Hello everyone, Chris asked me to share my thoughts about Gwen's service yesterday. Chris is a word guy who likes details, and the only way I know to do that is stream of consciousness which means it will be a chore to read. Perhaps you can skim for highlights and ask other people who were there to give a more concise, well-constructed vision of the day. For Chris, I want to do what I can to make him feel like he was there.
Auntie Beth
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Thursday morning 6am
I am going to play for the service which isn't a big deal, but I don't know what any of the music will be, so I need to get up pretty early. It's a 3 hour drive and I want to to go to Peggy and Bart's house first then to the church to meet with the staff before the 1pm service. It's a beautiful day, fairly chilly, and the drive is easy. Highway most of the way, light traffic until Charlotte where I pick up I-77, I cringe when I think of that highway. At 9am Charlotte traffic is heavy but when I exit to go to Ft. Mill it's much better. Beautiful countryside, lots of trees, peaceful. I follow the gps to get to Peggy and Bart's house and notice they live in a nice neighborhood. Pretty houses, well kept, walking trails.. I'd like to live here. I pull up to their house and see there are lots of cars in front. I am happy and then sad because no one should be at home since it's a Thursday morning at 9:30am.
I ring the bell and almost immediately it opens and I see one person I recognize right away and one who takes a moment to register. Hannah looks beautiful and is wearing a black and white dress with some very bright purple, green and black, peacock knee socks. I don't mean peacock colors, I mean they have peacocks on them and she looks great. The other person looks like the cover of a romance novel that is based in the 1800s. He has longish hair, a devilish grin, is very tall and handsome and reminds me of a little boy I used to know named Owen. Except I've seen Owen in the last couple of years and this can't be him. But it is. We hug and they thank me for coming and welcome me. I don't know what to say. Almost automatically I start to ask "how are you?" and stop myself since... well, how can they be? Then a striking, young man whom I know is Antonio (Hannah's fiance) comes over and hugs me. They all look sad, but OK, and as hard as it is, I feel they are drawing strength from one another.
On to the next room. I look for Peggy.. there she is. She is beautiful and has no idea. She isn't wearing any makeup and still looks like a model. She is in pain, deep, deep pain, but she is pushing through it to be a gracious hostess. We hug for a while and I notice how thin she feels through her lovely blue sweater and wonder if she's been able to eat. Probably not much. I ask if she's been sleeping and she says she's been sleeping pretty well, although when she wakes up it's tough to go back to sleep. Wait... OMG, that's Dotty!!! I didn't know she was going to come,but she did and does she never change? She looks exactly the same as she did 10 years ago, I think she' s struck a deal with a devil, she looks great, gives a semi-wicked smile and gestures to Seth, who has made the same deal (maybe a bogo?) and looks like he hasn't aged a day in the entire time I've known him. He does have a beard now, and hasn't always. so I guess he likes more variety than .E does. I love the way the house feels.
I was thinking about what it would have been like on a typical evening if they were together watching tv when I notice someone who reminds me of my brother David. I do a double take and realize it's Dan. Dan came!!! I am so happy he was able to do that and wonder how he made it work on such short notice. I also wonder when he began to look like David because I've never noticed it before. It's the eyes.. Anyway, I was looking for limping, wailing, hearing loss, other parts of his body having been torn off or broken since that's kind of his thing, but instead he looked like a handsome, distinguished financial executive.
Then I notice the swing set in the backyard and the beautiful lawn. I notice the rich royal blue wall and the sequoia wall near it, the tile floor, the wood, the placement of the furniture and how happy and warm it feels in there. I think about how Gwen lived in a great house, and was a lucky girl. Her whole life was spent in a happy home with a loving family.
Then I noticed on the porch there were 2 men, Bart and Bart's brother and I thought... how is Bart handling this, it must be so hard. How are any of them handling this? I see pain everywhere and strength and taking turns passing it around. Graham is sad and quiet, I worry, then I see him singing something to himself and think he'll be OK. Hannah looks so pensive, then she's furiously coloring socks for the girls on Gwen's soccer team to wear at the funeral. Gwen's funeral. It can't be, that can't be right. How are they doing it? So I watch some more and see them pass the strength around. Hannah puts her hand on Bart's hand and squeezes it. Then Graham leans into her and she rubs his back. Hannah gets teary and Antonio puts his arm around her. Peggy leans into Bart's shoulder, Peggy hugs Owen. Dan is there, Dotty is there, the sense of family is there, and it seems (to me) like everyone is there. Steel Magnolias. I tell them Jamie and Margaret are flying in and will be at the service, but they already know. McDowells from Colorado are coming. It feels like Grandma, Grandpa, all their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are there wrapping their love around Peggy, Bart, Hannah, Owen and Graham, and it feels like Gwen is there, wishing they didn't have to hurt so much, but knowing they do.
Bart has changed clothes for the service and comes out looking fabulous in a black and gray outfit and I wonder, do you say "you look great" to someone in these circumstances? But they do, they all look great and they all radiate strength and integrity and love and I wonder if they are able to feel much of anything.
I realize I have to get to the church and rush away. I meet with the staff and being to play at 12:30pm. Unlike most memorial services I've been to, Peggy and Bart came into the sanctuary at 12:30pm and sat down. I wonder what to play first and remember Peggy saying on the phone that she really likes the song "Hosea" and that what she wanted more than anything was to be comforted. "Hosea" isn't in their hymnal so we couldn't sing it, so I thought-- I can play it for her and try to make it sound comforting. I start and hope that (in musical terms) I can get out of the way, allow myself to be a conduit and hope she will hear something comforting in the notes. After playing for about 30 seconds I see her get up, walk across the floor over to me and think she's going to ask a question like "Aren't we going to sing that?" Instead she says "That's perfect, that's what I wanted." and she hugged me. I hugged her back and continued to play with one hand.
I continue to play until the service starts and am able to watch all these steel magnolias walk in. Dozens of them. I am sad to say that I have played for a number of funeral services for young people and there is usually a lot of angst and drama. 90% of their young friends and family members handle the service OK, but I've never played for one where someone didn't pass out during the service. Those services are usually very crowded, they can get very hot, the kids might not have been eating, drinking or sleeping well, they are shocked and grief stricken and by the end of the service someone has to have help leaving or be carried out. This was different. This was like the scene at Peggy and Bart's house. Dozens of girls who remind me of Gwen. Tall, athletic, poised, polite, well dressed, joking, but only appropriately so. respectful. kind. First two rows must have been her volleyball team. Beautiful girls, tall and gorgeous in black dresses, all wearing wild knee socks. Holding hands on and off. Tearing up, smiling. Squeezing each other's hands. Listening attentively. More and more girls like that come in, they can't all be on the volleyball team can they? but the same... poised, polite, well-mannered, good-natured, mostly in black dresses with wild knee socks. The church filled up, it was time for the service to start, the rest of the family members came in and joined Peggy and Bart and we went through the mass.
Owen does the first reading. I should remember it but I don't. (I"m sorry, I should.. it's important.) I noticed what a beautiful speaking voice he has and that he reads it confidently, without pausing and with good emotion. Hannah goes up for the psalm and response, which I have to play. She has a lovely speaking voice as well, and I was really impressed by something she did automatically.
This wasn't my church and I wasn't sure about anything I was doing.
Hannah read each verse, paused appropriately, then looked over at me to indicate when it was time to do the musical response.
In my experience, very few seasoned readers know to do that and for her it was automatic.
I am confused again and don't remember precisely what was read, but I believe Antonio did the second reading and Dotty read the "Lord, hear our prayer..." segments. I guess I'm more aware of the readers than the readings, shame on me, but they both have wonderful, warm, soothing voices. I don't know if that's why they were asked, but every single person who read had a great voice for it, clear and soothing.
The sermon was focused on pain and dealing with pain. I think the priest did a great job, it was clear he wanted to give the family hope that although they will never get over this loss, they will come to terms with it and learn how to handle the pain. It was almost time for me to play the last hymn when I had a passing thought filled with regret...
I know funerals and memorials are not for the person who died, but for the people left behind. it is my belief that the person who died isn't suffering, it's the people left here who are. But all day, all service.. I missed Gwen and wondered if the young people there had gotten enough closure.. there hadn't been a great deal said about Gwen's personal life...
And then a wonderful, perfect thing happened. I've never seen this in a mass before, but the priest stopped right before the closing hymn and said, "now some of Gwen's family members would like to say a few things."
YES!!! I am so happy and relieved!!!!!!!
Hannah talked about how Gwen was smart and funny and goofy and would want us to be happy, and that she believes we will all see Gwen again. How Gwen loved her ukulele and took it everywhere. How she'd play and sing for anyone who'd listen despite being shy in other ways. That one of the girls on the volleyball team had shown her something Gwen had posted that said something like "if your socks are more stylish than you are, then you're doing good".
Dan went up and read a text Gwen has sent to Peggy and Bart. He did a phenomenal job and his timing was impeccable. I hesitate to paraphrase because I think you should read it, it shows what a smart, funny, creative, wise-cracking girl Gwen was and how much she loved and trusted her parents. It was sent while Gwen was upstairs in her bedroom, to Peggy and Bart, who were downstairs just below her, as she was filling out college applications. It goes on for quite a while and I loved it.
Then 2 of Gwen's friends went up and talked about how much Gwen loved her ukulele and singing and shared that they had played together many times. They did sang and played Gwen's favorite 21 PIlot's song which they said was her favorite. They were wonderful and perfect. Which means it wasn't perfect the first time, so they started over and then did it perfectly. And they didn't get embarrassed or cringe or apologize. More Steel Magnolias.
The line to speak to the family is very long and takes at least an hour, but there doesn't seem to be a rush. Some people are eating, there's lots of wonderful food. Some are talking. There are flowers everywhere and posters of Gwen, remembrances from friends and familes, a ukulele. Gwen's ashes in a beautiful urn. Again the flash of this can't be right... Focus. Peggy and Bart, Hannah, Antonio, Antonio's mother and brother, Owen, Graham, Bart's brother who never strays too far from Bart's side. Dan, Dotty, Seth, Margaret, Jamie, McDowells from Colorado. Friends, teachers, teammates, coaches, church members.. a crowded room of people who seem in no hurry to leave, and whom I sense will be there long term for the family.
Funerals are misleading... they are very sad and very happy. We cry, we are sad. Those grieving are supported by people who rush to help The family is bombarded with food, offers of support, flowers, cards, kind words... After about a month, the family and close friends are still reeling and raw from the pain, but the initial phase of overwhelming compassion begins to subside and there can be a real sense of emptiness. I think this group will remember that and try to reach out to them over the long term. I hope so and remind myself not to make that mistake. I get to drive back to Durham and resume my routine. This family will never be the same, a year from now it will still be fresh to them, and I need to make sure they know that I haven't forgotten about their pain or precious daughter.
Love to all of you, Auntie Beth