My Blessed Mother at the age of around 70
Sybil Avis Poliquin-Dolber
  • 76 years old
  • Date of birth: Feb 12, 1934
  • Place of birth:
    Massachusetts, United States
  • Date of passing: Jan 23, 2011
  • Place of passing:
    Boston, Massachusetts, United States
May you always walk in sunshine, and God's love around you flow. The happiness you gave us, no one will ever know. It broke our hearts to lose you, but you didn't go alone. A part of us went with you, the day God called you home.

This memorial website was created in memory of our loved one, Sybil Poliquin-Dolber, 76, born on February 12, 1934 and passed away on January 23, 2011

                    <3 <3  You are the One and Only. There will never be another... <3 <3



Memorial Tributes
This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 22nd July 2017

"Morning, Mom. Well, as you know, Dad #2 passed away a week ago. He really passed before midnight, July 14; but, of course you know that a medical official has to MAKE it official by a brief examination. Then they officially make the call of the 'time of death'; which for Dad, was July 15, 2017 at 12:10 AM. Ken called me earlier in the evening to tell me that Dad wasn't gonna be here long; if I wanted to see him and 'say goodbye', I should get over there. I called Lisa, and she and Josh came right away to give me a ride over. I knew the moment I laid eyes on him, it was more than likely hours; not days. When I had a few moments alone with Dad, I got right up to him and let him know it was me; I knew he would hear me. I told him that we ALL loved him, but that it was OK for him to let go now. I kissed him a few times, and stroked his hair as I spoke to him. I wanted to give him comfort in knowing it was OK for him to 'go home'. Fortunately, for Dad's sense of peace... He finally let go. Unfortunately for ME, it got late and I needed a ride home; but I didn't want to leave. I knew; I just knew... Sure enough, I wasn't home an hour and Ken called to say that Dad stopped breathing. I got right back over there; thank GOD for Lisa. I wish to all that is Holy, that Ken had just come out and asked me to stay... I would have. But... Things, some of the time happen the way they're supposed to. They were all surrounding Dad; his actual family was with him. So, it's all OK with me; he was with his loved ones, and he went peacefully. Just like when it was You and me... JUST the way it was supposed to be. I'll cherish those moments, just as I do our entire relationship, for the rest of my life. <3   I'm just so grateful I had that time with Dad before he passed. I love him; and he loved and accepted me into his family, open arms from the get go... As a daughter. Both he and Mom; but I know it took Mom a little longer. She wanted to get to know me. At first, I was 'just another one of Ken's women'. But then she DID get to know ME; and I've been referred to as 'their daughter' for... Well, a good 3-1/2 years. Their actual daughter, Angela is a real 'piece of work'. Estranged; just like I am from everyone in MY family, except Danny and Dad. Well... One out of three brothers is better than none; and Dad seems to FINALLY be treating me with... More respect? I had to be in my late 40's, almost 50 for him to 'come around'. Haha   So, I hope you 'welcomed' Dad, and you two have finally met. I just know they all would've loved you, had they the chance to meet you.

As for other things... Obviously, the cards were right; I kept seeing the Death card, surrounded by Nines and Tens. Ken did call me, and the rest took off from there. We always seem to get back together in HIS times of need; I'm his 'comfort zone'. I wish I had one... Anyway... Cards were right on about things; his traveling and moving around; the 'women'. Even though it's all hurtful, I'm glad he got a taste of his own Medicine. He traveled all the way to TN to BE with Amy; and SHE sent him packing. Oh... But he managed to have meaningless sex with TWO OTHER women in the WEEK he was down there; besides Kelly Beard, the junkie prostitue right before he left. Of course, on the bus ride back to NH, he couldn't be lonely; so, he was 'chatting up' and flirting with someone ELSE'S girlfriend. He claims she lives in CA; but the messages between them indicate that they were AROUND each other while he was in TN. Maybe she's FROM CA... But whatever. I'm SO SICK and TIRED of dealing with 'the installment plan', so called 'relationship' we have and HAVE had for almost 4 years. Even with what I see in the cards about being his 'ultimate love'; how can I 'believe' him when he TELLS me he loves me? He throws the word around like a bouncy ball; as well as calling women 'sexxy' (how HE writes it), 'Baby', 'Baby Girl'… Etc. Those are supposed to be reserved for ME. The women he's SAYING it to, certainly do NOT qualify; I'm sorry. Then, I see where he tells Amy's daughter that he's 'loved Amy all [his] life'. Oh REALLY??? OK. Well, SHE only wanted to have sex with Ken; that didn't happen, believe it or not. She sent him packing; AFTER he 'got it on' with TWO complete strangers, and said the reason he couldn't with Amy was because he "can't just have sex with someone". Yeah... OK. That's how he's lived his entire LIFE; JUST having SEX with ANYONE. But I'M the "slut" when I told him I needed a week off; I needed to 'catch up'. I let him know that THIS IS IT. He either changes; or I can 'play', too. Like HE says, too: "What's good for the goose, is GOOD for the gander". He cheats on me again in ANY way, shape or form... I can play that game, too. NO, it's not my character to do such things; but if HE can send 'heart kisses' to other women; FLIRT with other women... I can do the same with MEN; and I WILL. He sleeps with anyone else... I have people I could call. GET what you GIVE, from NOW on. I've been an 'old fashioned idiot' for TOO long. I could never lower myself to do what HE does to ME; sleep with just ANYONE. But if he wants to even think he's gonna KEEP doing this to me, while I just 'sit, hurt and heal' for the NEXT round... THINK AGAIN. 'Installment Plan' relationship either turns into a 'Contract'; or I'M history. For GOOD. NO 'trauma' will bring us back together again. No one and nothing is worth what he puts me through. I WANT a LIFE with him; as long as he CHANGES. But I'm not gonna be the only one putting effort into it; then I get shafted. HOW am I supposed to 'have faith', Mom? Trust... Things earned; and he's 'earned' my distrust. To earn my trust, I have to see these things NOT happening anymore; for a significant period of time. Will he? Put the effort needed IN to US? Focus on US; stop playing 'Peter Pan'? Talk in counseling about his actual issues at hand? He needs to in order FOR us to be successful. He obviously CAN'T beat the problem on his own; and loving ME isn't enough. But it HAS to be in ORDER to be with me. I'm either the ONE and ONLY; or I'm NOT at ALL. But these little 'whoring breaks' are GONNA stop, too; or I'M gonna change a little. The 'security' he feels with ME will be 'broken'; just like I am, EVERY time he does this to me. Of course, THEN, it will REALLY be over; because HE can't TAKE what he dishes OUT. So... I guess when he 'gets itchy', he better decide WHO he REALLY wants scratching it. I love him, and want this to work; but in all honesty... I'm tired of going through this all the time. So, if it doesn't work THIS time... We WILL be done. He'll 'block' me from his life, just like he always does; even though it's not necessary. But... Just help guide him, Mom. Maybe you and Dad together, can 'help' him be the man he should've been a long time ago; at least once he met me. There's nobody else I WANT... I just wish HE could feel and act the same. I wanna GET what I GIVE. I deserve that.  

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please keep watching over Mom; she just lost the love of her life. We know how that feels. Give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 14th July 2017

"Morning, Mom. I actually slept pretty well last night; woke up here and there. But I was up before 6:30; which is more normal for me. The cooler weather definitely feels better, and has an effect on me.

We did cards this morning; I think I'll get right into those, because I don't have a lot of time. You always taught me to read the cards that are with each other; but more importantly, go with my gut feelings and with whatever stood out at me. I've just been hitting on the 'Reader's Digest' version of what's going on in the cards; not really giving any details. I don't like to make assumptions as to maybe who the cards MIGHT be about. But when I ask the same question, over and over, and over... And I see this 'progression' going on. I ask which card represents me, and the same card falls 3 times. I do readings everyday, and the same cards will end up together... The same 3 in a row; and I shuffle, repeatedly. They end up together in multiple readings, sometimes. The bottom line is, this can only be about Ken; trying to make up his mind between me and Amy. He loves me; and is 'discontent in his surroundings; thinking about a love that didn't work out, and isn't physically around'. He even feels 'heartbroken; possibly the need to bridge the distance'. I WAS his 'Empress'; he always referred to me as his 'wife'; 'Reed'. He WAS my 'Emperor'; in my heart. The only place it really matters. But he knows the 'moral choices' he'd have to make in order to obtain his 'Empress' and 'ultimate love'. One is leaving Amy behind for good; 'tying up loose ends'. And 'giving up people and things that will no longer have importance in the life you've chosen'. He'd have to change his ways; completely. So would he? For 'ultimate love and happiness'? Or would he just stay with Amy, where he can continue to lead his same old life of cheating and lies? It's the ONLY thing that makes sense. Who else would it be???  

I've been trying to read as though it's 'just some guy'; but it doesn't make any sense. You and I have talked about it, Mom. I guess it's just a scary thought. I'd love it, if he could REALLY change; REALLY CHANGE. No more lies and deceit; but he'd have to prove it to me. I don't know as though he'd be willing to put effort into any of it; so, he'll probably end up with Amy... Or someone. I just wanna be happy; I want the same for him, too. Admittedly, I wanted it to be with me; but it is what it is... People can love each other, but not be able to be together; I guess that's us, sadly. I wish it wasn't, but we're different people; I guess I didn't make him happy enough. I tried to, and thought I did... I know it wasn't all me; he has his 'issues'. Those definitely got in the way, and were the majority of our problems. But, I figured if he loved me enough and I made him happy; we wouldn't have those problems. So much for THAT logic, huh? Haha  Oh well, I tried...

OK, Mom, I gotta get ready for work. Please watch over Mom and Dad; give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 13th July 2017

"Hi, Mom. Sorry it took so long for me to get here to you today. Between being so tired lately, and busy; I've been trying to do the best I can to take care of myself, too. I just don't want to get sick again; that was the most miserable... And to know that it's because I don't eat, because I'm not hungry; therefore, I don't get the nutrition I need. On top of it, I work myself into the ground. I want to work; just not myself to death. Today has been a VERY busy day; but I feel OK, thank God. I really think the heat and humidity was getting me down. I even stayed in bed until 8:30 or so this morning; that's just unheard of. Haha  I wasn't sleeping the whole time or anything; I looked at the clock constantly. I was just so tired, I didn't want to get up; so I didn't.

Luke stopped by to see me today. Wow... He had a LOT to say. All talking 'feelings', and stuff. How do men that I've never even been 'involved' with, other than friendship; get to feeling about me the way they do? He says, "It's you; it's JUST YOU." OK... Then, why couldn't the man I actually FELL in LOVE with, stick with JUST ME??? If it's "Just [Me]", and "there's just something about" me. Yeah, I'm 'different'; I'm 'different', alright. He has NO clue. I'm telling you, Mom; not that I need to... You see for yourself; the men just 'come out of the woodwork' sometimes when I'm single.  

The cards; I did them at lunch again. As I'm about to write about them, 'Better Man' comes on the radio. Haha  Too funny... Anyway... I've asked, and asked, and asked again, and again, and again; I see 'progressions' of basically the same thing, when all I want to know is, 'what's in store for MY life'. Lunch time, they ended with the Emperor and Empress, side by side again. I picked up certain female cards and asked, "Who am I in this reading?" The Empress fell out... 3 times. The reading began with 'choices being made'; the 'loss that comes from those choices, are no longer of importance'. They need to be made in order 'to obtain ultimate love' with the Empress, and to BECOME the Emperor. The fact is, it's all up to him; he's the one that needs to make 'the moral choices' for change, again to obtain his Empress. The possibilities are there; even for success. I don't know... What am I seeing, and why? Haha  No joke, now 'Peter Pan' is playing. Yeah, that's probably what will come MY way; another guy that won't 'grow up'. No thank you... So, if that's what you're telling me with the songs, Mom; I'm good. Haha  I want someone and something I can actually trust and depend on for a change. If I can't find that; alone is fine.

Well, I think I'm gonna close up and go upstairs. I'll try to write more later. Please watch over Mom and Dad; and give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 12th July 2017

"Morning, Mom. Sorry I didn't get back here last night, but as you know, I've just been really tired the last few days. I'm thinking that the stress of the last week with him here; constantly having to say the same things, over and over... During a time that I should have JUST been recuperating, and looking out for NO ONE, BUT myself; I had a 'drunken, lying', I'll use his word, 'parasite' around. Not only NOT doing what he should've been doing, and promised to be doing while here; he was trying SO HARD to be 'my man', and THAT was NOT gonna happen. AT ALL the way he was going; never mind any time soon, just because of how I feel, personally. Never fails, does it, Mom? I need; so, someone else does too. I don't fully get what I need, because I end up 'sacrificing' for them somehow. He was at the end; absolutely desperate. But he just did REAL good; made over $300, and wanted to get a job and a room. I had the means to assist... Didn't seem unreasonable; a week. I could handle that. But it turned into something it wasn't supposed to be; story of my life when I bring someone INTO my domain. I can help from a distance; just not IN my domain. They get too comfortable and 'dependent' on ME; take me for granted, and what they have IN me, and with me. They lose 'focus' of what's important; priorities. They forget... They have their worth; but where ARE they? I'm a damn good Woman, is the bottom line; I work HARD at everything I do. Don’t ever take me, what I have to offer; nothing, for granted. If you do; you'll be the one on the outside, looking in. The only regret I'll have, was ever caring in the first place; but that's 'my purpose' here anyway. So, I get over it and move on.

The cards... We threw them out numerous times last night just to see what would happen, and what they'd say. They never cease to amaze me... If I tried to elaborate on everything, I'd have to write a book. Haha  I don't have time for that. I see the same things I've been saying. It's approaching 'Judgement Time'; 'Moral Decisions' to be made, in order to obtain 'Ultimate Love' and 'True happiness'. The funny thing that happened the last time was with the Queen of Swords; she was in all the other readings. The last one, I guess you could say she was 'hiding'? It was the strangest thing... A FEW times lately, I've ended with only 2 cards; HOW??? There should ALWAYS be 3. When I cleaned them up, I counted; all 78 were there. But you always told me that the cards do what they're supposed to do; to tell you what they need to tell you. When the Queen of Swords didn't show up... And I looked to see that was the card missing... When I counted the cards, I counted them face UP, so I could see if/when she appeared; and THERE she was. Haha  As well as all 78 cards of the deck. I find it funny for multiple reasons that I really don't have time to elaborate on. But one is that the King and Queen of Swords have been showing up a lot 'facing off'; I think that was me and him. Then it moved on to the people in the cards. The Queen is sometimes near her, and sometimes near me. The King... That represents the man, of course. That was Ken's birth card.

OK, Mom. I have to get ready for work. I'll try to write more later. Please watch over Mom and Dad; give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 11th July 2017

"Hi, Mom... Sorry it's taken me so long to get here today. I actually woke up this morning before 3 AM; but I refused to get up 'for the day' like I usually do. It DID take me forever to fall back asleep though. I saw 5:30 AM without sleeping in between; but next I knew, I was waking up around 7:30 AM. I thought to myself, "Good; I DID finally fall back asleep. I'm glad I didn't give in, and just get up like I usually do." I have to admit that I've been having a hard time the last few days; I haven't felt well, and it's bothering me. Today isn't good either. I'm hoping it's the 'mugginess' of the weather; I'm taking what I'm supposed to. Even my body temp has raised; I have body heat again. Haha  No more cold hands. I have to admit, that bothered me, too; losing even my own body heat, and ALWAYS having 'Crypt Keeper' hands. I'd touch Sully and he say, "Meme', your hands are cold"; but it would be 80 degrees out. Haha  Yeah, that's not right; that meant I had horrible circulation, and my heart was functioning in 'overdrive' to do its job. ALL because I don't get hungry enough, so I don't eat; therefore, my levels PLUMMET to fatal levels. I was LITERALLY on my deathbed this time; I kept seeing it in the cards, and wasn't sure what to do. I just knew I needed to get to the doctor; that was there, too. I didn't want to end up in the hospital; OR dead. There are SO many things I've gotta change, Mom... SO many; just to take care of ME. I just hope OTHERS are gonna allow it. I'm in this world, basically alone; no one to turn to. I'M the one everyone turns to; which is WHAT puts me in the predicaments and conditions I get into. From now on, anyone that comes into my life NEEDS to allow me to need THEM, as much as THEY need me. I can't do it ALL anymore; nor should I be expected to.  

The cards... I'm not sure I even know what to say about them lately. I see... Things I'm not sure I should or want to be seeing. I keep asking "What's going on with MY life, and what do I have to expect?" EXACT question. I see 'other people', and that there's gonna be 'unhappiness' and 'heartache'… 'Bad decisions' were made out of 'selfishness and greed'; and it's time for 'Judgement' and 'Moral choices', if 'Ultimate Love' and 'true happiness' want to be obtained. I have to admit that it's nice NOT seeing 'The Devil' card next to me for a change; it's next to the other woman. I don't come in until close to the end; so, I don't know... All I know is that for once, the 'pain and heartache' isn't mine; I already HAD mine. I'm among the 'happiness' cards... So, maybe SOMEWHERE, somehow; I'll find some sort of happiness. I just don't want anymore 'problems'. I need a break in life, and someone that might actually give me one for a change.

If I ever decide to be with anyone again, I'd like to have a relationship like I had with Ken when we were good. Someone that can be my 'furnace' when I'm cold; my 'chair' when we cuddle... Someone that when they hold me, we 'fit like a glove'; and I feel safe and secure. But I want to be able to TRUST what we have; and not wonder who he's talking to, or where he's been. When he OR I walk out the door, I can trust what HE'S doing; and what he's NOT doing. I just want to be able to trust; period. But I want the other 'niceties' that come along with a good relationship. I wanna be able to laugh and joke; have a conversation. Know what each other thinks and feels, without a word... I miss those things. I hope I get a 'happy ending' somewhere, sometime in my life.

OK, Mom. I guess that's it for now. If I can, I'll write more later. Please watch over Mom and Dad; give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 10th July 2017

"Morning, Mom. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is to have him gone. I woke up this morning thinking about it; part of me felt a little bad, BECAUSE I'm me. But he and I had 'an arrangement' from the get go. He asked if he could "stay here for a minute" to look for a job up the strip; I said, "No problem, but it has to be short term." I laid down some simple ground rules, and EVERY-one was broken; yet I was made promises... Empty promises. Talks the talk; but can't walk the walk. Said it would all be "NO problem; EASY. Done it all before." Good; then shouldn't be any problems. But there were, and he didn't keep his word; lied and stole on top of it all. Then asked to stay longer... But HE doesn't "want to be a parasite or anything". Haha  Yeah; OK. Well, you've BECOME one; not at my house. He made his bed... Oh, WAIT. He doesn't HAVE one!!! Haha  That's horrible... Forgive, me Lord. {haha} Well. He can go FIND one to sleep in; it's just not gonna be MY couch. He's hung around, drinking and sleeping; then LIED to my face enough. I'm not stupid; and I let him know it, and confronted him with the truth. Even IF and the FEW times he did go looking for a job; he won't get hired because he's a DRUNK. It's OBVIOUS from his look AND his smell. I wouldn't hire him. But anyway...

So, when we did cards this morning, there was something there that kinda hit me. None of my business, so I'm not sure why it would show up in MY cards, except that he and I had a 'connection'. But... Did Ken maybe marry Amy? I only looked at it a little bit, because I saw that; and that was the first thing that popped in my head... The WAY the cards laid out; so, I didn't finish reading them and picked them up. But afterwards, all I could think was, Wow... We've been apart for a month and a half; almost two. Not only does he ALWAYS get involved immediately with other women, and start 'visiting the office'; but marriage? Well... If that's the case, I hope he's happy and finally got what he wanted. Like I said before; Amy is a publicly 'Nasty Girl', and that's what Ken likes. Trashy, Nasty Girls; I don't even come CLOSE to fitting that bill. I'm the EXACT opposite; and a little 'ROUGH around the edges'. I'm tough when I NEED to be. I'm 'Nasty' BEHIND closed doors, with the ONE and only I Love; at least I used to be. Never GOT the opportunity with the man I truly loved. Either our living situation didn't allow for it, or he was too busy with others anyway; which destroyed ME inside just knowing. So, how would I have been able to compete anyway? Therefore, at some point, I gave up bothering to try. I tried for a while; but my efforts were pointless. His searches elsewhere continued. So, I guess I just didn't make him happy. I thought I did, and that he loved me; he kept coming back for some reason. But, I guess I was wrong. Hopefully, Amy will.

Meanwhile, I'll just keep working on myself; try to stay on the path that I'm on. I truly feel it's a 'healthy' path for me; emotionally. I'll also continue with maintaining my health the way I have been. I look and feel so much better. My RLS is pretty much non-existent; so THAT was pertaining to my levels. I was just literally 'walking death'; my body was shutting down, and I was still trying to do everything. I'm getting there, Mom; I'm getting there.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I gotta get ready for work; it's Monday. Blah... Haha Please watch over Mom and Dad for me; I haven't been able to get over yet. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day...<3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 9th July 2017

"Hi, Mom. Well, he finally showed up; pulled exactly what I thought he would. "I just need..." NO; YOU just NEED to grab your bag and GO. He went as far as to ask me if he could even sleep in the basement. Yeah; THAT'S what I need... SARAH coming in, and seeing someone SLEEPING in the basement. He tried to make more empty promises; "I'll be out by 5:00 AM". I said, "No you won't. You'll be SLEEPING, and I'M not walking MY ass down there to wake you up. I'm sorry; I can't have sympathy for you. I gave you DAYS... And after what I SAW this week; I'm just DONE." He asked a total of 4 times before I got to that harsh of a statement. But once I did, he got up and walked out; mumbling something about, "I get it..." Good. Now, just go.  

Sorry, but MY Mama didn't raise no fool; at least, for the most part. Haha  I've definitely done foolish things; but knowing full well what I was getting involved with. Unfortunately, things just don't usually work out for ME when it comes to certain things; but life goes on... I actually read this amazingly interesting article, and posted it on Facebook; it talks about the difference between Earth Angels, Lightworkers and Starseeds. All I can say is... Not only did your 'Angel Picture' confirm for me, who and what we are; and also what you told me as a child. But it literally puts it all into perspective. A VERY interesting read; for anyone curious about REAL people around them, that are TRULY 'special'. Here for purposes... I am an Earth Angel; just like you said when I was 3 years old. Our lives are 'different' and 'purposeful'. WE are different... I 'rushed' the entire time I read the part on 'Earth Angel'; quite a bit on 'Lightworker'. Nothing on the 'Starseed'. So, I know that's where I 'fit in'. That's my 'tell tale' sign that I'm either right, or on the right track; intensity can be an indicator, as well. I'm gonna show both boys, and see where they 'feel' they 'fit in'.  

YOU informed me as a VERY young child, that I was "One of God's Earth Angel's"; and that I "would have a VERY difficult life". I have never, in my lifetime, seen anything ABOUT 'Earth Angels'; or ANY of the 3, for that matter. This is the first time. I just let Blayze read them, and he chose exactly what I thought; 'Lightworker' and 'Starseed'. It even states right in there, that 'these beings' COME from 'higher beings' themselves. I'd say again, Your 'Angel Pic' after You passed away... Speaks for itself. ;-)   So, everyone in my lifetime that has called me, referred to me as, or said that I "sang like" an "Angel"; was absolutely correct. 'Earth Angel', to be precise. Haha  I can say what I used to when I was a little girl...? "It HAS to be RIGHT, because MY MOTHER SAID SO!!!"  Hahahaha  See, Mom, I ALWAYS worshipped you; even when I was just a 'little BRAT'. Haha  I knew what I had in you; instinctively, apparently. And I wasn't gonna do ANYTHING to lose you... Until I absolutely had to, that dreaded day. But, SOMEDAY... We WILL meet again; in our Glory. THAT will be the BEST day of MY life; the day I get to reunite with You.

Well, it's confirmed that he's gone, he took his duffel; but left a small bag under my chair, obviously on purpose. So, that will be out in the hallway for him to find when he comes looking for it; my door will be locked. I feel SUCH relief... I didn't want to hurt him, but he pushed it AND me. He took advantage of my 'generosity', then stole from my son. BYYYEEE!!! I'm DONE with that CRAP. You want or need something; ASK. I'm a VERY generous person, to a FAULT; which is what has GOTTEN me in all the BS I've been through. DONE with it. Honesty, or NOTHING at all; don't need that kind of person in my life. But if someone is truly in need, HELPING themselves, and I have means to assist... I'm there. THAT did NOT happen. It was SUPPOSED to; but didn't. I have no shame or guilt.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I'm just SO relieved it's all over. No more King and Queen of Swords 'facing off', I hope. Haha  OK... Please watch over Mom and Dad; give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 9th July 2017

"Hi, Mom. Well, it's AFTER 5:00 PM and he's still 'around'… SOMEWHERE. His STUFF is still here. But if he thinks for one minute, he'll be spending another moment, never mind night; he'd best think again. When I feel the time is appropriate, his bag will be out in the hall, and my door locked. Blayze and I already talked about it; HE'S PISSED. I told him NOON. NOT 'anytime of the day or night you feel like it'; NOON. He 'popped in' around 1:30 to say he needed to make phone calls to arrange a ride out. THAT should've been done YESTERDAY; he had MORE than enough forewarning. DAYS... Guess what? NO SYMPATHY here; My 'Give A Damn Is Busted'… Which also happens to be a great tune. Haha But it's how I feel. I don’t care if I EVER hear from him again; friendship DOWN the tubes, as far as I'm concerned at THIS point. With 'friends' that steal from and take advantage of you; you don't need enemies. I'd never be able to trust him again, with the road he's traveling. He'd have to get his act together for me to want to revisit our friendship. Maybe he will; maybe he won't. But right now, I just want him and his bag, gone from my 'house'.  

We did cards... Kings and Queens again; paired. The Emperor and Empress were side by side. They keep telling me though, that something else 'has to come to an end' for him, before I will get my 'new beginning'. There are 'Loose ends to tie up'; 'decisions and moral choices' to be made. 'Ultimate and spiritual Love' cannot be obtained without them. But, once choices are made, 'the gain makes up for the loss; and the people and things are no longer of importance [to him] in the new beginning chosen'. So, OK... They keep telling me the same things, over and over; I guess I just wait it out... Like usual. Haha  I see 'the progression' of things; they move future to present; present to past, etc. He'll show up eventually; whoever the 'bleep' he is...  

My new med JUST might help a bit; I've only taken it for 2 nights, but I think it helps a little. We'll see after it's actually in my system for a while. That would definitely be a God- send. Even if it doesn't rid me of all my upper body pain; just the majority of it... Even HALF, I'll TAKE IT!!! The pain is SO extreme, and it's exhausting. We'll see how I feel after like a week; but I really hope I'm feeling a slight difference, and it's not because I made it a point to rest. Time will tell...  

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I'll keep you posted on how everything goes. Please watch over Mom and Dad for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 9th July 2017

"Morning, Mom. Well, it's SUNDAY!!! I'm not usually so excited for Sunday, because even though it's my, so called 'one day off'; I still have to go down to the office for a bit to make sure everything is in order. I don't really ever have a 'day OFF'. BUT... TODAY is THE DAY that he has to be gone; and last night, I told him by noon would be good. I want my life and my time back, without all the 'complications' of all the discussions I have to have with him; constantly hurting his feelings... I don't like that. I just want this over and done with. He must've REALLY tied one on last night; I walked out this morning, and my living room smells AWFUL. Not like a brewery; like he drank hard stuff. I hate that smell... I feel bad; but I am not the world's savior. He's a friend; I GAVE him 'a leg up', and he took advantage of ME, rather than IT. He came here with OVER $300; in under a week, it was gone. As a matter of fact, Blayze ended up missing $20 out of his wallet night before last; we were the only 3 here. I confronted it by first asking him how much money he had left; he said, "Like $.37." Then I said that Blayze was missing the money; because IRONICALLY right after, HE got up to go smoke but was nowhere outside. When he came back, REEKED of FRESH beer and staggering more. Money was even sticking slightly OUT of Blayze's wallet, which was even evidence of the theft; it wasn't like that before, and Blayze NEVER leaves money hanging out of his wallet. I, personally know that the wallet was just a 'black square'; nothing hanging out of it, because I picked it up myself. I saw it on my bed after Blayze accidentally, and unusually left it there; so, I grabbed it. I took it to the bathroom WITH me, to guard it. Then when I got back in my room, I put it on my bureau; for when Blayze came back. THAT'S the night that he wouldn't leave me ALONE!!! I just wanted to WRITE; but he manipulated his way in by asking me something he KNEW I couldn't and wouldn't say 'no' to... Pulled a chair up next to my bed, and started to watch TV; AND talk my ear off, JUST like I said I didn't want him to do. I wanted to write to YOU. But, I ended up having to use the bathroom again; I FORGOT about the wallet, and it was on the bureau RIGHT next to him. I got back from the bathroom; he got up REAL quick and was gonna "Go for a smoke". Well, YEAH, GO!!!! But, then Blayze came, and I showed him his wallet; he of course thanked me. He checked it out, of course... He looked pensive; I asked, "Is everything alright?" That's when he said he was missing the $20. Blayze OBVIOUSLY knew it wasn't me. I gotta say, Mom; what's happened this last week, was a real slap across my face from him. He is NOT the man I once knew... Except for one thing; and that was never acceptable. He asked me for help out of friendship, and I gave it; he wanted more... I said we'll see what happens, day by day. You work on YOU, and I'll work on ME. Well... I've BEEN working on ME; but all I see is him drowning... And I can't save him. He HAS to save himself; I've said ALL I can say to assist him. The REST is up to him. It starts TODAY; by noon.  

I remembered, recently that throughout Ken's and my time together; when I'd do the cards, they would say that our relationship would be 'a learning experience for both of us'. I even told him that on multiple occasions. I don't think that's anything that either of us could deny; despite how we ended, every time. I don't LIKE how it ends... That's not ME, as a person; but we're only even WHERE we're at because of who HE is as a person. It broke me, because I truly loved him. But, learning experience it was; for both of us, despite how he talks about me. I don't talk about him, unless it's to you. But IF I do, ANYTHING I say is the TRUTH; good or bad. I don't know why he feels the need to 'destroy' me, and tell such lies about me all the time. He KNOWS that the BULK of the issues in our relationship were HIM; yet he talks 'Devil' behind my back, even worse than he does to my face when he's angry. So much for being his 'Angel'; 'His Queen'… I thought, or hoped getting those tats would be enough to show him that if... IF he would JUST get it right with ME; be MY 'One and Only', and ME be his... Someday, I'd be able to marry him. But it has to be proven and earned first; by ANYONE. That's why people get engaged AFTER being together for 1, 2... Even 5+ YEARS. THEN they get married. You EARN trust, and BUILD your relationship through your actions. I had 3-½ years of having to forgive his actions; over and over. Having to build and RE-build... That all takes time; but I was willing because of the love we had, and he kept blowing it. Why??? I thought he loved me too... Wasn't I WORTH the effort that I was putting IN? Apparently not... But it's OK; I'm rebuilding myself now. He has Amy; that's where the 'wolves' came from. She likes them, too; I remember that. She's more his type; she's 'trashy'. I've known her for YEARS; seen her 'in action'. I interviewed her at Welfare once, when we knew each other from Mike's. Haha That's how we know a lot of the same people, and I know what goes on. I hear when Ken's with someone, or when he's 'at the office' picking someone up; not that I want to. People, for some reason, feel the need to tell me. But anyway, that was 'uncomfortable' for her. She's got all kinds of kids she hasn't raised, with all different fathers. She's a publicly 'Nasty Girl'… Perfect for Ken. I could never fill THAT need; only BEHIND closed doors... If I had ever gotten the chance to; but I didn't. So, he stepped out on me; not that he probably wouldn't have anyway. All of that broke me; piece by piece. Then, how am I supposed to feel; when the one I love, also the one that broke me... Wants to take the best of me? What's most 'intimate' about me? But when I'm OK... When I'm Me; I'm a Lady by day; but with the man I LOVE behind closed doors... Well, I don't kiss and tell. Haha   But that's exactly the difference. Why would, or does anyone ELSE need to know what I do, or how I do something; IN something SO intimate and private? I don't 'advertise'. So, I guess he's where and with whom he can be happy; I'm happy for him, since that's what he truly wants. People shouldn't live a lie; and I guess I was expecting him to be someone he wasn't. BUT; it was HIS CHOICE. He chose ME, and I gave him MANY outs... Even when he was the one doing ME wrong; I gave HIM the outs. No fight; just easy. But it never went that way because I was HIS choice. He said I was who and what he WANTED; no matter WHAT he had to do. So, I said OK; and I forgave everything... Things I don't. So, why do I always get 'the bad rap' in the end? Yeah... Because it's just the story of my life, Mom. Therefore, I'm working on my happiness... I've begun by trying to 'Repair' myself; even just a little.  

I WANT happiness; I'd LIKE to have it with someone, if at all possible. I just don't really KNOW what lays ahead. I know the cards say that I'm [supposedly] going to find happiness... Last night, I did them real quick before bed; I was kinda hoping to see whether or not today was going to be 'difficult'. I can tell you that it's 9:40; he's supposed to be out by noon, and he's STILL sleeping. But Blayze is out there playing his games now, so... Hopefully, wake the F—K UP. If not, he WILL be awoken BY 11:00. Anyway... I didn't see the cards end with the King and Queen of Swords again; so THAT was a relief. Haha But ALL the Kings and Queens were paired again; and the Emperor and Empress were together. I don't know WHAT to think... I figured I was just tired. I know it's happened NUMEROUS times before he came here this week; but still. Endings and beginnings; beginnings and endings... They all are supposed to occur; and some need to, in order for anything else to move along further. In order to obtain the 'Eternal and spiritual' kind of love. I got more and more... Tired. So, I went to bed. I'll have to read again, and see what I get. See if I 'connect' better, now that I've slept. I know they won't lay out exactly the same; but I've had certain cards show up in EXACT ORDER before within different readings. And, the Kings and Queens all pairing; THAT happens now and then... But it's happened a LOT lately.  

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please help me get through today with EASE; and watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 8th July 2017

"Morning, Mom. I gotta say; it's been nice not having Sully for a couple of days. I really needed the break. It would've been nice since ALL the times, the fact that I was 'sick' came up, if Lisa and Josh took Sully for a little here and there. He IS on summer vacation. Lisa, apparently was so 'wrapped up' in what she was talking about whenever we talked; she didn't hear my ACTUAL response to her question, "So, how YOU doin'?" I told her I was ill, and HAD been for quite some time; then SHE continued to talk. Haha  Yup; the usual. Haha   It is, what it is... That's why I just talk to you, Mom. My body was 'shutting down'; bottom line. That's why Nilsa wanted to put me in the hospital. I was definitely the cliché, 'on my death bed'; and I not only looked it, I felt it. I KNOW you know, Mom. Believe me; I was there, too. Some of the worst memories of my life... I not only don't wanna go there myself; I don't wanna put MY kids through what I went through with you. They already go through, and worry enough about me. I FINALLY got my new med last night that I've not only waited for 3 WEEKS or more for; but I had to do the 'leg work' back and forth between pharmacy, doctor's office, and an hour and a half on the phone with my insurance company; getting information, and everything straight. RiteAid here on Mast Rd has been giving me a HARD TIME. 2 meds needed prior auths; 1 of those, I managed to get removed by finding a generic on my Tier 1. That was the med I needed for the pain in my upper body; I'm HOPING will work... 3 or more weeks LATER; but I got it, finally. But the vitamin D is still pending prior auth; and when Blayze went to pick up my meds, they charged him FULL PRICE CASH for 4 pills... $13.00. I take 1 per week; 50,000 IU's of Vitamin D. I've been pumping myself of D3, Super B Complex, the Iron, potassium... I'm finally at a point where I can walk around, without 'huffing and puffing'. So, what I HAVE been doing has been working. I didn't need to spend $13 UNNECESSARY dollars on FOUR pills. I'm gonna take care of that little issue. I'm gonna have a BF! AND write a letter. Haha  To their corporate office and The BBB; and I won't be using their services any longer. But anyway...

Blayze and I were talking about you last night; I'm sure you heard. He has carried such guilt all these years, for not 'taking the opportunity' to go to the hospital the night you died. I told him to forgive himself; let it go. I was where I needed to be; and it was 'you and me' time. Our final time together, as Mother and daughter; BEST friends... Mentor and Apprentice. You ARE my Hero... My Trooper Mom. It was OUR time to say, "Goodbye... But I'll see you; in Glory." I also always told you, "You BETTER haunt ME!!!" Haha  We just have this amazing, and phenomenal connection; even still. I am SO blessed that YOU are MY Mother, Mom; SO VERY Blessed. I also told Blayze that he needed to remember, that when it came RIGHT down to it... Who was there for you? I said, "It was YOU and ME, Kid. When you get down to the nitty-gritty; it's always been, you and me in the end. YOU were there for me AND Grammy; NO ONE ELSE... AT ALL. Until the VERY end" being Danny, of course, who GOT me to you... In time. But it TOOK seeing ALL that actually WAS involved in your care, to turn Danny's and my relationship around; and he apologized in a medical meeting of yours, that he and I were in. Not only made me feel good, it surprised me. But I know that Blayze felt a lot better by the end of our conversation about everything; and that warms MY heart. I don't want him feeling that way; he needs to harbor NO guilt. Things WERE the way they were SUPPOSED to be; except for you NOT being HOME. But it being just us; PERFECT. It was ALWAYS You and I against the World, Mom... It was only appropriate that Your 'last physical' moments here, be with Me. No regrets there...  

I was so angry at everything going on yesterday... There was actually a 'funny' occurrence; with Angel's cousin and Angel. I was walking down the stairs toward the back door to 101, and all of a sudden, there was Angel; so, I said "Hi' and whatever. I heard a voice come from behind him, but I couldn't SEE him yet; he said, "OOO!!! Who's that talkin', is she fine?" He rounded the corner as he was finishing saying that; saw me, jolted a little and said, as he gave me 'the once over', "WHOA. You ARE FINE. You SINGLE?" Angel busted out laughing, smacked him and said, "DUDE!!! That's my LANDLORD! You're gonna get me in TROUBLE!" As he continued to laugh; but his, I found out cousin meant business. PUSHED aside of Angel, got right up close to me; looked me RIGHT in the eyes and said, "Seriously, you single? You not WANNA be?" I didn't even get a CHANCE to answer before he threw that in there. Haha  Angel grabbed him, and 'yelled', "DUDE!!! COME ON!!!" But he was still laughing... Haha  A while after that, I went outside to get the mail and they were out there. As I had to walk past, 'Cuz' I'll call him because I never got a name; he was too busy HITTING on me. Haha  Anyway, Cuz said to me, "Oh, you're comin' out HERE. You need something?" I said, "Yeah. The mail."  I kept walking over to the mailboxes. He said, that was fine; it "gave [him] the chance to check out what [I] got". Angel said, "He's dreaming about all the stuff he'd LIKE to do to ya." I said, "Yeah; 'cause he doesn't know me, huh?" Cuz asked how I didn't know that HE'D be the man of MY dreams. I said, "That's about the only place it'll happen." Angel was like, "OOOHHH!!! She BURRRNNNED YOU, Dawg!" Haha  Cuz was like, "That's just not right", but he laughed. He's 45; thought I was younger. I told him I was 50; he said, "THAT'S doable." Haha  Thanks, but no thanks. Nice looking guy and everything; I just... I guess, I don't know. I see he's 'A Playa'. I want that why? First flag... So, I won't even 'enter the arena'. I'll just stay by myself, for all I care at this point; IN all honesty. It might be hard at times; I've actually noticed that I'm starting to have some sort of 'feelings' again, physically. My new med is actually supposed to 'enhance' my libido. Yeah, I know; GREAT timing. Haha  But again; it IS what it is. I'd rather date a buffet of men, and have NO 'feelings' involved, and NO physical attachment or activity, being sex; rather than end up in failed relationship, after failed relationship, after failed relationship... And, so on. Or just be alone; that works too, and is far less complicated. Lonely, but less complicated. I'd rather be ALONE for the RIGHT reasons; than WITH someone for the WRONG ones. And my cards lately... Haha They're killing me. I think it's 3 times in a ROW now, they've ENDED with the King and Queen of Swords; last 6 cards. I HOPE this 'battle' is gonna come to an end; like NOW.

Well, I need to get ready to go to the office for a bit; so, I'll probably be back later as long as I'm LEFT ALONE. I JUST need him GONE, please... Please. I was nice about everything; tried to help, let him sleep on my couch for a week. But I can't continue to be taken advantage of; so, PLEASE don't allow this to be DIFFICULT. Because HAVING him here, HAS been; and I don't know how much more flat out and honest I can be, WITHOUT saying, "GET the FU-K OUT; NOW". We all know, I DON'T like having to do that. PLEASE just let him leave; on his own... Today would be good; but tomorrow is acceptable.

OK, Mom, gotta go for now. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 8th July 2017

"Hi, Mom. OMG, Can I PLEASE just be alone. That's all I want, is my time to myself right now, but I can't seem to have it. This is supposed to be my time alone with YOU, Mom... But we're being 'invaded' upon; even as openly blunt as I was when he asked if he could pull up a chair, and watch TV. I FLAT OUT said, "No". He was shocked. I told him I was busy, and had things I wanted to do. I told him straight that I was gonna be writing; if he did that, he'd TALK to me and I wouldn't be able to concentrate. Well... That's EXACTLY what has been happening; for 2 HOURS now... And ongoing. So, I'm trying to fit as much as I can in between. Oh, THANK GOD!!! I think he'll be gone for a while now; maybe won't even be back up until I'm asleep.  

Just, WOW... I was getting all set up to sit here and write, when he showed up. He said he wanted to talk to me tomorrow; I was relieved it was TOMORROW, and said "OK". But then he ALL of a SUDDEN laid across my bed, and started TALKING; TELLING me things. I said, "HEY, YO WHOA, STOP. I thought you said 'TOMORROW'. Why are you talking to me NOW? I'm on my way to the bathroom, and I'm busy; I have things I'm doing, and I need to be alone to concentrate. I'm gonna write." He knows I write to you, Mom; he sees me on here all the time, and I told him. Not that I NEED to explain myself to anyone. But... He managed, or should I say 'weasled' his way in; and I JUST NOW thought of a way I COULD'VE gotten out of it. I'll 'bank' it, for future reference. Haha  He actually had the audacity to ask me if he could stay longer, to see if he could find a job next week. I said, "THAT'S what you were SUPPOSED to be doing THIS week. No." He went on, and on, and on... Justification, after excuse, after lie... Who's he trying to convince; me or himself? Or is his brain so seriously 'soaked', that he REALLY believes his own CRAP?  

We didn't 'fight or argue'; but per usual, I let him have it. The Truth, that is. He left my presence feeling pretty 'emotionally bruised'. Accept the TRUTH then. Nobody is lying to you; ESPECIALLY not me. But the truth hurts sometimes; especially when you, YOURSELF had it SO GOOD... But then, let it ALL slip RIGHT through your fingers; and I'm not talking about being with me. He and I, were NEVER really a 'He and I'. It was a 'Let's see where this goes; day by day' thing. I'm talking about the LIFE he HAD, that he needs to work so hard at to fix. I gave him time; I was a 'good friend'. He had the audacity to say, "Well, I didn't cost you anything." Oh, REALLY??? It seems to ME, that I'M the one going to work everyday; working FOR the roof over OUR heads. His included at the MOMENT. I PAY for the cable he's watching. The showers he's taking; they run up MY electric bill, and if there's an overage... Out of MY pocket. I've treated NUMEROUS times before; just because he has a few times NOW. I'll tell you what you can DO with it; OR take it OFF YOUR TAB. Don't COST me anything, MY ASS. You STAY with someone; you COST them: TIME, MONEY, SPACE in their PLACE, and PLENTY of AGGRAVATION. He's SUPPOSED to be out looking for a job; I leave at 11:00, and HE'S still SLEEPING on the couch. Shouldn't he have ALREADY been UP, showered and dressed, and OUT the door??? To find a JOB? Yeah... When you're SERIOUS about finding one; and you don't go smelling like a brewery. OMG, he just knocked on the door. I had to tell him, and EXPLAIN YET AGAIN that I JUST want to BE ALONE. I JUST want to WRITE to YOU, Mom... Is THAT a SIN, for the LOVE of ALL that is HOLY?!?!?!?!?! ALL day today, JUST about everyone that came to the office, WAY overstayed their welcome. One guy came to pay rent, he literally stayed for over 2 HOURS, talking about his personal marriage problems. What made him finally leave was someone came to pay rent, THANK GOD. Haha  I didn't know what to do!!! It actually got PAST my lunch time. Then a couple other people did it to me, too for about an hour each. It was a rough day. Then to come HOME, and go through ALL of THIS??? After I already told him he had until the weekend. I love how he asks, too; "If I could just stay HERE for a minute..." Yeah, well... It’s been TOO much longer than a MINUTE, and you 'GOTS ta GO'. I could tell it hurt his feelings, me 'throwing him out' a few minutes ago; but TOO BAD. I guess I HAVE gotten hard and cold; but I'm SICK and TIRED of having NOTHING for MYSELF. A lifetime of sacrifice does something to a person; you get to a point you say, "ENOUGH". I've gotten to a point, health-wise; if I expect to LIVE, I have NO choice. But it's time; it's time for me now... At least, more than ever before. So, PLEASE help get him out of here BY Sunday, Mom; THAT'S his deadline. I don't want to hear ANY excuses, or anything of the sort. I gave ALL I'm gonna give. GAME OVER. My 'Give A Damn Is BUSTED'.  

Didn't take long, did it Mom? I don't care how 'genuine' the feelings are; and they are. What does HE have to offer ME??? NADA!!! Once AGAIN, it would've been ALL me; NO thank you. Been there; done that, let me see... Oh yeah, my ENTIRE LIFE. Haha  It's either there are TWO bank accounts, or I get a 'Sugar Daddy'; end of story. Haha  Yeah right; me with a 'Sugar Daddy'. THAT would be the day. Haha  But when the FLAGS are a Poppin'; I'M gonna send THEM a Walkin'... And I did. DONE.

One interesting thing, on a PLEASANT note that I wanted to tell you... (Haha)  I was too tired to tell you about it last night. When I went to the food pantry and was standing in line, I had conversation with this older African American woman; she was REAL pleasant. I felt a 'connection' with her for some reason; then I realized why, when she said to me what she said. She was filling me in on how it works over there, because I had never been. What to do, who to see, how many boxes I'd get, etc. I told her I see people carrying in boxes all the time at the building I manage; several at a time. I'm always referring people to pantries; I just never get to come myself. We had nice conversation; but I noticed she kept looking at me a certain way. Nothing bad, or anything; but she kept looking at me, can I say 'adoringly'; and her eyes kept looking to the top of my head. I thought, maybe my hair... But the more we talked, the more she kept doing it; then she actually looked at me and said, "You're an Angel. I can see your Halo." There have been a FEW people that have said THAT to me throughout my lifetime; but they're so FEW and far between. No wonder I felt that connection to her; she has 'senses', too. I took her hand ever so gently, looked her directly in the eyes and said, "Thank you" with a slight smile. She 'felt' me... And returned the smile with a slight squeeze of her hand. I felt the 'rush' of energy between us; I know she did, too by the look on her face. It was a VERY pleasant experience in ManchVegas. Haha

OK, Mom. I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom and Dad. Blayze and I are gonna try to get over to see them soon. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 6th July 2017

"Hi, Mom; I'm so sorry about earlier, and it's taken a bit to get back here. I had an opportunity to go to the food pantry, so I took it. Also, to actually get a break from Sully. YES, PLEASE; and THANK YOU!!! Haha  Yeah, I'm NOT turning THAT one down!!! Haha BUT, anyway...

So, we had quite the conversation; no matter what, they all end with 'he and I together' in HIS mind, and off of HIS lips. Sorry... If this showed me anything, it's that I DON'T want to be with him. FRIENDS; PERIOD. He's having a HARD time accepting it. I've allowed him to stay on my couch a few nights, so he could look for a job up the strip. I don't even want to get INTO any of that, because it pisses me off so much. I told him straight up, that he HAD to GO; so, he'll be gone by this weekend. I even told him, it just made me feel like I was 'following the same patterns'; and I'm NOT DOING IT. I had no problem helping him out, while he was trying to find a job... Had that happened. OMG. Yup; gotta go... Immediately. No more talking "Me and you, and you and me" crap. We ARE; but JUST as friends. I KEEP drilling that; because every time he says something like that, it's as though he's 'fantasizing'. People can convince themselves that a lie is the truth; I've been through THAT before. At least he's not 'haunting' me or anything; and he KNOWS he HAS to be gone BY the weekend. I didn't mean to, or want to hurt him; that's why I started OUT honest about everything... And maintained honest about everything. I've changed; but not where it counts.  

OK, Mom, I'm tired... Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 6th July 2017

"Hi, Mom... So, apparently this situation IS gonna be a little aggravating, like I thought. I didn't want to hurt him, and I did; but it's gotta be that I work on me, and he works on himself; we remain friends... But that's the end of OUR story. There's no 'future' for US. I have too much going on with myself, and according to the cards; my life. Oh, well, speak of the Devil... I'll be back; he wants to talk MORE. Love you, Mom; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 6th July 2017

"Morning, Mom. So, last night after I said "goodnight", I got up to do my final 'nightly routine'; which got me out of 'fall asleep' mode. So, I did cards to get tired. I ended up having to throw them out 3 times to confirm what they were saying to me; I wanted no mistake. The 2nd time, in all honesty; I was going to put them away, when a chunk just FELL out as I was 'cleansing' them. I looked at you, felt you; I got the message. Read them; so I did. When I saw the very first 3 cards, I REALLY got the message as to where you were going; so I continued. I was even more taken aback by that one; so it was definitely time to ask a VERY direct question; so I did. Again, I was SO thrown by the reading... I've done a few times throughout these last couple of months, what I've done before; I've actually taken a few 'snapshots' of the cards... I don't know if it's 'proof' to myself for when it happens; I can look back and 'confirm' myself. I've done it in so many of Ken's and my breakups; and it did help. It 'confirms' that, sorry... I have been on the 'right track'. It makes me feel better about the 'gift' you passed onto me; how I utilize it, and for what purposes. I use it the same way you did, Mom; as counseling, and to see where to go from there. But in all honesty, if this is really true; like I've KNOWN the cards to be since I was 15 years of age... 35 years of my life... Then my mind has been literally FUBAR'ed. Anyone that's ever seen 'Tango and Cash' will be familiar with that acronym, and what it stands for; and all I can say is... I'll believe it when I SEE it, FEEL it, AND SENSE it. Anyone can change if they REALLY want to; but they have to WANT to, then actually take ACTION. But IF it happens... OK; but I'm a hard nut to crack now. I'm what 'he' created; slowly, but I'm trying to 'make my way back' to, at least some sort of myself. I've done it before; I should be able to do it again. It's just... This time was so different; and we all know why. Never again will I be hurt like that... NO ONE will EVER break me like that again. NO one; not even him... Not even for a chance at love.

OK, Mom, I gotta get ready for work. Please watch over Mom and Dad. Give Poquito an Angel Kiss for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 5th July 2017

"Hi, Mom. I was just looking through the names of how I 'titled' each page of the journal I'm typing in; I had to laugh at how funny and DRASTIC the change was, just over the course of 4 days. Haha  Talk about going from real HIGH, to real LOW. Haha  I MUST be Bi-Polar then; Manic mood swings. Haha  So, the '?' in my medical record has FINALLY been answered; I AM Bi-Polar... Sometimes. Haha  OMG, it actually really IS funny; I'm sorry, Mom. Just peek over my shoulder next time.

So... Today really HAS been a day from Hell; one of my 'Murphy' days. But I did physically better; now if my voice would catch up. Haha  I got a lot done, and it felt good. I'm definitely getting there. Sully has still REALLY been pushing the limits OVER the edge; so, I have been throwing something out there that I would do if he didn't stop, and start being a good boy again. I did it tonight; and I think it was QUITE effective. Blayze wasn't even home WHEN it occurred; but he saw a different Sully when he got HOME. He was wondering what was up with the good manners, and being polite; basically 'kissing ass'. Haha  Yeeeaaahhh... If THIS one doesn't work; then Sully is just a sociopath like Tori.  

As for my other issues at hand... Believe it or not, I have not even had the opportunity to deal with them; I think he's avoiding it, because he kinda knows already and doesn't wanna HEAR it. He's been around all day, as far as I know. But while I was busy, he came up, and just passed out on my couch. Yeah, I'm not cool with everything going on... There are things that are supposed to be getting done; by HIM, and they're NOT. He 'Talks the Talk; but he doesn't Walk the Walk'. I'm done with broken and empty promises. Well, HELLO, 'Sleeping Beauty'… I'll be back, Mom.

Well... I'm NOT sure how that went. ???  I was completely FLAT OUT about how I felt... He thanked me for being me, so honest with him, it was just what he needed... Blah, blah, BLAH. The WHOLE time, I was trying to get my foot OUT of his grasp. Haha  He just wasn't getting that I didn't want him 'touching' me, so I gave up. But I pretty much ended it with, "So, I'll do me, and YOU do you"; yadda, yadda, yadda. He STILL was asking if he "Got right", would I give him a chance. I told him that this has only proven to me that I'M not ready. He continued to push... I pushed back. He STILL left my room, after I kicked him out saying, basically we'd be together. Uuuummmm, NO; I have a say in that, too. I've already 'tested it out', and it's a NO GO; sorry. It'll sink in eventually; it will have to. I'm not trying to be mean; I'm trying to nip this in the bud before I hurt him worse. I know I'm JUST not ready...

So, my Sideline number stopped ringing since I last mentioned it; then today, it rang out of the blue again... Same number. So, SOMEBODY wants to talk to me; so, I think they just SHOULD. Instead of just hanging up, or making a 'sigh' sound. I've texted, but received no response... I guess, whenever they're ready. I KNOW someone's there. There have been some other calls... Weird. But anyway... Time for some more burning of Sage, I guess. I need to do the apartment anyway.  

OK, Mom. I'm getting tired, so I'm gonna call it a night. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 5th July 2017

"Morning, Mom. You have no clue how badly I wanted to write to you again yesterday and last night; I've just been doing a lot of thinking... About a lot of different things; but I'm really feeling I'm not ready for any of this. It's either that, or I don't WANT it... I'm paying such close attention to everything; that includes myself, because I don't want to repeat MY patterns. I even TOLD him that; it's not so much him, as it is me... But it's him, too. Yeah; I really don't think it's all me and what 'I've been through'. I think I'm just sick and tired of the 'same ole, same ole'.  

I KNOW that what he's telling me about his FEELINGS for me is absolutely TRUE; I SEE it, FEEL it and SENSE it. It's ALL there. But there are other things that I pick up on that I just don't... OK. HE has things that HE needs to work on too; to get his 'life in order' and on the right track. To 'fix' himself, just a little in the process. He says he can DO it though; and what I know of him all these years, I have no reason to believe otherwise. But I ALSO can't live or 'plan a future' on grandiose dreams; such as, "I'm gonna win Megabucks or Powerball, Baby and buy us a Log Cabin..." Blah, blah, blah. Oh, that would be AWESOME!!! DON'T get me wrong; but I've never known ANYONE in MY life personally, that DID win... And I'm not gonna DEPEND on him WINNING for OUR future; plans NEED to be based on something MORE solid of a foundation. GOALS are GOOD; but then you WORK towards them... Not just 'dream', or count on a miracle. Another thing is mess... Now, I've BEEN extremely ill, and am STILL recovering; I have a ways to go. I have made it CLEAR to everyone around me, like I've BEEN TRYING to for YEARS, that MY life NEEDS to be simplified. I NEED to NOT be cleaning up after, and taking care of everyone ALL the time. When people are at MY house, it would be nice if they contributed to keeping it neat and clean. HE thinks he doesn't MAKE a mess. OH, REALLY??? I guess it's because EVERY TIME he got up, I CLEANED it up and neatened the area. Dishes in the sink; DO YOUR OWN, DAMN IT!!! I DO!!! I'm SICK and TIRED of doing EVERYONE'S dishes and cleaning EVERYONE'S mess, when MY apartment doesn't GET a mess when it's JUST me and Sully; even Blayze. Add ONE more person, and it's destruction.  

I just find myself getting aggravated AT him for all kinds of things. OMG... For instance; he told me he LOVES my coffee. "That's a GREAT cup of coffee, right there. How do you make it?" He apparently loves coffee, too; not like Ken, but has a couple to a few cups. So, I even showed him HOW to make coffee IN MY maker; or was at least TRYING to. I can NOT STAND when I'm TRYING to talk, and people CONSTANTLY talk over me, cut me off; WHATEVER. I've lived a LIFETIME of it, just went through an abusive relationship with it; not dealing with it. I'm trying to show HIM how I make coffee in MY coffee maker because HE said he "LOVED" MY coffee; so shut up about how YOU make coffee with however many SPOONFULS... I have a SCOOP, and THIS is HOW many. Haha   Have I gotten hard and cold? When someone is SHOWING you HOW to DO something; PAY ATTENTION!!! Don't stand there, taking charge about how YOU usually do it; it DOESN'T MATTER. You wanna DO it YOUR way WHEN you do it; GO AHEAD. But it would be a stupid thing to DO, because that's a LOT of spoons in comparison to a couple of scoops. HAHA   But whatever... HE wants to get MORE serious; talk more about what he "has to do to be [my] man". I really feel I need to back away for BOTH our sakes; I DON'T want to hurt him, and I already know I'm going to. I'm NOT ready... But I've BEEN telling him that "I've changed"; I'm NOT the same person he 'knew' before. The more he gets to know me, he may discover he DOESN'T want to be with me. He says, "No. I KNOW. I'm NOT fu—ing this up. I know what I want; and it's YOU. ME and you. Together forever." I can't do it right now...  

I've told him over and over, that I'm still working on ME; and that I have a WAYS to go. I'm not over Ken really; you can't shut 'love' off like a light switch... Even though some 'act' as though they do; I CAN'T. I'M genuine; for REAL. What you see, is what you get. What you hear, is ALWAYS the truth; and you'll ALWAYS know where you stand with me. There's never any DOUBT; you'll KNOW how I feel, because what I TELL you will be the TRUTH. This is gonna take TIME for me... And I NEED it.

It's not that some things haven't been nice, because they have. We've gotten take out, and I didn't have to pay. Haha  Last night, we had Chinese. THAT'S a nice change; feeling like 'the woman' for a change. BEING treated, rather than always TREATING. Pizza, subs... That part has been nice. The things he's said to me, that have actually 'assisted' my cleansing and purifying process; those things, I REALLY needed to hear come GENUINELY from someone's lips that TRULY loved and cared for me. I know that he does. But I'm just NOT READY to 'move on' with anyone else right now; I just need to be by myself... For now. I need to 'heal' more. My heart was RIPPED and torn to pieces. With a heart the size of mine, TIME is the only remedy for repair.  

So, now I've just gotta figure out HOW I'm gonna do this. I'm sure he sees me acting a little differently; and I've been 'aggravated' at things. Like last night, even though I still get winded just walking around or having conversation; he wanted me to WALK to the fireworks. Ummmmm, NO. One, I'm in NO physical condition to even CONTEMPLATE that right now. Two, even when I'm MY 100%, I have to be careful about 'taking walks'; distance, walking on tar or ANY hard surface affects me. I hold onto the cart whenever I go shopping for reasons. I WANT to get back into 'exercising'; but at a GYM. Where I KNOW I can get back home without difficulty, then collapse. Haha  Also, I really don't care about fireworks; yeah, they're nice and all... But whatever. I was EXHAUSTED and JUST wanted to rest. I told HIM to just GO; ENJOY. He didn't want to go without me, so he decided to just watch them from downstairs. OK. But then he came up and wanted me to go DOWN with him. I had already explained that I don't care about the fireworks, and that I was exhausted and wanted to rest. I had ALSO already explained that IF I went down with him, EVERYONE ELSE would occupy me; I deal with people ALL day, EVERYDAY, and I just didn't want to. I wanted peace and quiet and to rest; but that it wouldn't have been 'he and I' ANYWAY, because of everyone else. I had to explain it ALL over again when he came back up to ask me to go down with him. The first time should've been enough. IF I had changed my mind and wanted to go down, I would've just DONE it. This is MY turf; I'm not shy... Not that I am anyway. Haha  

I don't know, Mom... Like I said; he's a great guy. Always has been; but I really just want to be 'myself' right now. I need to continue on the path that I was on, and continue to 'simplify' my life and 'heal'. I'm DESPERATELY trying NOT to travel the same 'rocky roads' I have throughout my lifetime; I'm TRYING to break my own patterns. So, please help and guide me... Because I ALSO don't want to become a 'Cold Hearted Bitch', just to be candid.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 4th July 2017

"Happy 4th of July, Mom!!! How I wish you were here to hug... I miss you SO much. You know; I'm really happy to have THIS to 'communicate' with you, too. It's like a 'permanent record' of our relationship, as well as a way for me to utilize one of my passions (writing) for multiple things; whether it's to 'counsel' MYSELF, or 'vent'… Or even just work out some 'little issues' I have going on; writing about them either helps me 'make a decision' about something, 'clarifies' something I may have felt a little confused about... I get to work out ALL the angles of something, and 'see' it more clearly. So, this was definitely a 'positive' thing that, yes, Ken brought into my life. I wonder why he never kept up with Jason's; with all the time he spent on his phone and 'online'. Here we go with another 'Maybe'… 'Maybe' If he had spent more time doing stuff like THAT online instead of what he was doing... 'Healthy' things instead of 'unhealthy' things; but again, it's another "If I had only..." Whether said or did; or didn't say, or didn't do... Past tense, and usually ends with regret; just in this case, not mine.  

Yesterday was basically my first REAL day back; what a DAY IT WAS!!! Haha  I normally finish up my work BEFORE 1:00, and am home in time to see my soap. I can usually even STAY home for the rest of the afternoon; IF someone calls and needs something, a room or whatever, I go. Yesterday, I was BOMBARDED the MOMENT I was in the upstairs HALLWAY on my WAY to work. "Wylene!!! YOU'RE BACK??? I NEED to SEE YOU!!!" Yeah; yeah. Of COURSE you do, because Sarah doesn't do ALL that I do. Hahaha  But that's SMART; she doesn't want to be a 'me' and wear herself OUT by the time she's 50. Haha  I'm making it VERY CLEAR to people that I AM starting to take care of ME now; it's HAPPENING, like it or not.  Oh my Lord, Sully... You've seen Sully, and HOW he's been acting WHILE I've been SO ill. He's been a DEVIL CHILD; DELIBERATELY. Well... I'm STARTING to feel BETTER; I'm about 75% there. He's getting a taste that MEME' is BACK. Last night, he pushed it RIGHT over the edge and I HAD ENOUGH. I have been WARNING him, and WARNING him; he has NOT taken heed. I put him RIGHT in the trash; told him I'm DONE; and since he wanted to ACT like TRASH, he was getting thrown OUT with the trash. Hahaha   Ooohhhh, he did NOT like that... Haha  I even said to him that he's SEEN me throw people out, right? To include his OWN father... He shook his head "Yes". I said because THEY acted like 'trash', too. TRASH doesn't BELONG in MY house; so if HE wanted to live like 'trash', he could go live somewhere else. I could make a call. He VERY rapidly shook his head "NO". I left him there for a little bit, to let it sink in... Then I went back to talk to him further. He's been good since, so far. Haha   When all was said and done, and he was back in his room, Blayze looked at me with a HUGE smile on his face and said, "Well, THAT should be quite effective" and just laughed. Hey... I remember not being ANYTHING like Sully, and YOU put ME in the trash can for what; not even 5 minutes? I was GREAT for WEEKS!!! HAHA  And I was ACTUALLY a GOOD kid; just 'opinionated', and felt the need to 'express' myself. Haha  But when you're a LITTLE kid, and you're MOTHER says something to you... Keep your DAMN 'opinions' to YOURSELF sometimes. Haha  Yeah, I learned THAT one that day. Let's hope Sully can be JUST as 'sharp'; but somehow I have a feeling... NOT. Haha  

I worked until 5:00 last night without being able to come home for lunch. Like I said; BOMBARDED. People were stopping me on my way DOWN to the office, and the moment I got TO the office, I had 3 people show UP. Haha  I also had more training to do with Cassandra... REALLY busy, non-stop day. Sarah actually even wanted me to work TODAY. Haha  I was like, "It's a HOLIDAY!" She laughed and said, "I know; I just hate to miss out on anything." I get that; I do. I'll answer the phone, and I ALWAYS go to the office no matter what to make sure everything is the way it's supposed to be. But as for seeing people today... I'll tell them there's availability, and to come TOMORROW. If it was absolutely necessary, and they were in need, I'd rent today; but otherwise, tomorrow. I deserve that. Not only do I just work ALL the time; but I'm still not fully well, and if I push myself... I won't GET well.  

Sorry for the delay, Mom; Blayze came up, then he showed up, too. I also got into 'Criminal Minds' which is still on; but Blayze is out in the living room and he's off doing something right now. But THIS episode I GOTTA pay attention to. It's even a CONTINUED episode... Haha  OMG, it just DRAWS you in like 'Law and Order' does; but they're completely different shows. They figure cases out differently... I just love it. I love AND 'admire' the intelligence involved. I also love when I already KNOW where they're going with it, and am RIGHT. It shows that the people in my life that have said the things to me that they have; about what I actually could have BEEN or DONE with my life... Even they 'perceived' me correctly; 'read' ME right. I loved something I heard in the episode today. People were in a hostage situation; there was an explosion. An old couple was found still alive; the woman was conscious, but the man wasn't. Both were alive. When the FBI Agent said, "We're gonna get you outta here"; the old woman said, "Please leave me here with HIM. He's my Love of 66 years; he's my story..." OMG, my eyes just WELLED with tears. "He's my story", because they spent their LIVES together; and if necessary, they would die together... And that would be the "End of their story"; but TOGETHER. Now, THAT'S REAL Love. Then at the end, 2 FBI Agents that were SO OBVIOUSLY in Love, got married; after a VERY traumatic personal involvement WITH the hostage situation... Child of theirs involved, and everything. It was just an AMAZING 2 episodes... Really tore up my heart. Haha  But anyway...  

I gotta get ready to go down to the office. Cassandra has already checked in with me; I got a room I have to check out, she's gonna at least start on. OMG, my friend moved out, and I just can't believe it. He didn't even talk to me about not having the money for rent. But, what can you do...  

OK, Mom... Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 3rd July 2017

"Morning, Mom. You know what? I actually had a GOOD weekend for the FIRST time since... Blayze and I went to Derry for that cookout; but we ALSO had to deal with that JERK... Mike, was it? I don't know; but the rest of the night was GREAT. This weekend was really nice. I've returned to work, people are happy to see me; asking me so very concerned, if I'm doing better. Sarah wasn't kidding; I guess they do kinda care. My nails FINALLY got done. Haha  I did a deeper purple; they look awesome. I'm back down to ONE of my usual weights. Haha  I weighed myself a few days ago, even with a little on; I was 135 lbs. MUCH better... When I see 125, I'll be happier. He thinks I'm CRAZY. Haha  He's like, "You're ALREADY F-I-N-E, FINE." Haha  OMG, Mom... Do you HEAR the things he says to me???

Pretty much, every time we have a 'real' conversation about 'things'; I end up in TEARS. Not BAD tears; good and even 'cleansing, purifying' tears. You remember, this is a man I actually have known for a while; I just didn't think I'd 'get with him'. But, Mom... He's GENUINELY 'IN Love' with me; and HAS been for quite some time. There are tell tale signs, physically when someone is talking to you; I could always tell when Ken was saying something to me 'from the heart', or when he was 'just saying it'. Even 'I love you', right to my face. There were times, this last time together, he actually looked at me and said, "I'm happy"; and he MEANT it. It came from his heart; but he was on Prozac. But unfortunately, medication can't change 'character'; that's a personal choice. He does have chemical imbalances that ARE somewhat in control of some of his actions. If he admitted 'the problem' TO a counselor, got the help he needed, and possibly medication; he'd have a chance at a 'normal, committed' relationship with someone he loved. But if he just continues on the way he has been; then so will his life. But anyway... When he and I talk, there are none of those tell tale signs; NONE. We've both just been through 'a rough patch', and have some things to work on for ourselves; so even though he'd LIKE to go a little faster... He RESPECTS ME and how I feel. He actually knows Ken, and a bit of what we went through; and apparently, others have filled him in, QUITE a bit. Mostly true; what wasn't, I set straight. Ken broke shit, got violent, and I KNOW he wanted ME to hit HIM; which wasn't gonna happen. He got 'pushy' at times; once I landed right on my butt in the kitchen, near Jenn's door. But I KEPT saying, "I wasn't gonna live my OLD life"; and I MEANT it. But anyway... He NEVER hit me or "attacked" me. He was MAJORLY emotionally abusive... And he basically 'used' me, even though he genuinely loved me. You DON'T hurt the ones you love; especially the way he does. But again; get the help.  

Anyway... I wanna talk about what happened THIS weekend; not for the last almost 4 years. We talked a LOT. He thinks I look like Sarah Palin when I don't have makeup on, and especially with my glasses. He said, "And THAT'S NOT a bad thing. I think SHE is a BEAUTIFUL Woman. I was actually infatuated with her when she was running for President." And he laughed. I told him, as I laughed... I don't take it as an insult in the slightest; and I, myself see the similarities when I look the way I did. Haha  I thought the same thing back when she was running for President; she wears her hair the same way I do a lot, when I wear some clipped back. When I have my glasses on... We could be related. Haha  But those aren't the things that he says to me that put me in tears. He tells me what "an incredible woman" I am, ALL the time; just because of anything and everything ABOUT me. I know, because I asked him why... That's always his answer. Sometimes, it's, "It's JUST YOU. EVERYTHING ABOUT you. You're AMAZING. Thank you for being you." He says THAT to me ALL the time; "Thank you for being YOU." He keeps telling me how he's, "Gonna get it RIGHT, so he can get it RIGHT"; and he points at me. So, he's telling me that he's gonna work HARD on what he's got to 'get done', so that he and I can 'get it together'. He keeps talking about he's gonna win powerball and megabucks for US, so that we can buy a log cabin and a motor home, and just TAKE OFF. Haha  Funny thing is... Log cabin has ALWAYS been my plan; I was gonna design and build one on the lake, with a few acres of land. BUT... I had kids instead. Haha  He understands that even though we 'know' each other and stuff; I NEED to take this slow. I JUST had a 3-½ year relationship with the love of my life, and HE was just in my bed a month and a half ago. What I've ALREADY managed have been HUGE steps for ME; but he understands. He says, "But I'm a GUY; and I LOVE you. I'm GONNA tell you how I feel." Because even though he has NO problem as to how long he has to wait for me; we're doing this thing DAY BY DAY, to even SEE where it goes. But he does talk about 'future possibilities'. Haha  It makes me feel a way that's hard to describe... I'm VERY Broken; and I told him that. I still have a ways to go, even as far as I've come. But I WANT to be able to be a 'REAL Woman' again; if at ALL possible. All I know is it feels SO GOOD to actually be able to 'trust'; what someone says to me, what they're doing when they're away from me... I can actually SENSE and FEEL it; the TRUTH from him. I have NO doubt... And I can't tell you how 'releasing' that is; how GOOD that feels. Even when he's talking TO me, ABOUT me; I can BELIEVE it. It's just amazing... Other things that he's said to me, too; I really just can't put into words what they meant to me, or how they made me feel. But they put me into tears... Haha  A LOT of what he's been saying to me; BECAUSE it's really coming FROM HIS HEART and he REALLY MEANS it... THAT'S why it's putting me into tears; I've needed to hear these things FOR REAL, for SO LONG from someone that I actually MEANT something to... Which I OBVIOUSLY do to him. It's REAL, Mom. I SEE it, I SENSE it, and I FEEL it; so I hope I don't end up hurting him in ANY way. I hope I can 'heal' enough to give this a REAL shot.

OK, Mom, I gotta go shower for work. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 2nd July 2017

"Hi, Mom. He's downstairs for a few, and I just came across something that actually ended a long wait for me... I found the envelope that my REBATE CARD ALREADY came in; which means that Ken stole it from me, and never told me it came. Wonder what he used THAT money for? So, not only was I working for the roof over his head, and supporting him while he was just sitting here using me, and cheating on me; he stole more money from me, too. I just don't want to get into it anymore... It's done.

I called and talked to Mom for a while; it was so nice to hear her voice. She and Dad had gone OUT!!! So, THAT was nice!!! I'm so glad Dad got out; it's been a while. I'm glad he got out for something NICE; to eat seafood! Mom said he's doing good right now; but that Ken isn't. He's having more frequent seizures, apparently. Not good... He needs to talk to Nilsa, and see if possibly he needs to see a specialist; or maybe need a higher dose. Nilsa is admittedly just a 'General Practitioner'. If she needs to send you elsewhere, she will. Despite everything, I would like Ken to get 'well'; at this point, I just don't see it happening. He and I could've... Yeah, well; 'would've', 'should've', 'could've'. ALL past tense, and tend to come with regret.

OK, he's back so I gotta go. I'll talk with you later. Watch over Mom, Dad and I guess Ken. I love and Miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 2nd July 2017

"Morning, Mom. Well, I have to say that I'm feeling pretty good; much better than I was. I still get winded from walking around; but I can make it DISTANCE first, and be up and about for a while before I start to feel 'tight', winded and NEED to sit. That's a FAR cry from going from my room to the bathroom, having to rest THERE for a while; THEN proceed back to my room, once ON my bed, COLLAPSE and take 15-20 minutes to recoup for the MOST part. Yeah... I'm no-where near MY 100%; but I'm a HECK of a lot better and happier. I was READY to die; I could SO 'relate' to how you felt for so many years. From here on out, I've GOTTA take better care of myself; and other people are JUST gonna HAVE to 'get a clue'. I WANT what I have in my life here; it FULFILLS ME. But it HAS to be limited. Even my own have to get a grip on a few things... When I actually ASK for help; GIVE it to me. How often do I ASK??? And for WHAT and HOW MUCH am I ASKING for? NOT much; especially in comparison to what I HAVE done and DO FOR them. So, START returning the 'favors'. I STILL sacrifice and go without WAY TOO MUCH for everyone else; and THAT'S JUST WRONG. THEY are ADULTS; and when I ask Josh for a little money to help me out with Sully... I should GET it; because I NEVER DO, and I'M the one raising and supporting him out of MY pocket. This month, I'm hurting a bit; I NEED things for myself for my OWN health, have BILLS to pay, FOOD to buy... And I pay CASH for everything; I don't get HELP from anywhere, like food stamps. There are people out there that have it SO EASY, no mentioning names, that I'VE HELPED get what they get or WILL get; and what did or do I get from them? Exactly; nothing. Not even 'appreciation'; and in some cases, just 'screwed over'. But like I've said for many years, no worries; 'Karma' will be their 'Biggest Bitch'… Whether they're even aware of it or not, BECAUSE of HOW they live their lives. They make their choices, and I'll continue to make mine; which is why I always end up on MY feet... And they don't. I'm 'self sufficient', and they aren't. I don't have the problems in life that they do, because I make 'better choices' to live a decent, honest life. EVERYONE has problems; but it's the KIND of problems. The RIGHT road, is NEVER the 'easy' road... Lord knows, my life has NOT been easy; and that's OK. It's made me the person I am today; strengths, imperfections and all. But I'm GOOD with it; because I KNOW I'm 'OK'.

We had a nice night last night; did a LOT of talking... It's just weird how and when people come into your life. But like what I said about 'The 3rd Love'; it's unexpected. It may not even be what you desire for a while, because it was JUST so unexpected. It might be right under your nose, and you didn't even know it... There are so many different characteristics and possibilities for this Love, and the way for it to happen. I have to say, this is how THIS happened for me. I'm not 'in love', or anything like that. I'm in NO HURRY for 'feelings' of the heart. But it's NICE to be around a man that I KNOW is GENUINE, and NOT just saying or doing things 'to GET me'. I've actually known this man for quite a while; I just never thought... So, SEE??? People come into your life for reasons, and at TIMES for reasons; and then sometimes what you least expect, happens. Even Ken came into my life for reasons, as painful of a 'relationship' as that was. He came at a time, and DIDN'T leave like most men would, when I REALLY needed someone; and I will always be grateful for that. I would've gotten through, SOMEHOW, like I always do... BUT, the FACT IS, he was there and helped me through a VERY difficult time; and then took care of me when I was SO ill. That's what made me fall in love with him, and ACTUALLY let him IN and CLOSE to me even though I 'knew'… But there's even a song that says, "He's a man you hope you can change..." Didn't I always? Haha  I gotta lose that way of thinking. If there are things about them I KNOW I JUST CAN'T live with; it's a no go. If they cheat; SEE YA! I'm going back to the OLD me; nobody's EVER getting THAT close again. But according to the cards, I AM going to find 'love' and be happy; so, AMEN!!! Let's see... Haha  But they ALSO said that I was being 'released from my own prison'; FINALLY. I have been in an emotional prison; especially for almost 4 years now. But it DOES go deeper than that... I've carried a LOT of baggage from multiple levels of abuse for a LOT of years; my ENTIRE LIFE. I'm 50 years old; and I'm JUST starting to feel 'free'… I remember YOU going through something like this about an abusive issue from your childhood, when you were in your 40's. First, it's extremely painful; but then, it's purifying. I know I have a ways to go; and that’s why I tell him, we're taking this SLOW. ONE day at a time, and just see where it goes. I work on ME, while he works on HIMSELF; and we just see what happens. But so far, things are going well... It's gotten more 'comfortable' for me.  

Today, he's actually gonna help me do laundry; because I obviously can't do the lugging. I want to CLEAN. I'll take it easy on myself, and do it bit by bit. I have to go down to the office and take care of a couple things; check the room Cassandra did yesterday. She's BEEN supposed to do my nails; what's new. Haha  But I told her TODAY. I'm MISSING 3!!! I am NOT gonna walk around like that, and I did have a talk with her about that; how my appearance is, is important to me. I understand that 'life' happens; but we NEED to make an APPOINTMENT and KEEP IT. This shit has GOT to stop. I also talked to her about the fact that we're both 'Alpa Females', and she's WORKING for me now; a line HAS to be drawn. Regardless of how CHAD is talking NOW, I have NEVER yelled and screamed at him. After he was rude to me in a TEXT, I gave it BACK to him in a TEXT; basically was MYSELF, and did NOT hold back. Said it LIKE it WAS. But I NEVER yelled and screamed at him, or told people they could GO TO HIS ROOM, ANYTIME, DAY OR NIGHT, like he told Sarah. Haha  SHE knows what's true, and even SHE said that "Everybody seems to love and like you. EVERYBODY'S been asking about you, and how you are; when you'll be back." I laughed and said, "Really? Well, that's nice. That makes me feel good. But believe me; I'm sure not EVERYONE loves OR likes me. Haha  A lot of people even seem to be afraid of me..." And we talked about some stuff that's happened, I found funny. Haha  But it WAS nice to hear that everyone has been 'concerned'. When people saw me down there Friday, just to see Sarah, they stopped by to see me and how I was. That's also why yesterday was busier than usual. I guess I actually 'scared' some people. Well, GOOD. Treat me better and appreciate me. But Cassandra and I being 'Alpha Females'; I told her, when I'm telling you things, I'm JUST filling you in. Telling you the procedure of the BUSINESS. IN the business, I need you to report to me; what you do, when, and when it's finished. I need to be able to answer to SARAH. I am NOT ordering you around; I am as NICELY as possible telling you WHAT the situation at hand IS. The line needs to be drawn. She said she gets it; I hope she does and will. I've NEVER treated people like 'employees'; we're a 'team'. HERE, I KNOW things are different because I don’t get PAID; but to TRULY run a SUCCESSFUL business, EVERYONE should know their 'place and position'. That's why it bothered me when they said when 'trouble' was in the air, that I "created" the positions. No... I was 'hired on' as "Manager". There WAS an "Asst. Manager" position; and they talked about "Maintenance". I changed Jenn to 'Housekeeping', because she was NOT an 'Asst. Manager' or ANY type of 'Manager'. She [barely] cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen, and was a liar and a thief. So, the ONLY one I "created" was 'Housekeeping', and 'Building' got added to 'Manager', ONLY because I liked it when I was putting my position on Facebook; and when I was trying to JUST put 'Manager of a Boarding House'… IT changed it to 'Building Manager'. I LIKED it, and said, "I'm keeping that in my signature, because that IS what I'm doing." I didn't think it would be a big deal... It IS what I'm doing; and I did other stuff, too. I developed everything we're using, except "The Edmond Bible"; but I 'altered' that to 'improve' it... And, of course, I have nothing to do with our computer software, other than USING it. Haha  My brother Jon could do that though. Haha  I think I heard he's actually NOT working for Fidelity anymore; he got REALLY high up in their IT Dept. He was writing THEIR software programs. I remember when he built my first computer. Haha  That was SOOOOO long ago... I haven't seen or talked to him since long BEFORE you died. Danny and Dad are the only ones... I'm fine with that though.

OK, Mom; I guess that's it for today. I think I'm gonna call Mom to check on Dad; I haven't heard anything and they've been on my mind. Watch over them for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 1st July 2017

"Hi, Mom. Well, I've had a VERY busy day, my first day back; and I wanted to get home to spend time with my guy. I can actually say that it's gotten more comfortable for me, where the affection is concerned. At first, I could feel it; I was SO... I don't wanna say 'stiff', but I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I'm feeling more and more at ease; and I've decided to just LET it happen. This could VERY well BE my 3rd Love – My Easy Love; the one I've not only been asking for, but waiting for. How ironic; but anyway... I don't want to 'curse' this. Haha  I SEE a good trail so far in the cards; and before I read them last, you showed me WHO he is in the cards. I got it; thank you for that. I thought that was funny how that happened... I took the cards out; then the Knight of Pentacles fell out by itself. He's been in the readings, but he could've been any man. This reading was QUITE clear as to who he was, thanks to you. I got it. ;-)  Because normally when they fall out, that's what you start with; not in this case. You were telling me something, because at FIRST I thought to put it up there; but it didn't feel right... Then I 'heard' you; and put it back in the deck. So, I AM just gonna 'go with the flow'. I actually FEEL his sincerity towards me about how he feels... He's actually at the store right now; which is why I have time for this. I may actually be 'released from my own prison'. Wouldn't THAT be awesome; if I could have SOME sort of 'normal relationship' after EVERYTHING I've been through? I've REALLY accomplished a LOT on myself; Blayze is proud of me, and honestly... So am I.  

OK, Mom, he's back; so I'm gonna say goodnight. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 1st July 2017

"Morning, Mom. Sorry I didn’t get to spend time with you here yesterday; but a lot happened, as you know. Nothing I can consider 'bad'. I just really think I'm 'making my mind' up about things. One of the first things that got accomplished yesterday, and I have to say that it DID feel good, was to fire Chad. Yeah; I USED to consider him a friend EVEN though I knew FULL WELL he was lying to my face about being a CURRENT Crack user. Having him THINK I was 'stupid' all this time was annoying; but 'Devil's Advocate'. He was ONE of my 'Eyes in the Sky'; or even more accurately, he was a 'Rat' of the building. A BIG one; but I have others. Now his rent is back to $140/wk as of YESTERDAY, and he can't meet it. But WE, 'The BOSSES' are getting tired of being told "NO" about him doing his JOB because he has PERSONAL PLANS. This time, it was he needed $25 for cigarettes and SODA; and this weekend, he was going camping. Oh; so do your JOB BEFORE YOU GO. A ROOM needed to be done, and probably would've taken about 1-½ hours for HIM. But he reverts back to cleaning OUT the rooms is "not HIS job". Hahaha  AGAIN... THAT was a deal that I MADE with him, did not HAVE to because I have made it CLEAR to Sarah that part of the job is beyond me now. It's MORE important to HER to keep me for what she needs me for; what I'm GOOD at. The fact that I STILL KICK IN wherever necessary is just ANOTHER thing she loves about me. The rumors about what he'd be doing around the building and TO the new person, started BEFORE he got fired; so he knew it was coming. So, I warned Sarah. He already has enough on his record for us to get him out; we checked. Because I said to Sarah, when he can't pay and we serve... Let's NOT accept his rent even if he comes up with it. He WILL be trouble and with the drugs and prostitutes; sorry, I'm not turning the other cheek anymore. I serve him TODAY... :-D  He already has 3 on his record, which is ALL we need in a calendar year. I'm sure she and I will discuss it further; but it is what I want, is him gone. He's a liar, a con; he's a 'baby', and I don't need his 'crybaby ass' around here causing problems.

I actually felt well enough and went down to see Sarah yesterday; I've really missed her and told her so. She told me she's missed me too, with a big smile on her face. She's definitely grateful I'm so 'detailed' with everything. I write notes on EVERYTHING. Haha  I marked when Chad started here, because he was arguing as to when he did, and what he owed for rent. NOPE. I WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN, and Sarah knows it. When I got down there, she was looking through my 'Edmond Bible' book and found exactly what she was looking for. Haha  She said she KNEW I wrote everything down and took good notes; she was right. Then we sat and visited for a while, and caught up on business too; talked about Chad. Haha  He actually showed up while I was there, saw me and backed up so he was out of view while he talked with Sarah with 'attitude'. He had hung a sign on his door that I took down on my way by, saying that he no longer works for the building; to either go to the office or 'whylenes' at apt 201. He knows that's not allowed. Haha  So, that's just another one of his childish tactics. So, when he was done with Sarah, I said, "And don't hang anymore signs or tell people to come to my apartment." He said, "YOU'RE the Manager." I said, "Yeah, IN the office during business hours." He continued to mouth off about I never allowed that for him. Bottom line was I ABSOLUTELY told him what he could tell people that knocked on his door during off hours IF he chose to answer it. So again; liar and childish troublemaker. He's got attitude problems. He had it made, and got LAZY. He looked at it like he was doing us "a favor"; he got $125/week taken off his rent. Then he expected 'special favors' that even I don't get with ALL I do. Haha  An air conditioner. Yeah, OK CHAD... $200+/month JUST for YOU. Then EVERYONE would want one; and I actually should have one, because I NEED it for my breathing issues. But I don't ask. AH; enough on CHAD... I hired Cassandra on a probationary period; she starts today.  

I've been doing a lot of thinking... And of course the cards out of boredom... And I decided against the whole Dallas thing. He's disappointed; but I know it's not him in my cards, and the more I talk with him... Yeah, he's sweet; a sweet TALKER. He's DEFINITELY GORGEOUS... But I ALWAYS look through that. I think he's looking at me the way most men do; 'a conquest'. Not that I don't like hearing how "beautiful" and "gorgeous" I am; and that he "JUST CAN'T BELIEVE that [I'm] 50!!!" Haha  I love that nobody can. :-D   Thank you, Mom for your GREAT DNA. But I know you know what I'm saying; I don't need to meet him to know. We've been chatting long enough and I'm 'reading between the lines'. It's not that he's another Ken; he has legit issues. He's a sex addict and isn't being treated for it. He has other issues, too; but sex addiction is also a chemical imbalance. Had he dealt with the actual issue... Well, neither here nor there; because I have reached my limit. I've also decided to possibly take another route; an older man, but not by much. I think he may be the one that KEEPS coming into my cards because the feelings are 'pure' and 'true'; and isn't that what I'm looking for? I spent time with him last night and will today... First time I've let anyone near me; and it was weird, but kinda nice in a way. I'm obviously gonna have to take it REAL SLOW; but he has NO problem with that. Just day by day, and see what happens. I told him, I still have more work to do on myself; he said he does too, which is true. So, we agreed; we'll just spend time together and 'see what happens', but made no promises. I'm GOOD with that, of course because it was my suggestion. Haha  But he's ALL for it. He gives me affection, and it's OK; because I KNOW it's genuine, and he's not pushy about anything. You KNOW the difference. In the past, I've even SAID to men, "You're gonna change." They'd reply, "No; this is ME." But it wasn't; I was right, and they DID change. Every time. So, I know who and what I am; and my instincts are right on. I'm sorry if that's a bad thing for other people. Sometimes, it's not so hot for me. Haha  The ridicule I've had to live under my entire life JUST because of who and what I am, and what I'm capable of; if people only knew how I REALLY felt inside most of the time. My life is extremely hard, on multiple levels. Life is already difficult... Why people find the need to make life miserable on others, I'll never understand.

OK, Mom. I gotta get ready for work. Gotta get Cassandra 'broken in', and appointment coming to look at a room. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 30th June 2017

"Hi, Mom. Well, it's been quite the day; but I'm definitely on the road to recovery. Even though I haven't been able to get ANYTHING from the pharmacy yet, I've just managed with whatever I had on hand here. I've been pumping myself with the Vitamin D, and I added B Complex; that always seems to help me. Today, I felt well enough to shower; because even just back and forth to the bathroom these days took 15-20 minutes to recoup from. It feels good to feel like I'm heading back to my normal crappy self. Haha Well, hopefully when I start that med, it will get rid of the feeling like someone's pulling the 'cables' in my arms; as TIGHT as they can. If I could lose the extreme pain in my upper body; specifically my hands, arms and shoulders... I think it would help me a LOT. I have a lot of pain everywhere else, too; but those areas are SOOOOOO EXTREME. My back and neck are killing me RIGHT NOW; and I can HEAR my neck CRUNCH and GRIND when I move it in MOST directions. My legs... Haha  God, my legs. They give OUT on me, with shooting, sharp pains. Embarrassing when it happens in front of people? OH YEAH; but I say nothing except "excuse me" if necessary, and just keep trucking. I don’t want to depress myself. Haha  I'm starting to feel BETTER. I actually DON'T look like 'The Crypt Keeper' today. Haha  And the only makeup I put on was mascara; I don't look TOO bad. A ways to go to ME; but considering NO makeup... Not bad.  

I was talking with Dallas and it's a go for the weekend. I told him though, that this is something I want to keep quiet; I don't want people around here knowing 'my business'. Even though Ken and I have been broken up for a month and a half and everyone basically knows 'his story', and I haven't been with anyone at all; it's nobody's business WHAT I do, or with WHO. Tricky? Yeah, but it can be done. I don’t even know if it will go anywhere; so...  It's something new, and I want to keep it to myself for a while; 'test drive' it, so to speak. I mean, come on; I have 'guys' contacting me all the time. Here's one I actually might like; MAYBE... I need to see; and he needs to see if he really likes ME. And I'M gonna 'READ' him. Haha  I'll see what my first impression is; AND my last before the end of the date. I'll pay attention to everything in between...  

I just know that I want to be SEEN, KNOWN, LOVED and ACCEPTED for WHO and WHAT I AM. Doesn't everybody? So, this is NOT an 'unreasonable' request, desire or need. I'm a GOOD woman; STRONG woman; INDEPENDENT woman, that now needs help with things... I'm an HONEST woman; FAITHFUL, ONE-MAN woman; LOYAL woman; I'm a TRUE LADY, and actually have 'class'; you can be 'proud' to have me on your arm [so I've been told]... Are ANY of these 'bad' or 'unnacceptable' characteristics in ANY person? I have 'trust issues' because I've been burned to the core since the beginning of time; over, and over, and over... Not by just one, but by all; beginning with the one that should've protected me from all harm. Of course, not you, Mom; YOU were the one that was ALWAYS there. You and me against the world; even still...  

I just don't really know what to say to these 'guys' that contact me. If I said what I really THOUGHT; especially in response to their 'smooth pick up talk'… I'd basically tell them, "I'm not a whore; so why would I want a Whore-MASTER? Thanks; but NO thanks." Take your slippery tongue, and SLIDE ON TO someone who will actually LIKE IT. Haha  I should turn them on to Tina. Haha  Maybe they're already friends, and THAT'S where they see me.  Haha   Sorry... I don't LIKE men LIKE that, and don't WANT [another] one. I want something REAL; and I'm holding out for it. I'll DIE first. Dating 'a buffet of men' is PERFECTLY fine with me, if I can't GET what I GIVE. It's as SIMPLE as THAT.  

Why do I want to be called a 'pet name' that they call everyone else? Why do I want arms that don't care who they hold, or lips who they kiss; hands who they touch? Why would I want someone that could even THINK 'lies' about me; never mind, allow them to roll off their tongue? You protect whom you love; not hurt. You're made to feel SPECIAL from the one that loves you; and THAT'S how I want to feel... Special. Not because they 'say' so; but because I AM to them; and NOBODY better SAY a bad word about, make a bad MOVE toward, or MEAN any harm to me... 'OR ELSE'. That's what I want. "When A MAN Loves A WOMAN"; Great song. Michael Bolton sang it with GREAT emotion; perhaps he had someone in mind. But definitely; DEFINITELY, I DON'T like it when they tell me they love me when they DON'T, or do NOT FEEL it. I don’t like playing the 'I love you' game when it's meaningless. I've already experienced enough of the fake and phony 'I love yous'. A REAL Woman 'senses' it... We know when they're not 'really with us'. I guess any guy I meet is in for a REAL challenge NOW. Gee; thanks, Ken... But, actually; yeah. Thanks, Ken. He really hurt me, over and over; but he also opened my eyes.

I was listening to my music in the shower this morning, and Travis Tritt's 'TROUBLE'… One of my favorites, is one that Lance used to sing TO me years ago. Haha  I actually get it now.  

Well a sweet talkin', sexy walkin', honky-tonkin' baby
The men are gonna love ya and the women gonna hate ya
Remindin' them of everything they're never gonna be
May be the beginning of world war three

'Cause the world ain't ready for nothin' like Y-O-U
I bet your mama musta been another good lookin' mama too, yeah
Hey say hey good L double O-K-I-N-G
Well I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E

I LOVE that song; and the WAY Lance did it, OMG, HE NAILED IT. But he used to walk over to me when it got to certain parts of the song, and sing it right to me; that's one of them. Yeah, he's an entertainer; but he did it a LOT. Even married to Shelly. NOTHING would have ever happened, and they BOTH knew it; Lance tried many times when he was married to Amanda. What stopped it was the time when I was with Michael in a relationship; I went out to karaoke, alone because he's an alcoholic. Lance came up to me and said, "You know; you're a VERY sexual woman." I said, "I know that, but I didn't know that it was obvious." Haha  He said, "You know what we should do? We should just SLEEP together, once or twice; just get it over with, but NEVER do it again. Because THEN, we wouldn't be having an AFFAIR on Michael or Amanda. It would just be a once or twice thing." I looked at him and said, "But that would lessen me as a person AND a woman." He looked down at the floor, just nodded "OK" and walked away. THAT was the end of it. Haha  He still flirted and stuff; but NEVER tried to have sex with me again. But MAN; he could NOT WAIT to find OUT what I was LIKE in bed. When I was with Thom, he asked, and asked... Haha  Finally, when it DID finally happen, and Lance and Shelly were over for dinner, he asked... Thom just waved his arms through the air and said, "FU—ING AMAZING." Lance's jaw just dropped to the floor. Haha  I wasn't supposed to see or overhear the conversation, but it was kinda hard in our apartment; it was nice, but kinda small and wide open. Shelly and I heard. Haha  WHY Lance 'justified' it the way he did... It WOULD'VE been CHEATING; it doesn't matter HOW you slice it, dice it, or parfait it. It would've been cheating. HE was married, and I was committed to Michael; we LIVED together. I had a RING; a DIAMOND and we were engaged, even though I never married him. When I commit; I COMMIT 100%. Anyway...

I've rambled enough for tonight. I'm starting to get tired, so I'll say goodnight. Please watch over Mom & Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 29th June 2017

"Morning, Mom. Well, wasn't THAT quite the card reading?! I really don't even know what to say... So, perhaps it's best I say nothing at all. BLEW me away... But OK; we'll see.

Was it because we had that 'conversation' last night before I went to sleep; my feelings now about 'what' my relationship with Ken 'actually' was? We had, what I refer to as a 'Raw' conversation; I don't really hold back anything. Not even if it reveals weakness or fault of my own. TYPICAL Arians don't like to do that. I've never been 'typical', 'average' or 'usual' in ANYTHING. I am truly 'Unique'; for many reasons. But last night, as we have on numerous occasions throughout my time with Ken, we talked about my ACTUAL situation with him. I'm always saying how "I want something REAL". What I had with Ken wasn't; because it wasn't honest, faithful, dependable... What he showed me ABOUT him wasn't 'real'; it was fake. The REAL Ken is out there now; doing what he does... Which was why he and I were 'a lie'. He didn't show me the 'real' him, because he knew THAT 'him' never would've had a chance with a woman like me. Because in ALL honesty... I did love him; but I didn't LIKE him, especially at certain times. But the 'him' I loved, wasn't the REAL 'him'; it was the 'him' he 'put on' in ORDER to have me. He DID eventually really fall 'in love' with me, which was NOT the plan; but he couldn't 'convert' to the 'Right' way of life, make the 'Right' choices in order to KEEP me... And all he had to do was be a GOOD MAN. Yeah, 'Moral Choices'… But you have to HAVE morals in order to make them.  

I know and accept what our relationship was. He hurt me a lot; but I have, and will continue to heal and move on. I know who and what I am; what I'm worth and deserve. From here on out, I refuse to settle for less. 'Love' has NEVER been enough; it's the base of a relationship to BUILD on. Trust, honesty, fidelity, dependability and reliability... And it should ALL come EASY with the one you LOVE. THAT'S what I want. I'm holding out for my '3rd Love'; IF he ever shows. Haha  Maybe it's Dallas? Haha   Yeah... He wasn't even IN this reading... THIS reading was... I don't want to talk about it; I'm waiting it all out, and SEE what happens. I just know I'm not settling ANYMORE, for ANYONE... And even the cards say THAT; and in the end, it's 'all good', Emperor & Empress. Some of the things that happen while I'm doing cards, I find funny. Cards flip over while I'm shuffling; I'm not sure if I should read it, so I put it back in and say if it's meant to fall out, it will. Next thing I know, that card falls out. Haha  Sometimes, ONE single card will go FLYING out of the deck; and it was exactly what was needed to make sense with the TWO cards that were already sitting there. Haha  Maybe I'll decide to read in the book on a specific card, for more depth and insight; I'll open the book RIGHT to the page OF that card... A lot of the time, even flip a chunk of pages to get to the NEXT card I want to read on, and land right on THAT card's page. These things, and more, happen ALL the time; I get a kick out of them. Hahaha  

I was talking with Sarah this morning; she's getting a taste of Sue. Haha  She's been haunting outside the door because she wants her to call the doctor for her or something; so Chad's telling her she's on the phone or busy... But she's STILL THERE. Haha  I said, "Welcome to my world." Haha  She ACTUALLY SAID, "It actually hasn't been that bad; people aren't with ME like they are with YOU, thank God. I don't know HOW YOU DO IT, with the WHOLE building. No WONDER you got heart problems!" And she laughed... Haha  So, as bad as this has BEEN for me; THIS was a GOOD THING. I KNOW Sarah appreciates me and what I do; but just like anyone at every job I've been at... They take what I do 'for granted', because I'm NOT one of those 'GIMME, GIMME, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME' type of people. Do I know I'm good at what I do? YUP; and SO do THEY. Granted, I am NOT the 'sharp tack' I used to be; able to run my life out of my head... Remember the most incredible details; but I'm still GOOD, and DO remember details. I just write more down now. Haha But anyway... Sarah shows me appreciation, and I just LOVE the relationship that we have. I know I've said it all before, but it's because it comes from my heart; it's gotten even better since she's around more. I've always adored and respected her; I definitely love her. My feelings for her have only grown more fond. But I'm sure that her filling in for me this week, gave her a little bit better of a perspective; I do earn my place here, because I even do MORE on top of 'my job'. I do more than what she's actually doing while 'filling in' for me; but we know she's grateful for that. Haha  I NEED something in my life that gives me purpose; God didn't give me ALL that he did, and PUT me through ALL that I've BEEN through for nothing. For me NOT to USE it... But I AM exhausted, and NEED to start taking it easier on myself; if I could ONLY get others to follow suit.  

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 28th June 2017

"Hi, Mom. Well, I just had a NIIIICCCE, long talk with Dallas; he really wants for us to get together this weekend, SOMETIME. He doesn't care when; so, I'm leaning more towards 'Yeah'. I think it's time. It's been over a month; and I've at least been 'working' on myself, and didn't just 'jump' into anything with anyone. Ken not only goes with prostitutes; he got with a so called 'friend', Amy Larocque. I wonder if she knows he does what he does while with her? Oh well... Not my problem anymore; I'm taking my own advice from now on, and raising my OWN price tag. MY life is at least gonna be MORE about 'me'. I'm ready for a 'New Beginning'; the one I've always been 'promised', but never received. I'm putting out 'positive thoughts', and I'm TRYING for 'positive energy'; but I need a little more energy first. Haha  More 'positive' people will help, too... Getting 'negative energy' out of your space makes a BIG difference. I got the Sage, and 'cleansed' the bathroom; which is where Ashley began her suicide mission. The air in there is SO much clearer, and 'funky' stuff has stopped happening. I can't wait to do the rest of the apartment. I've had some 'funky' stuff happen lately; even on my phone. I went to log on to Messenger, and the profile pic had SUDDENLY changed to one I hadn't used in a good month. But then when I got INTO Messenger, it was FINE. I've had my Sideline number for TWO YEARS; it NEVER rings. I have it so when there's a number that won't accept MY number because it's blocked; I use that. ALL of a sudden, I'm getting calls on it here and there. I've answered; if someone is there, they stay silent. I've gotten 2 messages; SHORT ones, with just background noise and what sounds like a 'sigh' before they hang up. It rang and rang when I called back. I texted saying, "If you're gonna KEEP calling my SIDELINE number, at least have the balls to say something." For real... Two years, nothing. All of a sudden... So, OK; say whatever it is you need or want to say to me. I'm here; and always listen...

Luke came by today, Aleta... Haha  I'm exhausted. Besides everything else I already wrote you about; which took from this morning until late afternoon BECAUSE of all that went on today. Haha Phone calls made and received... God; I PRAY I feel SO MUCH BETTER by this weekend. Haha  People really need to leave me alone for the next couple of days; PLEASE.

OK, Mom, that's it for now. I just wanted to share my excitement about Dallas with you; PLEASE help me feel better for the weekend. Watch over Mom and Dad. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 28th June 2017

"Morning, Mom. Well, for someone that's supposed to be on vacation and resting because I'M ill... I have people here and on my phone an awful lot, looking for my 'help'. Haha  My life is just NEVER gonna change, IS IT? I'm trying to work on my own 'problems and issues' within myself; get my HEALTH in check, because I even LOOK like the 'Crypt Keeper'… But I'm STILL 'The One' that everybody looks to for 'the answers and solutions' to THEIR problems. Too bad the people that have been 'closest' to me at times in my life, chose not to listen; life could have been completely different for many people. Instead, there are many walking around out there, to this day with deep regret. How do I know? Because they've told me, STILL tell me, and I've heard it through others. There are reasons cliches' are created; because something happened to inspire them. Such as, "You don't know what you've GOT, until it's GONE." Just because you didn't 'see fit' to treat someone deserving of 'proper treatment and respect', accordingly; doesn't mean that others won't, and will DO so... Accordingly. And I'M gonna allow it.  

I've always been my own best counselor; along with you, Mom. And it's because of you, I have the morals, standards and values I do. You RAISED ME; I did NOT 'just grow up'. I learned young that your ACTIONS have CONSEQUENCES; whether good OR bad. It would depend ON your action. It kills me that people JUST DON'T GET IT; what they cause others AND themselves. They CREATE their OWN HELL... Which 'overflows' into the lives of others trying to live DECENT lives, such as myself. Therefore, THEY 'create' HELL for themselves and others, RIGHT here on Earth. Then, they think they 'get away' with it all, because DECENT people aren't vindictive and vengeful; they leave it in the hands of 'KARMA', which will BE their 'Biggest Bitch'. Thing is, they probably don't even REALIZE when 'Karma' hits; because they're just so USED to making BAD choices, screwing up, "Life Sucks" attitude so 'F' it... They're just gonna do whatever they want to do, no matter who it hurts. That's just NOT OK; but it's HOW they live their lives. There are a LOT of people I wouldn't want to be, the day THEY have to face God. THEN see what you 'got away' with. Haha   LIFE is about CHOICES; and we were GIVEN 'freedom of choice'... Because we're EXPECTED to make the RIGHT ones. Guess that's not the case for, unfortunately, the majority of people. No WONDER God's Angry...

So, I've had to try and figure out what it is about ME, that attracts this 'type' of person and man TO me. Gee, let's see... Oh, you need a place to stay because you're homeless right now? Come stay at MY place. I see a person with a drug or alcohol problem; I try to find a way to lead into a conversation to try to help them. Drugs is easier, because I DON'T allow them in the building. Alcohol, depending on the person, can be FAR more delicate an issue, as you know, Mom. Domestic violence issues; how many have I gotten involved in JUST HERE? Never mind over the course of my life; to help someone ELSE, not speaking of my own. Couples counseling... OMG, the LIST goes on. JUST Constantly. Well... I may not have a successful relationship OF my own (yet); but I HAVE been verified and confirmed that I DO and KNOW the RIGHT things TO a successful relationship. In MY life, it is TRULY a fact that the problem has BEEN the men; not me. I HAVE my faults, but I OWN THEM; THAT'S the difference. I can ADMIT if and when I'm wrong about something, AND APOLOGIZE. How often did I GET it? What did they ever accuse me of that was 'legit', and could actually be 'backed up' or proven? Yeah; exactly... I worked AT my relationships; gave them EVERYTHING. Anyone who even TRIES to say otherwise, is a FLAT OUT LIAR. The ONLY things I ASKED for were the following: To GET what I GAVE; and I won't deny, it was a lot... For the 'type' of men I was with. I don't LIE, CHEAT or STEAL; which makes me honest, faithful and trustworthy. I ALWAYS worked, and was even 'the provider' to the majority of the men; I still have my own income on Disability, and will ALWAYS support myself; and, apparently others. Haha  But no one can EVER say that THEY have 'supported' ME. I WAS the one that always had the vehicle or vehicles, until as of late. Even THAT isn't 'truly' MY fault, and YOU know it, Mom... SO frustrating. Even unlicensed, I STILL bought AND provided the vehicle that has been used by the family; Ken included for the last almost two years. But anyway... I gave love and WITH love. So, What did I want? To GET what I GAVE... But I didn't. "Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there is no reason to continue." And "Actions speak louder than words. We can apologize over and over; but if our actions don't change, the words become meaningless." AMEN; they most certainly DO. All I should even NEED to say is: I know. I know what goes on while they're with me AND away from me; so denial is absurd. I KNOW.

We apparently 'go through' or 'find' 3 types of loves in our lives; Ken definitely falls under the category of my Second Love – Our Hard Love. This is the love that hurts because of "lies, pain and manipulation". We "keep repeating the cycle, over and over" with the second love; "always hoping for a different end result; yet each time we try, it seems to end worse than before." It's "unhealthy and unbalanced"; possibly even "narcissistic". "Emotional, mental abuse; even physical abuse or manipulation." "High levels of drama". Haha  You THINK?!?!  "Emotional roller coaster" was used; I laughed. Haha  I always referred to our relationship as a 'roller coaster ride' that I wanted off of. But our Third Love is supposed to be the unexpected love... And it's just SO EASY... Being together isn't the 'fight' and 'chore' that it HAS been in the past; it JUST comes 'Easy'. So, I'm waiting for THAT one. Haha Dallas is 'easy' to talk to; and he's awful sweet. He even, I'm gonna say 'joked' about moving into the building to be closer to me. Yeeeeaaaah, but no. He lives close enough. Not in town, but within miles. He's close enough. He wants to meet soon; he says he doesn't care that I don't feel well. I'm hoping I'll feel better ENOUGH by Saturday; I think I could manage to 'spruce' myself up a bit for him to come over for a movie. At least the 'company' I'd be having, shouldn't 'stress' me out, so that I'd need to 'pop a chill pill.' Haha  I even had to put THIS down for a few hours because someone came by. Haha  I'm sorry; it just NEVER FAILS... 'Murphy'. Haha  

YOU taught me a lot, Mom; I even get some of my sayings from you. One of my favorites of yours I use to this day is, "When you go shopping in a dumpster; expect to bring home garbage." Haha  Because I'm NOT sorry, it's SO TRUE. Well, "You're only as good as what you surround yourself with." I'M not trash; no more 'dumpster shoppers' for ME. THEY'RE only as good as what THEY surround themselves with. They choose to actually PAY for trash; you could get it for free, idiots. There are plenty of THOSE, too. "Cellar Dwellars", "Dumpster Shoppers"; whatever you want to call them... I am forever OUT of THEIR LEAGUE; and I don't care what anyone thinks ABOUT that... Because, YEAH... I AM better than ALL of THAT. From here on out, I will LISTEN to my OWN instincts; because, damn it I'm RIGHT, and have regretted it when I DIDN'T. Flags pop; they're GONE... I'm just done. Things will be right; or they won't BE.  

I feel 'empowered', Mom; emotionally, at least. Haha  I've REALLY accomplished with myself what I set out to do. I'm FAR from done; but I'm ready for the new lease on life and a NEW beginning. As always, Mom, thank you; THANK YOU for being here with me through it all. You've always been my 'rock'. You and Me against the world, Mom... Nothing's changed, just because you're not physically here. You're still to who and where I turn; no matter what. I can't wait for the day we reunite...

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I finally talked to Mom #2; there apparently were issues with the phones for a couple of days. Dad's doing ok right NOW; so please keep an eye on him. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 27th June 2017

"Morning, Mom. Wow, to the last couple of days; I have just been SO sick. This has GOT to come to an end. You know when I spend time throughout the DAY, just sleeping... I'M SICK. That's what I've been doing for a good month now; go do my work, then come up and sleep. It's been coming on for quite some time though; I know that. I'm so busy with everyone and everything else, I don't take very good care of myself; because I'm too EXHAUSTED to. Haha  But that's gonna change; I'm gonna start looking out for myself more. Thank GOD I have this week off; I go in Saturday, but I just didn't see any need for Sarah to have to come in on the weekend. I THINK I might be just a LITTLE better today; I haven't gotten winded, just to get up and go to the bathroom so far this morning. What a NICE CHANGE!!! I hope it continues. Seriously... EVERY TIME I've had to get up for ANYTHING; it took me a good 15-20 mins to catch my breath, lessen the pain in my chest, and START to feel back to the level of 'crappy' that I've BEEN feeling once I got back to the bed. I've been pumping myself full of the Vitamin D that I have on hand. The Rx isn't covered by my insurance, even though you CAN'T get it over the counter; it's prescription strength. So, I spent an hour and a half on the phone yesterday with my insurance trying to get stuff accomplished; faster. The Cymbalta I finally agreed to take for my pain isn't covered, and needed a pre-auth. In talking with my insurance company, it would STILL be a Tier 4 med; which would cost me $95 for a month's supply. I pushed further... I also have what's called LIS (Limited Income Supplement); it assists with the costs of Rxs for people like me, and is part of my plan. We found a Generic that's covered on Tier 1 of my plan for the Cymbalta, so I don't even NEED the prior-auth; AND with the LIS, even getting an auth for the Vitamin D I need will knock THAT down in cost; even though it falls under Tier 4, to $8 and change. I'm SO glad I used to work in this industry; I know how to talk to these people. Thing is, I really wanted to already HAVE what I needed during this week to recover BEFORE going back to work. But, isn't this JUST so typical of MY life? Haha  I'm almost out of the D I had on hand, so I asked Blayze to go to the Dollar store to get me some of that and Iron; I have NO iron on hand, and they didn't have any; of course. Why would I with the issues I have with IBS-C? Haha  Iron can make it worse... BUT, I need to do it for now anyway; and I'll look and see what foods I should be eating more of FOR iron. Yeah... I'll probably end up taking iron pills, with as little as I eat. Haha   But anyway... PLEASE help me, Mom. This has been a beyond difficult and miserable month. I'm exhausted...

At least I've managed to keep myself 'busy and entertained' while sitting here though. I must say; I've learned, discovered and 'stumbled on' a lot of things. Some, I already knew about; but MOM... There's a DEEP, DARK, DISGUSTING world out there; even right on Facebook. I knew that people did things like 'sell' themselves, do sex videos, etc. But there's a DEEPER, DARKER world, too; I always knew people had multiple profiles for 'reasons'. Even aside from Facebook, there are ALL kinds of sites; even for MARRIED people to 'meet' JUST for sex. I knew about those, and they disgust me... There are phone apps BESIDES the internet. 'Free No Registration or Credit Card' Chat Rooms and Dating sites... Just amazing. So... I got curious about ONE I found; and I've been talking to this guy named, ready? DALLAS. HOW AWESOME is THAT name?!?! And HE'S just as gorgeous. Name SOUNDS like he could be a 'Chippendale' or something... Well, he LOOKS it, too. Definite 'Cowboy'; and you KNOW, I LOVE me a Cowboy... Haha  Just SO SEXY; and he IS. And as you know, I definitely know it's HIM, because we've video chatted. He's disappointed with me right now, because I won't; but I was honest with him about being really ill, and right now I look like the Crypt Keeper. Haha   He actually said he wanted to come take care of me... How SWEET was that??  But no... Not that I would mind having HIS 'boots under my bed', so to speak. BUT... Once a man gets in my 'home', it's hard to get him OUT. Haha  Also, THIS is not how I want him to see me. If we decide to meet; I want to be well and look HOT. He's 40; I'm 50... He said he THOUGHT I was between 30-35; he doesn't care that I'm 50. Good. Haha  Who knows, Mom; maybe HE'S my Emperor... My 'Ultimate Love'. I guess time will tell; because right now... I'm just trying to 'occupy time'. He 'occupies' it nicely. Haha  But he IS sweet, besides absolutely gorgeous... Maybe? We'll see...

Well, I guess that's it for now, Mom. I'm gonna rest and watch some TV. Please keep watching over Dad; I still don't know how he's doing. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 24th June 2017

"Hi, Mom. Well, as you know, I wasn't well enough to go to the cookout today; so, I stayed home to rest. I worked in the office until 1:30 or so this afternoon, and THAT exhausted me. I can-NOT WAIT to feel BETTER... My test results showed that my vitamin D level is EXTREMELY low; I need to take 50,000 IU's. That's extreme. My iron is low, too. Both are what's contributing to my fatigue and weakness. So, I'm SO happy that I have this coming week off; I'm really gonna need it to rest, and work on getting my levels back up. Take care of 'me' for a change...  

I tried calling Mom from sometime this morning, until late this afternoon to check on Dad. I even went as far as to attempt to contact Ken on Facebook; but he's in one of his 'childish' moods again. I'm blocked, I'm unblocked; I'm blocked, I'm unblocked; then I'm blocked again... At least from a few of his sites. I know sometimes when he unblocks me; he'll show up as a 'friend suggestion'. Anyway... You know what? Whatever; I'm too OLD and DON'T have time for games. He's the 'game player'; not me. I'm the one that sits home; ALONE. That's why I'm in the cards holding the sword; because of everything I've already experienced... I want something REAL; something I can BELIEVE IN and TRUST. 3-½ years of such actions... What am I to believe? And ALL I want is to see how Dad is... And how many times, like so many OTHER things, was I told that "It doesn't matter if we're together or NOT; you can ALWAYS contact me. Always, forever and a day." Yeah, yeah, yeah; blah, blah, blah. Where are You? What's your number now? Is it the same? I wouldn't know, because you never answered the text I sent you about the program and 'forgiveness'. Oh, and you block me on Facebook. You treated me like I was some sort of creep; not someone you even ONCE loved. Yet EVERY TIME you've EVER contacted me for ANYTHING; I accepted and welcomed you. You even eventually won me back, which WAS your goal to begin with; despite anything you said. I have to ask myself, Why? WHY WOULD I even want to subject myself to any of this treatment??? THIS is NOT love... None of what is done, said, shown... None of it expels or eludes 'love'. Hence, The Queen of Swords; she wants and needs... More. Especially more than what she's had; and THAT'S what she's 'fighting' for. TRUTH, HONESTY and FIDELITY.  

So, I pray that Dad is OK. EVERY TIME I do the cards, either a nine AND ten show with the Death card; OR TWO Tens... THAT'S just too unsettling for me; it's EVERY TIME. It's close, and I need to get to him. Not knowing how he IS right now; not having been able to get THROUGH... Only getting a busy signal... I NEED to talk to Mom. PLEASE watch over him, Mom; hug him for me. :'(

OK, I guess that's it for now. I'm just gonna relax with some SVU and some cards. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 24th June 2017

"Morning, Mom. Well, it's Saturday. Monday, I get to start my first vacation in YEARS; if you can really call it that. Haha  But, hey; I don’t HAVE to go into the office... So, it's a 'vacation'. Haha  Blayze said to me last night, "Yeah, and Mom; make SURE that you DO just STAY here and REST. DON’T go to the office; I KNOW you." And he laughed... Haha  I laughed too, because I know me; and I even SAID, I'll be 'bee-bopping' in and out, just to say "HI!" Haha  I have a HARD time just sitting still; I always have. I know that's one of the reasons I used to draw; other than I was actually pretty good at it. Blayze got it somewhere. Haha  I couldn't draw a straight line to save my LIFE, NOW. So sad... I've lost SO much ability. I used to play Alto and Tenor Saxophones, keyboards, guitar, draw, weight lift, type OVER 70 WPM (words per min); the list goes on of abilities I've lost. But, life goes on... At least I can still function at the capacity I DO. Had I not worked out my entire life, this would not be the case. So, VACATION it IS, and REST (to the best of my ability) it will BE. Haha  No, I will; I have no choice. But I guarantee, I'll be doing stuff TOO. I think I AM gonna go to the cookout today. It should be relaxing enough; and when I need to come home, I can get a ride, no problem. It would be nice to get out and be around people that are NOT the people from HERE. Haha  I JUST need some change...  

So, we had a 'Counseling Session' with my cards this morning. This was how 'the story' went; however, I will be leaving certain details out. I'm giving 'The Reader's Digest' version. But there are also other things that need to be 'self discovery'... 'He' seems to want to BECOME The Emperor; he's discontent in his current life and surroundings. Again, even he's aware of what needs to occur; he's been on 'an emotional journey' throughout this time... Experiencing a multitude of emotions; not knowing which ones to trust, yet always feeling 'Regret'… Because he's the 'Non-Committal King' that ALSO has a 'sad love history'; and more than likely, issues NOW occur because of things that even happened throughout his childhood. These actually cause him to 'act childish', even now. Which leads to... In order for any 'Moral Choice' he makes to be successful, he needs 'higher help' with those, and other issues. Otherwise, even though the 'Moral Choice' is DESIRED; the same issues could occur, because the help needed wasn't sought in time. The 'Moral Choice' is ALSO within; it's emotional, the choices he makes, period. This is a 'MORAL CHOICE'. In order to make the COMPLETE change from the Non-Committal King of Wands to The Emperor, being 'The Husbandly/Fatherly' figure card; it says he needs to be ready to 'live with the barest of necessities.' There's also a part about that in doing so, the people and things he gives up are NO longer of any importance to him. The reason why? He obtained 'Ultimate Love and Happiness' with the Empress; but again, EFFORT is involved. CHOICES... Or she's gone; she's there with her sword.

Choices; that's what LIFE is ALL about. You either make the RIGHT ones, and you're life turns out OK; or you DON'T, and you continue to lose, trip and fall throughout the paths you choose. You GET what you GIVE; and the same goes for life... You get OUT of life, what you put INTO it. You go 'shopping in a dumpster; you're gonna bring home TRASH'. I KNOW, THAT'S not what I want... I KNOW, THAT'S not who I AM. So I EXPECT to get what I give; especially from someone that SAYS that they "love and want to marry" me. I'm just NEVER going down the same road EVER again; with anyone.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now; Blayze is here, and I should get ready to go to the office, so I can get ready for the cookout. Watch over Mom and Dad for me. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 23rd June 2017

"Hi, Mom. As usual, my mind has been rolling around with massive thoughts all day. Throughout this time period, BECAUSE of everything I've been TOLD, READ and WATCHED; never mind what I already knew on my own... I've been writing and trying to work out my feelings and emotions; about just everything. For multiple reasons, but a great deal out of boredom; I do the cards a lot. I've done things that were 'advised' to do; I'm writing about things that I want and desire. I'm doing my best to stay positive, no matter what. But in THIS one... Some of what I write has to be pure emotion, and exactly what I THINK at times; and FEEL. Not that what I've written ISN'T; because it ALL IS... I just have OTHER thoughts, too; that by the time I've made it here, there's so much more to talk about, I forget THOSE thoughts. Before I take the cards out again, I want to talk about 'those' thoughts...

In the cards, it LOOKS as though The Emperor is someone I have history with; let's just SAY that it's Ken. The story line is more fitting with him anyway. Chris is an ex; JD is an ex... But neither of them have the 'bad habits' that Ken does. Neither of them put me THROUGH what Ken did. It doesn't fit THEM. I've tried making it fit; it just doesn't. Any of it. The cards clearly show that he's been 'actively' seeking out these 'bad habits'; but is not 'content' in his life because he is not with whom he loves in his 'happy place'. But AGAIN... It's a 'MORAL CHOICE' of giving UP the 'bad habits' and his 'way of life' in ORDER to obtain his 'Ultimate Love' The Empress, and 'true happiness' IN his 'happy place'. If he DOESN'T make those, so called 'sacrifices'; he'll lose HER. She's there WITH her sword... It's a 'MORAL Choice'; WILL he BECOME The Emperor? Or will he remain The Knight of Wands; the Non-Committal King?

You know what this makes me think about though, Mom? Ken would've 'liked' and 'loved' me better IF I was a whore, prostitute, junkie and/or piece of trash. That's what he 'flocks' to, sadly enough. Think about it... There was Megan; he spent HUNDREDS of dollars on her; was prepared to MOVE her to VT WITH him to live; and SHE was JUST a 'junkie prostitute', using him for his money. He'll actually do whatever he has to do... Work; whatever... To HAVE the money to get 'serviced' from them. What do THEY want from HIM? His MONEY; nothing else. NOT love and affection; not even the sex. It's 'mechanical' to them; they're doing it for their NEXT fix. NOT because they 'love' him; think he's 'hot', or ANYTHING 'special' to them. He's JUST their NEXT fix. But hey... If HE'S alright with meaning ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to someone HE'S having sex with; why should I care? Except when he comes back to me. How does he think it makes me feel; KNOWING that he's done what he's done, whenever he's away from me? How would he feel, thinking and picturing ME having sex with other men all the time? How fortunate for anyone involved with me, that I'm not a whore. How does he think it makes me feel that he's so willing to go out of his WAY for them; make and spend money... But NOT for ME; supposedly the 'love of his life'?  It just sheds a whole other light on the 'reality' of it all... The 'relationship' I had and with who. But God help me, I loved him. But "Birds of a feather, flock together"; AND, "You're only as good as what you surround yourself with." He actually LIKES and CHOOSES 'trash' over ME all the time; so what does that say? That I don't expect a 'moral choice' to be made in my favor. He'd have a lot of changing to do, and it's been almost 4 years... What I'd 'like', 'want', 'hope for'… Always seems to be in someone else's hands. When will it be in mine? I guess that's why we're called 'dreamers'. Haha

OK, I guess that's enough 'Raw Thought' for now. I'll do the cards and see what THEY have to tell me. Haha  Watch over Mom and Dad... I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 23rd June 2017

"Morning, Mom. I figured I'd spend a few minutes with you before I get ready for work. As you know, we just did a 'throw out' reading... Nines and Tens keep showing up with The Death card; today, 2 Tens. One happened to be the 10 of Swords. I gotta get over and see Dad. Otherwise, it was full of 'moral choices' in order to obtain 'ultimate love and happiness' with the Empress; there are things that 'need to come to an end'. Again though; it's ALL 'Moral' choices in order to obtain life, love and happiness with the Empress. She's got her 'sword' saying "No More"; this is what you WANT... The rest has GOT to GO. So... I guess I'm just gonna have these issues no matter what. Are they referring to Ken? It just appears that it's SOMEONE I have 'history' with. Did and do I 'want' it to be Ken? Of course there's a big part of me; HE'S who I'm in love with and wanted a life with. But I don't want the prostitutes and the other women; I NEED TRUST, HONESTY and FIDELITY... Or just forget it. I was ALSO just reading to see WHAT was going on in MY life; what to expect. Can I, just ONCE see 'HAPPINESS', without all the complications along the way? Hahahahaha   Because the bottom line; if it IS Ken... I don't know as though he WILL make 'the Moral Choice' to be with JUST ME; give up prostitutes and other women in order to have 'ultimate love and happiness' with JUST me. Maybe he finds that boring. Personally, I find that MORE exciting and happy; KNOWING who and what you have AT home... To hug, kiss, hold. I LIKE that 'familiarity'; that comfort. I never DID or COULD be with JUST anyone; that hasn't changed. If anything, the feelings about it are even stronger; MORE powerful. But I know one thing... I won't be going through anymore of what I already have. I WILL just live life, dating a 'buffet of men' if I can't get what I DESERVE. Life is about choices... Decide what you WANT, and go AFTER it. But once you have it, treat it with RESPECT; or someone else will.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom #2 and Dad #2. I'm going to a HUGE cookout tomorrow if I'm up to it; but I'd like to get over to see them real soon. Please watch over them for me... I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 22nd June 2017

"Hi, Mom. We just did one of the random 'whatever falls, we read' readings; they're still very accurate. Granted, it CAN get confusing at times; but you have to be really 'in tune' to be able to read that way to begin with. Anyway... I don't know, Mom; who-EVER this 'Emperor' is supposed to be... They have current 'bad habits'; The Devil card with the other card that usually shows for that, The Queen of Cups. It was the other cards around it that made me feel 'creepy'; and you always said to "go with your FEELINGS, more than anything". Do I really need that in my life, again? A man to hurt and destroy me because of all that, AGAIN??? I'm not willing... So, whoever he is, just KEEP him AWAY. I've got options; and I've got dreams of my own I'd like to fulfill... SOMEDAY.

I want something REAL, Mom; not someone telling me what they THINK I want to hear. I want someone to do for me because they want to; and be with me because they can't imagine life with ANYONE ELSE. If I can't have THAT; then I'll stick with a 'buffet of men' for the rest of my life and NO feelings. I'll only 'settle' so far. Just like everyone, I want what I want; I actually deserve it, too. I have to say 'Enough is enough'; NO more hurt for me... No more heartache. I need someone to see me FOR me; and love me for JUST that. And ONLY me... Always, Forever and a Day. IF I'm 'allowed' to have it; but as for the rest, no more.

OK, Mom, it's late and I should try to get some sleep. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 22nd June 2017

"Hi, Mom. I actually have quite a bit to tell you today, so I'm glad I'm home for the day; AND waited until later in the day to write. THAT just happened because of how I slept. Haha  But, it all worked out. I'll start off with GOOD news... Sarah and I had a little meeting this morning to talk about 'stuff'; I went down early just to do so. I have next week off, Mon – Fri, which is ALL I asked for. I even told her I'm NOT going anywhere; I'll be here in the building if she needs anything. I'll probably be going SO 'stir crazy', I'll be 'bee-bopping' in and out of the office ANYWAY; just to say 'HI'. Haha   There's no way I'll be up here for 5 days STRAIGHT. Haha  But I'll give it my best shot... My first vacation in 3 years, and it's to REST; not PLAY. Haha  Not fair... But since when WAS my life? Oh well, C'est Lavie. I need what I need, and she gave it to me; NO problem. We talked about other stuff, too... I know I've said it before, but I really DO, just love and adore her; and I love our relationship. It's gotten even better since she's around more. She probably thought I'd hate it; but I don't mind at all. It shows her what I do, who I really am; AND we got to know each other even better. I'm SO grateful and blessed...  

Luke came by today; I haven't seen him in a while. He's invited me places that I can't GO... Haha  But it was nice to see him. He's the same; talks the same, and acts the same. He's just the same. Haha

Got a call from Mom #2 today; NOT good. I said before that I feel Dad doesn't have much longer; after what Mom said today, that's a definite. I've GOT to get over there to see them... I need to see Dad at least once before he passes. Needless to say, Mom is beside herself. Their 49th wedding anniversary is coming up in August; I don't think... Please help keep him comfortable, Mom; and comfort the family. THIS isn't gonna be easy... I hope it doesn't cause any fighting or chaos within the family. I hope that meant something else, what I saw in the cards. Anyway... Please just be with everyone; comfort them, and help get them through this VERY difficult time. I'll do the best that I can, from where I am. I'll always be here for them... I love them.

The cards... I have them right next to me again; they tell quite the story... Kings and Queens are, once again paired; The Emperor and The Empress are at the VERY end. A lot occurs before The Emperor and Empress can be together. The King and Queen of Wands are together; but that ends. The King of Wands is 'the unavailable King; non-committal'. He has to 'tie up loose ends' with the Queen of Wands before he can BECOME The Emperor, and obtain his Empress. The Queen of Wands feels betrayed, unloved, etc... Because she 'put a lot of work' into The King of Wands, and tried to give him happiness. But she comes to 'know the truth' of the situation, and will be 'released from her own prison'. Then it moves on from there, as to The Emperor obtaining his Empress. Very interesting. I really just don't... You know what, Mom? THINGS in my life need to change; and everything is KNOWN as to what is needed to VERY SIMPLY, make ME happy: TRUTH & HONESTY, FAITHFULNESS, Respect, Dependability, etc... Along with ALL the 'affections' that SHOULD come with 'Love'. I just wanna GET what I GIVE. I DESERVE that. If I can't trust them; then THEY don't deserve ME. I just know that all I want is to be happy and content; I'm not asking for much. Someday, move away from here; start a new life... Maybe, some WHOLE other state. I can dream... Haha

OK, Mom... I guess that’s it for now. PLEASE watch over everybody; keep them comfortable and amicable. PLEASE keep Dad as comfortable as possible... I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 21st June 2017

"Hi, Mom. What a day; but I at least feel just an inkling improved. I know it's not much, but it's a start. The phlegm has cut down, thank God. I still get quite winded with any activity; but I'll get stronger now as days go by, as long as I keep getting rest. I've been thinking about asking Sarah if it might be possible, that even though I won't be leaving the building; perhaps I could get a 'vacation', so that I could just rest. If she needs me for anything, I'll be here; but I DO keep getting told the SAME things, over and over. I've worked 3 straight years; basically 7 days per week. If she could give me, say just Mon-Fri; then I'll take back over on the weekend, so she doesn't have to come in. I'll think some more about it; Cameron is sick right now because Tyson is away. Poor little guy... Separation Anxiety; he should outgrow it though.  

Well, Chad had a change of attitude today. I did more of my working behind the scenes with people I knew would get the message through. Haha  After leaving Rm #223 and me alone ALL day, he texted me within a couple hours; then he was in my apartment with his tail between his legs. He couldn't have been more accommodating and nicer; which is HOW it's supposed to BE to begin with. I don't need attitude or a hard time; I need someone I can count on and depend on. I hope this sticks for a while...

Well, Mom; I'm just really tired tonight, so I think I'll call it a day. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 20th June 2017

"Hi, Mom; obviously, I'm back. I feel it went OK. Nilsa fully feels what I feel, really... That what I'm going through is combination emotional/physical; and I need to address the emotional aspects, too. I thought that's what I was trying to do; but she, of course, REALLY wants me to get counseling. I DON'T dispute it; I just don't have the transportation THERE. We addressed my pain issues; THAT was a VERY difficult area BECAUSE of how I feel about medications, AND HOW they affect ME. We decided on one after discussion at great length. I've been on it before in the past; but it should address both pain and depression. If I can get rid of the HORRIBLE pain in my body; especially my upper body, I will be SO relieved. To obtain some sort of 'quality of life' would be a step in the right direction. Nilsa liked Blayze; she said what a good son he was. He was even vocal during the appointment, to try and assist me with Nilsa; help her understand things ABOUT me and my life. He was VERY helpful, and I am VERY grateful. He IS a GOOD son... I got my lab work done right there, on the other side of the building. THAT lady was a real peach. We'll see what they have to say.

Chad just ROYALLY pissed me off; but he got a 'taste of reality' BACK from me. He started off the job REALLY strong; just like they all do. Now, I'm getting complaints, he barely works... Talk about 'Free Rent'. So, I did bathroom checks on my way back to the apartment; he happened to come out of his room as I walked into the first one... The MEN'S Room. He knew what I was doing... Haha  So, he came over ALL nervous; and YES, I report to Sarah. We had a LONG discussion about him JUST Friday; NEITHER of us are happy, and we talked about possibly hiring out for the cleaning. Just GET it DONE. So, that's a possibility. I've done a little looking; we'll talk tomorrow. But what he just did was text me to see if I got to packing up Rm 223 today. REALLY??? First off, WHO made him MY boss??? Secondly, I'VE been and AM ILL. I'M not GOING to clean it, because I can barely stand, walk or BREATHE. I'm DOING my job... But OH... The text I sent back; I haven't gotten a response. I don't expect one. I'll be showing them to Sarah tomorrow. On top of everything, I've also had Sully EXCEPT for the last two days; but he's home now, too. I don't know... I just found that beyond 'ballsy'.

I've got a LOT of thinking to do to figure some things out; this ALL has to come to an end. I KEEP getting told the SAME things, over and over; "LESSEN YOUR STRESS." "Get more rest and take care of YOU." Yeah, OK... But WHO'S gonna come step into MY life, and take OVER for me so that I can DO just that? Haha  Chris talks about "sweeping [me] off [my] feet, and hitting the road; getting out of here." Do you know how GOOD that sounds sometimes? I NEED something different... I want some of what I've had, and a WHOLE lot of different. So, help me out here, Mom. Just whatever I end up with, I know I want it to be REAL. No more liars, cheaters or charmers; REAL. No one is ever gonna make me feel the way I've felt again; not EVER.  

OK, Mom; I'm really tired so I'm gonna relax before I go to sleep. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 20th June 2017

"Morning, Mom. I know I don't need to tell YOU, how sick and tired of BEING sick and tired I AM; this NEEDS to stop. I have an appointment with Nilsa this morning that it looks like I won't be able to make it to now. Chris was gonna bring me... But his truck won't start, and THAT happened last night, so I was at least forewarned. I let them know at the Doctor's that it would all depend on a ride; but they WANT to see me, and I WANT to BE SEEN. Well, that was Chris on the phone... Haha  I DO find it funny that whenever I either talk or think about him, he calls or shows up. Perhaps he and I have our own 'connection'… After what he described to me on the phone, it's the starter. So, yeah; no appointment today. I just called and cancelled it. I was grateful, and touched by him the other night... He was SO worried about me, he stayed so Blayze didn't have to. I had asked Blayze to, because I was legitimately scared to be alone, with everything going on with me. He watched over me all night, Mom... He kept checking on me. I woke up to him standing over me, just looking at me. He told me he HAD to check on me, because he had NEVER seen ME look anything like that; and it SCARED him. Yeah... He knew 'the younger, stronger' me. 20 years makes a big difference; especially when you have debilitating conditions like we do. But, Mom... The things he remembers... Especially for such a 'soaked brain' from drinking so much all these years; but the DETAILS he remembers, astonish me. He REALLY DID and DOES 'LOVE' me; genuinely. It's not just 'a word' you say to get what you want from a woman; HE GENUINELY 'LOVES' me... And always has. He's never forgotten the little intimate details; and when we talk... He TALKS about ME and the memories SO 'fondly', 'lovingly' and 'adoringly'; never a bad word... And there never WAS between us; we were together over a year. He remembers what happened the first time we 'tried' to be intimate; I started to cry, so we didn't. I just couldn't yet. I THOUGHT I was over my ex, and I DID have real feelings for him; we had been together for a few months by that point. I felt like SUCH a jerk, and HE was SUCH a comforting gentleman; he understood. And we moved on from there. WHEN I was ready, it was all good... And he remembers HOW 'all good' it was. Haha  Especially after everything in my life as of late; hearing about the 'younger' me was actually a pleasure. He even said it; he remembers me being a VERY "sexual woman"… Because I WAS, with the right person that I loved and had FEELINGS for. So, I obviously haven't changed in the morals department, anyway.  

Chris says he's gonna win big, and we're gonna leave here together. Haha  Well, if he wins big, who knows? I'll believe it when I see it. Haha  Something's gotta happen though, Mom. I obviously can't keep doing what I'm doing; not for too much longer anyway. People, doctors; everyone always tells me to "take care of YOU", because I can't take care of everybody else if I'M sick. Haha  But the fact of the matter is... If I don't, WHO WILL??? I don't have a 'Me' in MY life; I wasn't as blessed as you, to have a child that would move HEAVEN and EARTH if they had to for you, their Mother. I'd miss work, drive to your house BEFORE work; I spent the time with you in the hospital, ANY time you were there, day AND night... I just REALLY wish I had a 'Me'; life wouldn't be quite so scary. Sometimes, it just makes me think... If I don't want to be alone, I may have to 'settle', at least somewhat. There's Chris... At least he doesn't cheat and I KNOW when he says he loves me, he MEANS it. It's not just something he says to every woman... Maybe he IS my 'ultimate love'…? I don't know, Mom. I KNOW what he wants; I KNOW what JD wants; they both have legit feelings for me. 2 totally different types of men though. I've also been talking a little with this guy named Guy. Haha  He thinks I'm "beautiful". I like it when they say that, or things of the like; even though 'hot' is a compliment too, there IS a difference. It's in their perception OF you. I like that men think I'm 'hot', too; but again, there's a difference in the perception, and it speaks volumes about them. Chris has ALWAYS referred to me as "a beautiful and lovely Lady". He was even telling me, over and over (Haha), that yesterday while I was getting ready for work, he was watching me. He saw me in the bathroom in my black dress, and he said that I am SUCH a beautiful woman; inside and out. He said it's not just my looks; I am JUST a "beautiful Lady and woman"; that [I] was "Fine, all the way around; no matter HOW you looked at [me]." I told him he had no clue how much that meant to me... And you know what? That's how Chris has ALWAYS been; It's NOT an act. He was like that when we were together before; and I was just 'the Girl that got away' because of his stupid drinking. I don't want a MAJOR drinker, smoker, liar, cheater or thief. I need someone I can believe IN and depend ON; IF that ever happens. Haha  But, according to the cards, I'm gonna have to choose.

Wow... Blayze just walked in and asked if Chris was gonna be able to bring me; I told him no. He said that HE was gonna bring me, because this has gone on TOO long and I was going TODAY. He called his boss, and apparently has been telling his boss about me being sick. So, I have to go get ready for my appointment; he's even going IN with me!!! I think I've scared him... I'm sorry; I didn't mean to. Lord knows, I've been there...  

OK, Mom, I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 18th June 2017

"OK, Mom... As you can see, I made it back up here; I took Xanax this time and I'm laying down. Oh my Lord, it was horrible... Stabbing pain, right in the left side of my chest; and I could NOT get a breath. I actually ran into Chris up on the second floor, coming out of Tuesday's room. He said, "What the HELL is WRONG with you??? You need to go to the hospital." I just kept waving my hand 'no'; I just needed a pill and to relax. Those attacks wear me out though... So I'm gonna get something to eat and lay down. Thank you for being with me and getting me back to the apartment safely.

I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 18th June 2017

""Best Of Intentions" - Travis Tritt

I had big plans for our future,
Said I'd give you the whole world somehow
I tried makin' good on that promise,
Thought I'd be so much further by now
Never could build you a castle,
Even though you're the queen of my heart
But I've had the best of intentions from the start

Now some people think I'm a loser,
Cause I seldom get things right
But you make me feel like a winner,
When you wrap me in your arms so tight
Please tell me you will remember,
No matter how much I do wrong
That I had the best of intentions all along

I'd gave you a ring, and I promised you things
I always thought we'd do

But my best-laid plans slipped right through my hands
to show my love for you.
And if you could read my heart,
then you'd know without exception
It was all with the best of_ intentions


So here I am asking forgiveness,
and praying that you'll understand
Don't think I take you for granted,
girl I know just how lucky I am
Though you deserve so much better,
you won't find devotion more true
Cause I've had the best of intentions
Girl I've had the best of intentions,
Yes, I've had the best of intentions
loving you...

This song ALWAYS makes me think of Ken. I just heard THIS and 'Strip It Down'. But when I first got to my office, 'Head Over Boots' was playing. I'm TELLING YA!!! KNOCK IT OFF!!!

I'm having REAL bad chest pains today, and I have Pest Control tomorrow. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help me. I'm having a REAL HARD day today. I was supposed to call Friday if not better and DIDN'T.... Sharp, stabbing pain... Gotta go. Love you, Mom. <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 18th June 2017

"Hi, Mom; Yeah, I'm back. 'We' just did cards, and what a reading. As of late, they've all been a little 'wow'; sometimes, there's so MUCH going on it gets confusing. I spend time with the book to get clarity, as much as possible. But these last few have been much clearer; I just don't know exactly 'who' everybody is... I can only assume in a few areas; others, I'm in complete darkness and will have to wait until it happens. THEN, I'll say, "Oooohhhh. So, THAT'S what that meant in the cards." Hahaha  I do it ALL the time. Haha  But anyway... As happens NOW and THEN, cards will 'pair'; such as Kings and Queens, the Emperor & Empress, etc. They've been doing that a LOT lately; like the last couple of weeks... And just did it again. King & Queen of Pentacles are together, and so are the Emperor & Empress; these signify 'husbandly' and 'wifely' characters. Those always came up for Ken and I... But, Mom; if I read the cards from beginning to end; the end ALWAYS ending in love and happiness as of late... My 'Ultimate Love'…  

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK. Wait. Let's just talk 'in general' here. I already said he was either moving and/or leaving another relationship; yeah, that could fit. But because he wanted to know what he meant and was worth to 'someone else'; 'a love that went wrong'; his 'true love'. So, he gets to a point where he 'ends' things to move on to HER; because he's 'not ready to give up the fight'. Then enters the Emperor & Empress; AFTER he finally 'ties up loose ends' with the other woman; with whom, there's apparently been some fighting going on anyway. Once he moves on from her to his 'ultimate love'; it's all 'happy place' and 'sunshine' as long as the RIGHT decisions are made... Which were that HE had been on an 'emotional journey', and had come to realizations. Again... I'm READING CARDS here... I'm looking at them RIGHT now. Haha  He made up his mind as to what he wanted, and pursued it. But changes are necessary and known; and he's far from the end result. But with effort, in the vehicle of time, he WILL HAVE ALL that he seeks; the woman AND the love in his life. It’s all based on whether he makes the right decisions. Now... I happen to know that woman at the end is me. So, needless to say... That reading scared the HELL out of me. Who ELSE could it be, Mom??? Let's just be real here. Unless I have another ex out there that's in love with me that I'M in love with. I don't know... He CAN'T keep coming in and out of my life; love or not. He 'damages' me SO much EVERY time... SERIOUS changes would have to be QUITE apparent in order... He was EVERYTHING to me; and he destroyed me, carelessly. I want what I want; and I don't want to settle. And I DESERVE NOT to have to. I've been ALONE and WORKING on myself. What has he been doing? Being 'Ken', and that's ALL I have to say; we know his 'habits'. I LOVE him and even miss him; but imagine what he could've accomplished in a month...? Kelly Beard is just two words TOO many; and I'm sorry, I know she contacted ME because Ken contacted HER. I've gotten 'wind' he's been 'in the office'. It is what it is... He just can't seem to stay away from people like that; 'trash', and I don't know why. I heard she looks even worse now than she did when she lived here. But, "you look how you live"; that's what you taught me, and I've SEEN it for myself. Sex and drugs are a hard life... But, I guess all the 'rumors' about Kelly and how for a 'Toot', her 'area' isn't disappointing, was just too much knowledge to have and not try? Not to mention other rumors. Samantha Lepine; a pain in the ass, trashy little REDHEAD. She's another one; he's got a 'thing' for her, too. One named Patience... Among many others. But I guess one of the things that really bothers me on top of it all, is his dishonesty about it. If you're SO ASHAMED of ALL that you do; STOP DOING it. You LIE and are ashamed BECAUSE you know it's all wrong. Especially... Especially when you could have had something SO wonderful; SO beautiful and phenomenal as you and I were together. And you know what? THAT was HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY; at least I always have been. I'm dependable and reliable, among other things. Again... I don’t want to, and don't believe that I've just been a 'comfortable convenience' for the last 3-½ years; it may have started off that way, but he fell in love with me for REAL. I DO KNOW and can FEEL the difference. I knew when he was 'with ME' and when he was somewhere else in his head; I didn't like it, but I knew. I guess I just can't wrap my brain around that if I can love and accept HIM with ALL HIS faults, issues, past, etc; WHY does he need MORE than ME, when there are SO MANY MEN that would LOVE to have a CHANCE with me, and CAN'T? Not even when I'm single. But HE HAD me; I LOVE him, and he continually screws me over. WHY??? YES, I KNOW it's not me, it's him...  

Mom. I WANT love in my life, and I WANT it to be that 'Ultimate Love' that I'm always shown, and can I say 'promised'? I WANT IT. But it HAS to be right for me... PLEASE. I'm leaving this all in yours, the other Blessed Mother's and all that is Spiritual and Holy's hands. I'm trying so hard to better myself so that I can MAYBE have somewhat of a 'normal', even sex life with whomever I'm with. IF that's going to be Ken... Then HE has to do the same; work on himself, so that none of the same issues EVER occur again... EVER. Funny thing is, I keep getting mail for him, which means he hasn't changed his address. Why? I'm blocked on Facebook, he's 'doing his thang' with women... Why not change his address? I don't know... Anyway, just PLEASE look out for MEEEE; WHOEVER this man is. I want and NEED some happiness in my life now. I've had enough of everything else; MORE than enough OR my share.  

OK, Mom, that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 18th June 2017

"Morning, Mom. Yeah, yeah, I know; I TRIED to sleep later. I even managed to stay UP later. But I HAVE to laugh... I got up a little before 4:00 for my 'pee trip', then came back and curled up in bed. I could NOT go back to sleep for the life of me. I laid there thinking; then realized my eyes were open. Haha  So, I said to hell with it; just get up. I rolled, saw the clock, and it was 4:20 am. Haha  I HAD to laugh... I got up, made coffee and, believe it or not; actually watched a little of this 'Preacher Show' that I always change. Haha The guy was actually REALLY funny; and he made a lot of sense. I listened for a while, then changed it to my regular shows that I have on now; and now I'm here with you.

I gotta tell you something else funny; 'ironic' funny. There's a guy interested in me; another one. Guess what his NAME is... REID. FIRST name!!! Haha  Spelled different too, thank God. If anything ever came of it though; anytime I said his name, all I can hear in my head right NOW is KEN'S voice, saying, "Good one REED", or ONE of the things he used to say to me. LMFAO  So, I don't know... Haha  He could be the NICEST guy in the world; and it just MIGHT not be able to happen. Hahahahahahaha  Damn 'Bad Penny'… Hahaha  ANYWAY... I don’t know WHY I'm LAUGHING!!! I just find it SO FUNNY!!! Is GOD PURPOSELY slapping me across the face with stuff in my ENTIRE LIFE? Haha  I have these, so called 'GIFTS' that IF I talked about, everyone would think I was INSANE or CERTIFIABLE, and just want to burn me at the stake or have me committed somewhere. Especially IF I DID talk about stuff openly; because I DON'T. I only divulge so much. I learned YOUNG, NOT to talk about this stuff, except with YOU, Mom; or our 'LIKE kind'… Which are VERY few and far between. I GET that our 'GIFTS' [AHEM curse] has a LOT of things that 'occur' that make US hard to live with, hard to believe what we tell you is TRUE... But it is; and I think I've proven myself enough to the people that MATTERED to me. The rest is up to them.  

People have SUCH misconceptions as to WHAT 'psychic ability' REALLY IS. I'm not a 'Fortune Teller'or Palm Reader; I don't 'look into crystal balls', or 'stir a witch's brew'. Does that all exist? Certainly; and MORE. I guess it all depends on what you're actually USING your ability FOR. I just allow MINE to come naturally.  The cards assist me; they give me hope, confirm me, etc.  Otherwise, I 'get feelings' about things I can't explain. I 'know' stuff I don’t know WHY I know... And a LOT of the time, I LITERALLY get a message; I HEAR something said to me. I DON'T KNOW!!! I can't explain it; you had it, too. One Blayze and I were JUST talking about yesterday was Ken and Jason, his son; the message I got from him that I did NOT know how to tell Ken... Because it was about that ring. I KNOW he blames ME for that ring; but I PUT it in his bag when I threw him out, and THAT was the LAST I SAW IT. But it's gone because JASON wants it that way. Jason didn't want ANYONE wearing THAT ring; it was HIS and it was ONLY to be worn by him. It was his wedding ring. I got the message LOUD and clear when I went to put it on; I took it RIGHT off and put it on the ring holder. Ken asked me why I wasn't wearing it; I told him I took it off because my fingers swelled, which was TRUE.  But I did NOT know how to tell him about the message. The ring is lost because it should've been buried WITH Jason. ANYONE that finds it, will lose it. The ring that Blayze has that LOOKS a lot like it, is hardened steel; he got it at Myths & Maidens in the mall. Just one of my 'crosses' I bear... Another thing is 'I see dead people'. Haha  Just not as though they're STILL living; they're more like 'shadows' if I'm seeing them in FULL human form. Otherwise, it's more like smoke, and then there are the light orbs.  

There's just a LOT that we 'experience'; and all we ever really want out of life is love and acceptance. Right, Mom? I guess, especially where we're so naturally giving of ourselves; we find it hard to comprehend the selfishness in others. We learn HARD lessons in life; which, in turn leaves US 'Broken Angels'. A LOOOOOOT of hard lessons have brought me where I am today; but I'm still standing. I'm still here; waking up everyday to face the world that I really DON'T want to face. People have tried to crush and destroy me over all of these years... But HERE I AM; STILL STANDING. I may not be tall (haha), but I NEVER CRUMBLE. I have my MOMENTS of weakness; but they're moments in time. NOT a lifetime of weakness, like SO many others; and I'm gonna KEEP reminding myself of that. I may not be who and what I WAS; but I'm STILL standing, and still going (somewhat) strong. I'm still independent; for the most part. Maybe I lost the bag of chips; but I guess I'm still 'all that'. Haha  Oh, Mom, I love you SO MUCH... <3

There's another guy 'hitting me up'; got right down to "R u single?" Long hair... Yeah, BAD BOY ALERT!!! Haha  I said, that as of recently, I am; but I'm not interested in 'chatting up' another 'BAD BOY', THANK YOU VERY MUCH, NO THANK YOU!!! Haha  I re-opened my other site, just briefly. I haven't totally decided what I'm gonna do. I'm hoping it was closed long enough, people will stop sending me requests. I realize I 'worded' it incorrectly in the profile area; so I'll have to go change that. But anyway...

I actually got some positive feedback from Lisa that Josh had been talking about me. She said, "You're his WORLD." I looked at her and said, "Wow. That's certainly nicer than hearing what I USUALLY hear that Josh says about me." Haha  She said, "No. You DON'T understand. YOU ARE HIS WORLD. I just thought you should know that." OK... Well, GOOD; Because THEY have ALWAYS BEEN MINE. ALWAYS. Always WERE, and always WILL BE. "There will ALWAYS be Three... Just now there's room for Four or more." HE thought I "hated" him... GOD, NO!!! HE'S MY WORLD!!! My first born... The one I depended on for years. He's just gotten 'wayward' in ways; he needs to get his act together. He's doing exactly what he calls WOMEN OUT for; except for us "1 Percenters". Hahaha  Thank GOD I fall into that category, or my son and I would have some SERIOUS ISSUES.  Haha   I love, Love, LOVE HIM. I just wish he made better decisions so that I could be living my OWN life, rather than raising and supporting Sully; but NOBODY ELSE is gonna do it. If Josh can't handle it; well then, I do what I ALWAYS do and take the reins. I LOVE Sully. Did I WANT this at this point in my life? No; but the fact is, I never 'intended' to have children ANYWAY. It was apparently my LIFE'S plan. I've been 'rearing' children since I WAS a child myself; just LIKE you, Mom. You know... I never thought about that similarity before, because they weren't siblings. But I used to HELP babysit when I was little. I started babysitting on my OWN at 11 years old. I've helped raise kids, other than my own... And now, I'm raising my Grandson. I've been BUSY!!! Haha  Sully keeps trying to call me "Momma"; I won't let him. I'm his Meme'. I explain that I DO everything for him that a Mother does; but I'm STILL his Meme'. He, of course plays his 'cutsie' little games; but I DON'T and WON'T allow him to call me by any 'Mother' name. I'm MEME'; I EARNED it.  

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. It's still early; I think I'll read some cards or something. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 17th June 2017

"Hi, Mom. Sorry it's taken me so long to get here today; but as you saw, it was a busy day for me... All the way around. I was UP before 4:00; but I started cleaning my phone, and checking messages. JD saw me on and messaged me; "Hey, what are Y0U doing up so early?" We ended up messaging until 8:00, when he had to open Mike's. Haha  He's REEAALLY laying the pressure on me... It's getting heavier. He wants me to come to HIS house now; get me on HIS turf for the NIGHT. I told him I've been ill; I'm not up to it. Plus I have Sully. He said HE thinks I'm scared. Haha  I said, well, YEAH. For me to be on HIS turf for the NIGHT... I want to keep things 'simple'; but HE wants what he WANTS. Haha  He says he "respects" me, would BE a gentleman and control himself. Yeah... He IS a gentleman and he DOES respect me; but I'm not so sure he'd stay totally in control. He'd at least try, persistently to get something going; and that would make me VERY uncomfortable. I'm not ready to even be TOUCHED by anyone else; never mind other intimate acts. WHEN I'm ready, I'll know it; but it's not NOW, and I doubt it will be soon. I need time for ME, and to heal. As a RULE, women aren't like men; we can't just hop out of ONE bed and into ANOTHER. That's what kills me about what both Chris AND JD have said when I said I have no interest in sex. They say something like, "what's wrong with 2 people giving each other a little pleasure?" OK; nothing, I guess... But who said it gave ME pleasure? Especially with the WRONG person? I'M not wired that way; SORRY... I don't 'get laid' because I broke up with my boyfriend, and I have a broken heart that needs mending. Yeah... Jumping RIGHT in bed with just ANY [wrong] old 'Joe' should do the TRICK. Haha Fix my problems RIGHT up.  I'm SO glad I'm smarter than that... But I need some help in putting them off in a delicate manner that they'll accept. I just need some time; that's all I'm asking. But I'm also not saying that I'm ever gonna choose either JD or Chris for anything other than a friend. Chris, I've outgrown; but I could never tell HIM that. That's just too insensitive; but it's the truth. JD... I don't know. I love the guy, just not like that. I can't see myself with him that way; he's not my 'Ultimate Love'. I DO wonder who IS though... There's more than one man though; I'll have to choose one. But there's more than one woman, too. I think he'll be leaving a relationship or will have just moved, or both; something. MEN and WOMEN ALL over the place. Haha  I don't know, Mom... I have SO MUCH to overcome; SO MUCH healing to do. I feel like it's forever away. I've spent MONTHS before trying to move on... I want to; I'm so scared.

IN honesty, what scares me the most, other than getting hurt again... Is never finding the 'qualities' it took me a lifetime to find in a mate. Amazingly enough, I found them in Ken; and we connected. Unfortunately, he had his other side, too; if SOMETHING could only have been done.... We'd still BE. I don't want to believe that I'm just 'one' in a string of women throughout his travels; that has been a wonderful 'convenience' for the last 3-½ years... Because there'd be some PRETTY HEFTY lies going on, and that would mean MY 'Radar' was WAY off. I mean... First impression was right; but I believed he loved me... Even though I KNEW he does this to women. Maybe he didn't MEAN to; but he ended UP loving me... And WHEN he's away from me, he's miserable. Yeah, me too; but I'm not the one that … I'M not the ONE. I don't do anything when we're TOGETHER; and I don't do anything when we're APART. I'M not the ONE... Yet I'M the one WORKING ON MYSELF. Haha  Imagine that. If he cared even ¼ of as much as I did... Yeah, I know; neither here nor there. So, I'LL just keep working on MYSELF.  Haha  Thanks, Mom... Haha

So, my nose being itchy... Between all the 'pressured' activity with JD, and what happened with Sully; I think I'm covered. Sully: I was in my office working and left Sully with Blayze. Blayze went to the bathroom and Sully disappeared. Blayze came to the office and asked if he came down to me. No... He ended up being IN the apartment, hiding; but STILL. I was shaking, heart pounding out of my chest and we had a search party going INSTANTLY. I didn't know whether to HUG him, or KILL him. Haha  So, itchy nose and anxiety issues SOLVED. Haha

Tomorrow's Father's Day. Gotta call Dad; maybe going to a cookout at a friends. Still feeling crappy, so I'm really hoping to stay in and rest. I just don't like to disappoint Sully. I guess we'll see...

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 16th June 2017

"Hi, Mom... Man, what a busy day this has been; and it's no where near over. Haha  Well... It's almost 3:00; but my day even started OFF feeling 'weird'. After my shower, while I was getting dressed and stuff; my nose started to get that irritating itch, my stomach got nauseous, and I got shaky. It basically imitated an anxiety attack; but it wasn't. It was my 'sign' that something is 'up' somewhere... Something is going to happen; expect SOMETHING, sometime. It's been on and off all day. It was SO bad this morning, I DID have to take one of my pills... So, whatever it is; PLEASE don't be 'bad'. I've already been through enough, am GOING through enough; and on top of it all, have been and am STILL ill. So, PLEASE, all that is Holy; go easy on me.

I'm just trying to be positive, stay positive, work on myself... I'd like to TRY to be the 'me' I USED to be; but only in ways. Other ways that I've changed are positive and for the better. I need to work on my 'inner' self; I want to see if I can somehow 'feel' like a normal person again. I don't know if it's possible; with all the damage and scars... But I want to try. Somehow, I want to feel 'whole' again; and a 'whole woman' again. IF, that's possible... But there's only ONE way to find out; to TRY. But in order to even TRY; I have to be 'healthy'... Emotionally. I already am, for the most part; because I've always BEEN on the right path. It's been the people IN my life that were 'wayward' and strayed; not me. But that's where it will BE hard to BE healthy; because whoever is IN my life has to follow the same path. It doesn't always go as I plan, does it; as my history has proven. I just PRAY that this 'Ultimate Love' coming into my life will be the 'healthy' love that I need and want; so that I can continue on the same path I've always WANTED to; and that I've, once again begun on my own... For self healing and preservation.  How I wish the prozac worked on Ken; but that's neither here nor there. I couldn't watch him be VIOLENTLY ill, multiple times per day; just to have US. Eventually, we STILL wouldn't have had 'US'... SOMETHING would have happened; one way or another. I just wish there were some sort of 'magic pill'... But again; neither here nor there. No such thing; and if there were, the Government wouldn't ALLOW it to be marketed. Haha   Anyway... Whatever the HECK is 'UP'; just let it be over and done with so I can get over this anxiety, Please? I'd greatly appreciate it...

OK... I think I'm gonna go upstairs; I'm BORED to death. Haha  I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 16th June 2017

"Morning, Mom. I know, It's early. Haha  I slept pretty well though; considering. Of course, it started out on the couch while TRYING to watch "John Wick" with Blayze. Haha  Yeah, unsuccessful... So, I came to bed. Then I woke up sometime before 4:00, and just couldn't go back to sleep; so I said to Hell with it, and made coffee. Haha  Then I came in here and did some cards... Interesting reading. I'll just say that they ended VERY unexpectedly and surprisingly well. I will be 'released from my emotional prison' because of 'an ULTIMATE love' coming into my life. THAT'S how it ENDED; last 6 cards. Me and ultimate love... So, I guess I'm gonna succeed at working some things out; getting that material was a positive step in the right direction. Of course, as usual... Cards are only a 'counseling session'; that's what YOU used to say, Mom. And that's how I look at it. Anything can happen in the BLINK of an eye... I can read one day, they say one thing; read the next day, and we're already moving on. The cards are TRULY AMAZING, when used 'purely'. But I have found them to be ACCURATE; since I have been involved with them at 15 years of age. I am NOW 50 years of age; that's 35 years experience with 'cards' that have TOLD me what WOULD happen... And it DID. It DOES. However... It is WE that hold the keys to OUR futures. If it's something we DON'T want to happen; again, the cards are for COUNSELING, and you are FOREWARNED. Do something to PREVENT it. But if it's something you WANT to happen... Well then, GET MOVING!!! Haha  The cards have seen me through a LOT; good AND bad. They’ve given me HOPE; they've given me dread and devastation. They show me things I DON'T ask or want to see... Like even about Ken. Haha  I don't ASK about him; I ASK about MYSELF. But he gets IN there. I know he's with Candy; at least in SOME fashion. It shows a female that's 'put work' into him; and LORD KNOWS that Candy has stalked him, EVEN THROUGH ME. Posted things about him, came to NH for him, MULTIPLE times; even as a STRANGER... SHE doesn't 'Love' him; she's 'obsessessed', and there's a difference. There's seriously something WRONG with that woman... It's QUITE apparent. Just look in her eyes; they're the 'mirrors to the soul'. The woman might be nice; but she's cracked. But if that's who and what he likes/loves and wants to be with; so be it. As long as he's happy. I want that for both of us. Anyway... I don't DO cards to read on Ken; but 'we're connected', so he gets IN there. I try to just skip over it. That's kinda why I find it funny he blocks me on Facebook, the MULTIPLE sites he denies that he even has. Haha  I 'see' him anyway; WITHOUT trying. And I KNOW he HAS them. That's where he's friends with people he knows I wouldn't 'approve' of; prostitutes, girls, etc. I bet Candy doesn't though; but I KNOW him. But anyway... All I want is happiness; I'm just tired of fighting for it. It shouldn't BE THIS hard to be happy. So, I hope; I HOPE the cards are... I kinda can't believe I'm gonna say this, but we ARE talking about ME here... I HOPE the cards are RIGHT about my being 'released from emotional prison' and finding love. I don't want or deserve to settle. I deserve happiness... Everyone deserves to know and feel their worth.  

On an UN-happy note though... As you know, I've been 'thinking'… ONLY thinking that I may have to submit to a medication because the pain is getting unbearable; and REALLY taking quality of life FROM me. I'm also thinking that possibly, the pain may be at such an unbearable height; that may be contributing to the other health issues I'm having as of late. The PAIN in my upper torso, ALL THE TIME... From my shoulders DOWN my ENTIRE ARM, into my fingers; both arms, but especially my right. Movement of my arms... Just SLIGHT movement, is like moving HEAVY WEIGHTS around; ALL DAY LONG. Never mind CONSTANT movement. People wonder why I'm SO exhausted all the time? People should be wondering why I'm not SCREAMING and CRYING all the time... Because there are times I could. But instead, I just put a smile on my face, and 'allow' people to THINK I'm this 'Happy-Go-Lucky' person, while I trudge through this miserable existence I call, ummm... Oh Yeah!!! My LIFE!!! Haha  Yeah, well... It is what it is; isn’t it? We can't change the past, so we need to live TODAY for the FUTURE. There are NO guarantees in life... I'm getting too OLD for this CRAP. Haha  I just want some happiness while I have some time left; I don't know how long that will be. No time SOON, that's for sure... But, I wanna LIVE while I can. So, COME OOOOONNNNN, 'ULTIMATE LOVE'!!! Divine Intervention, Mom??? [BIG, cutsie smiles inserted here] Haha  OK, OK... No pressure. I just remember you saying something about you could "do more good for [me] up there than you could down here"… But again; NO pressure. Haha  But, yeah, medication... I'll probably being talking to Nilsa about it; I need some 'quality of life'. I don't have any, really. But THIS is gonna be HARD, so... PLEASE help me find one good for ME. NO or LOW side effects; but will get RID of this HORRIBLE feeling in my body... So that I can have some 'quality of life'. It's time. I HATE it; but it's time. I've done SO much crying about this for SO long now... It's time to talk about it. I can't keep doing this. GOD and all that is Holy, please help me... :'(

OK...I'm gonna go take a shower, Mom, and get ready for work. I'll check in with you later. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 15th June 2017

"Hi, Mom. Boy, I'll tell ya; I'll be happy to feel like my normal old, broken down self again. Haha  This is completely exhausting; more so than usual. I have to give real Kudos to Nilsa and her staff though. They've been in constant contact with me since I left the hospital, to ensure that I'm OK; and they ALSO want to ensure that I REALLY DON'T need to come in again. Nilsa wanted me to, but I said this is very typical of me under the circumstances... Stress, weather. But if I'm not back to normal by Friday, she wants to see me; so I guess she's gonna see me. Haha  She wants to make sure that the hospital didn't miss anything. Again; KUDOS to Nilsa and her staff. In all honesty, I wasn't in great shape for my appointment last week; and she knew it THEN. So... I'm trying.  

I got, interestingly and ironically enough; a message from Candy today. I kinda didn't know what to think of that. Was that them, together, throwing in my face that they're together now; on a day, as special as his birthday...? Something cruel, that I'd never do; and I was NEVER cruel to her. OR... Has he 'distanced' himself, suddenly from her; like Ken tends to do... And now she's checking the FIRST place she thought to look...? Whatever the case, I haven't responded; I really don't need or want to get involved. I had already distanced myself from her when Ken and I were together; I told him that, BECAUSE I knew that she was still out for him. I feel that she is probably at least 'a' female in the cards that has ties to him; wants him and has put 'work' into him BECAUSE she wanted him. I also know they've at least been in contact. But you know what? NO one put more into Ken than I did; and NO one could love him more, or the way I did. But it's Ken that would need to know and accept that into his heart; Always, Forever and a Day... Like we used to say to each other.  

I've read things from other people TO Ken about Candy in the past; about how she loved him, and all she had planned. Well... Ya know WHAT??? WE ALREADY HAD PLANS TOGETHER, and were IN LOVE. Ken's problem ISN'T that he doesn't love me; it was that he needed to learn to FOCUS on his priorities. Remember what made HIM happy in life, too; where HIS 'Happy Place' was and WITH whom, and maintain it. He didn't do any of that; he lost focus... When you do that, everything in life gets 'blurry'; even the love that's RIGHT in front of you. We talked about SO many plans that we wanted to fulfill... If we could JUST have had the chance. But things HAD to be right between us; he had to be DOING his part... Not just relying ON me.  

We had SO many dreams... We fit together like a glove; and a chair. Haha  Yeah, we're opposites; he's a 'furnace' and I'm an 'icecicle'. And that's why we 'blended'. I can't help but wonder and imagine, WHAT we would've and could've become; without ALL the hurdles and hurt. I had SO MANY hopes, dreams, desires... He had some, too, I wanted to fulfill. I wanted to be everything to him, that I could be; fulfill his fantasies, be his 'dirty girl', his woman, someday his wife... But I needed to BE his ONE and ONLY. Maybe we didn’t have much... But together, Baby; WE had it ALL in the 'love' department. When we were genuinely good; we were untouchable... I thought we were, anyway.  

I figured out WHY so many songs fit Ken and I, and LITERALLY form 'The Ken & Wylene Medley'. Haha  It's because WE fit; so the SONGS fit. The 'nice' and mushy love songs fit us when WE'RE 'all good'. The sadder ones hit on us when we're having a tougher time. The really sucky ones fit us when we're broken up; but they still talk about the love and connection that we have... And how we REALLY don't want it lost or gone. Yup; 'The Medley'. I'm hearing them left and right, too. Today, I heard "Head Over Boots" AND "Strip It Down"; both this morning. OH! AND "Halo"… I actually haven't heard that in a while, but HEARD it later on in the morning. On Ken's birthday... So, I said out loud: "Happy Birthday" after I heard "Strip It Down". That one, to me, especially has a lot of meaning. So does "Head Over Boots". There was another one that caught my attention, too; I'm just having a hard time thinking of the... "We Don’t Have To Be Lonely". Hahaha  It was 'playing' in my head; I was trying to 'hear' the title. Haha  ANYWAY... THAT was another one that I heard. I heard a lot of them today, of all days. So, Happy Birthday, Ken; wherever you are... I hope you're happy, and with the people/person you want to be with.

OK, Mom; I guess that's it for tonight. It's been a long day. Tomorrow is Friday, and THAT'S a long day in itself. Hopefully, I'll stop getting the 'stupid' calls I've been getting. My phone rings enough... Haha I love and miss you EVERYDAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 15th June 2017

"Morning, Mom. Last night was an 'interesting' night's sleep... I coughed a lot, which was irritatingly necessary; yet I actually slept pretty well. Explain THAT one. Haha  I think it's because of the new med Nilsa gave me to take for anxiety; and I took one last night, then took my melatonin. So, I think that explains fairly decent sleep WHEN I slept, despite restlessness. I'll be glad when this bout with phlegm is over; it's annoying.  

Dreams... I have SO many different dreams as of late, when for so long, I really don't think I was dreaming; even really at all. I'm usually SO GOOD at figuring out what they mean... But lately, I just don't know. I DO think they're corresponding with what's going on in my life and with my thoughts; that IF I have ANYTHING in my life at ALL... I want it to be REAL, and I want to be able to TRUST IT. That's the basic 'Bottom Line' message I get from them. Yeah... I've been hurt; REALLY BAD. And it’s materializing in my dreams what I WANT, and what I NEED; what I've never HAD. Why I'm alone... Again. Because I expect to receive what I give; and CAN'T seem to GET it. WHY IS THAT??? WHY do I not 'deserve' the fruits of what I sew? My 'just rewards'? I don't lie; why am I lied TO? I don't cheat; why am I cheated ON? I don't emasculate men; why do they 'de-womanize' me? I don't EVER put them in competition with other men; why do THEY put ME in competition with other WOMEN? You're supposed to be each other's ONE and ONLY; each other's WORLD. NO OTHER could EVER break the bond between you... The bond of COMMITMENT. That's how it is when I'M with someone. My eyes don't wander; therefore, NEITHER will the rest of me. My priorities are STRAIGHT, my focus where it BELONGS; on my PARTNER and FAMILY. Well NOW, just my family... But, you get my point, Mom. I KNOW I'm not wrong about all of this; and after reading the material I've been reading, I'm VERIFIED and CONFIRMED. Not just as a person, but as a WOMAN and a MATE. I DO know the right things to do, and HAVE been DOING them; and have been TRYING to have them reciprocated... Unsuccessfully. Sadly, for me; especially this last time. I TRULY loved him and TRULY wanted it to work; but I can't BE just ONE in a list of females that he transports back and forth between. The ONE and ONLY... Or nothing at all. I'M WORTH THAT. I'm not like those that he usually goes with; and even he knows that. I'm WORTH settling DOWN to JUST ME; and if he CAN'T... Then it's that he's not worthy of ME; not the other way around. Because I was willing to spend the REST of MY life with JUST HIM and ALL of HIS faults and imperfections. If I could do THAT... What the HELL is SO wrong with ME??? I'd really like to know...

I'm not an idiot... The only idiotic thing I did was fall in love with the wrong men for me along the way; my version of love. I allowed the wrong men to 'choose me'; YOU said it right, Mom. I never chose the men I went out with; THEY chose ME. I reciprocated if I was interested at all. I guess I should've showed less interest, huh? Haha  Anyway... I'm not an idiot. I love Ken; but I also KNOW him. Is he going through and doing what I am right now because of our break up? And he LOVES me SO MUCH... Right? That's what he says anyway. But I guarantee he's hitting up women; flirting. I GUARANTEE he and Candy at least HAVE BEEN, if aren't still in contact; if there isn't MORE involved there. He's probably contemplated moving back with her; even talked with her about it. I just KNOW SO much... And yeah; it hurts. How would HE feel if the tables were turned and the shoes were on the other feet? What if I were 'the slut'? Well... In all honesty; MAYBE he would've been HAPPIER if I HAD been. He never would've trusted me, but maybe he would've LIKED me more; felt more comfortable around me. But WHAT IF I were the LIAR and CHEATER, and HE couldn't TRUST ANYTHING I said or did??? How would he feel...??? Like ME. THAT'S how. I hope it was all worth it... I guess that's all I can say at this point. Today is his birthday. I hope he has a nice day with the people he wants to be with.

Me? I'm just doing 'me' for right now. I have friends talking about setting me up with 'Nice guys'; if there IS such a thing. Haha  Hey... Lisa knows BUSINESS men; that own HOUSES and have MONEY. We talked about that. Haha  So, yeah... I'll get back out there; and in BETTER circles. Obviously, I had to put off calling about that job. I almost wonder if my getting ill was a 'sign' not to. Oddly enough, I haven't gotten the email again either. So maybe it wouldn't have been a good move. I was only gonna find OUT info; not JUMP on a PLANE. Haha  But anyway... I'll take it as a 'no go' sign.  

OK, Mom, I guess that’s it for now. I gotta get ready for work. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 14th June 2017

"Hi, Mom. Man, I'll tell ya... I know WHY I never wanted to be a housewife, or an 'at home Mom'; or anything of the sort. I WANTED things in my life that kept me busy and fed my mind. I can't STAND just being idle and not having anything to do. In all honesty, I always understood that when Ken and I were together; that was one of the reasons HE did a lot of the things HE did... Complete and utter boredom. Again, if he had just kept himself focused and busy on what he should've been doing FOR us; we'd still be together. But anyway; that's neither here nor there anymore... My point is, even I think of doing things that are basically 'out of character' for ME because I'm bored; like the chat & dating sites. But I THINK; I haven't DONE.  I've just been spending time resting as much as possible; thinking a LOT... And working when I need to. I think it's BEST to 'think' before you 'act'; a lot of the time. It can save a lot of regret.

I've been thinking a lot lately about 'loss'; how much of it, in general there has been in my life. I've HAD to 'accept' a LOT; swallow a LOT. Emotionally, physically; just all in all. I've endured and overcome an extreme amount; and continue to on a daily basis. The load that I carry with me; the scars that bind my heart like glue... If anyone had a clue, JUST HOW broken; I'm a 'Broken and Fallen Angel'… So lost; desperately seeking to find myself. But these latest 'blows' to my 'womanhood', and frankly, my ego have not helped. I have always been a VERY loving, affectionate; even 'sexual' person and woman. It just had to be with someone I was in love with. I've NEVER had any 'issues', and certainly never any complaints. Back in the day, I was ACTUALLY, quite the 'bomb shell' in bed... Chris certainly remembers 'intimate' details, and has NO problem 'reminiscing' about them. He'd LIKE to re-LIVE them. Haha  But it hurts me, all the abilities I've lost over the years due to my disabilities, and the lack of feeling in my body. It HAS affected me sexually; but so has all of the abuse over the years. I've realized in my recent 'self-searching', that I DID have all the desire to be and have a, so called 'normal' sex life with Ken. I even had the desire to be what I refer to as 'his dirty girl'; because I know that HE has certain little desires that, let's just say, 'need to be satisfied'. I even expressed those desires TO him; told him he didn't need to seek elsewhere. I even DID start 'experimenting' in bits and pieces with him, doing different things, even IN different PLACES; but I never got the opportunity to explore any of that with him, and he ended up 'exploring' elsewhere. That, in turn, 'damaged' ME even further; creating more emotional 'blocks' because of the senses of hurt, betrayal, lack of self esteem and security... So forth. Then, every time he verbally 'slapped' me with a name I didn't deserve; more blocks went up in my 'emotional city'. I want the OLD me back; the one that doesn't cringe at the thought of it again. I've got a couple of guys, TRYING to 'peak' my interest; but nope... I tell them I'm OUT of the game, at least for now. But as for sex; count me OUT. Haha  Hoping they'll just lose interest. Haha  Not going THERE ANYWAY... I don't know, Mom; as women, we go through SO much.  

Well... I guess it could've been worse. I could've gone the OTHER extreme. Started dating REALLY young guys, become a 'Cougar'; even let one move in with me. Haha  Yeah, NO THANK YOU!!! I may be a fool when it comes to someone I ACTUALLY love; but I'm NOT FOOLISH. Hahaha  At least I have a brain... I just wish it functioned a LITTLE less often, and a LITTLE less rapidly. Haha   I think too much...  

Sooooo, ANYWHO... The boredom is killing me; and even though I HAVE to rest, because movement is too much for me right now... And I'd LOVE to just clean or something; SOMETHING!!! And I can only write so much. Oh my Lord though; there are SO many times throughout the day, I WISH I had a way to just write. I should find a way to do 'dictaphone' or something... I have a LOT of thoughts that NEVER materialize because, of course, I forget by the time I'm here. But anyway... Chris is here right now, but he's at least asleep on the couch. I don't want to get tied up in all that. He showed up here this morning around 9 am, smelling of beer. I love and care... Want him safe. But he's still singing the same songs, with the same 'hand motions'; it just makes me uncomfortable. Oh, he's UP!!! Off for a ciggy-butt... Maybe the same thing will happen that happened last night; he left for a butt and didn't show back up again until this morning. Haha  I think he goes and drinks; then passes out. Whatever... As long as he's safe. So much for rehab. Hahaha  Oh... It was funny; yesterday, I wore my black dress because it was SO hot. It has no sleeves; just straps. When I was showing the room, one of the girls commented on my tats; said she liked them. Then she said, especially the crown; she's been looking for one like that. I had actually forgotten about it briefly... I just smiled and said thank you.

Again, tomorrow is Ken's birthday; I hope he has a good day. Should've been with me, but... It is what it is. Nothing I can do about anything; the past is the past, and I can't change anything. I can't wish him a happy birthday, personally... But I can in my own way, I guess.

Head Over Boots
Jon Pardi
I wanna sweep you off your feet tonight  
I wanna love you and hold you tight  
Spin you around on some old dance floor  
Act like we never met before for fun, 'cause
You're the one I want, you're the one I need  
Baby, if I was a king, ah, you would be my queen  
You're the rock in my roll  
You're good for my soul, it's true  
I'm head over boots for you
The way you sparkle like a diamond ring  
Maybe one day we can make it a thing  
Test time and grow old together  
Rock in our chairs and talk about the weather, yeah
So, bring it on in for that Angel kiss  
Put that feel good on my lips, 'cause
You're the one I want, you're the one I need  
Baby, if I was a king, ah, you would be my queen  
You're the rock in my roll  
You're good for my soul, it's true  
I'm head over boots for you
Yeah, I'm here to pick you up  
And I hope I don't let you down, no, 'cause
You're the one I want, you're the one I need  
Baby, if I was a king, ah, you would be my queen  
You're the rock in my roll  
You're good for my soul, it's true  
I'm head over boots for you
You're the one I want, you're the one I need  
Baby, if I was a king, ah, you would be my queen  
You're the rock in my roll  
You're good for my soul, it's true  
I'm head over boots for you
I wanna sweep you off your feet tonight  
I wanna love you and hold you tight  
Spin you around on some old dance floor

Strip It Down
Luke Bryan
Let it fade to black
Let me run my fingers down your back
Let's whisper, let's don't talk
Baby, leave my t-shirt in the hall
Like a needle finds a groove
Baby, we'll remember what to do
To drown out every distraction
It's time we made it happen
Strip it down, strip it down
Back to you and me like it used to be
When it was an old back road with an old school beat
Cowboy boots by your little bare feet
Let it out, tell me right now
Everything I need in them white cotton sheets
Dirty dance me slow in the summertime heat
Feel my belt turn loose from these old blue jeans
We both know that we lost it somehow
Let's get it found
Strip it down, down, down
I wanna drop this cell phone now
And let it shatter on the ground
They ain't holdin' nothin' these two hands
Until they're holding you again
Oh, strip it down, strip it down
Back to you and me like it used to be
When it was an old back road with an old school beat
Cowboy boots by your little bare feet
Let it out, tell me right now
Everything I need in them white cotton sheets
Dirty dance me slow in the summertime heat
Feel my belt turn loose from these old blue jeans
We both know that we lost it somehow
Let's get it found
Strip it down, down, down
Strip it down, down, down
I don't wanna let you go
No, not tonight
I just wanna love you so bad, baby
So let's close our eyes
And strip it down, strip it down
Back to you and me like it used to be
When it was an old back road with an old school beat
Cowboy boots by your little bare feet
Let it out, tell me right now
Everything I need in them white cotton sheets
Dirty dance me slow in the summertime heat
Feel my belt turn loose from these old blue jeans
We both know that we lost it somehow
Let's get it found
Strip it down, down, down
Strip it down, down, down
Strip it down, down, down
Strip it down, down, down
Two that actually meant something TO us... Even him. Happy Birthday. I hope he has a blessed day...

OK, Mom; I guess that's it for now. Chris is back and he keeps walking in and out; I guess I better see what he needs or wants. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 14th June 2017

"Morning, Mom. Well, I'm definitely a little better; I can feel a slight difference today, thank you God. I'm sure the 'cool off' has something to do with it. The heat and humidity have been unbearable... SO hard to breathe, but I know YOU know what I'm talking about. I've been MAINLY resting; thank God it's even been slow for rooms. People have called, but don't always show up. Even though I need to get another room rented and another one will be available today; if MY health isn't any good, well... I'm no good to do anything for anyone. I've gone down to do what I NEED to, then come back up and rest. I can answer the phone from here; go meet and show from HERE. Though, Chad... Haha  He is still 'pulling' his 'High and Mighty' acts; or at least trying to. His attitude has changed CONSIDERABLY; because I put a 'bug' in Tuesday's ear that he wouldn't HAVE job anymore and WOULD go back to paying rent VERY QUICKLY because neither Sarah nor I were "happy" with him and his attitude. All of a sudden, that ATTITUDE disappeared, and 'the King' fell off his self-made throne. But now, he feels he 'deserves' an air conditioner "for all [he's] done for her". Hahahaha  OK. Well, I'M the one that BROUGHT this place UP OUT of the gutter, and CONTINUES to do jobs ABOVE and BEYOND MY job... So, WHO 'DESERVES' the air conditioner IF someone were to GET one??? ALL Chad does is HIS JOB; NOTHING more. And THROUGHOUT the time he's lived here, he GOT 'special privileges' for ANY of the things he DID do that were NOT his job at the time. He got things that ANY other resident would NOT have gotten BECAUSE of what he did. So, I'd say it ALL worked out in the end. But anyway... I'M just not 'selfish' or 'self-centered', and even work the hardest; have the most on my plate. I just ALSO understand EVERYTHING involved.

Josh and Lisa came by last night; Tori is out of jail... Yeah, not good. So, you know what THIS means...? Josh is 'confused'. Why? Because, as he's denied to US all these years, he LOVES her; as he's said TO Tori, in FRONT of Lisa, and TO Lisa. Yeah.... I told Lisa I WAS afraid of this; I've been seeing something in the cards, and I was even wondering if it was Josh with Tori. Sometimes, it confuses me, because it's the same card that comes up for Ken's 'other woman'; and the card that comes up for Josh, is also one of the cards that comes up for Ken. But... What was also weird was that RIGHT next to me was a card that can also BE me OR 'another woman' in cases. She was right next to me... I believe this was Lisa, and she's hurting. It looks like Josh is gonna get ALL mixed up with Tori again; GREAT. Let's mess Sully up EVEN more... What came out of Sully's mouth when he heard that Tori was getting out of jail? Quote/Unquote: "Oh, well that's bad." Yes; YES, it IS. Blayze and I are NOT gonna keep going through HER HELL; and we will NOT allow Sully to be dragged through it. I should probably contact Jessica and let her know that Tori is out. I'll do that today...

I can't believe we're half way through June already... I gotta find Sully a summer program. I don't want him to have a boring summer. I wish I could remember the name of the one Ken mentioned; maybe I'll call Mom. I'd like to know how Dad is doing anyway. Sarah said that Shiloh has one... Haha  I know. I'll look into it because of the convenience only. I gotta get on it though... I've been SO ill; I just haven't been able to.

Tomorrow is Ken's birthday; 49 years old. I'd wish him a happy birthday, but he wasn't receptive to me when I needed to contact him about my program. It was as though I was 'bothering' him... He told me on multiple occasions that I could ALWAYS contact him; it didn't matter if we were together or not. I know that's the case with ME; but I've never felt the same about him. I've seen things he's said about me to other people while we were together; never mind broken up, and they weren't true. His 'hatred' for me must be pretty intense, to want to cause me the pain he does and has... I just wish I knew WHY he hated me so much; I never did anything, except be myself and be there FOR him. I THOUGHT we meant the world to each OTHER; but it is what it is... And I can accept it; regardless. I have to have faith in myself; believe in myself... Continue to be strong and persevere. I know that one way or another, he'll be OK. He's made it this far living the way he has.

OK, Mom; I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 12th June 2017

"Hi, Mom; I'm home now. Thank you for being there with me and comforting me; I felt you. ALL those tests, done multiple times... At least I DON'T have pneumonia, a blood clot and my heart is OK. It boiled down to the stress again; but the weather, pollen, humidity/temperature and pressure change ALSO added to it this time. They told me to REST and lessen my stress. Haha Yup, OK. I'm working on it... But I was REALLY BAD. I'm glad I went, but now I'm just gonna rest.

So, I love and miss you EVERYDAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3"

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 12th June 2017

"Hi, Mom. Well, as you see, I'm in the hospital. Despite all my attempts to avoid it... They're gonna do chest xrays and so forth. I'm already hooked up to IVs and heart monitors. Already had the EKG the MOMENT I got here; they didn't waste any time bringing me back here from when I JUST walked in. I guess I look that bad... PLEASE be here with me; my breathing has been SO labored and I just haven't been feeling well. I've been trying to take care of myself... PLEASE be here with me, Mom.

Love you..."

This tribute was added by Wylene Poliquin on 12th June 2017

"Morning, Mom. Sorry I wasn't able to get back to you yesterday or last night; but I ended up having to use yesterday to rest, rather than all that I had planned. I went down to the office and did all that I needed to do; but my chest and arms got VERY heavy and tight, and I could barely breathe. So, I came upstairs, took a Xanax and laid down to rest with some TV and mild activity. Then, of course, later in the evening… People showed up; Josh, Lisa and Sully. Brendon and Angel came over for a while; and JD came over. I haven't SEEN him in a while, so that was a pleasant surprise. By the time EVERYONE was gone, it was sleep time for me. JD wanted to stay over… Haha  But… It was SO hot and humid; HE'S used to AC, he couldn't have handled it. Haha  So, that got me off the hook without any excuses that would've hurt his feelings or anything of the sort. Honestly… I don't care about him STAYING; I just know how he FEELS about me and he'll hope for more. JD USED to be a 'comfort zone' guy for me; I guess he still is, because we're SUCH good friends and HAVE been though a lot together over the years. I'm 'comfortable' with him because I KNOW he accepts me the WAY I AM; for WHO I am… And he truly LOVES me; always has. He and I just don't have enough 'in common' to make it work, for ME, in a relationship; at least we DIDN'T. JD is DEFINITELY one of the men in my life that has NEVER lost his true feelings for me.

Talking about that… Josh flipped me out the other night with something he said to me. He actually thinks I should get back together with MICHAEL, of ALL people. He said, "Mom, YOU'RE Michael's Jess." I know what he means by that; I also know that Michael is still in love with me. He carries EVERYTHING from our relationship with him, everyday. We broke up 15 years ago… I told Josh that's NEVER gonna happen. I don't even feel about Michael that way anymore, and HAVEN'T for a VERY long time. Once I AM gone; I'm GONE… Forever. There's NO going back. I 'healed' from Michael, and THAT took YEARS to repair that damage. He 'de-womanized' me; THAT took time to put all the pieces back together that he TORE apart of my VERY soul. You don't go BACK to that. You COME back FROM that; which I did. And Michael… It took him about 2-1/2 YEARS to say to me, "Hon… It WASN'T you, it was ME. I'M the one with the problems." I KNEW that all along; but he HAD to DESTROY me as a PERSON and a WOMAN, FIRST??? So, you see… This is the story of MY life with men. I guess I SHOULD'VE been a lesbian. Hahaha  I would've been good for the 'male' role in the relationship; other than LOOKING so female. Haha  

I just want to work on ME right now. If I end up meeting someone worth dating to breakup the boredom; great. I've noticed there are things like 'chat rooms' and stuff that you don't even have to register. Funny how those just 'popped up' in the search engine… Perhaps they were 'searched' for? Because I DIDN'T type it IN… But anyway. I've thought about things like that, too; just to do to break up some of the boredom AND possibly 'meet' new people. I don't get OUT too much, soooo… Maybe a 'free' dating site or chat site; something to occupy me and some time. Get my mind off of other things… We'll see.

OK Mom, I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3"

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Wylene Poliquin


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