safer.

Miss you so much. And love you even more.

Your daughter
October 7, 2014
October 7, 2014
Dear Mummy

I wish you got to meet Anju and her family. You would have been at home with them. I think you would have been happy when you met them. I miss you and i think of you often and more when I come across something pleasant like a nice visit with friends you would have loved; even a nice breeze. I wish you were here to experience them.

Missing you
Love
Your daughter
October 3, 2014
October 3, 2014
Dear Mummy

14-Dec-2003 - You wrote 'Aaj man bahut ajib sa ho raha hai, tumhai koi pareshani to nehin?' You worried about me so much and just like Babaji, went away. Don't you think of me anymore? Are you somewhere? Papa says you have been reborn somewhere. Where are you - if anywhere?

Missing you.
Your daughter
September 25, 2014
September 25, 2014
Dear Mummy

9 years ago today at this time you were probably getting ready to make breakfast. Chris called me at 7 and asked me if I would marry him... Just 5 hours before the ceremony :-) That was one of the happiest day of my life. You and I were going to leave in another couple of hours to get our hair and makeup done.

How different things were then. I wish you were here today. I wish the phone would ring and it would be you on the other end of the telephone - wishing us Happy Anniversary.

If you are somewhere, I know you are singing 'happy, happy....'.

Love you and miss you so very much
Your daughter.
September 19, 2014
September 19, 2014
Dear Mummy

Did you get those balloons we sent off for you? So many people love you. They were just not able to show. I wish you and I had more time together. I wish I took family leave and spent more time with you last year. I wish I kept you and papa with me and not let you go to Wisconsin. Wish I gave you more hugs.

Wish I could hug you again.

Love and miss you
Your daughter
September 17, 2014
September 17, 2014
Dear Mummy

A year and 10 days since we last talked! How can it be so long since then and yet feel like yesterday when I touched you? Were you there at the memorial service? I hope you are somewhere and heard how many people love and respect you. Sometimes I can just see you standing there and wish we could give ones another a hug one last time. Why don't I see you in my dreams?

I miss you
Love you yesterday, today and tomorrow

Your daughter
September 15, 2014
September 15, 2014
Dear Mummy

I hope you were somewhere near yesterday and were able to see and hear how much you are loved and missed. Kim came! She cared about you so much. Set stayed for a long time and enjoyed the food. She remembered how much you loved chips and salsa. 

And so many others who spoke from the heart. You always wished you could come back once to see what everyone would say about you. I hope you saw.

I love you so much and miss you.

Happy Birthday, again.

Your daughter.
September 15, 2014
September 15, 2014
Ms. Bansal, I was so happy to spend time with you and Mr. Bansal after not seeing you for a very, very long time. I thank God that I saw Sandhia on metro and was able to spend the day with you when you came to visit Sandhia and Chris. For me, it was like seeing my mom again. You were the first one who ever served me cream in my tea when I visited Sandhia when we were in college. I will always remember you. Love Always - Deborah
September 14, 2014
September 14, 2014
Happy Birthday Soroj Ji! You physical presence gave us much joy, tender love and happiness! Your spiritual presence has taught us the meaning of life, spirituality and compassion!
September 14, 2014
September 14, 2014
Happy Birthday, Mum...

Today we celebrate your 77th. You are in our hearts forever.

Love you and miss you
Your daughter
September 13, 2014
September 13, 2014
Today is over with so many people to one year missed you but nobody talked about you except few you liked them most. I found myself alone although so Many people were there. Why? I need notto tell you reason you know that. Do you know that? Why you left me here alone.we go together always than why you have gone alone. .hope you where may be may remember me. Tomorrow is your birth day. Letus go to Alaskeas we were planning before.
September 9, 2014
September 9, 2014
Dear Mummy

Now I can no longer imagine what you were doing at this time last year. It is another loss. The only other loss I can have now is if I forget your face. Will I? This week was so difficult. Why didn't you pass on some of your strength to me? 

You used to say that you would like to know what people would say about you when you are gone. Are you somewhere and can see or feel the thoughts of all these caring friends and family? I hope you can.

I would like to believe that you and babaji Ammaji are waiting for me somewhere and can see me. I just am not sure.

I miss you
Your daughter
September 9, 2014
September 9, 2014
I still remember the day when I saw her first Young n energetic.,then in Solan at my place., and finally on skype last year when we were in US. The same enthusiasm and fresh voice but this time I could see her in memories.We love n miss aunti..............................................................
September 8, 2014
September 8, 2014
Dear Chachai,
You are being missed by us a lot. We have your fond memories intact with us. Rest in peace where ever you are.
Pappu
September 8, 2014
September 8, 2014
Dear Mummy

You left us just about this time last year. Just went out quietly, without making a fuss. That was always your way. We miss you so very much.

My heart is so full of sadness and tears want to come out. This has been such a difficult week. I kept thinking about what you were doing at this time last year and felt like everything happened just yesterday. I thought a lot about the time 37 years ago. I had everybody then. Babaji, Ammaji, you and papa. And also all of the other family. I guess this is the way of life but it still hurts.

Papa and I, we miss you so very much. I don't know whether you are somewhere but if you are, hope you are singing 'happy, happy'.

Love and miss you forever
Your daughter
September 8, 2014
September 8, 2014
Dear Amma,

Last year, you went away from us, but still you are in our hearts!!

Wherever you are, please give us your love, blessings and much more :) :)

We miss you so much!

With lots of love; Chhavi & Maitrie
September 8, 2014
September 8, 2014
Respected Taiji,

Today and always, may our loving memories bring you peace, comfort, and strength!

We miss you so much.

Regards,

Sameer and Meenu
September 8, 2014
September 8, 2014
Respected Chachiji., Naniji
I am sure that with god's grace ,you are in a peaceful state . We cherish your loving memories & talk about you.
Alok Anika Seema ruchika
September 8, 2014
September 8, 2014
Mrs. Saroj Bansal, as I knew her, was a person with a beautiful heart and soul. She cared about every one - her family and friends. Her physical presence will always be missed by each one of us who knew her even briefly.
September 8, 2014
September 8, 2014
We cherish your love and time we had together! We love you and miss you very much! May you rest in peace with God!
September 8, 2014
September 8, 2014
I will always remember her warm smile, sense of humor and love for bananas. She ate one every time I saw her. She is a beautiful being.
September 5, 2014
September 5, 2014
Dear Mummy

This was Thursday last year today. You had an appointment with Dr. Elson and another with Dr. Rahko. You were so unwell and uncomfortable! Still I did not think that you'd be gone in less than 72 hours! That evening we took you to a Mexican Restaurant, La Hasciena. That was the worst ever. You were so upset as nothing had any taste. Even then you were so strong and feisty! I wish you could have had better food and chips and salsa. I thought of you when we are at a very nice Mexican place in Cambridge last year.

That day while sitting in Dr. Rahko's office you were so cold. But when Kim agave you a warm blanket and held your hand, such visible comfort came over you! I wish I knew then that you would be gone soon. Sometimes my arms ache to touch you, to give you a hug.

I miss you so much. This week is so difficult. 37 years ago, today was our first morning in US. I haven't thought of it for years but have been thinking of it a lot these days. How different everything was. What did we do on our first day? I am sure we cried while missing babaji and Ammaji. 

Next week I will be going to WI for your memorial. Never thought about these thing. Every time I tried imagining how it would be without you, I could not. You said just the other day 'Sab kuch kitna badal gaya hai'. It has.

Missing you
Your daughter
September 3, 2014
September 3, 2014
Oh Mummy, it was only 37 years ago today when we left India to come here! Such a short time in the whole scheme of things but yet so long!

Life was good and you were only 39 years young and healthy. Babaji Ammaji were there. There was a family that loved me. Now with you gone and babaji Ammaji gone, it is all a thing of the past. With you around, I had a home. I don't think I could make it if Chris wasn't with me. I miss you all the time and I think of all those people who hurt you and it makes me miserable. I know you wouldn't like me to talk about the bad times. You were so strong but I am not. I try to think of the happy things like the time when you were released from the ICU last July. You were so we'll and happy for those couple of weeks. It was such a gift to me to see you so interested in things and hungry! I can still hear you saying 'happy, happy' when you saw us brooding.

But now you are gone. Are you somewhere? Just give me a sign if you are. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. Come and give me a hug in my dream!

Missing you
Your daughter
August 31, 2014
August 31, 2014
Dear Mummy

Last year on this day just about now Chris and I landed on Madison Airport. We came to see you. But where can we go now go get a glimpse of you? I need to give you a hug so badly that sometimes I can feel the physical pain. I want to call you but you are not at the other end of the line. 

As this year winds down, I am afraid of losing even the thoughts of 'last year she was doing this...'. The time is flying by fast and yet it seems like only yesterday when I came into the room on this day where you were and you said ' do hafte mein duniya he badal gayee '.

I am happy that you were able to carry on until the very end because I know how much more pain it would have inflicted on you if you had to depend on others for your personal needs.

I miss you so very much but you knew I would.

Love you
Your daughter.
August 23, 2014
August 23, 2014
Dear Mummy

I guess it was around now last year that you started winding down. When I got there on August 31st, you said 'do hafte mein duniya he badal gayi'. Something must have happened that caused you to start feeling really bad. Whenever I pass by that passage at work, I can almost hear your voices. We had lots of phone conversations in that area. I feel such a heartache when I go by there but it makes me feel closer to you.

I did not know that you would be gone in 16 days last year. If I could just have you back one more time!

Love you and missing you.
Your's Gudia
August 21, 2014
August 21, 2014
Dear Mummy

It was just about at this hour on this date last year when I called you, you insisted I call Mawana and talk to Mamaji because this was Rakhi. May be you knew it was your last because when I said I would call when I get home, you said - 'that will be too late'. You did not want to let this last Rakhi go without a call to mamaji. Papa was in the hospital and you were so anxious and worried about so many things.

I wish I took the family leave last year and spent time with you. It just never occurred to me that you would leave us so soon. I thought we still had some more time left. I wish... Sometimes when I walk by that space at work where I used to go and call you, I have such an ache in my heart and such a desperate feeling because I can almost hear your voice but know that you are not there anymore - not anywhere but in my heart.

Thank you for the special times that we did have together. I will always miss you. If you are somewhere, I hope you are with all who are gone and who loved you.

Love you
Your daughter.
August 18, 2014
August 18, 2014
Dear Mummy

Time is flying by so fast! Already 345 day's since we last talked. Yet it feels like yesterday! You were here. You used to worry about me like babaji did. And now you are gone. How is it even possible? There are times when I feel a nice breeze on my walk or enjoy a show, and I wish you could be there to share it. Last year is like such a nightmare! In January you said you felt good enough to go to India but that was not to be! I would like to remember the time you came home in July after a long stay in the hospital because you were truly happy then. It showed! But that was for such a brief time. 

I am so sorry that you didn't get to have your favorite Mexican chips in the end. That was an awful restaurant we went to on that last Thursday after Dr. Rahko's appointment. I thought of you when Chris and I were in Cambridge and ate at a Mexican place. You would have loved that food! 

You will forever live on in my heart. But I wish you were here so I could give you a hug.

Love you
Your daughter
August 11, 2014
August 11, 2014
Dearest Mummy

I miss you and am so alone. Can you come, hold my hand and take me with you? You said you knew my heart well. then you must know where I am at this moment. You promised to walk with me when you were stronger. I still remember that like yesterday.

Missing you.
Your daughter
July 29, 2014
July 29, 2014
Dear Mummy

I let the first 26th of July pass and didn't think about the exact time last year when you probably had one of the worst days of your life. That is the day of the last entry in your diary. I know you would not want me to think of the heartaches you have had and definitely would not want me to talk about the difficult times but I do it anyway. I will try to remember what you would have wished and try to remember the good times you had and we shared. There were lots. There were all those vacations we took together back in India and here. I will try to remember that I was lucky to have you for longer than others who lost their Moms at earlier age. I will try to remember you with a smile.

But I miss you so much.

Love
Your daughter.
July 21, 2014
July 21, 2014
Dear Mummy

It is so hard; harder than I thought it would be - to live without you. Not that I was able to ever imagine it - though I tried. Sometimes when I think o fall the things I didn't do; all the hugs I didn't give, I can't breathe. You said in one of your letters that you wrote to me in 2003 that you want me to be happy. How do I do that? I miss you so. And I regret so many things. I wish I could see you well and happy in my Dream one day. Last night I thought of you for a long time when I went to bed and hoped to see you in my Dream because I fell asleep thinking of you, but you didn't come. 

It is so strange - sometimes I wonder if you were ever real. Will I ever forget your face? Will it hurt less at some point? The thought hurts me more. I don't want the pain to go away and I don't want to forget your face. In the pictures of July 7, you look so lovely. The picture seems to grow more beautiful every time I look at it. Thank you for this gift. I wonder if that was the glow as the end was near. 

Wish I could hug you once again.

Love you
Your daughter.
July 9, 2014
July 9, 2014
Dear Mummy

For some reason I am missing you even more today. You have been gone 10 months and a day. Where are you? Just come back and give me a hug once again. How do I live without you? You were Home to me. When you were here, I felt like my World was much bigger. Now it has become 2-person small.

Love you - Gudia
July 8, 2014
July 8, 2014
Dearest Mummy

It is July 8th today, 5:45am. Just about exactly 10 months since you have been gone. 10 long months and yet it is like yesterday when we sat together; when I held your hand; tried to massage your feet that hurt. When I look at your picture or just think of you, sometimes my heart aches. Wish I could see you once again. Will I?

Missing you.
Your daughter
July 4, 2014
July 4, 2014
Dear Mummy

Shirodkar Aunti and Uncle came for a visit with Papa on Wednesday, two days ago. When I came back home, I looked up from the car window and for a minute I was confused. I thought you were standing at the door of the house and looking out. Aunti was wearing similar clothes as you and it just confused me. I wish...

I miss you more every day. Come and see me in my dreams, mummy. Come and tell me that you can still see me. 

Love you
Yours - Gudia
June 18, 2014
June 18, 2014
Dear Mummy

I wish you were coming with papa today. I miss you more every day. Every thing is so different now. I remember those times when we talked on phone and you sounded like all was well. It gave me false sense of security of you being happy and that made me feel happy, at peace and a light-hearted feeling. I will never experience that happiness again.

Who will make kheer for me? And matthri? Kajoo for Chris? And all the delicious meals you made? Most of all I miss the sense of security that you are just a phone call away. Miss your voice. Miss your 'happy, happy' song.

Love
Yours Gudia
June 18, 2014
June 18, 2014
Dear Mummy

I was just thinking of something and it made me smile. My crazy and fearless Mom! Sometime in 2012 when I was returning to MD, you and papa dropped me off at the airport. As I sat in the lobby, I thought I heard my name on the intercom. I thought I would walk over and see what that was about. What do I see! The Security Officer smiled and told me that your Mom wants to give you money. I looked over and there you were. You forgot to give me the money you always gave me whenever I left WI. So you came back all the way upto the Security and asked them to call me over! I would have been too timid to do anything like that! But not you...You were funny...I sit with your picture on my other monitor and it looks so real - you know, the one from July. I think that the picture grows more beautiful every day. It is like you are sitting there looking at me.

I wish you could come and give me a hug.
Love you - Yours - Gudia
June 9, 2014
June 9, 2014
Dear Mummy

It has been 9 months and a day since I last talked to you. You carried me for 9 months and now it has been just as long since I touched you; talked to you. That last evening with you on the bench - I wish I made more time so that we could have more of those. Even at that time, it never occurred to me that you would be gone and that you won't be there at that time the next day! Can you see me from somewhere? Will I see you again?

We went to watch bike race on Saturday and biking yesterday. It was such a beautiful day on Saturday - I thought of you often and was sad that you could not experience it. I loved the smile that lit up your face on those times when stressed left you and you were happy. I miss that very much.

Love you - Gudia
Page 8 of 9

Leave a Tribute

Light a Candle
Lay a Flower
Leave a Note
 
Recent Tributes
April 4
April 4
Dear Mummy

I had a bad dream about you last night. I saw you a night before too but you were okay in that. Last night, or was it this morning just before waking up (?), I saw you were lying down. I came from somewhere and you told me that you were bleeding and you looked very sad.

And it made me very sad.

Perhaps it was because we have been talking about the cruise you and Papa took, probably in 2012, when you were so unwell. Chris was telling me how he sat down with you two and tried to talk you out of going on the cruise. But he said that Papa kept saying that he had already paid for the cruise. Chris even told you two that he would take time off from work and that we could all vacation locally but he said that Papa was adamant about going. Chris said that he tried to get you to change your mind until the bags were handed over to the ship. He said that you didn't say anything and just smiled but Papa would not listen. That was the cruise when you became very ill on the ship and they tried to dump you to at St. Thomas. Chris was totally opposed to that. It was thanksgiving holiday and airports would be full, you were very ill and what hospitals in St. Thomas - well, who knows what they are like. What could be more comfortable than lying in your own bed in the ship. You had everything you needed. That was a very traumatic day for us. I called everywhere - the ship, your cardiologist who, being a total idiot, had given the ship permission to drop you off. Finally when I talked to her, she called the ship and we were able to get them to let you stay on the ship. 

You would not have arrived back alive if they dropped you off.

We were talking about it few days ago but also recently because there was exact same incident of a Norwegian ship dropping off an 80 year old lady who had stroke/heart issue at an island without any id or money. The local hospital at this African island had no clue about her. Lucky for her, there were some other passengers who were left behind because they were late returning to the ship. They managed to pay her bills, arranged for food and contacted the family and because of their kindness she was able to get back home in California.

This brought back all those terrible memories of that day when we would have lost you - and who knows in what condition. 

Perhaps that's why I had that dream.

I hope you are happy wherever you are and are surrounded by beautiful things and everyone who loves you.

I miss you very much.
You are all gone and I am still here.
I hope to be gone before Chris...


Love you
Thinking of you...
Your daughter
March 24
March 24
Happy Holi, Mummy....

I hope all is colorful and happy today wherever you are...
I am missing all of you... missing the food.. The smells of the day are still with me.

Always in my heart.
Your daughter
March 19
March 19
Dear Mummy

I had a beautiful dream last night full of lots of jugnu and them turning into butterflies somehow. We were in the Thapar Nagar house, the one in Gali#6. Babaji was there too. And so I am sure that Ammaji and Papa were also. I didn't really see any faces but had a feeling that you were there. Babaji was worrying about me as usual "aisai mein kaisai jayaigee...", he was saying. It was beautiful. As I walked up, the jugnu were coming up and I don't know how but they transformed into butterflies and were fluttering about!

It was beautiful!

I went to sleep last night wishing very hard that I would see you all just one more time... and there you were...

Not that I need any proofs anymore but it still feels so wonderful to be reminded once again that you are all with me and still your love follows me wherever I go. It is also a reminder for me to always follow your path and try to do as much good as I can. I feel like even if I can help just one person, it will repay, even if just in a small way, for the kindness of so many who helped all four of you. I am lucky (or perhaps you have sent this opportunity my way) that I can do just that. This couple has a very difficult time but they are always smiling and always so happy to see me! I am so happy to have them in my life and so happy for Chris's support in this.

Oh, it was a lovely dream. I just wish that I saw your faces but perhaps your souls are at peace now and you can only be there as a feeling... a deep feeling... That night when you came to me when I was very sad, I can still hear your voice as you called my name... 

Thank you for being there for me... and for still showing me the way...

With all my love
Your daughter
Recent stories

Last letter from Babaji to me dated March 4, 1980

September 3, 2023
After this he could no longer write...

Letter from my Babaji dated February 19, 1980

September 3, 2023
Unimaginable pain and yet all he worried about and wished for --- was my happiness... and about how I would deal with him gone...

Mummy worried about the same thing...  
When one is in so much pain and despair, how do they think of anyone else?  Will I be able to?  I hope so - if for no other reason than to be able to prove myself worthy of so much love I have received in my lifetime.

Hurts me to part from your treasure but...

July 7, 2023
What can I do Mummy?  I had to find a safe place for these - especially your wedding jewelry.  I have resisted parting from these but I worry that these will be lost if I were to die today.  I am happy that I have found as safe a place as possible - I hope you are happy with my decision and choice in this. Wish I wore it when you were still around.  Can you see me now?  Hope you can.  I know you are smiling. A dress made from your Saree and your wedding chocker.

Still, it is one of the hardest things..  
Yet, it needs to be done.

Invite others to Saroj's website:

Invite by email

Post to your timeline