Dear Kimmy,
Today is the one-year anniversary we parted, my love.
We had so many plans for these remaining years together. But God seemed to have rerouted those plans with new plans for us both, and for our boys and their families. I speak of you often these days, I try to tell stories, and share memories together with the littles (grandkids), we laugh and think about those sweet times, especially the summer camping we had together two summers ago, the day trips to the lighthouse, the river, the lake and boat docks. Those seem to be freshest in their little minds.
This time last year my heart was inconsolable. I tried the best I could to pick up the pieces of our life together and move on. But so much was dependent on “us” it just didn’t seem to be possible. After your Memorial, I went to Mexico as we planned, but alone. It was good for me, to worship, reflect and write. In my time of worship, I was crying out to the Lord over and over, “why, just why?” He finally replied, “For My Glory” That was all I needed, was a Word from Jesus. It’s funny how those three words didn’t explain much, but because they came from Him, they are enough for my heart to heal. And I have been healing ever since.
Over the summer, I worked on the house and trained to go on the hike we had planned, but I never could pull it off. The forest fires were just too intense. I went to Micah’s 40th Birthday and got to see first-hand what an incredible man he has become. They say you can tell what kind of person one is by the company they keep. During Micah’s party, I sat with his closest friends and just admired their love for him. They also were fine men and they told stories of Micah’s ministry to us all. You would have cried – I didn’t of course.
I also spent some time with Susie, Gary, Jessie, and their family in Idaho. It was great fun, but the fishing was lousy, too much snowmelt. Susie misses her best friend. She misses having someone – you – to talk to. Susie inherited all your winter clothing. It was neat… and a little weird to see her in your stuff. It makes me smile.
The Holidays were hard on everyone. The memories of last year were bitter. Knowing that you were going to be leaving soon and saying goodbye was painful, and there were too few smiles that year. But in it all, we did have some moments I will never forget. The walks we would take together while pushing your chair. The littles taking turns pushing you, the news of your brother and his wife, and how you cried out, NO! One of the last words you ever said. You and I decorating the tree together, yeah I saw you in your wheelchair, just wishing you could help me with the lights. I know… I never get those things just the way you like them. Did you know I saved the one, that last Christmas ornament, the one you placed on the tree? I marked it with your initials so we could always remember our last Christmas together.
This Christmas was the first without you and as Molly put it, we “just wanted more memories with you.” But we couldn’t, we just couldn’t, you were not there. So, in your honor, we made Gingerbread houses… yes, I did, you know how much I hate those little things, and I also know how much you loved building them with the littles, so I was sure to join in, in your absence. My gingerbread house came out as I expected – awful – I needed you to help me have the stick-to-itiveness for it. All the little designs and gumdrops are all too much for my big hands and little patience.
Then I traveled down to Sean’s for a week of guy time. I sat in the hot tub in the mornings and thought about how we loved to do that together. How we would talk about how we are so proud of him and what a fine man he had become. And commit time together in prayer for him and the family God has for him. Sean’s Christmas was a “bah humbug” Christmas as he put it. Not a decoration in sight. I laughed to myself how you would not have let that stand and would have strung up a string of lights or something to bring him into the spirit, even to his quiet objections.
For me, I am moving forward the best I can without you. I have fulfilled some of our plans together and have made some different ones. I will be writing more, as you have encouraged. Yes, I finished Ghost Patriot, and I am proud of it! I think you would have loved it. I am looking for an RV, like we planned, and taking my books on tour.
I wish you were here, but the Lord has His Glory in mind. I can trust Him for that, as I know you do.
When I catch up with you I will be cutting in to dance with you, the bride of my youth.
Oh, how I loved you, my sweet girl!
- Me (RHP)
PS: Did you catch up with my parents in heaven? They love you so much, be sure to fill them in on everything. Say hello to Luis, he got there just a couple of months after you did.