Hi, Mom. Morning... Just thought I'd write a quick note. Talked with Ken until WEE hours of the morning. Didn't get but a couple hours of sleep. Found out a lot though. Basically just confirmed that he IS just a liar though. He CAN'T answer ANY questions truthfully and he SWEARS that he DIDN'T cheat on me. However, he HAS had a facebook page; CLAIMS he deleted it when we got back together the last time and RE-established AFTER breaking up last Friday... But he has an awful lot of friends, number one... Two, he's "In a Relationship" as of JUNE 1, 2015. CLAIMS he kept it that way because we were STILL SEEING EACH OTHER. WHICH IS IT???!!! And we've been together a HELL of a lot longer than JUNE 1, 2015. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... NEW RELATIONSHIP. But he HASN'T cheated on me. SURE. STILL can't give me ANY straight answers about ANYTHING: how his phone got paid; story CHANGES. He originally told me landlord paid it. He was texting me AFTER I got paid on the 3rd, we were TALKING about it, etc... But it was paid on SATURDAY, MAY 30. Funny, HUH??? Then he's told me he WALKED to his friend Jay's house on Brown Ave. Now it's Mom drove him in the Jeep. I KNOW she didn't because SHE told me she didn't AND he told me he walked. He probably took Black Car; who he used to work for. SOMEHOW, he had MONEY probably and just continued to SPEND MINE. We went BACK and FORTH; him being adamant he didn't cheat... ME being adamant, he DID. ALL the signs are there. But after I went to bed, my mind wouldn't stop. I kept thinking about everything. So then I even started thinking about everything as if he DIDN'T cheat and what it meant; and I had to text him THAT. What I told him was this: "OK, I can't sleep because this is just ROLLING around in my head and won't stop. So I figure get it out. You are adamant that you didn't cheat on me and even said you wish you could take a lie detector. You also FINALLY admitted that you DID do wrong but didn't cheat. MY instincts AND cards, I'm sorry, never fail me. HOWEVER... IF you didn't cheat... But all the signs are there that you ARE being SNEAKY like you ARE cheating... The lies, money, phone, etc... Even Facebook. It ALL amounts to that YOU want the BENEFITS of a RELATIONSHIP, but the LIFE of a SINGLE Man. All while I'M living in a RELATIONSHIP. FAIR??? No. If the tables were turned, you wouldn't accept what you GIVE. You WANT what I GIVE. Just don't want to give it in return. In reality, in TRUE LOVE... It's not hard. I find what I do easy and I don't understand why others don't. Anyway... I had to get that off my chest and out of my head."  I got a response this morning of, "Did you get to sleep? Hope that you did." Sure he did... He hopes I didn't sleep at all; but I did... A few hours after I got that out.

Then I heard a song this morning called "DONE". SOOOOOOOOOOOO FITTING!!! LOL I posted it on Facebook. Lol Because it's how I feel. The words are PERFECT. His games, how he's treated me; ALL of it. And I'm DONE. He can have his new little trick. I'm sure she's NOTHING LIKE ME. The women he picks as a rule... TRASH. So good luck to HIM. You get what you deserve... And I'm sure HE will. Again... C'est Lavie. You make bad choices, you suffer the consequences.

OK, Mom... I love and miss you EVERY day. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day. <3

Hi, Mom... I remembered some stuff I forgot to tell you earlier. But I was CONSTANTLY getting interrupted. Lol Of course, that's just my LIFE around here. Lol Anyway... Ken actually had ANOTHER Facebook page; but he denied it, of course. It had ALL kinds of PHONY info on it; but SOME the same. He had his birthday as June 15, 1952 instead of 1968. Manchester was right... A profile pic of a DOG I'm not familiar with. He graduated from some college in Arizona or somewhere that's phony... A lot of the same friends though. STUPID!!! Lol And so is HE to think I'M stupid; because I'm NOT. I NEVER check up on him but when things are CONFRONTED and information is brought my WAY... Why not? It CONFIRMS ME. But I ALSO confirmed with our mutual friend that she does NOT KNOW 2 'Ken Reeds'. I'm DONE so called being PLAYED a FOOL; because I'm NOT. I'd say it ALL speaks for itself. As my Assistant says, "It's the 'Girl's Code'. WE JUST KNOW!!!" Men THINK they're SO smart and SUCH good liars, when IN FACT... They're NOT. Lie, lie, LIE!!! You get caught up in a web of lies, then you CAN'T keep UP. In MY opinion, between THAT and the repercussions... NOT WORTH IT!!! The TRUTH will SET YOU FREE!!!

Oh, another thing he told me was that HE was at Club Manchvegas the same time as me; he saw me there. He says he was with his friends Jay and Candy. PERFECT opportunity to INTRODUCE ME to PROVE his stories??? Yeah, but DIDN'T. I think he was with his new love... IF there AT ALL. ;-)

I'm SO glad I had YOU for a Mother, Mom and I turned out the way I did. I MAY have been a challenge... But wasn't it WORTH IT? Lol I have my faults and VERY annoying quirks and I OWN THEM. I'm an Aries, for the love of God... AND I've had a LIFE OF HELL. But I'm a SURVIVOR; like YOU. My Trooper Mom. <3

Him leaving... He's probably taking off with his new love. Good! I wish him well... I'm probably meeting someone new myself; through a friend. His name is Paul. He owns a house on the lake!!! My DREAM!!! He wants to meet me and I'm ALL for it. TIME to MOVE ON!!! ;-) I'll probably be going to his house for a cookout this weekend. LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!!! We'll meet first with my friend as an ice breaker. Should be nice. :-)

Well, that's it for now... If I think of anything else, you KNOW I'll be back. Lol

I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... BOY, have I been BUSY!!! Lol Sorry, I wanted to write sooner, but between everything going on and then being so tired... I'm taking time now. I finally got everything done for the PD, thank God. THAT was a task and a half. Lol But they were grateful. I really helped them out.

Anyway... I have something interesting to tell you. I got some verifying news today. Confirms me. I got a call from a friend; someone that knows me AND Ken... He wanted to know if Ken and I were still together; I told him no. He informed me that Ken has been calling and texting a KNOWN PROSTITUTE that actually used to live HERE, was associated with TORI, is pregnant and has a boyfriend, because he wants her services. Mom... Not only is she a recovering (as far as I know) heroine addict and prostitute... But she's NASTY and 'FUGLY'. I'm NOT saying that because of Ken... I'm saying that because it's the TRUTH. You can see her. You KNOW I'm capable of giving compliments where they are due. This one isn't DUE ANY. Anyway, CONFIRMED. I talked to Mom and told her, too. My 'Informant' thought it would upset me to hear it. I told him "No" and it didn't. I felt BETTER. It VERIFIED and CONFIRMED ME!!! As MUCH as I love him, the man I love prefers "trash" and to BE trash. So be it. You go shopping in a dumpster, expect to bring home garbage, right Mom? C'est Lavie... It's over. I'm moving on with my life, I'll start to date eventually... I shouldn't have any trouble with that; at least FINDING a man. Lol A GOOD one is the issue. Lol I'll do what he did and join a dating site for the fun of it; what the hell. It's at least amusing. Lol It will keep my mind off of HIM. I'll probably eventually get a few dates out of it, too. What the hell... Although, my LAST experience wasn't so keen. Lol Oh well, we'll see...

Well, I guess that's it for now, Mom. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day. <3

Hi, Mom... Wow, what a long day. But I got a lot accomplished. I found out today that the compound prescription that was originally prescribed for me would cost ME $600... Yeah, so THAT'S a no go. My doctor's office is looking into something else for me. It has to be something that my insurance will cover and I have to pay ONLY my copay. Hopefully they'll come up with something quickly. I need to get off my diclofenac. I didn't fill it and I only have a few pills left. Help me, Mom. Lol

So, as you know, I do the cards pretty regularly; I do them 'with you', so to speak. It not only confirms what I've so called suspected, but it also helps me 'figure things out'. I know Ken had to procure money to accomplish what he did because he had to get his phone on SOME how. However, what if that's ALL it meant? Because that card ALSO means that he had to accomplish several tasks to accomplish his goal... And that was to get to the female. It also says that he made a bad moral choice, was his own worst enemy and is feeling regret BECAUSE he lost me and I'M the one he truly loves. He should've thought of that PRIOR. We DID have a conversation THAT NIGHT and he HAS done this to me BEFORE and I FORGAVE HIM like I NEVER DO. NOW who's playing the fool? Not me. I'll go on with my life, being ME; honest, faithful and true to MYSELF first. All I can say is NEITHER the cards nor my instincts have failed me in the past. Therefore, I will CONTINUE to rely on them; and MYSELF.

So, anyway, Mom, I'm doing well. I will continue to persevere and conquer. Lol I AM your daughter, after all.

I love and miss you EVERY day, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; ALWAYS, FOREVER and a DAY. <3

Hi, Mom. It's after 10 but I feel pretty good and thought I'd write to you before changing and settling in for the night. I had a good, productive day. I got stuff done for myself; found a compound pharmacy, got my information over there and the pharmacy info to Elliot ... I should be able to have my pain cream within days. THAT will save me money... We went grocery shopping; got a good amount of food; got my prescriptions... It was a productive evening.

Ken contacted me today. Supposedly to tell me he wanted some specific things back. I think it was to see my reaction. When my reaction was that I was gathering his things together as I came across them and was going to drop them off, his response was simply, "Yup". Not the response he WANTED or expected... So, in a matter of minutes, he was basically attacking me. Next thing I knew, it was he would be here with the Manchester PD... With whom I'M on very good terms. Lol He's not allowed here; per Sarah. He busted a door. He has to pay for it. All I have to do is call them and TELL them that he's not allowed here PER Sarah and why. End of story. He started doing EXACTLY what the cards said he was going to do: LASH OUT at me. So I packed up EVERYTHING of his I could find and dropped it off over at Mom's and Dad's before we went shopping. I had Blayze run it in. Poquito came out to see me. Lol It was nice... So did Mom. We talked... She reassured me that WE'RE GOOD. I was happy to hear that; especially after the things that Ken always says to me after we split up. She told me NOT to listen to him. Surprise, surprise, he wasn't home. Supposedly at that Jay's house... Whatever. I KNOW I'm right and he cheated on me. The cards say REPEATEDLY to trust my instincts; and about THAT SPECIFICALLY. So, I DO. I told Mom about that, too. I told her about repeated things the cards have been right about; I TRUST THEM. "I AM WHO I AM; DON'T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN IT", I said. Lol But I ALSO told her how I talked to HIM about it that very night. I also found out that he LIED to me about how he paid for his phone. He TOLD me that he did work upstairs from the apartment for the landlord, Lou; and HE paid his phone bill. Well... MOM said that WASN'T TRUE. The people RENTING IT are gonna do ALL THE WORK for a reduction on a month's rent. So... WHERE did the MONEY come from??? Because he OBVIOUSLY HAD TO LIE!!!!!!!! I've had thoughts... That HE may be doing HIMSELF what he 'desires' and turns to, just to make money. I've thought it before because of a comment HE made... And I WOULDN'T put it past him. I told Mom tonight I'm done... I CAN'T trust him. She understands COMPLETELY. Any and all I ask of him is not too much... But it IS for Ken. C'est Lavie. I'm BETTER OFF.

I'm doing just fine, Mom. I know you see that. As I said before, you didn't raise a fool. I foolishly LOVE him... But I'll get over that in time.

I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; ALWAYS, FOREVER and a DAY... <3

Morning, Mom. You know, it's NICE to be able to just come in my office and write to you without being 'hunted down' immediately, and then him even having to LOOK at my screen to SEE what I'm doing to BELIEVE that me telling him, "I'm just typing to Mom" was true... Why? Would or could I POSSIBLY be doing to HIM what he WOULD do and DOES to ME??? Thing is... NO; because I believe in monogamy, faithfulness, trust and honesty... ESPECIALLY when you're in a RELATIONSHIP with someone. C'est Lavie... Being SINGLE is easier. I don't have to answer to anyone, my money is MINE (what LITTLE I have...) and I can spend it wherever and HOWEVER I see fit... Which is responsibly mainly; and I like it to STEEEEETCH throughout the WHOLE month when possible. With Ken in the picture, that's always hard to do. He always finds ways to spend my money. HE can never let money burn a hole in his pocket, so WHY should MINE sit in the BANK??? Because I WANT and NEED it to, THAT'S why... I was a Corporate Business Woman that used to make GOOD money that's NOW on Disability WORKING for her rent, living on a month to month check; this is NOT a way to live. I WORKED my way up, as a SINGLE/DIVORCED Mother that struggled; didn't eat to feed her kids... To a Mother that bought her own house and was living COMFORTABLY. Now... I struggle. I need to find a way to put some money away toward my future because I SPENT my retirement money trying to hold onto my house; BIG mistake. Hind sight is 20/20... Then I used my Disability settlement to help Josh get out of debt and he never paid me back. I was going to invest that money for my future; so much for THAT. I should've let HIM pay his OWN debts and kept 'my future' for myself... Again, hind sight is 20/20. But I did what Mothers do; I was there for my son when he needed me... And now I don't have anything for myself. Lol Oh well...

Irene and I had a GREAT TIME last night!!! We went to a place called Club Manchvegas. They had a GREAT band; I'd see them again. They had a female lead singer that ROCKED!!! She's in 'male rock voice' status... That says a lot, just so you know; especially for a female. Lol We REALLY enjoyed it. Then we went to Red Barn for breakfast; had a DELICIOUS breakfast. It was AWESOME!!! We're looking forward to spending the day together today and doing THAT again SOON!!!!

OK, Mom. I guess if I'm going to Irene's, I better get ready. I have to go to the store first. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; ALWAYS, FOREVER and a DAY. <3

Hi, Mom. Well, this week at work has been QUITE busy; slamming as I call it. Lol Even my slow days weren't slow. But it kept me busy. I'm feeling better, thank God. Not 100% but I'll never be 100% again... IMPROVEMENT though; I'm feeling more like my "not so great self" again... At least for the most part. Lol

Well, I was having a pretty good week and a half with Ken... And then I started getting my 'personal signs'. Itchy nose, sick to my stomach... I kept picking up on just LITTLE things he said or did that made me think he was interested in someone else or was possibly going to cheat again. I just KNOW he did regardless of ANYTHING he says. He was showered, shaved and ALL DRESSED UP when I got there... It would have been NICE if it were all for ME; but it wasn't. He had plans. I THINK he possibly earned money from working in the apartment upstairs from his parent's place and hired services for the night... AND day. So he jeopardized us COMPLETELY. He said, "GOOD NIGHT" to ME ABRUBTLY, then LEFT to go SATISFY his "MANLY NEEDS" because we're not living together and he CAN'T with ME. I've done the cards... It said it BEFORE HAND... And FOUR TIMES since. When I brought it up to him that VERY NIGHT, he REACTED. I figured "Forewarned is forearmed." Not with Ken when it comes to sex. This is IT for me... You DON'T CHEAT ON ME; and I forgave him ONCE... That's IT. Screw me once, shame on YOU. Screw me twice, shame on ME. And LORD KNOWS, he's DONE it MORE THAN TWICE. Stick me with a fork because I'M DONE. I've said it BEFORE, and I'll say it AGAIN... Being single is EASIER. I'll just DATE and have a BUFFET OF MEN. LOL EASIER. ;-D He likes his whores so much... He can HAVE THEM.

I'm going out tonight!!! THAT will be fun!!! I WAS gonna take Ken out last night but he screwed THAT up. Anyway. DONE with him. Even my horoscope says to prepare for a GREAT TIME!!! Lol I'm up for that. ;-) Then tomorrow, I'm going to Irene's. So, things are good. As usual, I don't let ANYTHING break my stride. You didn't raise a fool, Mom. I want to make you proud. You're only as good as what you surround yourself with; and as YOU said... If you go shopping in a dumpster, expect to bring home garbage. Lol Liar and cheater qualifies, I'm afraid.

OK, Mom. I have some stuff to TRY to accomplish that I've BEEN trying to accomplish for the Police; some videos. I love and miss you every day. Hugging you with my heart; Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... I know, it's been quite a while since I've been on here but you've seen what's been going on in my life down here. A LOT of mixed up chaos... Up, down; back and forth emotions. Messing with my head. I felt like my life fell apart for a while there. On top of it, I haven't been feeling well. I am SOOOOO your daughter. Lol I may be 48, but I'm too young to feel so old... I'm so sorry for the life you had, Mom. It was SO HARD. Mine is, too. If people could only walk a few feet in our shoes; in OUR BODIES... They'd RUN SCREAMING. Lol Your life was SO HARD... And so is mine. Exhausting just to get through the day; to function. Never mind all I have on my plate and that gets ADDED to my plate. Lol When I'm the busiest, have no money and gas... THAT'S when Josh has an emergency and we have to go RUNNING! Of course. Lol But we do and we manage... Somehow. Then I have PLANS and have to go running again. Lol Yup. Story never changes... Lol I love, live and breathe them; what can I say. Only time I wasn't there for them was when I COULDN'T be; and they were in California. There was no way I could just run to thier sides, no matter HOW I wanted to. But I was there in EVERY OTHER way. <3 <3

I never thought I'd see the day that I would have to sit down while getting dressed; or so often. It's SO HARD to have a mind that RACES the way mine does... So MANY thoughts, ALL THE TIME... And be in a body that won't cooperate. Where's the OLD ME??? That STRONG LIKE BULL Woman??? I could go without sleep for DAYS... Work HOURS on end... Lift HUNDREDS of pounds without flinching. Look at me now. I'm tiny, weak and frail. Lose my breath. NEED sleep and HAVE to rest or it affects my health. Blah, blah, BLAH!!! I don't want ANYTHING to do with it. But I don't HAVE a choice. And that TICKS ME OFF. My sons understand because they know ME. But MEN in my life... HA. No. They don't understand me AT ALL and never have. I WANT Ken to... I don't know if he ever will. They fall in love with me for reasons they end up resenting me for later. Go figure... It's TOO intimidating. But Ken and I have a very special connection; always have. I have a connection with him that I've never had with anyone; I really want this to work. As you know, we're not living together anymore; but I really think it's for the best as hard as it is. We... HE especially has a lot to work on... But we'll do it together; as long as he can treat me appropriately and remain FAITHFUL. THAT'S A BIG ONE. I need to feel secure that it's JUST US; SAME RULES APPLY even though we're not under the same roof. It makes it harder to have to see each other outside of the building; but I think, as long as he follows through with getting the help he needs... And doesn't act on prior behavior issues... We have hope.

Well, that's it for now, Mom. A lot has been going on. I've been working closely with Police about an accident that was caused by a couple people that lived here. They took off. Horrible, huh? 8 car pile up... I helped out a lot though so that made me feel good. I got them a lot of information they didn't have; videos included. Hopefully I was able to help. Anyway... I love and miss you EVERY DAY; hugging you with my heart... ALWAYS, FOREVER and a DAY. <3 <3 <3

Hi, Mom... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! I wish I could spend it WITH you, but I guess this will have to do. I can't believe you've been gone 4-1/2 years... So much has happened in that time. When you're a child, you basically just wish your life away, wanting to be an adult so you can have all the, so called, 'privileges' of such. I told MY kids, just as YOU told ME... "Be careful what you wish for. ENJOY your childhood while you CAN. Once you're an adult; the actual responsibility of life BEGINS." Just as I thought I knew it all as a kid; so did mine... Lol I suppose ALL kids do; until that ACTUAL reality hits. You start paying room and board at home until you move out on your own. Well, THAT wasn't so bad; at least I didn't think so. Lol MY son thought it was HORRIBLE so he MOVED OUT!!! He's 27 now and has a COMPLETELY different opinion now after almost 10 years on his own and now has a son of his own to support. I've noticed differences in Josh... Especially lately; since he had to move out of the building I manage and we all live in now. It wasn't his fault; Social Security screwed up his payment. I have to treat MY family the same as any other Residents. I hated it, but that 'negative' situation caused somewhat of a positive outcome. He appreciates more what he HAD here, as well as ME. I'm getting TIGHT hugs and he's verbalizing more his appreciation of me and things I've done as his Mother. It's about time. As much as I love him, he's always taken me for granted and put me down more than anything; he's been more like 'a man in my life'. Sully talks about me, even when I'm not around; which of course, tickles me. Lol When I show up, he smiles and yells, "Meme'!!!" Comes and grabs me for a hug and kiss, then tells me to "sit"; grabs a chair and sits next to me. Lol It's ADORABLE!!! He's potty training, thank God... Talking more... I've got to get them back to Manchester to get Sully into a program with other kids and both of them back closer to US. I feel like Sully's growing up without me. I get SO busy around here between the work I have to do for the business and what needs to be done for the family... But I'm so called 'Retired' or on 'Disability'... Lol Right. I thank God every day I am who and what I am and that I had YOU for a Mother... Otherwise, I don't know how I'd make it through. People have NO CLUE what I deal with on a daily basis; what I carry with me, physically and emotionally. I'm 48 years old and don't know what it feels like NOT to be in pain 24/7 since I was 14 years old; that's 34 YEARS of my life. YOU know because YOU lived it, too; the multiple medical conditions. I called you "a walking medical record". I'm pretty much a carbon copy of you with SOME differences. People don't realize that BECAUSE I 'carry myself well' and DON'T complain. It bothers me when someone 'close' to me makes a comment or doesn't believe that I am as bad off as I am. We went to see Mom and Dad last night to give Mom a Mother's Day card... I don't even know HOW it came up; talk started about conditions. Dad said a few things, I said a few things... Dad commented, "Boy, you've got EVERYTHING, don't you?" Ummmm... No. But what I DO have, I HAVE... And it's serious... And seriously HURTS; ALL THE TIME. Advanced Fibromyalgia (before they had a name for it), Chronic Fatigue, Osteo and Rheumatoid Arthritis (Full Body), Degenerative Spinal Disease (I broke my back in 3 places when I was 14; now have extra bone growth and surgeons WON'T TOUCH ME)... That's just the start of my medical chart; the list goes on. I was told at 15 years old I'd BE in a wheel chair by the time I was 40. Screw THAT!!! I worked out my ENTIRE LIFE and now I'm 48, am STILL walking and flexible and my doctor's say that my muscle mass and flexibility is "amazing" for my advanced state of conditions. I MASK them WELL. I don't want people knowing from the get go that I'm disabled... If I need help, that's one thing; otherwise, it's on a need to know basis. I still have a brain and like to use it... My BODY may not function the same; even my BRAIN may not at times, I have my 'moments' Lol... But I'm still intelligent and capable. I guess I just wish people could step into my body for just a LITTLE while to experience what I do on a daily basis. They'd RUN, SCREAMING!!! LOL 

OK, well I guess I've written enough for today. As always, I wish you were here for me to spend it WITH you. I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, forever and a day. Happy Mother's Day... <3

Hi, Mom... I went by your Grave site with Ken yesterday when I went down to Plaistow again for another wasted trip. Lol At least I got to see Lenka and Kim at Danny's shop and then... Like I said... Ken and I went to your Grave site. THAT, in itself made the trip WORTH it. I cleaned it up a bit and took some pictures, but the REASON for the pictures was for the amazing things we saw. I stood back a bit from your stone and looked around and I couldn't help but notice that YOUR Grave site was the ONLY one GROWING flowers. Not just ANY flowers either; they were the kind that I used to pick for you as a child and so did my boys for you AND me. There were white ones and ONE purple one. Are you growing those on purpose? Lol But THEN... It got even FREAKIER...!!! Ken pointed out that DIRECTLY ACROSS from YOUR Stone was a Grave stone that said "Reed". LOLOLOL To ADD to the "Freaky"... His Date of Death was a year and 2 days later than yours: 1/25/2012. ALSO... There were a FEW of the SAME flowers on THAT grave... JUST a few; to include ONE purple. Just wow... I've downloaded the pictures from my phone onto the computer, so I'll add them here, hopefully later today.

Ken and I also got things worked out. Being so close but untouchable for a few days; giving him time to think, I think helped. It REALLY made him realize how much he loves me. Don't ask for what you DON'T really want, because you JUST might GET IT. ;-) I'm an adult; I RAISED my kids and I don't want to raise a 46 going on 47 year old child. This is MY time to enjoy MY life; with my MATE. If I wanted a Roller Coaster ride, I'd go to Canobie Lake. But we're back on track... For now anyway. Lol I hope it lasts. I hope he LEARNED a HARD enough lesson THIS time. I flat out asked him, since we ARE so PERFECT together MOST of the time... "Why do you want to MAKE me something I'm NOT?" He actually answered, "I don't know." Progress. ;-)

Love and miss you EVERY day, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... I SO wish you were here... I need My Mother, My friend. I love Ken SO much, but I can't take living on a roller coaster. He's gonna be my PERFECT man for 3 weeks out of the month; but for the LAST week...

Last night, I said I stayed single so long because it was easier. It's times like THESE that remind me of WHY.

Love and miss you every day, Mom. Hugging you with my heart, Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... I know it's been a bit since I've written. I actually wanted to write several times but for one reason or another, got torn away. I like to write to you when things are going GOOD, TOO; not just when something's gone awry... Things have been going SO GREAT with me and Ken lately; then ALL OF A SUDDEN, today he becomes that MOODY guy I can't stand... The one I call "Him". I swear, Mom; it happens EVERY month at this time, like PMS. Lol... He talked to his counselor like I asked him to about a possible chemical imbalance; she thinks MPD [Multiple Personality Disorder]. I thought you WEREN'T aware when you 'changed' personalities...??? I have to do some more research on that. But I'M a health risk and take care of EVERYBODY... Why is it so hard for the man that supposedly loves me to ALLOW for SOME time to be, in HIS words, "All about [me]"? When you love someone, you don't MIND caring for them... Right? I've cared for PLENTY of people I don't even KNOW, so WHAT'S the problem with him doing a LITTLE for ME? 

THIS is WHY I stayed single so long, Mom. Yeah, it gets lonely... But it's EASIER.

Love and miss you EVERY day, Mom... Hugging you with my heart. <3

Hi, Mom... I know; it's late. Or early, however you want to look at it, but I can't sleep because of all the noise Ken keeps making. Talking, giggling... Just annoying noises. He used to talk ONCE in a while in his sleep; especially back when he was cheating on me. When we got back together, he wasn't doing it; then it started back up again. Now, I SWEAR he's doing it on purpose and the last few nights it's just NON-STOP NOISE and movement and I just CAN'T get sleep because of it. But for a couple of nights in a row, he actually came to my office to practically "order" me to come to the room. What's up with THAT?!?! I actually got my first "I'm sorry" from him though, because of the way he's been treating me since Sunday. I had let him know previously though that THAT'S something HE doesn't do: APOLOGIZE. At least when I make a mistake, I OWN it and apologize. He has a hard time being wrong, accepting responsibility for it and especially apologizing; he just likes to pick up where he left off. With the way I've been treated on multiple occasions, I deserve apologies.

I get so tired of having to defend myself, Mom; about everything. Who I am, what I am, what I've been through... WHY should I HAVE to??? I don't ask anything of anybody that's out of the ordinary or that I DON'T GIVE of MYSELF. Frankly... I RARELY ASK anything of anybody; I mainly just DO things for myself unless it's something I no longer CAN do for myself.

Well, now he's awake and mad at ME for BEING awake... Gotta go. Love and miss you every day... Hugging you with my heart, Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... Well, it JUST happened to me again. I wrote an ENTIRE PAGE to you and it got DELETED by the computer. So needless to say, I'm just SLIGHTLY ticked off. I shared and expressed an awful lot to you that I really needed to and it's just GONE. Frankly, I could cry; this has happened WAY too many times to me. It's late and I need to go to bed, so I'll write more tomorrow... I hope. I also hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Love and miss you, Mom, EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Morning, Mom... Today is such a beautiful day. The days are definitely getting nicer weather-wise; spring is upon us. Hopefully soon, I can get down to your grave site and clean it up some. I know Lenka takes good care of it and is right there, but the boys and I haven't been able to go down for quite some time and want to... It's hard living even just 45 minutes away when on a limited income. Also, I'm SO BUSY all the time with the business; and if it's not the business, it's SOMETHING... I just don't ever seem to get a break. Life changes moment to moment, Mom, but MY life doesn't seem to change all that much in scenario. Lol SOMEONE always needs me for SOMETHING, so I never have a moment for myself or to breathe. I should have been Triplets, Mom; AT LEAST!!! Lol I know that would've been harder on YOU, in multiple ways; me, having been your most difficult child... Imagine that. It all worked out though, huh Mom? You always said, I "marched to the beat of [my] own drum" and you were VERY right; but I definitely had and have the right rhythms... Thanks to you. You NEVER gave up on me; our lives were SO HARD... My Trooper Mom. All in all, we taught each other well.

I remember when you came to ME for advice, even as a teen. You asked me how I got so smart so young. I, to this day have a motto of 'Watch, listen and learn'; and that's what I DID, even as a child. I'm an Aries, so I'm an observer of people and detail oriented. I always loved it when you'd come home and tell me what happened... Then you'd say, "...And it WORKED!!! You were RIGHT!" Lol You started teaching ME things that were important from the get go; and I, in return, taught YOU things, and took care of you... My Mother, My Hero, My Best Friend. It was ALWAYS you and me against the world... Then it was you, me and my boys against the world. You've been gone almost 4-1/2 years now... And I STILL cry. I STILL feel loss. I STILL wish I could just pick up the phone and hear your voice... No direct phone lines to Heaven... To my Angel in the Sky. <3

I'm 48 years old now, and something I don't think I'll EVER understand is complete ignorance. You want respect, you give respect. You want love, you give love. You want courtesy, you give courtesy... Etc. Basically, and you DON'T have to be RELIGIOUS to live by these words: DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU. Bottom line: GIVE WHAT YOU EXPECT AND WANT TO GET IN RETURN. The world would be a LOT better place if EVERYONE would think the same way. Things even as simple as cleaning up after yourself around the house, using your directional while driving, letting someone turn in front of you, holding a door open. ALL simple things, right? So WHY are they so difficult??? A dilemma I seem to be having, other than people cleaning up after themselves around the house... LOL Why can't Ken seem to realize that I BUST MY BUTT ALL WEEK LONG around here?!?! I'm DISABLED and have FULL BODY PAIN that I can NOT escape. I do NOT know what it feels like to NOT have pain and have NOT known for the last 34 YEARS of my life. My DEGENERATIVE conditions WORSEN over time... When I was in my 20's, I was told I had the medical chart of a 90 year old woman; THAT didn't make me feel good, but I kept on truckin' like I am NOW. I was FORCED to leave the so called 'working world' and I now work for my rent. I run/Manage a HUGE Boarding House/Apartment Building and do a GREAT job at that; my boss loves me and doesn't want to lose me. Blayze and Ken both work with/for me. Blayze looks nice every day for work; Ken doesn't. He could care less how he looks which BOTHERS me. I have to introduce him as my boyfriend to people, so wouldn't it be nice if he would shower and dress, if not every day, at least every OTHER day? DRESS every day, but at least shower every other day? He chose today, Sunday, our ONE DAY OFF to shower and dress UP in a dress shirt and TIE; with a tiepin and everything, because he said he wanted to look nice for me. You know what though? Look NICE for me ALL WORK WEEK when I have to introduce you to people!!! THAT'S what's important to me; not on our day OFF when I can actually NOT CARE what I look like for ONE DAY A WEEK. Because he saw that I really wasn't thrilled about it, even though I said he did look nice, he went in and changed into jeans and a T-shirt, which was APPROPRIATE; even the way I'd like for him to dress for WORK during the week. I don't expect him to dress UP for work; just look decent and presentable. To make my point while talking to him, I messed up my hair and smudged my yesterday's eye makeup and said, "Do YOU want ME to look like THIS all the time and you can introduce me as your girlfriend?" He wouldn't even look at me... Of course not; because I'm RIGHT. So, we WERE in for a nice day together and things WERE going great... But I guess I'm just supposed to accept a 'Bass-Ackwards' Boyfriend with poor hygiene; at least that's what HE says [not in those words] or we don't belong together. Seems to me that HE expects ME to change certain things about MYSELF, but I'M supposed to accept HIM the WAY HE IS. Well... I've had a life LOADED with multiple levels of abuse, yet I STILL seem to have my head on pretty straight considering. He's been through some horrible ordeals and I don't take them away from him; I support him and try to HELP him. Suggested counseling a while back and now he's actually GOING. I, on the other hand, apparently don't NEED anyone to talk to because I have my son Blayze. Well, he's only 22, and even though he's smart... Literally a Genius... And he does listen to me now and then, he's not a counselor. Even though I, myself in many ways could BE a counselor... I still need someone to talk to now and then; that's why I like to write because I HAVE NO ONE... And don't have much opportunity to write. YOU were always the one, Mom... The one that I could sit with, talk to and you understood. We gave each other good advice. I felt GOOD most of the time after talking with you. I just miss you SO MUCH... :'(

Well... I guess I'll end for now. I need to do an online application for Josh. I'll be back as soon as I can but meanwhile, you know I'll be talking to you, right out loud. Lol Love and miss you, Mom, EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... It's been a bit since I've had time to write you; I'm so sorry. Things have been so busy; but at least I can say they've been better. Ken and I have been doing MUCH better since I last wrote you. When we went out with Marj on April 3, he wasn't treating me very well, even while out. Normally, he'd be ALL over me, showing EVERYONE that I was HIS woman. That night, he was too busy checking out OTHER women, and I saw it. Meanwhile, there were men STALKING OUR table, winking and smiling at ME; flicking their cigarette ashes in the ash tray on OUR table that sat RIGHT in front of Ken... But HE didn't even notice. Lol WHY??? Because HE was too busy checking out other women. So I kept moving my chair AWAY from him to ALLOW him to 'look single'. I didn't see any women show HIM any attention as good looking as he is and he THINKS he is... And yes, he is. BUT!!! He's MY man and SHOULDN'T have been 'oogling' other women; he should have been TOTALLY there with ME just like I always am with him or ANY man I've ever been with. So I let him in on that a couple days later when we were actually talking and he was acting more like himself. I told him FLAT OUT that I happen to be a woman that MOST men want but CAN'T have; HE already has me but was TOO busy IGNORING me to 'oogle' over other women to even NOTICE the CROWD of men around our table winking and smiling... And I added that they certainly WEREN'T there for HIM. Had I acted that way toward other MEN, he would NOT have liked it WHATSOEVER, and probably would have left me. Things have been MUCH different since; more like they SHOULD be.

I do know, however, that he lied to me about him and Sandy meeting back up on Facebook; they met up on a dating site called OKCupid. So he was on a dating site... Why the lie? Was he on it WHILE we were together? Believe me... I intend to find out. I would hope he would JUST learn to STOP the lies. I NEED to be able to trust him... The more lies, the less trust I'll be capable of. Trust in MY life is an issue as it is.

Mom... Being your daughter in SO MANY ways is SUCH a blessing. You WERE and still ARE the most phenomenal Mother that ever was. But at the same time... My life is SO DIFFICULT. You raised me to do the BEST at everything that I can do; so I do that, and my entire life, everybody's accused me of "thinking [I'm] perfect". I'm SO far from... I've made so MANY mistakes throughout my lifetime, I couldn't BEGIN to count; I'm HUMAN. I just STRIVE for perfection, or as close to it as I can get at WHATEVER I'm doing; I'm a 'Perfectionist'. I set goals and standards; and the way I look at it is this: If I can reach them, WHY should I lower my standards to please anyone else??? Perhaps THEY should RAISE THEIRS and do better...? The only reason people try to drag YOU down, is because they feel you are ABOVE them. You know, I went through it in my jobs, my personal life... I don't have to deal with it in my job anymore, thank God; Sarah lets me run this place. I've proven myself to her and she's told me as well as shown me her appreciation; I'm SO grateful for what I have going on here. I wish Josh and Sully were still here and I know that Josh does, too now. He realizes what he's lost... He made me feel good recently. He hugged me and told me how much he missed me... He said right out he realizes what he had here; being able to just "come down to Mom's". Sully is talking more, calling me "Meme'" and definitely showing interest in learning. I miss them SO MUCH... I can't wait for them to move back to Manchester.

Well... I COULD write more but I guess I've written enough for now. I love and miss you SO much, Mom... EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hey, Mom... Love and miss you EVERY day... Lately more than usual. I could really use my Best Friend. Since you've been gone, I have no one to talk to. I don't know WHAT to do about my life... Either way, I feel I'm on 'Auto Pilot' and the Armor's on. The SAD thing is, I don't know if Ken did this all deliberately or what...? I used to feel SO loved and adored... Now I feel like a convenience and he's just biding his time. What happened??? He CLAIMS to love me... The thing is, and he knows it... I am a woman that most men want but can't have. HE has me and mistreats me... WHY??? How stupid can you be...?

Anyway... I'll talk more later because he's back. Love and miss you every day. Hugging you with my heart; Always, forever and a day. <3

Morning, Mom... It's FINALLY Sunday... LOOOOOONG week and You and the Lord know, the last few days have been HELL. Ken was a complete monster; but I got SOME of it on video. I know he didn't like that, but TOO BAD. Reality hurt? He tries blaming the bull ALL on me, well... It's NOT ME. Yeah, I'm 'broken' and I have 'issues', but AS A RULE, they need to be PROVOKED... And they HAVE BEEN. I have my MOMENTS that are ALL ME; and I OWN THEM. I take FULL responsibility for them. But when a STORE receipt says that you checked out at 7:18 PM and you didn't get home until and HOUR LATER... WHAT were you DOING and WITH WHO??? You can keep SAYING you were at Hannaford's; but WITH WHO and doing WHAT??? It's ALL in the wording. I get stories about the battery cable, that doesn't EVER seem to happen when Blayze is out with him; and THAT story only came up ONCE. The OTHER story was he spent the time in the car looking for $.04 and couldn't find it. But THEN the story was different AGAIN and some lady from another register gave him a quarter... Bottom line: He left here JUST AFTER 7:00 PM, the register tape SAID check out 7:18 PM and HE didn't get home until about 8:15 PM. WHAT was he DOING for AN HOUR??? Whatever...

Bottom line again: My Armor is BACK ON. I took it off for HIM a year ago; BIG MISTAKE. I allowed myself to TRULY love him; I should've known better... But he was there for me like no MAN ever was; so I gave it a shot. I'm still trying because I DO love him... But I'm scared. I'm finding affection difficult.

I just got back from doing a lock out with Blayze... Ken came back from taking Michael, his brother to the clinic. Back to "Mr. Attitude" because he wants to leave for a 10:00 am appointment tomorrow at 8:30 am and I think that's ridiculous for a 1/2 hour ride... But OF COURSE, he doesn't want to hear MY reasons; he ONLY wants to give me HIS. C'est Lavie. Take your reasons and SHOVE them in the NEW hole in your butt that I'VE been taking care of... I don't care anymore. He stormed out like he USUALLY does, telling me to "go 'F' [myself]". When he came back, he said he'd take the bus. Fine with ME!!! Have a NICE trip. Hope your butt enjoys the ride. He won't take the bus... And if he thinks he's threatening ME, he's got another thing coming. "Oh, PLEASE, use MY car." Lol Yeah, RIGHT. I can BE foolish, but in reality, I'm NO FOOL. Apparently, that's the problem; I'm NOT stupid. I MAY have my issues due to BEING 'broken', having PTSD, an Abuse Survivor, having OCD, etc... But as a rule, I do ok. I've done a LOT of work over the years; and WHEN I 'lapse' or have a 'moment', I OWN it. But bottom line: I'M SMART.

Do I WISH things were going like they were when we got back together? Yes; I was REALLY enjoying it. I was enjoying the feeling of being in love; BEING loved and adored... But it's SO typical of MY life. The other shoe ALWAYS drops. Anything GOOD or that makes me HAPPY... It will be taken away; eventually. It IS what it is...

Well, I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart. Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... Sorry I didn't get to write more yesterday or last night. For a Thursday, it was a really busy day. Of course, I can never tell from one moment to the next what it's going to be like. Dad's having surgery today and Ken's acting up; being so COMPLETELY self destructive... Like I need ANY of this crap. I struggle, DAY TO DAY, just to function... NO ONE gets that; YOU did because YOU were a 'walking medical case' yourself. Ken's in pain because of the cyst he had removed from his tailbone area. I get that. I feel full of cement every day; some worse than others and on top of it my pain levels are just... Let's just say, I totally understand the days you said to me, "If I had a saw, I'd cut it off." The pain, numbness AND tingling combined... BEYOND annoying, aggravating AND exhausting. Then on TOP of taking care of myself and just trying to function every day... I WORK and MANAGE a Boarding House/Apartment Building and everybody in it, a Family (what's left of it), I TRY to work at my relationship but seem to be failing... I take care of everyone and everything, all the time... Him too.

It's close time for his Income Tax Return to come in. Perhaps THAT'S the motive this time? I don't know... HE keeps laying the blame on ME because THAT'S just too convenient... It couldn't be that HE'S acting out again. I'm not making up that things only happen when he goes out ALONE... Or that all of a sudden, it's not so DESPERATE that he leave EARLY because BLAYZE is going with him; his so called "Babysitter". He's the one that instituted it.

I can't do this anymore... He hurts me too much. He's doing what he did before: Acting OUT, calling ME names and blaming ME for what's wrong. Even saying that Mom blames me... OK; yesterday, SHE told ME that this is what HE does... He gets a good woman then screws it up by finding another one. GREAT!!! HE told me he's NEVER cheated on anyone. So WHO'S telling the TRUTH????!!!!

I THINK I tend to believe Mom...

Anyway... I really wish you were here, Mom. Please watch over Dad. Love and miss you. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... Things have been so hard lately. Ken's been acting 'funny' lately; 'old habits and actions' seem to have resurfaced or something. All I know is I'm not the only one that sees it, so I KNOW it's NOT because "I'm broken" or have PTSD or "Issues"... They're acts of guilt. I also saw what I saw in the cards; they don't lie either. Ken told me he's never cheated on anyone before... EVER. That was a lie. Mom told me today that HE'S the one that cheated on his wife, Michelle; not the other way around, as he told me. She said they even MET the girl, which is WHY she was hesitant in meeting ME and it took her a while to warm up to me. I saw that and figured it would take time; it did and they love me. She told me that she wondered when Ken would realize that I'm "his light". I found that ironic since that's the name of our song; "My Light" by Sully Erna. He just played me that song "Halo" by Beyoncé which DID mean a lot to me... Now, I'm not so sure.

Anyway, he's home now so I'd best go. I'll write more later. Love and miss you, Mom; EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart. Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... It's early afternoon and I'm sitting here listening to Blayze play his guitar. Ken is off running errands, so I figured... What a GOOD time to write to Mom. I so rarely have time to MYSELF. Lol I'm trying to see to it that I DO though. I'm starting to 'Lay down the law' here at my building; that I'M entitled to a life, too... That just because I'm an 'Onsite Manager', doesn't mean I have a revolving door; I have what's called "Business Hours" and they're not only POSTED, but I specified them in a MEMO to ALL the Residents. I've turned this place around... Completely... In less than a year; my year is in May. Things were different around here within the first month and progressed from there. People ask to get on a waiting list... Will WAIT for availability. I've had people I've Ejected call me, even a day or two later to ask if there is ANY way they can get back in. The answer is always "no", but it's nice that they actually want to. This IS a nice place to live... NOW; and I made it that way by not accepting any less from the Residents than RESPECT... For myself and each other. I end my memos with things like, "I thank you for your efforts in making this a pleasant living environment." I feel that if I acknowledge their efforts, they'll continue. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT. I'm the 'Mother' of this building and they are my 'Children'. Lol I JOKE and call this "Edmond Terror"; but I ALSO call it "My Serenity Place" and say that "NO ONE better mess with My Serenity Place." Lol This is my Home, and the Residents are my extended family; bottom line.
But this is only part of what I was talking about last night, Mom. I can talk to you like this; so openly about what I do WELL and you understand me and don't JUDGE me and KNOW that I DON'T think "I'm PERFECT." I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO far from perfect... I could write a book on my mistakes. It's just that I've learned so much in my life and for whatever reason... Most of what I attempt to do, I do it well. But think about it; I'm the child that was born while YOU were sleeping, for starters. Then I started walking at 4 MONTHS old; which by the way I'm SO glad you wrote to me in a letter, so I have in writing. You TELLING me the story my entire life and HAVING it in WRITING are two different things; believe me. So HIGHLY unbelievable... Anyway... My point is this: I've obviously ALWAYS been 'advanced' from the get go; and You, Mom... YOU told me as a VERY young child that I was "One of God's Earth Angels and would have a VERY hard life." You were VERY right, because I HAVE had a VERY HARD life, and NOT all to fault of my own. A LOT of things that I have been through and experienced were INFLICTED; NOT CHOICE. But I am a SURVIVOR; not a VICTIM. You, My Trooper Mom were the same... Expect the unexpected. Lol I love you SO MUCH, Mom; and SO wish you were here... At least wish I could hear your voice. But it's OK. We're SO connected, we communicate still in our OWN way.

Ok, Mom, I'm gonna go for now. As you know, I love and miss you every day. Hugging you with my heart. Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... I miss you so much every day; but I have to say that there are times that I 'realize' it more than others. I really just don't have anyone I can talk to anymore... No one knows or understands me; but YOU did. I could say ANYTHING to you and it didn't matter. You knew I wasn't being 'conceited' or 'talking nonsense' whenever I was talking about myself, my jobs, anything I did or was good at... You knew that I was JUST 'talking'; and frankly, stating fact. I could and CAN back up anything I said and say. The thing is... You always taught me "Not to toot my own horn" and I don't. I just can't seem to even answer questions right anymore. I think I just need to STOP TALKING except about JUST the basics or something... I'm SO MISERABLE, Mom. I need SOMEONE to talk to that will listen, hear me and understand me. I'm so lonely... I feel like NO ONE understands me; about ANYTHING.
No one understands that I need things neat and clean all the time, no one understands that I need things organized, no one understands that I need things in their place... No one understands, PERIOD.

So, how are things in Heaven, Mom? Just Heavenly, I bet. Lol I'm being summoned... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart. Always, forever and a day... <3

Hi, Mom... I actually have a lot I want to talk to you about but feel so pressured because I never get time to just sit and write to you; or even just talk to you. I've gone from living alone to being cramped into my living space. Lol It's a good thing I love the people I'm living with... But that's another thing; my living space. I need it to LOOK like my living space.
I love how people jump to conclusions... I wanted to know if I had enough time to write on here or should I wrap it up before Ken got home and HE turned it into a 'trust issue'. Well... Perhaps if HE hadn't given me SO MANY reasons NOT to trust him... HE wouldn't feel so GUILTY and UN-trustworthy. Making me wonder... Do I have REASON not to trust him again??? I understand how he could misunderstand my text; LOTS of texts are misunderstood. But don't come in and start an argument by throwing money at me and giving me attitude when in reality... My intentions were mainly innocent. Anyway... I don't want to fight; we've been doing SO WELL. It's the LAST thing I want.
Josh and Sully... Don't even KNOW what to do about THAT. Will Sully ever even KNOW what I've done for him? How I've fought for him? That I LITERALLY Rescued him from HELL??? My own sons told me in the beginning of the fight that they would disown me if I continued to fight for him; but I HAD to... I knew they were scared. Tori is PURE, LIVING and breathing EVIL; but I scare her... As I should. I am a Lioness and those are MY cubs. Tori doesn't know the MEANING of the word 'Mother'. Giving birth doesn't make you a Mother; it's every action thereafter that DOES. You EARN the title 'Mother'. It's a privilege; not a right. Blayze has learned more after all these years that I wasn't such a bad Mother after all... Lol But Josh... Josh; he's got some anger issues and I think it stems from young childhood, from a time that I was unable to protect him... Because he didn't tell me about some things that were going on... I always told my kids, I can't DO anything ABOUT anything if I don't KNOW anything; you have to TELL me... No MATTER WHAT. But they didn't, of course; and Josh holds anger, I know he does. I protected them against some horrible things; as well as anything and everything... That I KNEW about. But there were events in Josh's life that I knew SOMETHING was going on; I questioned him but couldn't get the answers I NEEDED to protect him. So, other things in life that weren't really my fault, were MADE my fault. 'Projection Type Personality' my son has, and a REAL bad case of it, too. I love him, but can't help him... I leave him in your hands, Blessed Mother; my Angel in the Sky. I, He... WE need you more than ever. For Josh and HIS son. We'll always stick together but I'm not comfortable with the way things are right now. I feel like things are so out of control... I need your divine intervention, Mom.

OK, As usual I've written a short novel. Lol I love and miss you every day, Mom... Hugging you with my heart; always, forever and a day. <3

Well, Mom... As you know, life for me around here got EXTREMELY busy; there just wasn't enough time in a day but thank GOD days came to end. Lol Pure exhaustion, but all worth it. I have remodeled apartments that look GREAT; which Sarah didn't want to do, but with a little, shall we say 'inspiration' from me... NOW, they look AMAZING!!! And I filled them IMMEDIATELY; rooms too. So a full house, again we have, and a job WELL done. (Pat on back inserted HERE... Lol)

So, again, Mom... I'm sorry I haven't had time to visit you here, but as you know I've been out straight and busy as ALL can be... For someone who was told to stop working... How many years ago was it now? LOL I may be approaching 50, and I MAY be a heart attack/stroke RISK and I DO have ALL my physical disabilities, blah, blah, BLAH. But I have a brain; and I NEED to use it... Which we all know there are a lot of people out there that don't. Lol Common sense is NOT a flower that grows in EVERYONE'S garden. Lol But you told me since I was a young child that I belonged running my own business. I said I didn't want to run my OWN business; I wanted to run somebody ELSE'S; which is what I am doing... WELL. Unlike some others along my path in life, she allows me my creative freedom; and she likes it... A LOT. However, it's what's made this business so successful. Others stifled me; mainly, as we know for other reasons. This is a young girl, now of 27 years of age; and quite intelligent. She comes from a good, well rounded business family. She was definitely fortunate enough to have a 'leg up' in life established FOR her; something I wish I could have established for mine... I tried to set them up with at LEAST the knowledge and 'know how'. Blayze... He'll be ok; but he'll be Josh's 'care taker'. And Sully... Yeah. When I call him "Josh's Mini-Me" or "Karma"; I believe I'm quite accurate. Sully is well on his way to 'Punk-dom'. Or should I spell it 'Punk-dumb'? I know he's part Josh and part Tori; which just, in itself gives the poor kid a rough start. Lol But he's 2-1/2 years old, still doesn't speak full sentences (mine were speaking full sentences before a YEAR old and I worked Full Time PLUS); he's still in diapers (Josh, at least was FULLY potty trained by 18 months; Blayze had some 'emotional issues' that kept setting him backwards but still potty trained by 2); CONSTANTLY acts out in multiple ways, so he's 'an embarrassment'... But also bottom line, JOSH needs to be a BETTER Father. I was a single mother of 2 boys, worked ALL the time, MULTIPLE jobs when I needed to, out of my trade when I needed to; and I DID IT. NO excuses, NO "I can'ts" or "Not today; Mommy's feeling 'Bi-polar'." I just got up, EVERY DAY and JUST DID IT like you taught me; AND set the EXAMPLE for me. I made mistakes along the way; WHO DOESN'T???!!! But my MAIN mistakes were allowing the wrong men to pick me and then I tried too hard to actually MAKE it work; I wanted my boys to have what I never had... A REAL family. However, I loved them and was THERE for EVERYTHING. I hugged them, kissed them, disciplined them, went to school meetings, counseling for YEARS... I RAISED them; I didn't allow them to just 'grow up' like the majority of their friends, and I raised them with morals, standards and values like I was raised with. I set the example for THEM, TOO... So what the HELL happened??? Society is all I can figure. Today's generations, a lot of the 'kids' are just pure lazy; mine included. Blayze has come a LONG way; he even wants to go back to school for Graphic Arts. Lord knows he's a PHENOMENAL artist and I've been telling him for YEARS to do something with it. But anyway... Please watch over my babies, Mom. They need your guidance because MINE sure as all 'you know what' isn't helping. It amazes me how I can help SO MANY OTHERS with the simplest of my words and wisdom; they'll leave me or my office telling me how happy they feel they talked to me, etc... But I can't seem to help my OWN. Blayze... I SEE the wheels turning at times; so hope is always on. Josh though... I don't know. Even though I never 'planned' on having children, the plan was made for me and I'm grateful; would NEVER change it. Then after my difficulties having Josh, I said "Never AGAIN!" Well, again MY plan was 'ignored' for MY life... Lol Obviously for good reasons. Josh AND I need help, and that would be my Sweet Child, Blayze. Who would've thought that BILLY'S son would turn out to be 'my me'...? Or at least the closest thing to it I'll ever have or get.

As for me and Ken... So far, we've been back together going on a month, and things are going GREAT. Please keep an eye on him from up there for me; keep him on the 'straight and narrow'. Because if he EVER hurts me again... There will be NO point of return; this time was and IS hard enough. You KNOW I don't do this. But, God help me, I love him... And he DID go to counseling even AFTER we split up in November, like he was supposed to do while we were TOGETHER; that, to me was a major step. When he originally called about the counseling, I heard him say to the intake counselor that he was "messing up the perfect relationship and didn't want to do it anymore". I wasn't anywhere that he KNEW I could hear him, so it wasn't for MY benefit; we REALLY DO have an incredible relationship... One to be envied. One like I used to admire and say, "I wish I had a relationship like that..." He not only ACTS different, he LOOKS different. Now, when I see pictures of him from before, I actually don't like them because I can SEE the difference and I actually SAY, "No, Baby. That's 'HIM'." So help ME not be so "broken", and help HIM stay on the straight and narrow; and we should be FINE... GREAT, as a matter of fact.

OK, Mom, now that I've written a short novel, I suppose I should end for now. Lol I had to make up for lost time. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... I know it's been a little bit but we've been busy as all can be here lately; but things are going well. Ken and I are doing really well, Blayze is good, Josh and Sully... Well; I wish they were better. I'm not happy with the situation there at all, but I guess it will have to do for now. Blayze living with Ken and I is crowded, but we'll make due for now, as well.

Things are really good, as a rule... I'll come back and tell you more later, Mom. I have to take care of some other things right now. I just wanted to touch base because it's been so long and, well... Just like in life, I wanted to keep my promise to you. Regardless of all that's going on in my life, business or personal... I need time for my Mother. Problem is, you're not just a phone call away anymore. I talk to you out loud, but this site isn't like picking up a phone. Lol

I'll try to come back later, but if I'm not able to... I will real soon; I promise. But I'll be talking to you meanwhile. I love you, Mom... Hugging you with my heart; Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... Happy Belated 81st Birthday!!! I tried to make it on here yesterday, but to no avail. I attempted to post a birthday post on Facebook; TWICE... But it didn't seem to take from my new phone; I don't know what the deal is there. So, it makes me look bad not making it ON your birthday, but... YOU know I love you and talk to you ALL day long and how busy I am, so... Lol I SUPPOSE it's Ok. But I still feel bad.

But there are good things going on; like Ken and I getting back together and him moving back to Edmond Terrace... Into his OWN room, of course. So he's actually paying rent TO me as his MANAGER. Lol No, but seriously... Lol We're trying to do it right; take it slow and work out our problems. Talk about PROBLEMS though... Todd's been a BIG one. Going around the building, talking CRAP to everybody about Ken; AND me basically, too really... Because he WAS and IS obsessed with me. It's not like I wasn't honest with him from the get go, because I WAS. I went on ONE date with him and was his so called 'girlfriend' all of a few days... He was telling me he loved me LONG before I even agreed to go on the date, and I was telling him there was probably no chance for us even if there WAS no Ken before the date... So WHERE did he think he had something going with me that was such a BIG deal??? I was 'brutally' honest with him, basically went on a 'mercy date'; yeah, TRYING to see if I COULD move on, but in my heart KNEW I wasn't going to be able to... It was a mistake. I TOLD him so. He CONTINUED to pursue me, regardless of ANYTHING I said. He made ME responsible for HIS happiness; it's not MY responsibility and neither is HE. I'M my responsibility and so is MY happiness; therefore, that's what I'M pursuing. You lay too much responsibility on one person for ANYTHING, they tend to recoil from you.

Ken made me happy; most of the time. Yes, he cheated on me and I knew it. He turned it all around on me and my insecurities because he didn't want to lose me WHILE he was having his 'cake and eating it too'; he was even pushing me to get married. He didn't realize just HOW much he loved me... Until he had LOST me for good. He's been getting counseling with Anger Management incorporated into it. I PRAY he and we are successful this time.

I took off ALL my armor for him; ALL of the 'locks and chains' around my heart for protection... GONE. I let him in; BECAUSE he was there for me and mine during one of the WORST times of my life and didn't leave. Then I became SO ill and remained ill for a good 2 months; he took care of me. No one's ever done THAT for me before EITHER. I fell TRULY in love with him... And ALLOWED myself to. Feeling was one thing; this time, I'm ALL in... It's scary as HELL.

I'm still a strong woman and even if this doesn't work out, I'll live; I'll move on. It's just that I remember what I go through and how LONG it takes me... And I've gotten a GOOD reminder of it again; and I don't like it. As good as it feels to BE in love at the TIME; it really sucks to be 'broken'... Which is what happens to me EVERY time. I haven't allowed myself to really 'LOVE' anyone for a very long time... Now I remember why.

Anyway, Mom... I thought you'd like to know that apparently I have been interpreting the cards correctly, so YAY! LOL Hopefully, Ken will keep his promises, remember who he REALLY loves and keep it in his pants. I've left men for a HELL of a lot less... This IS his last chance. So, please; whatever guidance you can give, will be greatly appreciated.

Love and miss you every day, Mom. Hugging you with my Heart; always, forever and a day. <3

Morning, Mom... Here it is, 6:30; I should JUST be getting up, and I've been up since before 5:00 AM. LOL Can't sleep... I don't know. All this snow, thoughts of what's going on with Ken... Wondering, WILL he come through? I hope our song hits HIM as hard as it hit me... "My Light" by Sully Erna. Listening to it while reading the lyrics was REALLY poignant... And EXACTLY US. At least in MY heart... And according to the things he SAYS to me; in HIS TOO.
So, the truth comes down, I guess. Will he LEAVE her, number one...
Number 2, will he be able to stay true to JUST US? Did he learn his lessons this time? Hopefully, the counseling will be a major key in his and our success. He's already begun for himself, which is a GOOD start. ;-) Can't get ahead of myself... Texts are texts and promises are promises; which have been proven to be broken. :'(
So, we'll just BACK IT UP until we HEAR THE BEEPS. Lol

ACTIONS...
Actions speak LOUDER than Words.
So, we'll see... But any help would be greatly appreciated. Lol ;-)

So, until LATER anyway... LOL I gotta go take a shower and get ready to work. Got to earn my keep.

Love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom... Like You don't know. You still have your proverbial ears? Lol Hugging you with my heart; Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... I know it's been a few days, I'm sorry. Mom #2's surgery went well and she feels MUCH better. That stint NEEDED to come out JUST like me and her PA thought WEEKS ago... But the SURGEON put it off because HE didn't see the importance. The proof is in the pudding; sorry. It's OUT and she's BETTER; Problem SOLVED. Kiss mine... Sorry, Mom; but you KNOW how I feel about these ARROGANT asses that are only in it for the paycheck, and NOT the purpose. The cost of lies or laziness could be LIFE; a pretty high price if you ask me. I went through and SAW SO MUCH with you... I learned a LOT. I lost a LOT of faith in the medical field. Very FEW are in it for the RIGHT reasons; and it SHOWS.
Anyway, enough about THAT depressing subject that, in the LONG run, took my BEST friend from me... Whether it was in your best interest or not is NOT what I'm stressing here. You were 'violated' by the medical field throughout your LIFETIME; they KILLED you MULTIPLE times and, THANK GOD resuscitated you... Even before my very eyes. THEY, in the end, were the ones responsible for bringing you to your 'day of peace'; and Danny has the PROOF... It just wasn't worth fighting. What would it accomplish? It wouldn't bring you back, and I wouldn't want you back in the condition you WERE anyway; you were SUFFERING... And you were FINALLY at peace. I was at peace with THAT; somewhat... As much as I COULD be. And I still talk to you EVERY day as though you're in the room with me. We do cards together... Also, NOW I have Mom #2... :-D We have REALLY connected, too. I call her like I used to call you; just randomly, and we just talk about whatever... Like you and I used to. I love it, Mom. And I know you don't mind... I know you know I need a female; I need a Mom. She doesn't replace you; no one could EVER do THAT... They'd have some pretty big footsteps to follow, never mind shoes to fill. I am a lot of who I am today because of you... I WORSHIP you. You're my everything. No one could ever come close to you... But I DO love her and have a connection with her; and BECAUSE of who you are... I know you understand and don't mind that. I love you, Mom. <3
Ken and I have been talking a lot lately, too. I wonder if he feels the same way I do...? When my friend Barbara came over for dinner last night, she asked me questions about he and I; and one of them was I remembering what it was like to be without him. And I said No. I was actually remembering what it was like to be WITH him... And started crying. Because Ken knows me so intimately; we don't even have to speak. I can say, "This is SO PERFECT. There's only 2 things that would make it more perfect." With-OUT hesitation, Ken says, "Mom and Poquito." Maybe I meant Crystal and Brian? But I didn't... He was right. He knows my favorite spoon and MAKES SURE I get it when he got us ice cream... OH! And my favorite bowl. Lol We could finish each other's sentences, text or call as the other was thinking of the other, think of the same thing at the same time... Laugh, talk, love... So why wasn't I enough? And why aren't we together now? And WHY is he with someone else when he STILL says he LOVES ME and only CARES for her...??? Feelings are real; it would be wrong if he didn't have any feelings for her; but he tells ME he LOVES ME and CARES for HER.
I was listening to the radio, as I always do while taking a shower. This song came on by Blake Shelton. The words couldn't have been more fitting of how I feel. The song is "We Don't Have To Be Lonely".
I wish Ken would realize... I don't know. I actually ache... He came right out and asked me the same question I ask MYSELF; HOW I can still be in love with him after everything he did to me and put me through.
My answer: Because I remember what it feels like to BE with him... What we had was real... Despite his 'illness'; and it IS an illness that can be dealt with... We truly love each other. He's going to counseling; he SAYS he wants to be a better person because he doesn't like what he's become... I hope that's true. We agreed basically being with me 'enlightened' him to that he needed to be 'fixed'. He has a LOT of good qualities; we just need to work on the bad ones. Lol
What can I say; I love him. I don't know if he'll smarten up and leave her... But at least we're talking; and it's definitely got him thinking.
Love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom... Hugging you with my heart. Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... I know; it's late again. We've had such a turn-around lately. I've even lost someone I wasn't looking forward to losing; she moved to Florida with her family. I can't exactly begrudge her THAT, now can I?! Lol But I'll miss her... :'(
Blayze and I have been working out straight; tonight we worked until about 10:30. But we got done what we needed to... Tomorrow morning, I have IT Guys coming in AND someone that wants to rent a room IF they show up. Lol But MORE importantly, is Mom #2's surgery tomorrow... So I need you on watch up there... No funny stuff in the 'OR' or anything. They said it's a long procedure; they're not very 'forth coming' with information. :-/ Perhaps if I were there on the spot, I might ask more questions...?
I have to say; Ken has really come through for Mom this time... I'm so glad. As much as I want to be there for her, she was feeling disappointed in and separated from her son; no Mother should have to feel that. Tomorrow, she won't have to. I can go see her when she's home, or afterward in the hospital... Whatever. Not that it matters whether he's around or not; but she seems to think it does... Maybe, for some reason, it does. I don't know...
So, off to bed I go because I am EXHAUSTED...
I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom... Your 81st Birthday's coming up soon... Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... Mom #2's surgery went good so far... So thank you. This, pardon me, better be the end of her pain and discomfort. And Ken; he really did come through for her today. We had good conversation too...
Yeah... We miss each other. But what does it change? I'm here and he's there... With her; another woman. It kills me sometimes when I think about how different I am; and how there's not a DAMN THING I can do about it..Well we'll see...
Love and miss you Mom, every day.  
Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom I'm back. Sorry it's so late but I've been having 'Todd Issues' again; not that they ever really stopped. They just changed. I, also DID already write one... But the page decided to pull the 'Refresh' thing again. So here I sit; RE-writing... I worked all day; was already aggravated, wanted to talk to you about things that are on my mind... So that's EXACTLY why everything happened the way it did.
Anyway....
It doesn't matter WHAT I say, how BLUNT I am about it... Todd does NOT GET that I am NOT READY for ANY KIND of RELATIONSHIP. I came right out and told him that he was everything that Ken wasn't; because he IS.
He just isn't Ken.
How do MEN find it SO EASY to be with someone else??????????????
Because I just CAN'T.
Todd wants me to be his Valentine... His Valentine. I don't even want to THINK about Valentine's Day...
I had to know I was IN LOVE WITH HIM............................. :'(
But he can so easily touch, hold, kiss... Her... Just ANYONE else.
How? ... And say he still loves ME?

It just kills me... The one who HAS my heart doesn't treat me like he should. The one who WANTS my heart HAS the qualities I WISH Ken had... LOL Oh man; I can't win...LOL The song he had me listen to; he said it makes him think of he and I... It's called "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. It speaks VOLUMES... Confirms for me that he's Brian without the punching and other 'nasty' stuff. He's my 'Brad Paisley' in one way [Perfect Storm]... But when the scale TIPS...

Well... Tomorrow I go for a consultation about the CT Scan I had on my right arm Friday. They're getting me in real quick. I'm skeptical because MY doctor isn't writing, let's say 'proper notes' in my notes section of Myechart. He says there's no noticeable changes or differences; something like that. How can that be when he SAID to me IN THE OFFICE that he could SEE it THROUGH MY SHIRT because it was so "NOTICEABLE". Then when the surgeons called me today to schedule, they referred to it as a 'Hematoma'. I know what that is... Now, I got that call BEFORE I checked Myechart; so I didn't know about the discrepancy until later tonight. NOW, I'm REALLY wondering what's up with my arm...???
I am SO My Mother's Daughter...

OK, onward... To Mom #2. She's having her surgery Thursday; so you know I need you... Same ol', same ol'... You know the routine. Lol <3 Ken said he was going to stay with her; I hope he does. I need to call her tomorrow; maybe I can stop after my appointment.

Bedtime!!! I love and miss you, Mom, EVERY DAY. I'm hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... I'm sorry it's been a few days since I've written, but I've been slammed as you know. I'm actually still too busy right now but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and I'll be back later... Blayze and I still have a room to prepare for rental; but I have a lot I need to 'talk' about with You... I know, AS usual. Lol
I love you, Mom... Be back later. XOXO <3

Hi, Mom... Well; I did it. But I ended up breaking it off completely with Todd. He didn't take it well... I hope he's not going to be a problem. Don't they ALWAYS start out such NICE guys???
The obsessiveness... I should've remembered. It's similar to Brian in ways but NO WHERE NEAR... Except that, I hear him outside right now; and it's not the first time. He WAS just ringing my bell after he left here angry, wondering "who HE was gonna have to talk to now..." I don't know; THAT'S just PART of his 'immature' personality.
OK; now someone's texting me FOR him... SEE???
I told him I felt like I hopped out of one frying pan into another, and I didn't like it. I didn't want to be in a committed relationship; I want to date. He didn't like it at ALL... He accepted what I had to say, but said he'd be patiently waiting and not looking for anyone else; which LEAVES HIM COMMITTED.
And NOW He's BANGING ON MY WINDOWS AND THE OUTSIDE OF MY WALLS!!! WTH?!?! I'm calling Blayze... Now he's ringing my bell again, but Blayze will be down. I sit corrected. This has LEVELED UP to a Brian Emery.
Wow. Talk about a PTSD Moment. My Old Life... I never want to re-live those days. I probably wouldn't survive them now... I was a Warrior THEN; and raised two to protect me, I guess. I certainly set a good example. Lol
Funny, Mom, how ALL my life's lessons brought me HERE. Every job I've held, relationship I've had, place I've lived; they ALL had a rhyme and reason... Because the people here REALLY do need me, and I REALLY can help them. This building is my Home; and the people here are my 'Extended Family'. I TRULY CARE about ALL of them...
Sure; there are the few... Lol But I TRULY LOVE it here, and have NO intentions of leaving. Serenity Place: This is my Home. ;-)
Well, things have CERTAINLY quieted down, so Blayze must've taken care of business. I just wanted to stay in routine because I promised myself.
I love and miss you, Mom, Every Day. Hugging you with my heart... <3

Hello, My Blessed Mother; can you SEE ME through all this SNOW??? LOL Yeah, I hate it; but you're probably up there, looking down... LOVIN' EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!! LOL As much as I'm your daughter, we DO have our little differences; and THAT'S one. lol YOU like the snow and actually PRAY for a white Christmas; and ME, well... "Snow" is a FOUR letter word and every time it DOES snow, I feel Mother Nature is SWEARING at us. LOL So today, you're literally a 'Snow Angel'. LOL Ahem... Sorry; you know my mouth gets ahead of me sometimes... Or in this case, my fingers. :-)
Anyway, it seems that Ken may have 'attempted' to cause problems for our family using Sully and so forth... HOW SAD is that, Mom??? I'm sorry, but there were dead giveaways; the Boys and I ALL looked at each other at the SAME time and said, "KEN" so 'matter-of-factly'. It opened doors for us, in actuality. Some people NEVER learn... C'est Lavie.
WHAT he intended to GAIN from it, Lord only knows... Telling multiple people how much he still loves me when he picks them up in his cab; ranting and raving about how HE'S the one that TRULY loves me. OK... Well; I'm with someone ELSE now and you've BEEN with someone else and according to 'rumor', numerous others... So WHAT do you WANT from ME??? You BLEW all your chances... Chance after chance after chance. You lied; you cheated; you fraternized with STREET TRASH. So I 'threw OUT the trash'. My Blessed Mother always said,
"If you go shopping in a dumpster, expect to bring home garbage."

I'm HONEST, DECENT, RESPECTFUL/RESPECTABLE, FAITHFUL... Among a whole VAULT of other treasurable things; but YOU didn't. So again; WHAT do you want from me?

Anyway, Mom... I love and miss you Every Day... Hugging you with my heart; Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... Happy 4th Year Anniversary of your Day of Peace. I know I don't have to tell you how much I love and miss you, because I tell you EVERY day. I have to have your face everywhere in my home; even in my car... AND office. We went through SO much together, Mom... It wouldn't really be inappropriate to say that we still ARE. I KNOW you're always with me and mine. There are times I need your 'Divine Intervention' and you're there; and it's noticed. You always told me... When you were asking me to 'let you die', but I couldn't... That you could probably do more good for me "up there" than "down here". Well, I don't necessarily agree with that; but I DO know that at the time you finally left me... It WAS your time to go; that you were FINALLY at peace. Seeing you as an Angel confirmed that for me... My Angel in the Sky. You were my Angel on Earth first; because you NEVER gave up on me; helped make me WHO I am today... Thank you. EVERYONE should be as fortunate to have such a Mother; a REAL Mother.
Today, even though you're with me always... Could you look over me with a little EXTRA care? I have a doctor's appointment with some real concerns; and I AM my Mother's Daughter, after all... Also, Mom #2 is having the same issues recurring; so please watch over her, too.

I love and miss you, Mom, EVERY DAY... I SOOOO wish you were here; but it's ok and WE'RE ok. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... I was so upset yesterday morning. I wrote a long message to you, and just when I went to close out; the page refreshed itself. I was SO upset, I almost cried. I literally poured my heart out in it. LOL Oh well... I 'vented', at least.
Things for the most part are good, Mom. Most of what I told you was about how I got closure with Ken; I feel 100 MILLION times better than I even did before; so THANK YOU for your help. I KNOW you incorporated some of your 'Divine Intervention'; my Angel in the Sky... I'm so eternally grateful. You gave me the last key I needed to move on with Todd for real; but you knew that, didn't you. Todd and I were doing OK; but I needed one last little 'kick' to boot me into moving the rest of the way forward. Now, he can CALL me his 'Girlfriend'. LOL Still taking it NICE and SLOW... NO fast moves; and I LOVE that he's patient with me. All he cares about is BEING with me... Time will take care of the rest. :-) Tonight he spelled out "I love u" in Scrabble chocolates. LOL Cute... So anyway, ALL is good on the home front.
However... Mom #2, Dad & Michael; can you watch over them please? They need comfort right now, and some assistance through a hard time; and typically, Ken is a thorough disappointment. :'( I wish I had the money I used to have; I'd give it in a heartbeat... NO parent should be mistreated or disrespected by their child #1. #2, they should NEVER be turned down in a time of need UNLESS unavoidable. That, at the very least, was done to Mom #2 tonight; and has been done on NUMEROUS occasions by Ken. Over what? MONEY; what else?! $40.00... He COULDN'T LOAN his MOTHER $40.00.

Ken; I WOULDN'T want to be YOU the day you have to face God. ALL the pain you CAUSE OTHERS, you will EXPERIENCE YOURSELF on your Judgement Day. I hope you will be prepared for what you will experience in YOUR review of your LIFE.
Amen.

Anyway, that's it for now, Mom. Love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... Well, let me tell you; tonight went well. I made a real nice dinner, homemade cheesecake, we had some wine, watched TV, he gave me a nice massage... He just left not long ago and it was a REAL nice night. We talked... I TOLD him that I've decided to stop being my own worst enemy. I've really been in a self re-evaluation; I don't want to push HIM away because of Ken. You don't punish one person because of another; everyone is responsible for their OWN actions... Todd is ONLY responsible for HIS; and all I can say is, if Ken had done a PORTION of what Todd does, cheating aside... We probably would have worked. So why DOESN'T Todd deserve a chance??? He DOES; so he's getting one... And it went WELL.
Somehow, some way... I need to break off this 'Suit of Armour' I have on, and take down the electrical force-field around my heart. I've just already been through SO MUCH HELL, then back again... I don't want to do it anymore; I'm tired... And SO broken. I don't and CAN'T trust; especially once it's broken.
Anyway... Tonight, ALL in ALL went VERY well. And I'm VERY happy about that. So, one day at a time...
Love and miss you, Mom; every day. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... Well, exactly what I thought would happen, happened. So, I'm glad I didn't break things off with Todd because now I've decided to give him a real chance.

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

So, I'm done doing just that. Love and miss you every day, Mom. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... Well, hopefully Mom #2 is making progress. We went to her doctor day before yesterday; she's VERY nice and I got 'good feelings' from her. She also approved of what I did for Mom; to the point that she actually did a little 'skip & jump' movement with a thumbs up. LOL Then prescribed her the same medication in a higher dose. Did I miss my calling? LOL Remember when I was a little girl, Mom, and I 'played Nurse'? ... Dad even used to let me take his splinters out for him; one of the VERY FEW things he actually did for me that was 'Dad like'. Sad thing is... I feel SO MUCH CLOSER to Ken's Dad than I EVER did to my OWN father; my own family, except YOU.
Ken actually contacted me to thank me for taking Mom to the appointment; I wouldn't have had it any other way. I have to admit, it was nice to hear from him again. Then again today... We exchanged feelings for each other. I don't know where it will go; we DO love each other. Can I ever trust him? He promised me he'd never break me; he was "a different breed"... Well, he broke me. Chance, after chance, after chance... He's going to counseling now. Would there be a BETTER chance now? Has he truly learned? I WANT to believe... What we had when we were good was SO special and beautiful. But when we split and I put all the pieces together for the FINAL time; I felt like our relationship was a 'lie'. Love isn't enough; it's the BASE of a relationship, the EASY part.
Guide me, Blessed Mother... I SO don't want to go through any of that again and I SO don't want to play the part of a fool. I love him; I believe he loves me... I just need to believe I can TRUST him not to LIE to me and to be FAITHFUL. Selfishness... Well, we can work on that. LOL
Hugging you with my heart, Mom. Love and miss you EVERY DAY. Wish you were here... <3

Hi, Mom... I know I already wrote you earlier today, but since then I've had conversation with Ken. Supposedly, he's going to Sandy's for dinner and he's going to talk to her and tell her that he's still in love with me. Supposedly, he wants to do anything to work things out with me. The cards have been saying for a while that something MIGHT happen because he's been thinking of me and vice-verse... It won't be easy but... Also, the cards CAN go either way; it depends on what choice he makes. So far, they've been correct when I've interpreted them correctly. There have been times I've been confused... I don't even necessarily ASK about him; but he's connected to me. Even when I just ask "What's new?" or "What's next for me?" or anything just in general, it will still tell me about him.
I SO want to trust that he'll do the right thing and NOT sleep with her... I understand that he has feelings for her; it would be wrong if he didn't. It would be wrong of him NOT to be sensitive to her feelings. But there IS a difference between SENSITIVE and AFFECTIONATE/SEXUAL. I hope he won't cross that line...
Also, I HOPE he doesn't think he's going to be seeing BOTH of us; because THAT'S not going to happen. Telling her he's still IN LOVE with me is ONE thing... But trying to WORK THINGS OUT with me is ANOTHER. WHICH IS IT???
HE told ME that he "would do ANYTHING to have [me] back in [his] arms again." I guess time will tell...
He said he PROBABLY wouldn't spend the night; but IF he did, it would be on the couch. I'll never know the truth because I wasn't there. But FACT is he LEFT it at he'll text me TOMORROW morning... Normally, he'd text me GOODNIGHT. Therefore, he'll be spending the night. C'est Lavie... More time until he gets to touch me. I haven't been touched by another since him; but it didn't take HIM long.
I just want to be happy and NOT be a fool... I've been straight up with Todd, all along; and he knows Ken and I have been talking, but I'm not ENDING anything with him until I KNOW that Ken has ENDED it with Sandy. I'm not a COMPLETE fool...
Anyway, Mom; thanks for listening... As usual. Love and miss you, every day. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... I need your help. Mom #2 has been really sick as you know; gallbladder surgery, then they went back in for MORE stones near her pancreas... But she's still sick and in pain; I can't bare it, and it's been for SO LONG now. They can't seem to determine WHAT'S causing the issues. PLEASE help me help HER like I helped you... I kept you alive. There has to be SOMETHING I can do for her OTHER than run to her and WATCH her writhe in pain and sickness. Please help me, Blessed Mother; please help me help her... :'( Meanwhile, continue to watch over her and comfort her for me because I can't be there; for multiple and obvious reasons. Just keep her comfortable and safe. <3
As always, Mom, I'm hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a day. <3

Hi, Mom... Yes, I'm in one of my weird 'not sleeping at night' things again. I'm passing out while watching TV, yet HERE I am; LATE at night, WIDE awake. So I thought to myself, I'll write to Mom. :-)
I read what I wrote last time... "Don't allow me to play The Fool... Ever again." 'The Fool'... You know what bothers me MOST about those words, Mom? I DID know. I DID sense things. I DID question him; but HE LIED... And flipped out on and punished ME; for MONTHS.
I did EVERYTHING I could to make my relationship work; even sent him home to his Mother a couple of times and then took him back to give it another shot. I forgave, in MY book UNFORGIVABLE things; because he trashed ME and our relationship in multiple ways... So then, WHO was REALLY 'The Fool'? T'was NOT I... ;-) Yet I'm STILL in love with him.
Then there's Todd; who does EVERYTHING for me WITHOUT me even asking that I needed KEN to do from the beginning, and it's blowing me away a little. WHY couldn't KEN have been like TODD??? And be the qualities about HIMSELF that I love. I'm busy getting my BUSINESS work done in my OFFICE, and Todd was CLEANING MY HOUSE. !!! :-O Ken used to play on his phone... Or take a nap... Smoke cigarettes... Chat with other women/girls... While I worked. When I talked to him about HIS responsibilities, I got attitude and punished; sometimes for days because he had to DO his JOB around here. Todd doesn't even work here; he's a 'Guest at Will'. He just likes helping people; and it's not just me. One of the reasons I agreed to go out with him was BECAUSE of how freely he gives of himself to OTHERS. He was just randomly helping people around the building out of the goodness of his heart; he's a "do good-er". And it's genuine... A big difference between him and Ken. Ken is very 'fake'; he'll say and do pretty much anything to get what he wants. Todd on the other hand; even though he's very direct and even speaks pretty well of himself in ways, don't be fooled... VERY low self esteem and VERY insecure.
What a dilemma... Anyway, Hugging you with my heart as always, Mom. Thanks for ALWAYS listening... :-) Love you... <3

Wow, Mom... I just had to come back and tell you. I went to my Facebook after leaving here and that 'Skanky' girl that Ken was 'with', I think AFTER we broke up, decided she was going to 'Follow' me on Facebook; so I BLOCKED her. Mom, this isn't the first time... A woman from where he used to work decided to 'Follow' me. She even messaged me but it wasn't nice, of course... I suspected THEN that he was 'messing around' with her; now, it just makes me wonder even more.
When I read the cards, Mom... It LOOKS like he's 'remorseful' and truly loves me; and even that perhaps his counseling is being taken seriously...? Also, that 'Mom'... And I know you don't mind me calling her that; she's NOT you but important to me... Mom is possibly playing 'Devil's Advocate'; BECAUSE she loves us both and how Ken feels. (?)
It just REALLY pains me; breaks my heart when I think of certain things... Like of the times that money was 'missing' but we weren't being intimate yet. $200.00... HOW did he 'lose' it when he supposedly JUST had it and ONLY went into his parent's house but DIDN'T give it to them... Yeah. I think NOW, but had EVEN suspected back THEN that the money was spent on other 'services'. He was SO patient and kind; willing to wait for me. WHY??? Because his needs were being SERVICED ELSEWHERE. Hence, the explanation for ALL the missing money AND paychecks that he claimed he did NOT receive and also an explanation as to why HE would be the ONE and ONLY person that would NOT get a response and reaction from the Labor Board after I wrote them on his behalf. If YOU were owed OVER $1900.00, wouldn't YOU want to get paid???!!! I would, and I think ANYONE would; but apparently NOT Ken. "Oh, the mighty webs we weave..." He got SO caught up in them, there was NO getting out... EXCEPT for getting out OR admitting ALL of what he had done and BEEN doing; and he wasn't man enough to do that. So, when I threw him out; he went... Yelling a LOT of epithets, absurdities, sewage... ALL things that ONCE again proved... He didn't know me at all. :'( 
And the horrible thing is, in so many ways... He knows me so well.
HOW can that HAPPEN?!?!?!?!
HOW can you not LIKE someone you LOVE?
HOW can he HURT someone deliberately, then say "I love you"?
HOW can he say he loves me, and so EASILY be with OTHER people??? That's NOT love... I DON'T find it easy and I have a HARD time BECAUSE of him; that IS love.
Anyway... Dwell, dwell, dwell... What good is it gonna do? But you know me; I HAVE to think it through, pick it apart, analyze it, put it all back together again; and I'll come up with SOME sort of answer and I did, of course. LOL
I love you, Mom. Hugging you with my heart... Always, forever and a Day. ♥

Hi, Mom; as usual, I wish you were here... You're the one that JUST understands; ME and everything. But what I'm going through right now, without a doubt you'd empathize...
Here it is, Mom: How can he kiss, hold and 'make love' to another woman SO SOON after WE break up??? BEYOND that... He MOVED IN with her!!! Before that, he was sleeping around, and I know it with some pretty 'skanky' girls; one that I know of. As for Sandy... The girl he lives with... I think he was 'in contact' with her WHILE he was WITH me.
I finally reached a point for New Year's Eve and decided I was going to move on. A really nice guy has been chasing me, so I finally said "OK". But I have a hard time having another man's hands on me... Another man kiss me... Another man touch me. Period. When ALL I want is Ken's hands on me... Ken kissing me... Ken touching me... And I want it to be that way for him. too. With me, PERIOD.
But it wasn't and hasn't been that way... :'( 
This guy Todd I'm trying to date will do ANYTHING under the SUN for me to make me happy... And I just don't feel it. Is it BECAUSE I'm still in love with Ken? Or is it because of multiple other reasons that I SEE? Lol
All I ask is PLEASE guide me, Blessed Mother... PLEASE don't allow me to play the fool... Ever again.
I love you, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; ALWAYS, forever and a day... <3

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Mom!!! Today was an EXCELLENT day. Marj and Jake came over and are spending the night. We all made an AWESOME Christmas dinner for the ENTIRE building, together. Everybody was SOOOO HAPPY and said that I've made such a "homey environment and atmosphere" around here. I truly AM serving my purpose. The only things that would have made it complete are out of my reach... Love and miss you every day, Mom. Hugging you with my heart. <3

Hi, Mom... Can you believe it's December? Time just flies for me now, since I started this job; in a good way. I'm content; for the most part. There are voids, of course... I wish I had a rich relative that I didn't know about that would just conveniently pass away and leave me an inheritance because I'm their only living relative or something. Lol That would solve SOME of my problems... So I could fix my car that's been desecrated on me from the get go. I've had this BEAST of a car for 4-1/2 years now... Within 3-4 MONTHS of owning it, she received her first hit; it was down hill from there... She's been stolen, vandalized, hit from ALL angles, NUMEROUS times... My POOR Sadie. And now Ken. He just TOPPED it off and tells me "F YOU".

I've spent my LIFETIME helping people... I STILL do. I ask nothing in return. I'm finally in a position in my life to USE my life's learnings and experiences to HELP others; and DO... And I'm FINALLY not STIFLED or REPRIMANDED for DOING SO. I don't get paid for what I do. I just have ALL THIS KNOWLEDGE and ALL THESE SKILLS... And do WHAT WITH them if I can't HELP people??? I know you know... But you know what would be nice for a change? If someone DID do something to help ME. I see these things ALL the time when people write in to shows like Dr. Phil and Ellen... They praise them for their 'good doings' and pay their rent, or give them vehicles... I could use a vehicle. But THAT would never happen to ME... It's JUST TOO GOOD of a thing to happen, to HAPPEN TO me.

Anyway... I love and miss you, Mom; EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart... <3

Morning, Mom... Please help me stay strong in the decisions I've made; I know they're better for me. Even though the boys are adults now and live on their own, they're better for them, too. The less tension in my household and the happier their Mother is, the happier THEY are. I am SO fortunate, Mom. You were SO RIGHT when you said I would receive my rewards through my children... I did what was right and I have a GREAT relationship with them and two GREAT young Men for sons to boot. It was a HELL of a road to get here. LOL But definitely worth it. I love you, Mom. Miss you every day... Hugging you with my heart. <3

You visited me the other day... The day before Thanksgiving; and it was the most BEAUTIFUL experience of my LIFE. I've had experiences, you know and Lord knows; but THAT one with you RULES over ALL others. It was warm. I felt you. I SAW your face. You STAYED with me for a time... I heard your message. I have things to do. I'm DOING a lot of them... But there's more. And you're PROUD of me... Thank you. JUST Thank you. You couldn't have come at a BETTER time. I AM my Mother's Daughter... And I COULDN'T be MORE PROUD.
I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart... <3

Now, I just want to show you some love... I now have a computer of my own again and have this page bookmarked. Even though I literally talk to you as though you're in the room with me EVERY DAY... I need to make more of an effort to visit the site that I, personally developed for you. I love you, Mom. I know you know... I'm not worried. Talk soon... <3

Hello, My Blessed Mother... Love and miss you every day. I'm sure you know that in certain areas of my life, things have totally turned around. I'm actually working and loving it. It not only pays for my living expenses, it PUTS the roof over my head AND I do what I do best: RUN THINGS. It's definitely going well... It put me in a position to do well by my boys and Sully; I got THEM into an apartment and a nice one at that. The only thing I'm NOT happy with is what WAS making me happy before... My relationship. It just seems that when I'M good and successful at something, things with the man in my life goes to shit. WHY??? There are other issues, as well, but... I feel lost. I don't know what to say or do; my trust in him is gone... I love him though. I don't know WHAT to think... As usual, I wish I had my Best Friend. Love you, Mom. Hugging you with my heart... <3