What led you to write about and work with people who are grieving?
After losing my husband, sister, mother and mother-in-law within the space of 17 months, I found none of the so-called “five stages of grief” relevant to what I was experiencing. When I learned that I fit a category called “resilient”—a category that encompasses more than half the grieving population—I wanted to put a face to these people who cope with loss by interspersing their sorrow with waves of happiness and pleasure. After writing Four Funerals and a Wedding: Resilience in a Time of Grief, I trained to become a grief coach. Since opening my practice in 2013, I’ve worked with people, ranging from teenagers to septuagenarians, in the U.S., Europe, Asia and Central America.
What advice can you offer people who are coping with the loss of a loved one?
Through my coaching work and my own grief experiences, I’ve become convinced that the best thing you can do for yourself is to keep the windows open to other parts of your life. When we focus solely on our grief, we forget that there is still much in our lives that can provide enjoyment and—so important—distraction. If you’re a gym rat, go work out. If you love cooking, make a meal. Tend to your garden. Get a mani-pedi. Any of these activities will help to create the waves that strengthen resilience. If at first those activities provide no pleasure, fake it. In time, the effort will pay off.
What are the most common struggles people experience after losing a loved one?
Some of these are obvious, like loneliness and difficulty envisioning a future. One common struggle that is more opaque is finding people who truly listen to you and respond to your needs. Often, well-intended people operate from their assumptions about what they’d want if they were in your shoes. But they’re not. So, it’s helpful to them—and to you—to tell people what you need. That may include stating that you don’t want to talk about how you’re feeling.
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Jill Smolowe
1 articlesJill Smolowe is the author of the memoir Four Funerals and a Wedding: Resilience in a Time of Grief, a counterintuitive look at what helps people rebound following the loss of a loved one. After retiring from her 35-year career as a mainstream journalist, she trained as a grief coach. Today, she helps others reinvision their lives after loss. For Jill’s grief essays and information about her memoir and her coaching, go to her website.
