Respected Babaji, Ammaji

I was reading your letters yesterday as I am trying to sort them so that I can make digital copies. I feel really strange since then because there is such a contrast in the simplicity and happiness of those days compared to here and now. We caused you so much pain and suffering by leaving you on your own. While we also missed you terribly here but it is always easier for ones who leave than to the ones who are left behind. You two were so alone and at that age you needed us with you. We made a mistake - a terrible one. 

I don't know how life would have turned out had we stayed but I do know that I would have your love for several more years. I can hear your voice as I read the letters as if it was just yesterday when I heard it. I know there is still a connection and all I can do is hope that I will see you again some day.

Please help me to be a person worthy of so much love. Sometimes I don't do a very good job. But I will try and remember it every day that I am one of the luckiest people ever to have had a family that I did - to have you two who enveloped me in so much love and protected me for so long.

Babaji, you wrote in one of your letters - "I do not like to be a liability on anyone but I don't know why but I would like to live to see you all back again." And Ammaji wrote in one after Babaji, you were gone, "I was in Meerut last month and while there I missed your babaji very much". It broke my heart. Ammaji I don't remember why you ended up not coming to US. Reading some of the letters that I did yesterday, it sounded like you were willing to... 

Now that Papa is gone and my time is all mine now and wish that he would come back... but it has also made it possible for me to think about you and think about the days gone by...

Will you come in my dream again and tell me that you are okay and are waiting for me? That you still love me and that you are not too disappointed in how I turned out?

Miss you much
Yours Guria.

Dear Babaji, Ammaji

For so long Papa and Mummy kept me very busy and I wasn't able to think about our lost time much. But now often I think and try to imagine how it must have been for you after we left! How you two suffered! I remember how you looked when I saw you for the first time after returning from Mawana - after the news that we would be going to States. That picture of you is ingrained in my mind. Wish we had 3 more years with you; wish we were there when you really needed us.

Will we see each other again some day? 

I hope so...

Love you and Miss you

Your's Gudiya

Respected Babaji

Wishing you a Happy Father's Day... wherever you are. No matter where you are, you are always close... close to my heart. When we were together, we didn't celebrate all these days. But since I loved you every day of my life, I think that was all that mattered. 
Thank you for being my Baba... and thank you for making me the 'star' of your eye. I have had the best childhood ever and you made that happen. In my life I will never want for anything since you gave me all in abundance. You will never be lost to me since you are always in my heart... your blood flows through my veins and I love you the best for that.
Love you and miss you (and Ammaji).
Your's Gudiya

Dear Babaji, Ammaji
I miss you more every day - now that I have all the time in the World! Papa kept me very busy - always something :-) Now it is all very quiet. I think of the days when you two were there and all was safe and happy. All those books - Chandamama, Parag, Nandan, Dharamyug, Hindustan, Cheeku... and more - you used to buy me. Summer used to be so long and you, books, transistor radio and me and my little space near the window... Seems like a whole another lifetime... a more simple life... Not much missing from my life back then. I had all the love a child could want for and I am thankful for that. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the World.
Sometimes when I leave home early in the morning and hear the birds sing, I can almost smell the air from days gone by... and lots of memories - all happy - come dashing in. I do miss those days and you very much. Miss Papa Mummy very much.
But I do know that you would not want me to be sad. I will try harder to be happy for what all I was blessed with, for not many have had what I had. Wish you would visit me in my dreams more. I know for many years I haven't talked to you more but you were always in my heart and on my mind. It is, as you know, been very long 25 years of so much illness and unhappiness related to Papa Mummy. I hope you are not too disappointed in me - for I have been selfish - and you would have wanted me to be a better person and would have wanted me to have taken better care of Papa Mummy. I cannot undo anything; cannot go back and do it all over again... how will I even know to do it differently? Wish I was less selfish and better person to be deserving of so much love that you gave me... I am so happy that you gave it so freely and without expecting anything in return.
I love you very much; and miss you.
Your's Gudia

Dear Babaji and Ammaji

I know you can see from wherever you are what a lonely place I am at now. All but Chris are now gone and I hope he will be around to take care of my final ritual. I think of the time when we were together and compare it with now - and I am amazed at where time has gone and how things came to be the way they have turned out. 
You brought me up with such care and love... Not many kids have the kind of childhood that I have. I am so thankful for having been born in your family and for being the one you loved the best. I would not trade that for anything in the World!
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for still looking out for me.
Miss you and love you very much
Your's Gudiya

Pujaya Ammaji

Aaj Ma ka din hai. Aaj aap hoti to...
Kabhi kabhi mein jab subha ko nikalti hoon aur chidiyon ki chahchaahat sunti hoon, mujhai wo din yaad aa jaatai hain jab mein subha board kai imtihaan kai liyai jaati thi aur aap mujhai dahi aur cheeni khila ker bhejti thi... Aisa lagta hai jaise kal ki he baat ho!

Aapki bahut yaad aati hai.

Aapki beti
Gudiya

In Loving Memory of my Babaji... who gave me all the love a child could ever need.

Missing you for 38 years!

May you rest in peace.
Love - Your's Gudiya

Dear Babaji -- It is 38 years today since I could no longer find you. It all seems like a dream - a beautiful dream. Thank you for giving me the best childhood ever! You love sustains me still. I was the luckiest one since you loved me best. Those 'phool-ghari' at Diwali that kept coming; those 'samosas' you brought when practicals were running late at St. Thomas; that love that surrounded me even when you were in terrible pain - both physical and emotional. Some times I try to think how unbearable that night would have been for both you and Ammaji when we left for States! What pain you suffered. We missed you very much and cried reading your letters that we used to get - both Mummy and me! 

I was lucky to have you and to have been born in your family. You gave me everything. Now all four of you are gone and I feel very lost. I know you wouldn't want me to be so sad. Please give me a sign that I will see you again. 

You and Ammaji - and me... that was a wonderful life! The memories of those years are very special. Somehow I never pictured myself without all four of you; did you? 

I love you so very much.
Missing you --
Your Gudia

Dear Babaji, Ammaji

I had a thought I haven't dared to have, I guess, in all this time this afternoon when I was in the bus coming home. I imagined what it may have been like if we returned to India after 4 years of Papa's assignment here. We would have probably been picked up by Mamaji and Mami and brought back to our house in Vijaynagar. I imagined you waiting at the lower level for us to come. I imagined how I would have run out of the car and run to you in your loving embrace. How you would have waited worried that your heart may stop from happiness! 

What a happy moment that would have been!! Oh, what a loss for not having it! I often think of how you must have spent that night when we came... how your heart must have broken! I can feel that pain - I believe...

I don't know why things happen the way they do. Almost 18 years of my life was spent in your loving care. Who would have thought that we would separate like this? 

I miss those days, months, years lost...

Miss you very much
Your Gudia

Dear Babaji Ammaji

Anju and I talk about you some times. She still remembers Ammaji's smile, mathris and how she used to be so happy to see her when she came for a visit after we had left. It is so nice to be able to talk about you with someone - now that both Papa and Mummy are with you. It feels so strange to have been left alone. Somehow I never thought of this day. 

I miss you every day. There is never a day when I don't think about you.

Love you
Your's Gudiya.

Dear Babaji, Ammaji

Did you know last month that Papa was coming to be with you in less than 24 hours? I did not. If only I knew...

Will I see you again some day? Please give me a sign...

Love you and Miss you.
Your's Gudiya

Dear Babaji, Ammaji

Aaj Papa ki Tehravi hai. Where has time gone? We were together once, happy and healthy - as if in another lifetime! And yet, it is all so fresh in my mind like yesterday...

Missing you. Missing all of you very much.
Your's Gudiya

Dear Babaji, Ammaji

Did Papa give you my letter?
I miss you... miss all four of you. Please always be near me and stay with me.

Love you
Your's Gudiya

Dear Babaji Ammaji

Take care of your son now that he is with you.

Love you
Gudiya

Dear Babaji and Ammaji

I miss you more today... I miss you always. It is yours and my day. I hope you are looking down on me from above and know how I wish I could have one more day with you. 

Love you always.
Yours Gudiya

Happy 119th Birthday, Babaji!

I miss you and Ammaji so very much.

Love, Gudia

Dear Ammaji

Happy Mother's Day! I see your face still just as clearly as ever. I can still feel the softness of your arms. I do miss you - miss you a whole lot. Thank you for being my Ammaji.

Aapki Bahut Yaad Aati hai... Woh Chhitthiyan...

Love you and Miss you.
Yours Gudiya

Respected Babaji

You were the most important person in my life and I am afraid I have not always remembered this day. I cannot explain it to myself how and why. I didn't think I could live a day without you and now it has been 37 long years! I can only hope that you, Ammaji and Mummy are together now and are happy wherever you are. I hope some day to see you again if such a thing is possible. For now, I am just very glad that you were my Babaji and that I had your love. 

Love you and Miss you very much.
Your's Gudiya

Respected Babaji and Ammaji

Missing my 'dehi with cheeni' today.
Missing you even more.

May be I will see you in my dream tonight.

Lots of love
Your Gudia

Happy 118th Birthday, Babaji!

Love you and miss you
Gudia

Dear Babaji, Ammaji

Wish you were here...

Love and Miss you.
Yours, Gudia

You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and grand parents
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try

My Dear Ammaji

I have been thinking a lot about you; and missing you. Wonder if you can know this... I can still feel the soft touch of your arms and I miss the days when you used to hold my hand and walk real fast when we went visiting with Birbal Babaji.

I hope you and Babaji are together with Mummy now. I miss you.

Love you,
Yours' Gudia

Bhawgan tumhare Mandir mein, main pooja kernai ko aayee.
Pooja ki Widhi nehi janti, apna dil lai ker aayee.

-- Ammaji, aap mujhai yeh kavita sikhati thi. Abhi mujhai yaad hai ki hum dono khaat per baithai thai varandai mein - 6 number wali guli kai makaan mein.

I miss you so much.

Love, Yours, Gudiya

Happy Mother's Day Ammaji.

Today I closed my eyes and pictured your face and I could see you as if it was only yesterday we were together. They say that if you really love someone, you can picture their face exactly as it was. I saw the picture of you and babaji the other day and suddenly I could smell the air as it was in those days sitting in front of the window in Thapurnagar house.
So I know you and babaji - and Mummy will always be somewhere close even though I cannot see you.

Aapki bahut yaad aati hai!

Aapki
Gudia

Dear Babaji

I can still see your face and hear you voice as if it was yesterday. I miss you every day; but today 36 years ago... I hesitate to say that we lost you or that you went away or that you passed away because you are still in my heart and always will be.

You will never be gone until I breathe. I miss not seeing you; not being able to call you. The other day I looked at a picture of you and ammaji sitting in the front part of the house in ThaparNagur and I thought I could smell the air for a moment. To me that's a sign that you (and ammaji and mummy - all who loved me) are somewhere in essence.

I love you and miss you - especially on this day.
Yours
Gudia

Dear Babaji, Ammaji

Wish I could wish you a very Happy New Year. If you are somewhere, may be you can see me and know how much I am missing you. You will always live on in my heart.

Love you - Yours, Gudiya

Dear Babaji & Ammaji

Aaj aap dono nai mujhe dahi-cheeni khilai hoti. 
Can you give me a sign that you are somewhere waiting for me?

Love you and miss you
Yours - Gudia

Happy Diwali, Babaji, Ammaji.

Ammaji, I miss making wall paintings with you on Diwali using the red brick ink. All that food that you and Mummy cooked on holidays. So long ago and yet so close to my heart that I can see it fresh like yesterday. Bahut yaad aati hai.

Where are my 'patakhai', babaji? You used to have never-ending supply.

Love and miss you.
Yours, Gudia

May 12, 2024

Dear Babaji and Ammaji

It has been 16,088 days (44 years, and 17 days) since I could reach out to you. 10,817 days (29 years, 7 months and 13 days) since Ammaji.

So long and yet it feels like yesterday. I miss both you and Ammaji so much. I hope you are somewhere, and that mummy papa are with you now. So much has changed; you loved me so much and worried about me so but now all that seems to be gone. You are in my heart, and I can always feel you near me; especially when I am sad or when something happy comes along.

I wish we had more time together; I wish you didn't suffer so much. Ammaji's suffering was unimaginable. I wasn't there for either of you and this fact hurts me the most. Sometimes in the middle of the day suddenly I remember something - something you said - something that told me how sad you were and missing us so much - and I feel such a pang and indescribable pain in my heart. And then sometimes some happy memory brings a smile to my face. 

I would give anything to go back in time and change the fact that we left you all alone. Would give anything to be back with you and give you a hug.

I know this is the way life is but...
Love you and miss you.
Yours Gudia

Respected bade baba ji,

Happy 117th Birthday, Babaji. 

We miss you very much.

Chhavi and Maitrie

Happy 117th Birthday, Babaji. 
We miss you very much.

Love, Your's Gudia

Dear Babaji

I have been reading your letters recently that you wrote to us. You gave me so much love that it is enough to last me for my lifetime. I know I won't ever be alone because you are always with me in my heart. Still I miss your voice and smile. When I read your letters, I can hear your voice so clearly that I know you couldn't be far.

Love you - Your's Gudiya

TO THE PERSON WHO SHOW US THE PATH OF LIVING