ForeverMissed
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This memorial website was created in memory of my father, Sushil Bansal, 84, born on October 6, 1933 and passed away on December 29, 2017. He will live on in our hearts forever.

My father was suffering from complications due to stroke and since June this year after a surgery he started to have more problems. While he suffered with multiple issues this year, it appears that he went to sleep on the night of December 28th and just didn't wake up and went peacefully. He was at Belmont Nursing Home in Madison, Wisconsin at this time and had been there for little less than a year.

He was born in Meerut, India, the son of Dr. Dhanpat Rai and Smt. Prakash Vati (Goyal) Gupta. He married Saroj Rastogi on December 25, 1958, in Mawana, India. It was an arranged marriage. They saw one-another for the first time after they were married! They were rarely ever apart until my Mom passed away on September 8, 2013. My father was an accountant by profession. He had a Masters in Mathematics. His first job was as a teacher at a school in Meerut but soon he found a position working as an accountant for the Government Of India. He always worked very hard and no matter how difficult the situation became, he never let any of know that there were problems. In 1977 we moved to the United States and he worked with the Embassy of India in Washington DC for four years. Eventually he resigned from the Government Service and stayed on here so that we, the children could have a better life. After living in Maryland for 23 years they moved to Madison, Wisconsin along with his son's family.

He has always been the quiet one; most comfortable with papers, figures, computers but at the same time he did have a witty sense of humor. He always enjoyed a challenge – learning a new skill like web site development, mastering photography, creating projects on Shutterfly. He loved taking walks. My parents used to take regular a mile walk at least once a day, no matter how cold it was. They both loved to travel. We travelled a lot together both in India as well as here in the States. We went on a Cruise many years ago and this became his favorite way of vacationing. He was very actively involved with Indian American Association in Madison. He loved playing Bridge and created a Bridge Group at the Fitchburg Senior Center. He also volunteered there for various activities including exercise program. He was supposed to teach Exercise class there a day after he had his stroke on February 14, 2013. Stroke left his left side weak. He loved working with the therapists and worked very hard to gain his strength back. He joined Adaptive Fitness class at the UW Natatorium offered by Tim Gattenby in Summer of 2013 and attended every session until the Fall of 2017 when he was too ill and weak from several complications due to Stroke. He loved this class; loved working with the students who doted on him; found a wonderful friend in Tim who went out of his way many times to help and work with my Dad. My Dad was very much looking forward to starting this class again on January 30th, 2018, but... He was definitely a fearless and adventureous soul.

His final year was spent at Belmont Nursing Home and Rehab. He was happy there and actually considered it second best place to home. Special thanks to Gail, Jerri, Essa, Pam, Chad, Joan and Katie who went out of their way many times to make his life a bit easier; and to the Activities Staff for discovering an artist in my father who had never before used a paint brush.

He is survived by his Son, Ashish; daughter-in-law, Gauri; grand-daughters, Priya and Pramita; daughter, Sandhia; and son-in-law, Christopher. He was preceded in death by his parents (Dr. Dhanpat Rai Gupta and Smt. Prakash Vati); 3 brothers – two older (Rajendra Kumar Bansal and Sukumar Chandra Bansal) and a younger one (Subodh Kumar Bansal); his wife and my Mom, Saroj Bansal and his older sister-in-law, Bala Bansal.

January 27, 2021
January 27, 2021
Dear Papa

Someone said, in a show I was watching today, "sometimes the hardest thing to do is to relinquish control, specially when it comes to people we love". How applicable it is/was to you and me - and to some extent, to Mummy. But I couldn't do it - even now that I know the outcome You - being able to walk and live an independent life - was all I wanted during those last 4 years of your life. 

Hope you are at peace. I see you once in a while in my dreams- sometimes you are well, and sometimes not This has to be enough for now - I suppose.

3 years is a long time and yet everything seems so recent.

Missing you very much
Your daughter
January 17, 2021
January 17, 2021
Dear Papa

We were watching a mystery program last night having to do with nursing home for elderly. It brought back to the front that lurks in the back of my mind and I wondered all over again what actually happened to you on that last night. The suddenness of it and the fact that none of us could be there at the time to ascertain of the cause will always cause a shadow of doubt in my mind. Yes you were not doing well but then you were well enough to make that painting just a few hours before.. you were able to reply to me via text - may be just about 2-3 hours before it happened. 

Did you need help and called for it but no one came - as it was happening more and more from what I saw.

There is no way to find out... And in the end the fault lies with us - your children - and mostly with me. We were supposed to take care of you. Babaji and Ammaji both were in that condition they would never have imagined in the end and needed the help that I can only imagine how much it cost them to take. But their children who were there managed to care for them at home - willingly or unwillingly - the fact remains. We should have been able to do the same for you two. So how can we blame the strangers to not do all that was expected of them? 

It is just the mystery of it all - how and when - because I can't really be certain whether it was the 28th or 29th. But mostly it is the 'how' that haunts me.

I hope you are at peace now with Mummy and all of our family. 

Missing you.
With love, your daughter
January 1, 2021
January 1, 2021
Dear Papa

Another year is here without you. Wishing you a Happy New Year wherever you are. Hope it is nice and warm and that you are with the whole family and have that BIG smile you have become so famous for :)

I am missing you very much. -- but you know that already.

I still manage to find surprises now and then when I am looking at old photos. I found a photo of you that I would not have recognized if you didn't have your name on it! This is a picture of you when you were a young boy! It was like a "Happy New Year" gift for me that you sent to me from Heaven! Thank you!

Papa, you know - don't you how thankful I am for all you did and all you gave up to give us the life that we now have. I said it to you - not often enough - but hope that you heard it. You gave up much more than most parents would. I am also grateful to Babaji Ammaji who never complained at having been left at the age of 79 to manage for themselves. You all collectively gave us so much - so much more than we deserved - and I say that because in our turn we were not there for any of you - not enough...

And that is what that rankles the most. Regret is a useless emotion - as Dr. Switzer wrote to me once - but it is also the most painful one.

Missing you as always but specially today. The new calendar is up that you won't get to see - or won't you? 

Love you always.
Your daughter


December 29, 2020
December 29, 2020
Real person. Real character. Real main you was my real chacha in all means. Miss you. My tributes. Sadar naman.
December 29, 2020
December 29, 2020
Missing you greatly. I would have really enjoyed you being in class this year. I feel the virus restrictions of this year would have been no issue for you!
December 29, 2020
December 29, 2020
Dear Papa

It is officially 3 years now. Just about at this time I talked to Belmont and they told me. I have often wondered why I didn't feel it when it happened - just like why I didn't feel something when you had the stroke! 

I don't know why so many things did and did not happen. Just know that I miss your presence and your calls and your texts and just seeing you so very much. Sometimes I play your recording just to hear your voice again. It isn't the same but it is all I have now.

You weren't the lucky one to have me - I was - to have been born in your family. I have had and still have all that anyone can ask for. If only you, Mummy, Babaji and Ammaji could have lived forever, that would make it perfect. But I have had much more than many others and for that I am grateful. I am grateful for you.

Missing you very much today and always.
With love
Your daughter
December 27, 2020
December 27, 2020
Dear Papa

Almost 3 years now... Time doesn't stop for anyone but at the same time it was just yesterday when we went to the botanical garden. You enjoyed that visit. May be some day if and when we are together again - who knows. I like to believe that we will see each other again.

I saw you and Mummy in my dream on the night of your anniversary. 

Wish I could send you the new calendar. So many family pictures of us. I am afraid that most of those will not be preserved after I am gone. I am the last in our line. But it is good to have them now. 

Love you very much.
Your daughter
December 25, 2020
December 25, 2020
Merry Christmas and Happy Anniversary, wherever you are Papa. I have missed you so much today. Old regrets still there. 

Love you very much
Your daughter
December 24, 2020
December 24, 2020
Dear Papa

When I first opened up your memorial site this morning, the picture that first came up was of you sitting on yours and Mummy's bench with a balloon in your hand that you were going to send up in Mummy's memory. We were both there that day and I took that picture. But it was just really strange and nice at the same time to see that photo come up at first. I know you are watching over me from wherever you are. These are the little signs that someone had told me once that I may get and it would be up to me to recognize these.  

You always wanted to send a balloon up for Mummy. I remember that on that last anniversary in 2017 you were sad and told me over the phone that you could not get a balloon for her because there was no one to get it. I was sick that day and a bit frustrated and wasn't nice to you. I told you to stop being upset about it and that it was okay. You told me you weren't upset.  But I know that you were sad. And now I am sad that I didn't go to be with you because Shailu was out of town. In the beginning of the year when you first got to Belmont, I did not want you to be left alone and wanted to make sure that I was there if Shailu was not in town. I didn't keep that promise. And I have wondered many times since then whether that told you that I didn't need you anymore. 

You know that I do - and always did. You were always there for me - during all the bad times I had and all the mistakes I made. You never questioned me or told me "I told you so". I am so very grateful for that and love you both so very much.

Missing you very much on the eve of you wedding day so many years ago. This must have been a very exciting and happy day for you and for Babaji Ammaji and of course for Mummy.

Love you always.
Your daughter
December 22, 2020
December 22, 2020
Dear Papa

You have been gone 3 years. Where is the time going? How can it be that we have been apart for 3 years? Never a day went by when we didn't talk or texted one another - and of course argued... I miss those - even fights. I miss you calling me. Still remember just like yesterday when you texted me that 'I passed my swallowing test today because I wore my new jacket for the first time' - those kind of little texts used to make my day. Every little progress you made was one step forward for me. 

One of the best days I remember - and I remember where I was too when you texted me "I want colors" - in answer to my question about what you would like for Christmas. I almost fell to the floor :) That was such a happy evening. I marveled at it then and I do it today just as much at your capacity to continually wanting to try new things and give it your all - and most of all - smile...

Oh, how I miss that smile! 

Papa I am sorry - I have said it before - but I feel I have to say it again - for pressing you so much to do what you felt too tired to do. I wonder if it was partly because of that fracture you had in your rib when you were at the house - the one that never healed. 

I miss your calls to find out where I was... when I would be at the nursing home... More than I miss you calling me - Gudia... I woke up to the sound of Mummy's voice in the night of November 1st.. It was such a clear voice of hers - I can still hear it - it woke me up.

Missing you on your almost wedding anniversary coming up again. 
Missed sending the new calendar to you. I miss you all so much when I work on it every year. I am glad I sent you 2018 calendar a little early in November 2017 so that you could at least see it. You told me that you liked it because it had newer photos of Mummy. I wish I knew where to send it to you now. I just hope that you and Mummy - and Babaji Ammaji can see it from wherever you are. I hope you are all happy and have lots of sunshine. Hope you are smiling down at me.

Love you very much
Your daughter
December 13, 2020
December 13, 2020
Dear Papa

Sometimes I have a dream and just a feeling that you were there in it. Like last night - a confused dream but a very definite feeling that you and I were in a room with a large window. Somehow it was very hot and I kept getting sea salt on my face and you said it was very warm - at least I think you did...

But last week I saw you - you and I were going into a theatre and I remember thinking that you were walking very straight. Even now - almost 3 years later I worry about you walking better :) Next day I dreamt of being in a movie with Mummy.

Where are you now? Wish I could see you again. You used to say that in your next life you will meet Mummy again. Have you? I want to believe all this - and I hope that you are somewhere - happy with all of our family.

I miss you so very much. I guess the last four years of your life after Mummy helped us create a very strong bond between us as you relied on my and I relied on you - much more than you did on me and much more than I realized it when you were there - when I could come and see you... All that seems so long ago and yet so just-like-yesterday.

Love you
Your daughter
November 27, 2020
November 27, 2020
Dear Papa

I thought of you at midnight last night... 3 years ago just about at that time you were calling me to wish me happy birthday... I didn't hear the phone.

Wish you called today.
Wish you were here today.

Miss you very much
Your daughter
November 15, 2020
November 15, 2020
Happy Diwali to you and Mummy!

You always used to love those besan kai laddoo. I will try to make them soon. It will be 3 years soon since you have been gone but it feels like yesterday. The call that I always dreaded came when I was in the bus on my way to work. I used to wonder where I will be when it did come. I wish... well, you know what I wish and you know my heart better than i know myself. 

Whenever I make pakodi or like today when I made samosas, I always think of you because we always used to ask you to taste things. It was so much fun...

May be some day we will be all together again.
Missing you today and always.
Love you
Your daughter
October 16, 2020
October 16, 2020
Dear Papa

I held a Shanti paath and Moksha Archana for you two, Babaji Ammaji and Nani Nanaji today on Amavasya. I hope that it reached you somehow and will bring peace to you wherever you are. This was the first Pooja I have had in this house and I tried to hold my tears because I thought about all those times when we all sat together for Dashara, Diwali, Holi pujas and even for you later.  Didn't get to have that puja for Papa as there is no more family left on my side. But I wanted to do this today as I felt I need to carry on the traditions as much as I can. I didn't want to cry because the purpose was to bring you peace, not to make you sad.

While we were having the Puja, I imagined all of you sitting there with us and a thought brought a smile to my face. I thought you and Mummy, especially you, probably are looking at it with a teasing smile on your face - puja... Gudia is doing this... I can imagine you thinking this and laughing... I don't know whether there is a God or not and but I do know that you are somewhere watching over me. What I have now, I could not have it without you all looking out for me. The signs that you send me, I do see them. This belief helps me when missing you becomes too much to bear.

I had a feeling yesterday that I saw you in my dream but it was just a feeling.

Until we meet again.
With lots of love
Your daughter
October 6, 2020
October 6, 2020
Remember you on your birthday chacha. It is rare to find a sober person like you and papa. I am indebted to you for all your support after going of papa. You came to us in December 2000 and gifted us cane chairs for our new house. They are still with us.
Wishing you a happy birthday where ever you are.
October 6, 2020
October 6, 2020
Dear Papa

I told myself yesterday that I wouldn't cry today; that I shouldn't make you sad if you are watching on this important day, at least. But it hurts so much and I don't know why but I miss you more than I miss anyone else It is so strange because to be honest, and I can be honest with you now, I loved Mummy, Babaji and Ammaji more while everyone was around because they were more around as I was growing up. May be I hurt more for you because I saw your suffering up close much more than anyone else's - even Mummy's. She hid her problems and sadness so well and did her best to be able to stay at the house - I would not call it home. But you went through so much. Losing her and losing your body to stroke - all with the few months! Nobody can claim to imagine your pain. Last night when I was thinking of all four of you and hurting for the pain you all suffered, I know that no matter how much pain I feel, it is nowhere compared to what all of you went through. At least Babaji was respected and cared for at home - not that he or anyone else for that matter wants to be cared for. But for the all three of you, you were not so lucky.

And I specially feel sad today because of what I did on your last birthday when you were still here. Somehow you being able to walk became such a focus in my life that nothing else mattered. With that obsession I forgot your emotional needs and emptiness in your heart because of the loss of Mummy - and later what you considered 'home'. I knew you could walk if you really wanted to and you did so well initially. But I shouldn't focused so much. I should have focused on 'you' and what you wanted and what you were willing to live with and still have a reason to smile when you woke up in the mornings.

But hindsight is 20-20 and so I see all that clearly now. I can think more clearly now which I couldn't do then. And I didn't call you on your last birthday. I just texted you. I called in the morning and Jerri said that you woke up with a smile on your face because it was your birthday. You were not available at the time and so I just texted from Williamsburg. I was upset with you as usual for not cooperating...

So I have no right to feel sad for not being able to call. I didn't call when you were around. It won't do any good to say how sorry I am for not being the emotionally supportive person you needed me to be. It was so hard and painful to watch you become more and more dependent on people when I knew you could do better. I wanted you to be able to stay at the house and be able to still enjoy a few things you loved. I know you wanted it too - more than I wanted it for you - but I can now understand, now when I have time to think and realize, how difficult it is to make an effort when you have lost so much so quickly and not having the time to learn to live with the loss. There was no time to learn to live without Mummy because time was not on your side. You had to get up and make yourself work hard every day before stiffness set in more and more. But it is hard - I know it is - I know it now better.

I am glad though that you counted on me and that I was the person you called when you wanted to talk to someone. I am glad that I gave you a reason to go on even when everything was so difficult because you knew I wouldn't know how to go on without you. But it became very difficult, didn't it?

Well, here we are. Third birthday without you... But I know you are somewhere, watching and know how much you are loved and were loved. No matter how angry I was with you, I always loved you. After Mummy, you were 'home' to me and I miss your smile... miss your phone call... miss coming to Wisconsin to see you and miss going to airport to pick you up when you came.

Happy Birthday Papa.
Love always
Your daughter
October 6, 2020
October 6, 2020
Happy Birthday Papa...

Missing your big smile this morning; and the happy voice at the other end of the phone - as it was for last several years. 

Thinking of you today - and always.
You are in my heart...
You are in my thoughts...
You are in my life...
Always...

Love always
Your daughter
October 1, 2020
October 1, 2020
Dear Papa

It is 26 years today since we lost Ammaji. Now you are with her... and Babaji, Mummy and all others whom you loved.  I know you missed her very much even though you didn't talk about it. You were not the one to talk about things that made you sad.

Papa wish my phone would ring and it would be you on the other side like you used to be. The space left by the four of you can never be filled. You all were 'home' to me. 

Everyone misses your smile and when they talk of you, they always mention your big smile :) And it makes me happy when they say that...

Missing you and love you always.
Your daughter


September 25, 2020
September 25, 2020
Dear Papa

More than a thousand days without you today! Sometimes I wonder how I can even breathe when you were so important in my life.

I saw you and Mummy in my dream last night - just for a few moments - it was more of a feeling that you were with me as we walked in the rain together.

I was also thinking this morning that we should have had Mummy stand in with you at the time of... wish we could do it all over again.

Missing you very much today. Miss your cards and your phone calls.

Love you always.
Your daughter

September 16, 2020
September 16, 2020
Dear Papa

Today was your Shradh - and Babaji's , Ammaji's and Nanaji. Missed not having you around - Last 4 years of your life - you and I were so connected that I think because of that I miss you the most - I feel a physical pain every time I think that you are not around.

But now I think you are all at peace. I wouldn't wish you to be back here at this time to suffer even more - though I miss you so very much.

May be I will see you in my dreams. You are always in my heart.

Love you
Your daughter



September 8, 2020
September 8, 2020
Dear Papa

Mummy left you and me today 7 years ago. At the time you were there and whether or not I realized it, having you with me was something that sustained me. As big a loss it was for me, for you it was more than anyone could actually imagine. To you it must have seen like sky had fallen. You lost someone who was a part of your life for 54+ years and from whom you hadn't been separated even for a day in years! You played such major part in her care. When time came for you, she wasn't able to be around for long. I try to imagine how you may have felt but no one can really know other's loss, can they? Same way every time I left you to come back to my life in Maryland, I was aware that while I can be here and forget at times what you are going through, you could never forget it - you were living it - it was your life. It made me feel guilty but that is not the same as actually feeling one's pain.

Well now you are also gone to be with her. I hope you are both together and are at peace. I do feel your presence and will never forget my dream in which you held my hand when dense fog surrounded us and I was afraid. I know you will be there in the end.

It is strange but even though you are gone, there is this strong desire in me to take your pain away and share in some of the hardships you went through. It wasn't possible then and now - now you are in no need for any such sharing.

I am missing you very much - specially today - on Mummy's day and our day of loss together.
Love you very much.
Your daughter
September 3, 2020
September 3, 2020
Dear Papa

43 years today! We were together at this time - not sure exactly what we were doing. But one thing for sure - we were all sad together and missing our home and Babaji Ammaji whom we left behind - and probably apprehensive about what was ahead. This was your first big step ahead and you probably, knowing you, were more excited about the unknown than worried.

Having been through your illness at the end I have come to appreciate how resilient you were and what positive attitude - that smile that everyone remembers you by! I do not inherit that strength from any of you. 

All these years have gone by - who knows where. What what an adventure it has been - some bad and some good. While I am sad for not having you around, I am grateful for the time we had together - even the bad time - because at least we were together. No matter how angry/disappointed/upset we were with each other, we knew that we loved each other very much.

Thank you for always being there for me. It is your strength that I miss - the person at the other end who always had a smile for me.

Missing you today even more.
With all my love and with hope to see you again
Your daughter




August 19, 2020
August 19, 2020
Dear Papa

Found some photos on Shutterfly that you uploaded yesterday. And saw the projects you were busy with. You were busy until the end... Thanks for those photos - it was like a surprise gift - may be an early birthday present. I keep your cell on message display with your birthday wish to me in 2017.

I saw that you were starting to make a photo book for the Sr. Center. Glad that Jill and I were able to complete that project for you. I miss you a lot, but these days the way things are, it is good that you and Mummy are not around. I think of it every day - how we could have possibly managed - even if you were at the house. You two were always restless - wanting to go out three times a day and not the most careful people. It still scares me to think how it may have been. 

Still would be good to have you back - even if for a few moments. Thanks for holding my hand in that foggy day :)

Missing you always.
Love you forever.
Your daughter



August 1, 2020
August 1, 2020
Dear Papa

I am sitting on the bed in your room - was just trying to cleanup as I have not given it a good cleaning since you left in August of 2015 - your last visit. I laid down on the bed trying to see what you may have seen when you did - what you may have felt because this was not the room you were used to of sleeping in when Mummy was here. Even when you came in 2014, you were stronger and could sleep in that room but it became harder for you to get out of bed there as it was higher. Anyway I laid down to see if I could see what you saw and it occurred to me that it would have made you happy if I had hung Ammaji's picture on the wall - the one that you used to have in the house in Wisconsin in your room. Why didn't I think of these little things then that would have made a huge difference for you? If only I thought of more what you wanted and what made you happier and not what was important to me - to see you walk again...

I sat on the bed and remembered when you used to sit on it and try to put your socks on with one hand at nights when you had to get up. I used to stand and just watch and let you do it yourself because I wanted you to be able to do it. You did but I think at that time of night or early morning at 3am, you could have used some help. But you never asked me because you knew I would get angry... 

Papa, I am missing you so much - so very much. I don't want to admit it but I miss you more than Mummy and even Babaji Ammaji. May be because you and I spent so much concentrated time together since after Mummy and may be because I became so focused on you. May be because you were the last you made me feel I was home when I was with you. May be because you always waited with such anxiety for me to return as soon as I left you in Wisconsin. May be because you were the last who remembered Mummy the way I did. And may be because you were always there for me - even in the condition you were in at Belmont, you were my rock....

I wish you were sitting here with me and I have such a strong desire to just put my arms around you and cry and cry... or just to make you feel comforted and let you know that you are not alone; that your daughter loves and needs you very much - no matter where she is and no matter how old she is.

Wish you were here - just so I could see you smile when I was angry and be more annoyed :) - just so I could see you again...

Love you and miss you very much
Your daughter.
July 5, 2020
July 5, 2020
Dear Papa

I saw you in my dream last night - or at least had a feeling that you were there. We were somewhere and it was very foggy - everything was white-washed - could hardly see the building in front of us or even one another. I just knew that it was you and I there. Suddenly it became even more foggy and couldn't see anything at all. You reached out and held my hand... and I felt so safe. I told you so too that I was happy that you were holding my hand and that it made me much less afraid...

It is just that I didn't see your face at all. But somehow knew that you were there. When I woke up, I had to think for a few minutes to recollect this. But I feel just a bit happier knowing that you are somewhere close and will come for me when it is time.

A night before I saw Mummy. Not sure where we were but our car had a flat tire and Chris said to just walk to the store to get something. Mummy had already walked on and I so clearly remember seeing her back - she was wearing that brown jacket she used to wear. I ran to catch up with her and we walked together. It was some place that was a bit muddy overlooking a river or ocean. Mummy said she didn't like it there. But that too - I don't think I saw her face - just her back.

These two have been nice days having seen both of you and knowing that you are looking out for me. Wish I could see Babaji and Ammaji as well. I think about them so much but they never come to me in my dreams... May be tonight...

Love you and miss you so very much.
Your daughter.
June 30, 2020
June 30, 2020
Dear Papa

I was just making dinner and for some reason the memory of you came rushing over and I keep thinking of the song 'mein chal bhi nehi sakta hoon aur tum daudai jaatai ho'... So many times when I came over to Belmont, I left angry and by the time I got to the car, I felt remorse but you annoyed me so much.. it is funny and terribly sad at the same time.

So much wasted time - so many arguments and efforts and nothing came of it. Instead I should have just leave you to do what you wanted. it would have kept you happy and me less stressed. But I just knew you could walk again and be well. When you first had the stroke, Seema jeeji said that you would be okay in few months and should be able to walk with a cane. But that was not to be. I didn't take into account how much you may have missed Mummy and how debilitating that may have been. I am sure losing Mummy made you lose your will even more to try hard. And the conditions at home... 

I just miss you so much... probably more than I miss the others. May be because you and I spent a lot of concentrated time in the last four years since Mummy. Or may be because you were the last one. If only I could bring back the old times for just a short time, we could hug and I could tell you all how sorry I am for not being there for you and doing all that I could. I was selfish and didn't take care of you. I know that Mummy is disappointed in me - just as Babaji and Ammaji are. I miss you all so very much. I can't stop crying right now - I don't know what's come over me. I keep seeing your face and the tears in your eyes when I left you at Belmont among strangers on the evening of October 21st - the last time I would ever see you...

I won't ask for your forgiveness or other's as I don't deserve it. What would that mean anyway. The harm to you all has been done and the lost times can't come back. I am sure that some day I will be in your shoes and will suffer much - deservedly so. I don't know if anyone will be there for me... I am scared but may be you will come for me in the end.

Love you so much Papa.
Some times I just call out for you, Mummy, Babaji and Ammaji just so I don't forget the sound of how these words sounded...

Let me see you in my dreams... Give me a sign that you can see me and know my heart... You were all I had who knew my beginnings and now even you are gone. 

Love you Papa.
Your daughter (ladaki daughter) -- just like you signed the last 'happy birthday wish' as "ladaka Papa"..


June 21, 2020
June 21, 2020
Dear Papa

Another "Papa's Day" without my Papa... Third one this time.
If you were here...
Before you moved to Wisconsin, we always celebrated everything. I miss that very much...

Missing you as I always miss you... 
Can you see me from where you are. I hope you can for then you will know how much I needed you and need you.

Love you
Your daughter
May 24, 2020
May 24, 2020
Dear Papa

I had a dream about you... you lent me your credit card to buy a phone and I spent $1500!! :)

Missing you so very much. Sometimes I wonder what our time would have been together after mummy if you were still well... We missed out on so much. The doctors, the illness - robbed us of 25 years of our lives!! Wasn't fair..


Now it is over. Can never get the time back. I only hope that I will see you again.

Love.
Your daughter
May 18, 2020
May 18, 2020
Dear Papa

I look at your picture and can't believe that you are gone! I feel such a stabbing pain in my heart. I don't know why but losing you still seems like a shock and untrue. I feel like I could go to Belmont and find you there. You used to tell all the nurses "my daughter is coming today" whenever I came for a visit. 

You suffered so much - so undeservedly. That is what makes me sad the most. I should have taken better care of you - should have been there for you just like you were there for me - always. 

It is all too late. I just miss you so very much. Wish I dreamt of you more often - at least then I will have you for those few moments. Papa, I love you very much. Hope you know that.

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
March 22, 2020
March 22, 2020
Dear Papa

I don't think I can ever get used to of the idea that you are not there anymore... May be because you were the last of the four and I relied on you so much. When you were here, I had a 'home' to go to. It takes me with a momentary surprise when I think and know I can't go anywhere and find you.

You and I became very dependent on one another after Mummy. I needed you more than you knew and hope that you know now from wherever you are. I still need you. Last week I saw you in my dreams a few times. I mostly seem to see you with you having problems walking but you seem happy. But then you always smiled...

You were sure that you and Mummy will meet again even if you didn't recognize each other in new life... I hope that you will come for me when it is my time and that I would see and know you...

Missing you very much and love you always.
Your daughter
March 6, 2020
March 6, 2020
Dear Papa

I prove every time I am sick or have some issue that I am more your daughter and less of Mummy's :-) Not only that I look like you, I feel the way you do.

Actually even Chris mentioned to me one day that I looked like you. It made me really happy.

Couple of weeks ago we were at the park and took a walk around the lake. We stopped by that gazpacho where Chris left you to go get the car because it was raining. You and he went for a mobility scooter / bike ride. He talks about that whenever we are there.

I miss you so very much!
Love you
Your daughter

February 17, 2020
February 17, 2020
Dear Papa

My heart aches when I think of you - your smile and your jokes...

Even now it is hard to believe that you are gone. There are times when it comes to me with a start that you are not there - not anywhere where I can reach out and touch you.

Wish you were at home with me when your time came. You must have suffered unimaginable emotional pain when you were left alone in the nursing home but you always smiled and never complained. You were so accepting. It still amazes me.

I would have you and Mummy with me if I could do it again. But there are no second chances.

Come and give me your hand one more time...

Love you and miss you
Your daughter
February 13, 2020
February 13, 2020
Dear Papa

I thought of you this morning and now - as this marks the 7th anniversary of the day that was the beginning of the end for life as we all knew it. At this time, around 7:26pm 7 years ago you were going about your business as usual, preparing to teach the exercise class in the morning... probably annoyed with Mummy about something or other and she with you...

Little did we know that next morning will bring about the most devastating time of your life - and as a result ours - more so of Mummy's. I still remember Shailu's voice on phone telling me "Papa ko stroke ho gaya...". It didn't really register just at that moment. You were always so active and it just didn't seem as serious at that moment on the phone as it slowly started to make itself clearer.

I still keep asking "why?" for so many things -- why and how can someone as healthy as you could have a stroke and be bound to a chair? Why did you not tried harder and make it a priority above all to get moving? Why did Mummy's doctors not pay attention? Why didn't I take family leave and spent more time with you and Mummy? Why and why and never ending whys... and what ifs....

Nothing will change anything now. I loved you then and I love you now and you are always in my heart and therefore near. So what's the difference? I just wish we had more time together. Neither you nor Mummy were at the age where one could say that well, they lived a long life... There was so much for us to still to do together; so many places to visit and see...

Missing you very much today. Love you always.
Your daughter


February 7, 2020
February 7, 2020
Dear Papa

I saw you in my dream last night. You had fallen or something and couldn't stand. As they took you to hospital, you were crying. Next I was talking with someone later on and they said that you were better and that you could stand and that you were smiling. I remember thinking how brave you were and wondered where that courage and smile comes from...

Papa, I miss you so very much. I keep seeing your face that I saw as I turned back and looked on October 21st, 17 as I left Belmont. I so wish I was there when your time came just like I was there for Mummy. It makes me so sad to think that you were all alone in a nursing home when you breathed your last. You had me - you weren't alone and I should have been there. You used to tell all the nurses so proudly 'my daughter is coming today' whenever I came there. 

You are always with me - in my heart and in my memory.

I was the lucky one...

Love you and Miss you always.
Your daughter


January 18, 2020
January 18, 2020
Dear Papa

You would have liked the 2020 calendar. I added lots of new photos including the family photo from long ago - before my time. But it has Babaji Ammaji, all four of you brothers, both Taiji, Mummy and two more - may be two bua and Chitra jeeji, Madhu bhaiya, Neeraj and Pappu bhaiya. The calendar sits on yours and mummy's memorial table at the Senior Centre. Your memorial funds are benefiting people there by supporting Arts and Craft as well as Exercise program - the programs that were important to both of you.

You liked the one for 2018 but you never got to use it. I am glad that it reached you in time so you could see it.

Papa, I miss you so very much - all four of you. When I get too overwhelmed by things, I think back to the days when we were all in India and life was much simpler. And the memories calm me down and make me feel rooted again.

I love you and miss you every day - all the time. Hope you know that.
Your daughter





January 1, 2020
January 1, 2020
Dear Papa

I was trying to remember where you and I were on January 1, 2017. I think you had just arrived at Belmont and I came to see you soon after. You had told all the nurses "my daughter is coming...". You were all smiles when I reached there -- the smile I still wonder at. I did not inherit that strength from you and Mummy.

Anyway, here's another year gone without you - the 3rd January 1st since you have been gone.

Missing you just as much.
Your friends in Wisconsin miss you and think of you still.

In my heart always.
Love you
Happy New Year.
Your daughter
December 29, 2019
December 29, 2019
Dear Papa

I am so glad that we made that trip together to Minneapolis in 2015. That was our last trip together but it has left me with some good memories. We probably should not have done it :-) -- given your condition. But it turned out well and I am so happy that you had a wonderful time with Anju's family.

Papa, I am missing you so much today. But then I miss you the same every day. It is just that now it has been 2 years without you - last of my own family. I still need you very much and would give anything to have you back for just one more day... Wish I could see you in my dream...

I don't have a place to go anymore - home - even when you were at Belmont, it felt like I was going home when I came to see you. There was someone who loved me very much at the other end of the phone. 

Wish I had come to see you on that last Xmas... that is my biggest regret now. I just wish...

But that is all I can do now.
Miss you and Love you...
Your daughter


December 28, 2019
December 28, 2019
Dear Papa

I woke up this morning and thought of you - this was the last morning two years ago when you woke up... never again. Wondered what you were thinking. I know you were tremendously sad, lonely and unwell. I know you felt just desperate for all of this to be over. Did you call out for Mummy to come and take you away? Did you call for Ammaji? I know you missed her very much.

There is no way for me to imagine what you went through and felt. No one can. Some day if I am in your position, may be I will. I do hope that you knew in your heart how much I loved you and how alone I will be once you were gone. Your parting gift to me was your last birthday present to me - the card that read "Her Beti kai bhagya mein pita hota hai, Per her Pita kai bhagya mein beti nehi hoti - So I am lucky". Papa, I wish I could take away your pain. Wish you were more at peace in the end. You suffered so much and all I could do was watch. 

I just miss you so much.

I remember how happy and excited you were when you got your license back and bought that van and came to pick me up at the airport twice. You were brave - crazily so... but you were without fear - almost like a child would be. But you never ever told me how much it hurt when that went away again... when you couldn't eat anything anymore and you loved food! I remember how desperate you were in October 2016 just before they installed feeding tube to go to that new Indian restaurant you heard about. You wanted me to take you. What wouldn't I have done to be able to?

Sorry that we never got to go to that South Indian restaurant for there huge dosa you loved so much in Maryland when you were here in August 2015. It was such a hot day and it was so crowded! I thought we would do it next time. But there was no next time...

I think about you so much but rarely do you come in my dreams. Just come one more time and give me a hug and tell me that you are happy now with Mummy, Ammaji, Babaji and Tauji and ... all those who were and are deeply loved even now and will always be.

Missing you very much. Love always.
Your daughter



December 25, 2019
December 25, 2019
Happy 61st Marriage Anniversary - Papa Mummy -- wherever you are.

Thinking of you today and always.

Love you very much and miss you even more.
Your daughter
December 24, 2019
December 24, 2019
Dear Mummy Papa

61 years ago today you were both preparing for your big day tomorrow at this time. So much of your life ahead of you. You were both so young. Looking back now life seems so short. But your story is not over - not until I am gone. Even then you will be remembered by those who will benefit from your legacy - I have made sure of that.

Yesterday morning I woke up and had such a strong wish to call you. But I don't know how. Can you see me and hear my voice when I talk to you? Will you come for me when it is my time?

Tomorrow is your day and I will make pakori. Both of you liked it. 

I miss you always. But will miss you more tomorrow. Our last time together on your anniversary was in 2012 when I came to Madison. We made pizza!
Miss those days... miss the cappuccino... miss so many things.

Love you very much
Your daughter
December 19, 2019
December 19, 2019
Dear Papa

Today, 2 years ago, was a very bad day. You were so sad and so unwell. Still Jerri and I talked and we thought you would be around for at least couple of more years. But you went away in 10 days... If only I knew or suspected...

Whenever I think of you, I always see your smiling face. You always had that teasing or happy smile. But also I think of how you looked and your tears on October 21st night when Chris and I left you at Belmont. But somehow I always picture your younger face. I was so sad to leave you... to leave you there all alone. While it was stressful time for us, but it was nothing compared to you - you - who was left all alone in a nursing home with strangers. I live with that thought and will have to always.

Oh Papa it is so hard to believe that you are gone almost two years now. I miss you so very much! I wish I could come and see you one more time. Wish you could come here again. Wonder how our lives would have been you didn't have a stroke. I am sorry that it happened. If I had been there that night, may be I could have recognized it and may be... There are so many may be's. You were so full of life; and even after stroke mostly you were so motivated to do so many things... I just don't know how...

I love you so very much and thinking of you more on this day.

Miss you.
Your daughter
December 8, 2019
December 8, 2019
Dear Papa

For your last Christmas Anniversary you surprised me by telling me that you wanted colors for gift as opposed to your usual digital stuff. I was so happy to see you so excited about painting.

You were amazing! I hope I have the strength that you had if and when my time comes.

Love you and thinking about you.
Your daughter
December 7, 2019
December 7, 2019
Mujhai akailee chod gayai... Papa, did you think about me in your last moments? I think of you all the time and wonder at how you smiled all the time! Wish I was with you at the end just like you and I were with Mummy as she breathed her last. Without you my World is very empty - emptier than I thought it would be when you were around. I guess one can never really imagine until it happens. It is almost 2 years since you have been gone! It just hurts so much not to be able to call you... and not having you call me. We both relied so much on one another after Mummy... 

There is no more home to go back to...

Missing you so much today.
Love you
Your daughter
November 27, 2019
November 27, 2019
Missing you today very much...

Two years ago you called and texted me so many times. Not today. But I know you are smiling down at me from wherever you are...

Love
Gudia
October 10, 2019
October 10, 2019
Dear Papa

I was just looking at pictures in your gallery. From my wedding day in September 2005 to October 16th - how much you changed! How many things had changed by then! Oh, how I miss all that is now gone! And how I miss you!!!

Love you today and always.
Your daughter
October 9, 2019
October 9, 2019
Dear Papa

You are not alone on this holiday; not like in 2016. Look down on me from time to time and give me a sign that you are somewhere happy. No more heartaches for you and I am happy for that.

Love you and miss you
Your daughter
October 7, 2019
October 7, 2019
Chacha . I have a lot of moments with u to remember . You loved me a lot . Helped me a lot . We got blessings from you and grand parents even you though you left us. That is some thing very special to us via a gesture of dear gudiya . She talks so many things about you and chachi . And still looks forward to see you again some time in her life time . But cha destiny is different . While wishing a very happy birthday to you .. I also have right for asking a return gift in form of continued blessings to us. Hope you liked Rasgulla as promised by Gudiya. I am also trying to remember a song which you love to Singh "lari apa" visiting of Nauchandi mela with you was special in our childhood . Seen TV there for the first time some time in 1965 or so. Dance programs magic show mirror show use to be very new to us .
Stay happy where ever you are . My best wishes on your birthday once again .
Regards. 
October 6, 2019
October 6, 2019
Thinking of you on your 84th birthday.  It was such an honor to have known though only a short period of time.
October 6, 2019
October 6, 2019
Happy 86th Birthday, Papa!

Two years ago on this day I called Belmont to see how you were doing. Jerri told me that you woke up with a smile on your face because it was your birthday. Where did you find the strength to smile so much that everyone remembers you for? But I am grateful for you having it...

I lit a candle for you at midnight. 

You didn't leave a message or anything for me as you left us. I don't know how to call you now.

Missing you on this day very much. I will have a rasgulla for you today...

Love you.
Miss you.
Wishing you a happy birthday wherever you are. Celebrate with Mummy and Babaji-Ammaji.
Your daughter
October 2, 2019
October 2, 2019
Dear Papa

Today is Ammaji's day. The only consolation I have is that you were there when her time came. I think she was waiting for you. 

I posted a photo today that you loved of hers. Though you are with her now and probably don't need the pictures...

Missing you very much
Love
Your daughter
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May 12
Dear Papa

Somehow it was easier - to bear the loss of Mummy - when you were here...
We both loved her and the shared grief was ours and it helped having you around since we both knew her story...

You tried... I didn't try enough - to protect her.
I feel such pain deep inside me but as Chris says, there's nothing to be done now.

I was just looking at a picture of her and me at the outer banks beach - standing together under the blue sky and warm sun watching the waves come and go. It looks so peaceful and I wonder if it is real and whether we were truly there - happy and together...

It is yet another Mother's Day - 11th without her. It seems so long ago and yet at the same time, just like yesterday.

Love
Your daughter
April 26
April 26
Dear Papa

Are you with Babaji today? Will you give a hug to him for me?

Missing you all very much - today and always
Your daughter
April 24
April 24
Dear Papa

I made cappuccino again yesterday after a few weeks. It just doesn't taste the same... Seems such a lot of work for just myself. I wish Chris was a coffee person but he is not. 

I miss three of us enjoying our cups of cappuccino in the afternoons.

Few years ago when I was in Madison, I was sitting in the lobby area where we used to sit and enjoy it from the coffee shop there. But Pete tells me that the lobby has been renovated and that it looks very different now. I don't think I will go there anymore whenever I go back to Madison. I want to remember it the way it used to be - just like our home in Meerut - I would not want to go back and alter the picture I have of the years we were there - happy and content and surrounded by just love.

So sounds like Agarwal uncle has also passed away - 4 years ago! I only found out recently from Guddu. All the familiar places and people are now gone. I found a letter from Raje tauji yesterday - written a long time ago. He said "Gargi has grown into a naughty loving girl and keeps us all engaged. Very often she reminds us of you in your childhood.". No one is now left who remembers me from my "childhood". That was a long time ago - wasn't it - "my childhood". Still I miss it. Miss the people who loved and cared about me - miss the simplicity of life when "little" was "enough" because life was simpler. 

Still I don't have anything to complain about. I have been very lucky - very lucky, indeed. I just hope that my luck will continue to be good and that Chris will be the one to bury me. He reminds me so much of Babaji in the way he is so protective of me. There has to be Babaji's hand in me finding him...

Anyway, I have drifted far from Cappuccino to closing my eyes forever :)
I miss your coffee - your enthusiasm to learn new things and the upbeat attitude you had until the end - never complaining; never demanding; and always smiling.

Love always.
Your daughter
Recent stories

Scholarships through NASH Foundation

October 6, 2023
This scholarship was created to award some funds to a student per year in hopes for continuing Babaji and Ammaji's legacy.  Even if just one of these students serves the community free of charge once they become doctors, this whole effort will have been worth everything.

It is because of the sacrifices my Babaji Ammaji and Papa Mummy made, that I am able to make this tiny effort to carry on their legacy.

The new Patio at Fitchburg Senior Center

October 6, 2023
Thought you would like to see it...
I made some small contributions to it on your behalf... So I feel this belongs partly to you along with so many others who kindly donated.

Your memory lives on ...

October 6, 2023
Jill has been so very kind to me all through these years.  Her friendship is a gift to me from both of you.
She asked me if I would like a plaque at the new patio they have built outside the Senior Center for people to sit around, chat and socialize.  It looks beautiful in pictures!  

Jill says that both of you would like it. I hope so.  Maybe this is all the birthday gift I can give you?  Your name will go on as long as the center stands.  And you will live on as long as I live.

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