ForeverMissed
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8/21/22

August 22, 2022
by Tram Kibara
just another 'normal' day of the year - no occasion or anything special. we were just having breakfast when T. said she wanted to go see daddy. Since we were talking about other daddies, we asked which daddy did she mean. she said "daddy Alex". 

so we went to the garden, picked up some sunflowers and went to 'see' daddy. E. always loves to place flowers in the vase for daddy. he asked, again, if we can dig up the dirt so we can see daddy since mommy told him that daddy's no-longer-working-body is down there. he'd ask a few more times. he'd say that daddy is playing hide and seek and we should go find him. 

mommy had to remind him that daddy died, that he can't come back anymore, his body doesn't work, and he can't come... 

he wasn't having it this time. he continued to say that he wanted daddy to be here and just started crying and aching for his daddy. it was the longest 30' of a parent's life. the feeling of helplessness and wondering if there is any purpose or reason for this like people like to say.

he's 4.5 years old now. he was 2 when daddy passed. most of the memories are really stories told by mommy but mommy can be wrong. children do indeed remember beyond the capacity to recall them memories vividly. 

just another day in the moving-forward-in-grief journey,

Father’s Day 2022

June 19, 2022
by Tram Kibara
3 years ago we spent Father’s Day in the psych ward - the beginning - or maybe the ending - of the downfall of your mental illness leading to your death 10 months later… :( 
You were so optimistic then. It was your second Father’s Day with us and your last. You told me to go home to get some rest (I was pregnant with our second then) and that I shouldn’t worry because you would be okay. 
I wanted to believe you. I did believe you. I had to. Things were good for two weeks after you got discharged. And then everything went dark after that. 
I wonder if you see us from wherever you are. I wonder if you see the kids growing. 
April 11, 2022
by Chiru Waithaka
I saw your babies about a week ago. Your son is a spitting image of you. He reminded so much of you that it was a happy and also a sad moment. Happy because through your babies, your spirit is still here with us, sad because physically they won't get to experience your presence growing up. 
No worries tho, they're well taking care of.  Tram has stayed strong for them and they are adjusting well.  They're happy kids full of joy just like you. 
We all miss you. You're gone but forever with us❤❤❤

2nd year...

April 11, 2022
by Tram Kibara
4.11.2022

It's snowing here in Oregon - in April - very unusual. What weird and strange weather. 

It's been two years today that you died. What weird and strange concept of time.

And cool coincidence about the snow? or do you have anything to do with it?

What do I write here? Do I pour my heart and soul out so everyone can see how I grieve you? Do I inform people of how lonely and misunderstood grieving one can be? Do I share about the good memories or the not-so-lovely memories? I'm not sure. I'm not sure what people want to see. I'm not sure what you want to see. Can you even see us at all? What do I want people to see about you?

I think I'll just stop here because I feel like if I keep writing, it'll be more about me than about you. And this is a space to remember you. And I can't seem to write about you right now. That'd require me to go back at our times together. I think I've done enough of that for the last two years. And most likely forever. Maybe when I'm in a different headspace I'll write more about you love. Bye for now. 


Mother’s Day 2021

May 9, 2021
by Tram Kibara
My sister gave me some flowers for Mother’s Day. We were on our way home and Erickson said “daddy” while looking at the flowers. I asked if he wanted to go see daddy. He said yes. So we turned back around to see him. When we opened the car door, he said daddy is sad. Toward the end of the visit, he said mommy is sad. He said goodbye daddy and blew kisses while bowing down to the picture without me prompting. 
Honey, I’m comforted by our son little knowledge of you as daddy and I ache for the times you will never have with them. We miss you.

4.11.2021

April 11, 2021
by Tram Kibara
4.11.2021

This is for you babe. But more so I want to make it so others could see who you are. I can talk to you privately but we no longer have the privilege to interact with you and I want to make an attempt to share this. You're never forgotten. 

It's been a year babe that you left this earthly world. It's been longer than that that I felt left behind by you. I'd be lying if I say I never had thoughts of resentment and anger toward you for leaving me because I did. The longer you're gone though, the more I'm able to separate you from your illness that brought out the worst in you. You weren't perfect. Neither was I. But that was not all who you were. You were more than that. I know you tried your best. We both came into our marriage with our best intentions and wishes. We both wanted a family with kids running around and be the parents that we desired to be. We wanted to make each other happy. And I think we were able to do that even just for a short time.

The first time I met you, you had this brightest smile on your face and I thought you were very cute:) On our first official date so to say, you asked me "so how do you see yourself in 5 years from now?" - I teased you saying that I didn't want to be interviewed but I knew then that you were a respectable man that I could count on making my dream of having a family come true. 

You were the kind of partner that would open doors and shower me with presents and always trying to make sure that I felt special and taken care of. One time, when we were walking and clumsy me got my hand hit the car somehow, you just took my hand and kissed it. You learned how to say I love you in my Vietnamese and even in Malagasy. You learned some phrases in both languages in an effort to communicate with my loved ones and always trying to present your best to show them that I chose you rightly. You did those little things for me out of love. Sometimes they might take you a while to get them done because you're a true procrastinator but you will. You finally got some roses planted at our house shortly before you left. I never got to thank you properly for that. Or for other things that I did not see you doing for me and our family. Thank you mpenzi <3

You always reminded me how beautiful I am especially when I doubted myself. You made sure that I knew you treasured my good heart. It's probably the highest compliment that I'd ever got from anyone. You always saw the best in me and encouraged me to stay true to myself.

We got engaged two weeks before I left for my Peace Corps journey in Madagascar. Even though you were devastated, you let me go. You wished me "success, fulfillment of [my] desires and more so the courage to face each day with tremendous joy." After 3 months in training and first month in my community, I witnessed a stillbirth and completely broke down and just wanted to go home. It was your perfect chance to say yes, come home love. But you didn't. You reminded me why I wanted to go there in the first place. You reassured me of how brave and strong I am. You told me how proud you are of me. You gave me encouraging words and just listened. You knew me better than I knew myself. I'm forever grateful for that. 

Our engagement was a rough 26 months apart. Yet, you continued to choose to come back to me and stood by me. You scarified a lot of your own desires so that we could have the family that we wanted. 

You were the hardest worker I'd ever met. When you told me that you often showed up to work 30' early or even an hour before, I laughed but I so admired your dedication to your work. You'd tell me stories about your coworkers and how sometimes you needed to take on a bigger load than what your normal task was. That who you are. You were always ready to help others. I don’t think I acknowledged enough how hard working you were especially when you were working 2-3 jobs to provide for us. I so wanted you to rest and be with me that I did not fully appreciate what you did. I’m sorry babe.

When you got sick and was in the hospital and we came to visit you, you assured us that you were okay being there because you wanted me to go home and rest and take care of our family back home. I wanted you home. I wanted so badly to take away your pain and sufferings. I failed. You continued on fighting that cruel disease that consumed your thoughts and shadowed your caring heart. One by one, we started leaving you with your own pain. Our fears and short-comings prevented us to be there with you. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to be there like I vowed to to comfort you in your darkest moments. For the little faith that I have left in me, I hope that you were comforted by His grace then and during your last seconds.

Last but not least, I want to tell the world what a loving father you were. You left me memories of you being a daddy that I could now use to show Erickson and Teresa who you are and how loved they are by you. You would call Big man Eriko and Sweet Teres. When Erickson was born and had to be transferred to the NICU at a different hospital, while checking in with me, you were there for him constantly. You wouldn't leave his sight. The way you looked at him brought joy to my heart then that if anything ever happens to me, I knew that he would have you to hold dearly. When Teresa was born, you were overjoyed. It was especially hard for you then as you were struggling with your illness, but you still tried to be there for me and for them, if not through your presence then through your gifts and words. Your last email to us said, 

“[...] If there’s anything else I can do, please don’t hesitate to let me know. Have a beautiful afternoon. We love you, I love you and let Eriko and Teres know they are appreciated, honored, loved, and wisely growing up. 
Give them the best tender care you can and have a blessed weekend. Loved you then, now, and afterwards. Bye-bye for now!”

Bye-bye for now love. You are always in my heart. I miss your physical presence and the short good times that we had. I miss you as my husband and the father of our kids. I’m still confused at times how you did not get to continue living and enjoying the life that you created but I hope that wherever you are, you are being celebrated for your kindness and contributions to this world. 

Until we meet again,
Yours always,
em


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