Gump,
As I sit here with the tears falling so freely down my face, I am looking at pictures from your past. The past you flew off with. The smiles and the laughs, the eye rolls and the bus rides from Germany to Holland. Having to trade weekends of doing dishes when I would go to Lord knows where on the week-ends.
I'm not over you and I never will be. Do I still cry at night. Indeed I do. I laugh again. I take the help that is offered to me now. Yes, I still cuss at your and fight with my emotions and this love/hate relationship I still struggle with. Jim said to me that you weren't being punished by leaving Garry and the rest of your family, you were rewarded. I think we all could have had to stay longer. I would have traded with you. I know you and I know you would say "no Tee, let me go first. You have kids" Why did you go when you a much kinder and more thoughtful person than most of us humans.
I still struggle every day Steffie-Gump. Late at night, like now when no one can hear my sobs, I struggle. You would be proud of me, I just used my shirt for a snot rag. Hold on to something, the other day I belched (yes, it's true) and I said "that is for you Steff" I found one half an ounce that Carmen and Wendi left for me.
I still feel the panic I did having to turn my back on you and walk away. I never did that to you before. Especially when something scared you. Like having you wait in the hall at all the new schools so I could help you find your next class. Or the time I found you lost and roaming in the wrong wing for the wrong country. We sat down and leaned back and had a good laugh about that one. Or you and your damn white pearl eye shadow I made you wash off and used my make up to teach you to do yours. It was only a band class we missed and Ricci didn't care. So many things I've forgotten and use to rely on you for. My memory is shit now so I really need you. No one else remembers Zoom and the
fan-dabby-dozey. No one gets it.
Yep baby sissy, I would take you back. There are only 4 of us now, so incomplete sometimes. You'd be happy to know that every year since Daddy passed, Feltenberger goes into some bar and buys a round, for the whole place. Every birthday and the day he passed he toasts "Daddy Becker". It's a week-end, but maybe I will call him and we can have drinks together over the phone. Donte Munlap talks about you. I think most people don't know what to say. It doesn't help.
I'm trying Gumpy, and I am getting better, but I don't know if there will be a day when I'm ok with you being gone. I know you're up there with family members who've gone on ahead. I can't find a way to end this, cause I just wanted to talk with you more. I miss you on turkey day, on Christmas, days in between. Every day before and after. I talk to Sister who has helped me so much. (she said "that woman (you) was a force to be reckoned with" Got a good laugh with that.
Ok, I will stop now. Just know that we all still think of you, each and everyday. You're not someone anyone will forget and no one here on earth will ever, ever stop loving you. Ever baby sissy, ever.