ForeverMissed
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a master gardener

Share a special moment from Willard's life.

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May 17, 2020
by Debbie Morris
Dearest Clark
your loving words brought tears to me.  My whole being understands your loss and longing.  You continue to honor Bill and your loving relationship with your  memories and sharing your dreams.
i miss him also.  He was so important in Tim’s life I would love to visit with him and have him bring memories to life for me. 
I wish you only the best as you move forward without your Bill.  I pray for the strength it takes to move forward each day without my Tim.
bless you Clark.  Thank you for sharing

He came to me in a dream

May 17, 2020
by Clark .
This is a story that I never told Bill while he was still with us, but I wish I had.  I think he would have enjoyed it.

Many, many moons ago, Bill came to me in a dream. This was before I ever met him in real life.

I was attending local college up in Washington state. And even then, I knew I was naturally inclined towards older men.

I had a yearning to love, and to be loved, by someone special, in a way that no other love could be experienced. 

And so one night, standing outside, in the front of my childhood home, a shooting star blazed across the sky.  That night I wished that there would be someone I could love, and who would love me in return.

Sometime thereafter, I don’t recall exactly when, but one early morning, around 6 AM, during deep REM sleep, Bill came to me in a dream.

It sounds crazy, I know. 

But in the dream, he was wearing his baby blue robe.  And he wore those big, round, nerdy glasses - the same glasses, he used to wear when I first met him.

I could see his face vividly in the dream, even though I had never met him before.

And then a feeling of love, and high-vibrational energy, washed over me, and I woke up that morning, I went to school that day, and I felt my that something would manifest, and change my life forever...

It was not until a season or two later that I would come to know and meet Bill in real life.

Since his passing over a year ago, Bill has come to me in my dreams a few more times.

The first time was on his birthday last year.  As if flying down from the heavens, he simply came and he kissed me.  It was brief, but it just felt so real.  It warmed my heart, and it gave me strength to carry on that day.

The second time was a summer ago.  Dreams are often garbled, and its meaning unclear, but in this dream, I could hear his voice clearly, and he spoke to me.  He said something to the effect, “when you have someone special in your life, you just know.”

Then abruptly I awoke, but I wished I could have kept on dreaming - that I could have stayed asleep and hear his voice again.  I think he was trying to remind me that we shared something very special.  A love uncommon, and to never forget.

And the last time, was just in this past week – always early in the morning before awaking – I dreamt of his warm embrace. The moments in my life, when I was the happiest.

Especially during trying times like these, I just wish I could hug and hold him again.

I used to say to him, “how come every time I hold my honey, everything just feels right in the world?”

And he would respond to me, in a loving and playful manner, “oh, you just a connee.”

But, of course, I was always sincere.  Because it really did.  That’s exactly how I felt whenever I hugged him. And it made him feel good in that moment, too.

I’ve dreamt about Bill many more times than that, but it was always in passing.  Meaning, I had projections of him in my mind, but he never interacted with me in those dreams.  His energy never manifested into something tangible I could sense and feel deep within my heart.

A long story short –  Bill was meant to be.  He was meant to be a special part of my life.

He brought me so much joy and happiness, I could never thank him enough. His energy, and his love remains with me always.

Happy 20th Anniversary, honey.  I love you, and I miss you so much.  And I remember, always, the countless times, when you would respond to me, “Boochie, I love you, too”

Thank you, my booch. You are everything that I ever could have wanted.

a hand written note from Bill

May 17, 2020
by Clark .
Recently found this note from Bill in an old photo album:

That's why I find strength and comfort in my memories. 

Those who bloom in the hearts of others never fade away. 

as time goes by

November 27, 2019
by Clark .
As Time Goes By, the song featured in the classic film Casablanca—that was the song that Bill requested the lounge performer play for us, when he and I were first dating. We were at a piano lounge in Vancouver B.C. on Davies street. I will always remember that evening.  Bill was such a romantic at heart.

Years later, he would hum that song and similar songs, and he would always be off-key, but it was always music to my ears.  Because in those moments when he would hum, were the moments when he was the happiest.

As time goes by, I continue to carry on, and I still miss Bill every day.  I often wish that I could turn back time 20 years, and do it all over again.  I would again in a heartbeat.

I always told him how lucky I was to have met him, and he would reply to me that he was the lucky one.  He was such a sweetheart.

But I know that I must continue to move forward.  There’s no turning back time.  There are only memories, and thoughts of how I can honor Bill and his legacy.

I made it through this past summer, for the most part, by staying busy with my new business, but this time of year, as the nights are longer, I am reminded of Bill.

I would come home from work, and it would be like Santa’s little workshop at the house.  He would be decorating the tree by now.  He would be working from his Rolodex full of names from A-Z, each day writing hand-written Christmas cards, ready to send out early. He shopped gifts for so many people--many months, if not years, in advance.  He was always thinking about other people.

He loved doing it, but it was a lot of work.  When he was stressed out during the holidays, he would tell me that he sometimes wished he was on an island in the south Pacific somewhere.  Perhaps he was thinking back to his younger years when he was serving in the Navy or flying with Pan Am.

This is my first Thanksgiving without Bill.  In years past, we would drive up to Calistoga and spend it with “the boys” Jim and Ernie.  That was always a great time.  Good food, great wine, and lots of fun memories.

This time of year is going to be hard for me, but one way I continue to heal my heart is by practicing gratitude. Bill did so much for me, and brought so much joy into my life, that I cannot thank him enough.

There are a lot of people in this world who don’t get to experience the kind of love that I’ve known with Bill, and for that I will always be fortunate. 

Certainly I miss his companionship, and I would give anything to be able to hug him again, but there is no void in my heart.  It is always filled with the love that he has given me.

And as time goes by, I will always be thankful for him.

Response to Clark’s End of Era posting.

May 18, 2019
by Tim Morris

That was lovely Clark.  Anyone who knew Bill understood he loved you and you continue to display your love and devotion in the manner you are handling this loss in your life.

I believe that you could easily turn the tributes around and not be surprised about Bill posting like feelings about you.

Debbie and I think of you often and pray for strength and peace as you adjust to your loss.

Please keep in touch

the end of an era

May 17, 2019
by Clark .

I cannot help but to feel blue today.  For today, Bill and I would be celebrating our 19th anniversary.

It is the end of an era.

For an idea of how long we were together, dial-up Internet was still a thing, and 9/11 hadn’t happened yet.

Bill has been a part of my daily life for so long, and now that he is gone, I miss him so much.

He was truly special.  He was everything I could have hoped for, and these have been the best 19 years I have ever known.  The heartache that I am going through today, I would not trade it for anything in the world.

Bill was the great love of my life.  He really was.

He was my sunshine, and he brought so much joy, and beauty into my life.  He was my companion, my best friend and partner.  He loved me unconditionally like no one else could, and he accepted me as I am, despite all my flaws and weaknesses.

How does one replace something like that?  The short answer is, you don’t.

It’s the little things about Bill that I miss the most.  I miss talking to him after a long day at work.  I miss his cooking.  He made the best cioppino.

I miss our Saturday "date" nights, where we would explore a new restaurant together, and listen to romantic music in the car. 

I miss hugging and holding him, and the great affection that we shared.

I really miss his energy.  Even at ninety-two, he had such a youthful spirit, I really thought he would live to be one hundred.  He always had a positive outlook on life.  

I was looking forward to enjoying the back garden with him this summer.  The roses are now in bloom, and the garden looks as beautiful as ever.

And we had planned on a “farewell tour" together – a trip across Canada by train to Lake Louise.

When we first met, I was graduating from college, and we had our "honeymoon" in Victoria, B.C.   

We met online, we wrote, we exchange letters and greeting cards the old fashioned way.  We finally met, and just a day later, we fell in love at Butchart gardens.  Even back then he was very fond of flowers.

It reflected who he was.  The beauty and grace in his soul.

He was a true romantic at heart...

Bill and I never married due our age difference and socially accepted norms, but we loved each other very much.  

And towards the end, he didn't care who knew about us.  It was about being happy.  

And indeed he was.  He figured out the secret to being happy.  And it was in the service of others... 

Innately, Bill figured this concept out long ago.  He figured out that being in the service of others, it would be fulfilling, give him purpose, and bring him happiness.

And that’s how he lived his life.  He was a selfless individual.  

A couple weeks before he passed, I asked him if there was anything else he wanted to accomplish – if he had anything else to cross off his bucket list.

And he told me that he had lived a full life.  He saw the world.  And he had a life surrounded by friends who loved him, and dear friends whom he loved.  He was happy and he was content.

I am sad now that he is gone.  But I am happy that he was happy.  He passed on relatively pain free, and he lived a wonderful life. 

I am always going to miss him.  I've been so blessed to have been a special part of his life, and now I try to carry on without him.  

I am weary tonight, after two very difficult months, but as time goes by, I will share more of the life I knew with Bill, and the wonderful, loving and exceptional person he really was. 

 

April 15, 2019
by Barney Spera

Bill was the world champion Christmas tree decorator. He was an artist at Christmas time. A gentle kind man who could empty your wallet if you were foolish enough to play gin or cribbage with him.  We exchanged Christmas cards for over fifty years. We loved to call each other " old fart".  I will miss chatting with him and discussing our various old age ailments. I would tell him that " I still have a pulse".  When I moved away from the Bay Area we were not able to spend time together. A huge regret.  Rest in peace. I am coming to join you but not right now.  Your old Buddy Barney

a hand written note by Bill

March 31, 2019
by Clark .

Special friends are always in the mind and spirit, and most of all, special friends are close in heart.

Special friends are those who never seem too busy to lend an ear or do a thoughtful [act]

But accept your strength and weakness together whether you are right or you are wrong.

Special friends are always there in good or bad times. 

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