Bernadette spent a lot of time with her nephew.  She thought him how to prepare healthy meals, set a table, use utensils and clean.  He is very smart like her, articulate and funny.  He told her one day,  "I dont have to do anything at home, it's paradise!"  He kept me and bernadette laughing.

 She always had heart to heart talks with him.  We had so much fun together.

 My baby could do many things.  She took singing lessons.  She would practice at home in san antonio when she visited.  Then The next year she sang to me as we drove in my car.  She was so good.  

Oh yes, she took guitar lessons also.  The guitar in the background  looks like the one she has.

She got a trainee job at LeReve, a french restaurant in San Antonio Texas.  She wanted to learn all she could about cooking from the best.

But the first meal she prepared was when she was 8 yrs old.  She made a pizza from boxed ingredients.  She never stopped cooking from that day forward.

I think she wanted to be everything, maybe in a way, she had a feeling she had to do many things at once,  because she didn't have time to waste.  She was so hungry for knowledge.  Learning was her passion.  

In Oct 2010, she gave me a surprise visit at work, while I was going thru orientation.  She was waiting in the parking lot.  When I saw her she got out of the SUV waving at me to get my attention.  It brought  instant happiness to my heart to see her. 

How did you figure out where I would be?  It was a large campus and It had been very difficult for me to locate that building.

"oh, I just had the officer show me where orientation was held." 

The next day, my coworker asked me, who was that?  I told him she was my daughter. 

Oh, she is about 18?

No, I said, she is 38,    He was very surprised.  Bernadette looked like my baby all her life.  She'll be young forever.

When we lived in san antonio, We were having a pot luck at work and I told bernandette that I was told to bring ground beef.  I'm just going to brown ground beef with salt and pepper. 

Mom, just ground beef?  Yep, I said.  That's what they said. 

you can't just bring gound beef, I'll cook something for you.  She made a dish called Picadillo.

 For some reason, the girls were eagerly awaiting my dish at work.  I mean, I was just going to bring ground beef!   Bernadette's dish disappeared so fast, there  wasn't even juice left in the bowl.  All the other dishes had left-overs.

  The compliments about the dish kept coming, 
"You made that, oh, it was so gooood."  I had to keep saying, no my daughter made it.    She saved me from being embarrassed about my cooking skills. I always wonder, are they going to leave my food there, but not this time.  I was proud.

I told bernadette, your dish was a big hit. 

Bernadette's cat.  She adored him.  He is now 19 yrs old.  Bernadette was

20 yrs old When Romeo was born.  She spent thousands of dollars keeping him healthy,

by taking him to the vet regularly.  He takes off and leaves for days, giving Bernadette a heart attack, but he always returns.  He is old and frail now. 

Bernie was afraid he would not survive too long.  Not too many Cats  live this long. 

Romeo always comes, when he hears me crying.  He will climb up to my chest and put his paw on my shoulder as if hugging me.  He has done that so many times.  Even when he is outside and he hears me, he starts meowing and scratching the screen door. 

Walking around Georgetown with you one day, we came across a small church.  You asked if we could go in for a bit.  We entered, and we spent some time, it was just us two and maybe a few other people.  You loved it, and then you said, "Isn't this church great?  i wonder what the acoustics sound like..."  as i turned to walk the other way, i looked back at you in amazement...you began to sing Ave Maria.  I never knew you could sing Bernadette!  Everyone paused and just stared at you, because you sounded like an angel.  That's what i loved most about you, when you felt something, you never hesitated, you just did it.  You lived in the moment! 

She invited me to lunch in Baltimore in January 2011. She came to Hopkins to get advice on treatment options. They couldn't help her.  I hadn't seen her since Rome 2004. I felt I couldn't help her but I told her whatever I knew about cancer. We had lunch at a bistro on Charles Street in Baltimore, never went there before but it was perfect, just the way she liked it: classy, small, european, quaint, quiet, and beautiful. She paid for lunch. She insisted. I knew when she left at Penn Station that it was going to be the last time I would ever see her, but she wouldn't let me be emotional. I only now appreciate her life. I wish I had been more involved. She was just so positive. I will always remember her and her energy, her compassion,  will be with me always.

I will never forget her generosity. I was in Rome in 2004 and she happened to be there. She invited me to stay with her so that I wouldn't have to spend money. She then showed me around Rome. I will never forget that. She never expected anything from anyone. She took me to a pizza place that was so lively and exciting, she then showed me around the monuments and night life: Trevedi Fountain, the Parthenon, cafes, and restaurants.

We were watering some of her plants on the patio and she told me "Remember to include herbs in your garden, and organic vegetables."  We were going to plant a garden together as soon as I bought another house.  

With sadness I asked?  "What about your garden?  You won't be growing your garden, now. "

She told me, "Honor me by growing it for me. Grow all the things I would have grown."

but it won't be the same, nothing will ever be the same without her.  She made everthing better, more enjoyable, worth while.  

  She had wanted to teach others to grow their own healthy organic fruits and vegetables.  She went to Master gardener classes and was in love with it.

I met Bernadette earlier this year.  She glowed with energy and enthusiasm and love of all that is around her.  We may have lost an angel here, but heaven definitely gained one.  Bernadette, you are missed.

I saw Bernadette earlier this year, and she was so positive, hopeful, and radiant. She taught me to have faith in myself and to always keep reaching for my goals with dignity and courage. She will be greatly missed.

She loved you like a sister, Norina.  I know that for a fact.

Mom, we don't have much time

lay down next to me

Don't waste time with cleaning

come here and talk to me.

You give me comfort, mom

Don't leave me for a minute

Don't stay away so long

I want to die in your arms.

                                    I did not know what an honor,

                                    what a great honor she was bestowing 

                                    on me.  To want to spend her last                                                                                                                                                                                                       moments on earth,  in my arms.

There is a glow to the right of the wreath.  It comforts me.  Tells me God is near her.

It is like the light we see when we die. Bright white.

Enjoying traditional Lebanese Mezza meal at the Lamb House in Beirut.  She was always eager to try new cuisines and food and wanted to sample everything.  Her love of exploration was one of her many endearing qualities.

I know bernie was already God's angel. Why else did she look so radiant.  light was eminating from within her face. It was a beautiful saintly glow. I am so glad I told her about it, it made her happy. she smiled. Her face was more beautiful then I had ever seen it before.   youthful, flawless baby skin. I think god was letting me know she was leaving soon.  

"That's me mom, cause I worry about you, when I am gone."  She pointed out this picture to me when we were eating at a restaurant, after one of her  treatments at the cancer center.  "Who is going to take care of you when you are old?"

She was more concerned about me then her.   So I took a picture of it  to remember the moment.

We would talk, and she would ask me what kind of food I wanted to eat.  I told, her
anything, as long as I have flour tortillas and salsa. She would laugh.  "But, never feed me with a spoon, I hate spoons unless it is soup" I told her.  OK mom, I'll remember that.   I'll take care of when you are old mom.  

She had that on her mind til weeks before she left us.  "Mom I think Eddie will be able to take care of you. I think so."  What a loving heart she had.  

Iife without you is no life at all.

 

 She always took me out to lunch for Mother's Day.  It was no different last mother's day.  No matter how sick she was.  This is in 1991.  She never forgot my birthday either. On Mother's Day, she always gave me a corsage.

She knew I loved her cooking, she was the best cook.  She cooked for me many times, but when she was very ill she cooked less and less.  However, this day I went to run an errand for her and when I came back she had prepared lunch for me.

"Oh My love, you shouldn't be getting up and cooking."  She was very weak by then, she could only be on her feet minutes at a time.  

She said.  "I just wanted to cook for you because you do so much for me."   

Bernadette was an intern and was later awarded two fellowships.  Although, this awards are reserved for Post-Doctoral Fellows, she got two as an undergraduate Student. 

She asked me that  question once. She was sad when she asked me.  "Jealousy is usually the reason", I said. She never envied anyone.  She made them feel good about their accomplishments.  Congragulated them and was sincere.  I wrote this poem, cause  we never know what life holds for each person.  We only have one chance to show love and joy for other's accomplishments and small breaks in life.  

 Don't envy the things I have, be happy for me.

you don't know the things I lack,

You don't know how much time I have.

Be thankful for what you have, for I think you have it all.

I wish you well, I wish you more.

I look happy all the time.

It doesnt mean I don't ache inside.

It doesnt mean I don't cry at night.

Why aren't you happy for me, you don't know the things I lack.

Wish me well, don't envy the things I have. 

I found this essay Bernadette wrote in 2002, shows her writing talent and dry humor.

Experience In writing

     As far back as I can remember-I have enjoyed reading.  My mother read to me as an infant and throughout my childhood, all the classic children's stories.  This set the foundation for my future interest in reading literature.  I appreciate all forms of literature and expose myself to a variety of genres.  My interests vary and depend upon what I hope to gain from that which I am reading.  For example, should I happen to be seeking knowledge on the success of a fortulne 500 company, reading books authored by their past chief executive officers, are of great interest to me.  The Franklin Covey store carries an excellent selection of books in this area-some which added to my ever-growing repertoire of business reading.

     My experience in reading poetry is limited to what I have been forced to endure during high school and during a freshman English course in college.  My attempt to comprehend poetry was a laborious task, which wained on my patience and challenged my attention span to its limits.  During the past couple of years, I have had the honor of being on the receiving end of many original pieces of poetry and prose, which has been written by a gentleman, who is eager to win my affection.  Poetry written especially for me is flattering naturally, but it has also sparked my desire to further understand the classical and contempary poetry, which I have gone to great lengths to avoid, untill now.

(she wrote several more paragraph about her love of reading and she ended her essay as follows):

     The earliest memory I have, of wanting to become a writer, is when I entered a national writing contest for EXTRA magazine.  I was in the sixth grade and competed against students within all grades of middle school, my story was selected as the winner and published.  The feeling I had writing my story was thrilling, the creativity flowed on to the paper so naturally, I remember not wanting to stop.  I had other chapters I could include, but it was a short essay contest and words were limited.  I enjoyed writing more than the actual receiving of the award, but I knew then that I would spend my life writng and reading many, many books.

One small correction, Bernie was actually in the 2nd or 3rd grade when she won this award because We lived in Hawthorne ca.   When she was in 6th grade we live in palmdale ca.  I am so glad i kept the certificate, i wish i had kept the copy of the story that was published

My darling got cancer, which progress, because of the negligence of many doctors.  The original surgery was postponed, then when done, it was not done by the standard of care.  so a lot of time was wasted, time that the cancer used to spread.

When the cancer came back, Post Op 30 days, the LAC/USC "doctors" kept sending her away telling her that It was just post op pain.   She told multiple doctors she had pain and she felt like she had a Mass in her colon,  but they ignored her giving her stool softeners. She told Dr. Manijeh Torki, Dr. Hannah Moon, Dr. Merieme Klobocista.  Dr Klobocista refused to give her pain medicine.  "You need to be evaluated if you need narcotics."  She told her. My daughter only said. " I need something stronger then motrin."  Test were not done to determine what was causing the pain and the feeling of being blocked.   This Dr. Klobocisa also refused to let her go on disability, saying you are 8 wks post op, you don't qualify for disability.  After 5 months of neglect and suffering, she took herself to the ER with pain and abdominal swelling.  The cancer was blocking her colon.  As if nothing, they just came back to tell her, there is nothing we can do.  You have 4 months to 2 yrs to live.  Although a UCI  doctor, Dr. Monk,  did perform surgery and started chemo, she got 5 more good months of life before the cancer returned.  This time no other treatments were available.  Her spirits were crushed, her health declined after that.  But she never cried again.  She died 1yr and 3 months after the last surgery.

I hate this doctor's from LAC/USC I wish them the worse possible life they can have.  I wish them equal suffering, just like they inflicted on my daughter.