It is 5 days to your 10th Angel Birthday and I am really struggling. I am remembering all the hard memories surrounding your birth and death. Reliving these memories every year for the past 10 years has been a living hell for me. The weather prediction for your b-day is not good--cold and rainy--it is going to prevent me from doing what little I can for you on your b-day, watch the sunrise, make a sidewalk chalk card and decorate your grave--it is so unfair! I pray the prediction will be wrong and it will sunny and warm instead. I wish more people remembered you--it hurts that you are slowly being forgotten. I wish you were here so that we could go b-day shopping and out to lunch and out to get a traditional b-day shake. I wish I was able to decorate you a cake in your favorite color and flavor and we could have your favorite ice cream and b-day meal for dinner. I don't know what any of that is. I wish you were here to play and hang out with Karena--you two would be sharing a room and you would be the best of buddies keeping each other entertained. It makes me sad that she is missing out on that experience with you. I wish I could say the last 10 years have been full of peace, joy, and healing, but they have not! I have gained 30 lbs, more grief from miscarrying your siblings, more emotional trauma, more issues with your living siblings, and lots more debt adding on to our house to move your grandma in with us because your grandpa is in Heaven with you--that has been hard too loosing my Dad. It has been a really, really, hard 10 years. I long to feel the peace I felt on your first b-day. I long to find moments of joy instead of just heartache and pain. I wish I could just see you for just a moment to hold you in my arms and know that everything is going to be okay. I know I will see you again someday, but, right now someday seems way too far away :`(
<3 I Love you <3
<3 Love, Mommy <3