February 20, 2023
February 20, 2023
I got married, I bought my trailer, so it’s really mine. Ramon made it to state for cross country in his senior year, and is probably going to state for track as well. He’s already gotten offers to come run for colleges! Jaxton starts regular end kindergarten in the fall. YEP REGULAR NORMAL SCHOOL, as of right now any delays he still has can be managed with have a speech therapist come in to work with him weekly. I’m proud of them and tell them everyday, you missed so much of jaxton, you would have loved him so much. He is SO smart, he is already learning to read. He’s the sweetest thing, but he’s still a handful. All that stubbornness he used in the in the nicu combined with all the ridiculous intelligence he got from his mama will be the death of me. Today is so hard, I am still so angry, and the therapy work I’m doing says anger is the mask pain wears and if you sit with it long enough, you can see the truth.
But what do I do with that, figure out why it hurts? I am too afraid to hurt others to heal my own pain. Sometimes I wish I was more like you in that regard, we didn’t know about your pain, so I guess you protected us from that, but you didn’t know how to heal, so you never taught me how to heal. I don’t want to carry your pain anymore, I don’t want the weight of this anger holding me down so I need to teach myself to heal, so I don’t pass that down anymore than I already have. Why couldn’t you tell us? We didn’t know your pain, but we saw it, I’ve spent most of my teenaged years and even adult life so focused on my weight I can’t even see myself correctly anymore, I can’t even look in the mirror. But what’s even worse? My children saw it, Ramon skips meals and is so skinny I sometimes worry about him, but he runs ALOT so I know he is conscious of his health. Mason though, masons going through something and he’s not talking, but he is gaining weight, like a lot, and I am worried, but I don’t know how to talk to him without giving him a complex. He was so young, and he loved you so much, and now he’s following in your footsteps. A lot has happened and masons in trouble and I don’t even know where to start with him. I’m trying, at least, I won’t watch him kill himself…
I’ve grown so much, you don’t have to be proud of me anymore, I am proud of myself. I am proud that I learned to stand up for mySelf, and that I am actively doing the work to be better, for myself ,AND FOR MY KIDS. I am proud of the mother I am learning to be, I am proud of my life. I’m proud of myself now daddy so you don’t have to worry. I am enough now and maybe someday when I believe it, you will see it, I wish I was enough when you were still here.
But what do I do with that, figure out why it hurts? I am too afraid to hurt others to heal my own pain. Sometimes I wish I was more like you in that regard, we didn’t know about your pain, so I guess you protected us from that, but you didn’t know how to heal, so you never taught me how to heal. I don’t want to carry your pain anymore, I don’t want the weight of this anger holding me down so I need to teach myself to heal, so I don’t pass that down anymore than I already have. Why couldn’t you tell us? We didn’t know your pain, but we saw it, I’ve spent most of my teenaged years and even adult life so focused on my weight I can’t even see myself correctly anymore, I can’t even look in the mirror. But what’s even worse? My children saw it, Ramon skips meals and is so skinny I sometimes worry about him, but he runs ALOT so I know he is conscious of his health. Mason though, masons going through something and he’s not talking, but he is gaining weight, like a lot, and I am worried, but I don’t know how to talk to him without giving him a complex. He was so young, and he loved you so much, and now he’s following in your footsteps. A lot has happened and masons in trouble and I don’t even know where to start with him. I’m trying, at least, I won’t watch him kill himself…
I’ve grown so much, you don’t have to be proud of me anymore, I am proud of myself. I am proud that I learned to stand up for mySelf, and that I am actively doing the work to be better, for myself ,AND FOR MY KIDS. I am proud of the mother I am learning to be, I am proud of my life. I’m proud of myself now daddy so you don’t have to worry. I am enough now and maybe someday when I believe it, you will see it, I wish I was enough when you were still here.