ForeverMissed
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This memorial website was created in memory of my father, Sushil Bansal, 84, born on October 6, 1933 and passed away on December 29, 2017. He will live on in our hearts forever.

My father was suffering from complications due to stroke and since June this year after a surgery he started to have more problems. While he suffered with multiple issues this year, it appears that he went to sleep on the night of December 28th and just didn't wake up and went peacefully. He was at Belmont Nursing Home in Madison, Wisconsin at this time and had been there for little less than a year.

He was born in Meerut, India, the son of Dr. Dhanpat Rai and Smt. Prakash Vati (Goyal) Gupta. He married Saroj Rastogi on December 25, 1958, in Mawana, India. It was an arranged marriage. They saw one-another for the first time after they were married! They were rarely ever apart until my Mom passed away on September 8, 2013. My father was an accountant by profession. He had a Masters in Mathematics. His first job was as a teacher at a school in Meerut but soon he found a position working as an accountant for the Government Of India. He always worked very hard and no matter how difficult the situation became, he never let any of know that there were problems. In 1977 we moved to the United States and he worked with the Embassy of India in Washington DC for four years. Eventually he resigned from the Government Service and stayed on here so that we, the children could have a better life. After living in Maryland for 23 years they moved to Madison, Wisconsin along with his son's family.

He has always been the quiet one; most comfortable with papers, figures, computers but at the same time he did have a witty sense of humor. He always enjoyed a challenge – learning a new skill like web site development, mastering photography, creating projects on Shutterfly. He loved taking walks. My parents used to take regular a mile walk at least once a day, no matter how cold it was. They both loved to travel. We travelled a lot together both in India as well as here in the States. We went on a Cruise many years ago and this became his favorite way of vacationing. He was very actively involved with Indian American Association in Madison. He loved playing Bridge and created a Bridge Group at the Fitchburg Senior Center. He also volunteered there for various activities including exercise program. He was supposed to teach Exercise class there a day after he had his stroke on February 14, 2013. Stroke left his left side weak. He loved working with the therapists and worked very hard to gain his strength back. He joined Adaptive Fitness class at the UW Natatorium offered by Tim Gattenby in Summer of 2013 and attended every session until the Fall of 2017 when he was too ill and weak from several complications due to Stroke. He loved this class; loved working with the students who doted on him; found a wonderful friend in Tim who went out of his way many times to help and work with my Dad. My Dad was very much looking forward to starting this class again on January 30th, 2018, but... He was definitely a fearless and adventureous soul.

His final year was spent at Belmont Nursing Home and Rehab. He was happy there and actually considered it second best place to home. Special thanks to Gail, Jerri, Essa, Pam, Chad, Joan and Katie who went out of their way many times to make his life a bit easier; and to the Activities Staff for discovering an artist in my father who had never before used a paint brush.

He is survived by his Son, Ashish; daughter-in-law, Gauri; grand-daughters, Priya and Pramita; daughter, Sandhia; and son-in-law, Christopher. He was preceded in death by his parents (Dr. Dhanpat Rai Gupta and Smt. Prakash Vati); 3 brothers – two older (Rajendra Kumar Bansal and Sukumar Chandra Bansal) and a younger one (Subodh Kumar Bansal); his wife and my Mom, Saroj Bansal and his older sister-in-law, Bala Bansal.

October 6, 2019
October 6, 2019
Happy 86th Birthday, Papa!

Two years ago on this day I called Belmont to see how you were doing. Jerri told me that you woke up with a smile on your face because it was your birthday. Where did you find the strength to smile so much that everyone remembers you for? But I am grateful for you having it...

I lit a candle for you at midnight. 

You didn't leave a message or anything for me as you left us. I don't know how to call you now.

Missing you on this day very much. I will have a rasgulla for you today...

Love you.
Miss you.
Wishing you a happy birthday wherever you are. Celebrate with Mummy and Babaji-Ammaji.
Your daughter
October 2, 2019
October 2, 2019
Dear Papa

Today is Ammaji's day. The only consolation I have is that you were there when her time came. I think she was waiting for you. 

I posted a photo today that you loved of hers. Though you are with her now and probably don't need the pictures...

Missing you very much
Love
Your daughter
September 26, 2019
September 26, 2019
Celebrating 121st and 113th Happy Birthday of Babaji and Ammaji today and thinking of all of you being together on this day. I hope you are happy wherever you are. 

Love you
Your daughter
September 25, 2019
September 25, 2019
Dear Papa

Missed your card today...
Where is our gift?

Wonder what you thought of this day 14 years ago... I remember you telling me 'dheerai chal' when you walked me down the aisle :-)

Missing you very much today... and always.
Love you.
Your daughter
September 14, 2019
September 14, 2019
Dear Papa

I hope you heard me at the Ocean. Last year we left you there. Today I just came to wish Mummy Happy Birthday and hoped that you will give me a sign. And you did. Even though weather was so bad that boats were cancelled, you cleared it for long enough for us to come and visit your resting place.

Hope you heard me...

Love you and Miss you
your daughter
September 10, 2019
September 10, 2019
Dear Papa

This morning at 4:30am 6 years ago you woke up crying as you thought of Mummy. It is not possible to imagine the loss that you felt but still we were together in our griefs and remembered Mummy together. There was that consolation that someone else besides myself felt the sorry I felt and experienced the loss with me. Now there is no one like that - no one to share Mummy with - no one to share Babaji Ammaji with. 

I don't think I realized then how much I relied on you and how much it meant to have someone else who knew my roots and who shared the feelings I had. I miss you so much for that - and for myself - and for your BIG smile. I still cannot figure out how you could smile like that until the end! Both you and Mummy had an inner strength that I lack. Same with Babaji and Ammaji. They were very strong. I am not. I need you - need the four of you. Wish I could have you here just for one day - even for an hour.

Wish you were here today with me to send off a balloon for Mummy. Wish you were here to go back to Clearwater to offer flowers to her. But now you are there too - only not in the way I would want. Wish you were both here with me and not at Sea.

Missing you very much today.
Your daughter
September 7, 2019
September 7, 2019
Dear Papa

You and I were with Mummy today for the last time. She would be there next day. You talked so little about your feelings.  I cannot pretend that I can understand exactly how you must have felt... afraid, sad? Or may be you were like me and couldn't really imagine that she was slowly fading? More likely the later...

Now even you are not here and so I can't talk to anyone about all that. Can't go with you anymore to send a balloon up! But there are lots of Monarchs flying about your bench and having a party. I know that they can communicate with all of you.

Wish you were still here.

Missing you very much.
Your daughter
September 5, 2019
September 5, 2019
Dear Papa

Here is September again. We came here 42 years ago...; Mummy was born and gone in the same month; Babaji and Ammaji were born this month; Chris and I were married; and Chris joined the Air Force this month many years ago. Ammaji left us on October 1st - just a day after this month is over. So there are lots of things to celebrate in September and lots to mourn for. Your birthday is coming us next month. You have been gone a year and little over 8 months now... Where has the time gone? When you were here, I had my roots - I knew I could always go and see you. You were my shield. 

Hope you know how much I miss you!

Love you
Your daughter
August 27, 2019
August 27, 2019
Dear Papa

I hope you can see the scholarship in Babaji Ammaji's name that your inheritance has helped to set up! We wanted to do this for so long.


https://homeopathy.org/product/gupta-fund-donation/

Wish you were here now. 
Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
Wish you were here now. 
Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
August 25, 2019
August 25, 2019
Dear Papa

When I texted you at 8:13pm on December 27th, 2018 thinking that I would call you next day, I didn't know that the next day will never come!

I saw you in my dream last night and night before with Mummy.

Miss you so much... so very much...
Love you.
Your daughter
August 18, 2019
August 18, 2019
Dear Papa

Hope you can see that the other half of the money you left has been put to good use and a scholarship three of us always wanted to start in Babaji Ammaji's name has been established. First recipient has already been selected. Wish you were here to see this but I am sure that wherever you are you can see this and are smiling. 

Love you always.
Missing you forever.
Your daughter
August 9, 2019
August 9, 2019
Dear Papa

Thinking of you a lot this morning and my heart is filled with sadness. I was remembering the time in October 2016 when I came to see you at the hospital. You could not swallow anything at all at that point and thought your time had come. You told me so when I got there and you held my hand so tight when I tried to get up to get the nurse. Somehow, just like at Mummy's time, I guess my brain was protecting me and I did not take you seriously. Wish I took the time off to stay with you during that whole hospital time. I shouldn't have left - especially when just as Chris and I were leaving you in the room to go to airport, you said "this won't get better now.". I was a bit short with you then (because I think I was very scared) and told you that you were wrong and that doctors were sure they could fix this. And then I left. Should have stayed with you and held your hand. You never left Mummy alone in the hospital... never. Took such good care of her and watched over her as nurses came in and out and gave her medicines. But you didn't get same care when it was your time. I tried to stay but should have tried harder and taken more time off. 

I feel really sad just now as I miss you so very much. Still hard to believe that you are gone. Papa, I miss you... miss you.... Miss knowing I could call you whenever I wanted. I am sorry that you suffered so much in the end - you who was never sick during your whole life time and in the end were handed such a blow! How can I or anyone else imagine what it is like to not be able to move your body just all of a sudden? What it must have been like for you and then losing Mummy... You never talked much. Wish I forced you to talk more. I wish...


It is a lovely garden surrounding yours and Mummy's bench that Kevin pours his heart in. I know you love it.


Love you. Missing you so very much!
Your daughter


July 11, 2019
July 11, 2019
Dear Papa

I was sitting in the bus yesterday on my way home. This person sat down next to me - a very nice man from India. He kept taking papers and folders out of his bag and studying them! He reminded me of you. You were always shuffling/reading papers all the time - couldn't sit idle for few minutes :-)
I told him that he reminded me of you. He said he would like to meet you. I wish you two could meet. I think you would have become friends.

I had a very bad dream about you few days ago. You were very ill. I would like to forget that one... Hope you are happy and are with Babaji, Ammaji, Mummy and all other family and have no time to think of me :-) Just want you to be happy. 

I often think about how you never raised your voice at us and never let us see when you were upset or worried. I wasn't that strong. I am sorry Papa that I became very overwhelmed and took it out on you. I wasn't supposed to leave you alone at Belmont and had myself a promise that I would always come to be with you when Shailu went away. But that last Christmas, I didn't come even though you asked me to. I thought I would go back in February - that was my plan. But I think you became convinced that even I didn't need you and went away. You had told Mummy that you would go to her when someone here didn't need you. But I did, and do need you Papa. I am so sorry... But its too late. 

Love you Papa. And miss you very much.
Your daughter
June 26, 2019
June 26, 2019
Dear Papa

I hope that you can see and are happy about your money coming to the best use possible. You, Mummy and I talked several times about having a scholarship set up in memory of Babaji and Ammaji. It is now - and it will go to help students who want to study Homeopathy. I think you are happy and you were showing it to me by way of Monarchs at your bench. This is the first two butterflies that I saw and Kevin even hadn't seen any before. So I know that you, Mummy, Babaji and Ammaji are somewhere close.

Love you
Your daughter
June 16, 2019
June 16, 2019
Dear Papa

Did you see me today sitting at your bench? No so long ago, both of us went there together and you sent off a balloon off for Mummy. I didn't send a balloon; just talked to you a little. I hope you can see me and know how much I miss you. It all seems like yesterday!  Strange but seems like all my lost days happened yesterday. So many memories and so much of 'should have, would have'; and so much of what we all did together. One of the things that I miss most is our travels together. We did do a lot of that, didn't we? If Mummy had stayed well, how our lives would have been different! The places we would have seen! She had the most beautiful and kiddish smile when she was happy. But then it was stolen...

It felt strange to come here today since I never came on Father's Day to WI. But I wanted to see your bench. I am still surprised at the note that you wrote for Mummy just before you left us. You must have written it to her on her birthday - 'September is for your happy birthday; September is for missing you forever...'. I didn't know you were that poetic. I hope that she knows what was in your heart now and smiles a lot now.

In that picture from September 2015 at the bench, you look so healthy! Even two days before you went, I was expecting you to be around at least another couple of years. But you were tired! I can see now how tired you were. "Can you help me die?" you asked me once. I thought you asked me that because you were angry at me. But I know now. I cannot even imagine the sorry and pain you must have felt at being left at the nursing home. I did try, didn't I - to keep you out? But we were at a little bit of cross-purpose with one another - weren't we? Ammaji used to say, "You two fight like brother and sister" :-) 

Coming from the airport, I looked for your car or van to pick me up. But you weren't there. You picked me up in your van twice! I am very proud of you because you did overcome a lot and did much more than I can ever do. Now in hindsight I can see how you were entitled to your obstinacy.

Oh, so wish that you were here today. Just one more time... Wish I could have that 'home' feeling again.

Papa, I always needed you and need you now. I was the lucky one...

Love you and miss you.
Happy Father's Day!
Your daughter
May 12, 2019
May 12, 2019
Dear Papa

You came in my dream last night. I woke up with such overwhelming sense of missing Mummy. You were there in my dream with me when I said to mummy "Aaj tumhari bahut yaad aa rehi hai". You looked at me and I at you and we shared our grief and understood one another. I miss that. I miss you so much. You and I shared her memories the way no one could share with me. Papa, why did you not wait for me? I would have wanted to be there when your time came so I could hold your hand.

Do you remember when I came to hospital in 2016 - October - and you were in very bad condition. You held my hand so tight and wouldn't let you go when you said "I am going now"... Why didn't you wait for me? One day I was overwhelmed with too much to do and the next... nothing...

I am happy that you came in my dream on this Mother's day. It helped... very much... 

I miss you and still need you with me.
Your Beti.
May 6, 2019
May 6, 2019
Dear Papa

You have been gone for 1 year, 4 months and 8 days and yet it hits me like a shock sometimes when I think of it. How can this be?? You were my rock and I tried to be yours after Mummy. Two of us shared the grief of losing her and remembered her together. Now there is no one who can feel exactly like that and share it with me. It feels very lonely and very strange. Somehow I guess I thought you would always be around. But...

Missing you is all I can do now.
Love you
Your daughter
April 15, 2019
April 15, 2019
Dear Papa

I thought "Thodai dino kai liyai papa kai paas chali jaoon" so many times today and wished I could actually say it. Even when you were at Belmont, I had a home with you. I needed you; need you to be there for me. Why did you leave without saying a word to me? Did you possibly imagine that I didn't need you anymore? Oh papa, we fought so much and toward the end very much but I loved you so much; worried about you so much; hoped for you so much - more than for anything. I just knew that you can walk again and stay out of nursing home if you really tried. I ask that question even now often "Why, why didn't he work harder?" and I get no answer. I was mad at you because you made me worry about you so much. I know it sounds stupid and very self-centered but I wanted to see you well again... I hope you know that; I hope you knew it then.

Nothing is the same without you. I wish I could have a day with all four of you but... Will I see you again?

Miss you so very much and love you more.
Your daughter
March 24, 2019
March 24, 2019
Dear Papa
Hope you can see that you are still making a difference.

Wish you were here.
Missing you and love you
Your daughter.
==============================================================
At Fitchburg Senior Center - From their Newsletter---
Paint Class
Whether you are a master painter or have never picked up a paint brush, this will be a
fun event for all! Each person will be creating an acrylic painting on a 16 x 20 canvas.
Local artist and instructor, Sara Lenz, will be here to instruct and help you create your own
beautiful piece of art! Join us and spend the morning expressing your creativity!
Wednesday, April 17 from 10:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m. Cost $35.
Scholarships are available and have been made possible by the
Sushil Bansal Arts Memorial Fund.
March 3, 2019
March 3, 2019
Dear Papa

One year today, two months and three days. You are actually gone!
I just was looking through some of the pictures that were on your phone. You took a picture of your room at Belmont. I saw that and had a feeling that you would be right back; that you have just gone out to the activities or therapy or something. Your laptop is on your bed and your beloved scooter is standing by. How can it be that you are gone forever? On October 21st when I left you, I told you 'see you next time'. But there was no 'next time' for us - was there? I wasn't to know that then. 

Whenever I walk by those couple of places I used to text you from at work; where I used to talk to you or your doctors, I feel such pain in my heart.  When you were there, I just thought life would continue in that manner - at least for another couple of years. But you just left so suddenly. How could you do that? I am sure Mummy came that night for you for you were so very sad and alone at that time. I know you were very sad because I too had a part in making you so sad. But you knew how much I loved you and how alone I would be without you. Then how could you just leave me without saying goodbye. Why didn't you call me?

Papa, I need you back. Please come back.

Love you so much and miss you too.
Your daughter
February 15, 2019
February 15, 2019
Dear Papa

At this time 6 years ago you woke up in hospital not to be able to move your left side and not be able to clearly speak or think. You were expected to be at the Senior Center just at this time this day to teach an exercise class. How can anyone possibly imagine the emotional trauma you felt? I remember getting a call around 10 from Shailu that you had had a stroke. I remember where I was sitting and the conversation. When I called you, you bowled out so loud and cried - I can still hear that sound. It broke my heart!

But I never heard you ever complain or look sad about your situation after that - never! You smiled a lot while staying stubborn about 'not' doing enough (at least in my mind) working out.

I wish I could turn back the time and change something to stop this from happening to you. Had I been with you at the time, could I have recognized the symptoms of stroke and prevented it? I think so. I should have had both of you with me and not in Wisconsin. 

I saw Mummy in my dream last night - someone gave her a new rose bush of yellow flowers and she looked overjoyed with it! I remember that you wanted to place a yellow rose with her before sending her off. I will plant a yellow rose bush this summer. I hope you two are happy together with rest of the family. But I miss you... very much...

Love you
Your daughter
January 28, 2019
January 28, 2019
Dear Papa

I sent your share of Calendar to Dr. Perry today. I have been thinking of her a lot as she was such a big part of Mummy's care and our lives. She deserved to know that you have also left us. It broke my heart once again to write that letter to her. 

I hope you are smiling just like you used to when you were here. I still wonder at it every time I see your photo where you are laughing with all your heart; I wonder how you did that. You were stronger than I thought you were! I am not strong.

I love you and miss you.
Your daughter
January 21, 2019
January 21, 2019
Wish I could find you again.
I feel like if I go to Belmont, there you will be... It's been so long since you texted me 'where are you?', 'what time is your flight?'.
It's been so long since the phone rang for me... and you were at the other end...

Papa, why didn't you talk to me and prepare me for how to go on without you? You kept me so busy and now there is nothing...

Missing you so much
Your daughter
January 4, 2019
January 4, 2019
Dear Papa

Today was the day we said our final goodbyes to you... Lots of your friends came to see you off. Hope you saw the gathering and were proud of the legacy you left behind.

You haven't been there for more than a year now but I just can't get used to of you not being there. I feel like you would be right where I left you last on the evening of October 21st, 2017, hugged you and told you 'see you next time'. I WILL see you - I am sure of it. But until then I miss you very much. Miss your calls and texts; miss our fights and miss your obstinate replies to my texts. Miss you sooooo much.

Yesterday driving home I was thinking of you and suddenly had a strange feeling as if I lost a son in you... For five years I got used to of trying to take care of you - more than you would allow me to and suddenly had this empty feeling of not being able to do that anymore.

Papa, I miss saying the word 'Papa'. Sometimes I just say it out loud so I don't forget how it sounds.

Missing you extra hard today.
Love you
Your daughter
January 1, 2019
January 1, 2019
Dear Papa

Happy New Year, wherever you are...

It still feels very strange you not being there. I miss the feeling of 'home' and a sense of having roots somewhere. Its all gone now.

Missing you on this day and always...

Your daughter
December 30, 2018
December 30, 2018
Dear chacha ,
A year past that we have not heard your voice . I hope you also met mummy while in heaven .
You are always remembered by us with your fond memories . Your very simple life style is not very easy to follow .
May your noble soul rest in peace now .
I am your
Pappu
December 29, 2018
December 29, 2018
Dear Papa

I was looking at our text messages and saw that you never replied to my last text. I know you read it but...

I miss you and Mummy at the other end of the telephone line. Tracy was so looking forward to working with you and was really sad to hear that you were gone. She had you only for a week. She told me that you beat her at the board game you two played :-) I wish I had thought of her before. She was very good, very caring and very reliable. You have left such a void - now there is no one...

Anju reminded me this morning of our visit to Minneapolis in 2015 and of your smile as you held Dhruv. That was a good time, wasn't it? I enjoyed that ride with you - we stopped at Pizza Hut for lunch and it was nice to be able to have a little vacation (which turned out to be a memorable family vacation) with you the way we used to when we were all together. I am really happy that you were able to have that time with Anju's family and enjoy it. It was really a very nice change from regular routines. 

Wish we could do that again.

I miss the times when we used to take vacations; drive long distance to have lunch / dinner; just sit around the house and have your cappuccino with Mummy's cashews. I am sure Chris misses those cashews she used to make. Now that I think of it, last time you made cappuccino for us was December 2012 when I was there at your 54th wedding anniversary.

I have lots of good memories to cherish and I just try to feel blessed and thankful that I have those. I had the best family one can have and now I need to remember that, and smile at wonderful times we have. Now I don't remember our fights much; and we had some, didn't we? :-) But it was all part of our lives together and all of it is important. 

Wish I could send you the 2019 calendar!

Thank you for being my Papa... Thank you for being in my life...

Missing you today and always...
With Love
Your daughter
December 28, 2018
December 28, 2018
Dear Papa

This morning while getting ready for work, the thought occurred to me that this was the last morning you woke up a year ago! I wondered how you were feeling that morning and what you planned to do.

Missing you much - today and always...
Your daughter
December 26, 2018
December 26, 2018
Dear Mummy Papa

I thought of you all day yesterday. Wished I could call and wish you 60th Wedding Anniversary... I am happy that I was there with you at the last one you celebrated together - December 2012. We made pizza at home, remember? 

Nothing is the same without you. Wish I started making annual calendars before you were gone Mummy. I think you would have liked these. And Papa, I don't know how to send you the new calendar. You didn't leave a forwarding address. Hope you can see it from wherever you are. I remember you wrote to me last time in December 2017 that you liked the new calendar with its new photos. I thought of that often when I made the one for 2019. You never got to use the one for 2018. The year has gone by so quickly. I am sick this year at Christmas just as I was at last and I wondered at this coincidence whether you were back at Belmont again!

I didn't send off a balloon as I had promised - could not go out last couple of days. And I didn't make samosas as I was planning to. As soon as I am better, I will do both. I am sure you can see me and know that I thought of you every minute yesterday and missed you so very much.

Well, happy 60th Wedding Anniversary and Merry Christmas.
Love and miss you.
Your daughter
December 14, 2018
December 14, 2018
Dear Papa

Last year you told me you wanted colors for Christmas. You haven't told me yet what you would want this year... I wish I came last December when you asked me to. I thought that was a very difficult time, getting more difficult every day. But this is much harder...

Sending you a BIG hug wherever you are...

Missing you and Love you
Your daughter
November 27, 2018
November 27, 2018
Read it somewhere...
"
It’s your first birthday without your Pop. Remember all the years that he did call and cherish those memories. Time will ease the pain but never take it away.
"
November 27, 2018
November 27, 2018
Dear Papa

First one without all four of you.
Please give me strength to get through the day and live rest of my life in a way that you would approve. Give me the wisdom to cherish your memories and at the same time cherish what I still have.

I was looking at the clock last night after 11pm thinking that that's when a year ago you started calling to wish me happy birthday. I read your texts this morning from Nov 26th and 27th last year. Hard to believe you are not there anymore. Where are you? Papa, give me some of your strength as I need it. I know how looking back how strong you were. I love those pictures of you where you have a huge smile on your face. Teach me how to do that now that I miss you all so much. I watched your 'zipline' video again and felt so proud how brave you were. You were dealt a very bad hand but you did do well at handling it. I will not be able to if I get the same hand - I know it. 

Wish you would call.

Missed your call this morning.
Missing you very much today.
Your's Gudiya
November 26, 2018
November 26, 2018
Dear Papa

I suddenly had a very strong feeling that I needed you to call me. Long long time ago when I was a child, I read somewhere "Jisko aag kai hawalai ker aayai, phir aisa kyon lagta hai her aahut per ki wo kahi yeh wo to nehin?". Don't know why I remember it still - I couldn't have been more than 12 or 13. All was well then, still it made me sad, I remember, at the time. 

This will be my first birthday without anyone being present who was there when I was born. Won't you call me? I miss you so much that it hurts and I didn't think I would miss you much...

Come fight with me; argue with me; or just sit with me; call me on the phone... Why didn't you sit with me and talk to me about how to live on when all of you are gone?

I don't want my birthday - don't want anything where you cannot be. Babaji ammaji used to give me dehi and chheni; I know mine has been a full life; I have had everything one can ask for; and more. But now you all are gone and there is a big hole.

Come in my dream tonight and sing to me. I know you love me wherever you are; just let me see you one more time.

Love
Your daughter
November 25, 2018
November 25, 2018
Dear Papa

Will you call to wish me a Happy Birthday this year? Last year you called and sent so many texts! A year before you forgot because you were very ill but a year before that you left me a 'Happy Birthday' - singing message on phone. Hope you will come in my dream and sing it to me...

There have been so many first's this year and each one is more difficult than the last. But then I don't think it ever gets easier. 

I miss you two when I have something important happening and want to tell you; miss you when there is a far away restaurant I want to try out; miss you when I want to take a vacation... We did travel a lot together, didn't we? wish we could do it one more time...

You were here and now you are not... all four of you gone and I am still here. Feels a bit weird even now sometimes...

Missing you.
Your daughter
November 22, 2018
November 22, 2018
Dear Papa

I am thinking a lot about you today. You were in hospital on Thanksgiving Day last year and were in very bad condition. Now that I look back, I question often why I didn't take family leave to spend it with you. But at that time I didn't think that you would go away so soon and even though you were in bad condition, you always returned and bounced back. Also I was upset with you as you were not trying as hard as I thought you should to get up. I still think that you could have walked and fared much better if you really wanted to. But I also know now - because hindsight is 20x20 that it wasn't my call to make you do what I thought was good for you. I gave you all the tools that could make it possible for you to do better but I should also have respected your right to live as you felt fit. It would certainly have been better for me if you could walk again - but it wasn't my life to live.

And so, I am sorry for how I behaved and made you miserable.

It still haunts me when you wrote to me 'Can you help me die?'

Papa, this year Christmas will be harder than ever because you were all alone on this day and were miserable because you didn't get to send a balloon off for Mummy for your 59th anniversary. I promise to send one off to both of you on that day. Hope you will see it.

Papa, I miss you so much - so much more than I thought I would. Can you hear me when I call out your name?

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
November 21, 2018
November 21, 2018
Dear Papa

Missed you on the cruise. I know how much you wanted to go and I regretted it too much not having tried to take you. 

I tried to do the zip line for you, but I hope it counts that I went to step 3 before backing out for I was afraid. You would have done it - probably more than once!

Miss you so very much, Papa. I still see your tear-filled eyes on October 21st, last year when I left. Wish I stopped and gave you one more hug...

Hope you know how I miss you.

Love you
your daughter
October 31, 2018
October 31, 2018
Time runs so fast .. It is 10 months when we lost chacha and going to have 8 months to mummy on 8th November. I read your tributes on forever missed just now with tears in my eyes. 
Can we ever forget our own regrets which we are not able to do with our parents . Me too have a lot. Now no body is there to excuse us . But as i know our parents have already excused us before they left for heavenly abode. Reason behind is they were large and brave heart.
Papa told me just a day before his demise that . "Sorry i was unable to understand you earlier"
It happened when he was watching me day and night around only with him for 2 continuous days . Papa was waiting for Bhaiya and Bhabhi to come from patiala . And as soon both reached he breathed his last .
We both kokil and myself always regrets that before going she herself was so confident that she will be ok and comeback. In a day from hospital. At least papa spoke some words to me . But she was not able to give her blessing to me .
Anyway .
You still have maika in what ever manner
I can. . I will keep on reminding you holi Deepawali and other festivity . This is Deepawali is on 7th decmbet
October 31, 2018
October 31, 2018
Dear Papa

I sent your photobook to Andrew as a gift from you for his upcoming graduation - whenever it may be. I thought you would want that. 

Papa, how to move on without you? I am so sorry that I didn't come last year at Christmas even though you asked me to. I was sick and also my heart was full of so much regret and guilt and pain to watch you suffer as much as you did. I tried but may be tried in wrong direction.

I miss you so much.
Come back...
Your daughter
October 29, 2018
October 29, 2018
Dear Papa

I thought of you this morning as I drove early in the morning - 10 months ago today I drove to bus stop just like today - not having a clue that you were not at Belmont anymore; that you laid all alone in your last hour and went without saying goodbye. I have often wondered how is it my heart didn't feel that it broke just as you breathed your last. I wondered what I was thinking about as I drove that Friday, December 29th at 5:30 in the morning. I was probably worrying about you - that was what I did - or was mad at you about something. Little did I know that I had been left without any roots earlier that morning. When you were there, I had a place to visit - a place to call 'mine' and a person to call 'mine'. You were my rock even in this condition; you gave me strength. It feels really strange that all four of you are now gone!

I have dreamt of you last week couple of times. You and I were going to work at the same place - something strange like that.

I know Mummy came for you that night and that is my only consolation. It gives me peace of mind and so I hope that it is true.

Papa, I wish I took you on that cruise you wanted badly to go. We could probably have done it with the help of a caregiver. I wish... I wish you pressed me more but you never asked for anything. 

I have your paintings and I think I will scan them and have a quilt made of them. I think you would have liked that. I thought of you a lot at Dasharah this year - especially because you wrote that last 'status' in 2016 when you were all alone on this day at Artisan. I am so sorry that I left you alone but all these years since you and Mummy moved to Wisconsin, I haven't even known most of the times that it was Dasharah or Diwali. I didn't know it was Diwali when I came to see you on October 19th, 2017 - the last time we saw each other. So glad that we had that trip to Botanical Gardens. Thank you for sending me the pictures.

Missing you very much on this day.
Love
Your daughter
October 6, 2018
October 6, 2018
It is almost 10 months that i have not heard your voice. Miss you a lot after you Ma has also gone. remembering you on your birthday today
October 6, 2018
October 6, 2018
We always knew when it was Sushil's birthday. if fact on his first year with us in Adapted fitness I gave him a shirt. It might be the one in the picture on this tribute. He loved the attention and we loved to give it. I still have not pulled his workout file from the cabinet. I am content to just keep it there.
October 6, 2018
October 6, 2018
Happy Birthday, Papa

Last year I was in Williamsburg on this day. I called and talked with Jerri and she told me that you had a BIG smile on your face when you got up. She said you were doing okay. I am sorry I only texted you and sent a card. I was upset with you. I am so sorry, Papa... more sorry than you know. Last 6 months of your life were the most difficult for you and for me. I did not know how and what to do. Nothing was working and I felt very helpless in all ways possible. It is no excuse. I cannot undo anything. Just know that I loved (and love) you very much.

Now I don't know how to call you to wish you Happy Birthday...
I brought food you like yesterday. Hope you are somewhere to see it. Give me a sign, Papa... I miss you so very much.

I watched the DVDs you made last night and heard voices of Babaji, Ammaji, Mummy's, Chachaji's, Pappu bhaiya;s and yours. I am so happy that you made those - one of these I had never seen before. It is a best gift you have ever given to me. How did you make all these with one hand? I am so proud of you and all you accomplished until the last minute of your life. So proud that you even learnt to paint. I know you enjoyed it. I have a plan for all your paintings... Will share it with you some day when it is done.

Love you
Miss you on your day...
Your daughter
September 29, 2018
September 29, 2018
Dear Papa

I thought of you last night around 11:30 my time - that you had probably just got in bed that night 9 months ago and were looking at your cell phone. You probably didn't know that you wouldn't wake up next day... I found the check that you wrote to cash for yourself on the 26th and just hadn't had the chance yet to get it to the bank. I am so sorry that Laura betrayed your trust and that you lost that last person you could call whenever you needed something. I think this and also because I was mad at you, broke your heart. 

I know if doesn't do good to harp on things that cannot be undone but I just wish you didn't have to find out about Laura. You trusted her so much and I know she did do a lot for you. May be that was just payment for her services and it is good that now you owe her nothing. I hope that gives you peace wherever you are.

I just miss you so much... more than I can ever say or ever thought I would. I still relied on you lot more than I realized.

I am happy for the time we had together and last 5 years have been pretty concentrated around you and me. I miss that too.

Love you
Your daughter
September 25, 2018
September 25, 2018
Dear Papa

Missed your call today. Missed a card from you both. Last card you sent me was in 2012 that both of you signed! It is still sitting where I can see it ever day. I told Chris earlier that 13 years ago today both our parents were around and other than Babaji and Ammaji not being with us, life was pretty complete. Babaji Ammaji would have been so happy to have been here that day. I wonder often now why Ammaji never came to be with us - what prevented her coming. From her letters it sounds like she was very willing to come. I often wonder about things like these. I miss you all so very much.

No one remembers our day anymore. No one cares anymore. Miss your voice but I can still here it on audio - still not the same as 'real' thing.

Did you know I would miss you so much? You knew I would but did you know that I would miss you this much?

I did get a present from you and Mummy today!! I know you are somewhere watching out for me. Got new Endowment portfolio and your pictures that Joann found from your volunteer time at St. Mary's. Dina sent those to me and I happened to have got them today. Mummy has a BIG smile on your face and you are looking happy to be there at the gift shop to start the day. What a present! Thank you both.

Love you Papa - wherever you are.

Your daughter
September 23, 2018
September 23, 2018
Dear Papa

Here's a photo of three years ago on September 8, 2015 when we left Mummy at the same spot as you - at least we hope it was close enough.

Because I wasn't there with you in the end, there can never be a closure for me. Still somehow it doesn't quite seem real that you are gone - at least it feels very strange that you are not there. But you are always with me now - in my heart. I know you know how much I needed you still...

I found something on one of your disks - I believe you were leaving a message to me. You knew just as Mummy did that I would have very hard time bearing your loss. Thank you for that...

Will see you some day.

Your daughter
September 10, 2018
September 10, 2018
Dear Papa

I hope that I have carried out things in a manner that you would approve. Last time for Mummy, you were there and even in your condition, you took care of everything and it was easier for me. But this time it was very difficult. Probably the most difficult thing that I would ever have to do. Now your loss feels really real. Letting go of what remained of you - the physical part - was very hard but had to do it... You would have wanted that. Leaving you at sea and coming back was hard. You wanted so much to go on one more cruise and I could not take you. But this one last time I brought you on a boat - a nice sunny and warm day - and left you at sea forever. 

Driving back from there to drop Pandit Sureshji, I thought of you many times and held my cell phone in my hand - somehow hoping that you would call just like last time. Last time my cell was in the trunk and I didn't hear it ring when you called multiple times to find out where we were. And then later on you came to our room and spent couple of hours with me. This time you didn't. I don't know why - even though I know you are not around, I keep expecting a call or a text...  And even after 5 whole years for Mummy and 8 months for you - still once in a while just have this momentary feeling to pick up the phone and call you and then I remember that I cannot.

But then you are in my heart and I can just talk to you whenever I want. I know all four of you are with me and will be always.

Still I miss you... miss you very much.

Your daughter
September 7, 2018
September 7, 2018
Dear Papa

Here you go off to Clearwater - exactly 3 years since Mummy's time. You were there then to take care of things. Hadn't thought about at that time that this day will come so soon.
I want to keep you with me - or what physical remains are left - but I know you want to be with Mummy and too that I need to let you go. Not really letting you go though. You are a part of me or rather I am a part of you and you will live on as long as I do. 
Will be seeing you in my dreams...

Give Babaji, Ammaji and Mummy a big hug for me and tell them I miss them very much.
Will be seeing you...
Love
Your daughter
August 19, 2018
August 19, 2018
Dear Papa

For some reason I thought of that song you used to love and even sing in the good old days "Jane wo kaisai log thai jinkai pyar ko pyar mila... humnai to jab kaliyan maangi, katon ka haar mila...". 

Oh, it has been ages since I heard you sing it! 

Like you wrote on October 11, 2016 on Dashara - "All has changed"...

Will see you some day. I know all four of you will come for me when it is time.

Love you and miss you so terribly.
Your daughter
August 19, 2018
August 19, 2018
Dear Papa

I was just looking at the last card you sent me on my birthday last year and the photos that you printed on your printer from our October visit to the Botanical Gardens. I sent you photo paper to print those but I guess you never got the chance to do that. I wish I got a picture of me taken with you at the time but...

So many things remained unsaid and undone. So much regret. But yet I hope that you can now look down on us from wherever you are and see that both you and mummy live on in me and my memory and will live on forever in your legacy that will benefit so many.

Love you so very much.
Your daughter
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May 26
Dear Papa

Your song is on radio just now - reminded me of the time when you would sing it - Janai woh kaisai loge thai jinkai...

I can almost hear your voice. This was your favorite song...
Wish I could hear you sing again...

Love
Your daughter
New
May 24
Dear Papa

I have been thinking of something on and off but for some reason while we were on our way somewhere I allowed myself to fully tell myself what it was that has been bothering me. You were the only one who could answer this question...
So, I will never know...

I know that your spirit can read my thoughts and know what I am thinking. Won't you help me to understand? 

Who knows, perhaps some day... I dreamt of Maaji for the first time last night. The dream made me so happy! I have such a vague memory of her and this was the first time I saw her! Maybe she wanted me to know that she is with me just as you all are... always...

May 24th, 2024 - morning dream of Maaji...
A memorable day for me.

With all my love
Your daughter
May 12
Dear Papa

Somehow it was easier - to bear the loss of Mummy - when you were here...
We both loved her and the shared grief was ours and it helped having you around since we both knew her story...

You tried... I didn't try enough - to protect her.
I feel such pain deep inside me but as Chris says, there's nothing to be done now.

I was just looking at a picture of her and me at the outer banks beach - standing together under the blue sky and warm sun watching the waves come and go. It looks so peaceful and I wonder if it is real and whether we were truly there - happy and together...

It is yet another Mother's Day - 11th without her. It seems so long ago and yet at the same time, just like yesterday.

Love
Your daughter
Recent stories

Scholarships through NASH Foundation

October 6, 2023
This scholarship was created to award some funds to a student per year in hopes for continuing Babaji and Ammaji's legacy.  Even if just one of these students serves the community free of charge once they become doctors, this whole effort will have been worth everything.

It is because of the sacrifices my Babaji Ammaji and Papa Mummy made, that I am able to make this tiny effort to carry on their legacy.

The new Patio at Fitchburg Senior Center

October 6, 2023
Thought you would like to see it...
I made some small contributions to it on your behalf... So I feel this belongs partly to you along with so many others who kindly donated.

Your memory lives on ...

October 6, 2023
Jill has been so very kind to me all through these years.  Her friendship is a gift to me from both of you.
She asked me if I would like a plaque at the new patio they have built outside the Senior Center for people to sit around, chat and socialize.  It looks beautiful in pictures!  

Jill says that both of you would like it. I hope so.  Maybe this is all the birthday gift I can give you?  Your name will go on as long as the center stands.  And you will live on as long as I live.

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