Dear Mama.
It has only been 6 weeks since you died but it seems so long ago. I got used to having you around me even though it was only six months that I took care of you. I had adapted to not seeing you very often over the years but I called you at least 3- 7 times a week. I find myself having the impulse to call you but I cant. I say your name out loud in hopes i will get a sign you are still with me.
The first month after you died I was numb and wondered what I could have done differently to keep you alive longer. The second month I was able to reflect and be grateful for the time we had although I wished it was longer.I find myself wishing I would have brought you to my home sooner. This past two week I cant even think any thoughts I just feel pain and sadness. I want it to stop. I tell myself it is normal to feel this way and it makes me mad.
I had gotten used to not having you in my life a long time ago. It was the only way I could deal with the issues you had that I felt made it impossible for me to be a part of your life.
And then the COPD you suffered with for 8 years finally got you. As well as the hell you put your body through with your addiction to prescription drugs.
But I had always hoped that if you ever got to a point that you could not care for yourself and could not make the choices that affected your life so negatively, that I could help you. And so in April of this year that time came.
I knew last July when I had went to GA for a visits that something had changed with your health. But when you were given 6 months to live for some reason that seemed like enough time for me to take care of you and mend all the time I had missed over the years of not being with you. The first two month of caring for you I wondered if I could do it. Mainly because I was still in GA with you. But when I brought you back to Cali with me and we got your medication working right, for the first time since I was very young I felt like I had the real you. We had hours of hanging out talking laughing. For so many years we could not do this because you were either under the influence of your meds or in withdrawal from them.
But, the last few months of your life were the best for me. And now these past two weeks I don't feel grateful, I feel pain because I wanted to save you just as I always had since I was a child and I couldn't.
Some people do not understand the love I had for you because of your history. But I have always understood why you were the way you were. And I have never doubted how much you loved me and how proud you were of me. You were a kind person in-spite of your addiction. You were a loving person. You were my Mama.