hey mom, it’s been 8 years now since you past away and it’s getting harder and harder by the day you’re not here. but i don’t think you’d be proud of how i’m turning out… i’m rarely happy, and if i am it’s because it’s temporary. my emotions just hide behind a face that i put on everyday because i don’t want anyone knowing how much i miss you. when i’m home alone, i sit and cry and think about all the things i could have done with you and a should have done. but , i was to selfish to spend more time with you. i know i was young and didn’t know you were dying but as your daughter i should have knew something was up. you were a happy soul and always had a smile on your face,i wish i was more like you. dad and nana tell me all the time that i’m staring to look and become just like you but i don’t see it. you mean everything to me. and i wish you could have taken better care of your self in the past, because maybe you’d still be here to mother me in becoming a women. but i’m doing fine myself i guess. my heart will forever have a huge chunk in from when you left to be with your mom. now poppy is there with you and grandma. seeing poppy in his death dead crushed my heart in little peace’s and i’m trying to gather it all up. it reminded me of when we were at your viewing and you were laying there lifeless. i told myself i wasn’t going to cry when i walked up to see you but the tears came rushing. the last thing poppy told me was he loved me. and i tell my self that’s the same thing you told told me too before you died. a few days before he past we were on facetime and he was telling me i’m beautiful and all of the above, and i couldn’t do nothing but cry. he knew he was dying and the whole family went to see him. his skin looked like plastic and he didn’t look like the old happy self he was. i will forever be thinking of you and what life may be if you were here. there was so many things i should have told you but didn’t… when i go to your grave my minds blank. i’m not sad and i’m not happy i’m just there. i don’t even like going to see your grave because it does nothing… it won’t bring you back and it’s not like your there to talk or even laugh and i need to realize that already. you’re dead …hmmm i don’t know what to say anymore. i miss you a lot rn yk and you’re not here with me .. your not here to cry on, you’re not here to see me grow , you’re not here to let me rant to you and it hurts a lot .. i want to know how you died but everyone says “ i’ll tell you when your older” but as your daughter i should know ,i should know the reason why are you aren’t here.. it’s beyond frustrating. and what hurts more is when people bring up there mom and talk about the things they did with them knowing i can’t do those things with you. i’ve passed all this year and i’m going to the academic banquet and i get to go to the nchs meeting because the teachers think i’ll make it to be in it next year. i do good in school because i don’t want to for sports .. but dad is focused on us doing our best but it’s hard sometimes to try and be my best for him try and make him proud. i’m maturing .. now i realize how to treat people and how to consider how they feel .. emily came into our lifes and i treated her so badly in the beginning and now we’ve grown really close and i’m proud of myself for that. i have a new friend and i love her and her family so much but everyone doesn’t see that she makes me happy she understands the pain i’m feeling and helps me get through it. i used to sh because it was a gateway and know i know that it doesn’t solve anything.. you feel the same pain your felt before you did it. she’s helped me in many ways that no one else seemed to be able to . she’s a good person and i’m grateful i got to know her and be close to her. i feel like you’d like her ..