Dear Papa
Babaji-Ammaji's letters written so long ago to us, first with absolute sense of loss, then with resignation to a 3 years long wait for us to return, followed by complete loss of hope as they had to leave Meerut as Babaji became severely ill but still with a tiny hope of making it long enough to see us again, again followed by absolute resignation and just wanting one thing in life that Babaji ever asked of you, of us, to take care of Ammaji - bring back so many memories. Some of them having been tucked away some place.
How he worried about Ammaji! He had never asked anything of anyone and in the end one thing he asked so desperately for, we didn't give. Ammaji suffered so badly for the following 14 long years that she lived without him! If we had only gone back... Her letters haunt me. It is hard reading them now after so long. Last I read them was with you and I am sure we cried many a tears - not that it helped her.
Papa, I know you stayed here because I said I wanted to stay, but I wish you put your foot down, went back so we could live like before - as much as was possible without Babaji, didn't resignation from government service and it would have worked out much better for our family in the end. Mummy would have gotten better medical care. Ammaji would have lived happily and Babaji's soul would have rested peacefully. How he took care of everything for her! She missed that desperately! She missed her life in Meerut even more desperately. And she missed us. In every letter she says "tum subki bahut yaad aati hai". I hear her voice every time I read it. How hers, and Babaji 's life changed so quickly! Three years must not have seem like a long time then but it ended up being an eternity for them! And for us!
I wish I had stayed with them... wish they didn't let me come with you... wish you sent me back when Babaji's letters came and showed the total sense of loss and he asked you to send me back because someone there told him how difficult it would be for me here in school.
I mostly think about Ammaji these days. I am afraid I have been thinking lot less of you as I read their letters. I think blame lies mostly with me. I think you would have gone back had it not have been my insistence to stay. I was young and selfish and too engrossed in my own life here. But maybe if you sat me down and explained and reminded me of why it was most important to go back..., I would have understood. I loved both of them very much even though I was temporarily lost in my own world.
How our lives would have turned out different and happier if we just went back! But can't go back now, can we? You are all gone. Perhaps this is my punishment to suffer this great sense of loss and burden of not doing the right thing, the only thing, we should have done. I can only promise that I will try my best from now on to do something that will make a difference in a few senior lives. I hope that through the smile of even one person, I can bring certain amount of peace to Babaji-Ammaji 's souls. This is all I can do at this point. I tried to find someone in Meerut who may be doing homeopathy or a poor student who could benefit from Babaji Ammaji's legacy but have not been successful. So I can only do something here. Even if one of the student who becomes a homeopathic doctor helps a few poor people, my effort, as small as it is, would be successful.
Papa, I hope you and Mummy are now together with them and are happy. Babaji Ammaji, while they never complained or blamed us for anything, very rarely one in my dream. But they did give me an experience that makes me believe that they are watching over me. I was desperately wishing that I could go back to our Vijaynagar home just once and like the old times be in my bed with babaji ammaji in next room. One night as I was reading or watching TV, I suddenly got a jolt and felt like I had been there momentarily and was brought back. I must have dozed or something but it was so real, as real as mummy's hug was in my dream and her voice calling my name was. And then there is Chris... How would I have met someone like him if babaji Ammaji weren't looking out for me? It was 1995, just a year and 2 months after Ammaji.
I hope you are all somewhere and that I will see you one day again.
Whenever I think of you, which is often, I always see your smiling face. Even that last time, on October 21st, 2017, the last time I saw you and hugged you, whenever I picture it, your face always appears young and smiling. You were stronger than I ever thought you were. I remember you were smiling when I saw you for the first time after your stroke on February 15th, 2013. You were in wheelchair and smiled at me. I always wonder at how you could smile in that most unexpected situation.
I loved your smile. I still do.
And miss you so very much
Your daughter