On The 3rd Anniversary Of The Day My Isaiah Went Away
3 years ago today, May 11,2012
I lost you,
when I was first told you had died
it didn't feel real to me,
I waited for someone to tell me 'it was a total lie"
My brain, heart, body and soul couldn't process anything after that
It's not like in the movies
where you instantly fall apart & everyone surrounds you from that day forward promising forever to never leave your side again
it's a slow, painful process of survival.
I was left standing all alone in the midst of chaos
the volume of mute &
with everything spinning around me because life itself had been turned upside down for me. It actually extends far beyond that !!!!
I began to take one breath at a time, putting one foot in front of the other, because I really had no choice.
Meanwhile many people slowly began backing away from me, with fear in their eyes , because I now represented their worst nightmare.
Not only were they unable to be strong for me but quite frequently I had to give them strength I didn't even have for myself,
MUCH LESS TO BE GIVING IT AWAY !!!!!!!
answering all their questions and reassuring them that I was "okay"
( which was a complete LIE then and still now )
Because I really from that day on will never have the energy to begin explaining all the many ways why
I'm not really going to ever be "OKAY" again
And even though I still feel like my life has ended since that day
I still wait for a sign .
Where are you now ?
Dying within myself everyone says you're in heaven ....
Excuse me but I can't feel still at this moment
I miss everything about you, your smile, your laugh... YOU !!!!!!
and I'm here crying alone waiting on what to do......
Show me a sign !!!! I don't care what it is or what time of day !!!
Something just to make me feel you're doing fine & you're doing okay..
I know you must be somewhere, spiritually somewhere near....
I wish you could just show me something that you are still here !!!
I need this to make me help me live through another day...
Please Show Me Papi, something...
So I know you are really "okay" :(
I Miss You So Much,