Coping with Grief: 10 Truths You Need to Hear When Dealing With Loss (From a grief coach who’s been there)

Coping with grief of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through. I know this not just as a grief coach, but as someone who’s lived it. 

I lost my father and sister within 18 months of each other. One to a heart attack, sudden and unannounced. The other to COVID, untimely, unfair, and devastating. I was pregnant when my sister died. And those events completely changed the trajectory of my life.

For a while, I looked like I was coping. I showed up at work, at social events, and kept showing up for my newborn. But inside, I felt completely disconnected… from others, from joy, and from everything I once loved doing. Even existing in that space came with overwhelming guilt.. For not being the friend, the partner and the mother I wanted to be. Grief felt like an endless, bottomless pit, and I was empty, lost, with no idea how to climb out of it.

If that’s where you are, this is for you.

As a certified grief coach, I’ve now supported hundreds of other grievers over the years, who were stuck in that same pit. Today, I want to offer you the deeper truths of grief that no one prepares you for, show you what’s actually going on underneath it all, and what might finally help.

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10 Truths About Grief You Deserve To Know

1. You are not broken.

What you’re feeling isn’t wrong or crazy. 

It may feel messy, confusing, overwhelmingly sad, numb, scary or even hopeless. You may notice physical symptoms like trouble sleeping (or sleeping too much), persistent fatigue, or even unexplained aches and pains. You may feel anxious, forgetful or unable to focus on things. But all of these reactions are a completely normal and human response to loss.

It’s not a flaw. It’s your nervous system adapting to loss. What you need to move through these difficulties is support and compassion.. not more self-criticism, and definitely not a diagnosis.

Tip: When the self-judgment creeps in, try asking: “What if this is just grief, not a personal failure?”

2. You are not behind.

When people start expecting you to “be better by now”, it can make you feel like you’re failing. But the truth is, grief doesn’t follow a “standard timeline” and it cannot be packed into neat linear stages. Every grief journey is complex and personal.

There is no “should” about how you’re supposed to feel, how long it should take, or what healing is supposed to look like.

So let that desire to shift come from within, not from external pressure to be “better”.

Tip: Instead of asking “How long has it been?” ask “What do I feel ready for, and what kind of support do I need right now?”

3. This isn’t just in your head 

When you experience a loss this big, your nervous system registers it as a threat and shifts into survival mode to protect you.

That’s why grief isn’t just emotional. It lives in your body, your mind, and your spirit. You might feel anxious and hyper-alert… or completely numb and exhausted. It can affect your ability to rest, focus, or even do the simplest things.

And here’s what no one tells you: Talking about it — while helpful and necessary — often isn’t enough.

Even if you’ve tried therapy or support groups, you might still feel stuck. That’s not a failure. It’s because talking alone doesn’t teach your nervous system how to release survival patterns or rebuild a sense of safety and belonging.

Tip:
If you notice yourself feeling shut down or overwhelmed, start with a small regulating practice like the physiological sigh — two short inhales through your nose, followed by one long exhale through your mouth. This simple breath can help signal to your body that it’s safe to soften, even just a little.

4. Feeling joy doesn’t mean you’re forgetting

Often feelings of joy after grief come with a lot of guilt. But here’s the thing, laughter isn’t disloyal. Smiling again doesn’t mean the love has faded. It means you’re still alive, and want to honor your life too. Allowing the moments of joy is crucial to the healing process.

Tip: What would creating a guilt-free moment of joy look like today?

If this feels hard to answer, I created a workbook to gently explore the tug-of-war between joy and guilt in grief, you can access it here.

5. You don’t owe anyone a tidy version of your pain

Anytime I appeared put together or functioning, someone would say, “You’re so strong… you’re doing so much better.” Most grievers hear this. And slowly, we start to believe that strength means hiding our grief.

But performance is not healing. Pretending that the pain doesn’t exist makes others comfortable but it disconnects you from your truth. 

Tip: Let your grief breathe. If someone can’t hold space for it, that’s a reflection of their limits, not yours.

6. You might lose other connections

We live in a society that is largely uncomfortable with the topic of death and grief. Some people will not know what to say. Other will disappear. Some will say the wrong things. And it hurts. Navigating changing social dynamics can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re already carrying so much. 

Even the most well-meaning people might not have the capacity or knowledge you need in this season of life. You deserve support that feels safe, steady, and nonjudgmental.

Tip: Consider working with a professional who can be a reliable anchor, someone trained to hold space for your grief, consistently and without discomfort.

7. Time doesn’t heal, safety does

We’re told that grief heals with time. But for many, time just adds more sorrow… more guilt…
Because every day feels like it pulls you further away from the life you shared.

Healing begins when your nervous system feels safe enough to actually process the loss,to integrate the grief, to release the guilt and to find belonging again.

That’s why nervous system tools, co-regulation, and the right kind of support matter more than the passage of time. 

Tip: Begin by learning what safety feels like in your body, whether it is nature, music, movement, stillness or support and do more of that.

8. Grief changes you

Grief can change your perspective, priorities, beliefs and relationships. And that’s okay. 

There is a version of you still waiting to be met. One who carries this grief with both strength and softness. One who can hold love and loss together.

Tip: It can feel uncomfortable, scary and unknown. That doesn’t mean evolution to another identity is wrong.

9. You don’t have to(and probably shouldn’t) do this alone.

What’s harder than grief is doing it alone. Even when people are around, it can feel deeply isolating if they don’t know how to meet you in your pain.

You deserve steady, safe support. Co-regulation helps your nervous system settle, and structured grief-aware guidance helps you make sense of the chaos. You don’t need to figure this out alone.

Leaning on the right kind of support isn’t giving up or weakness. It’s a powerful choice in this season.

Tip: Look for http://grief-aware, nervous-system-safe support that can hold you through this season.

10. This pain will change

Not because you forget, but because you built the skills and tools around it. The love and longing always stays but peace, connection and even joy return when your nervous system begins to allow it.

Tip: Healing isn’t erasing the pain. It’s building enough capacity to hold more than the hurt.

Remember, healing is possible

Since then, I’ve helped hundreds of grieving people gently shift out of survival mode, understand what’s really going on beneath the overwhelm, and build a life that honors both their grief and their future.

? If you’re feeling stuck, lost, or like no one really gets it, I created a page just for you — with free tools, next steps, and a space to reach out if and when it feels right:
transformingthroughgrief.com/grief-help