- 76 years old
- Date of birth: Feb 12, 1934
- Place of birth:
Massachusetts, United States
- Date of passing: Jan 23, 2011
- Place of passing:
Boston, Massachusetts, United States
|May you always walk in sunshine, and God's love around you flow. The happiness you gave us, no one will ever know. It broke our hearts to lose you, but you didn't go alone. A part of us went with you, the day God called you home.|
This memorial website was created in memory of our loved one, Sybil Poliquin-Dolber, 76, born on February 12, 1934 and passed away on January 23, 2011
<3 <3 You are the One and Only. There will never be another... <3 <3
"Morning, Mom... MAN, what I HAD to DO just to get on here via my phone. I've done it before, but THIS time, had to change my password. Took FOREVER... Appropriate, I guess. Haha
Anyway... I've been going through a lot; physically, emotionally... I really can't STAND it. I finally wrote Josh a letter; expressing my discontent. What it will accomplish, I don't know; I can only hope. I HATE feeling the way I do, but I have NOTHING because it goes to OTHERS. TIRED... I'M the one that BARELY sleeps, WORKS EVERY DAY, to include FOR the roof over ALL our heads... But TRY to get any satisfaction for things that are important to ME. Ken helps... But for HIM to have the attitude that HE "busts [HIS] ass" on a daily basis, when he gets to sleep... Even during the day... Hangs around, plays games; and yet I STILL come home to MESS, things NOT done, and ATTITUDE when I FINALLY say something. The way he started things with me this morning made me wonder, IS he taking his meds...? Because the mattress needed to be pushed back against the wall; he started, I finished... But then he says we won't be able to feel the heat, that's getting shut OFF in a WEEK. AND, HE always complains about being HOT. It bottom lines to I just can't do things RIGHT in HIS mind and opinion. The mattress was pushed back to where we HAD it; even during COLD weather. So... The issue IS??? Yeah... Just what I thought. If he THINKS I'll tolerate being mistreated, even a LITTLE... THINK AGAIN. I'm SO fed up, even though I WANT my relationship; SOMETIMES I miss LIVING alone. Would I be happy? Only to the extent of FINALLY having MY environment the way I WORK SO HARD to HAVE it... And NOT get destroyed on me. I've EARNED it. My LIFE has been about struggle and sacrifice; but the last 30 YEARS have been extreme... And at MY loss. I'm TIRED... Of taking care of EVERYONE. Will there EVER come a time when MY life is about ME??? Doubtful...
Anyway... I'm gonna quit venting, and just tell you I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... I'm SO sorry it's been SO long since I've been here; LIFE has been a bit 'overbearing'... As I'm sure you see.
I was moved out of the office area into an ACTUAL apartment. I feel like I finally got a raise after 3 HARD years of work. It's made life better in some ways, but harder in others. It's JUST like 'having a job' now, which I'm NOT supposed to be doing... Even though I worked SO hard before, NOW it's get up every morning; shower and get ready to GO to work. Before, not feeling well wasn't an issue. IF everyone 'under my umbrella' right now ONLY KNEW what I was going through DAILY... They STILL wouldn't care because it's NOT THEM. God knows that Joshua WOULDN'T and COULDN'T do ANYTHING I've done or accomplished... But I was just informed from SULLY today that Josh thinks I'm "STUPID". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA If ONLY HE could light a MATCH; never mind a CANDLE to ME... He'd be SUCCESSFUL, on the RIGHT path instead of a life of 'chaos', and bringing it into MY life... HE'D be raising Sully and RIGHT. NOT be the kind of parent that ONLY thinks of himself; not others OR HIS child. Instead, he just EXPECTS everyone to take care of and clean up after him; RESCUE him when he CONTINUES to make the SAME mistakes, OVER and OVER. I'M TIRED of it all... So is Blayze. WHEN will I be able to have a life of MY OWN??? I WANT my kids; I even WANT them AROUND me... Often. But they NEED to be able to make it on their OWN; that's HOW I raised them. Blayze... He's doing OK for the most part; I'm VERY proud of him. HE should be the 'older brother'. I'm just TIRED of EVERYTHING being on MY shoulders, ALL the time. When things don't go 'right', it affects me and Ken, too; and for the FIRST time in 3 years, we're doing pretty well. We have a LONG way to go; he has to PROVE to me that he's DONE with EVERYTHING he's done in our past history... Which will take TIME. But when things like a phone bill getting 'mysteriously' paid... I check his phone and stuff on it or Facebook, and I see DATING SITES. He had 14 of them, so I deleted them WITH his knowledge and him right there. I NEVER used to do stuff like that... But I'm sorry; I'm scared. OTHER people do it as a protective measure; SELF protection. THAT'S what it's all about. I don't LIKE feeling the way I do... It was 'induced'. But AFTER I did all of that, I checked again the other day. There was ANOTHER dating site called 'UDate'; THAT was NOT there before, so WHY WAS IT??? But he SAYS he's not doing any of that anymore... I WANT to believe, but it's HARD; especially when things 'pop up'. A text from what was obviously some 'site', or 'someone' he contacted on one... All I KNOW is that I CAN'T and WON'T go through what I have... My entire life. I KNOW I'm worth MORE than all of that. And I'M TIRED. Things are either gonna be LEGIT in my life... Or I'll go through it ALONE. I LOVE Ken... But I ALSO need to trust him and KNOW that our relationship is TRUTHFUL; that I'M the ONLY ONE... Even 'online'. I'd like to get married (again) some day... Scary as it is, I DO want it; and I DO love and want it with Ken. But... I HAVE TO KNOW... Or it's NOT gonna happen. Things have DEFINITELY been SO MUCH better since he got on his medication... But... I NEED to KNOW that it's HONEST. THIS will be the LAST time I ever play 'the Fool'. But anyway...
That's it for now, Mom. I gotta go feed Sully some lunch. I LOVE and MISS you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Well, there's certainly a lot going on. Where do I begin? I've been busy, that's for sure. I have SO much to do and catch up on; I wonder if I'll ever be able to, unless I JUST SIT for HOURS or even DAYS and JUST DO IT. Haha Frankly, sometimes, I WANT to... Then, I get this overwhelming feeling of, "Oh man, just to hell with it." Haha It's BECAUSE I have SUCH an OVERWHELMING amount on my plate, ALL the time; and then MORE just keeps PILING ON. Then for Tyson to say to me yesterday what he said... I'm sorry, THAT just PISSED ME RIGHT OFF. If ANYONE is 'OVER WORKED' in THIS place, it's ME. But they want to worry about CHAD??? How about just a LITTLE concern for ME??? I'VE ended up in the HOSPITAL 3 times BECAUSE of the STRESS of this place, and was TOLD to LESSEN my stress. Hahahahahahahaha YEAH, OK. I'll HOP RIGHT ON THAT. ;-) I can't even WALK OUT MY DOOR without being BOMBARDED; which is WHY I prefer to send OTHER people to do things, rather than just go myself a lot of the time. You REALLY THINK I WANT to be cooped up IN HERE, ALL the time??? No. But I can't even go down to do LAUNDRY without being BOMBARDED by people, and HELD UP for a CONSIDERABLE amount of time. When that happens, it KEEPS me from doing the things that I either NEED to be doing, or WANT to be getting done. Am I glad that people around here 'like' me and WANT to associate with me, rather than think I'm just a 'Wicked Old Witch'? Haha Of course, I do... However, DRAW THE LINE, and realize that I am a VERY BUSY WOMAN that ALSO has a LIFE, or would LIKE to have a life of her own. Haha I don't think that 'The Duperrons' have a clear and concise 'description' or 'definition' of WHAT a 'MANAGER' IS and/or DOES; because in MY experience AS a Manager... I always had a TEAM that worked for/with me that I DELEGATED 'work assignments' to. I did MY work, and BELIEVE me; I got MY 'hands dirty'... I worked VERY HARD at WHATEVER job I did; it didn't matter if I worked in a GARAGE. I even did BODY WORK and MECHANICS, besides running the Office. Here... When I agreed to take this position, the POSITION consisted of THESE duties: Collect rent, answer phones and turn over rooms and apartments when people moved; PERIOD. I basically just had to sit here and 'look pretty' at ANY time in between; but do any WORK??? No... I TURNED this INTO 'A JOB' and a REAL BUSINESS, and got it RUNNING like a REAL business. This is NOW the BEST Boarding House IN Manchester... And EVERYONE that comes here, SAYS that. So, THAT even means above and beyond the OTHER 'Duperron Properties'. Perhaps THAT'S why Bob is SO hard ON Sarah about certain things. Maybe he's a little 'envious'... He's ALWAYS complimented me and so has Joanne; they wish THEY had me running THEIR properties. Anyway... As usual, I'll move past and just DO whatever I NEED to DO to run this business the way I HAVE been. I know Chad's here for me... He was here for me BEFORE he was 'official'. Haha
Ken and I have spent time together the last couple days, and we've gotten along really well. I know, that's always how it goes at first; so, don't worry. Haha He and Chris met last night; I admit, I was a little nervous about it. Ken was on his way over, and JUST as he was about to get here, Chris showed up. Then the bell rang... Ken was actually REALLY good about it, thank God; and so was Chris. I could tell Chris wasn't HAPPY about it... Haha But, oh well. I've been pretty up front with Chris, so... The fact that HE'S not HEARING me... However, NOW, after hearing what I heard last night... I have to say, the way Ken put it is FUNNY, but definitely correct, too. 3 strikes, he's basically OUT. Haha At first, I wasn't sure what he meant; but it goes to show how WELL Ken knows me. Hahahahaha He said, First strike, talking about the Future. Second strike, saying HE was my 'Bad Penny'. Third strike, saying he DOESN'T believe in GOD. THAT blew me AWAY... I didn't know he felt that way; but it TOTALLY caught me off guard. Then he just FLAT OUT said it; he's an ATHEIST. So, OK then... HOW could I even POSSIBLY consider any type of 'relationship' with him, other than friendship? I am who I AM... And IF I even TRIED to 'explain' anything to him about it, he would not only NOT believe me... He'd think I was some sort of LUNATIC. Hahaha To this day, I don't think Ken knows what to think or believe... WHO WOULD??? Someone looks at you and tells you they're an 'Earth Angel' and their MOTHER was, too. They show you a PICTURE of their Mother after She died, and it's Her 'Angel'. ALL the different things ABOUT me, and I basically have to say, "I just need you to accept it and ME." I've always wanted to JUST be loved and accepted BECAUSE I KNOW that everything ABOUT me is SO 'unbelievable'... But it's ALSO, ALL true; and when given the time, I CAN 'back it all up' with 'action'. Things I say ahead of time, WILL happen and DO... Things I should have NO knowledge of, somehow, I DO... At times. I get visions at times; I get 'feelings' at times... I 'sense' things. I'm capable of 'feeling' another person's emotions AT the time. I don't always like that one... Hahaha There are LOTS of things I'm 'capable' of that are considered 'gifts'... Do I always consider them 'gifts'? NO... Haha Sometimes, they're a pain in the BUTT. They've made my life extremely difficult, especially with OTHER people and with relationships. I don't seem to be 'entitled' to HAVE one, or to be 'in love' on a 'Forever' basis. It's like, I get men that need some sort of 'fixing', and I'm the 'Repair Person'. Haha Because in all honesty, there's not one that I was ever with that I DIDN'T help in SOME fashion. Even THEY were able to admit that. Being with me was a 'positive' thing in their lives; even if it wasn't so much for me. Again... "Earth Angel' and HERE to 'serve a purpose'. It's basically been crammed down my throat, and FORGIVE me for putting it so bluntly. It's just that I would LIKE to have some 'happiness' while here, too; while SERVING that purpose. But I guess, like YOU said, Mom... I'll get my just rewards in 'the after life'. So be it... I guess I'll take whatever LITTLE happiness I can get while here.
But now, HOW do I tell Chris that we can ONLY be friends? He called me last night, STILL talking the same way... He plans on coming here today after work to 'spend time' with me. He's entitled to his beliefs and how he feels. It's just that I can't possibly... I can ONLY be friends; THAT'S IT. And I don't want to lead him on to think we could be more. We don't even have anything in common... And I've BEEN saying that I felt I've grown beyond him over these years. People change... I have. I'm just not the same person I was all those years ago. I am in WAYS; just not completely. I'm FAR more 'grown up', and my standards are just obviously higher now, also in ways. I've stayed alone for YEARS... Not even a date, because the RIGHT person didn't ask. Please help me do this RIGHT, Mom. I don't want to hurt him. He's already going through so much.
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom & Dad. Dad's in the home, but Mom's having a difficult time. Please comfort them both through all of this. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... How was YOUR Valentine's Day? Mine? It was 'interesting' to say the least, but was also VERY nice. Night before last, there was a death in the building; I'm positive it was an OD. I don't care for the woman, but it was sad, just the same. I wanted her 'out' of the building; just not in that manner. I didn't care for her as a person, and I certainly didn't care for her way of life; but I certainly didn't wish her any harm. Her man left her last week because he was sick of a lot of different things... He was in here in tears yesterday, as well as on the phone. As little as I care for him, the moment called for a sympathetic and consoling hug; words are never enough. For a Tuesday, it was a ROARING busy day... But of course, it HAD to be, because I had things I WANTED to get done; I had plans in the early evening, wanted to close EARLY and head for MY Valentine's Day. But when do MY plans ever go the way I PLAN? Hahaha Never; that's right. Haha And it started FIRST thing in the morning... Haha But I made it through. ;-)
First, it was just issue, after issue, after issue here at the building per usual. Sarah even contacted me a COUPLE times while I was IN the shower, AFTER I told her I was IN the shower. Hahaha She called, I heard HER ring... So I got out to answer. She asked if I was in the office, so I said, "No. Actually, I was IN the shower and I heard you call." Haha So, we left it at just call her when I was OUT. I got back IN... She TEXTED me a FEW times while I was back in, but I was using my phone for music, and the text tone sounds out over the blue tooth speaker... LOUDLY, that my 'BOSS IS ATTEMPTING TO REACH [my] PHONE', and interrupts the music momentarily. Haha Thank God NOW, the music starts back UP again; it didn't used to. Haha ANYWAY... The PHONE was NON-STOP, PEOPLE were NON-STOP... I was getting irritated; I almost bit Chad's head off when he called me during all of this. Haha I'm gonna start calling him 'The POOR Chad', for having to work FOR me at times. Haha Funny thing is, I NEVER used to be like that AT ALL. AGE has REALLY gotten a hold on me, hasn't it Mom? I worked in HUGE Corporations... Fidelity Investments, for example... And had HUGE responsibilities. TONS were just DROPPED on my lap at a moments notice, and I JUST DID IT; without a peep. Of course, BACK THEN, I was getting PAID the BIG BUCKS to do it. Haha NOW, I'm just sprouting GRAY HAIRS!!! Haha Money... It truly MAKES a difference as to 'Performance' in a job, doesn't it? Not necessarily for ME. Look at ALL I've done here WITHOUT receiving a PENNY. Look at all I STILL do. It's no wonder Sarah doesn't want to lose me... I wouldn't want to either. Haha Anyway...
Ken and I saw each other for the first time since we broke up, too; and on Valentine's Day of all days. It was actually a nice visit, considering what brought him by. He was working up at Brandon's and texted me about Mom and Dad. I guess Dad was being moved yesterday to the same Nursing Home/Rehab that my Old Man Al did in Bedford. That's a good place, so I'm pleased about that. Do I think this means we're closer to 'the end'? Yes... But we've been anticipating this for quite some time. As MUCH as it hurts, it's what's best for DAD. I so desperately want to go see him... I'll go see Mom first; find out how Dad is doing once he's settled in a bit... Then I'll go see him; I HAVE to. But then, I guess Mom was going to the hospital, too; she wasn't admitted though. Her anxiety is out of control. Ken said last night, they gave her Paxil for it. That's an anti-depressant; good. I pray it helps her... This is NOT easy on Mom; I'm SO worried about her. I'm worried about Ken, too, but not like I am about Mom. We anticipate our parents to pass on... But when we lose our SOUL MATE; we, too, can pass from depression, loneliness... Even a broken heart. It's simply called 'giving up'. I had an Aunt die 2 weeks after my Mom because of it; my Mom's sister, my Aunt Ellen. They were SO CLOSE... My Aunt couldn't bare my Mom's passing, and 2 weeks later, she passed. Within WEEKS after that... HER son, my cousin Orville SET OUT to die. He literally left his place of residence WITHOUT any necessities... Went to a field, and was found dead. Funny thing about all that was, HE was the child that she always 'pushed aside'; she favored her other children over him. Yet HE was the one named after my Grandfather, their father. Orv always wanted her love and acceptance, SO desperately; but never fully got it. My Aunt loved him; just not LIKE her other children, and she had 5 I think. Anyway... It was just one of those situations that I'm trying to describe. It even happens with animals. I remember when it happened specifically to a ferret we had that favored Josh over all of us. Toney... We ALL loved Toney, but Josh was the one that spent the MOST time with him; we had him for YEARS. Then, when Josh spent his 60 days in Jail at 18 years old... During that time, Toney died. Little by little, I could see the differences in Toney. We had other ferrets, too; he stopped playing, eating... And then he died; of depression. I swear he thought Josh 'abandoned' him, like Poquito thinks/thought I did to him. I told Blayze and Jess (love of Josh's life) NOT to tell Josh about it because it would DESTROY him. We kept it from him for the longest time. Problem was, I've NEVER lied to my boys... Christmas, birthdays; things like THAT, yeah. But LIE to them, NO. Josh would ALWAYS ask about Toney... And it KILLED me. I'd just say, "Yup, the ferrets are good" and then change the subject. He must've caught on, because then ONE day, he came RIGHT OUT and asked me, "Mom... Is Toney alright?" You may as well have just PUNCHED me in the stomach. It was getting CLOSER to him getting out, but I did NOT want to tell him... I had to or LIE. The truth... I told him the truth because it's what I've ALWAYS done and I didn't know what else to do and we were on limited time. It destroyed him... But did I chance him coming home and seeing NO Toney and MAYBE not forgiving me for LYING? Or would he have forgiven me under the circumstances? I didn't know... ALL I knew at THAT moment was his PAIN... And MY regret. Anyway...
It was nice being able to visit with Ken and be the way we were, and not the way we were a month and a half ago. I don't want to 'hate' him; I don't even want to have bad feelings toward him. I feel past that, pretty much now. Times like these can put a bit of a 'Rush' on things. Haha I'm a pretty forgiving person anyway; a little TOO forgiving for my OWN good. But I don't want to waste time and energy on 'hate' anyway... It's not ME. I have my 'moments', and move on; and that's what I've done with this situation. I ALWAYS leave everything up to 'Karma'. It's not MY place to 'right' any 'wrongs' that have been done; unless it was ME that committed the 'wrong'. Then, I would take any action necessary. But 'Karma' is the BIGGEST BITCH for ANYONE that goes around 'wronging' others. If you get to 'witness' any of it, you're fortunate. If not, just be rest assured that it WILL happen. Even with Ken... I don't WISH him any grief or anything; but even in some things he says to me or texts me... I hear some 'Karma'. Some experiences he's having and going through; I understand. I've either been there, had it, been THROUGH it... And it's scary; especially ALONE. But I've been THERE, too; ALONE. I've also been experiencing things that were scary, then had to go through 'crap' with HIM, WHILE experiencing the scary stuff I was already going through... ALONE. When REALLY what I wanted and needed was comfort from him. I never did anything like that to anyone... Someone needed me; didn't matter WHO... I was there. EVEN Tori, when we WEREN'T getting along and she had one of those FLESH EATING abscess on her; I treated her... More than once, more than twice; more than three times. God gave me 'talent', 'abilities' and 'skills' for reasons, and I believe if I DON'T use them for the purposes I'm meant to... He'd be pretty upset at me. Haha I have ALL this knowledge along with the abilities. WHAT am I supposed to DO with all of it if I DON'T use it??? So, I help people... That's what I'm HERE for, RIGHT? Earth Angel... HARD life. Your warning has been WELL received, Mom. ;-)
Moving on... Chris took me WalMart shopping, FINALLY (Haha), and then we went to Ollie's for dinner. We had a real nice time. Then we came back here and hung out until a little after 10:00. He's supposed to go to bed around 8:30-9:00 because he gets up around 3-3:30 for work. I keep telling him NOT to change his schedule for ME. He keeps saying he just has a hard time leaving me. Haha He does though; I see it. It gets later and later all the time. We have SOME things in common; other things, not so much. Haha We both LOVE the whole 'Log cabin on the water' setting; he talks about it ALL the time. He wants one, too and talks about US having one some day, and kayaking; and HE'LL do things like split wood to stay busy and stay in shape, and I'll make the house look nice and have a little vege garden if I want. Haha Now... I LOVE the whole log cabin on the water idea... But I don't want to LIVE with him or anyone; AND... Even in the little bit that we've been spending together, I already see the DIFFERENCES that we have. Haha I'd HAVE to have my OWN 'space' IF we were ever to live together, JUST so that I could watch TV. Haha He likes to watch NEWS all the time and stuff. I watch the news for a FEW minutes, then MOVE ON to what I WANT to watch. And shopping... Haha I actually forgot a few things because he made me feel a little 'uneasy'; he was teasing me a bit in the vitamin isle. Haha He grabbed ONE bottle and put it in the cart. I'm standing there, looking... Grabbing this bottle, that bottle, another bottle. Haha He started to laugh and made a couple comments; even one about my health. He said something about "that must be why I'm NOT healthy". I stopped him RIGHT there. I told him I AM healthy; I'm JUST DISABLED... There's a DIFFERENCE. That's when I actually made the comment about how Ken and I used to actually have FUN when we went shopping. I'm sure he's not gonna like being 'compared' to Ken; WHO WOULD like being 'compared' to an EX? However... I told Chris that even though Ken and I had some pretty serious issues, he DID have his good points, such AS being a Gentleman. So, when I get in Chris's truck, he feels like an ASS, because HE doesn't do what Ken did and go to the driver's side, unlock the door, then go to the passenger side to OPEN the door for ME. Haha Yeah... I told him that Ken used to do that when he gave me the EXCUSE that he couldn't do that BECAUSE he had to unlock the door from the driver's side. Haha Hey; I AM a LADY, and I DESERVE it. I DON'T expect a man to lay his jacket across a puddle for me to walk across. Haha But to open my doors, even put my jacket on for me is a NICE touch that Ken did... ALWAYS. Ken HAS his BAD points... And IF I could just RIP them OUT of him or wave a MAGIC wand over his head, I would; to make him "A Better Man"... So that we could still be in love; just like the song says.
I don't know, Mom... We know we can't be together; and it's ALL because HE couldn't do the 'right' things BY me. But IF he loved/loves me SO much... WHY couldn't he??? THAT'S the part I ALWAYS have a hard time understanding, because MY brain doesn't function that way. Someone would rather LOSE what they claim to love and not want to live without, rather than just DO the RIGHT things??? TREAT them right??? Be JUST WITH THEM instead of always searching for something else??? What I had with Ken, I KNEW HE wasn't 'the greatest'; but I LOVED him, and WHAT we had TOGETHER felt incredible... So, WHY would I want some-ONE or some-THING ELSE??? I guess I'll never understand, because I'm not LIKE that. I'm a 'One Man Woman' and always HAVE been. People that feel they 'need' more than one partner... It's a 'sickness'. Just WHY do I end up with men like THAT??? Why can't I find someone more like ME...? Chris is a 'One Woman Man'; it's just that I don't feel we have so much in common. He's an 'old flame', and I'VE changed. I've grown SO much over these years... I've grown beyond him, I feel. One day at a time... That's ALL I can do.
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. Please watch over Mom & Dad. We all really need you right now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Happy Valentine's Day!!! <3 February, like April, in our family and for me, has a 'string of memories' and 'historical events' in my life. Yours and Chris's birthdays; it even just dawned on me that yesterday was Billy's birthday... I wonder if I ever told Blayze that? If memory serves me correctly, he's 3 years older than me; so he just turned 53. Valentine's Day... ALWAYS was 'just another day' for me; until Ken, basically. For some reason, I always managed to end up 'alone' for Valentine's. Haha I'd either JUST break up with someone OR some sort of dilemma would occur. Then came Ken; in my LATE 40's. Haha Valentine's Day became 'special'; at least for that year. The next year, too, if memory serves me correctly. We had broken up, but managed to get it back together, pretty much just in time for Valentine's. From there, was the 'Roller Coaster Relationship'; the constant ups and downs with the same old 'empty promises'. So, Valentines' Day... Just another day; even though I have a couple that are 'trying' to make it otherwise.
Luke... He came by yesterday; he stops by a lot now. He even told me something yesterday that he supposedly said to Ian WHEN he met me a year and a half ago. He supposedly said that it might take time... Even 5, 6, 7 YEARS... But he WOULD "get with me". HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Yeah... NO. NOT happening. I LIKE Luke... I CARE about Luke... He's even a 'good looking' guy... But he's NOT FOR ME. There are a LOT of things ABOUT him that are UN-attractive TO me. He's NOT MY kind of guy... So, THAT kind of 'cockiness' and 'confidence'; I guess it works with SOME women... But NOT me. I'M 'untouchable', unless I WANT to be touched. Or I'm UNCONSCIOUS and unaware. Haha Yeah, THAT'S not really even funny, even though I try to make light of it; because I KNOW that's 'damage' from the abuse I endured throughout life. My mind 'shuts off' and goes elsewhere... I don't like that. It used to be that you couldn't BREATHE around me when I was asleep without me waking up. Not the case anymore... Anyway. Luke... NOT an option whether HE cares to accept it or NOT. Friends... Period.
Chris came over after work yesterday afternoon, and hung with me until about 9:00 last night. Thought he was working today, but his truck is still in the lot, and it's almost 8:00 AM. He leaves early in the morning, like around 4:00 AM... But not this morning, I guess. Last night when we were talking, he said he had to work. Hope he's OK. Anyway... I guess we're going out tonight for Valentine's; he wants to take me to dinner. I'll also FINALLY get my WalMart shopping done. Haha I'm OUT of some stuff I REALLY need. Between the snow and work around here... I've been busy and exhausted; then the weather. Put a bit of an obstacle in my way. Haha
Ken texted me; told me Dad was doing a LITTLE better than he was. THAT was nice to hear... I guess they're gonna put him in a rehab or home; that makes sense, actually. I think it would be better for Dad at this point. I guess Mom's anxiety is really acting up... I wish there was something I could do; I feel SO helpless. :'( I'm so glad Ken is there to help Mom, AND be there for Dad. I'm so glad he didn't do what he usually does when we break up... I'm sure he's doing 'his thing'; but at least he's THERE. That's a HELL of a LOT better than he's done in the past. Mom REALLY NEEDS him right now; especially with as BADLY as Michael is screwing up. Michael is her 'favorite'. Well... She can't exactly depend on him right now, CAN she??? She needs SOMEONE.
Wow... Fire Dept. was just here and I GOTTA GO. Sorry to end SO abruptly, Mom. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... HAPPY 83rd BIRTHDAY!!! Yes, I HAD to put HOW old you are in there. Haha It's all part of it; I tease myself, too. So, how you feeling today? Just 'Heavenly', I bet. Hahaha I know, I know... Knock it off. Hahaha Get anything special? Your own cloud, maybe? Hey, they have toilet paper called 'Angel Soft'; maybe it will get changed to 'Sybil Soft'. Hahaha OK, OK... Enough. You wouldn't want THAT anyway... I'd say that people like US get 'used' by ENOUGH asses in our lives as it is. Hahaha OK!!! I'll stop now. Hahaha SERIOUSLY... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!! :-D Needless to say, I wish you were here to celebrate WITH me; I miss you terribly... <3
As for other things... They're going along. Things are going well, pretty much. Of course, I still have things I need to straighten out; but things are definitely going better. I need to get on my license; I'm tired of being 'dependent'. It's been a month and a half since my nails have been done and Cassandra is RIGHT in the building. I thought this would work out well... But not so much. I paid her last month BEFORE she finished, but then she never got back to FINISH. When she comes today, I'm gonna talk to her about it. I'm gonna tell her basically that I CAN'T be going without my nails DONE. We're gonna have to SET an 'appointment' and KEEP it on the weekend. FINISH my nails. If she can't do that, I'm going back to Nail City. It takes her SO long to do them; I get that she probably needs practice. Go to a salon, and you're in and out within 1/2 hour to an hour, TOPS; and that's if you get a FULL SET. Just a fill, and you can be out in 1/2 hour once they start on you. Now, BECAUSE she didn't finish and it's been so long, I NEED a whole new set AND MY actual nails CUT down. MY nails are VERY long, but they're dry, separating FROM the acrylic and one nail even has some nail fungus going on underneath that I showed her a COUPLE WEEKS AGO. Yeah... I NEED some attention, ASAP. Serious talk today, and she either takes me seriously as a 'customer' and NOT just as a 'friend'... Or I go back to the salon.
I'll tell ya... I am THRILLED having Chad as my assistant. Yesterday, and even right now, he TORE APART the kitchen to do a FULL CLEANING. THAT hasn't been done since me, Ken and Jenn did it 3 YEARS ago. Other than that, the ONLY cleaning it's gotten is Jenn's 'half assed' cleanings. I LOVE having someone working for me that CARES like I DO. Since my Management, I haven't had that. Ken didn't... Jenn really didn't; she was just doing this to have a roof over her head. Blayze... Well... He cared; but HE saw the same things I see, so he gave up and 'didn't care' anymore about putting HARD work into what he did. He wasn't gonna make something SPOTLESS for someone ELSE to come in and DESTROY. I get that... I actually feel the same way now when I clean the rooms. The whole "Wylene Clean" thing has gone RIGHT out the window, as far as preparing for re-rental. Why should I KILL myself for people to just come in and destroy it; live like 'pigs'? As long as it's 'clean' and presentable... Good to go. I'm not gonna spend the HOURS on END in each room like I used to, to make them SHINE when I opened the door to show them. Forget THAT. Typical me though... I start EVERYTHING off ALL 'gung ho'; ready to change the world; until the 'reality' sets in. Hahaha Ken always hated that about me, I know... Haha That, along with some other things. Once I started something, MOST of the time, I HAD to finish it. He hated that about me, too. When it came right down to it, I used to tell him that he didn't 'like' me very much at ALL; because he used to either just put me down all the time about stuff, OR just negate ANYTHING I said. He also always 'told' me he'd do ANYTHING for me; but when it came right down TO it... That wasn't the truth either. "When A Man Loves A Woman"... LOVE that song... SO meaningful; but is it true? I, personally, wouldn't know.
I guess Ken 'loved' me the best way he knew how...? I don't know... I think back sometimes, even to the beginning. HOW did he manage to 'hide' WHO he REALLY was/is for SO LONG??? MONTHS upon MONTHS!!! I guess when you LIVE a LIFE a certain way, you become 'well practiced'. Did I see through it? Yes... Which makes me an even BIGGER fool; but there was that PART of me that always 'doubts'... That 1% of me, so to speak. That "What if?" What IF I was wrong??? Problem is... I'm NOT, usually. My FIRST instincts are usually SPOT ON; and they were. "The Devil In Blue Jeans", smiling; standing in front of me... SUCKED me RIGHT in. I was in SUCH a desperate time in my life with my family; and ISN'T that WHEN 'the Devil' lures you in??? Don't get me wrong; I will ALWAYS be GRATEFUL to Ken for the help he gave during that dreadful time... Perhaps THAT was PART of 'the lure'; I was IN NEED, and 'the Devil' PLAYS on that WHENEVER possible. Now... I'm NOT EASILY lured by ANY means by 'the Devil'; EVER. I avoid HIM and 'Evil' at all costs. However... HE will take ANY opening possible; especially with people, such as myself, BECAUSE I'm NOT someone to be 'caught' BY 'him'. I've ALREADY been through HELL... 'He' can give it 'his' BEST shot, but I WILL WIN. Just like the song Josh dedicated to me when he was just a child; the one by Eminem, "Soldier". In there, it says things like "I will not crumble, I will not stumble..." Josh told me WAY back then, that song reminded him of ME; because no matter WHAT came my way, I never fumbled. I AM a SURVIVOR; and I always will be. Don't get me wrong; it was FAR from all bad... It was actually phenomenally great, a lot of it; something I'm afraid I'll never have or experience EVER again. He was the love of my life, which says a LOT. Just one of the MANY reasons I put SO much effort into it; I wanted it SO badly... Something I NEVER had my entire life, but felt and feel I deserved. I'm, apparently like YOU, Mom, and just meant to be 'alone' for the rest of my life; serving 'my purpose'. Because I'm tired... Exhausted, really... Of lies, cheats and empty promises. What I GIVE in comparison to what I GET out of life; HUGE difference. Which, I guess leads me to...
Chris... I was definitely right about the drinking and he's trying to hide it from me. STUPID. I can SMELL IT. Haha Then yesterday, he was SUPPOSED to take me WalMart shopping, but... I went up to his room yesterday to see if we were still going, and FIRST off, he LOOKED REAL rough. Then, on top of it, I could smell it. He FINALLY admitted that he 'screwed up', but still; I've BEEN smelling it. He keeps saying he "doesn't wanna screw this up". Well... LYING to me DEFINITELY WILL. I just got OUT of a situation where I was lied to on a regular basis. I'm not starting up, even with a 'comfort zone' situation that I can't trust. What's the sense??? I don't want to hurt him... But I gotta look out for ME. We'll see what happens, I guess.
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! And I wish you were here for me to hug and kiss, too. I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... I was basically 'realizing' the date this morning; it's the day before your 83rd birthday. See how busy I've been and how time just flies by...? I wish you were here to celebrate WITH me. You know I'll honor you; I always do. <3
Chad and I have managed to get MOST of what was on our plates, OFF; but, of course, Lorie... The one that LIKES to cause the drama and chaos, AND be demanding of everyone's time... That apartment being the ONLY thing left to take care of; but no, she CANCELLED to hold us ALL up. An APPOINTMENT was made with me, Sarah AND Tyson for yesterday morning, 10:00 AM for her to retrieve her belongings that she has CLAIMED she has been "repeatedly denied" to the Sheriff's office when she filed the Restraining Order and gave dates in JANUARY when she was evicted in FEBRUARY. Hahaha Also... She apparently doesn't have ENOUGH faith in ME to realize that I KEEP EVERYTHING between she and I... ALL messages and texts. Therefore, I had SUPPORTING DOCUMENTATION to PROVE that I was NOTHING but 'cooperative' and ACCOMMODATING until she texted me at 5:30 in the MORNING to ask me for UNDERWEAR. Yeah... THAT was where I drew the line, and I had EVERYTHING to prove it and PRINTED it to provide for Sarah and Tyson for THEIR court documents, in case we DO need to go back to court with her. Drama, drama, DRAMA!!! PLEASE get this PSYCHO off of MY grid, and have her take Tori WITH her. Anyway... Moving on... Then, someone, out of the blue, contacted me yesterday and said they were moving out LAST NIGHT. Haha Gee, thanks for the notice. Just kidding... I don't really care. It affects them more than me. They lose money; I don't. I just gotta prepare the room and re-rent it. Poor Chad... Hahaha He just DIDN'T know what he was in for. Hahaha He THOUGHT he was getting a NICE 'Cushy' job where he did 'a little here, and a little there' that basically paid his rent. NOPE!!!!!! SORRY... WELCOME to MY World. Hahahaha That's what I say to him all the time now, too. He says he doesn't LIKE my world. Hahaha Yeah... Well I'M not too fond of it either. Hahaha Though, I gotta say... It's a LOT BETTER NOW than it WAS. I can LIVE and I can BREATHE... FREELY. There were definitely 'issues' here that were MAKING me miserable, OTHER than just the 'bell and phone', and how the residents basically take me for granted. Jenn was a MAJOR factor in my misery... And unfortunately, so was Ken. But things are gradually getting better. Of course... I wonder if I'll EVER have 'my space' JUST to myself for ANY period of time. Hahaha
I LOVE my family... My Boys and Sully are EVERYTHING to me; but I'm not gonna deny that I get 'tired' of 'taking care' of other people. That's the whole reason I put the 'house' idea on HOLD... Or should I say, I basically just killed it. Anytime my boys are in the same 'area' as me, I'M MOM; it's as SIMPLE as THAT. I've ALWAYS 'taken care' of EVERYTHING. I supported them, cleaned up after them, stood BY them with ANYTHING... I cleaned up their figurative 'messes'. Anytime they 'left home', they ALWAYS LEFT me with a DISASTER to clean up; NOT figurative... A LITERAL DISASTER of a mess that they left behind because they just figured THEY "didn't need that stuff anymore". Even as adults, coming into MY space, they just 'take over'. If ANYONE ever did that to THEIR space... They would NOT HAVE IT. They leave dishes for me to wash, messes for me to clean up... AND my 'SPACE' is COMPLETELY INVADED. Now... When you go to stay with someone, you DON'T 'take over' their space; you POLITELY take as LITTLE space as possible. Well... Not MY Boys in MY SPACE. Hahaha They DOMINATE... Because I'M MOM. They take me SO for granted and they don't even realize it. I was the ONE 'Constant' in their lives; even ABOVE you, My Blessed Mother. But, of course, THAT'S how it's SUPPOSED to be. It's just that I raised them 'in your light' BECAUSE I wanted them to love you the WAY I did... It was certainly successful, because their entire lives, I felt they loved you more than me. Hahaha It hurt me sometimes, sure; because I'M their Mother, and the one that did EVERYTHING for them... But all in all... I accomplished what I set out to do; and TO THIS DAY, they have the love and RESPECT for you they should. Now... If I could ONLY accomplish the same for MYSELF. Hahaha Yeah... I don't see THAT happening. Hahaha C'est Lavie. One miracle at a time. Hahaha
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I'll be here tomorrow for your birthday at some point. Cassandra is supposed to come do my nails tomorrow morning; I'll probably get in here before then. You know my sleep habits. Hahaha As usual, please watch over us all, Mom. I think we need you right now. Please keep watching over Dad... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... Just thought I'd drop a quick note. It's been a VERY busy day, as usual; it's Friday. But I had things actually scheduled for first thing this morning on... Got a new DVR for my camera system; it can accommodate 32 cams. SO AWESOME!!! Better pic quality, too. We're gonna have more cams installed pretty soon; I can't WAIT. I've wanted them and have been asking for quite some time. I know it's quite the expense; but I know that Sarah sees the validity of the NEED for them. Just VERY excited. It was a bit of a wait for the DVR, but I'm happy. :-D
I talked with Mom #2 yesterday, and believe it or not, Ken; Dad isn't doing well at all. He apparently doesn't even recognize you... :'( He has all kinds of issues going on, Mom. Sickness is really taking over... :''''( PLEASE just keep him peaceful and comfortable. I don't know what to do; Mom said if I went to see him, he wouldn't know. That, of course, would hurt... But I just feel like I want to see him, and I want him to know I love him. I KNOW that even when people are in comas, they can still hear you... I know that even when YOU were 'unconscious', WHEN you came to, you told me WHAT you remembered I did for you WHEN you weren't conscious. You KNEW I was there and that I was taking care of you. You said I "had the most gentle touch". I'd go in and wash you, rub cream on you... And you remembered; you KNEW I was there. I don't know... I'll figure it out, I guess.
I guess Ken has been having some issues, too; more seizures and stuff. But he said he's sticking with the mental health and the meds; so that's good. I hope he gets the help he's needed all this time; maybe he'll straighten out, at least a little bit.
Chris... Something else. Hahaha He keeps saying he's "like a giddy school boy"; and I have to agree. Hahaha For a 57 year old man... Hahaha He keeps talking about "Permanent" and "Future" and ALL kinds of things that are just WAY too soon for ME. So, I keep reminding him of SLOW and ONE DAY AT A TIME. Hahahaha I understand his feelings... But I need MINE to be understood too. I NEED TIME. I don't want to RUSH into ANYTHING. DATING is good for ME. I'm comfortable with the idea of a 'Comfort Zone' guy right now... Just someone to spend time with, go out with, cuddle with... Just the 'simple' things. I understand that Chris and I have 'history'; he has a LOT of 'fond memories'... I get it. But we're not who we were 19 and 20 years ago; at least I'M not. If we're gonna do anything this time... It's gonna be built 'new'. But again, ONE day at a time.
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I gotta go deal with a few things. Please watch over everyone... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... First things first; I need for you to watch over Dad #2. Mom #2 called me last night, and Dad isn't doing well at ALL; he's in the hospital again. Things are happening, Mom; to his body... I think you and I both know what that means when all of that starts taking over, and becoming more 'rapid' and progressive. PLEASE watch over him; make him as comfortable and as peaceful throughout EVERYTHING as possible, Mom... PLEASE. I love him SO much, and I'm not RIGHT there... He's surrounded by... Well; you know. Mom's there and Ken's there to take care of him, so that's good. It's just all the rest... PLEASE look out for and watch over him, Mom. I have no choice but to leave this with you, considering... :'(
It's hard for me to really be 'happy' about anything else with what's going on with Dad; but things are going pretty well otherwise. Chris and I talked a LOT over these couple of days, and I must say... I'm AMAZED at all that he remembers, and in such DETAIL. Things I said, we said, places... I honestly didn't realize that I had SUCH an 'effect' on him, and especially for ALL of these years. I, apparently, was 'the one that got away'; it REALLY bothered him, and it was AFTER I left him, he actually QUIT drinking and straightened out his life. Imagine that... Got his license back and has a REAL nice truck right now. He drove past where I used to live ALL the time, just wondering what ever became of me. He told me that he realized after I 'left', and thinking of everything I said to him... He realized that his alcohol was a REAL 'Eliminator'. It eliminated his license, some friends, and it DEFINITELY eliminated ME in his life; he realized he needed to stop. We were together a year or more, but never lived together... We had a GREAT relationship... EXCEPT for his drinking, it REALLY bothered me. In all honesty... I'm not so sure he's really QUIT drinking. I SWEAR I smell 'ale' on him, which is the smell of beer. Hahaha I certainly don't want him hiding it from me BECAUSE it was a problem before, JUST to get me back; then I find out down the road, he lied. THAT would be a problem. If he can handle HAVING a FEW beers and leaving it at that; NO problem. But the problem before was, he couldn't do that. Anyway... He's a good guy; just so different than what I would consider going out with NOW. Hahaha I've definitely changed and grown... BUT... Who knows. He's showed up after 19 years for SOME reason. People are in your life for reasons. Even Ken was in my life for a reason... Why I had to go through ALL that I did, I don't know; but he was still in my life for a reason. So, I'll just do what I've said here AND to Chris, and just tread lightly... ONE DAY at a time, and just see how things go. I told him FLAT OUT that I JUST got out of a 3 year 'disaster' just over a month ago, and I'm still 'broken'. I don't want him suffering any of the 'consequences' of the 'aftermath' from THAT relationship... AND, I'm just not comfortable JUMPING into anything anyway, even though he's 'familiar territory'. SLOW and EASY is what I need. He said he has NO problem with ANYTHING, just as long as he gets to be by my side and spend time with me. THAT works. So, we've done JUST that... He rented the room here yesterday, we've spent time together; it's been nice. HE'S gonna take me to do my WalMart shopping so that I don't just get 'dropped off' by Blayze, AND he said it will give him more time to spend with me. So, THAT works, too. Hahaha I know Blayze will appreciate it, and SO will I. So, as far as me and Chris, Mom... So far, so good. Just help me keep everything on the 'level' I want it, OK? Just 'simple' for now, especially.
Chad and I got #204 packed up yesterday; today we gotta go up and get as much more done as we can. I can not WAIT to have Lorie OFF of my radar and grid. She actually went to the Sheriff's Office yesterday to get a restraining order on Sarah. Hahahahahaha The Sheriff called me LAUGHING. She had ALL kinds of incorrect information down on the paperwork. Hahaha Drug soaked brain of hers... She just wants to do whatever she can to make OUR lives miserable. It won't accomplish anything. I have witnesses here that state that SHE'S been in the building trying to KICK IN the apartment door WITH her dogs. Yeah... THERE'S some 'RESPECT' for ya that SHE goes around PREACHING about. Hahaha She CLAIMS she wants to be 'FRIENDS' when this is all over and done with... Yeah... SEE YA!!! DON'T WANT or NEED YA in MY life, you two faced, drug dealing, crazy ass PSYCHO BITCH. Sorry, Mom, but THAT'S what she IS. You KNOW I 'calls 'em like I sees 'em'. Ask ANYONE what they think of her, and they'll TELL ya, SHE'S CRAZY. Even Jenn, who was crazy HERSELF, used to tell me ALL the time how 'crazy' Lorie was. Hahaha She is... But when you have a DRUG SOAKED BRAIN with NO common sense to BEGIN with... NOT a good combination, and rather 'explosive'. Long story short: GOOD RIDDANCE!!!
OK, Mom, I guess I'll end for now. I have another busy day, and I need to go shower. Again, PLEASE watch over Dad; comfort him. Comfort Mom, too; she's gonna need it throughout all of this. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Can YOU believe what happened yesterday??? I just nearly dropped my jaw. Haha Chris Maguire, of ALL people... Haha 19 YEARS later. My phone KEPT ringing and it was this same number; I was busy... HAVE been NON STOP for a while now. They finally left a message... I listened to the message; he said his name was Chris, and if this was the same Wylene that was friends with Gretchen, to call him back. One, that voice... It clicked with everything he SAID; it HAD to be him. Haha I called him back and asked HIM a couple of questions; sure enough, it was the SAME Chris I went out with 19 YEARS ago!!! He was SO excited, he couldn't WAIT to get back over here; he was apparently here just last week looking for a room, but spoke with some guy. They told him there wasn't any availability. He said he's SO HAPPY he called back. Hahaha When he walked in, it was SO funny, because he's looking right at me, asking FOR me. Hahaha When we went out all those years ago, I was heavy... Him seeing me THIN, never mind a size 4 HAD to be ONE of the shocks of the century for him. Haha I said, "Yeah, hi, Chris; it's me" and laughed... I told him I knew I looked different. Haha He couldn't get over it, but he said that I was "still gorgeous". Then we talked for about literally a minute before he asked me, "So, what do you think, can we?" I said, "What?" He said, "Get together again. I'd LOVE that! I think and talk about you ALL the time! I've never forgotten..." You know; I actually believe him; Chris WAS always a GOOD guy, TREATED me good, was always sincere, affectionate, loving... The way we broke up back then... There really weren't any 'words' spoken; I just kinda 'moved on' because of other issues. He drank a lot, was one... How ironic I moved on to Michael; a RAVING alcoholic. Haha Chris and I had a 'nice' relationship. We actually were together for a good year or more, but never lived together. Then, I just started 'feeling' things, and knew it was time to move on. He called me a lot back then, too; I remember feeling REAL bad about the whole thing... But I didn't know exactly how to deal with or confront how I was feeling at the time. But he's never forgotten me... And apparently, thank God, has 'nice' memories. Like the majority of my exes, they usually want to come back. Hahaha Even the ones that 'leave' yelling epithets at me; they usually want more 'rounds' with me. Haha WHY, I don't know, IF I'm, IN REALITY, so 'horrible'. Haha I guess the ACTUAL reality IS, "You don't know what you've GOT, until it's GONE." Perhaps you should've treated it better WHEN you had it, because if YOU don't; SOMEONE will. Back in the day, Chris was SO good looking; wavy/curly salt and pepper hair, MUSCULAR as ALL could be... He's a laborer, so physical fitness is even still in his favor. Haha But he's definitely 'aged'. I mean, he IS 57 years old; but YOU always taught me and has PROVEN to be true, "You look how you live". I look the way I do at 50 because I've lived an honest life, despite how HARD of a life it's been. I'VE been a GOOD person; didn't do harm [much] to myself or others... I've definitely done MORE to myself than I've EVER caused anyone else. I've done more FOR others, than TO others, and there's definitely a difference. I've had my bouts with addiction, and beat it on my own. Probably just one of the reasons I'm capable of 'understanding' others so well. Even though I never got into 'hard drugs' like heroin, meth, stuff like that; I DID have a brief episode with crack, unknowingly for a while; as ODD as that sounds. When people lie to you and tell you something IS what it ISN'T... But I got myself out of that. Then later in life, when my boys were older; Josh was an adult... I had my bout with alcohol and 'self medicating'; I was SO miserable in my life, and it was 'induced' by other factors... To include Barry, who was making me the drinks and drugging me. But I eventually got myself out of THAT, too. Because I had YOU as my Mother; and YOU raised me RIGHT; with ALL the RIGHT ingredients to KNOW 'Right from Wrong'... Even when you're making the 'wrong' decision at the time. Then, you OPEN your eyes WIDE, take a DEEP breath and say, "I'm DONE. NO more." Believe it or not, THAT'S what I do; then STICK TO IT. Make a CHOICE, to take a CHANCE, to make a CHANGE. NOTHING changes unless YOU TAKE ACTION. Sitting around, complaining about your life and what's wrong IN it accomplishes WHAT??? Driving OTHERS CRAZY, THAT'S WHAT!!! GET UP off your BUTT and DO SOMETHING to change your life. You want something... GO AFTER IT!!! Be 'assertive', NOT 'aggressive'; there's a difference. 'Assertion' is POSITIVE; you don't hurt anyone or anything in the process. You take ALL the RIGHT steps to accomplish your goal. 'Aggression', you'll use ANY means necessary to accomplish your task; even at the cost of others. That means you're a 'selfish' and 'self-centered' person, and 'Greed' is one of the TOP 7 Sins... Like 'Vanity'. To be 'vain' or 'conceited' is another one of the top 7 sins. ANYWAY... Chris will be coming back tonight after he gets out of work to rent one of the rooms I have. I don't know if that's gonna be 'too close for comfort' or not. Hahaha I know HE wants to start things up again... I guess we'll see. Nice guy and all; and again, he treated me GREAT back then... I just feel like I've 'grown' beyond him. I know you know what I mean, Mom...
Well, things around here are going well. I feel SO differently since Jenn is gone, I really do. It's SO much 'easier' to function. I don't have to watch what I say or do; I don't have to hide or lock up my stuff... I don't have to deal with her 'looney-ness'. Rumors and lies being spread around about me, like that I'm trying to 'kill' her. Oh my Lord... Hahaha Like I said before; IF I were ever GOING to 'kill' anyone, it would've been one of my EXES; DURING the times I was going through all of the 'abuse' and unnecessary bull that they were putting me through. That 'Looney Toon' was doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to try to destroy me; just like others in my life. Why? It all boils down to LACK of SELF WORTH and ESTEEM. You raised me to 'JUST DO IT', and THAT'S what I've done my ENTIRE life; therefore, I became 'skilled' at a LOT of things. I'm also just a 'naturally skilled' person, just because of WHO I am, DNA inheritance, ETC. You 'inherit' things from your 'family tree'; abilities, talents, etc. Throughout life, you perfect them. I did a LOT of that with a LOT of different things. I can't help that I'm 'good' at things; whether it be naturally, or I learn quickly. The UGLY head of 'Jealousy' tends to show up and rear, to make MY life as miserable as possible... BECAUSE I am who and what I am, and can DO all that I do. RIDICULOUS... People I worked with did it to me; people that were SUPPOSED to be my 'friends' have done it to me; MEN in my life that supposedly LOVED me have done it to me... I'm just better off 'alone'. Haha I'll stick with my plan of 'no serious ties' for now; if something comes along that 'flips my flipper', I'll give it a shot. DATING is what it's going to be for me... NO serious 'relationship'. It's just that SOMEHOW, when I get with a guy, they always end up 'owning' me. Haha Gotta change that somehow... And I know that IF I consider giving Chris another shot, HE'S gonna want as many waking moments with me as possible; and he'll be HERE in the building as of tonight. Even after he left here from visiting last night, he got home and called me. Haha I was off in the building without my phone, so I missed the call; but his message said that he's SO happy that he's found me again, and he CAN'T WAIT to see me again tonight. One day at a time, I guess... That's all I can say or do. I'm not making ANYONE any promises. I've been through HELL; a HUNDRED times over, just in the last 3 years... Never mind the MILLIONS of times throughout my lifetime. I'm treading VERY lightly. Hahaha I'm still trying to get the past resident that's been hitting me up on a regular basis to 'get it', that I'm not 'interested' in being anything more than friends. I've stopped answering him so much, so now I'm getting, "Did I offend you?" No... I just don't want to go OUT with you and you're NOT GETTING it. Hahaha So, 'baby steps', it is, I guess...
Snowing again today... YUCK!!! So, Chad is getting some rest right now; then we're hopping on the apartment to get that going. Chad has to go shoveling later... Fun, fun, FUN!!! I need to get Lorie OFF of my 'grid'. She's OUT of the building, but STILL thinks it's OK to text me at 5:30 in the MORNING to ask me about coming to get some UNDERWEAR from the apartment. THAT was the FINAL straw... I let her HAVE IT; and GOOD. I am NOT here at people's 'beck and call', ALL hours of the day and night, for WHATEVER their purpose. I have BUSINESS HOURS, and I made that CLEAR. I also made clear that SHE got HERSELF in the predicament she's in, and to STOP punishing others for it, to include ME. I would contact HER when her stuff was ready for her to come pick up; PERIOD. I'm NOT heartless, uncompassionate, or anything of the sort. But I'm also NOT RESPONSIBLE for the predicament she's in, and BROUGHT her Father into. Some 'Care Taker'... That NEVER would've happened with you and me, Mom. YOU came FIRST; not an animal, or ANYTHING, for that matter. YOU; JUST YOU. I even sent Blayze to go live with Marj for a good year while I moved in to take care of you. SACRIFICE??? Yeah, I'd say so. My CHILD, even though he was a teen; he was MY child. He came back with me for the 2nd year I was with you, and I even trained him to assist me with your treatments. He was a BIG help to me... Anyway... Your parents, once YOU'RE an adult... If THEY need YOU, you're THERE for them; there's NO saying 'No'. I never told you 'no', Mom... I was there for ANYTHING you needed; it didn't matter WHAT it was. If you needed your car fixed, a household issue, a health issue; it JUST didn't matter, I was there and took care of WHATEVER you needed. I just wish I could get the same treatment.
Well, I'm gonna end for now, Mom; I have a lot to take care of today... As usual. Haha But I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Man, what a busy day yesterday. I was busting it down here all morning; then, upstairs in the afternoon with Chad cleaning room #219. That was an interesting experience... Haha He flirts with me NOW and THEN... But he apparently looked at THIS as an 'opportunity'. Haha Funny thing was, there was one comment he made that actually took me a few minutes, before I knew what he ACTUALLY meant. Hahahaha Well... I guess when a guy and girl are cleaning together, and the girl is having to lean and bend in front of him... Haha The whole 'friendship' thing goes RIGHT out the window for the GUY. Hahahaha Poor Chad... Hahaha Good thing I won't be cleaning many rooms with him, huh? Too funny... Haha I'll probably let him handle #214 on his own, inspect it, then do final pics myself. Maybe that will be easier on him. Haha Anyway, he does a good job. I'm even getting compliments from the residents about the job he does on the bathrooms. I'm sure people are grateful to be rid of Jenn, too... But he IS doing a good job. I've actually gone around to some of the bathrooms to inspect, just randomly. They're nice and clean... Good job. So, SO far, I'm confident in wanting to hire him for the position.
Cassandra and Angel came in the other day to pay Angel's rent, and she told me that Ken told her something about it was a good thing they broke up, because Angel was seeing some whore whose name began with an 'M'. I asked her, "Was it Macey?" She said, "YES!!!" I told her that was Ken's whore; or at least one of them. What Angel said was funny, but a little inappropriate to put here. Hahaha But Angel doesn't require the service of prostitutes; he has Cassandra. But even when he's alone... He doesn't 'buy' sex. That's SOME people's bag... But NOT Angel's. I'm so glad he realized and admitted that it was all because of his withdrawal. They're doing SO well now; and Angel is ALMOST done. Just a couple more weeks... Watch over him, Mom; PLEASE. I don't like what happens to him sometimes; and I don't like that he didn't call me last time. He promised me he'd call me if it happened again, so that I can monitor him and just make sure that he's all right. I can't lose him... No one has EVER looked out for him. Well, I'M going to. Please help me do that.
So, other than my pain being out of control... Things are going GOOD. I'm doing well, Sully's doing well, the boys are relatively well. All in all, things are good. I have some things I really need to attack and work on, because I want to get something ACCOMPLISHED. In order to do that, you need to TAKE ACTION. My problem is, TIME... TIME for MYSELF. Somehow, SOME way, I HAVE to find it.
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please watch over us all and guide us to make the right decisions, as well as protect us. You know, I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... You know; it's SO NICE that I've been able to get back in here on a regular basis to spend my time with you. I was feeling so... 'Disconnected' before when I wasn't able to. Even though you KNOW I 'talk' to you when EVER I can... This is different somehow. This is like a literal 'Record' of our relationship; it's important to me. It's also something I've ALWAYS done to 'express' my feelings, is write; in some fashion... Whether it was poetry, a song WAY back in the day, OR just to sit and write the way I do here, to you. It helps me... And YOU'VE always helped me; talking to you. This is important to me. Just like when I come across things that you've written over the years, I treasure and cherish them just BECAUSE you wrote them; they're YOUR writings. My boys may feel the same way some day... And this; this is online and easily accessible. It's there and should be for a long time... Hopefully, this site will 'Forever' EXIST. I'm sure I'm not the only one that takes it so seriously...
I went shopping last night; spent LESS than $200; THOUGHT I had MORE than that in my basket... Hahaha I did REAL GOOD!!! Got ALL kinds of stuff that I needed for my 'balance' issues. My frig is SO PACKED... I really had to maneuver it. Hahaha I've got TONS of yogurt, some nice flavored creamers; even some left over from last month... Things are really just 'leveling out'; even helping my boys out. It feels REAL good. :-D
Tori has REALLY screwed up... She lost the place, like we KNEW she would, that they JUST moved into at The Abby; JUST like Josh said was gonna happen. She's literally RIGHT back to where she was when I did 'The Rescue Mission' a few years ago. She's 'Bootin and Tootin'; dealing, she acts completely demonic... When she does THAT, it involves LOUD noises and screaming, which leads to them/her getting thrown out. Josh was smart to call me, JUST about what was going on with Sully, because it was ALREADY getting back to me. But for him to GET OUT TOO, was a SMART MOVE on HIS part. Now, we have a FAVORABLE police report for US that is completely AGAINST Tori and HER 'abuse' of Sully. PERFECT and THANK YOU!!! We met with Jessica from DCYF again; I really like her. Sully was VERY verbal all on his own about things that occurred; I was SO proud of him. Of course, Ken got brought up. I let her know exactly what the deal was with that... All the 'coaching' that was done by Tori and Michele, and Josh backed me up. Despite ALL the 'nastiness' and 'threats' that were done and made TO me, ABOUT me and mine... I will NOT be a part of anything unjust; it's NOT how I live MY life. Just one slight 'indication' of anything, and there could've and would've been an investigation. NOT GONNA HAPPEN and I MADE IT CLEAR. Those people are JUST PLAIN EVIL; and thank God, she sees it. It's left at the same... Tori, IF she wants to see Sully... Which WE don't WANT her to... Has SUPERVISED ONLY visitation. She wants us to file for a Parenting Plan through the court. We'll hop on that. She just needs to be wiped out of existence somehow... Anyway...
One of my past residents has been hitting me up a lot lately... I've had a feeling he'd get to it eventually, and SURE ENOUGH... Last night, got down to asking me if I was still with Ken. No, but I don't want to go out with HIM either. Hahaha Nice guy, but DEFINITELY not my type. Hahaha Gotta give him an 'A' for persistence though!!! No matter HOW flat out I say 'No', he keeps coming at me. Hahaha I've been nice about it; was even honest about my reasons why, pretty much. I'm concentrating on myself and my family. That's true... But I just don't want to go out with HIM. If he were someone that 'flipped my flipper', I'd consider it; but he doesn't. Hahaha I knew him, even before here... He liked me THEN, too. It's just a 'No'... I want someone that REALLY has something to offer ME for a change; not someone looking at me because of all that I have to offer... Or because I can 'fix' or 'help' them. I'm SO TIRED of all of that!!! I don't want to BE that for people anymore!!! But ESPECIALLY the MAN in my life!!! Can't I just have someone in my life that DOESN'T 'need' me??? They JUST want to 'be with me'??? JUST because... They enjoy my company, I make them laugh, they think I'm 'adorable'... WHATEVER!!! Just NOT because they 'need' me. I'm EXHAUSTED and DON'T want to be NEEDED so much anymore. I just want to be 'loved and accepted'. Some 'TLC' would be nice, too; for ME!!!! Hahaha I think I deserve it. I'm not gonna just pick up with 'some guy' just because they ask; I never have, and I never will... Even when I know them ahead of time. ESPECIALLY when I know them ahead of time!!! Hahaha That's like a 'Preview' into what you'll GET! Hahaha Yeah, so I'm just a little too 'aware' of THIS guy, I guess. PLUS, he's JUST not 'my type' anyway. NO attraction. If there's no attraction, why bother? I've been down that road where I THOUGHT someone was a 'nice guy', so I TRIED to 'like' him... I wasn't attracted to him. It just didn't work out. If I don't feel that attraction at first... Don't count on it.
OK, Mom... I'm looking at the clock and it's close to time to open. So, I'm gonna close for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Wow, what a WEEK!!! Thank God it's Friday!!! Haha But, don't I say that EVERY week? Haha Yeah, I thought so... Definitely a lot on my plate this week; but at least I have GOOD HELP now!!! And it's SO NICE living like a NORMAL human being again!!! My frig and freezer AREN'T on 'lock down' anymore... Laundry detergent and fabric softener where they BELONG... Toilet paper IN the bathroom instead of my room... The list goes on. I'm just FREE again; FINALLY. It's just so AWESOME, I'm still getting used to it. Haha I'm training Chad, so there's a LOT to learn. He thought this was gonna be SO EASY; he didn't realize there was SO MUCH involved. Haha Oh... People LOVE throwing around that 'FREE RENT' phrase. FREE RENT? REALLY??? Come TRY it and THEN tell me it's FREE rent. Hahahahahahahahaha Chad actually started to get overwhelmed with me JUST showing him the 'Job Check List'. Yeah... There's a LOT more involved than you THOUGHT; it's just not DAILY, that's all. But we're ON CALL 24/7, and everyone around here THINKS we're here to 'serve' them; but we're NOT. Everyone, to include Chad, was under the impression that Jenn just really 'didn't do much'. Hahaha Well, OK... I can kinda give them that, IN A WAY. She DID work her butt off, just not WELL; and her 'Looney-Toon' character did NOT help the situation. Leaving the cart in the hall to make it LOOK like she was working, so she could LEAVE the building... Did she HONESTLY think no one noticed??? Us moving the cart BACK to where it belonged WHILE she was out of the building WASN'T a big enough CLUE that we DID??? Haha I don't know... She did SO much to SO many people around here; ME more than anyone... I really can't be sad or upset at her absence; I just 'feel' for her situation. Regardless of ANYTHING and EVERYTHING... She's still a human being that so obviously ALL along the way has needed 'help'. She wouldn't accept anything from me that I offered, except my vitamins and occasionally something to eat. Other than that, I guess it wasn't 'acceptable' from ME unless she 'took' it on her OWN accord; basically meaning that she 'stole' it from me... Because LORD knows, she ROBBED me blind. Hahaha I had to go out and buy ALL kinds of NEW stuff, she stole so much from me. I guess, in the long run, it worked out OK. I LOVE my NEW bowls and stuff. Hahaha
When I talked to the hospital yesterday, they told me to do whatever we needed to do to 'clean out' Jenn and her stuff; to just get her packed up and let them know. They're going to assign her a 'Guardian' since she doesn't have anyone, and they're still not sure where any of this is going. I'm SO glad they do things like that; I feel like my prayers have been answered. She's not and won't be alone... So, I'll notify Sarah of that today. Hopefully, she'll LET me and Chad do her room so that maybe... JUST maybe, I can even recover some of my stuff. I have NO interest in anything of HERS; I'd just like MINE back. Maybe NOT even ALL of it... But I saw, for instance, one of YOUR baskets in there, Mom; RIGHT behind the door, and pointed it out to Sarah. I'd like to have THAT back. Anyway, we can get done what's already on our plate, then hit that room to prepare it for Chad. Today is Friday; my busiest day of the week... I DO have a lot going on today, even ABOVE normal. I have an appointment coming around noon today; I need to go up and finish #219... Tonight AFTER work, I want Blayze to take me shopping to get some food I need. I can definitely tell when my potassium is low... I asked them when I was in the hospital last time if my 'head in the clouds' was an indication; it messes with my vision, and even my eyes LOOK messed up. They said DEFINITELY. I've noticed that when I EAT or DRINK something high in potassium, it goes away. So, I need to get, even some drinks I can use for when I'm NOT hungry. Coconut milk is VERY high in potassium; so is yogurt. I can make smoothies... Bananas, of course. I'll look at the drink mix the boys told me about; you just mix with milk. It's an instant breakfast drink, so it's a 'meal replacement'; that should help. I've gotta do this and take care of this... I don't want to end up with worse issues.
Mom and Dad have been on my mind pretty heavy; I've been wanting to call, but have been SO busy. When people are on my mind so much, there's usually a reason; or if I see certain 'signs'. I've seen certain signs, too, but they're usually tied to Ken; but of course, they are HIS parents. Then the topper of the signs... I got a text yesterday from Evision Eyecare saying that Ken's glasses were ready for pickup. Hahaha Yeah... It was time to call. When that happened, I had literally just plunked my butt down after a hell of a day (so far); it wasn't over YET, either. I called; Caroline answered, sounding JUST like Mom. Hahaha Anyway... I talked to Mom later on; Dad's not doing so well. NOT what I wanted to hear; unfortunately, what I expected though. Emotionally, Mom's not doing so hot either. She said she wanted to call me SO many times. I asked her why she didn't... Because I'm so busy. NOT too busy for HER. Dad's not eating, having severe incontinence issues... Oh, Dad... I want to get over to see him. Mom said Ken's been helping him; I'm SO glad. That's one thing I can definitely give Ken credit for; he LOVES his Dad. Like you're MY 'Hero' in life, Mom... Dad is Ken's. It's gonna be... Just absolute HELL on Ken when Dad goes; and I empathize. I just hope HE'S OK when all is said and done. As 'horrible' as Ken is and can be... He has this other side; this wonderful side... The one I fell in love with. It's the side of him that I WISH made him up as a WHOLE person, and not just part. If he could turn himself into THAT person, at least 95% of the time... We would've made it; as long as those OTHER 'bad habits' made THEIR way out of the picture. I'm a pretty patient person... I'm not even the 'typical' Aries. I could've tolerated SOME of the 'mood swings'; just not at the level HE was at, where they were SO CONSTANT and he accepts NO responsibility. Mean, vicious and just plain abusive. I also can't tolerate being lied to, cheated on and stolen from. What I NEED in my life is people I can TRUST and DEPEND on. Not people that are just going to constantly 'take' from me whatever it is that I have to offer, then not 'give' in return; but also 'TAKE' from me the credit I deserve, degrade me, condescend to me and pummel me into the ground because they feel 'challenged' in some way about themselves. I guess I've boiled it down to, from NOW ON... Someone wants a 'place' in MY life; what is it that YOU have to offer ME? Because I know what I have to bring to the table; and frankly, I'M not afraid to eat ALONE. ;-) I should've had that philosophy my ENTIRE life; it would've saved me a WHOLE lot of... Well, EVERYTHING. Hahaha But anyway... Back to Mom, Dad and Ken... I'm so glad that Ken is there to help Mom with Dad. The condition Michael is in and HAS been; he's USELESS. He's more of a HINDRANCE. I just don't know what to think about Michael... Can I or CAN'T I believe that he got BACK involved with hard drugs...? SO STUPID!!! EVERYTHING that family is GOING through, and he chooses NOW??? NO time is good... But NOW??? Damn him to HELL... First, he brings in a bunch of low life 'undesirables' to LIVE there, when what Dad WANTS is his APARTMENT to HIMSELF and HIS FAMILY; and WHY shouldn't he HAVE it that way??? The man, God help me, is dying. What would YOU want??? I love Mom... GOD KNOWS, I LOVE THAT FAMILY!!! Even Ken, God help me. Haha I still care, and always will what happens to him. But GET those LOSERS OUT OF THERE!!! BREATHE!!! I bet you'll find there's MORE air to breathe, Dad will be at least a LITTLE happier, even in his 'misery'... You'll ALL be just a little 'emotionally' better settled. I know Mary isn't really a 'problem'; but she IS another 'body' in your space. Hopefully, that apartment will come available soon. But Steve and Caroline??? Buh-BYE, NOW!!! Don't let the DOOR KNOB HIT YA, where the GOOD LORD SPLIT YA!!! HOW many MONTHS has it been now??? Yeah... Stick your FOOT up their AS-ES, and get them the HELL OUT. They DON'T pay rent, they STEAL from you... WHAT is it gonna take??? If it were ME... GONE LONG AGO.
Anyway... I can only say or do so much. But now, I gotta get ready for my day; I have a TON to do. I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom. Yup, it’s another one of THOSE mornings; where I just can’t sleep… My mind just won’t stop. Hahaha It’s just been so eventful around here lately, to say the least. Yesterday kept me hopping, literally ALL DAY. 2 evictions in the morning with the Sherriff; and, of course, one of them being Lorie… THAT got dragged out for as long as she possibly could. It was supposed to happen at 10:00 am. That’s it. 10:00 AM. PERIOD. But of course, we all know LORIE… ‘Drama Queen Galore’. It wasn’t going down easy, and neither was she. She pulled the whole ‘Man with Dementia’ act. Chad was with me, and while she was in the apartment doing whatever it was she was doing… Chad and I filled the two Sherriff’s IN on ‘The TRUTH about Lorie’ and the ‘So called Man with Dementia’. Hahaha They laughed and got a BIG KICK out of all of it. Haha But they appreciated the TRUTH because it helped them make the decisions they needed to make concerning the situation; and I had paperwork PLUS to back up anything I said. Lorie was given until 12:30 to provide PROOF of what SHE was saying; they would come back. If she didn’t have proof IN HAND, she would have to leave. Long story short, she had to leave. She had been blowing up my phone ALL morning, to include that time the Sherriff’s gave her to provide proof. She was actually trying to get me to say something that I DIDN’T… And I actually have PROOF in my Facebook Messenger; I didn’t answer her ON PURPOSE when she told me she wasn’t paying rent until the 3rd of February, because I KNEW that the plan was to file the Writ of Possession. She was trying to get me to say that I told her she was “all set” when she informed me; but I didn’t… Deliberately. EVERY move I made with her throughout the month was very careful and basically ‘calculated’. Even the letter she requested from me; I gave her BASICALLY what she wanted… But not exactly. It’s ALL in the wording, and I’ve noticed that Lorie doesn’t understand what she reads. I made sure that the letter I provided for her gave her what she needed on a very BASIC level; but informed that her rent was ONLY PAID UP until a CERTAIN date. Even Bob said when he saw the letter that it was “Perfect”. It’s ALL in the wording… My Life’s Motto: Watch, Listen and Learn. It’s amazing what you WILL see, hear and learn in the process; whether about others, life lessons… Just whatever. Anyway, yesterday was VERY eventful; but at least Lorie is FINALLY OUT. Drama, drama, DRAMA!!! You should see the messages she wrote me while she was mad, and the voice mails too. Hahaha Hey… I did my JOB. Had SHE done HERS by looking out for and taking care of her FATHER by putting HIM FIRST; we wouldn’t be here today. I put my own life on hold to take care of you full time the last couple years of your life… And I wouldn’t have had it ANY other way. NO ONE could’ve taken BETTER care of you than ME; and I’d say THAT was proven time and again. Every time you went to the hospital, you GOT sick. Hahaha Sorry, not to laugh… But aren’t THEY supposed to MAKE you better??? Hahaha It was always ME that made and kept you well; and I was HAPPY to do it. YOU sacrificed YOUR life for ME; it was the least I could do. Lorie should have the SAME attitude about HER sweet Father; he’s SUCH a dear… It’s mainly out of my hands; but from what I was told yesterday, there may be ONE thing I can do. Help me out there, Mom.
Jenn… I talked to the hospital a little yesterday. They asked for her ID to see if maybe THEY could do some sort of research to find ANYONE. I faxed it over to them. I asked how she was; she’s still not GOOD, but she was a LITTLE better than before. The prognosis still doesn’t look good though. I pray that whatever is BEST for her… Jenn doesn’t have anything or anyone; how sad is that? She’s in the hospital, and NO ONE is THERE for her. I even thought about going… But she HATES me. What good would THAT do? I just feel that NO ONE should be alone like that… It’s so miserable when you’re even just in the hospital for a SHORT time by yourself. Believe me; I know… It’s so much nicer when you have someone there for support, or whatever. I was ALWAYS there for you, Mom; and of course, my boys. Me… I’m usually alone… And it sucks. I get dropped off at the door. Anyway… I just have mixed feelings about the whole thing; I don’t know how she’d react if I showed up there. Here, she HAD to deal with me. Hahaha I guess I’ll just keep praying for her…
I had quite the experience the other day; it kinda bothered me. A guy was flirting with me and went to grab me. Well… I reacted, subconsciously, because I really didn’t WANT him to… And somehow, between him GOING to grab me and me backing up… We ended up on the floor; me, FLAT on my back and him RIGHT on top of me. Stuff in the hallway/pantry went flying… I’m still feeling it. Hahaha In all honesty, I don’t even KNOW what happened between HIM going to grab me and me stepping back… And ending up on the floor; the ‘in between’ is BLANK to me. What bothers me is everything on MY end of it; I thought I was beyond all of this… And I’m RIGHT BACK to ‘sudden reactions’ coupled with ‘blackouts’. These are triggered by abuse. I worked SO LONG and HARD to rid myself of all of that… Now I’m BACK to it and I don’t even know what to think, feel… Because I don’t want to be THAT ‘Broken’ anymore; I worked SO hard… And I want to have SOMETHING in my life; I just want to be able to ‘pick and choose’ WHO. I’ve never liked it when guys were THAT ‘aggressive’ with me; but I also know how to handle myself APPROPRIATELY… NOT BLACKOUT and REACT. Help me out here, Mom… It’s back to ‘self-counseling’ again; like I have TIME. Like I EVER have time for me… I guess I’ll have to utilize all that time that my brain DOESN’T stop; like at 2:00 and 3:00 AM and I decide to come in here with my coffee. Hahaha It’s about the ONLY time I get to myself, you know. That’s why I actually DON’T mind getting up at these times, for the most part. BECAUSE it gives me time with you in here, some time for ME… Some actual peace and quiet for a change. Like right now, here it is going on 6:00 AM and I’ve already been up for 3 hours. Hahaha That’s INSANE!!! I should be getting UP now. Haha Oh well, it IS what it is…
Luke’s been coming by a lot. I know he likes that Ken’s not around, but it still doesn’t change anything. Haha He can flirt all he wants, I really don’t care. Well… As long as he keeps it to a minimum, I should say. ‘Friends’ is as far as that relationship will ever go. It’ll kill him when I DO find someone I’m actually interested in. Hahaha But it’s not like I’m not straight up and honest with him; I always have been. WE’RE FRIENDS. Hahaha There have been a few that have shown me ‘interest’; but nothing that I’M interested in. Help me out here, Mom, would ya?! Hahaha A little ‘Divine Intervention’ wouldn’t hurt… Hahaha I got my insurance card for the gym coverage. THAT would be a good way to meet guys. Hahaha There are ALWAYS men at the gym… I’ll buy some sneakers this month and start looking into going. I’ve been looking forward to this for a LONG time. I’m also gonna start looking into my license, and then a vehicle. I’m sick of not being able to get around on my own. I got some interesting and GOOD advice from someone, so I’m gonna give that a shot.
OK, Mom, I guess I’m gonna go take a shower and get ready for the day. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3"
"Hi, Mom... Well, I spoke with someone at the hospital today, at great length; things don't look good for Jenn. Apparently, she's actually been 'sick' for a long time. Thinking about it, she gets sick quite often and just tries to blame it ON things, people, or ME. It's actually very sad... As annoying as she's been to me these last 3 years, this isn't how I intended for her to 'exit'. Horrible thing is, I actually saw something about it in the cards; I was praying it was ONLY an 'ending' and not death... But the 9 AND 10 of Swords came up with the Death card; my immediate thought was, "Well, THAT can't be good." However, it continued on to a 'happier' situation for ME. Great... Yeah, overall, I get what I've wanted; just not HOW. I know I'M not 'responsible'... The ironic thing is that before she even went to the hospital, someone told me that there were rumors going around (spread by JENN) that I was trying to kill her. Hahahahaha Oh my LORD, how RIDICULOUS!!!! I've NEVER hurt ANYONE in my LIFE; especially not like THAT. If I were ever gonna 'kill' ANYONE, I'm pretty sure it would've been an ex. Hahahaha But I'm NOT the 'murdering' TYPE. Anyway... Sarah and I are gonna go through her room tomorrow to see if we can find any pertinent info on her, like relatives. THAT should be fun... I'll probably find some of my stuff. Hahahaha
Josh is staying with me for a bit; he FINALLY had enough of Tori and her CRAP. She's FULL BLOWN like she was when I did the 'Rescue Mission' 3 years ago. How she treats Sully is completely UNACCEPTABLE, and it gets BACK to ME. Josh at least doesn't let her get away with it like he USED to; he stands up to her. But the cops were called the other night ON HER because of HOW she was yelling AT Sully; she found out they were called, so she took off and left Josh and Sully there. Josh told me he was SO SICK of it all, he didn't protect her like he usually does. He told the cop EVERYTHING. I said, "GOOD!!!" It's ABOUT TIME; so now there's an actual Police Report. That was the FINAL straw. He packed up his stuff, waited for her to pass out, called me and I had Blayze go grab them. NEVER AGAIN. I think and HOPE that SEVEN YEARS is LONG enough of her INSANITY and abuse. Blayze and I made it CLEAR... NO MORE.
As I go along, I've come across more things missing that just shouldn't be; like my package of razors. Hahaha I went to get one today and it was just... Hahaha Wow... Just amazes me the things I discover as I go; some things missing... Other things, I just need to get rid of. So, I'm just gathering things together in a bag in one area; other things, I'll decide what to do with later. Some stuff, I'll keep as memorabilia; other stuff, I'll dispose of, as I have some other things. It just depends...
OK, Mom... Well, Blayze brought home and COOKED us some FRESH FISH that his boss caught and gave him!!! So, that's what WE'RE having for dinner!!! Along with some yummy veges I made with a ham dinner last night. So, I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... I'm SO EXCITED!!! Things are FINALLY in the works where Jen will no longer be a problem in my life. I noticed an awful odor coming from her room yesterday. Well, this morning when I opened my bedroom door, it SLAPPED me across the face, it was so pungent. It smelled like rotten meat or death, it was so bad. I texted Sarah. I wasn't living with THAT. She hadn't even come out of the room to use the bathroom; and the PROOF of that was IN the room after she was taken to the hospital. She was using MY white bowl as a 'toilet' with a towel in it to absorb the urine. Yeah, THAT got thrown out. Sarah kept gagging; I felt so bad for her... Saw some other stuff in her room that was obviously stolen from ME, and I pointed them out to Sarah. It's ALL settled, THANK GOD. Sarah has a heart... We're not throwing her out onto the streets. Even when she gets back from the hospital, she'll be given a SPECIFIC amount of time to find another job and place to live. Sarah took my suggestion and we've already hired someone else for the position, which will give me FULL coverage for housekeeping AND maintenance. I'M THRILLED!!! NO MORE having to HIDE my laundry detergent and fabric softener; or keeping my toilet paper in my room... Locking up my supplies... The way I've HAD to live around here BECAUSE of her because they THOUGHT she cleaned a good toilet has been MISERABLE. This new arrangement will be a LOT more tolerable and livable. I can't WAIT until SHE'S COMPLETELY gone from here and I NEVER have to deal with her again. She's been more than a thorn in my side... Anyway, things ARE in motion.
I've been hearing this song, even when Ken and I were together, that I used to think to myself when I heard JUST certain parts, "Yeah... Man, do I wish THAT." You know the stages of break up, even when you KNOW that it's over and you don't want THAT person back; you go through 'emotions'. I don't really miss KEN; but I DO miss ALL that I HAD WITH him when things were good. So, I guess I DO miss him, too in ways I guess; because the memories 'surround' him. Anyway, this song is called "Better Man" by Little Big Town. I REALLY paid attention to the lyrics today to the point I had to pull it up on YouTube WITH the lyrics. I sat there and bawled... The lyrics couldn't have been MORE perfect.
I know I'm probably better off on my own,
Than lovin' a man who didn't know what he had when he had it.
And I see the permanent damage you did to me;
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic.
I wish it wasn't 4 am, standing in the mirror, saying to myself,
You know you had to do it.
I know the bravest thing I ever did was run.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again.
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man.
And I know why we had to say goodbye,
Like the back of my hand.
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man.
A better man,
A Better man.
I know I'm probably better off all alone,
Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute.
And it's always on your terms.
I'm hanging on every careless word;
Hoping it might turn sweet again,
Like it was in the beginning.
But your jealousy, I can hear it now;
You're talking down to me like I'll always be around.
You push my love away like it's some kind of loaded gun;
Boy, you never thought I'd run.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again.
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man.
And I know why we had to say goodbye,
Like the back of my hand.
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man.
A better man,
I hold onto this pride, because these days it's all I have.
And I gave you my best and we both know, you can't say that.
You can't say that.
I wish you were a better man.
I wonder what we would've become,
If you were a better man.
We might still be in love,
If you were a better man.
You would've been the one,
If you were a better man.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again.
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man.
And I know why we had to say goodbye,
Like the back of my hand.
And I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man.
We might still be in love, if you were a better man.
The words are SO fitting of how I feel. We'd still be happy and in love if HE were just a 'Better Man'; NOT 'Peter Pan'. He always admitted when he wasn't being a jerk that I WAS a good girlfriend. One of the things he always loved about me was that I was 'wifey'. I CAN'T be all those awful, horrible things he says when he's angry at me... Anyway. SOOOOO many songs to the 'Ken and Wylene Medley'... Hahahaha I should still put that together; what the heck. They're all good songs. I know this is a weird thought, and NOT even any of my business... But I just hope that Candy wasn't foolish enough to give it another shot with him. She seems 'gullible' enough. Lord knows, I was his fool, too... I REALLY fell in love with him. As I said throughout our entire relationship, "God help me". Hahaha But, I'M smart. Despite what he pulled or was doing... I knew; even though he denied it and thought he was getting away with it, and I guess BASICALLY, he did; because I repeatedly 'allowed' him to use and abuse me... Out of 'love'. God, we had such a SICK and TWISTED, so called 'relationship'... But we DID love each other; there's NO doubt about THAT. Anyway, Candy ISN'T 'smart' in the same way; she's not 'intuitive' like I am... A lot of people aren't. Pretty much one of the reasons MY life is SO difficult, and I need to LEARN to just SHUT the HELL up. Hahahaha I know what I KNOW, and perhaps OTHERS just don't need to be 'privey' to the information anymore. When the 'shit hits the fan', so to speak; I can sit back, PREPARED, while everyone ELSE scrambles. Hahahaha I'll include those that 'have the faith' in me, such as my boys. As for others... Too bad, SO sad. My actions over the years should have been MORE than enough proof; to include things I've said PRIOR to an occurrence that HAPPENED on MORE than several occasions... It's called 'Proof in the pudding'. ;-) I've even written stuff and been proven to be right AFTER the fact. It is what it is... People have a hard time believing in what they can't see or touch. I get that. But how MUCH do you have to prove yourself over how MUCH time? Anyway...
OK, Mom... I guess that's it for tonight. Things are moving along, thank God. So now, we need to work on a little something for me, personally. I'm bored... Hahaha I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom… I actually wrote you yesterday, but I'm writing you on my phone and things happened… I lost it all, of course. Haha I had written quite a bit, too. Something as simple as it rang, which it did several times, no problem… But then all of a sudden, the page decided to refresh itself; just like on the computer. So, I'm doing what I do on the computer sometimes… I do two different things, actually. But anyway…
I was telling you about Jen; hopefully she's on her last leg here. She literally hasn't worked in two weeks, and has been sick since before New Year's. It gets better though… Haha Sarah and Tyson were here the other day and there was obviously no more hiding that she hadn't been doing her job. I said to Sarah that I was thinking about going and getting her things to help her feel better; she was obviously dehydrated and was NOT gonna go to the hospital or see a doctor. Sarah looked RIGHT AT me and said, “Oh really? Even though YOU'RE the one that's responsible for her BEING SICK because of your HAIRSPRAY?” I looked at her and said, “WHAT??? WTH??? Well, she can go screw herself then.” Sarah laughed… Haha Yeah. It's MINE and my ALL NATURAL HAIR PRODUCTS fault, that I use 2-3 times per week; that's why she's sick for a month. Haha I just nearly died when she said that. So, then it was time for FULL DISCLOSURE. I told Sarah JUST how long she had been sick, and that there were OTHER days besides those weeks. We're at week 2 NOW. Sarah's feeling on it was basically that she's just taking up space in that room if she's not working. She understands she's sick, but she's ALSO NOT willing to HELP herself and DO something about it. Hell… Sarah doesn't even KNOW if I'm ill unless I call her from the hospital because I was ADMITTED. Haha She says things to me like, “You know… You can let me know, and I'll come cover for you.” She told me it's “impressive, but unnecessary” for me to push myself when I'm ill. I've at least been fortunate to have had Blayze and Ken here these past years to help me. They'd answer the door and screen; handle the things that didn't absolutely need ME. That was always a big help to me and SO appreciated. Also with cleaning of the rooms and such… I've had help, thank God. Lord KNOWS I need it because I already have SO MUCH responsibility on my plate. One person can only handle SO MUCH, and I AM getting older. Haha I'm not the same ‘Miracle Woman’ I used to be. I need naps and pass out early. Haha Anyway, I made a suggestion to Sarah that she liked; so she's gonna discuss it with Tyson. Hopefully, things will change around here REAL soon. I'll have coverage I need AND won't have to live ‘accommodating’ for being stolen from all the time. Any divine intervention would be greatly appreciated. Haha
Luke came by to visit… Putting on a little pressure. Made me feel a little uncomfortable. It wasn't even anything horrible, normal guy stuff. Haha But just enough to make ME feel uncomfortable because HE'S not someone I want to pursue anything with; just friends. I'm definitely feeling ready for SOMETHING… It's getting lonely. Haha But I'm still picky and it won't BE JUST ANYONE. If that were the case, I'd have been with someone as soon as I threw Ken out; or soon thereafter. I'm not like that though… Someone will pop up that piques my interest; eventually. Haha
Well, I guess that's it for today, Mom. My busiest day of the week, though it's been a busy week ALL week. But anyway… I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3"
"Morning, Mom. Yeah, I know it's early. I don't exactly know what's up with me lately. I know my mind is racing with the 50 million thoughts I have going on... I know, or should say found OUT last night that I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed, literally AT 3:00 AM; all of a sudden, my eyes just OPENED. I was like, WTH??? I Turned and looked at the clock, and it was 3:00 on the DOT. Last night, LONG story short, TRUST me haha... Josh contacted me from TORI'S phone, saying he needed to call me; then did. OH, Mom... DAMN Tori; to HELL. HOW we, meaning myself and my boys, AS just regular human beings... Which apparently, we're NOT... Are capable of STILL finding love for someone, desire to help them; when THEY have done NOTHING but HURT US, repeatedly STAB us, over and over... Take from us, but not give in return; it's ALL about THEM... We CAN'T trust them because THEY lie, cheat and steal; JUST to say the LEAST... The list goes on; but WE continue to persevere through it all, believing that if we're JUST us... Maybe, JUST maybe they'll want something BETTER for themselves in life; and CHANGE for the BETTER. HOW foolish are WE??? Anyway... Josh literally said to me that he almost called me at 3:00 in the morning because he was going through HELL; and WHY??? Because of Tori... AGAIN. Another month and a half and she's GONE. I told him that THIS IS IT. He NEEDS to STAY AWAY from her after she leaves this time. He SAYS that's the plan... I can only hope. But THAT would explain why I woke up the WAY I did LAST night at 3:00 AM. I even told him he should've, and if it happens again, DO. I've ALWAYS told my boys NEVER hesitate if they need me. What bothers me is I can't GET to him if need be. I'm gonna work on that. I have an idea...
Last night, we had Ollie's pizza for supper. I've been craving pizza for days, but haven't felt up to making it. Then last night, Sully said, "Meme'. I want pizza." So, that was it. Blayze got home and I said, "How's Ollie's for supper?" He gave his usual pleased facial expression... Haha His original plan was to just go back to his room. Things JUST got a lot better. Haha It was a NICE feeling, being ABLE to do it, to. Usually this time of the month, that would be unheard of. I was able to do it without a worry.
One thing I was thinking about lately though is, I don't have 'a comfort zone' anymore. I was actually talking to Blayze about it... Like JD USED to be my 'comfort zone', but not anymore because he's too interested in getting in my pants. Haha When I needed a place to get away to, or someone just to have hold me or cuddle with... That was JD years ago; my 'comfort zone'. But that is NO longer... I need a new 'comfort zone'. Haha Seriously, I DO, because it does get lonely living the way I do. It's nice to have someone I can TRUST that I can turn to when I need, that doesn't expect anything from me.... They just show me mild affection and give me comfort. I'm good with that. JD used to be great like that. Now... NOW, he's too interested in 'the prize'. I happen to BE 'the prize'. Haha Yeah... No. I don't like being LOOKED AT like that. I don't DRESS to be looked at that way; like a whore. So, I don't expect to be looked at or treated as such. I don't like or want to FEEL that way either. I don't ACT like one. I just want SOMETHING in my life; something trustworthy and comfortable. I know you know what I mean, Mom...
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... Well, today marks your 6th year anniversary. People have been so kind to me today; not that they aren't other days too... Haha One woman brought me dinner ALL made for tonight, because she doesn't want me worrying about it. Haha How SWEET is that??? Because I worry about TOO many people and TOO much, ALL the time she said. Haha She's so nice... Dessert and everything! One of my FAVES... CHEESECAKE!!! YUMMY!!! Just unbelievable... It's been an emotional day, from the get go. Songs play, I see or hear things... I've been teary on and off for a few days; I knew it was coming. Hahaha Always does this time of year. I'm just a BIG ole MUSH MUSH... Hahahaha But anyway...
My brain is in a freeze right now... I know there are things I could tell you; things have happened and so forth. But it's been a long day... I just didn't want to miss out on spending at least some time with you.
So I'm gonna close for now... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Wow, what a week. Haha I actually called Sarah yesterday morning, REALLY on a verge... SO MUCH had just gone awry over the last 2 weeks in my functionality around here, that I was LOSING it. I got her voice mail, probably a good thing, Haha I even told her IN the voice mail that I probably needed a vacation. Hahahaha When she got here, she told me when she listened to it... "Yeah, I think Wylene's losing it a little; I better get over there." Haha I WAS!!! I've had internet issues on and off for a LONG time, and THOSE alone are enough to DRIVE ME CRAZY. Add the printing issues I've been having; EVERY time I need to do something... I CAN'T. I have to 'rigga-ma-roll' it to get it to function. ANNOYING!!! Especially when EVERYTHING SAYS you SHOULD be able to print because you're 'connected' and the printer is SET as your 'default' printer... Etc, etc, ETC. YOU'VE done everything and it's RIGHT; but then you have to shut down JUST to get a print. SHOULDN'T be the case and I'm TIRED of it all. Internet goes in and out ALL the time... I have it... I DON'T. I should JUST HAVE it. Then just MORE and more continued to pile on until I LOST it. Hahaha I'm still not completely functional; but I've got internet and can print. The rest, I've got to wait on until...??? I hear, I guess... Hopefully not long. My Friday the 13th got stretched out a bit, don't you think? Hahaha But anyway...
Sully was SO SICK night before last; he was puking and everything, ALL night long. So, that wasn't a fun night. He's a trooper though; I'll give him that. Kept him home last night, too instead of going with Josh. Things got kind of late with Blayze, and Sully ended up falling asleep; so I'll let him go today and for the night tonight. I'm supposed to be going out tonight... Don't know if I want to go; we'll see. The 'Hounds' are out... Hahaha I've been getting contacted a lot, even by some I DON'T know. I'm just so skeptical, I guess... I was talking with Gina yesterday, and I just really don't WANT anymore, so called 'relationships'; I don't trust them. I'll date or whatever... TALK to men when they approach me; they wanna buy me a drink or whatever. But I'm going HOME ALONE; sorry. Always HAVE, and always WILL. This guy even contacted me on Facebook... He's been sending me little comments, what are called 'stickers', etc. Now, he chatted with me a bit and wants to bring me coffee. Haha I'm really not interested... He said he doesn't live far from me, works at BJ's driving a fork lift... Very nice. The fact that he lives so close is TOO close for comfort. He said he could WALK here in 9 minutes. Hahaha I'll pass... I don't mind making new friends; but frankly... I also don't think I want to meet another guy off of Facebook. It didn't turn out so well the LAST time, did it? ;-) If I meet someone and I'm INTERESTED in getting to know them further; fine. But again, a 'relationship' is NOT what I'm looking for. I don't want to LIVE with anyone anymore or again...
Gina and I talked a lot yesterday about this and I've THOUGHT a lot about this; even before Ken and I broke up. I've talked about it and written about it. What if BECAUSE of who and what I AM... A 'relationship' just ISN'T possible??? I may just have to 'settle' like YOU did, Mom; for that 'special someone' you can spend time with. You LOVE them... They ARE 'your one and only'; you just don't marry or even live together... Like you and Calvin did. It WORKED, didn't it? It's STILL 'a relationship'; just a different agreement between you. You TRUST each other, LOVE each other, spend your time together, do things together... You're a COUPLE; just not in the usual or typical sense. I could never have done any of this with Ken for MULTIPLE reasons; trust being the BIG one... There were MULTIPLE reasons there WASN'T any; HE wasn't trust WORTHY. I'd need a man that I could have the KIND of relationship I HAD with Ken, in the loving sense; but also have what I COULDN'T have with Ken... In every OTHER aspect; and live separately. If I could find like what Gina has... I'd be GOLDEN. Because I do better on my own; even financially. For instance... It's January 21, and I STILL have a decent amount of money IN the bank, CASH ON me (good amount), food STOCKED in my house and refrigerator... Things I usually run out of and have to constantly stock, I haven't had to ONCE. Ken is a 'Money Pit', yet doesn't BRING any money INTO the household. He's just good at SPENDING it. Or stealing it... Yeah, whatever. WRITTEN OFF!!! Just like he is. You can deny all you want, but when things happen ONLY when a certain person IS or WAS around... They got mad at YOU for, say, throwing them out... Money or possessions disappear at THAT time... Yeah, it was THEM. Denial or NOT; it was THEM... And YOU KNOW it. It's OK though... I leave everything up to KARMA and God. There are a LOT of people I wouldn't want to be the day THEY have to face God. People that have actually experienced death and come back to talk about it; tell about the experiences... You actually HAVE to experience what you CAUSE others throughout your LIFETIME; whether it be PAIN or happiness... YOU will experience it. GOOD LUCK!!! Hahaha I've experienced a LOT at the hand of others that I would NOT want to again on that day. Hahaha I've known about that 'Judgement Day' since childhood and read books about it since. Whatever... I just WANTED to live MY life 'right'; I never WANTED to cause others 'pain' or misery. But the Lord KNOWS I've suffered more than my share. Anyway...
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... I figured I'd take a few minutes while Sully's in school to spend time with you. I'm definitely doing a bit better; the chest pains have ceased, so my levels must be back to normal. When I was discharged, they still had SOME regulating to do and I was ordered to bed rest. We know how THAT goes... But I gotta say... People around here MUST be nervous about my health or something; because THIS time when I got back... They pretty much left me alone. Haha They don't want to lose me... :-D
Now... If the functionality around here can improve so I'm not driven INSANE like I have been, we'll be on the road to Golden. My internet just SUCKS. It's DOWN more than it works. It's been down since last week... I can't even PRINT anything. She needs to DO something about it and TODAY, I made it pretty clear. Some EVICTIONS didn't make it out. I DID them... But if I can't PRINT, things can't be DELIVERED. Tyson was in earlier and I told him. Sarah texted me to ask me about them. She said I should've let HER know so SHE could've printed them FOR me. Hmmmm... Yeah. In the past, I have. I NEED to be able to FUNCTION over here and since I BUST MY ASS... Fix MY equipment so I CAN function PROPERLY, and NOT be driven INSANE. Maybe NOW my stuff will be fixed, as it SHOULD'VE been LONG ago. I didn't even do this purposely... Silver lining in the cloud perhaps. Anyway...
Irene came to visit me Sunday night. We had such a nice visit... It was SO nice to see her. Aleta was here a few nights prior... Blayze and I can't WAIT to see the house. Linda, of course is a nightmare. I knew she would be. She moves out; I'LL take that apartment and pay Irene rent... NO PROBLEM. Just me and Sully... I could even get myself a refrigerator to put up there, because Lord knows I can set up my own little cooking section so I don't have to run up and down stairs for every little thing. I've said before that Irene and I will go through life together... I truly don't believe that has changed. We're TWO STRONG Women, and men have what's known as a 'Hero Instinct'. They actually have the NEED to BE needed. Irene and I are both 'Power Women' that don't 'need' men; we're so obviously independent... A 'Damsel in distress' is a HARD part for US to play. However... There ARE times we 'need', but are basically let down, turned down, or even desperately rejected by the ones that mean the MOST to us. THEN what are we to THINK or DO??? Me... I just move on and deal with it on my own like I always have.
Your 6th year anniversary is right around the corner... I have been getting SO 'Spiritually' messed with lately... The things that have been happening are just... Haha NOT funny, but... Funny. My keys... THAT was the clincher for me. JUST INSANE... Anyway... Haha YOU know what I'm talking about. I don't know 'who' is responsible but... It was interesting.
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... So, I've spoken with the team; I'm going home in a little while and all my heart tests came out GOOD... Thank GOD. So, it's apparently my other levels and stress. I leave THAT part out when talking with others because I don't need to hear it. WHAT and HOW can I change ANYTHING that goes on in my life??? God knows I TRY... I guess if it kills me, it kills me. What am I gonna do??? I gotta DO what I've GOTTA do... And THAT'S been proven TIME and again over the years; regardless of WHO'S in my life. So, I guess SO BE IT.
Blayze will be here around 12:15 to wait for my discharge. I'll be glad, believe it or not, to get home. I didn't get JACK for rest last night. Haha Not even one straight hour...
I have SO MUCH I need to get figured out... I have SO MUCH thinking to do. I've gotta find a way to accomplish some things I need and want. Please help me do that, Mom... I so wish you were here to talk things through with. I miss you SO much... I've gotta find a way to better my quality of life since MY life savings... What I refer to as 'my future' went to my kids; especially Josh.
OK, Mom. It's just about noon and they'll be bringing my lunch and meds. So I'll end here for now... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... Well, WHAT a night it's been. Lots of people have been very supportive; that was nice. I finally got results of the chest xray, and they said things looked fine. My potassium level was EXTREMELY low AGAIN; which means that the dose I take EVERY DAY needs to be increased. I've had more blood work tonight; I'll have more at 6:00 am in the morning... It's 1:00 am right now. I just spent the last hour or more messaging with Candy; she contacted me to see how I was doing. We were talking earlier when Blayze came to bring me in and she was concerned. She really is a nice person; at least as far as I can tell. She's been very supportive and kept me company, so to speak, during a rather 'dead' and boring time tonight. I don't have anything to help me sleep... I'm a little tired now, so hopefully I'll be able to go to sleep. So, until tomorrow, Mom... I'll update you on what's going on. Right NOW, what's going on is my RLS is acting up and driving me CRAZY. Anyway...
Until tomorrow, Mom... I'm hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... Still here; still waiting. Only thing I know so far is that my potassium is low AGAIN. I've been trying to keep myself occupied... Playing on my phone; but a person can only DO so much Facebook. I'm pretty sure low potassium can cause my symptoms; but if that's the case, why wasn't I having chest pain when it was SO low before??? I don't know, Mom... It seems like my 50th birthday is RIGHT around the corner, so WHAT; time for MORE of my original parts to wear out??? Warranty UP...??? It's just RIDICULOUS. It's like I reach milestones for ages, and significant THINGS occur. I turn 40; my SIGHT starts going. Now 50, I'm gonna have to start worrying SERIOUSLY about my heart??? I've been a heart attack/stroke risk for years because of blood pressure issues. I've gotten that pretty well under control, but have to constantly maintain. This... THIS will MASSIVELY slow me down, MORE than I already HAVE to.
Mom... WHAT am I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE??? I need answers!!! I'm CONSTANTLY being THROWN between a rock and a hard place, to say the very least. They just came and gave me a MASSIVE dose of potassium. Blayze called, too, to see how things were going. He's worried... I don't know if I'm going home... Staying... I don't know ANYTHING. OK... I'm staying the night... Damn it. They want to keep me for observation in the cardiac unit JUST in case. Gotta call Blayze...
Well... At least there's ONE answer. Love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Wow, Mom... I had Blayze bring me to River's Edge Urgent Care because I've been having chest/lung pain all week; and EVERYBODY around me is sick with the flu, pneumonia... I was popping Echinacea all week, but it didn't help at all; that's when I KNEW I was screwed. It always helps me... I woke up this morning, it was so much worse. So, I decided to come get checked.
Well, now I'm waiting to be transferred to Elliot Hospital because they don't think I'm 'sick'. They want to check my heart... Wanna talk a RUDE SLAP across my face??? Woke ME right up. She continued talking about "with my family history of heart trouble and disease... " WTH???!!! I came to get checked, and LEAVE with some ANTI-BIOTICS!!! I even SAID that to her... What a RUDE awakening this was for me.
I'm here at the Elliot; I just had my chest x- ray... Now it's a waiting game. I hate hospitals; I have such PTSD because of everything I went through with you. I especially hate going through everything alone... I'm so glad I was always there for you, Mom. I don't have a me... Blayze hates hospitals, too but you'd think... I don't know. I just hope I'm not here long. My original thought for coming was to get anti-biotics... GOD!!! Please wake me up... Divine intervention, Mom... Divine intervention, please."
"Morning, Mom… Wow, it’s already Friday… As usual, the week just cruised by. That has always been one thing about this place; time and the weeks have always flown by. The weekend too, unfortunately… But it is what it is. It gets me through and by; and in actuality… Pretty well, all in all; as long as there’s no one around to take advantage of me. There’s an entire building that does that… Hahaha But I mean, within my own unit. I’ve actually been doing a lot of thinking ABOUT that; even before I threw Ken out. Do I really want to get tied down financially with OTHER PEOPLE??? Even (and especially) my own boys? Somehow, I feel like it would END UP being MY main responsibility. Problems would arise that I would have to FIND a way to cover or we’d lose our house. I don’t want to end up in that predicament… I just don’t feel they’re ready yet and I’m sorry; as MUCH as I love them, want them to have something when I’m gone… Even NOW. I have ALREADY sacrificed SO MUCH of MY LIFE and STILL AM for them… As a Mother does… But they are ADULTS now, and I’m STILL doing it to raise Sully. I’ve never HAD a life of my own, and I’m apparently never GOING to have one. 14 more years, Sully will be 18; I’ll be 64… Basically a foot in the grave. Oh my GOD… Even I hadn’t thought about it with a concept THAT gruesome until now. Hahahaha I knew I was gonna be UP there and MUCH older… But THAT definitely puts a WHOLE NEW spin on it, doesn’t it? Oh well… It’s not like my life has been anything WONDERFUL up to this point anyway; so what’s the difference?
Sarah was here yesterday, and WE were talking, and I brought this up a little… I said to her I felt I was just gonna forget about the whole ‘house’ thing for now; it’s not like I ever have TIME for ‘me’ ANYWAY to GET anything done. Hahaha She laughed because she saw how many people kept coming and going in the time she was here, and that it had NOTHING to do with ‘Edmond’ business. She said, “Yeah, you DO have a LOT of responsibility.” Thank you. I’m SO glad she got to witness a portion of it. When I said to her I was putting it on hold… You should’ve seen her face light up and the BIG smile… Hahaha Then she said, “Well, THAT would work out GREAT for ME if you just stayed HERE forever.” And she laughed. Well, raising Sully… You never know; that just might be the case at this point. Is it what I WANT??? No. If it’s what I DO, it will be yet another sacrifice made in order to accomplish what’s NECESSARY, rather than what I WANT. Story of my life… Why stop now?
Today is Friday 13… Day of bad luck; something always DOES happen to me on this day. Well… Hopefully what JUST happened will be IT because it ROYALLY TICKED me off. One year, my Mercedes was stolen for 4 days and had $4300 worth of damage done to it. Pretty significant… What happens usually IS, in one way or another. It either affects me monetarily or emotionally; or BOTH, for that matter. For an occurrence at Edmond for this morning, I’ve had a ‘wrist slasher’; one of my new residents. Older woman in her 50-60’s range… She and her son moved in less than a month ago, and the ambulance has been here 4 times for her; once just because she was drunk, sitting completely catatonically in the hallway on the 2nd floor. I hope they settle down or I may have to do something about them.
All week, I’ve been with Cassandra… She and Angel are going through a hard time. I THINK it’s because he’s ‘sick’ right now; going down so significantly on his dose. He and Ken are SO much alike in WAYS… And she loves him SO much and Angel feels he doesn’t deserve HER, is what I’M getting. A similar ‘Ken & Wylene’ story… He’s ‘the guy with the girl’ that other guys WANT, but CAN’T HAVE… Cassandra and I are different ‘types’ of women, but SHE does for him things like I did for Ken, and he takes the credit from her, too. Why? Because HE feels HE’S “a piece of shit” and ALL the other things I’ve heard him say over the last 2 years… And HE doesn’t ‘deserve’ her. He needs to get through his illness BEFORE he can deal with ANY other emotional stuff; I told her to let him get through it. Not promising things will be different, but he NEEDS at least that… Because what I’m HEARING are the same old things; and HE’S SICK right now. There isn’t gonna be ANY talking ‘reason’ with him. Even when Angel talks to me about everything; I get the same impression… He’s SO full of anger right now; but why? And at who? Really? Himself… That’s who. That he even has to experience any of what he’s going through… He wonders WHAT he EVER DID to DESERVE ALL that he’s gone through in his life, and at the HAND of EVERYONE that ‘slung the shit’ his way. Why would his OWN Mother NOT want him, love him, care for him… The ONE person in this world he SHOULD be able to TRUST and depend on; the WHOLE reason he HAS ‘trust issues’ in the first place. How SAD is that? I’m SO glad that MY boys [now] know who and what they have and HAVE had in ME as a Mother… The outcome may not always be what we WANTED; but no matter WHAT… WE SURVIVE; and on our OWN. NOT at the expense of OTHERS, screwing others over, robbing others, lying, cheating and stealing. On our OWN means and methods. Truthfully and honestly. My history speaks for itself… And so does theirs, even since THEY’VE been adults. THEY are SURVIVORS.
Anyway… I keep getting interrupted so I guess that’s it for now, Mom. I’ll get back in here when I can. I’m gonna go get dressed for the day. I never know when someone will just drop by. Luke came by and brought lunch the other day; it was nice. We visited for a few hours… He mentioned getting together this weekend. We’ll see… Hahahaha Meanwhile, I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3"
"Morning, Mom… I’m SO sorry that it’s been SO long since I’ve written; but you’ve seen all that’s been going on down here… Obviously. BOY, do I need to get Cassandra down here to do my nails; it’s REALLY hard to type. Hahaha Anyway… I’ve been wanting to come spend time with you, it’s just that ‘TIME’ hasn’t allowed it. I’ve been busy with the usual AND getting my house BACK in order. Christmas time, I got these purple colored bins; different sizes and shapes. I’ve begun to utilize them. I re-organized the top shelf in my closet… The left SIDE of my closet… Beside Sully’s drawers… The white drawers that we found, now have Sully’s clothes in them… Cleaned what’s BEEN bothering me near my TV, and set my PERSONAL files up in a rack near my couch… Etc, etc, etc. I’ve gotten A LOT done; like I USUALLY do when Ken and I part. It’s just a fact that he ‘holds me back and down’. Everybody sees it, and the things that have been said TO me by people, such as Tyson… They’ve really opened my eyes; not that KEN hasn’t opened them more himself. When I realized that it’s going on 2 weeks since I threw him out, I was shocked; because I just SO DON’T CARE!!! I’m SO MUCH happier WITHOUT him… And again; so OBVIOUSLY apparent to EVERYONE else. Tyson came in today and FLAT OUT asked me, “So, is Ken around?” I said, “No.” He said, “I can actually tell JUST by the way you’re ACTING because you’re SO MUCH HAPPIER. When HE’S around, you’re SO different. You’re like a BROKEN WOMAN.” Wow… JUST WOW. A “Broken Woman”. THAT’S what HE said; he used THOSE words… “A Broken Woman”. Because THAT’S WHAT I AM when Ken’s around: BROKEN!!! He CONSTANTLY BEATS me down, PUTS me down, I can’t finish a sentence… NOTHING I suggest to “fix” ANY of his problems is GOOD enough, just simply because it’s MY suggestion; even though I’M the one HE drops EVERYTHING ON and expects to DO everything FOR him (just like everyone else)… I’m just SO TIRED of the ENTIRE ‘Roller Coaster ride’; it’s PATHETIC. Then he turns it ALL around on ME because I don’t WANT to be with him and do it anymore; and BECAUSE he gets MORE abusive, starts throwing stuff, breaking stuff, damaging the property… THE WHOLE NINE YARDS… And WON’T leave… He just EXPECTS ME to LIVE IN HIS HELL… SORRY, but NO… I call Angel to come down to PREVENT anything further from happening and to MAKE him LEAVE. I NEED PROTECTION because I’M NOT GOING TO LIVE MY OLD LIFE ANYMORE. I DESERVE BETTER. And the TRUTH is… I KNOW that what HE wants to happen IS for ME to HIT HIM so HE can call the police and I’LL get arrested; just like what he TRIED to cause when he GOT me PULLED OVER when he PUT me in a position to drive for him when I COULDN’T and SHOULDN’T have. I didn’t, thank GOD and YOU, My Blessed Mother… And probably even MY rapport WITH the local PD’s; he just let me park it at home and gave me a ticket that I SHOULDN’T have gotten in the FIRST place. I wouldn’t have driven otherwise… I ALSO was FINE in the predicament UNTIL KEN STARTLED ME with a POLICE OFFICER RIGHT BEHIND ME and we BOTH KNEW IT. He caused me to get pulled over in HOPES I would get arrested. I knew it THEN and I know it EVEN MORE NOW.
This last ‘confrontation’ proved something to me though. I’ve done a LOT of ‘self-work’ over the last several years. With ALL I’ve been through and HAD to do to protect myself and the boys… I’ve paid a price; an emotional AND physical price. But NOW, I CAN be faced with a situation where I am SO ENRAGED that I WANT to PUMMEL someone INTO THE GROUND… And NOT DO IT. NOT lay a hand on them. I MAINTAINED ‘self-control’ throughout the ENTIRE incident, REGARDLESS of how bad I wanted to fight him. Even in my earlier 40’s, that wouldn’t have been the case; so, I HAVE made ‘self-accomplishment’ in my own awareness; and that’s GOOD. I AM an ABUSE SURVIVOR; and I REFUSE to be in a, so called ‘relationship’ where I am CONSTANTLY DEFENDING myself in ANY way, shape or form. With Ken; I was… CONSTANTLY. WHY??? Because of WHO and WHAT I AM? For the morals, standards and values I have that HE cannot REACH??? HE beats ME DOWN so that HE can FEEL ABOVE me. How do you feel NOW, KEN? It must be horrible for you when your ‘charm’ DOESN’T work on a woman. So, just give up on me and go back to your old ways; it’s what YOU do best. Not that you EVER ‘gave it up’. I just feel bad for them; even women not of my statute don’t deserve what YOU have to offer. You, frankly should just stick with ‘your own kind’… But you won’t; because that’s not your MO. YOU find women that HAVE something to offer YOU… Then sponge OFF of them. I should’ve listened to my instincts LONG ago; even when I saw that ‘Devil in Blue Jeans’ smiling, standing in front of me. I was going through so much at the time… But I SHOULD’VE listened to my gut, AS usual… NOW I’m paying, and HAVE paid DEARLY along the way; even for things you’ve never admitted to… But I know. Again; the prices I pay for my own stupidity and fool-hearted foolishness... Especially when I KNOW what I’m getting myself into, and do it anyway; and for WHAT, LOVE??? Ha. At least this time, he’s MADE me hate him so much, the ‘Point of NO RETURN’ has NO U-TURN. THAT’S for SURE this time. I already ‘wasted’ 3 years… SO underserved. I’m not going to ‘waste’ anymore undeserved energy on him either… Just as I apparently EFFORTLESSLY haven’t been for the last TWO WEEKS. I didn’t even realize it had been almost 2 weeks until HE kept pointing it out. Hahahaha I looked at Blayze and said, “Wow. I threw Ken out on New Year’s. It HAS been almost 2 weeks.” I’ve just been SO FINE and getting SO MUCH accomplished… I’m more MYSELF; regardless of pain. Ken even put me down about THAT. WHATEVER… I ‘JUST DO IT’ like YOU raised me to do.
He thinks I don’t know when he says or does things… When he’s ‘being charming’, he’s JUST TRYING to ‘be nice’ to get on ‘my good side’ to worm his way back in. He’ll SAY what he THINKS I WANT to hear… But in REALITY, I don’t give a shit anymore; pardon my French, but I AM French. Once he realizes I’m not responding the way HE wants and/or anticipated or planned, he turns into THE ASSHOLE; starts putting me down, making threats and calling me names. Oh… But by the way… This MAN I’m talking about… Is the MAN that’s “IN LOVE” WITH ME; wants to “MARRY” ME and spend the “REST of [his] LIFE” WITH ME; CLAIMS he wants to “take CARE” of me… ALL kinds of EMPTY promises were MADE, but NEVER materialized; and PLENTY BROKEN. I’M the one that provided for MOST everything; I had the monetary INCOME; I WORKED for the ROOF over our heads… I handled just about everything. Ken was good at screwing everything up, but then pointing fingers AT everyone else; causing misery; spending MY money (and HIS when he HAD it where it SHOULDN’T have gone)… Ken was good at just making MY life DIFFICULT and MISERABLE. We had a LOT of good times… So many and SO good; THOSE have been the hardest to forget, let go of and understand HOW he can be the MONSTER that he IS. Also WHY it was so hard for ME to let go of HIM because I’ve never had with a man what I had WITH him… And never will again, I’m sure. But a MONSTER, he IS. When you’re in the HOSPITAL because your life is LITERALLY IN DANGER and you COULD have DIED had you NOT gone; then the MAN that [supposedly] ‘loves’ you, LOOKS you RIGHT in your face and says, QUOTE-UNQUOTE, “I HOPE YOU FU—ING DIE, BITCH.” Then, he gets mad because you want him to leave your hospital room because you don’t want HIS, so called ‘comfort’??? I had to HAVE him removed, which, of course angered him further and he caused a scene. I don’t think I’ve EVER had ANYONE embarrass me in my entire life MORE than KEN has in our relationship; he’s just a straight up ‘embarrassment’. The way he acts, talks… He THINKS he’s ‘cool’ and whatever; he’s not. He comes off as an idiot and I’ve TRIED to help him, but OF COURSE I just “THINK [I’m] better” than everybody else… Yeah, OK… Just because I’M educated, didn’t QUIT school, HAVE manners, KNOW how to ACT and TALK around people, etc… I TRIED to help. I didn’t THINK I was better. I saw an issue and I tried to help; END OF STORY. Same that I tried to do when I saw his OTHER issues… A LOT of good it did ME.
I can’t help that I have a brain and USE it. I can’t help that I had a GREAT Mother that LOVED and CARED about Her children; but I’m GRATEFUL. I have faults… I make mistakes… I just CONTINUED to make the same one over and over with Ken. Why? Because I gave him more than what I should’ve, as usual… But I loved him SO MUCH. He destroyed me. I already had ‘trust issues’ and gave SO MUCH ‘benefit of the doubt’ in order to try and build trust WITH him. I don’t know if I’ll EVER be able to ‘TRUST’ ANYONE… EVER. It’s my own fault; I put WAY too much into the WRONG person. Not only should I have listened to what other people said; I should have listened to my OWN original INSTINCT. Granted, I never would’ve experienced all that I did with him that I had never experienced before; but that would’ve been OK. You don’t know what you’ve never had. I had ALREADY been through the other BS, over and over throughout my life that I went through with him, and I DIDN’T need any of THAT abuse again. He even took it to other levels… I’ve never been called the derogatory names that HE calls me by my exes; NONE of them have EVER called me “A Whore”, “A dirty Cu-t”, even JUST “A Cu-t”, “A Douchebag”… I’ve been called a “bitch”; big deal. Hahaha They MAKE me be one in the situation under the circumstances; I feel the need to defend. They get insulting and accusatory, but can NEVER throw out even ONE EXAMPLE of what I SUPPOSEDLY do of what they’re ‘ACCUSING’ me OF; but I could give THEM a LIST… Even verbally; ESPECIALLY KEN. I went through this MAINLY with Ken… I don’t lie, cheat or steal. I don’t screw people over. I’ve spent my LIFE HELPING people, SELF-SACRAFICIALLY. If all THAT makes ME a ‘bad person’; well then, I’m GUILTY as charged. Not ONCE in my LIFETIME has ANYONE been able to throw out a FACT of ME screwing someone over; and NEVER WILL. But the SCARS I bear tell a different story…
All I can say, Mom is… I have a LOT of thoughts, feelings and emotions; I won’t be able to get them all out here now. But I’m OK. I’ll get through this just like I get through everything… And I WILL SURVIVE. People TRY to ‘crush’ me and ‘destroy’ me because THEY don’t feel ‘equivalent’… And THAT’S just SAD. I don’t treat people that way; they DO it to THEMSELVES. But obviously, when they’re LASHING OUT AT ME, they’re no one I need in MY life any longer. Ken thinks ‘blocking’ me on Facebook and so forth hurts my feelings… Hahaha I’m actually waiting for him to leave state again for YET ANOTHER woman he found on the internet. Hahaha It’s how HE survives; OFF OF WOMEN… NOT on HIS own. Good luck to THEM. ‘Peter Pan’… He’ll NEVER grow up and NEVER change. But you know what, Mom? I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!!! Hahahaha
OK, Mom… I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3"
"Hi, Mom. I know, I know... Long time. But I know you see ALL that has been going on, too. So, I know you also forgive me. Not that you wouldn't anyway... I'm just saying. Hahaha MY life just NEVER changes, DOES it? :-) Anyway...
The bright side is that we're looking into a house. We found a PERFECT one and I'm TRULY hoping to be able to buy it. It's in Derry and it COULDN'T be more perfect. PLEASE guide us in all the right directions that will lead us INTO THAT house.
'The Ken & Wylene Saga'… Consider the final chapter written; The End.
There's SO MUCH that irritates me though... Not about BEING broken up; THAT'S what I WANT. What irritates me is how MUCH of a LIE our, so called 'relationship' was. How MUCH truth I know that HE can't take responsibility FOR... Yet I'M ALL those HORRIBLE, NASTY things he called me throughout all these years... Alone, in front of people, LOUD enough for others to HEAR. I think NOT. No... I KNOW not. And, in reality, so does HE. "When OTHERS feel the need to drag YOU down; it's because THEY feel YOU are ABOVE THEM." Everything was always fine as long as HE was getting HIS way... But he was STILL doing 'HIS THING', and IF he thinks I WAS, HAVEN'T BEEN and AREN'T STILL aware... He's so VERY WRONG. My Mamma didn't raise NO FOOL. Granted, I DO fool-ISH things; like BE with Ken... Forgive him so much and so many times... Just wasting my life away; which is what I'm sure HE'S telling people about HIMSELF, making HIMSELF the victim, as usual. Hahaha THAT'S KEN. Candy and I joked... I brought it up and she thought it was a GREAT idea... About starting a 'Beware of Ken Reed' site for women only. Hahaha Giving women the heads up ABOUT Ken, so they don't make the same mistakes WE did. Hahaha If ONLY I were a vindictive bitch. I THINK things; I just don't ACT upon them... There's a DIFFERENCE. I also DON'T ALWAYS think things; just sometimes. Depends on how mad I am. Hahaha Anyway...
My feelings for Ken started changing quite a while back. About our first month after he got back from PA was good. After that... I don't know. I just 'see signs', but HE says I'm not supposed to trust in them. Not in those words; HE wants me to trust HIM. HOW??? GIVE ME REASON TO. In 3 years, you've given me NOTHING but reason NOT to trust you... But then you SAY "Trust me". Based on WHAT??? Your sneaky, lying, cheating ACTIONS??? Yeah, sure. NO, thank you. I won't even bring in other suspicions. Not worth it.
Over these 3 years, I've gotten ALL the proof I need to verify ME. What YOU did TO me; NOT FOR me... I don't need ALL your TRASH mouth and talk ABOUT me, TO me... Do you have ANY CLUE how you've betrayed me? But you CLAIM to 'LOVE' me... HOW could or should ANYONE BELIEVE YOU???? You throw that word around like SNOW. You'll 'DO' ANY woman and BE with ANY woman... Doesn't matter WHAT she LOOKS like, as long as she can PROVIDE FOR you. You'll TELL her ANYTHING you THINK she wants to hear... YOU CHARMER, you. And now that WE'RE broken up, you'll play THAT card... And of course, YOU'LL be the VICTIM and I'LL be the BITCH. It WON'T be that I DIDN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, which is the ACTUAL TRUTH. Just like those texts the other day about you not wanting to use the bathroom while I was in there... Giving me my privacy since we're broken up... Blah, blah, BLAH. WHO did you need to show THOSE to??? Because YOU had been in the bathroom SEVERAL TIMES with me THAT DAY; just NOT while I was showering. I was just AMAZED that you didn't do your USUAL checking on me routine... Which meant that you were BUSY with SOMEONE ELSE. FINE!!! I DON'T CARE!!! You didn't need to flip out on me. Because ALL I said was that it was weird I was in the bathroom for so long and you left me alone. I was gone for almost 3 hours. You just HAD to argue the 3 hours because YOU lost track of time LIKE YOU DO WHILE MESSAGING!!! Not saying you don't while playing your games... However... The couple times I went in, especially the first time, you minimized what you were in AND I know your composure while playing your games. I'm SORRY, BUT I KNOW you were doing WHATEVER that you didn't want me to know about... But I DON'T CARE. I'm trying to emotionally separate from you. I'm not saying there's not some difficulty. But what IS... Is. YOU'RE not gonna change. Proven fact. I can't afford to waste anymore time; but the fact is, I don't even have the desire to. I know what I know; I sense what I sense... And I'm sorry, my senses have been PROVEN RIGHT all along... And I DON'T DESERVE what he 'dishes out'; the abuse. I deserve to be treated like a LADY; at ALL times. He wants to keep playing 'Peter Pan', that's fine. Difference is, the REAL 'Peter Pan' doesn't AGE. Ken's looks are already fading... That kind of life makes them fade even faster. Me? I'll look younger, LONGER... For MANY reasons. ;-)
I know I have a LOT to say and I even need to sit and write my feelings to you, Mom. I'll do that in piecemeal, in a different place. But for now, I feel a little better having talked with you. :-D
OK, Mom, I'm gonna go for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Happy Thanksgiving, My Blessed Mother... I couldn't go to bed without saying at least that. I miss you SO much... Especially around these holidays; but today was good. A GREAT day with the whole family, here at home... And it was peaceful. <3
Anyway... I just wanted to say I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Yay!!! Sully went to Josh's for the weekend!!! Break for Meme'!!! Haha Isn't that supposed to be the OTHER way around??? The PARENT saying that about the child going TO the grandparent's house??? Hahaha Oh well... It's my life; C'est Lavie. Haha My family is HIGHLY 'Functionally Dysfunctional' at worst; so, we're not so bad, all in all, I guess. My 'Mother's Instinct' is definitely still in tact though. I got up and went to the bathroom as usual. Then walked back to the bedroom; but when I did, I had that BRIEF moment of BREATH taking shock that just MOMENTARILY stops you in your tracks... Not even long enough to notice... Because Sully wasn't in my room sleeping in his bed. Haha For that BRIEF iota of a moment, I forgot he wasn't here; then it was, "Oh yeah, he's at Josh's." Haha WHEW!!! PARTY TIME!!! Haha Yeah, I WISH!!! Haha I'm NOT 20 anymore... Hahaha Those days are LONG gone. ;-)
Well, Ken came for a visit yesterday; twice. It went OK actually... Weird in some ways. It's an adjustment going from being one way with a person, to the complete EXTREME opposite way of being with them. Anytime he found himself touching me while sitting near me, he'd move. That was definitely weird. As a rule, he only avoids 'touching' me when we're fighting and he's all mad at me and stuff; full of 'attitude'. So, that was different. I started to feel like he didn't WANT to touch me, so I tried to sit up more straight so my legs were as away from him as they COULD be. But he also sends me mixed signals... He tells me in one breath that this isn't about US at all; maybe 1% about me. OK. I WANT him to concentrate on himself to get better. I've WANTED him to do this for a LONG TIME; 3 YEARS!!! I'VE been telling him these things that he's hearing from MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. So glad that it took them to tell him and our RELATIONSHIP to EXPLODE to pieces for him to FINALLY maybe 'accept' and 'see the light' that he 'has problems' that need to be addressed, rehabilitated and maintained. Because NOW WHAT??? Look what we HAD... And LOOK at us NOW... In all honesty, I don't know what to believe. I hear what comes out of your mouth... But I know where we've BEEN. Your saying who knows in a year or two. Well... I just GAVE you THREE; and look what I got out of THOSE. I'm not saying I won't help you or be here for you... But I'm also not saying I'll put my life on hold, I guess. I've changed my mind about that. Why? Because I don't truly believe YOU have. I KNOW you haven't since we've broken up, and I KNOW that for a FACT, despite what you SAY. Doesn't mean you've dated, that I know of... I'm just saying that I know you've been up to the 'same ole, same ole'. Then you do the 'same ole, same ole' and LIE to me about it!!! Therefore, it CONTINUES to PROVE to me that I CAN'T TRUST you. See??? The 'Cons' of why I shouldn't always prevail... And I'm sorry... I think there was more to the fight between he and Mom than he's telling me. Mom was REALLY upset about it. Well wait a minute... Now I'm remembering the cigarette story. THAT WOULD upset Mom. Unless that's something he thought up... Which he IS GOOD at... On the spot right there. He DID have some time to think; it had been 24 hours by that time. I don't know WHAT to think and THAT is NOT how it SHOULD BE!!! I should be able to TRUST whatever he says... JUST because he SAID it. People can ME. People have ACTUALLY said to me through OUT my lifetime that they came to ME BECAUSE they KNEW I would TELL THEM THE TRUTH. There were times, that WASN'T a comfortable situation, and I didn't want to ANSWER the question I was being asked. So, they simply LOOKED at me and said, "Wylene. The LOOK on your face SAYS IT ALL. THANK YOU. I KNEW I could depend on YOU for the TRUTH." I was like, "Oh, GREAT" because it was about a boyfriend cheating on his girlfriend with a BUNCH of my girlfriends back in my Dunkin Donuts Gang days. I did NOT want to answer her; DIDN'T, but the EXPRESSION on my face and absolute SILENCE was ALLLL she needed. Hahaha BAGGED!!!! MAN, that was a horrible time for me... Her boyfriend Scott was like a big brother to me. I didn't approve of what he did, but wasn't in control of it. I lost him because of all that... They ended up getting married and he wasn't ALLOWED to keep a BUNCH of his friends. Understandable... Why ME, I didn't understand. I wasn't sleeping with him... But whatever; I understood her choices. Anyway, I stray...
I don't know, Mom... This whole Ken thing; it's just 'weird'. I'm sure like everything else in my life, I'll get through it. Hahaha I just hope he sees this mental health thing through; he NEEDS it. I hope this isn't some facade for now. IF he's found someone else, I hope he doesn't put them through what he put me through. I hope he's LEARNED how to treat a woman. Maybe he can actually KEEP one for a change... Stop cheating and they'll be a chance. Haha But that includes ALL forms... Messaging, online, in person flirting, etc. STOP lying, be trust worthy, dependable and reliable, help out... Be A MAN; NOT just in the bedroom. THAT'S not the most important thing. Anyway... I just hope he finally gets what he's needed for a LONG time and I TRIED to help him with.
OK, Mom. I gotta go get a room ready for one of my residents that comes back now and then. He's one of my faves, Dennis St. Pierre. Great guy... So I'll end for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Well, what a day I had yesterday; especially the evening. Blayze and I were supposed to go grocery shopping because of his schedule all weekend; as you know, THAT didn't happen... Not because of anything with Blayze. Also, as you know, Ken and I have been 'talking'... I want to be friends with him; I was in love with him and do still love and care about him. It doesn't matter that things have changed. I'm just trying to determine if last night was real or 'a tactic'; because, unfortunately, we all know that he's not above 'pulling out all the stops' to get what he wants. I know he's hurt... I know he's heartbroken... I know he even loves me, regardless of how he's treated me and all he's done TO me over the years. But suicidal??? Committing himself??? I BEGGED him to 'get help' WHILE he was WITH me... One more issue basically 'ignored', except a couple of times when he knew he was on his way out the door. He saw someone BRIEFLY, but then it STOPPED. Again... Same ole, same ole; empty and broken promises; made for the purpose of getting or staying WITH me... Once accomplished, the ball is DROPPED and the OLD routine is RESUMED. Just the whole way it kept going last night... He wanted me to go there, which I would have. Now... He kept telling me it was 'Voluntary'; but then he said they were TELLING him he HAD to go to Cypress Center because he was 'Unstable'. Well... He told me he went in talking 'suicide' and was brought in by cops and ambulance. OK... So, was it 'Voluntary' or did he 'HAVE TO' go??? Because if I went there on his behalf and started talking to them... He said ANYTHING about wanting to leave and NOT go; I would've ended up in a situation of being the one 'signing' him out and being LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE for him IF it wasn't 'VOLUNTARY'... And I couldn't do that. That would've put him RIGHT BACK here. I would've been RIGHT BACK in the same situation I fought to get OUT of. He said he had a 'blowout' with Mom; but for SOME reason, he doesn't want me to know ABOUT what. WHY??? WHAT could be THAT bad??? Did he and Mary get caught screwing around or something and he doesn't want me to know? Hahahahahaha I don't even care... Frankly, I EXPECT it. It's certainly SOMETHING that he feels guilty for because it SETS HIM OFF. Why he thinks it will bother me, I don't know... LOOK at all he's put me through!!! WHILE he was WITH ME!!! Does he REALLY THINK that something he does while broken UP is gonna devastate me??? Hahahaha For real... I think I'm WAY beyond that point now. But anway... I hope he's OK. He got to Cypress Center and just signed himself out like he said he was gonna do. I texted him this morning asking him to let me know he's alright when he wakes up. Don't know if he will... Maybe he's mad at me for not being able to be there for him last night. I couldn't be; I'm not able to drive myself for one. I guess we'll find out... I invited him to come over prior to him going to the hospital; so if he wanted to see me that bad, he could've. Thing is, I told him he would've had to go home... I don't know, Mom. Last night, I could've let him stay... In the empty room or something. I just don't want to give him 'false hope'. IF he ACTUALLY GOT HELP, and PROVED to me that it was ACTUALLY WORKING and he was ACTUALLY LIVING a DIFFERENT life... One that he and I said that we were going to live together... I would consider DATING him to give it a CHANCE. I would need to SEE that he was UTILIZING his treatment and possible/more than likely medications. I will NOT just 'hop back in the frying pan' YET again to get BURNED. He would actually need to make me FEEL about him the way that I used to... He sent me something quite fitting: "How do you know when it's over?" "Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you." Yeah... That's how I feel and felt while he was still here; sadly. I wanted back SO BADLY what we HAD... I TRIED talking to him, but he WOULDN'T LISTEN; as usual. :'( It's as though, just like the other men of my past, he took TOO MUCH stock in my love for him; too much 'faith'. You can have faith in ME; but when you're using and abusing me... Love dies. Somehow, I still manage to love and care for you; but the intensity lessens.
He just contacted me... I'll see how he's doing. So, I guess that's it for now, Mom. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom… WHEW!!!! WHAT a WEEK PLUS!!! Hahaha But we made it through, of course. Sorry I haven’t been able to spend time with you; not for the lack of trying, Lord knows. Haha HOW many times did I come in here with intentions??? Yeah… Haha So, you at least KNOW, Mom. I’ll tell ya though… I can’t WAIT for Blayze to take me to get my nails done this week!!! It’s SOOOOO hard to type now. Hahaha I need them filed down a bit. Hahaha
He ended up having Monday off, so he took me around quite a bit; I got Big Lots, drops in Hooksett, WalMart shopping done… We even did some stuff in between. I got a new coffee maker! It’s SOOOO AWESOME!!! It doesn’t even have a carafe; AND you can brew ICE COFFEE IN it!!! Hahaha You put your coffee cup UP to it and the coffee POURS INTO your CUP!!! I LOVE IT!!! Still makes up to 12 cups, too! Auto shut-off UP to 4 hours to keep coffee warm… It’s just AWESOME!!! It’s a Hamilton Beach product. I was looking at some others that would’ve ‘sufficed’ and I would’ve been ‘satisfied’ that were all of $5 LESS than what I paid for THIS one; so, I got it and I’m ECSTATIC INSTEAD!!! Hahaha I feel that now that I live alone for the most part again, I should be able to have SOME nicer things without them getting broken all the time. Before, I knew there was no sense in it. If I was gonna get a coffee maker; it was coming from someplace like Savers… Sorry. I wasn’t paying the kind of money I just did to have it be destroyed on me… Like everything else has been. Now… It’s time to rebuild; but ONLY a little. I want to SIMPLIFY my life. The plan, for the most part, remains the same. Gotta get through ALL ‘the baggage’; but I will. Things are starting to get accomplished. Sully is FINALLY in school!!! He LOVES it! He goes for more testing… Hopefully, the transportation will kick in soon. But things are MOVING along! ;-)
Sully has been better since Ken has been gone; I actually knew that was a big part of Sully’s digressing behavior problem. I watched Sully; his actions AND his expressions whenever it involved Ken. I also listened to what he said ABOUT Ken at times, in just normal conversation; not when he was ‘being a brat’. Ken was doing to Sully some of what he always does to me: ‘I’m gonna be mean, vicious and abusive to you; but THEN I’m gonna play the “I love you” game.’ Since Ken’s been gone, Sully and I have been able to get more on the level that WE used to be on… I HATED that Ken ALWAYS was putting me in positions that I HAD to back him up; because it WASN’T something I would’ve said or done in MY methods of parenting. But I AM and always HAVE been a parent; Ken ISN’T and really CAN’T claim to be. He’s ‘procreated’; but he has not RAISED his children; was not THERE for his children and STILL ISN’T. I HAVE BEEN and AM, and NO ONE can take that away from me. NO ONE. Ken has lived for Ken; his track and criminal records are BLACK and WHITE PROOF of THAT… Aren’t they? Can’t deny what’s in black and white.
Am I sad at all? Of course I am… But after thinking it ALL over, I’ve come to realize how I really DO feel at this point. I gave it THREE YEARS… NO ONE can say I didn’t give it my ALL; NO one. I forgave things I’ve NEVER forgiven; there were reasons WHY I did and it didn’t matter if ANYONE ELSE understood why… I HAD to. I loved him for reasons; maybe SOME even unknown to me… But I did; and UNLIKE ANYONE I had ever loved IN MY LIFE. I had NEVER let ANYONE close to me; except HIM. We had this ‘connection’… Over the course of these 3 years, NONE of these things ‘disappeared’, DESPITE what he put me through or how much he hurt me. But I KEPT WARNING him that they WOULD; I would reach a ‘Point of No Return’ at SOME point if things DIDN’T change. The fact that we HAD to touch when we were near each other; even if we were eating or sleeping. No matter HOW much he hurt me or WHAT he did; it NEVER changed. But this LAST time… As usual, he came back with his ‘promises’, that TURN into ‘empty promises’. He starts off WHOLE HOG, then fizzles… He was actually ABLE to hold a conversation, and I’d POINT IT OUT to him in a NICE way; to show him how NICE it was that we were TALKING and RESOLVING an issue, rather than FIGHTING and DESTROYING MY HOME because of HIS ANGER ISSUES. He, of course, AGREED because he wanted to stay, I guess… At THIS point; I can ONLY believe that he actually LIKES ‘Chaos and Drama’ because he CAUSES so much of it!!! When you HAVE a PEACEFUL partner, yet CHOOSE to CAUSE ‘Chaos and Drama’; WHAT is the other person SUPPOSED to think????? Well… I KNOW what I’m SAYING: TAKE IT ELSEWHERE!!! I deserve BETTER, thank you. I’ve ASKED him STRAIGHT OUT: “Am I a bad girlfriend?” His answer: “No.” “Am I a GOOD girlfriend?” His answer: “Yes.” OK… Then WHY abuse me and CALL ME HORRENDOUS names AND tell me that I “don’t deserve” YOU?” Of course…. He was RIGHT about that; just NOT the WAY he meant it. Hahaha But my retaliation BACK on him left him WITHOUT retaliation; I TOLD him, he was right… That I DIDN’T deserve him, I deserved BETTER; and that HE certainly DIDN’T deserve ME. He knew it was the truth… Just because you WANT something (or someone), doesn’t mean you DESERVE it (or them). Thing is… I didn’t ask for much; but I sure as Hell GAVE a LOT. For him to just sit around on his phone, giving me ATTITUDE when I DID ask for something or NEEDED something; or even if I DIDN’T ask. WHY should I HAVE to ask???… To just EXPECT ME to DO everything FOR him, but DO so LITTLE in RETURN… To continue to lie, sneak around about ANYTHING… To Call ME names, even just in anger… Not let ME talk when ALL I DO is LISTEN; to EVERYONE… To CONTINUE to BREAK my belongings and DESTROY my home in his anger fits… To CONTINUE to make his ‘Empty Promises’ that NEVER materialize… To CONTINUE to MAKE me live in HIS world, under HIS RULE; but then say that I’M “controlling” when that’s NEVER been the case. Ex-Boyfriends that are HONEST (like JD) will tell you I'm not controlling… To CONTINUE to ‘disrupt’ MY world and home with HIS MESS; CONSTANTLY EXPECTING me to just CLEAN UP AFTER him ALL the time REGARDLESS of HOW many times PER DAY I clean, even JUST the bedroom. HE complained about ‘mess and clutter’, that HE “didn’t like it”, yet it’s HIS!!! Now that HE’S gone, so is the MESS and CLUTTER, thank you very much; EVEN with Sully here… The list goes on; sorry.
I’ve been SO MUCH and noticeably happier since he’s been gone; even Tyson said something to me and KNEW it was BECAUSE he was gone. He brought it up and, NO, I didn’t say a word to anyone prior. What I’m ‘sad’ about is the loss of the relationship and what I had WITH him; I know I’ll never have it again. It took me 46 years to find Ken… I don’t have that kind of time left. Besides…Everything HE put me through; HE REALLY ‘broke’ me. Brian was my most physically abusive relationship; Ken was the most emotionally abusive. At the end, though… Doesn’t matter, it’s all over now. I felt things changing, drastically, the last few months this time. I KEPT trying to talk to him; but as usual, to no avail. He wouldn’t listen, started fights, slamming doors… Just the same ole, same ole. Before I knew it, I was drifting… We didn’t sit the same ways, cuddle or even kiss. He kissed me goodbye and stuff; but little ‘lip kisses’. We used to literally ‘make out’ with passion; not anymore… And I didn’t have desire to like I used to. I LOVED kissing him. I LOVED being held by him… It just didn’t feel right UNLESS I was IN his arms; securely wrapped ‘like a glove’. That’s even what we used to say, because it’s HOW I fit IN his arms; ‘like a glove’. I miss ALL of that… But I don’t miss the rest; I’m finally at peace otherwise. I WISH things could’ve been different… I WORKED at them to be different… But it takes more than for ME to work at it; it takes for BOTH of us, and THAT wasn’t happening… And I’m EXHAUSTED. So, I’m moving on…
He’ll be fine. He’ll find someone else, as usual… If he hasn’t already. I KNOW he’s already ‘been on the hunt’, so… Facebook, if not already active WHILE with me, WENT active THAT DAY. Haha Though, I’m pretty sure he already HAD it. Nothing out of the ordinary with Ken… A Leopard never changes its spots, right Mom? Haha Well… Just like I know that, let’s hope Ken, if he hasn’t learned YET, WILL learn eventually that… One of the things he loved about me and always used to say TO me was that I was “Wifey”. Well… You can turn a HOUSEWIFE INTO a whore; but you CAN’T turn a WHORE INTO a HOUSEWIFE. Hahahaha Ken LOVES his whores; of course, he IS one himself. Lived a completely different life than I did. I guess us ‘coming from two different worlds’ and ‘being cut from different cloth’ really DID get in the way in OUR case. All I can say at this point is that I wish him well and as for myself… C’est Lavie. I’m back on ‘Auto Pilot’, JUST DOING IT. Hahaha
OK, Mom, I guess that’s it for now. I’ll get in here when I can. More testing for Sully tomorrow morning… I can’t wait until he’s just hopping on a bus and going to school every day and I can forget about stuff. I gotta get under one roof with Josh so HE can have some of this responsibility. Anyway… I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3"
"Hi, Mom... I know; I'm in here at such an obscene hour and I haven't even been to bed yet. Haha I just got SO into what I was doing, I lost track of time! I'm not used to being able to just do what I want and NOT be interrupted; asked, "Are you coming in the bedroom anytime soon?" Even when I hadn't been away all that long; he just couldn't stand for me to be away from HIM. I have to tell ya... It's so nice having my 'free will' back. I look like myself, sound like myself, act like myself... And it was instantaneous. Everyone noticed it immediately after he was gone. I'd say THAT has to speak volumes...
All kinds of things have re-run in my head; over, and over, and over... I know on many levels, this was the right thing to do. I know Ken... I'm SURE he's at his 'usual'. I'm sure he was BEFORE we split. If he really thinks I believe that ALL those 'Ken Reed' Facebook profiles that SUDDENLY appeared after we got back together... No profile pic... WEREN'T his... He is sadly mistaken. One thing about Ken; he's resourceful. When he REALLY wants something, he usually finds a way to get it. He made a [empty] promise to me about his phone... Would stay OFF of and AWAY from ALL temptations. Did he? HIGHLY doubtful. That's not Ken. He's a liar, a cheater and a sneak; and regardless of WHAT HE thinks... You DON'T have to have PHYSICAL CONTACT for it to be CHEATING. There's such a thing as 'Emotional Cheating'; you never lay a hand ON another person. NOTHING is done with human contact. The thing is... Do I care? No. It's dead this time; he killed it. I am FINALLY at the Point of NO Return. He can't say I didn't try... Although... He's still 'Talking Devil' behind my back; per usual. Lies, lies and MORE lies. WHATEVER... In all honesty... I really don't care WHAT he thinks, HOW he feels; NOTHING. I guess you could say, "My Give A Damn Is Busted". Hahaha I'm done bleeding... The damage that COULD be done, HAS been done. It's over.
Now he can go back to the life that he's been apparently 'missing' so much... But it can have him; and so can the women he LOVES to choose. THEY are more 'deserving' of him; I'M not. I don't deserve to get called names or put into categories that I don't belong; accused of things I DIDN'T do or say, or just the opposite... I should GET credit for what I DID do or say. Let the women 'lower on the totem pole' handle him; they can take his money for services rendered or whatever... After all; those are the kind he GOES for... Whores. 'Birds of a feather, flock together.' Hahaha I have more important things to do with my life... I'M a 'grown up'. I think about my priorities; Ken only thinks about Ken and what makes HIM happy. Anyway...
I'll write more later, Mom, but I'm gonna try to get SOME sleep before I have to get up in about an hour or so. I just wanted to spend some time with you. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom… Again, sorry it’s been so long. As you know, I miss OUR time together terribly; but my plate has been even MORE full than usual… If that’s even possible. Haha Yeah… I can’t use ‘Lol’ anymore to express laughter, which was SUPPOSED to mean ‘laugh out loud’. Josh posted something about how every time we use it, it’s actually PRAISING Satan because of what the letters ACTUALLY mean; but I can’t think of the meaning at the moment… Something about HIM being Lord. Ummmmm, NO!!! Since that post, I have NOT been able to use it and actually use ‘Haha’ in its place; I just CAN’T. I won’t do or say ANYTHING that even MIGHT ‘praise’ Satan; never mind include ‘Lord’ in the equation WITH his so-called name. The world is SO messed up… Something as simple and menial as an expressive acronym; destroyed by THE DEVIL. But I guess that’s just HOW MUCH GOD, Jesus, The Blessed Mother and ALL that is Holy means to ME. With ALL that I’ve managed to sacrifice in my life, and I’m sure I will continue to… An acronym used on such a regular basis will be the LEAST of my concerns. Haha
I’ve been working real hard at getting Sully into school. I’ve been to meetings, making phone calls, on the computer… He’s been approved for Head Start, Mon – Fri, 8-11:30. I got him a new Doctor, he’s been to an appointment and had a physical; he weighs 38.2 lbs, is 41.5” tall (which is almost 3-1/2’ tall)… He’s doing well. His blood pressure was good, he’s healthy… Got another appointment for a year from now, so NO concerns. I don’t remember getting MY kids into school being THIS difficult or lengthy of a process… But of course, I did things ALL along the way, the WAY I was supposed to, WHEN I was supposed to; and THAT all makes a HUGE difference. My boys’ birth certificates weren’t ‘in question’ and neither were the paternities; even though WE know that Josh is Sully’s father, Josh was NOT on the birth cert from the get go, which I knew would pose problems and TOLD him so back THEN… As well as REGRET. As usual, I was right. The problem at hand is, I’M the one suffering the MAJORITY of JOSH’S ‘Karma’ and consequences; NOT Josh. I’M the one that always ends up cleaning up everyone else’s ‘mess’ and DOING all the ‘leg work’. It always gets dropped on MY lap. Yeah, and THEN when I get the mess cleaned up or MOSTLY cleaned up… They want to take hold of the reins again; kinda like now. This is the situation at hand NOW…
After I’ve done ALL of this; have had Sully since April 8, my birthday of this year… Have NOT gotten ANY assistance from ANYONE the ENTIRE time; not state, Josh or Tori…. NO ONE; I have SOLEY supported Sully BECAUSE I kept hearing EVERY month that Josh was “gonna get a place” the following month. I FINALLY gave up recently and applied for assistance for Sully in my household and am NOW getting a small benefit for him. Today is Tuesday and on Sunday, Josh moved into the room that TORI rents because she is SUPPOSEDLY going to rehab in LIEU of jail for all her crimes, violations of her Parole, bail and ‘good behavior’, etc. She had court yesterday… She’s still around. Yeah… Soooooo, WHAT round in 7 years will THIS be??? WHY Josh CONTINUES to ‘fall under her spell’, I GUESS Blayze and I will continue to NOT understand, where he CONTINUES to deny any REAL feelings for her. Saying they “have a special bond because they have a child together and have been through a lot together”; yup, I can understand ALL of that. But it DOESN’T mean that you have to CONTINUE to be her ‘emotional prisoner’ and ‘victim’; and CONTINUE to make the ENTIRE FAMILY victims, as well. Because THAT’S what happens; EVERY TIME. Why? Because we love Josh and Sully and families are supposed to stick together. When Josh ends up ‘stuck’ in Hell, who ‘rescues’ him? WE DO!!! But Josh isn’t alone anymore; he has Sully; and SORRY… SHE is NOT a ‘Mother’; THAT has been proven TIME and AGAIN. How much MORE does Sully have to experience, see, go through with HER before Josh FINALLY says “ENOUGH!!!” I’m not perfect… I made my mistakes as a Mother… But I didn’t REPEATEDLY make the SAME mistakes OVER, and OVER and OVER… And especially not with the SAME mistake of a PERSON. Once I was OUT; I was OUT. DONE and OVER; point of NO Return. Josh needs to NOT just SAY it; he needs to REACH it. He and I are gonna have a REAL serious talk about Sully and the ‘living situation’; because, yeah… The situation HAS been ‘messing’ Sully up. But if he thinks that living in a SMALL room WITH Tori and him will FIX things; THINK AGAIN!!!
Now, me and Ken… All I can say is ‘hopeless’. That’s how I feel. My feelings have so DRASTICALLY changed and I feel trapped. WHO in their RIGHT MIND would just continue to STAY somewhere after they’ve been told REPEATEDLY to just LEAVE??? I’ve told him how my feelings have changed… I actually ‘choke’ on the ‘love you’s’. I don’t want to play the ‘I love you’ game… When you love someone, you treat them the way I treat people; NOT the way KEN treats people; but I’m just supposed to KEEP on ‘swallowing’ my feelings, emotions AND HIS bull shit. CAN’T and don’t WANT to do it. But I’m apparently SUPPOSED to because it’s what HE wants and HE wants ME; so that’s what’s happening… And I CAN’T escape. The thing that KILLS me is THIS is MY HOME!!! I WORK TO SUPPORT IT and I PAY to support the REST!!!! PLUS, BUST MY ASS around here ‘taking care of business’ AND cleaning up AFTER everyone… But I have NO say in WHO lives here, HOW clean it is, WHAT goes on here… JUST WOW. So, I either HAVE to call the Police or Sarah and Tyson like I DON’T want to do to get him out BECAUSE of the HUGE scene it causes… Or I just have to MOVE OUT myself. I REALLY, TRULY HATE this ‘JOKE’ labeled a ‘life’ I’ve been damned to. As much of a ‘people person’ as I am, I really don’t want to live my life alone, etc… I’m truly feeling it’s my best option. NO ONE in my life has EVER cared enough about ME. I’VE always been ‘the care taker’; well, NOW I need some ‘care taking’. I’VE always been ‘the provider’; well, NOW I need some providing FOR. I’VE always DONE IT ALL. Well, NOW I need HELP; and IF I’m just gonna DO IT ALL by myself… I’m only gonna HAVE myself to take CARE of. If no one wants to ‘allow’ me to talk, then I’ll just continue to talk to YOU, My Blessed Mother. You’re the only one that ever really understood me anyway… Because I’m LIKE you; and we’re ‘different’. When you told me as a young child I was gonna have a VERY hard life, that MAY have been an understatement. Haha
There’s just SO much I’m tired of, I could sit here and WRITE on, and on, and on. I’ve been going through paperwork; business and personal. I’ve come across letters and things I’ve written TO Ken; they say the same things over and over. Things I’m tired of, not gonna put up with anymore, etc. It just goes to show that he DOESN’T really change. He PROMISES he will so he can come BACK; but I ALWAYS write about his ‘empty promises’. How he doesn’t allow me to talk… Another thing that REALLY bothers me, other than the name calling and throwing and breaking things when he gets angry; he ALWAYS ‘negates’ me in ANY situation, AND he’ll even PUT me into a situation that I’m NOT even in. I’ll elaborate… For instance, just early this morning in bed, I asked him to move over because I was LITERALLY on the edge of the bed. He can NOT ACCEPT that HE has ME pushed to the edge of the bed and JUST move. HE has to make it so that it’s the way WE’RE BOTH laying; THAT’S what he said. So, I said, “NO. I’M LITERALLY at the edge; look or feel. I have NO WHERE to go and I’M not even curled up.” He HAD to move; DID so to the EXTREME (as ALWAYS in ANYTHING he does, especially when proven WRONG) and moved ALL the way up against the wall. Another example… Just yesterday, I saw something on TV and it just made me think. It was Matt LeBlanc (“Joey” on ‘Friends’); he has a new show coming on and I said I wanted to actually see it, started saying a couple of things… I said that I heard he was actually REALLY intelligent in real life; he plays a GOOD Moron on ‘Friends’ and is REALLY FUNNY! Haha I continued on saying that the more you think about it, it’s actually funny to think that there are actually people LIKE that; they’re not mentally retarded, don’t have emotional disorders or anything… They really ARE just kinda moronic and it’s funny. Haha He got ‘toney’ and looked at me and said, “Yeah. YOU could’ve been like that. Not EVERYBODY…” Blah, blah, blah. I was just flabbergasted. Ummmm… I know? Did I say ANYTHING about YOU being like that??? I can say something about HOW I think something happened, or went down… “NO, THAT’S not what happened. YOU don’t know what you’re talking about” or “YOU don’t know EVERYTHING”. Yeah, I know; but I DO know a LOT… And I DO read people WELL; BETTER than YOU. I’ve read YOU rather ACCURATELY, which we ALL know has driven YOU crazy; the fact that I AM ‘RIGHT’ about SO MUCH. So… The question STILL remains… WHY the HELL do you FIGHT me to STAY when there’s OBVIOUSLY SO MUCH ABOUT me YOU CAN’T STAND??? Did you burn THAT many bridges? Because I’m sorry… As ‘nice’ as I am, I am NOT going to take care of you for the rest of your life OR mine. I NEED to take care of ME; SOMEBODY has to. So, PLEASE… FIND a way to take care of YOU.
You can ‘say’ you ‘love’ me… But ACTIONS speak LOUDER than words; and YOURS have been LOUD and CLEAR on both counts. I don’t think you hate me; but LOVE? I’m ‘convenient’. I’m a GOOD woman… Certainly better than you’ve had. IF you ‘love’ me, then I guess you’d best get on the ball because MY intentions from here on out are NOT with you. I’m going to live for ME; get things done for ME. Head toward MY future; ALONE. You INSIST on being here? Stay out of my way, please and DO YOUR PART because I’m NOT doing it FOR you. I should sit down and type up a list in BLACK and WHITE of my expectations in ORDER to live here. Everything BETTER be NEAT and CLEAN, EVERY NIGHT before bed; laundry done, help with household chores, etc… Or GET OUT! Yeah… I just might do that.
OK, Mom, I guess that’s it for now. I’ll try to get in here more often, but I do still have a lot on my plate. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3"
"Hi, Mom… I know; I’m up at an ungodly hour on top of all that I have going on. Apparently WHY I can’t sleep. Mom, I’m SO tired of all of this. SO tired of my SO called ‘life’. What’s in it for ME??? What in it is ABOUT ME??? MY life is ALL about EVERYONE else. NO ONE stops to even THINK about ME because I’VE ALWAYS been the ‘Go To’ person for everyone my entire life. For quite some time now, I’ve been SO obviously depressed, worn out and even literally physically pained to the point of NOT taking care of myself. Not showering on a daily basis as I ALWAYS have; not caring about my appearance as I ALWAYS have; just all in all, I haven’t been myself. Ken’s treatment of me certainly isn’t what it should be; just more of the same ‘empty promises’. Just another thing I’m tired of… The constant ‘Roller Coaster’ ride with Ken. What’s really different? I’m getting treated the same, stress levels are the same, his behaviors are the same… You don’t have to cheat to be an ‘Abuser’ or ‘a waste of time’ just simply because you’re… Well, a miserable prick. Ken’s put me through a LOT over the last 3 years… Lying, cheating, sneaking around, lived with other women… And there are things I just know he’s capable of.
For instance… I think Ken would rather keep me a ‘dependent’ woman rather than have me be the independent woman I was when he met me. Me not having my license; he likes that. It keeps me somewhat dependent on him. He really doesn’t want me to get my license back. He’d never SAY that to me; but it’s what he FEELS. And I’m sorry… I so honestly feel the day of my court… Day I drove him back from his eye appointment when I got stopped for driving without a license BECAUSE he yelled and startled me, which made me stomp on the brake when we BOTH KNEW the cop was RIGHT BEHIND ME… I had PLENTY of time to go; and he yelled and startled me, which got me pulled over RIGHT around the corner from here. Thank GOD I didn’t get arrested or anything; but I now have a $310 FINE to pay; thank you. A SLAM on MY license I DIDN’T need… Because of YOU. I’m sorry, but it’s been eating at me SINCE because I can’t shake it. It certainly wouldn’t be the first ‘dirty deed’ he’s done me, would it?
I don’t know, Mom… I love him, but… He does SO MANY things that just PISS ME OFF!!! I don’t know if I can live with him for the rest of my life because I can’t trust him, just for ONE. He’s SO NEGATIVE, for two… Narrow minded, three… I have to FIGHT with him to do most things, four… He starts things, but then doesn’t finish them a LOT, five… He lays even HIS responsibility on ME; but because I can’t do it FOR him, it’s suddenly NOT ‘important’ and he’s not gonna do it, six… He can walk or make a trip for something ‘needless’; like for something he should just call. But he CAN’T walk or make a trip for something that NEEDS to get done; like a paper he NEEDS Notarized because it’s “Just a signature”, so we miss the deadline... The list goes ON and ON and ON. He doesn’t let me talk and THAT BOTHERS ME TO NO END!!! I have a RIGHT to my feelings and emotions, and I ALSO have a right to express them. I have had a lifetime of LISTENING to others; I’d LOVE to have the same courtesy. Even just normal conversation, Mom… We were shopping one night, just picking up a few things. We were looking specifically for something fast for dinner, and we were looking at pizzas. I wanted to say ONE thing and he wouldn’t even let me… I started to talk, and AS USUAL, he cut me off; so I tried again. I TRIED to say, “No…” And say what I WANTED to say; but he just KEPT talking over me, saying that he KNEW what I was gonna say. So I said, “OK. What am I gonna say then?” HE made it ALL about HIM… As usual. But no. What I wanted to say, in fact, was that it figured the ONLY Hawaiian pizza they had was a thin, crispy crust and I like bready crust; NONE of what HE was saying to me of what I SUPPOSEDLY wanted to say but NEVER GOT to. I ended up just walking away to shop elsewhere in the store and we NEVER GOT pizza. Granted, that there ARE a lot of times we know what each other is going to say, or even SAY things at the same time. But it doesn’t mean that we know EVERYTHING that each other is going to say ALL the time. I’m SO tired of his “Yeah, I’m an asshole, but ya gotta love me” attitude; because you know what? I DON’T gotta love you!!! Even though I do… You’re KILLING IT!!! So just go ahead… KEEP being what you THINK is a ‘loveable asshole’. It will be the fast-track to OUR ‘Neverland’; KEY word being ‘Never’, as in ‘Never again’.
I just need to get going on the things I need to around here so that I can get OUT of here… One way or another. Because one way or another, I’M leaving. I may just be leaving here on my own… To where? I don’t know yet; TBD. I’ll have to figure out all those details the closer I get to leaving. All I know, Mom is that when I sink as low as I have; as depressed as I am… Things REALLY need to change; but HOW do I GET them to??? I’m SO not in control of my OWN life. When Ken acts the way he does, telling him ANYTHING, including to leave does NO good. How he puts it is pretty much perfect: he’s like a ‘bad penny’; I’ll never be rid of him he says. All I can say is, it’s not good when you love AND hate the one you’re with as often as I do Ken; but HE provokes my hatred towards him. I don’t ‘feel’ things for nothing.
I have ALWAYS ‘owned up’ to my faults, insecurities; to the fact that I’m ‘broken’. But I WON’T let anyone take AWAY from me ALL that I HAVE accomplished and/or DO. I AM a strong woman and HAVE my wits, senses and ‘cookies’ about me. I’m VERY well put together, ESPECIALLY for all I’ve been through. I’m tired of being so easily ‘dismissed’, taken for granted, used and abused, pushed aside, talked over, etc, etc, ETC. I’m also tired of BEING ‘The Care Taker’. How about BEING taken care of FOR A CHANGE??? When’s Wylene’s turn??? I know; when I’m with YOU, my Blessed Mother… Can I come NOW, Please???!!! I’m exhausted and just simply tired of THIS life. Am I ungrateful for what I HAVE? No… But OTHERS seem to be for what THEY have IN ME; and I’m just tired of it all. If I actually sat down and made a LIST… WROTE DOWN all that’s currently on my plate; the LIST of things that I have to DO, even just in a DAY. When I don’t feel well… SO sick that I JUST can’t do anything… The apartment gets SO out of hand because I’M not cleaning it; because EVERY time I get up, even just to go to the bathroom… I’m CLEANING SOMETHING!!! Or washing dishes; SOMETHING. Ken helps out more THIS time; I’ll give him that. But I get the ‘attitude’ that comes along WITH it. The ‘Anger Issues’; throwing things… I get ‘punished’ because he ‘helped’ do laundry. I guess even though HE lives here, too; eats, wears clothes, ‘dirties’ the apartment through normal wear & tear (plus), sleeps here, etc… I should be the ONLY one that cooks, does the dishes, vacuums, washes floors, cleans the bathroom, cleans the bedroom CONSTANTLY, trips UP and DOWN to and from the basement to do laundry… Wash, dry, fold AND put it ALL away for THREE people… Do EVERYONE’S Welfare and Social Security paperwork ALL the time, as well as anything else that comes up… Take care of Sully ALL day, which is a job in itself… Be the MAIN support monetarily because all he brings in and HAS been for quite some time in our relationship is a VERY MINIMAL amount of money; usually sporadic small amounts… I carry the ‘financial worry’ around on my shoulders all the time because no matter what, I’m the one everyone looks to, to ‘make things happen’ or WONDER WHY we have or don’t have… AND I run this building dealing with everyone IN it, to include DOING things for the people here; THEIR welfare and social security, legal issues, medical issues, domestic issues, drug issues, etc, etc, etc. I’m one person. WHEN do I have time for MYSELF??? And this is just a ‘modest list’. Wanna KNOW why I’ve been looking like shit lately? Gee, I wonder… I’m almost 50 and my life should be settling down. It should BE somewhat settled already in my opinion because my boys are all grown.
Blessed Mothers, PLEASE help me… I’m desperate to get out of the situations I’m in. I feel so trapped… Josh needs to get on HIS feet for himself and his son; then I’ll be more free to move about in MY life. I shouldn’t be the one trying to get Sully settled and in school; Josh should be. I DID all this already… Will I do it for my grandson? Of course… I love him. In all honesty, Mom… I’m not sure how to describe my feelings about my situation other than ‘DOWN RIGHT MISERABLE’. I don’t want to say that I ‘resent’ it, because I’m not sure it’s true. I’d do anything for my family; no matter how self-sacrificial. I think I’ve proven that over the years… But I did NOT and DO not want to be raising anymore kids at this point in my life; it’s REALLY hard on me. My life is on hold… It’s ‘damaging’ Sully emotionally…
I’m so tired… Of fighting. Just everything. None of this can end soon enough for me… That’s all I can say I guess, Mom. Please help me, Mom. Help me make good decisions of what to do from here… With everything. Help me get my life on the track I NEED it to be on… PLEASE. I need some relief; emotional AND physical. I’m in all around agony, Mom…
OK, I’ll end here. I’m sorry it’s been so long, Mom. I’ll try to do better; just things haven’t been good around here, and it’s hard for me to get in here to be ALONE. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3"
"Hi, Mom... It's been a shamefully long time since I've been able to write; but a lot has been going on... And you KNOW how many times I've wanted to just sit and write you. Time... TIME is something I JUST don't have for MYSELF; but to get out of HERE, couldn't be SOON enough. I am SO DONE with everyone and everything... Putting my ALL into everything I do, every day; but my feelings, emotions, needs, desires, what I have to say, think or perceive... Just ANYTHING; doesn't matter. Why do I even bother to EXIST? Oh, that's right... For what THEY need me for. Work, work and MORE WORK... EVERY DAY. It's endless. For EVERYONE. Whatever... I supposedly 'asked for it'. I don't ever remember hearing the words come out of my mouth, "HEY, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD!!! Bring ALL your problems and any OTHER issues to ME and I'LL deal with it for you." But anyway...
I gotta go for now. I just wanted to let you know that I AM still here.
I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Well. He did it. He told her yesterday and broke it off... He'll be home Monday evening. Believe it or not... SHE'S gonna drive him back even knowing he's coming back to me. He sent me the text he sent her AND her response to prove it... And, just to confirm... I asked someone to check Facebook and it was done. He is now 'Single'; so is she, except she still has the pics of them up. Oh well... I wouldn't normally DO that and haven't, but... I'm tired of having these couple of guys that WANT me, shoving it in my FACE just because they know who Ken is. NOT anymore... And when he returns... Who'll be shoving WHAT in WHO'S face? Well... I won't do THAT, but... HUGE moves are being made and for what? LOVE. We GENUINELY LOVE each other... I know we have a very 'tainted' history; but I also know there are REASONS for it. If we could eliminate at least some of those reasons; perhaps we'd have a chance this time. We never even had so much as a disagreement until I got down here... Once down here, all the shit started hitting the fan. I'm not saying that I didn't have 'suspicions' of things prior; I did. I don't know if Ken was cheating on me or not... He was probably at least 'messaging' other women at the time. Some habits DON'T 'just appear'; especially at his age. But with ALL we've been through... IF he hasn't learned by NOW that I'M the one that HE loves, WANTS to BE with and ISN'T happy when he's NOT with me... Then he's a BIGGER fool than even I thought. We're just about 3 YEARS into this now... The cards have said ALL along that our relationship was a 'learning experience' for BOTH of us. Well... THAT has certainly proven to be true. Lol But THIS LAST reading I did showed that 'The King of Cups' was ready to BECOME 'The King of Pentacles'; which is the King who is the Provider; responsible and capable for the ones he loves. 'The King of Cups' is the King who always has a 'sad love history' and some sad story... It's not that he's a 'bad' King; but when you WANT a King, you want 'The King of Pentacles'. He was determined and set out on the 'journey' toward 'the one he truly loves' (The Six of Swords, The Ace of Cups with The Empress); and it's a journey he considers 'all too easy' now. He knows who and what he wants now... The cards SHOWED him telling her and coming back to me; I just didn't know if he was going to wait until it was TIME to come back... Or do what he did. I'm glad he finally did it. It was the RIGHT thing to do and gave me MORE faith in us; and him. ALL the cards around us are HAPPY cards... GOOD cards; we have a chance. Of course, things can change... That's LIFE. NOTHING is perfect and I expect 'ups and downs'. I just ALSO expect that HE will do the RIGHT things this time... He needs to NOT make a fool of, especially ME this time, and do ALL the RIGHT things. Work WITH me to accomplish what we need to for OUR future together. HELP me accomplish what I need to in order to leave here; not just leave it up TO me to do the work myself. We need to secure income for HIM... And we need to get ON all of this as soon as he gets back because ALL of this stuff is going to take TIME to accomplish. If he's going to file for Social Security; approval will take TIME. Anyway... We have a LOT to do, and I'm SO excited!!! Rather than saying "2 more days", I'm saying "day after tomorrow". It sounds shorter. Lol
Another reason I'm so glad he took care of this whole Candy situation is that I just know that if he didn't... He would've been 'with' her the rest of the time he was there. He would've 'lived as her boyfriend'; not thought anything of it. Broken up with her, probably once IN NH. If he didn't know how MUCH it upset me... He probably would've left things the way they were to make life easier on himself. But he knew it was really upsetting me... It would've caused further damage to US; and would've delayed our 'new beginning'. It probably 'bothers' him that I 'know' as much as I do... But I do; and I can't help it. I AM 'who' and 'what' I am... And I don't ask or expect him to understand it; just accept me... And LOVE me for ME. I've been NOTHING but good TO him and FOR him... So, I don't really understand why he wouldn't. His choice... But supposedly, he's choosing TO love and accept me; I hope. Lol He says he doesn't want to live without me; he's miserable... Yeah, well... You've been miserable EVERY time you've been without me. How many times does it take to LEARN? Lol How many OTHER woman do you NEED to sleep with to find out that you will NOT have with them what you have with ME...? It's GOTTA be 'A Guy Thing'... Granted, there are SOME women like that too; but the MAJORITY are MEN. I just don't want to be let down this time... But IF I am; I WILL be gone... For good. I will travel on my own or whatever; but it will BE on my OWN. A person can only be let down and take so much disappointment from ONE person... This will be where the line is drawn. It was already drawn after he left here and went to PA for another woman that he HAD been messaging and talking to WHILE with me... So, he needs to realize that THIS is IT; END of the LINE. I did a LOT of cards... Saw a LOT of things, and did a LOT of thinking before I came to this. If THIS fails... Nothing is GOING to work because HE won't LET it.
We already know that there's pretty much NO ONE in our favor... So the reactions we'll get will be NOT so good. Oh well... They're OUR lives, and we WANT to live them TOGETHER. Therefore, we're willing to take the steps to DO so... If others don't understand that; I guess, we're sorry for them. We NEED to see if we can make this work... For OURSELVES. If no one can understand that; then again, I guess, we're sorry. I truly didn't think I'd find myself here after everything... But after everything I SAW in the cards... I AM here. I gave it a LOT of thought. I've also already told him what the deal IS this time; and I AM different now. If he doesn't follow through... I'm gone. If he doesn't help support; I'm gone. If he treats me badly; I'm gone. If he cheats; I'm GONE. If I find out that he IS doing ANY of his 'old habits'... I'M GONE; FOR GOOD. 'Playing' on the internet, messaging other women, FLIRTING with other women around, LYING to me, calling me names, breaking my things, CHEATING on me... ANY of the 'old habits', I'M HISTORY. He's either gonna BE, ALL the MAN he can be... Or I'm gone. This will be the last time he will have a chance to MAKE a 'fool' of me... Never again.
OK, Mom... Josh and Tori are actually gonna come get Sully so I need to go get him ready. PLEASE let everything go RIGHT for me and Ken this time... Don't let ANYTHING get in our way. Let him have a SAFE and pleasant trip home; as much as possible with an ex. Well... Not AS pleasant as possible. Lol YOU know what I mean... Lol I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Wow. I didn't get up until 6:15 this morning... And OMG it's only 7:15 right NOW and my phone is RINGING!!! KISS MINE... I'm TELLING you, Mom... This job is OUT of control; I'm SO DONE. These LOW LIFES can take ONE last look at my BUTT... As I'm WALKING OUT THE DOOR. As for the remainder of my time here... They were SO happy with me and ALL that I accomplished here, and HOW I 'ran' things. Well... That has ALL apparently 'changed' since the whole 'Josh and Tori' fiasco. It turned into that I 'choose' to run things the way I do, and that everyone ELSE just collects the rent and says 'bye'. So GOOD... That's EXACTLY what I'M going to do from THIS point on. Collect rent, and SEE YA!!! I'll answer the phone... During BUSINESS HOURS. I'll answer the door... During BUSINESS HOURS. I'll do business and rent rooms and/or apartments... During BUSINESS HOURS. Other than THAT... NOPE!!! I have a LOT of OTHER stuff on my plate I need to get accomplished. I all of a sudden have to at least consolidate my stuff in the basement into ONE cage IMMEDIATELY. Then, from there, it ALL has to be GONE; ASAP. So, I don't have time for ANY 'Extras' anyway. Not for Sarah or ANYONE. I never thought I'd see the day, Mom... That I would HATE this SO much... And even some of the people. I'm so sick of the ignorance; people thinking that I'm 'stupid' and that they can come here and 'pull one over' on me. Even Josh was telling me last night about the stuff he's HEARD first hand since he's been hanging out here with Tori; because she knows people, hangs out WITH 'the junkies'... She got to hear a LOT of things that people were saying about me and Josh was RIGHT there; them NOT knowing HE was MY son. LMAO TOO funny... He said he didn't want to tell me all this time, because even HE was under the 'impression' that EVERYBODY just LOVED me because of what I've done here and so on. I told him, "Not everybody; not the junkies". Lol THEY STILL think they can come here and 'fool' me... But they DON'T; and I KNOW that THEY HATE me. Lol He was relieved... Lol What THEY want to do is turn this place into what it WAS; and they HATE what I do here. Josh said "FACT!!!" That was EXACTLY IT!!! They WANT this place to BE a CRACK/DRUG HOUSE and a haven for prostitutes... I know. Lol Not while I'M here, though. SOME get through and manage to even stay for a while... Like RIGHT NOW in Rm #222; smoking crack and a prostitute. He's under eviction AND I'm gonna call his PO. Lol I can do that... And WILL. I'm NOT stupid... FAR from. I know things that, somehow... People don't KNOW how I know. GOOD. It's called 'INTUITION' and I HAVE IT. I have GOOD intuition... I READ people... WELL. I sense things; even from a distance. I AM my Mother's Daughter... ;-)
So... Ken and I have been talking now since what... Sunday? He's planning on coming home to be WITH me... STILL hasn't told HER. I told him last night I feel she won't know anything until it's TIME for him to come home... So... He lives with her AS her 'boyfriend' the entire time he's there; talking with ME, telling me he 'loves' me and is coming home to me to start a 'new beginning'. The 'new beginning', IF he were serious, should have already begun... IF he truly 'loved' me. You really think a BB Gun would've stopped ME from being honest? I didn't think so... So... IF he's able to come home after his appointment on the 20th, I guess that's when she'll find out he's no longer her 'boyfriend'. But if he's NOT... I guess this will go on, and on, and on... Up until as far as July 2nd when he originally planned on coming home...? So... I guess it will take longer for he and I to PUT 'he and I' back together again. How can we? Would YOU be able to after being shown this? Someone 'telling' you they love you, but not 'showing' you with their actions. Actions speak louder than words... Staying with someone ELSE while telling YOU they want YOU speaks volumes; sorry. Even under the circumstances... I love him and want this to work; but we already HAVE so much work to do to GET things going. Why cause more 'damage'? I know he wants me to 'trust' and 'have faith' in him... How? Our history... How? He needs to earn that; and he's not off to a very good start... We've done well this week, talking and keeping things on a 'good level'. I don't want to fight about this whole Candy thing. I just want him to take it upon himself and DO the right thing... Which he, apparently isn't. So, what do I always say? C'est lavie... I can't and won't 'make' someone do something. If he's not willing to 'just do it' FOR us... So be it. The damage is and will be done. I JUST want this OVER... ALL of it; then OUT of here. The sooner, the better.
When Ken gets home, we have to start working immediately on income for him so that we CAN get going on getting OUT of here. I don't know if he's gonna file for Social Security, or what his plan is. For what OUR plan is, that might be the best thing. I don't know how we can travel with him working. He might be able to do 'odd jobs' on the road for extra money. Lord knows, Ken's capable of 'selling' himself; one of the things I love AND can't stand about him... Because he uses it for 'bad' things sometimes. That's when it pisses me off... When he uses it to benefit us in a POSITIVE way; GOOD. But otherwise, keep that to yourself. Lol We're gonna need money to BUY what we need to go, as well as travel. I want something decent so that it's not breaking down on us all the time. I want it looked at by Ken Lee before we go... I want anything DONE to it that it needs before we go... We're gonna need a tow dolly for my truck; THAT'S definitely coming. Lol I want a REGULAR vehicle to drive for regular driving. When we're 'parked' somewhere, we want to go somewhere; we have the truck. We have things to accomplish before we go... I don't care if we get the RV, park that somewhere for a while; live in it together for a while to GET things accomplished, just so that I can GET OUT of here... We could park at a camp ground for a while or something; get stuff accomplished, then move on from there. It would be a fairly cheap way to live WHILE we're doing stuff. I've BEEN thinking... Even before he contacted me... Of these things; BECAUSE I want OUT. But if he wants it with me... He'll have to work WITH me ON it. I'm not doing the 'work' by myself. That includes with the monetary part of it... Two people cost more. I'm done supporting other people and being broke all the time... I'M either gonna get some help through this life, or go through it alone; it's easier. Lonely, but easier.
Well... I wonder if Sarah 'got wind' that I was planning on leaving or something...? I just got a nice text from her telling me that even though today is Friday, my busiest day... She hopes that I can get outside to enjoy the beautiful weather; and that she appreciates ALL that I do around here. She knows she doesn't tell me enough, but that she does... Hmmmm... I wrote back, "Wow. Thank you." She continued on about Blayze and how well HE'S doing; Josh, and she knows it's probably just a phase... Sully is lucky to have me and is ALWAYS welcome here; she hopes I'm happier in my apartment now... Just WOW!!! Lol So, I asked her if she and Tyson were happy with David, and she said that they DEFINITELY were. GREAT!!! I KEPT telling them that they WOULD be. He wasn't someone that I JUST met; he's someone that I could ACTUALLY VOUCH for. I've known him for 34 YEARS of my life. He actually helped me raise my boys for some years; we LIVED together for years... He's my BROTHER, for God sakes. Not biologically, but does that matter? That's how we FEEL... I KNOW this man; he's NO stranger. So... Perhaps SOME things will go back 'to normal'. That would be nice... I didn't like that our relationship had gotten 'strained'. I adore and respect Sarah... I HATE that she felt she couldn't trust me when I'm DEFINITELY one of the MOST trustworthy people walking this earth. I get PUT into PREDICAMENTS; and THAT'S not fair. I DON'T lie, cheat or steal... I've been FORCED to 'lie' FOR people; like when David didn't want certain people to know he was IN jail... I HATE that. People DOING things WITHOUT MY knowledge, then I get reprimanded for THEIR actions after the fact. It ALL bothers me... But what can I say??? I tell them what really happens, but it doesn't matter; it's STILL my fault somehow. I'm held responsible... Because I'M the 'Manager' or the 'Mother'. Typical... Just something in life I'm tired of; being held responsible for OTHER people's actions, AND cleaning up OTHER people's MESSES and MISTAKES. I've been doing it my ENTIRE life... Time for a change. I'm too old for this crap...
Well, it's almost 10:00, and I haven't heard from Ken yet. I'm gonna go get ready for my day. I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... I have work to catch up on, but I figured I'd take this quiet time to write to you for a moment... Get a little something off my chest, since I just don't have anyone to talk to. I have to be careful what I say to Ken, because I DO want things to work... But does he realize that the longer he waits to end things with HER... The more he's just showing ME that he hasn't changed? And it just makes me lose faith... I did the cards; he IS gonna tell her, leave and come home to me because he loves ME. But the question is WHEN??? He didn't TELL me he found the BB gun... I had to ASK if he did. Then I said, "So now you can talk to her..." And he said, "Yes". Why did I have to ASK? Supposedly, THAT was the holdup, RIGHT??? So, if he found it; why didn't he TELL me that he did... Then say that NOW he could talk to HER, and END their 'Relationship'...??? GOOD question, I think... And I can tell he gets 'irritated' anytime it gets brought up. WHY? If the SHOES were on the OTHER FEET... HE would NOT want ME 'SHACKED UP' with some OTHER GUY. PERIOD. END of story. FACT is... I NEVER have. PERIOD. EVER... Since we've been together. I wish HE could say the same...
I have ALREADY forgiven SO MUCH; and put SO MUCH behind us... For him to continue to push THIS... It's INSANE. I could and probably should just walk away; then what? We BOTH lose out... Because HE couldn't just 'be a man' and END what should have NEVER BEEN in the first place. But if he wants to consider he and I together... He better END it with HER; and FAST. SHE may have NO problems being 'The OTHER WOMAN'... But I DO; and that's how I'm feeling. Even though I know I'M the one that HE loves and should BE with. Has HISTORY with... I love him SO much; and that's why this can upset me so much. Just PLEASE let this END, Mom... I can't stand it anymore. On top of everything else... I just can't stand it.
OK, Mom, I'm gonna get to work. I love and Miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Man, I put a different chair in here, and it's gonna take some getting used to. Lol It's Just a regular chair; not an office chair. No wheels or 'back tip'... Just a wooden chair. I'm TIRED of EVERY time I come in here... I get EATEN ALIVE; and I KNOW it's the chair. I took the chair out of here last night, and it's FINE now. No more itchies and no more red marks showing up ALL OVER me. I'm SICK of it... I've had Rick treat my office the last few months, but still... It keeps happening REGARDLESS. It's something about that CHAIR. So GONE. But I still need a different chair... This is NOT gonna cut it. Unless I do what I'm always yelling at the boys for doing; 'tipping' in the chairs while I'm writing to you. Lol And I don't know how long I can hold THAT up, AND it's not good for the chair. Lol
Mom... I love Ken and I am SO happy that he says he wants to and plans to come home. But this whole situation with Candy down there... Is pretty much... I don't know... Bull shit. I hate to say it, but... If it were ME and I were handling it with HIM... I would be handling it APPROPRIATELY, I guess. Nobody likes to be 'uncomfortable' or 'hurt' anyone's feelings; I get that. Nobody likes to put themselves in 'predicaments' that are difficult. Perhaps he shouldn't have 'jumped the gun' in the first place... Hind sight is 20/20... But if he TRULY 'LOVES' ME and wants to make THIS work with ME... I feel he needs to PROVE it; and holding onto HER is certainly NOT doing THAT; BB gun or NO BB gun. He claims he's not afraid; but he 'claims' a LOT of things, doesn't he? He 'claims' FIRST that he LOVES me and WANTS ALL of this WITH me. He 'claims' he WANTS to come home as SOON as possible. He 'claims' he's NOT 'really with her'; and he's sleeping on the couch. He 'claims, claims, claims'... Well, I want TRUTH and PROOF; sorry. He HASN'T TOLD her anything... He HASN'T BROKEN it OFF with her... He's STILL playing 'boyfriend' TO her... Which means their 'status' is STILL 'In a Relationship' WITH each other... Which means he's STILL HER'S and NOT MINE. I'm just 'The OTHER WOMAN' he's TEXTING while WITH her right now; something I'm NOT 'cool' with BEING... And he KNOWS it. I'm going to continue with my plans for leaving here because it's what I want, and I'm already working on it. I can't STAND it here anymore. If I could leave today, I would. IF it were possible to just grab ALL of my stuff and just pack up and go... I WOULD; for REAL... And NOT look back. Of course, I'd have memories and talk about it... But I would NOT have regret ABOUT leaving. I'm SICK of BEING here and the whole deal.
I've actually made some decisions... I AM going to start doing things a LITTLE differently around here. I've already started with my office hours; I don't answer the door OR phone before OR after my office hours; unless I CHOOSE to or it's PERSONAL. I'm 'canning' the Drug Contract... WHY BOTHER anymore??? They don't care... Why should I??? I put in a LOT of HOURS with people; hunting down drug usage, counseling people on drugs, etc. I'm done. From here on out... I'm gonna do this job the WAY I was 'brought in' to DO it... I'm here to 'collect rent' and 'show new rentals'. I've ALREADY developed them SO MANY tools and templates to use that make this place run like a BUSINESS; when I leave, they're ALL SET. Letter head, letter templates for ALL needs, fax template, updated Registration Form, Job Checklist, Room/Apt Clean Checklist, Mailbox List, The No Rent List, etc, etc, etc... They have anything they need for WHATEVER they need; just pull it up out of one of the LABELED folders. I set up the FILING system; they didn't HAVE one. Stuff was just shoved in a drawer in a mess of a pile. Wanna look up a past resident; they're in Alphabetical order now. Imagine THAT... With notes ABOUT that resident. But I'm SO TIRED of the 'little digs' I've been getting lately, since the whole ordeal with Josh and Tori. Like yesterday... Sarah said something to me about the paper towels. She said that she's "never said anything about [me] using them for [my] personal use; but it is what it is..." Ummmmm... EXCUSE ME??? The paper towels that I DO use for my PERSONAL USE, LAST me for MONTHS!!! The one in the hallway near the sink lasts a GOOD 4-5 MONTHS... The one in the bathroom, the same. For ALL the EXTRA WORK I put in around here, in my TIME OFF, the things I've done that I DIDN'T have to do... I didn't THINK it was such a BIG deal. But THAT'S fine; because I'm DONE DOING IT. Good luck to them once I LEAVE. I can only imagine what will happen once I DO. MANY people have told me THEY are leaving once I do because THEY are afraid of what will happen and of WHO will replace me. They are aware that I am what MAKES 'Edmond Terrace' WHAT it IS. Too bad my so called 'employers' aren't so 'aware' anymore... I thought, at one time, that they were. Perhaps, once I leave... They WILL be.
I wish I could get out SOONER, rather than LATER. I'm more sick of this than I am anything. I want out SO bad, I can taste it. When I get angry just because the bell rings... There's a problem. I REALLY don't want to do this anymore. YES, there are THINGS about it that 'bother' me a LITTLE bit about leaving... But LEAVING is what I want MORE. I'm DONE with all the BS of it; with Sarah, as WELL as the Residents, the 'Drama and Chaos', AND the rumors of what I SUPPOSEDLY said that I REALLY didn't. The stuff that sometimes gets back to me... OMG. I'm gonna start giving RANDOM Drug Screens... Lol Yeah. OK!!! I can AFFORD to DO that!!! Lol Ridiculous... If you fail, I throw you out. That's what happens if you ARE on a contract, and I'm DONE working with you. Lol But NOW... I'm DONE with the CONTRACTS. I'm DONE dealing with doing things the way I WAS... Because I'm UNAPPRECIATED. So SCREW IT!!! I'll just go on with MY life... But I SURE wish I could do it NOW. I want OUT, Mom... WHY does everything always take SO DAMN LONG??? Chad told me he's seen a bunch of RVs for sale around. I've gotta come up with some money... But I've gotta get through all my stuff first, too. Sully has to get settled with Josh and Tori, hopefully in June. Then I'll get David to help me get through my stuff; get Josh's stuff out of there... Start looking for one. Hopefully find a cheap enough one... And hopefully, Ken won't let me down. He'll get an income so that he can help me DO this... And we can do it TOGETHER. But the FIRST thing he needs to deal with is down there. If he doesn't deal with it... That alone lets me down. It speaks volumes in itself; and isn't a good beginning to OUR 'new beginning'.
OK, Mom... I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Sorry I didn't get in here to update you yesterday; but between it being a BUSY day, feeling worn out, having Sully all day because they didn't pick him up until almost 6:30 I think it was... Then brought him home just after 7:00 because he 'pooped' his pants; which was the RIGHT thing to do. Usually, they just deal with it... Nope. He NEEDS to learn; he's 'rebelling' and he had JUST gone TWICE before leaving. Anyway... Also, I DID hear from Ken and we were texting all day WHILE I was doing all of this. Lol I don't care... I want to be in contact with him while he's down there. This is hard, but if we can just make it through this little bit of time... He told me he wasn't with Candy; he really was with his friends. It made me feel better... I just hope he's being honest with me. I WANT to believe it, so I am. Lol It sounded true enough... But... He's done THAT to me before, too. Lol I WANT to put the past in the past, and I CAN for the most part... But as far as PROVING to me that he's going to be 'different' this time; that's still something that's going to have to happen. We've been through HELL and back; over, and over, and over... I don't want to go through it again. I want this to be the LAST time we ATTEMPT to make this work... And it just DOES. I hope he's REALLY learned this time... He REALLY ISN'T happy WITHOUT me; it's JUST a FACT. He really IS 'in love' with ME; it's JUST a FACT. I may not be the 'type' of woman he's 'gone' for throughout his life... But I'm the 'type' he fell in LOVE with; for REAL. He's TRIED, even while WITH me to find what he FEELS with me with other women... And CAN'T. So why keep looking? Lol WHY LOSE what makes you SO HAPPY, 'chasing stars'... When you've already found 'your Heaven'? People need to realize that a LOT of the time, we're responsible for making our OWN Hell... Then we create it for the ones we love. There are just certain morals and standards that are important to live by in ALL relationships... Friends and family included. You break those; it creates a 'Hell' for all those involved. Stay within the 'guidelines' of the PROPER morals and standards; things USUALLY will go relatively smoothly, with the usual 'bumps in the road'. Nothing and no one is perfect... There will always be SOMETHING that pops up along the way. You face those issues, head on TOGETHER; and everything will be OK. As long as you're always HONEST and FAITHFUL to one another... Everything will be OK; because you'll TRUST one another... Beyond ANY doubt; and I WANT that with Ken. I want to TRUST him. But he will have to EARN that; with his ACTIONS... Not just words. I want to be able to trust what I HEAR, as well as what I SEE; because in our history... There were issues with both.
He said he tried to talk to Candy last night, but she was taking a walk with the neighbor. He also said that he's been sleeping on the couch the last few nights... I hope all of that is true, too. I also hope he truly does intend to talk to her about the TRUTH of what's going on; she deserves to know. Whether he 'tells' me the truth or not, I'll know; just like I have all along... I'll 'see' it. But frankly... She was the one that was 'talking' with HIM while HE was with ME... Then he moved down there to her. So, do I have any issues with this? No. What did I say about Karma? I don't know what or if Ken has gotten any for his... I know their 'relationship' hasn't been 'peaches and cream'... I saw that in the cards. I'm sure it hasn't been all that maybe he expected, wanted; whatever. Especially for such a move. But... Can I say that I'm sorry? No. Lol Back when all this happened, ALL I was telling him was that I couldn't be with him at that MOMENT because of what was going on with Sully... I had to wait until the INSANE accusations that were made were cleared up; and they were. Michele was the main one pushing those... Josh was the one saying he didn't BELIEVE ANYTHING occurred. Anyway... I had to put my Sully as a priority; he's my grandson and we couldn't LOSE him. We were in the midst of a custody battle. It took a month to get him back... On my birthday of all days. BEST present I could've gotten. But I wasn't saying, "I don't love you and don't want to be with you". I was saying, "I can't RIGHT NOW because of the SITUATION." Then he said he was leaving... And he went to her in PA. I knew he had been 'conversing' with someone; I felt it. I didn't want to 'accept' it... I wanted to believe that things were different that time; but they really weren't. I'm not sure if it was because WE never had 'intimate' time together, and HE needed 'an outlet'...??? But his 'outlet' should be with HIMSELF; NOT online or involving ANYONE ELSE. He and I always discussed that. I KNEW that the lacking in OUR time was an issue... It bothered ME, TOO. I wanted 'alone time' with MY man; but locking my SON out of the room when he KNEW it was for sex, BOTHERED me. I kept my sex life AWAY from my children their ENTIRE LIVES; it doesn't matter that they're adults now. We TALKED openly... I believed in being 'honest' with my boys; about anything they wanted to talk about. I was their Mother and their ONLY 'example'. They would talk to me about, pretty much anything. But when it came to me HAVING sex... That was MY 'personal' life. Ken and I are both 'sexual' people; him more than me in the sense that he's 'a guy'. Lol He's not as 'choosy' as to WHO he sleeps with... Me... I am. I'll go YEARS without it, as well as stay SINGLE for years; not even date... Because I'm 'picky' about WHO I 'associate' with. But I think since Ken has been with me, and fallen 'in love' with me... He's learned the difference between 'sex' and 'making love'. I realize that 'learning' the difference between the two different lives he's lived has been difficult; he's been a 'ladies man' his whole life, pretty much. Now, to settle down to ONE woman??? Lol WHAT am I expecting him to DO??? Lol What's NORMAL; THAT'S what. Lol But I DO get that making such a 'change' in life takes time and is difficult... But I got QUITE hurt and 'damaged' throughout the process. So... THIS really NEEDS to be the FINAL STRAW DRAW. From here... I'm moving on with my LIFE. I want to buy an RV and travel; still be here for my family... See them, even meet up in Cali like Josh said. I want to GET GOING on MY LIFE. So... It's either going to be WITH him... Or not. But I'M going. I HOPE it's WITH him... It's what I WANT. We have things to figure out first... Like what HE'S gonna do for income; we can't live on MINE alone. He's gotta file for Social Security or something... And have it coming IN before we leave. We NEED TWO incomes before we head out on this endeavor; and we need to tie up some 'loose ends' here. Once everything is set... On the Road Again... Lol We can travel and see sights together... Explore OUR relationship the way we NEVER GOT TO... Of course, I'd like to have SOME opportunity to do SOME of that when he gets home, too. It's still gonna be difficult though; with our 'situation'. He can't live here, which means we won't be sleeping together a whole lot. He's gonna have to stay at his parents house or get a place of his own. We'll probably end up doing a lot of what we did before, just to be together... He'll be able to stay over here and there; but with Sarah and Tyson... It can't be much and certainly not every night. A few times a week maybe... It doesn't mean though, that we can't have 'private time'... David is my 'roommate' now; not my son. I have NO problem looking at my brother and saying, "Sorry... Get out!" Then locking the door. Lol He'll understand. Lol David's no 'virgin'... Lol David and I KNOW things about each other that NO ONE knows... We'll take to the GRAVE. Lol So, kicking him out to be alone with Ken for a while? Yeah...No. NO Problem!!! Lol Of course, Ken and I have things to work on before we get THERE... But we'll get there; we always do. We love each other... And once we have some of the 'wrinkles' ironed out; our 'love life' should be back to pretty AWESOME... As it was, usually; as long as he was JUST with me. I could tell when he wasn't, and THAT'S when things between us THERE 'weren't so hot'. Or when the 'guilt' of his actions overrode, and he COULDN'T 'enjoy' himself with ME... Those times were HORRIBLE for me. I don't want us to HAVE anymore of those times... WE LOVE each other; and I just PRAY that he's LEARNED enough over the course of this time to NOT REPEAT anymore of the MISTAKES he's made. If he hasn't... Then he never will; he will continue to be the kind of man he HAS been... And I will just have to move on. I know I've given him more than enough chances; but definitely enough TIME to learn from his 'mistakes' that he KEEPS repeating. Once is a 'mistake'; twice is just pure 'stupidity'. These 'mistakes' have occurred MORE than once or twice... THIS time HAS to be the LAST time... And it WILL be. I'm ADAMANT on that point; because FROM here, MY life begins. I'm leaving FROM here to begin MY 'new life'. I hope it's WITH him... And I hope he will be the man that DESERVES me.
Today is his 48th birthday... I SO wish he were here to celebrate it with ME. Instead, he's down THERE... With her. I don't know what he'll be doing; he said he has no plans. I find it hard to believe that SHE thinks they're still 'a couple', but has made NO plans for his birthday... But OK. She mustn't be THAT great of a woman OR 'girlfriend'. For Blayze's birthday, I had jack SHIT in the house for ANYTHING... I was on the internet, searching for a recipe for a CAKE I could make from SCRATCH with what I HAD in the house. I FOUND ONE!!! Lol And made it... Came out pretty GOOD, too!!! Lol I even altered the recipe a bit, so that I could make the WHITE cake, chocolate; then made peanut butter frosting. I DUG in my cabinets to DO it... But I DID it. Why? Because it was his BIRTHDAY. I would've done the same thing for Ken if he were here and I were in the same position. I didn't do it JUST because Blayze is my 'child'; he's an ADULT now and TOLD me I didn't need to make him a cake. YES I DID!!! It was his BIRTHDAY!!! I've been up since 5:00 again this morning, so I sent him a couple of Birthday texts to get up to. Lol He's trying to get money up so that he can come home after his doctor's appointment on the 20th of this month instead of the beginning of July. I SO hope he can... He said that Candy gets paid around then, and that SHE would be willing to drive him home. Maybe if he tells her they're no longer together, she'll just want him gone and drive him home. Lol THAT would be AWESOME. Lol Maybe that's not nice of me... But at this point, I don't care. NONE of what happened to ME was very 'nice' either; was it? I think I'm handling this ALL pretty 'nicely', in retrospect. I'm not some 'psycho-bitch', threatening her, or anything... I just want the man I love back; he was 'mine' in the first place. No one can 'steal' someone away from you that doesn't WANT to be 'taken'... However... I don't think Ken REALLY WANTED to leave as a whole; it was the situation at the TIME. But he NEEDS to stay OFF of the internet, and AWAY from 'temptation' of other women if he WANTS to STAY with ME. Otherwise... I'M HISTORY... For GOOD. I won't BE 'the other woman'; and I won't BE cheated on for the rest of my life. I'll stay ALONE for the RIGHT reasons instead. It might get lonely... But it's easier than all the OTHER BS. I just hope he follows through with EVERYTHING he's said to me... I hope he tells her today; for REAL. I hope he manages to get the money to come home after the 20th; even if SHE has to drive him... It would JUST be the BEST thing, rather than him HAVING to stay THERE. The more 'delays'; the more that COULD 'go wrong'.
You know, Mom... I REALLY can't WAIT to get OUT of here. I've been in my office since a little after 5:00. At 6:25 AM, one of my residents that I've served about having DOGS in their apartment, came and RANG MY BELL. Did I answer? NO. I'm SURE she's a LITTLE ticked off... Gee, like ME??? Because I served her a FINAL WARNING yesterday, stating that if the dogs weren't gone by LAST NIGHT, I would NOT be renewing their rent TODAY; and they would need to provide PROOF that they were GONE. Hey... When these people FIRST got here, I liked them. Since... NOT so much. This woman, I've given a LOT of help to with her father. I don't even charge RENT for HER; ONLY her father. Then, she brought her FRIEND AND SON into the apartment to live TOO. FOUR people in ONE apartment on a ONE person rent... Wasn't that NICE of you to take ADVANTAGE of me like that...??? THEN, you got TWO dogs when on the very FIRST line of the RULES, it states, "NO PETS allowed in the BUILDING." FIRST LINE... Not only is it in the REGISTRATION FORM you sign when you MOVE IN; it's HUNG ALL OVER the building in the 'Rules of Conduct'. FIRST LINE. She didn't get one dog; she got TWO. And you know she KNOWS she's breaking the rules, because they SNEAK to bring them outside, what LITTLE they do. HOW do you expect to HIDE a DOG in an apartment where they're NOT allowed??? Dogs BARK!!! And not just one, but TWO!!! Angel told me yesterday that the SMELL is HORRIBLE. He had to go into the hall and clean the carpet with deodorizer because the smell from their apartment is leaking INTO the hall. That means the dogs are RUINING the carpet and Sarah is going to have a FIT!!! She can't say I didn't do MY job... I served them TWICE; second one, FINAL WARNING of Non-Renewal as of TODAY if they're NOT gone with PROOF of them being gone. I'll GO look, too... Oh... AND my PHONE has been ringing OF THE HOOK and it wasn't even 7:00 AM. I OPEN at 8:00. WTH??? These people NEED to GET A CLUE!!! I don't answer the door OR the phone anymore when I'm NOT open. If I'm closed; CLOSED means CLOSED!!! Lol
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. I gotta go take a shower while I still can. OH!! I almost forgot! My POOR little Poopy... PLEASE watch over Poquito... He has a boo-boo on his eye from blunt trauma from a branch. He got hit by one outside the other day. Mom called me last night. If they didn't catch it in time, he could've gone blind! :'( He should be OK now... I love and miss him SO much and I haven't seen him in SO long because of everything going on. Blayze and I have been SO busy... Mom said she'll try to bring him over. But anyway... Please watch over Mom, Dad and POQUITO. Make sure my little Poopy heals OK. Please watch over Ken and help him accomplish all that he needs to in order to get home to me, so that WE can move on with OUR new life together. Keep him strong, Mom... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... I just think this is an appropriate song for my situation... I DO love him; but he makes it 'hard' sometimes... OTHER people shouldn't have so much 'control' over your feelings and emotions; and they definitely should never 'leave you hanging'... Especially when they 'claim' to 'love' you.
Hard To Love - Lee Brice
I am insensitive, I have a tendency
To pay more attention to the things that I need
Sometimes I drink to much, sometimes I test your trust,
Sometimes I don't know why you're staying with me
I'm hard to love, hard to love,
Oh I don't make it easy,
I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood
I'm hard to love, hard to love,
You say that you need me,
I don't deserve it but I love that you love me good
I am a short fuse, I am a wrecking ball
Crashing into your heart like I do
You're like a Sunday morning full of grace and full of Jesus
And I wish that I could be more like you
I'm hard to love, hard to love,
Oh I don't make it easy,
I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood,
I'm hard to love, hard to love,
You say that you need me,
I don't deserve it but I love that you love me good
Love me good
Girl you've given me a million second chances
And I don't ever wanna take you for granted,
I'm just a man,
I'm just a man
Hard to love, hard to love,
Oh I don't make it easy,
And I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood
I'm hard to love, hard to love
And you say that you need me,
I don't deserve it but I love that you love me
Hard to love, hard to love,
Oh I don't make it easy,
And I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood
I'm hard to love, hard to love
And you say that you need me,
I don't deserve it but I love that you love me good
You love me good
You love me good
I guess, whatever... And C'est lavie. Life is about 'choices'... He apparently made his; I've heard nothing. I guess I'll make mine... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... I know, it's early. Lol That's why I figured, I'd 'Light a Candle' instead of 'Lay a Flower' this morning. Lol I woke up a little before 4:00 to go to the bathroom... Then David was stirring; got up, turned on the kitchen light... That was the end of it. Lol I just got up. As usual, I have a lot on my plate today... And OMG, 'Humble and Kind' is playing. Lolololol I know I've gotten 'harder'... But, Mom; I'm telling you, and you MUST see... That I've HAD to. MY LIFE IS HELL. The way people try to walk all over me, TELL me HOW to do MY job... The WRONG way. Lol Tell me how 'unprofessional' I am... Lol Oh, yeah... THAT ONE KILLED ME!!! LMAO I'M unprofessional... OK. YOU want ME to call you, come find you, basically HUNT YOU DOWN because YOU didn't come pay YOUR rent... Play YOUR 'Mother' when THAT'S not MY 'JOB'. I DID MY 'Job'... I served you a 'lock out notice'; then when the day came, I locked you OUT. I'm sorry... But not really... That when you got home from the hospital, your door was NOT able to be unlocked with YOUR key because YOU didn't call OR PAY your rent BEFORE you went into the hospital. WAHHHHH!!! DON'T stand in front of ME telling ME how 'UNPROFESSIONAL' I AM and that I DIDN'T do MY job because YOU didn't LIKE the result of it. I did EXACTLY MY job, thank you very much. Then she sat in my office on the phone while I wrote her receipt... COMPLAINING to the person on the other end of the phone about what was going on and about ME. Just get the HELL out of my office because I DIDN'T even have to accept your RENT at that point, as I had ALREADY TOLD you. BITCH... I'm NOT your MOTHER, Guardian, Aunt, Sister, or even your FRIEND... I'm your LANDLORD. PAY YOUR RENT or I will THROW YOU OUT. PERIOD. Get confrontational with me, and you'll be THROWN out the door even FASTER... Probably HARDER. Lol Kidding... But SOMETIMES, I'd LIKE to revert back to some old time days... Lol BOUNCE a few people OUT the door. Lol See??? I NEED to get OUT of here... I'm not my 'sweet, adorable' self anymore. Lolololol
As for an update on me and Ken for now... We texted all day yesterday... Until he told me that he was going to, supposedly a 'friend's' house for dinner... Then he would text me when he got back. Even when he texted me, I felt he was gonna be with Candy; but I'm just trying to be 'cool' about the whole thing because there are basically 2-1/2 weeks left to this deal... He has to be down there. However... He DID TELL me that he's BEEN 'honest' with her ABOUT me. Do I believe it? Not necessarily totally... He's a 'talker'; he's told me a LOT of things he WANTED me to 'believe' from the get go. That's fine... I know that about him. I know a LOT of things about him, and I try to accept him for who and what he is; I only ask that he change the 'damaging' characteristics. However again... He IS trying to make things work with ME supposedly... And IF he is... Then things he's said to me he SHOULD follow through with. He SHOULD tell her we're talking and trying to work things out; and that he WILL be returning home TO me. They should also change their 'statuses' on Facebook; they shouldn't BE a 'couple' anymore... He shouldn't BE WITH her anymore; and that INCLUDES 'sleeping' with her anymore. He shouldn't be showing her 'affection' anymore... He wouldn't want ME up HERE doing it; and if HE'S gonna have 2-1/2 weeks of 'freedom' down THERE... Then that means I have it UP HERE. What's good for the GANDER, is good for the GOOSE. I won't be having sex... But I COULD DATE; WITHOUT a problem. I've already been asked... Just yesterday AND last night... 2 different men, and there's a third that WANTS to, but I avoid him. Lol Lord knows, there are others, too... But those are ALWAYS avoided. Lol I don't want him playing games with me... But the thing is... I'M not playing. He's either gonna REALLY DO this; or NOT. One way or another... I'M out of here; and my plan has ALREADY started. I'm keeping on top of it... As far as HE goes; the rest is up to him from here on out. He either makes the right decisions... Or not. I WILL know...
Josh and Tori got a Truck!!! It's a red blazer... Looks a LOT like my Explorer. It's a '96... It was Michele's. It broke down on her last week and Tori was with her. SHE was smart enough to know that it would only take a $30 part to FIX it; and Michele's attitude was that SHE didn't want to deal with it... She gave it to Tori!!! YAY!!! Tori picked up the part and fixed it HERSELF!!! AWESOME!!! So now they have a RUNNING vehicle, and the plan is that NEXT month... They'll get an apartment, THEN Josh will get his license. I think my text DID get through to him... He HAS caused me and Blayze SO MUCH trouble and shame the last couple of months at the very least. He needs to get it together; for himself AND Sully. I think the 'tough love' Blayze and I have been using on him lately has worked... It's HAD to. He's had to fend for himself... He and Tori. We talked last night, and even HE'S for me leaving here; of course he always HAS been. Lol He's also for me TRAVELING... I told him my plan is to buy an RV and HIT THE ROAD in a little bit of time; within about a year. He said, "GOOD, MOM!!!" He told me to look on Craig's List... Lol I told him THAT was my plan... He and I saw one on there for $700 that they JUST wanted to get RID of because they bought a NEW one. It said "GREAT condition; RUNS GREAT". He even said HIS plan is to get HIS shit together and head back to Cali; which I knew... He talks about it ALL the time. He said maybe we could all meet up there. I'd LOVE THAT!!! The boys and I have talked about going to Cali together for YEARS... So that would be a dream come true... <3
Luke came by a couple times yesterday for a visit. He's trying SO hard to get me to go off with him somewhere. Lol I keep telling him no... Now, he's trying to talk me into doing Flea Markets with him. Lol I told him I have 'stuff' I'd be willing to LET him sell for me and keep some of the profit. I need to go through all my stuff; get rid of as much as possible, and I need to start doing that ASAP. Once I get caught up on my work, David and I will start going through storage... Get all of that taken care of. Not only do I HAVE to get it gone now... But I WANT to, in order to be 'prepared' for my departure. I don't want to be paying storage, unless I have to... And I'm not gonna be lugging around a ton of stuff. If I can make a little money on some of what I have; that would be great. But HE wants me to do it WITH him... I told him it's NOT MY thing. I'll GO to flea markets to SHOP; but I don't want to go sit or stand at a TABLE to SELL stuff. Lol It's NOT my thing... He was like, you can socialize, walk around, shop... Do whatever you want. I said, "You just want me THERE with you, don't you?" He said, "Well, YEAH..." Lol So, I said it again... "It's NOT my thing..." Lol But I'm MORE than willing to let him sell my stuff for me... Jenn came to my office with some bar stool to sell him. OMG... Lol He offered her $2 at first. Lol He bought it from her... But then she went to the kitchen, grabbed these ski boots that have been SITTING in there... They belonged to SOMEONE ELSE... She gave them to him and said, "If you sell these, GREAT! Keep some and give ME the REST!" Lol After she walked out, I TOLD him this... "Hey, Luke. I'm the MANAGER of this building and THOSE belong to SOMEONE here IN this building. So IF you SELL those; YOU keep SOME money, and I want the REST, OK?" Lol He just looked at me... Lol Then he caught on and smiled big... He went and put them on the floor in my hallway. They got left behind. Lol I've told him about her... How I've GIVEN her GIFTS and she's SOLD them to residents for money... How she STEALS from my storage, and goes and sells it for money; etc. He gets it. Lol Needless to say... The 'gift giving' has STOPPED. Lol Even if I see something I feel she could USE... I don't give it to her. I KNOW she'll just SELL it. I gave her a BEAUTIFUL winter jacket last year because HER'S was in TERRIBLE shape. She sold it to a resident that it DIDN'T even FIT for $30. Lol It would've fit HER GREAT. It's just sad... I know she needs money... But to treat OTHER people that way is JUST sad. I'm SO glad YOU raised me to be the person I am, Mom. I may have changed a bit; because OF other people and the way THEY have treated ME over the course of time... But I'm STILL a good person. And once I'm out of here... Perhaps I'll get more of 'myself' BACK. I won't be under the constant 'stress and pressure' I am here.
I don't have a problem with rules; they exist for reasons. But I DO have a problem living under someone ELSE'S 'Rule' to such extremes ALL the time... Where I don't have much say about my OWN life. I've told my boys, their ENTIRE lives... "As long as I have a roof over MY head, you'll always have a roof over YOURS." How do you think I feel, as a MOTHER... Looking at my CHILD, and YELLING, "GET OUT!!!" How do you think I feel, as a MOTHER, and telling my CHILD that he's NOT even ALLOWED to enter the BUILDING of where I LIVE??? There's a HUGE basement underneath me... And not only was I not 'allowed' to use just a PIECE of it for storage (even though I ended UP doing it anyway, not of MY choice), but I'm not 'allowed' to help my children when THEY'RE in need. If this were MINE... I would be able to. I understand and exercise 'Limits'. But even with ME... I'M not 'allowed' to have a 'life' of MY own? A 'relationship' if I chose to? A 'live in' lover? Why? Because THEY don't 'pay' rent? I work MY ass off ENOUGH to cover BOTH, thank you very much; and HAVE for the LAST TWO YEARS. What I GET in this 'arrangement' does NOT COVER what I DO. I SHOULD be getting a paycheck on TOP of it... And OTHER people have TOLD me the SAME THING. They would NOT be able to get another 'me' in here to DO what I do for FREE. The next person in this chair will MORE than likely run this place the way it WAS before and the way the OTHER properties are run; so they will GET 'their wish'. When we were having our 'discussion', Tyson and I... He made a comment about how I 'choose' to run this place the way I do; and he's right. I'm the kind of person I am, and I run this place like a 'business'. It WASN'T being run like one before... But I'm ALSO 'personable' with people; AND professional. THAT'S WHY people LIKE me... That's WHY, other than that this place is CLEANER than the rest of Manchester... Lol That people LIKE this place and even come BACK here, is because of ME. My residents are ALWAYS telling me that when I leave; so are they. I've been talking about it this past week, openly... I have a LOT of 'upset' and 'ready to leave WITH me' residents. Lol Sarah may have a LOT of turnaround upon MY departure. Lol A LOT of people are here BECAUSE of me... Sorry; I BUILT this place into what it is now... And MOST people KNOW it. Even professionals.
All I can hope for them... Is that they have better luck as parents than I did. Of course, they're together raising Cameron; they have a better chance than I did. I was alone in the 'Parenthood' game... But no matter WHAT your child does, it reflects on YOU, as the parent; good or bad. But especially BAD. Lol If it's cold out, and your CHILD doesn't dress appropriately; even if YOU put the RIGHT kind of clothing OUT for your child... TOLD your child to WEAR their jacket, gloves, hat... EVERYTHING. But then THEY went out in a short sleeve shirt and NO jacket... It's YOUR fault, and EVERYBODY in the WORLD is gonna say, "WHY does that child's PARENTS let him/her go out WITHOUT a JACKET and DRESSED like that???" Lol Yup... We ALL do it. It's not necessarily the PARENT'S fault... It's the DAMN KID that DIDN'T LISTEN to the parent. Lol How many times did MY boys do it to ME???!!! COUNTLESS!!! Lol I'd LAY their clothes out FOR them... LABEL their drawers... They had 5 jackets, MULTIPLE sets of boots, gloves AND mittens but could NEVER find a PAIR. Lol WHY??? Because they DIDN'T LISTEN to what they were TOLD to do. Then in the SUMMER... It was LONG sleeve shirts and hoodies. LMAO OMG, SHOOT me in the HEAD!!! You can PREACH until COWS produce CHOCOLATE milk and HELL freezes over... NOTHING is going to change in ANY generation; so don't expect YOUR child to be ANY different. Lol Expect YOUR child to embarrass YOU. What did YOU tell ME, Mom? "Why should YOUR children be ANY different than anyone ELSE'S children in the world?" Lol Because they were MINE; THAT'S why. Lol Because I SAID so... Lol Yeah, THAT doesn't fly. Lol But my point is... They may have a few 'rude awakenings' coming their way. Children bring you JUST as many heartaches as they do heart warmings. NO man has broken my heart like my child... Because you don't KNOW LOVE until you have a child. There's NO love LIKE it. And believe me... Especially now; I've known love... And have had my heart broken; but still no comparison as to the heartache that can be caused by your child. It's DEFINITELY 'unconditional' love... Your child brings you SUCH joy; yet at the same time, can cause you SUCH pain like you never thought possible. Then, as time goes on... You've forgotten all about it. I've actually written about things that happened that hurt me SO badly with the boys; then found what I wrote later on in years time. After reading it, said out loud, "Wow... I forgot ALL about that." Unconditional love. At the time, I was SO hurt; I felt devastated that my CHILD would DO such a thing to me... But then, it was forgotten. In a relationship, you forgive; but NEVER forget. It's a TYPE of 'unconditional' love... Just different. It's a 'willingness' to put past in the past, in order to 'move on'.
I'd like to know what Tom's deal is since the whole 'texting' thing... First, he was blowing up my phone and hanging up. NOW... He's having OTHER people call me and ask about 'availability'. WTF??? I REALLY HATE 'GAME Players'... I'm just STRAIGHT UP; Cards Face Up on the table. You don't like it; OH WELL... Move on. THERE'S the door... Don't let the door knob HIT YA, where the GOOD LORD split ya. Lol Just DON'T CALL. I'm just gonna let the calls go to voice mail when I see his number come up; I'm not dealing with this BS anymore. I don't want anyone 'associated' with HIM here anyway. That would mean that HE would be 'popping in', and I DON'T want THAT. He might just be having people CALL; not even for rental purposes... I just don't need any hassle; PERIOD. Just LEAVE ME ALONE, please. LOSE the number... Go smoke your crack, read your bible, preach your BS and have a nice life.
OK, Mom... I guess that's enough venting for now. Lol I'm gonna go take a shower and get ready for the day. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. PLEASE help Josh and Tori get an apartment for next month so they can take Sully home with them so I can get going on MY plan for MY life. THAT would be GREAT!!! I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Well... I guess I have a lot to tell you; while 'Humble and Kind' is playing. Lol How ironic... Lol Too funny. Anyway... Well, people can say anything they want about our cards... But they are what they are; and they tell the truth, just as they always have. It was Ken... And Tom... That were going to contact me. Tom, I wanted nothing to do with, and I put the brakes on that. I KNOW he's still smoking crack and needs to 'practice what he's preaching'. Besides that... I'M not someone HE'S going to 'change or control'. Playa... Lol Figures Josh and Tori would LOVE him... Lol I had reservations from the get go. Yeah, he was a 'great guy' in a lot of ways... But there were a LOT of flags, too... And I paid attention. Anyway...
Ken and I texted, literally all day yesterday... We talked about a LOT. We talked about our feelings... Which is something that the cards said we'd do. Neither one of us ever WANTED this... We were 'forced' into it. We didn't discuss that Candy is someone he was 'talking' to before he went there... We DID discuss that we want to put the past IN the past; and that we'll talk more when he comes home in July. He'll be coming back July 2... For good. It looks like we're gonna give it another shot... We'll do it differently this time. We will NOT live together HERE... We will stay APART until I'm out of here. This place destroys us... But he ALSO knows that it's HIS actions that destroy us. HE has to change... He brought up that when he gets back, he'll change his phone plan to JUST 'Talk & Text'; NO data, so he WON'T have internet... No more Facebook or access to sites that would get him into trouble. That works... No access to internet should help. We talked about possible plans for WHEN I'm ready to leave here; which will hopefully be around the end of the year-ish. Let's say, within about a year... We're gonna need time to 'get our house in order'. He likes the idea of traveling, too... Somehow, I knew he would. :-D We're BOTH 'adventurers'... If we could get him set with Social Security, get an RV... Get everything set in the interim... We could hit the road together. In THAT interim... Hopefully, Josh can get things settled for him and Sully, so that I don't have to take HIM with us... Because I WILL if I have to. I WILL raise Sully if I have to... And I don't think Ken has a problem with it. Somehow, along the way... Maybe we can 'wipe' Ken's record clean... Like it SHOULD'VE been ANYWAY. I don't feel he should have to live with that anymore... Neither of us should. I know it will cost; but it would be worth it... He worked a lot this year. Maybe he'd be willing to use his tax return for it... It would JUST be SO worth it, NOT to have to live with that anymore. That will just be another thing we discuss... He never should've had to live with it in the first place. I hope he'll be willing... It will be his choice, but I HOPE he'll be willing.
You know how I believe in signs and you know how so MANY have happened over the course of these couple months... I find it funny that just yesterday, before he texted me that funny text... The 'reminder' for his birthday popped up, and I even showed it to David. Lol I was like, "Look..." David said, "You should just delete that. You don't need reminders." Lol Then RIGHT after, literally... My phone went off, and it was Ken. Lol He sent me a funny text about a Fruit Loop in a bowl of Cheerios. Lolololol A joke between he and I... I HAD to laugh RIGHT out loud. I couldn't BELIEVE he found something with that on it... I'M a 'Fruit Loop in a bowl of Cheerios'... Lol That was a joke between us. There were times he'd look at me and just say, "Hon, you're just SO adorable..." And I loved that. I loved that he FELT that way... And I could see that he meant it. :-) We laughed a LOT together... I miss that.
He said he wasn't gonna wait to tell Candy; he said she already knew about us... That he loves me. He said that he's showed her pics of us, and that she actually said he looked happy; and that he said that he was. He DID always look happy when he was with me... I told him he could smile now, and he said that he was BECAUSE he was happy. I asked him if he knew how he could tell... So he asked me how. I told him to take a pic of when he was WITH me, and a pic of now... And to compare them. He said he already did that. He said that Candy even commented on him looking happy... He sent me a pic of him at that point. I told him he wasn't smiling and didn't look happy. He said it was a pic he took a week prior. Well, no wonder... Lol He DID always look HAPPY in pics WITH me, AND in pics by himself during times he was with me. In pics during times he's NOT with me; even when he's with someone ELSE... He doesn't look happy. It's just a fact. Even the pics that were shown TO me, where he was WITH Candy... He doesn't look happy and he's WITH her; holding her. He didn't look like that holding me... That's all I can say. Actually... All I can say is... I guess it's because he 'genuinely' loves me. Actions speak louder than words... Eyes are the mirrors to the soul; and his 'love' shows in his eyes... Or even lack there of, and on his face. It is what it is... I'm not out to hurt anyone. I got hurt... Did SHE know about ME when she was 'messaging' with MY man all those months ago BEFORE he moved down there? His pic was WITH me on facebook and the 'Coffee' site. Don't tell me she DIDN'T know I 'existed'... But... I leave everything up to Karma; as I always do. He's not staying, is he? He'd be a fool if he did... They do it WITH you; they'll do it ON you. I saw THAT in the cards, too... ;-) She's no prize... And she may be 'into' some sort of 'weird' stuff... I don't know what that means; she may have some sort of 'issues' he's either aware of or not. Lol You just never know who you can trust, do you? But that's none of MY business... I just hope he gets out without getting things thrown at him. Lol
I wonder if he'll really tell her the truth about 'us'? I'll know... Whether he tells me the truth or not. Lol He must hate that about me... Lol I know that there are people that do; and then there are others that find it 'funny', and some find it 'amusing'. Lol Others find it 'annoying'... Lol I can't help it. That's ONE of the reasons I keep my mouth shut so much. "Don't underestimate me... I know MORE than I say, think MORE than I speak, and notice MORE than you realize..." FACT. That's why I have that hanging in my office... People NEED to know that about me. EVERYTHING in my office is relative TO me. Things outside my office are things I believe in...
I wonder how Sarah and Tyson will take it when I decide to give my notice...? Oh God. Things have been in such 'up roar' the last couple of months BECAUSE of Josh and Tori... I really had to lay a few things on the line about what I'VE been here and accomplished here. They couldn't argue... But I know that I 'look' different in Sarah's eyes BECAUSE of them... THANK YOU SO MUCH, Guys. NONE of this has been MY doing. I only want and wanted to be a GOOD Mother and Grandmother; but somehow, some way... This 'chaos' has to END. Some of it has, because Sarah and Tyson said they couldn't come in the building anymore. THANK YOU!!! Now my area stays neat and clean all the time. Lol I don't have to deal WITH them ALL hours of the day and KICK THEM OUT at un-GODLY hours so that I can go to bed. They need to get a grip on REALITY... 'REAL' people don't live the way THEY do; good, responsible, RESPECTABLE people; and that's not how I raised him. Of course, he FOUGHT me the ENTIRE way. Lol He's had this 'idea' in his head his ENTIRE life of how HE wanted to live... If I DIDN'T know better... I'd think BILLY was his father. Lolololol He has the SAME kinds of ideas about LIFE in general. You were probably right, Mom... I went out with Billy while pregnant with Josh. SOMETHING about Billy's DNA got through to Josh SOMEHOW!!! Lol When he kissed me, or SOMETHING. Lol It got IN there... Then, I was MARRIED to Billy when Josh was 4 years old; GREAT. So he had Billy as a 'role model'... GREEEEEAAAAT. Lololololol Josh got to hear ALL about that 'underground house' that Billy used to LOVE talking about and wanted to build for US. NO THANK YOU!!! Lol I wouldn't mind a cabin in the woods, or on the water, or something like THAT... But an UNDERGROUND HOUSE??? I'll pass, thank you... Lol He, apparently had a relative that built one. Well, GOOD for THEM!!! Lol Go live with THEM!!! Enjoy... Lol I don't KNOW how Marj stayed with him for TEN YEARS. I only made it 5 months married... Lol I HAD to get OUT. He changed... He became a monster, and I wasn't sticking around. I had Josh and I was pregnant with Blayze... He wasn't gonna destroy me; and believe me... He TRIED. For a LONG time... He tried to KILL me and Blayze; time and again... Unsuccessfully. We're still here. ;-) I have a purpose to fulfill.
Well... I guess that's it for now, Mom. I'll keep you posted about me and Ken. I wonder if he'll feel the same way today. He told me to text him when I'm not busy, so I will. I think I'll text him 'Morning' like he used to me... Lol I'll flip it on him. I wonder if he's awake. Anyway... Please watch over Mom, Dad, Poquito, and I'll add Ken in there now. Lol Keep him strong in what we're trying to accomplish for US. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Wow. I must've been exhausted; I stayed in bed until almost 7:00 this morning. Lol Not only is that unusual for me on ANY day; but I actually got to sleep in on my ACTUAL day OFF!!! Lol Just WOW!!! Lol I still woke up a lot and got up a couple of times to go to the bathroom... But all in all; I slept pretty well AND slept IN. :-D It's a MIRACLE!!! Lol But the dreams... They gotta mean something. I don't know if they're because I've been talking about 'being on the road' so much... If they're because I WANT to be 'on the road'... Or if they're because I'm GOING to BE 'on the road' eventually; but my dreams are OF me 'ON the road'... But NOT in an RV; it looks to be in the cab of a truck...? I don't mean a regular truck... I mean a BIG truck; a 'big rig'. Am I mixing up memories of when I was a little girl and went on rides with my Father; because I LOVED that!!! Or possibly stories that Ken and I talked about all the time of he and his Mom and Dad... And even the 'desires' that he had of driving a truck? He and I have THAT in common, too... Like so many other things. Both of our Fathers drove truck; his drove 'cross country' though. I rode with my Dad on local trips, but I LOVED IT!!! He used to let me shift AND work the choke... I grew up a LOT like 'a guy'. Anyway... In my dreams, I'm laughing and talking to SOMEONE; but it doesn't show a face... Or even the vehicle; just me sitting in the passenger side. But it's no RV... This is JUST weird... What am I gonna do; take up with a trucker? Pack up, and get the hell out of here? Lol Wouldn't THAT be something...??? Lol In a way... A dream come true. ;-) I'd get to do that traveling AND get out of here; ALL in ONE whack. Lol Just weird dreams, Mom... But they GOTTA mean something. I've been having them on and off for a while now; which is why I've been thinking about the whole RV thing. I know I can't go get my CDL and DRIVE truck... I can't do the whole 'load/unload' thing; and I'm not looking to WORK with a truck. I just want to LIVE... So an RV would be perfect, right? Or get involved WITH a trucker... But they don't have the 'best reputations' for being faithful lovers. But if you're traveling WITH them... Better possibilities? Look at Mom and Dad; SO in love after all these years. They have their little quirks... But they REALLY LOVE each other. <3 If I could have something like that, I could have fun in life AND love, too. I'm probably just 'dreaming'... Lol But it WOULD be nice.
I went and got my nails done yesterday... But you wouldn't believe what I had to go through TO get them done. I've BEEN asking Blayze to bring me; but I even said to him that I'd wait until the weekend, because I was sure he wouldn't want to do it after work. Well... His attitude is he wants his time OFF, TOO. Just WOW... We were on our way home from the graduation and I said I wanted to see if they did 'walk ins'. He complained because he'd have to go pick me back up... From DOWN the street. EXCUSE ME??? So I looked at him and said, "You know... It's pretty sad that I CAN'T even get a ride with MY OWN truck. I've WAITED all week for your day off... I remember GIVING an awful LOT of rides to places, such as GAMESTOP, even AFTER I WORKED all day... But that's OK." Then I got quiet... IT got quiet... When we got back to Manchester, he brought me to the nail place without a word. Why? Because I was RIGHT. Do I GET where he's coming from? ABSOLUTELY!!! Do you have ANY idea how many nights I wanted to just come home and CRASH???!!! But couldn't. Why? Because THEY wanted me to TAKE them somewhere or MANY places... And I DID. So now that Blayze has HIS license and use of MY truck... HE can do it for ME, thank you very much. I will say... He DID take it upon himself last week to take the truck somewhere and have the exhaust fixed and PAID for it himself. THANK YOU!!!! That's something I would have done for YOU, Mom. That made me feel so good... Apparently, there are a couple of rust spots on the doors that we need to have fixed in order to get a sticker. So we'll have to take it to Danny's shop. OK!!! So, we're on our way... The major stuff is DONE... And my nails look GREAT! Lol :-D
Josh and Tori called last night... Apparently, Tori has gotten a car. Good! Hopefully they'll be around more to see Sully. They certainly won't have an excuse for not having a WAY here now, will they? Josh said that HIS goal for this month was to get his license... So when I see HIM, I'm going to ask him WHAT he's accomplished; IF anything. I assume I will hear that NOTHING has been accomplished, knowing my son. What will he have for money left? Not much, knowing my son... So, what will he get accomplished for his license and for Sully this month? NOTHING, knowing my son. WHO'S fault will it be? EVERYONE ELSE'S, knowing my son. NO, Josh... It's YOURS. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET MOVING. Your OWN life is your OWN responsibility; NOT everyone ELSE'S. What goes RIGHT or WRONG is your OWN responsibility; NOT everyone ELSE'S. GET MOVING!!! I want to get moving on my OWN life... And when I say 'moving'... I MEAN MOVING!!! I want to 'live' now; while I can. I've dedicated my life to them long enough. They're adults now... And so am I. I want MY life now... Before it's over. It doesn't mean I won't be here for them anymore. It just means I don't want to FIX things and clean up their MESSES for them anymore. THEY need to BE ADULTS and do it THEMSELVES now... Like I have, MY entire life. They gotta learn sometime. I won't be here forever... Not even a phone call away. There's no phone line to Heaven. If there were, I'd be on it DAILY. Lol
I can't help but think though, Mom, that the song 'Humble and Kind' keeps playing for me, over and over... I HAVE changed; I've gotten 'harder and colder'. I'm still me deep inside; I'll never change... But life these last couple years has definitely changed me. These are the words to the song:
You know there's a lot that goes by the front door;
Don't forget the keys under the mat.
Childhood stars shine, always stay humble and kind.
Go to church 'cause your momma says to.
Visit grandpa every chance that you can.
It won't be a waste of time;
Always stay humble and kind.
Hold the door, say 'please'; say 'thank you'.
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie.
I know you got moutains to climb, but
Always stay humble and kind.
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you.
When the work you put in is realized.
Let yourself feel the pride, but
Always stay humble and kind.
Don't expect a free ride from no one.
Don't hold a grudge, or a chip and here's why.
Bitterness keeps you from flying...
Always stay humble and kind.
Know the difference between sleeping with someone,
And sleeping with someone you love.
"I love you" ain't no pick up line, so
Always stay humble and kind.
Hold the door, say 'please'; say 'thank you'.
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie.
I know you got mountains to climb, but
Always stay humble and kind.
When those dreams you're dreamin' come to you.
When the work you put in is realized.
Let yourself feel the pride, but
Always stay humble and kind.
When it's hot, eat a root beer, a popsicle.
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down.
Let that summer sun shine.
Always stay humble and kind.
Don't take for granted the love this life gives you.
When you get where you're goin',
Don't forget turn back around.
Help the next one in line,
Always stay humble and kind...
Sometimes when this plays... I'm feeling SO angry about my situation. I feel like you're trying to remind me of WHO I am and 'supposed' to be. One day, I had to smile and giggle... Right after this played; so did 'Peter Pan'. Lol So, what was THAT message? Lololol Oh, Mom... My life AND emotions are so 'messed up'. I always seem to want what I CAN'T have... 'In the moment'. I want to leave... And can't. I want a life... And can't HAVE one. I want a relationship with REAL love... And can't HAVE one. Just ANYTHING I WANT... I CAN'T have. Maybe I should 'try to fool' fate? Lol Yeah, right... Lol 'Pretend' I don't want anything, and MAYBE I'll get it anyway. Lol Again... YEAH, RIGHT. Lol So, 'Auto Pilot' mode continues...
Well, I guess that's it for now, Mom. I'll end with asking you to watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Angel kick MY family, please... This so called 'LIFE' that I keep dreaming about... I really wouldn't mind it becoming a REALITY. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Hi, Mom... Wow, what a day. Aleta graduated... Irene was upset at people from her actual family. Members that actually showed up, didn't bother to stay and even see Aleta. Her brother Phil was the only one that showed up from her family; her father couldn't be bothered. But Aleta's father and other brother were there... Me and Blayze, and we brought Sully... Marcus, of course. It was nice... And it was nice that the ceremony was all completed BEFORE the rain hit. Lol We were on our way home and everything before that occurred. So, successful day...
Tom kept calling and hanging up yesterday... I don't know what he's trying to prove...? That he's an asshole? He already proved that... Lol Or am I supposed to 'bite' on that, and either text or call HIM back so that he can DENY that he was calling me...? Lol Yeah... NOT happening. Lol I don't play games... You want to call or text me? Go ahead; I'll respond. But don't act like this 'Big Playa' with ME... Meet 'The Coach'. Lol Sometimes... I know what you're gonna do... Before YOU do, 'Playa'. Lol You can heed the warning... Or not... Make the right choices... Or not. It's ALL up to you... But I'M not playing any games.
They usually make the wrong choices. Lol So, What do we say? C'est Lavie...!!!
Now, ironically... I still haven't heard from Ken. Lol Him, I wouldn't MIND hearing from. Tom, I don't WANT to hear from. I texted Ken, I think it was yesterday... To let him know that I told Sully 'Hi' for him like he asked me to... And that I could tell by Sully's reaction that he DID remember who Ken was; and I didn't need to show him a picture, or anything. I thought Ken might like to know that... I asked Sully if he remembered Ken; the man he used to call Pepe'. He said "Yeah". I told him that he said hi... Sully smiled big and got happy... And said, "Oh, he said hi? Oh, I say hi, too..." He remembered Ken. It got to the point when Ken was still here and Sully was here... If Ken came home from work; Sully would say, happily, "Hi, Pepe'!" The moment Ken came through the door... It was adorable. Lol I wanted to let Ken know that Sully DID remember him... Lovingly. He said he was gonna text me the other night; but never did... And I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if I upset him somehow? Or if his girlfriend is upset with him or something...? I don't know... He said he'd always make time for me; but I guess not. I was actually kinda hoping this was a start to us being able to be friends... I never wanted him out of my life; I always felt we meant too much to each other... But maybe that's just me. If anything, we proved our 'connection' IS still there... Lol We DO have 'something'... That's NOT my imagination. I do feel that if we had the opportunity to actually 'explore' our relationship, rather than have all the 'obstacles'... Things could possibly have been different... Maybe? Or am I 'idealizing' again because it's what I WANTED...? I loved him... I can't and don't deny it; THAT would make me a fool... Or at least more of one. I gotta get out of here... Do they make little purple RV's? Lol
I've thought so much lately about possibly, where I could have gone wrong with Ken. The thing is... I would've had to make some VERY hard decisions; that I'm possibly more ready NOW, to make. Ken doesn't know that I realize that he is 'an adventurer'. He also doesn't realize that I am, too; but had to stifle that to raise my children and be a 'responsible adult and Mother'. All of my life, I've lived 'by the seat of my pants'; 'in the fast lane'; 'on the edge'... All kinds of cliches' that my own Blessed Mother used to describe me. I want my freedom back SO BAD, I can taste it. I used to just 'hit the road' and travel at the blink of an eye... It used to drive YOU, my Blessed Mother CRAZY. I'm sorry for that now... I was sorry for that when I got old enough to REALIZE, so I stopped. I didn't want to cause you unnecessary heartache. I now KNOW that heartache... But anyway... For quite some time now, I've been thinking about getting an RV and living in THAT... Just wherever. Traveling... Seeing places I've never seen; which would be a LOT of places. Lol I wouldn't be paying rent; I'd just be paying 'survival'... Like I do now. It would be nice to have a partner for the ride... It's nothing I can do right NOW anyway. I gotta FIND one and get a few things straightened out first. But as SOON as I can... I'm GONE. I'm tired of this THING I call 'a life'... I'm not living. I get angry whenever I hear the bell ring. I resent my phone, so I ignore it most of the time... I want OUT. I want my OWN life... Please help me get it, Mom.
OK, Mom... I'm EXHAUSTED, so I'll close with asking you to watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Get My family moving... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Well, yesterday was a very productive day. David and I got a lot done. Having him here will be a BIG help to me; personally AND professionally... For as long as I decide to stay. I don't know how long it will be; for as long as I HAVE to, I guess. It will still be 'hard' to leave here; I 'built' this place into what it is now... And I still am 'who' I am, and need what I need... But I need something different; and I need to get away from the STRESS of my life. It's gonna kill me... And I've survived some pretty amazing things; by all rights, I should be dead. Lol Pinned under vehicles, gang jumped with weapons, the multiple men in my life I lived through with domestic violence; I literally had to fight, just to survive... Never mind all the OTHER things I've lived through and survived. I've thought numerous times over the course of my 'older' life, the 'experiences' I've had, and how fortunate I am to even be alive. Lol Fortunate... Is that the right word? Lol I'm kidding, Mom... Sortof. Lol ANYWAY!!! We got a LOT done yesterday, and he even had the chance to IMPRESS the Duperron Family; Bob and Joanne included. Sarah came to meet them for lunch and saw some of what was done with Bob and Tyson. David did some stuff while they left for lunch and had it ready for them when they got back; nothing that Blayze would've taken upon himself to do. Lol They're gonna LOVE David!!! Lol I guarantee... They've NEVER had ANYONE like US work for them before. ;-)
When we were down in the basement, we pointed out what cages were my stuff; because MY stuff was never supposed to be there in the first place. But then when it ended up there, it was only supposed to be there for 2 weeks to a month; TOPS. I never got the help to go through it that I needed... So it's been there 2 YEARS. Now, some of JOSH'S stuff is in there TOO; because even though I told him NOT to, he put stuff out of his van down there. So I got 'reprimanded' for that in the beginning of all of this. I explained it got done without my knowledge; I found out AFTER the fact. Well... It caused for ME to have to get MY stuff out now. At least I have David that will actually HELP me now. I couldn't GET anyone to help me before... No matter HOW much I begged. David's like me; yeah, it SUCKS... But it needs to be done; so let's JUST DO IT, and get it DONE. Him having the same attitude as me, makes MY life easier. Having another 'neat/clean freak' around makes MY life easier... Lol We work a lot as a team; which is how I even tried to 'make' things work with me, Ken, and even Blayze; but just me and Ken would've been nice. For instance... David will go down to the basement and DO laundry; brings it up... Sometimes, even folds it; sometimes, doesn't. If it's folded, I put it away. If it's not, I fold it and put it away. TEAM WORK!!! Do you know how MANY loads of laundry I used to do that would end up just SITTING in my room... Waiting to be folded and put away; by ME because no one ELSE would take it upon THEMSELVES to do it??? Lol I guess it was just MY job to do EVERYBODY'S laundry; wash, dry, carry it UP from the basement, fold, sort AND put it all away. A lot of the time, I'd even end up putting BLAYZE'S away because otherwise, it would just sit in the KITCHEN CHAIR, and make my kitchen look like his 'closet'; which it WAS, in a sense... But it didn't need to LOOK it. The sink never has dishes in it since everyone is gone because I ALWAYS do my dishes... But so does David. The kitchen is always clean now that everyone is gone. My room is always clean, except when Sully is playing; but toys are just 'clutter'. The bathroom is coming back to what it was... Lol I got all the stuff out of it that ended up in there from EVERYONE. It looks like MY bathroom again instead of a 'Community Bathroom'. Things are coming together in THIS aspect; but in others...
Yesterday, I could've killed Josh. His van was parked over at Shiloh; Tyson sent me a text with a pic of it saying he needed to move or he was going to call Shiloh and have THEM have him towed. OK... I tried contacting them. Tori wasn't with Josh and SHE couldn't get hold of him either. Long story short; he was supposed to have an HOUR to have it moved; TWO hours later, he was found IN the van... DRUNK, sleeping with Cassey by Tori... Which, in turn, caused a SCENE... Which caused the cops to be called. Did I do anything? NOPE. You MADE your bed; LAY in it. Nothing happened, luckily... But then HOURS later, about 5... They were STILL there when Tyson texted me to check. I warned him again he will be towed. Where I didn't hear anything back, I'm assuming all went well and they got out. I woke up this morning to a text from Josh, thanking me AND apologizing, saying that his phone was bone dead. Yeah... And Cassey had it while he was drunk and left it at her house. I texted him back telling him FLAT OUT that I hope HE'S prepared for what Sully has to say to HIM when HE gets older and is as 'well versed' as Josh has been to ME telling ME how I 'F-cked up' HIS life when ALL I've done is be a GOOD Mother to him. I also told him that it has become PAINFULLY clear to me that I should probably just end this and do what I DON'T want to do, and just take custody of Sully, since I'M raising him ANYWAY. I love him MORE than words can say, but that he and Tori have brought me MORE hurt and shame in the last couple of months, and destroyed what I have spent the last couple of YEARS building for myself. I told him to TAKE the responsibility and FIX IT. They want to blame others; but the life they lead is their OWN; NOT ours, and WE shouldn't have to suffer the repercussions OF it... And neither should Sully. My boys 'suffered' some consequences of 'bad decisions' I made throughout their lifetime; granted. Parenthood is ALL about 'trial and error'. However... Once you SEE the 'error' of your ways, you CORRECT it; then don't repeat it. Or at least, TRY not to. Josh... He CONTINUES to lead this path; and it's just SELFISH and WRONG. Don't tell me that SULLY is YOUR FOCUS... Because IF he were, you'd BE HERE EVERY DAY to see him, hug and kiss him, spend time with him, and TELL him you LOVE him... Like a DADDY should. ANY man can be a father as long as he has the 'sperm count'; but it takes a REAL MAN to be a 'DADDY'. Sully CALLS you 'Daddy'... You BUY him nice things; but that DOESN'T make you a 'Daddy'. SHOW him love by BEING THERE, EVERY DAY. FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE!!! I NEVER really let you down... You may not have LIKED every 'outcome'; but I was ALWAYS there for you... No matter WHAT; good or bad. I didn't just stand behind you, I WALKED BESIDE YOU; and stood IN FRONT of you when necessary... To this VERY day. Maybe... MAYBE, someday you'll get it; you'll get what being a REAL and GOOD parent is ALL about; I HOPE. 'Tough Love' SUCKS... But at times, is VERY necessary with children, such as MY Josh. You DON'T always GET what you WANT. What you NEED is what's necessary. But you're supposed to EARN what you GET in this life... LEARN that. RIGHT DOWN to how people TREAT you. You GET what you GIVE. Anyway...
Well, I actually get a long weekend! I asked if I could close the office Saturday because Aleta is GRADUATING tomorrow!!! Isn't that EXCITING?!?!?! My Angel is grown up... She'll be going to college soon. Irene said she's gonna STAY in college until she completes her Masters; GOOD idea!!! I know from personal experience, that once you LEAVE school... You really don't want to go back. Lol I'm SO proud of her. I've missed them all SO much... Me not having my license REALLY screws things up. I can't see my family the way I want to... And they're so busy working on the house. Irene and I talked recently though, and she might come pick me up for a weekend; THAT would be nice. I'd LOVE to spend some time with them... I can't wait to get my license and FREEDOM back; like I SHOULD'VE had ALL along. Stupid ASSES!!! ANOTHER YEAR of my LIFE, just DOWN the drain... Right IN court paperwork, it has the RSA about the AGAINST scheduled payments; so WHY can't THAT just be thrown in her face??? I've been on Disability since 2010; that's 6 years. One other place tried to take me to court and we never even made it in front of the judge BECAUSE of that. Lol I signed that paper, and we went on our way. I think I'm gonna scan that and email it to my lawyer's office, saying THIS is paperwork FROM the Manchester Court...??? See what they say; IF anything. Probably won't accomplish anything, but I'll try. Lol Anyway, I can't wait to see everyone tomorrow!!! Aleta must be ELATED!!! I can't wait to see the progess on the house, too. Irene said the painting is done. Linda has just been... Unbelieveable... She doesn't get her way; she 'threatens' Irene. Last I knew, it was she just won't move in. OK!!! Lol Irene and I were like, SHE better get the house in HER name ASAP; it's in Linda's right now... I like Linda; but she's a controlling bitch.
You know, Mom... That's why it REALLY burned my butt when men in my life threw at me, in anger... That I was 'controlling'; because LORD knows, I'm not. I give SO MUCH leeway, I get screwed over. I get to a point, I 'put my foot down' ABOUT things... I SHOULD have SOME say about things in MY life. That's what 'relationships' are supposed to be like; compromise and have communication. You're supposed to care about the other person's wants, needs, desires... How they feel, just in general. That's love. You care about what they think... About you, or just anything. You don't have to agree; you just 'care'. I know I do... It's supposed to be 'human emotion'; but apparently not something that comes 'naturally' to everyone. That's a shame... Relationships would probably be so much easier if it did; and last longer. Lord knows, I could go ON about that, couldn't I? Lol But anyway...
Well, I guess I should go take my shower and get ready for the day. I want to get as much done today as possible, AND today is Friday. I'd like to have some 'fun' this weekend, if possible. OK, Mom... Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. I gotta call and see how they're doing. Please help my family... SOMETHING'S gotta give here, somehow. I want Josh to get his ACT together; for himself AND Sully. I want for HIM to raise HIS son, and for them to have a WONDERFUL relationship. Then I can go on with MY life; in peace... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Well, things are starting off well with David. Yesterday, Tyson came by and asked if he called; I told him he was here. So he said that he and Bob will be by today to start 'training' him in some things; such as how to change locks, do some dump runs, vacuuming, etc. I told Tyson it was funny he brought up vacuuming because David asked me when the last time the building was vacuumed... It was a week and a half ago; the last time Blayze HAD to do it. Lol So, David actually said that he was going to do that ASAP; and he DID... Yesterday afternoon. I came out and heard the vacuum; he was getting it DONE!!! How AWESOME is THAT?!?! He's only proving me RIGHT!!! Lol That he just gets UP and DOES stuff with-OUT being asked or told to... THANK YOU!!! Lol Why? Because it NEEDS to be DONE; THAT'S why. Lol David has the same attitude and work ethic I do... It needs to be done, so JUST DO IT. Lol AND he's a 'neat clean FREAK', THANK you VERY much... Lol
Wow... It's only 5:30 in the morning and the prostitute in Room #222 is ALREADY working??? I can't WAIT to get her out of here... I just saw a guy in a white dress shirt go in the room. But the guy that actually RENTS the room, wants to DENY to my FACE that she's a prostitute. OKAY!!! Lol Well... He's been SERVED his EVICTION for CAUSE; the first one I've served for cause in my Management. I've only ever served for non-payment. What an ASS... His 'Demand for Rent' part will go today to make it official; he didn't pay rent Monday. GOOD!!! I know he's planning on moving anyway... But you're NOT gonna continue to run your BS out of HERE. LOSERS... How can people even THINK like that??? Low lifes... Can just go around, having sex with JUST anyone; and for MONEY!!! PIGS. NO self respect or respect for what it's REALLY about. Well... My Blessed Mother... YOU, always taught me... "You LOOK how you LIVE". IF you had any kind of 'looks' whatsoever; don't plan on having them for much longer. You'll end up looking 'old and used up'... Then, who'll want you? You'll just be 'the OLD car on the lot' that EVERYONE had a ride in. NOT the kind of 'look' OR reputation I'D want to have... Man OR woman.
Tori actually contacted me earlier yesterday to see Sully for a couple hours... Still not for the DAY; but at least EARLIER and he was home BEFORE 8:00 PM. MAYBE they're finally getting it... I HOPE. Lol They NEED to. This is MY life that I'M sacrificing for THEIR child on a daily basis. He's my grandson; but not MY child; I already raised MY kids, and this is supposed to be MY time to 'LIVE'. So much for THAT... I'm still fighting for things I shouldn't HAVE to; like my license. My court date isn't until August... Bastards. They should JUST drop it... Anyway... ALWAYS a fight.
Blayze FINALLY got PAID!!! Therefore, so did I... FINALLY. That was a BIG help... Still doesn't give me much money for the month; but it's a HELP. Hopefully, David will be able to find, at least, a PT job. I'll help him file for SSDI and Welfare... We'll get THAT going. Meanwhile, he can hit pantries with Darlene, too... SHE has been a wonderful help to me. She's ALWAYS offering me assistance... She truly IS good to me. I think we understand each other's positions in life; just period... As women, mothers and grandmothers. We've had similar experiences and we DO similar things FOR people. She may have her 'little quirks' that are unlike me... But she's a good person, as a rule. I wouldn't steal from someone... I know she has. I 'overlook' these things. Lol I don't think she would hurt ME, deliberately...
I actually heard from both Tom and Ken yesterday... Tom was an ass; Ken and I actually had a nice conversation, a couple times throughout the day. Tom sent me a text that, I guess was supposed to 'sweep me off my feet'; and didn't... So in return, he just got 'vicious'. Lol I just remained myself and said that I hope he's doing well. That ended it. The text I got from Ken was just basically saying a 'friendly hello' and "wondering why" I hadn't texted him...? Well... Because he hadn't texted ME, which, as a rule, meant that he was with someone else. If I paid attention to one, the ONE text he DID send me back in April... It had "Ken <3 CS" on it; and I was JUST shown a pic of him a few days ago with some woman named Candy something; and the last name DID begin with an 'S'. I'd say, mystery solved. Lol Also, the profile said they were 'In a Relationship' with each other; the pic was of him holding her in some bar or something... It was definitely more than 'friendly' and "just some woman he met". Lol I don't know why he feels the need to lie to me...? We've been broken up almost 3 months now. I read cards; I've seen it in the cards, too... I tried NOT to; I tried IGNORING what I've seen because I don't WANT to know what's going on with him... So I usually just 'skip over' those parts; but I still 'see' it. I saw that they were together; had a break up... They're together again. It IS what it is... I don't WANT to know; but I know. We're 'connected'... He 'shows up'. When I read MY cards, I've even tried to read them as though HE'S not IN them... But I can't. I WANT to... But I CAN'T; and it's FRUSTRATING!!! Sometimes, I throw them out 3 and 4 times... He's STILL in there. Then sure enough... The contact... And it was an ex. I don't know, Mom... The 'connection' is definitely still there; we were still doing the same thing we always did yesterday... Saying the same things at the same time. Lol I don't know... I wonder if it will ever disappear? Anyway... He said he'd contact me last night but he didn't. He probably got tied up with Candy. Lol I gotta say though, Mom... Why does he have the 'taste' in women that he does? It's not all about looks... But I've been told numerous times throughout my life that I'm "every man's dream" because of all that I am; I have looks plus... But whenever especially Ken and I break up, he always ends up with these... I have to say it... Ugly women. What IS it??? Is HE so concerned with BEING 'the pretty one' that having an ugly woman is easier for him? He doesn't have to be so concerned with men hunting HER down. Lol But he never had to worry about that with me... I was never a cheater. Men love me; but I'M trustworthy. That's what's important... Oh well... Whatever, I guess. Lol Whatever makes him happy...
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Please get things moving with MY family so that I can get things moving with MY life... In SOME sort of direction other than here. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Well, it took ALL day yesterday; literally... But David is out! I had a ride arranged and everything... He didn't call until AFTER 6:00 PM last night. I didn't care; Blayze was home by then. The ride I had arranged kept coming to the door and 'bugging' me all day yesterday though... He was driving me CRAZY. He's one of the ones that has it pretty bad for me; he'll find any excuse as it is... I hated asking for the ride. He's a nice guy... BUT... I don't want to hear about all his 'issues'. Lol I have my own, thank you; and I've had mine since childhood. His started in his 40's or 50's and he thinks he's so bad off and needs major pain pills. Lol Get rid of your huge gut, quit drinking so much, eat right... It might be a good start. Lol He tells me he's "getting fat" but he doesn't eat much; that Roger eats more than HE does. Lol Well... I see Roger cooking in the kitchen, too; but Roger isn't as BIG as he is. Lol Luke even noticed when he was here how bad these guys 'have it' for me. He laughed when he was telling me what he 'saw' when I was talking with them... He thinks it's "cute" and "funny". Lol It kinda is. Just like he said; they don't have a chance with me and they fall all over themselves whenever they're around me... Lol I'm their 'Barbie Doll'. Lol They don't get to literally 'play' with me; we just have fun together...
David's so happy to be out, and he realizes that it was good to "get it over and done with". They were just hanging over his head... It was just weird how it all happened. Blayze takes him to the hospital, then all of a sudden, the police are there to arrest him on warrants that are about 25 YEARS old. Amazing... How things can just come back and bite you in the ass. Lol I hope he's learned his lesson. He says he has... He lived his life doing these things for SO long. He was basically a "Professional Criminal". Lol He's a genius at it... Which is why he understands there are certain things about THIS job that I WON'T be allowing him to do. Lol Such as, collect rent. I allowed Blayze to do that because I KNEW I could TRUST him. David... Not so much. Lol If he got desperate enough, he might try to 'rationalize' it in his head SOMEHOW... Then it will come back and bite BOTH of us in the asses. Lol NOT HAPPENING!!! I will remind him that things are done UNDER CAMERA for the MOST part. Yes, there are areas that aren't... But for everyone's protection; cameras are GOOD.
I took Sully outside yesterday afternoon to let him run around; I brought out some of my paperwork to catch up on. Josh ended up showing up, which was good. I let him take Sully from there... I told him he NEEDS to have Sully home ANY time he takes him BY 8:00 PM. It messes ME up, AND him when he brings him home so late. He needs to spend time with him during the DAY, and get him home EARLY. So then after picking up David, we grabbed him. Then, around 8:00, Tori texted me because SHE had just gotten back from being with her grandmother. She wanted to see Sully. I told her NO. Sully WAS still awake, but I said he wasn't... I'm NOT going to allow her to keep doing this. She is GOING to start doing things EARLIER. I told her TOMORROW.
I feel bad for Sully... And I feel bad for myself. I want the right kind of life for us both. We BOTH deserve a LIFE. He didn't ask to be born into this situation, and I EARNED mine. I want a DIFFERENT kind of life... I'd like to do something different for a change. I'm tired of 'answering' phones and bells. Lol Everytime I hear one, I get angry... People SEE my 'attitude' when I get to the door; even people I like. I DON'T want to do this anymore. I'm doing it because I HAVE to; and I'm here. It's where I live. I need and want to get out. Some day, I guess... When I can. Josh has to get his shit together so I can look into getting that RV. I think I want to travel... While I still can.
OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. A good Angel kick in the butt for MY family would be appreciated. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
"Morning, Mom... Sorry I haven't written; but as you've seen, I've had my hands full. Between having Sully full time and turn around here... I have one room left to do; thank GOD David gets out today. Not just for the help... I've missed him, too; even though he's been... A 'selfish ass'. Hopefully today, he'll just be happy to be OUT, and have a different attitude. Of course, Blayze has been off since last Wednesday, but goes BACK TODAY. Lol Of course... So when I NEED him, he's NOT available. I have to find a ride. He's gotten so selfish... It's all about HIS 'time off' and 'his rest' and 'sleep'. Oh really??? Lol Just wow... What about MINE??? I'm working, watching and raising Sully, running a BUILDING and I'm DISABLED and a heart attack/stroke risk... But NONE of that seems to matter. Oh... AND I'm their MOTHER and was and AM there for THEM ALL THE TIME!!! So WHY do I get EXCUSES??? I don't know, Mom... I'm confused as to what to do or what I SHOULD have done. Should I have done things differently? Should I have been a different kind of Mother? Should I have been 'harder'? Should I have said 'No' more? Should I have said "you're on your own" more? "Clean up your OWN mess" more...? Did I 'do' too much FOR them? Was I TOO much OF a 'Mother'? Because NOW... I can't seem to STOP BEING one... To anyone; but especially them... And I really want to. Not completely, of course. I just want my OWN life, and for THEM to have THEIRS.
Maybe I should've been like other Mothers, and instead of crying when Josh was turning 15 years old because he WOULD be turning 18 in 3 years and be leaving me soon... Lol I should have EMBRACED the thought of what I could do with my own life and what I 'gave up' to raise my boys; but they meant SO MUCH to me, I cried at the thought of them leaving me. That is, until it actually happened and I got used to it. I realized it was something I could get used to. Lol My 'neatness and cleanliness' all the time. Lol My money to myself never really happened... They always manage to need something. It will be a GOD send, the day I can actually have MY money, JUST for ME... NOT have to struggle SO hard to support SOMEONE else, or pay BACK others BECAUSE of someone else. I'm SO tired of struggling... I really just want to cry all the time; but can't. The tears don't even come. I'm so miserable and my emotions are SO confused... My emotions don't even know WHAT to do. I don't even know what to do with MYSELF most of the time...
Sometimes, I don't know if I want to write, or watch TV, or WHAT to do... I honestly don't feel like doing anything... Which means I'm depressed. I'm not happy with anything in my life. I'm just doing what I have to and it's a miserable way to live... I get more miserable as the days go on.
Luke came by to visit yesterday. He's pushing for me to 'get away' with him. As much as I'd LOVE to 'get away'... Not with him. I'm not getting myself into any 'predicaments'. I know he's 'hot' for me... Well, he can just 'cool' it down, because all we'll ever be is friends. I don't trust his 'type'. He's a 'playa'... He's a good musician; but I'm one 'tune' he won't be 'playin'. Lol He's been trying for almost a year now... Hey; it took JD 14 years. Lol As a rule, I'm 'picky'... I make mistakes. When men approach me that want to go out with me, I 'see' the flags. I decide whether or not I want to 'attempt' it or not. Like with Ken... I saw the flags; fairly good looking, but 'rough around the edges'. I knew he'd be a challenge. I actually DIDN'T expect him to be the 'gentleman' that he was; that was actually a pleasant surprise. Kinda spoiled me a bit. Now when men don't open doors for me, it's almost 'offensive'. Lol He really has that OVER a LOT of men... They don't realize HOW 'important' that IS to us. It's important to us to be TREATED 'like a lady'; especially when you ARE one. Something as little as opening doors; such a small gesture... But important; and he does it. Too bad he didn't 'get a grip' on the OTHER 'important' stuff... We would've been GREAT together. Now that I think about it... It's June... His birthday is next week. Hmmm... By then, it will be what... 2 months since I've heard anything from him. So, I probably shouldn't contact him to wish him a 'Happy Birthday'. He's probably 'settled' in his life and doesn't want to hear from me. If he did, he'd contact ME. So, I'll leave him be... I hope he's happy.
OK, Mom... I guess I'll go take a shower and get ready for the day. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Please help with my Family; get them going so MY life can straighten out and I can actually HAVE one. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"
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