The beginning
Baby Steven,
The very first few weeks of your life are collaborated into this brief video. I think everyone assumes because you were a 24 week preemie that you were almost "supposed to" pass away given the circumstances. But that wasn't the case or at least not for you. I'd love to know what the hell happened after being in a NICU for 4.5 months and on the verge of a homecoming that changed in what feels like less than a blink of an eye. You were so strong and I was the most proud mama there could ever be. You went through major struggles but surpassed every worst expectation just as I knew you would. I remember when I believed this area of your life was the hardest of times... but you made it through surgeries, brain bleeds, MRSA, pneumonia, a steroid overdose, human error (according to the doctors and staff) and extubating yourself numerous times. As a critical baby, how can that happen? I have no idea but again you did bypass all of the issues and they told me to get my nursery ready... Then a year ago tonight, something changed. Nobody will talk though! At 1:30am I called to check in and was told you were ok. Then at 3:38am I received more calls telling me to get to the hospital. When I arrived, it was too late. I want to know what happened to you and what could possibly have turned in a matter of less than 3 hours??? Obviously somethings wrong there and I want you to know that everyday your in my heart and mind. I am to this very day looking thoroughly into this terrible tragedy and I will never let your story go untold. Your life is worth more than any mistake whether people will ever admit to something or not. I love you to the moon and back. Remember that I was always there with you and hope and pray I eventually feel signs from you but it's so hard! You are so loved and will remain missed and continually loved until the day we meet again. I will get my answers and not because of myself but because I promised you my angel boy that I would do everything in my power to find them. I haven't given up and won't because I know and so does everyone person that knew you (even if they were staff members) that this was not the way anything would have actually happened. I love you always monkey and miss you so terribly. Your entire family does and I hope and pray that uncle Steven and you are together in heaven waiting till I arrive along with the rest of your family as the time passes! Ugh.... I wish you were here and you should have been angel! All my love forever! Mommy!