Mom,
I have been visiting your page each day but have been unable to write anything. It feels like if I write something to you then I'm acknowledging you are gone, and I still don't want to believe that you are. How can MY MOM be gone at such a young age? Nobody ever thinks it can happen to them, until it does. It all seems so unfair.
I go through many different stages each day. One minute I feel "okay", the next I'm crying because you or something that makes me think of you pops into my head and I just lose it. After that I feel so angry, angry because you are gone, angry at you for leaving me. I know that's very unfair for me to say because it's not your fault, but I just feel like how am I supposed to live the rest of my life without you? Every girl needs her mother, no matter what age they are. I hope you aren't upset with me that I didn't really stay by your side on the day you passed. I just couldn't bare to see you that way. I want to remember you smiling and full of life, not laying colorless on the floor. Not many people know how stressed and anxious I get, sometimes over nothing at all. I think I get that from you. I'm a good actress and seem like I have it all together, but most of the time I don't. Just a week before you passed I had a nervous breakdown because of all the stomach issues I was having, and I called you crying and said I couldn't leave my house to pick up my medicine. You and dad came to the rescue, but mostly you because you are the only one who can calm me down. You made me a PB&J sandwich and told me "get it together and don't cry at your husband when he gets home." You were loving but in a tough way at times, and I needed that.
Losing you makes me question everything. I keep having these thoughts like "what's the point of it all?" and "am I really living my best life?" It makes me sad to think that you didn't live your best life. You didn't have the greatest childhood, or adult life for that matter, with all your pain and suffering with your multiple health issues and surgeries. I think many people thought you were exaggerating and that a lot of it was in your head. Your death proves that was not the case. You did the best you could, you had your good days and your bad, a lot of times more bad than good. You even managed to go out and get a job, when most people in your position would never even think of doing so. You loved your job and you were good at it. You didn't make much money, but the money you did have you spent it on Adam, Dad, and I because you had such a big heart. I just want you to know that even with everything you had going on that you were the most amazing wife, mother, and my best friend.
I have so many fond memories of you growing up. You took me to get my first cat as a present for me starting kindergarten. I now have 7 pets living in my house. You taught me how to love, even the smallest creature. You always dressed me in cute little outfits and did my hair. You never really told me no, and if you did it was very rare. I had all the newest barbies and baby dolls, so many toys that you and dad had to make me a "playroom" just to fit everything. You let my friends sleepover all the time and would make us snacks and let us stay up and watch movies. You taught me how to be a real kid. Not like these kids nowadays who just play video games. You would take me out in the street and let me roller skate, you let me climb trees, you taught me arts and crafts, you helped me learn to ride my bike, you taught me how to swim. You would swim in the pool with me when we lived on E 3rd street and and I would be out there for hours and hours with all the neighborhood kids, but you never made us get out. We would still be swimming in the dark. I also remember all the BBQ's we had living at E 3rd street and all the delicious food you made. I remember our family vacations to Wildwood every summer. You and dad spent sooo much money at the boardwalk buying Adam and I whatever we wanted. Paying for food, toys, rides, arcade games, we would bring home a crap load of prizes that we won with tickets and tokens and it was probably all junk we could just buy at the store. It was just the thrill of it all winning it at the boardwalk, and you loved to see us happy. When I got a little older you let me bring a friend to Wildwood, and you gave them $100 of their own to spend on the boardwalk. I really miss those days and spending them with you.
Fast forward a bit to when I was a bratty teenager. I wouldn't listen and would talk back to you but you always put up with my crap. You were still the cool mom and would drive my friends and I all over to different concerts. You let me cry in your lap when my first boyfriend broke up with me, you told me not to worry I would have many more boyfriends. You were right, you were always right about everything. You told me that one day I wouldn't be a bratty teenager anymore and you and I would be very close. Of course you were right about that too.
I moved out when I was 20 and I feel like that's when we really started to connect more. Living at home we would butt heads a lot, but living just a few minutes away made all the difference. We would hang out all the time. Up until the day you passed we had weekly lunch dates on Saturday's. It used to be one of my favorite days of the week, because I would see you for lunch and then we would spend our day together shopping. When the weather got nicer, like it has been now, we would go to the flea markets. Saturday's are no longer one of my favorite days of the week, because now I am reminded that I can't spend them with you.
Your birthday and mother's day are coming up and I don't know how I am going to deal with that. I was planning to take you to a tea house on mother's day. That's something that we started doing together and you really loved it. It was so much fun tasting the different tea's and desserts. It's strange how things I used to love to do, and places I loved to go, I'm trying to avoid now because it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I don't know if I want to go to the tea houses, or even Longhorn as it was your favorite lunch spot. I don't even want to go to stupid dollar tree. We went every week to pick up our odds and ends and the cashier asked me where you were the other day. I just can't deal with that. At least not yet.
How will I get through the holiday's without you? I would help you decorate your house for Christmas and we would make the menu together. You are the reason I love decorating for the holiday's. Your house always looked so wonderful and welcoming. What about the food? I can never cook or bake as well as you did. I keep telling myself that if I have to cook for the holiday's I will, Dad and Adam need a nice home cooked meal. It will just never live up to yours. A few days after you passed I was at your house looking through some old photo's, and there was a container on the counter with 4 cupcakes in it. My stomach was absolutely killing me but I ate your cupcake. I even took a picture of it. I knew it was the last of your desserts I would ever eat, and that broke my heart.
What really breaks my heart is that you won't be here for all the important milestones. I'm so grateful that you got to see me get married but you won't be here to see Adam graduate, or get married, or to see dad turn 60 and retire shortly after. You two were supposed to retire together and move to Vegas. You won't be here if I have a baby, and you wanted so badly to have a grandchild. Scott and I are still unsure if we want kids. You not being here makes me feel even more unsure. Who will I go to for advice? Who will babysit? Who will plan the baby shower!? At the same time losing you makes me feel like well how could I NOT have kids? You were such an amazing mother to me and such an important part of my life, I feel that I could be a wonderful mother too. I also think about if something ever happened to Scott or I that I wouldn't want us to be alone during such a difficult time. So much to think about.
I ordered a ring that says "mom" and I had a locket made with your picture in it, that way you are always with me. I had Scott put up 3 shelves in the kitchen where I placed your urn, some memoirs, and pictures of you. I put you in the kitchen because it was your favorite place. You loved cooking and baking and I figured this way you can watch me cook and bake too. I really hope you are somewhere watching over me, because there has to be something after death. I refuse to believe that you are just "gone."
I could go on and on for days Mom but I will leave you with this. I will try my best to take care of Dad and Adam. I will try my best to be strong and live my life to the fullest, because I think you would want that for all of us. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I already decided that if I ever do have a child, and it happens to be a girl that I will name her Rachel, after you.
Love you always and forever my little mommy. Xoxoxox, as you would say.