Tim,
Once I believed you could read my mind &see into my very heart & soul. I hope that was true & still is. If not, I hope these words reach you somehow. And so Sweetie, forgive me if I expound one last time.....
You were my best friend, lover, partner & confidant; my champion & my critic; the smile on my face & a pain in my "arse". We said there was no you or me, only "us" & "we". My belief in your love & our future together was my strength & sustained me when we were apart. You were my greatest joy, & finally my deepest sorrow.
This is the 2nd time I have felt the horrible pain of losing you. Life threw us curves. The oilfield is a demanding mistress & kept us apart when we needed each other most. Time apart took its toll. When you told me you wanted a new life without me, my world imploded. "We" had died, & I grieved over the loss of"us", & of you. To stop the pain, I tried to stop loving you. I buried all of the good memories behind a wall of anger. We fought as fiercely as we had loved. You said you changed your mind & wanted to stay. But hurtful words spoken in anger could not be unheard by either of us. Soon a house full of animosity was all we shared & divorce became the only option. You moved on. I told myself I had too. I had convinced myself I was getting good at being just me again. Until I saw you Thanksgiving & you wanted to share a beer like old times. I realized I hadn't moved on as much as I thought. Being "just me" around you was too new & still painful, so I shut you out & sent you away. I remember thinking "later, there is plenty of time for this later, when my feelings aren't so raw".
But we weren't given time. You left this world for a better one too soon. So again I mourn your loss. But this grief is different: just as deep, but more gentle. You took my anger with you when you passed. A void was left. The good memories & feelings I had suppressed came rushing in to fill it. And with them came forgiveness & gratitude for having shared even a portion of your life & love. Even with all the absences during our 15 years, you gave me as many memories to cherish as many couples share during a lifetime. I am blessed to have the family & friends you brought into my life, & all our 4 legged "children". It helps to think of you with so many of them now. You will remain alive & loved in the minds of those still here until we join you again.
You asked me last summer if I would shed a tear when you died. You doubted I would. In my pain & anger, I honestly didn't know. I wish I didn't know now, because I cry each day . And then I remember you happy, walking on "our" beach in Ababa at sunset, leaving footprints in the sand like those you left on my heart. And I smile past the tears.
I will never forget the way your smile could light up your face, the twinkle in your eyes, the warmth of your embrace, the simple pleasure of holding your hand, or the sound of your voice when you called me "Strange".
I loved you then, now & always.
I am glad we didn't miss the dance.
SWAK