I miss you Kathy. There are moments throughout my day when it doesn’t seem real. I think that at any minute I’ll see your name pop up in my notifications or that my mom will tell me about such sweet words you shared with her. I think about the update I have to give you about any one of my entrepreneurial or career endeavors and how you play an important role in all of them. I think about the ideas you suggested we do together.
Nobody really knows the special connection we shared, not only while I worked for Epoch, but also in the years after you left. It’s okay. They don’t have to know. We do. God does.
I find myself upset, regretting how I understood your struggles, yet I did not reach out even more. Could I have said or done something differently in recent months that would have left me feeling like I had shared it all with you? I know you know I loved you (I still do). I know you loved me too. We said it more than enough to have it woven into the fabric of our friendship.
Yet, why do I feel like I failed at saying or doing more? Why do I feel like that big hug I was supposed to get from you the next time we saw each other has forever left a hole in my heart? Why do I feel like there was so much remaining for you to do…for us to do together?
I stop every so often to cry as I type this to you. Keep in mind, I’m writing this after delaying (yet again), waiting for the perfect words and caring too much about what other people think.
Why should it matter what they think? This is about our relationship. You were my last eMom. We never did figure out if it should switch to iMom, after our other two options were definitely out of the question.
As I spend time giving extra thanks to God this week, I thank Him with all of my heart for the gift of you in my life! I thank the Lord for the many ways He used you over the years to bless my family.
I’ve told you over and over again, but perhaps not enough or not recently enough. I checked our last communication and am glad it was in recent months, but why couldn’t it have been in recent days or weeks?
Why didn’t I know you were sick? Why didn’t you call, text, message, or email me? Why didn’t you tell me something was wrong, like you did in the past? I would have been there for you again. Did you think you would bother me? I could have prayed. We could have talked. We could have just sat in silence trusting God to make sense of this all.
I’m still saddened because the Holy Spirit had such a stirring on my heart to reach out to you the week (that I know now) you were in the hospital. But I didn’t listen to Him. Instead, I doubted. I delayed, again, waiting for the perfect words and timing.
Why didn’t I find out?
Granted, who would have known to call me?
I respected you and honored the confidentiality of all we shared with each other. I would not have been top of mind for someone to reach out to me (or my mom) sooner.
I have to trust that God knows exactly what is best for all of us. On that note, despite the way we brought sparkle to each other with reminders of our faith, prayers, and Joyce Meyer’s teachings, I regretted never asking you outright if Jesus was your Lord and Savior.
I need to know you are in Heaven. It’s an absolutely real place that the lost and hurting choose to ignore, because that would mean hell is real too. It is.
I anguished about it. That is until God reminded me of some of the things you wrote me, the way you received what I shared with you, something you told my mom, and the way the Lord led me to your page after your passing. I was on a quest to find you in the presence of our Heavenly Father. In doing so, I found the most beautiful picture from one of the pages you liked…
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
That’s right, my beautiful friend. I often reminded you of how talented and strong you are with Him! Your purpose on this earth impacted more people than we will ever know!
You may not be here to see everything God continues to do in my life, Nick’s, and my mom’s, but there is one thing I will never ever doubt. It’s how I would not be the person I am today and have the opportunities I do, if it had not been for the extremely special and powerful way God used you to bless me!
Remember what we say in our family, I love you as high as the sky and as deep as the sea! You are forever a part of me!
Oh yeah, I guess you’re right. I am the bomb.
I am totally rhyming! :p
Truly, you’ve thanked me many times over the years for being there for you, but I thank YOU and love you with all of my heart!
May God calling you home be a reminder for us to cherish the moments we have with our loved ones, to not doubt or delay, embrace who we were made to be, stop caring what people think, don’t wait for the perfect words or timing, or hold back on reminding people that there is only one God, one Savior, one way!
As you have fun dancing it up with Jesus on the streets of gold, it’s my turn to say…
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!