Dear Papa
I told myself yesterday that I wouldn't cry today; that I shouldn't make you sad if you are watching on this important day, at least. But it hurts so much and I don't know why but I miss you more than I miss anyone else It is so strange because to be honest, and I can be honest with you now, I loved Mummy, Babaji and Ammaji more while everyone was around because they were more around as I was growing up. May be I hurt more for you because I saw your suffering up close much more than anyone else's - even Mummy's. She hid her problems and sadness so well and did her best to be able to stay at the house - I would not call it home. But you went through so much. Losing her and losing your body to stroke - all with the few months! Nobody can claim to imagine your pain. Last night when I was thinking of all four of you and hurting for the pain you all suffered, I know that no matter how much pain I feel, it is nowhere compared to what all of you went through. At least Babaji was respected and cared for at home - not that he or anyone else for that matter wants to be cared for. But for the all three of you, you were not so lucky.
And I specially feel sad today because of what I did on your last birthday when you were still here. Somehow you being able to walk became such a focus in my life that nothing else mattered. With that obsession I forgot your emotional needs and emptiness in your heart because of the loss of Mummy - and later what you considered 'home'. I knew you could walk if you really wanted to and you did so well initially. But I shouldn't focused so much. I should have focused on 'you' and what you wanted and what you were willing to live with and still have a reason to smile when you woke up in the mornings.
But hindsight is 20-20 and so I see all that clearly now. I can think more clearly now which I couldn't do then. And I didn't call you on your last birthday. I just texted you. I called in the morning and Jerri said that you woke up with a smile on your face because it was your birthday. You were not available at the time and so I just texted from Williamsburg. I was upset with you as usual for not cooperating...
So I have no right to feel sad for not being able to call. I didn't call when you were around. It won't do any good to say how sorry I am for not being the emotionally supportive person you needed me to be. It was so hard and painful to watch you become more and more dependent on people when I knew you could do better. I wanted you to be able to stay at the house and be able to still enjoy a few things you loved. I know you wanted it too - more than I wanted it for you - but I can now understand, now when I have time to think and realize, how difficult it is to make an effort when you have lost so much so quickly and not having the time to learn to live with the loss. There was no time to learn to live without Mummy because time was not on your side. You had to get up and make yourself work hard every day before stiffness set in more and more. But it is hard - I know it is - I know it now better.
I am glad though that you counted on me and that I was the person you called when you wanted to talk to someone. I am glad that I gave you a reason to go on even when everything was so difficult because you knew I wouldn't know how to go on without you. But it became very difficult, didn't it?
Well, here we are. Third birthday without you... But I know you are somewhere, watching and know how much you are loved and were loved. No matter how angry I was with you, I always loved you. After Mummy, you were 'home' to me and I miss your smile... miss your phone call... miss coming to Wisconsin to see you and miss going to airport to pick you up when you came.
Happy Birthday Papa.
Love always
Your daughter